Tuesday, January 29, 2008
K, on FOX NEWS today they reported that Shaquille O'neille spends $26,000 a month on BABYSITTERS.
TWENT SIX THOUSAND.
WHY did I not apply for that job? I am totally qualified. I mean it's not fair. i even paid my dues teaching at the ghetto pre-school next door to me in Utah for $6.... AN HOUR. I can't even remember the name of it, only the white trash "director" who, when reprimanding a child, would say things like "He don't want you to hit him. I seen you hit him, and he don't like it." This was MY BOSS. She had a mouth full of big fake horse teeth. And when going to "pick up the kids" from other schools, would make sure she hit the tanning salon in between. She was livin' the good life. And then she adopted twin 3 yr old crack babies, and brought them into MY class. The girl twin had crossed eyes and thick little glasses and was pudgy, and the boy twin was violent and skinny and had a mullet and wore shit-kicker cowboy boots everyday. (those were a gift from his new mamma)(and he DID kick with them) they were less brother/sister, and more like a trailer park couple. When they got in trouble, (mostly the boy) which was every hour, she would come in and scream at them "I WILL TAKE YOU BACK! YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU BACK?!? DO YOU?!"
anyhoo, after ALL THAT why was I not SHAQ's babysitter? Why did our parents never tell us that even in the most menial of jobs, if you played your cards right, you could still make it big! And by the way, what kind of cheeky babysitter has the NERVE to charge that much?!? I mean. POWER to ya sister, but where did THAT confidence come from?!
anyway....made me depressed this morning. also made me wanna raise my yoga prices. hmmmm....
Monday, January 28, 2008
I may not be able to buy the new airbook just yet, but I WILL be able to buy THISand I think if I maneuver it just right, I could probably cram my current macbook in there. It'll just look like an overstuffed envelope. right?
The funny thing is, I didn;t really even WANT the airbook THAT badly, because my macbook is still new (I haven't even used all the cleaner wipes yet)(the cleaner wipes that were $20) UNTIL I saw the "envelope" cover. But, thanks to my crafty ways, i can at least get the cover! and if I can't stuff my macbook in there? welllll, then I'll just HAVE to get the correct computer to fit in there. right?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I went to a yoga "conference" this week. There's this style of yoga called ACROYOGA and it's SUPER fun and you get to fly around etc...
BUT FIRST they had us all sit in a circle and say our name, how our body feels, and one thing that makes us happy. I am always comfortable with that UNTIL people start talking. it went like this...
HI! I'm shakti, my body feels blissful alive, and hiking makes me happy.
HI! I'm blissy, my body feels filled with love and light, and a fresh beautiful sky sure does make ME happy!
HI! I'm moonbean. My body feels electric and my heart is open and fields of flowers make me happy!
then there's me...
Ummm, hi, I'm just PeeWee, and my hamstring is hurting, and reality shows, US WEEKLY and shopping make me happy!
I should have said that, but instead, i was diminished to an 8th grade version of myself and edited it and said "...my body feels sore, and taking my dogs to the beach makes me happy. All that is TRUE, I didn't TOTALLY lie like when I told my church youth group counselor in 9th grade that I memorized a bible verse a day (!!!) and yet...I did feel pressured to say SOMEthing naturey as something that made me happy. I HATE those moments when I cave like that.
AND I am NOT kidding that NO ONE in that circle had a normal name.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Hellooooo? anyone out there? Are you there God? it's me, sicky.
I am still recovering from that bird flu-deadly bee-staph infection-flesh eating-virus thing I had. The thing that sucks MOST is that I'm better, but I'm still super tired and weak, so people EXPECT me to be a normal person (welllll, people who don't KNOW me) and I have NO personality to even answer questions or get any sarcasm or anything like that.
