Just another Saturday night in the big city

HEY! I am basically, like Obama's new best friend. It's only a matter of time before I get a direct line to the Oval Office.

Why?

Because last night, He ate dinner at a restaurant RIGHT DOWN MY STREET! And all the streets were blocked off. And I was walking my dogs home from the park and they wouldn't even let me back on the street! SO I was all, but I LIVE here! And the Not-so-secret-service was all "Ma'am...national security is more important than you getting home" and I had to wait FIFTEEN more minutes. (lame) And then when I FINALLY went to get into my elevator theses sniper looking' dudes with US AMRY suits were coming off the elevators.

I am SO part of US history. I did my part. Saving the president and all. JUST by allowing his guards on my roof.

Okay fine. It wasn't me. But it WAS MY BEST NEW YORK FRIEND! AND HER dogs. And she does live down my street. So, same diff. Normally, I WOULD HAVE BEEN with her. And all the rest was true, cuz she called me while she was waiting to get back in.

Later that night, in the cab home from that party we had this conversation....

{we were talking about her man}

ME: The thing is Budd doesn't EVEN look 42!

HER: He's 40.

ME: well whatever...he doesn't even look 40! He could be like 35.

HER: noo way! He doesn't look that young. He looks his age. (she's only 30...what does she know? Everyone looks older to her)

ME: HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE eye wrinkles! See? (I scrunch up my eyes so she can see said wrinkles)

HER: Well true, but he's fatter and so his skin looks smoother. YOU GUYS don't get wrinkles.

I punched her in the arm.

BLOSSOM BLISS

It's friday night. 9:44 PM.

And when I read kris's blog that Blossom was going to be on What Not To Wear, I practically knocked my laptop over to get the remote, frantically searching for TLC.

SO I'm watching as I type. Seriously. WHAT? could possibly be better for a friday night!?!?! I haven't seen anything this good since the Brian Boitano Christmas Spectacular.

THANKS KRIS!!! You're THE BEST!!!!!

Now the GREAT news is that if you live in Utah or California and are reading this, then YOU CAN STILL SEE IT!!!

I like to think that I'm "paying it forward," "doing my part," "tithing," if you will.

You're SO welcome!

(and I won't even ruin it for you by telling you that Blossom looks like a weird man-girl with freaky bangs and the ugliest wardrobe you ever did see and and and...take a breath....you think "how will they EVER make her look better...and then....)

(lets just say she loses about 10 lbs of eyebrow hair)

Buddha Talk! Buddha Talk! It's a wonder you can walk...in those girly plaid paaaaaaa-aaants!

You're going to think I'm lying, but I SWEAR ALL THAT I WILL TELL YOU IS TRUE.

As I was walking through the park today, I was passing 2 buddhist monks. Like the kind with the orange outfits and shaved heads...the whole nine yards.

One of them was on a cell phone. MAYBE even THIS this phone

Annnnd RIGHT as I passed them the one monk says on the phone, all serious like..."hmmm. I don't know. Let me meditate on that..." HAHAHAHHAHHA!!! It was like right out of some cheesy movie. It was one of those times when even I was all "did that for real just happen?"

THEN not 10 feet later a guy and his Girlfriend came walking down and he was wearing Burberry pants. LIke the PLAID Burberry.
PANTS.

I mean, as GOLF pants, sure. Golfers wear a lot of crazy shit. But for a stroll in the park? with your {alleged} girlfriend. What woman in her right mind lets her guy wear all that plaid on a regular day?

This is why I love NY. True, there are just as many crazy freaks in LA...but they're all locked away in their cars. OR in my yoga room. THIS is way better!! Out in the open. where we all can point and laugh!! Remember Buddy Hinton in the Brady bunch? When he was all making fun of cindy for her lisp and was all "baby talk! baby talk! It's a wonder you can walk!"

That's me. Only in my blog!

Blogging is the new school bully.

Some Completely Fascinating Stuff

THIS IS THE DOGPARK...WHERE DOGS "RUN AROUND" (in theory)


THIS IS WHAT MICK DOES AT THE DOGPARK


ANNNNNDDDD....THIS IS WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE GETS HOME


A few other notes...