Plus since I've had NO contact with human life, and my only "friends" are the characters form LOST seasons 1 & 2 (yes, that's 48 episodes that I watched in two weeks) I have nothing to add worth while to any conversation. I was too sick to even watch or care about the news, so i don't even know what's going on. (HA! who am I fooling..I NEVER watch the news)(unless you count Regis and Kelly)
I can tell my friends are getting uncomfortable talking to me on the phone. Especially the far away friends who call, and say all enthusiastically "HEY!!! WHAT's GOING ON !!! How ARE you!!?!?!? How's LA?!?! WHAT have YOU been DOIIINNNNGGG!?!?!?!!!!
and I say "Nothing much, you know, just ummm, well, nothing. HEY have you seen LOST!?!"
This is all I can do, because I haven't DONE anything but watch LOST.
And LOST has been on FOREVER and I JUST started watching it. Obsessively. So If someone answers "yes, I do watch LOST" then I want to get into the full discussion and excitement and mystery....
of season 1.
Which no one really remembers the details, because they're all on season 4...but then they want to humor you so they pretend to feign excitement and interest and know what you're talking about.
It's a humble life I lead.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Hey all you OLD people reading this (dad)...
There is still hope for you fighting off purse snatchers, whippersnappers, and other hooligans. It's good to know that I still have a future after I am too old to teach yoga. So you don't have to waste any more time with all those grannies in "water-aerobics" you can get a great workout AND protect yourself! I'm just lookin' out for you. My readership ain't gettin' any younger!!!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I don't mean to be shallow or judgemantal or anything...but This guy? is NEVER going to get a second date. I mean seriously, you would NEVER see a woman do anything like this. i would WAY rather go through life with NO thumb, than carrying around my big toe on my hand! EWWWWW!!! Can you IMAGINE what the asian ladies would say when you went for a mani/pedi?!?!?
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I put capri pants on for the first time in two weeks, because I have been LIVING in sweats and loungy yoga pants, and today I went back to work, and I looked down and was SHOCKED, FASCINATED and HORRIFIED to see how WHITE my legs looked. I mean like, ridiculously bright white, like how when someone gets their teeth TOO whitened, and they smile big and their teeth are white as a toddler's except they're 50.
I felt like a little old grandpa, or a german tourist!! I had the urge to run in and grab black socks and some sandals. If I still lived in NY I wouldn't care...everyone there is overworked and undernourished. but here? Everyone is spray tanned within an inch of their scalp. Everyone here has a healthy glow, even if it is fake. ah well...I'll just wear long pants until spring, or un`til they have a spray tan special at the spa.
I had to go get blood drawn yesterday as WELL as get a chest x-ray. It took ALL morning with my low-rent insurance company just for them to figure out if I was covered or not. But that was just the morning. Then I spent the entire afternoon finding these obscure places that my insurance DOES cover for these things.
My MOST favorite was the blood "lab". This "lab" was located in an unmarked building with "office space for LEASE" signs everywhere. If that wasn't red-flag enough, when I parked, I asked the parking guy if I get it validated. and he said "what place you going?" and I said "suite 205?" and then he shook his head, chuckled and said "no no."
The halls had bare grey carpet like a cheap motel. all the raggedy doors only had numbers. one door was propped open with a folding chair and two tony soprano looking guys were deep in conversation. Then I came to MY unmarked door, the "lab". It was a tiny office space, with one receptionist/lab "technician"/and probably cleaning lady too. I was SURE I was in the wrong place. Not a stitch of furniture, one little desk, a phone, and a Blood drawing looking chair. i was like "is this the blood lab??? cuz I think I got the numbers wrong" and the russian receptionist says "are you PeeWee?" I was almost flattered she was expecting me, and then realized I was probably her only "customer" that day. Reluctantly I mumbled yah. Then she puts me in THE CHAIR and says she'll be right back. SHE comes right back with gloves on and I said "ohhhh, YOU're the one who does this??" she just smiled and got down to business. I look around the chair....and on the little table there were needles and tubes and gloves and ONE SINGLE little manual, which was in a clear covered folder like a 7th grade book report and the title says "SO, YOU WANT TO COLLECT A BLOOD SPECIMEN" with a cartoon smiling nurse on it.
GREAT. she probably runs a mailing business and phone sex in her "down"' time.
THANKS Blue Cross/blue shield. SO GLAD I am covered! I hate to think what "EMERGENCY" room they'd send me to. Probably in an ECONO-LODGE down by the soup kitchen.