-DOes anyone else think those Old Navy ads are creepy? The ones with the mannequins "talking?" It musta been an office memo that went like this:

RE: SHAPE UP OR YOU WILL BE REPLACED

"Heads up employees! Old Navy is experiencing some Major Budget cuts. PHASE ONE: We're FIring all the actors. We have found that our mannequins will do JUST fine! PHASE TWO: Underachievers will be fired next, as we have found Mannequins to be more labor cost effective.
THANK YOU!
-the management team

-The gym was PACKED yesterday, Memorial day. PACKED. Come on people! it's your DAY OFF!!!

-On the subway today there was this HUGE black guy reading a full on romance novel. Like a real girly lookin' one. I almost handed him my 'eclipse' cd. Bet he'd LOVE it!

-AND on same subway a woman came on wearing too small flip flops. Her heel was hanging off the end. WHY? do women do this. Is it cuz they don't want to admit they're a manly size 11? Or was there just this HUGE sale and they only had size 6...but you're an 8 and you were just like "well, THEY FIT! I SWEAR THEY DO! I'm PRETTY DAINTY! "

-A woman came to class yesterday wearing all black...and a CHAIN around her wasit. A BIG OLE Choke collar looking chain. Around her whole waist. WITH charms at the front. It scared me. She was clinking around the whole time...like a rottweiler. Whoa fido!

Just to start your week off right

If you DON'T religiously watch the Real Housewives of New York you won't get this video at all. But if you do? Oh man...I am still crying laughing. And if you don't...I am SO SO SORRY that this post would exclude you...but off you go...to all your other blogs...

Chinese delivery: Not just for food anymore.

At first I was really bummed to be without my OWN washer and dryer...in my house. I was like "THIS is why I couldn't live in New York again unless I'm a millionaire." The first week I was here I had to haul my stuff downstairs, buy a laundry card and gulp, WASH my own stuff! I felt VERY little house on the prairie.

I hate doing laundry in THE BEST of circumstances. THEN I remembered (and how I forgot I don't know) that I SEND IT OUT!!! OH! The perks of living in NY. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING is delivered. And today...they came in the morning, picked it all up, and when I got home it was all sitting at my doorstep...all perfectly folded in cute little packages! It was like getting presents!!

And now I've set it up for weekly service! As well as the bi-weekly dog food delivery! No more hauling those big bags in and out of my car! And and, when u buy groceries, you just tell them your address and they deliver it in a few hours!! Basically, here, you just never have to carry anything! How have I lived in LA without this?!?!?

And then, for this evening I ordered chinese too. BEST.CHINESE.FOOD.EVER! Seriously, New York is THE BEST. Why did I leave? Oh yah...pee smell everywhere. Ah well. I DON'T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY!!!!

I got chills, that are multiplyin'....for real.

My friend and I took our dogs to the beach today. It was way fun. We met a guy name Louis. He was cute. And flirty. And I was all.."hmmm...maybe.." And then...

MY FRIEND: So, are you in school out here?
HIM: yep!
HER: what year are you?
HIM:Senior
HER: what school?
HIM: ST. Jude's
HER: college?
HIM: no. High school.

yah. no. I like young...but I gave him my # anyway DO HAVE LIMITS! (he IS 18 which my friend pointed out and said 'well, at least he's not jailbait!'

Then we met donna and her schnauzer. She came up to ask if her dog could play with ours.

"I was watchin' yous twos from afar and I was thinkin' hey! I bet they'll tell me and my crazy ass dog to get the hell outta here you skank! but I'm so glad I did anyway cuz yous twos look like nice girls and I don't have any friends so I was f'in' glad to see yous out here and look how nice yous are! Yous guys should come over to my place. I live third house down the block. The one with dolphins out front! You'll never remember that but you can come by anytime and we'll get stoned and WRECKED cuz F' it anyway! Who the hell cares!?!"

We got her # too...hey...sometimes finding parking by the beach is hard!...and she's 3rd house down!

I got FRIED and I am now sitting on the couch on friday night barely able to move. I mean? what the hell is WRONG with me?!? Who goes to the beach with no sunscreen on? And I just KNOW that my scalp got burned and now i'm gonna have big ole dandruff in a few days and I'll have to spend so.much.time going "no! no! It's NOT DANDRUFF! I'm PEELING. From SUNBURN!"

And can I just say there's NOTHING on TV right now. like NOTHING.

Oh, but the total BONUS? I'm subletting my friend's apt here in NY. And she has been complaining about how her maintenance fees are up to $1,600...MAINTENANCE FEES. MONTHLY. Yah, just TRY to wrap your head around that one. And then a few hours ago she stopped by and had the A/C on WITH the window right next to it fully open. I looked at her puzzled...she says...

"yah. I think the AC is sometimes TOO cold, so I just put it on WITH the open window. That way I get the natural breezes too."

I was dumbfounded and also worried...I mean, I'm paying rent here. And visions of a $500 utility bill flashed before my eyes. Until she says..."yah. I don't care. THE AC is included in the maintenance fee, so I'm just like SCREW 'EM! I'm gonna use it as much as I want!"

Moral of the story?

I am lying here on the couch, air on full blast. And I am NEVER TURNING IT OFF.

This is going to be the BEST SUMMER EVER!!

24

Saw Kiefer Sutherland at Jack's yesterday.

TWICE.

Just saying. We're practically dating at this point. Sorry Zac!

Washington Square Park

Today is like THE MOST beautiful day in NY! It's the kind of day you live for...when you wake up and the sun is shining, ad it's breezy and cool but not at all cold, etc. This is the very kind of day that makes LA oh-so-boring because it's like this almost EVERYDAY there.

But here? After a week of overcast and drizzly (which I also love) you get to wake up all in a good mood and stuff! Even ME!!!

And THEN I walked to the park this morning and I got a HUGE surprise!

But you need the backstory here...the PROLOGUE, if you will...

I live, have always lived, about 2 blocks from Washington Square Park. Nothing like Central park. It used to be all pot dealers, NYU student hippies, scads of chess players (?? I just don't GET that...outdoor park chess players. But to each his own) (LOSERS!) And a fountain that was nice enough, but always surrounded by traveling gypsy bands, mimes, jugglers and break dancers and such, and the dogpark.

When I was moving FOUR YEARS AGO they had just started "renovations" by fencing the entire park. You had to practically deploy National Guard Bootcamp training techniques to get to the dogrun. And I come back about 3 times a year, and it's been worse and worse each time.

WELL....I get there this morning, dogs and XL coffee in tow, and I almost fell over...They had JUST taken down almost ALL the fencing for most of the entire park, exposing brand new benches (sans drug dealers..yet) gorgeous new grass, bushes, flowers, etc. You could actually walk to the dogrun THROUGH the park!

AND..AND...AND...The gorgeous new fountain was RUNNING!!!! And because my idiot dogs get up so ridiculously early I was like one of the first people walking through!

The only thing this probably means to you is that you've been yawning so much through this post that you've found a good crick in your neck.

But to me, it means a lot.
1. I got to be the first of my friends to be there. This makes me act superior and annoys them all because I don't even officially live here! I'm the one who texted THEM the news! HA! Who lives in LA? Not ME!

2. I felt like it would never get done. And even though I had NOTHING whatsoever to do with it, I feel pride that it's finished and pretty. Kinda like how I feel when Lucy comes and cleans my house.

3. You can bet your ass that when you come visit me I will drag you there and be all "...and this is the park I've ALWAYS lived next to...isn't it pretty and Parisian looking?! And OH! The THINGS I had to live through during the renovations....." and thus will commence a tale not unlike ye old stories coming from a 90 yr old war vet.

4. It'll only be this pretty and nice for mayyybbeee a month. So I'll get to be all "....and I was here the VERY day it opened when there was actual grass and flowers and not a single tranny crack whore sleeping on a bench ANYWHERE!!"

It also just makes me feel connected still to a place that I call home anyway. That's the REAL reason. I woulda HATED to get a call about the opening sitting in my car in LA traffic.

So, YAY ME! Can u even believe what a good mood I'm in?!?!

AND to top off my morning of bliss...I was having coffee at Jack's, and.... Not a single stroller or toddler within sound...AND there was some jerk talking loudly on his phone inside, and the tiny grunge coffee girl yells "GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE IN THE CAFE PLEASE!" And the rest of us all snickered as he bolted out of the store.

GOD I love NY!

Here are some pics that I didn't take. I could have. but I'm too lazy. And why do it if someone else with a way better camera can?

It's just too early for me to punch you in the face.