NICE. REAL NICE.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I have nothing to write about...
buuuuttttt, since I can't do anything else, like hold a decent conversation without hacking into the other person's ear, or get near the human population at large, or GO anywhere, well here I end up. In the lonely world of the blogger-shut-in.
I already read every.single.page of both US weekly and IN TOUCH, which one should NEVER read back to back. I even started reading the other magazine my friend brought me, called 'body and soul' which normally I would have put on my coffee table to LOOK well-rounded, but then I saw the full title 'body and soul...a martha stewart publication' I was curious. Martha? holistic and a-hem, earth conscious?? I dove right in.
It won't last long, it was all pop-spirituality and had the lamest, most watered down articles. Also, again, Martha? vegetarian? feng shui? really? I really didn't see much chinese influence at in her connecticut farm barn/mansion, (barnsion!!) but what do I know? It made for fun reading nonetheless. (nonetheless is one of my favorite words. right up there with 'as it were' and 'be that as it may' and 'if you will' I am hoping that the latter will all become one word also). (nonetheless started as three words, no?)
yah. it's a tragedy, asitwere. oh, and also? cable's out. It's a "flash flood" in LA. Cable here can't stand up to LA rain. I mean, in NYC we get cable even in the blackouts, the blizzards, the writer's strike, ifyouwill. But here? nope. Stupid wussy LA and their "storm watch '08" and their "sensitive" cable. well, THAT or we didn't pay the cable bill. yet, I still have the TV ON...just in case. So it's on and I am just staring at a blank screen, even as I write.
yah, this blog is getting worse by the word count. better leave it at that. I guess I'll go read some more of Martha's McYoga tips.
"pfft. this blog sucks. I'd rather be ripping the lights off the christmas tree. oh. wait. already did that. Hey...can I have a treat?"
Saturday, January 05, 2008
JUST when I was losing all hope for outside contact, ready to KILL myself TRYing to watch tv on a saturday (it's BLEAK. We all know this...unless you're 5, there's no TV on a sat...even with cable) JUST when I almost began starting a trust fund for my dogs, I was SAVED! No, I didn't pick up the Bible, didn't find Jesus on the sat morning evangelical channel...
My friend, savior, if you will, brought me In Touch AND US weekly. She was like when Jesus brought fishes and loaves of bread. Oh, and she brought bones for the Dogs, so i wouldn't be killed by my beasts, like when Jesus saved Daniel from the Lions den. You see, Christ IS alive in all of us. (or maybe just Vanessa)
Friday, January 04, 2008
it's getting touchy in here. The dogs may maul me alive. I keep giving them treats, but they are bored, and I may become their new chew toy.
it's getting desperate. NOT ONLY have I been home alllllll day for a week now, but it;s also raining and so I am less inclined to take them out for more than 2 seconds. I've also been, ummm, TALKING to them. not in the usual "come" "sit" and "treats?" normal dog speak, but more like... "maggie. Do you want to have some dinner now? are you hungry? or shall we wait until six? would you rather just have a snacky poo?" or "Mick, why do you HAVE to rip all the lights off the christmas tree (oh, and THAT is still up too!) and wrap the lights around the coffee table and drag it around the house? why mick? do i NOT spent hundreds of dollars on treats and chewie toys and bones? do I not? WHY don't you see how good you have it and be a nice puppy? dont you KNOW how sick I am??" yah. I went there.
not only THAT, but there seems to be no end in sight. I am officially a agoraphobic? what's the one where you can't leave your house? who knows. who cares.
I have expired law & order SVU and Criminal intent. I have started watching RERUNS of People's Court. My only entertainment is online sites like Facebook and Citibank and Ebay. yah, citibank. I keep checking to see the balance, like my Grandma Nita would check for her purse 52 times during a restaurant meal. I am but a Rascal and a Kraftmatic Adjustable bed away from applying for my AARP card.
Well, my fever is down anyway. I guess that's good. Jake (personal trainer) is skeptical of all this. He's being polite and sweet, but I can hear it in his voice that he think I'm one big faker.
I have to go feed the mongrels now. Well, maybe I'll ask them first.