This morning at 7:20 I went to the dog park. Here, the dog park is a big deal. It's like a church. Everyone knows everyone, but all they do is talk about everyone and how they DON'T train their dogs etc. Piety and Judgment run amok. There's this annoying lady who's ALWAYS there and wears a fanny pack...just to store dog treats and dog water and doggy poopy bags, etc. Suffice it to say SHE'S CRAZY.

Sometimes I look at her and think...am I staring at my future? And then I'm all "NO WAY!" because no matter HOW crazy I may become about my dogs, I will never...EVER...wear a fanny pack!

She starts handing out treats to HER dog, and of course all the other dogs want in. Especially my food whore Maggie. (Honesty I don't know WHERE she gets that!) (labradors! Must be genetic!) (mmm..these peanut butter & chocolate malt balls are DAMN good for breakfast!)

Maggie sits RIGHT next to her employing her BEST doe-eyed-don't-I-look-irresistibly-cute look. Which ALWAYS works on me. In fact I took a pic of her the other day while I was eating pizza because this is what she does EVERYTIME I eat pizza...


Anyhoo...she says SUPER loud..."MAGGIE! Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to beg!"

I just sat there. Maggie didn't move at all. Her focus on treats is olympic medal worthy. Didn't I teach her not to beg! HA! How else are you supposed to get stuff in life?! Honestly lady, maybe you need to take a lesson here...maybe YOU need to start BEGGING your hair stylist to start coloring that thick stripe of gray roots down the middle of your head! TRUE DAT!

Did I mention this is yet another phrase I hear by white girls ALL THE TIME?! In fact I was at Bergdorf's over the weekend (I was just LOOKING) and in the shoe section (LOOKING!) and this insane upper east-sider mom with bleached blonde hair, Chanel stilettos and a Birkin Bag said to her equally obnoxious friend "GOD! I just think Jimmy Choos are getting uglier and uglier as they cater to the masses!" and her friend goes "TRUE DAT GIRLFRIEN'!!" It took all my resolve to not laugh out loud. I shoulda been all "yah! I second dat!"

Only in New York kids, Only in New York!

CHAPTERS: The Poignant Novel about...CHAPTERS!

CHAPTER 1: THE HORRORS OF NEW YORK CITY:And Why You Should Know That a Slice of Pizza is 330 Calories and Therefore Diet Food.

CHAPTER 2: WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR A LONG SKIRT TO YOGA WITH GRANNY UNDERWEAR AND NOTHING ELSE...You Idiot!


CHAPTER 3: WHY A BIG BAG OF DARK CHOCOLATE M&M's CAN BE CONSIDERED LUNCH

CHAPTER 4: TEACHING HERE SUBJECTS YOU TO THE CRAZIEST WOMEN ON.THE.PLANET.

CHAPTER 5: DEATH BY YOGA MAT: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "SPIDER POSE" AND THEREFORE IF YOU ARE A SPIDER IN A YOGA ROOM YOU WILL BE IN DANGER

CHAPTER 6: TASTI D-LITE: IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST,LUNCH & DINNER ANYMORE.

CHAPTER 7: HOT FRESH TOFFEE PEANUT CARTS ARE LIKE BITS OF GOD ON EVERY CORNER: THE ROAD TO HEAVEN IS PAVED WITH PEANUTS



CHAPTER 8: HURTING YOUR KNEE BY WALKING, YES, WALKING, MAY BE A SIGN OF PERPETUAL LAZINESS.

CHAPTER 8 (RE-TITLED) BEWARE! HOW YOU MIGHT HURT YOUR KNEE FROM POUNDING THE EXTRA HARD SURFACES OF NY STREETS

CHAPTER 9: SUBWAYS: DON'T FART ON ME

CHAPTER 10: ELEVATORS: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHOWER FIRST!

Coming next...Ever wanna know how it ALL started?

PROLOGUES! THE IRONIC BOOK OF PROLOGUES!

I dare say, It's a war zone out there, ole chap

My favorite coffee place in NY has turned on me. It used to be all the neighborhood locals. The really old school pool player gang of dudes in their early hundreds. The little old lady Lorraine and her little dog. All the cool artists, even some hippies. It was sesame-street-sit-on-the-stoop-with-Mr-Hooper and a hot coffee and a bagel. Sigh. The good ole days.

THEN somehow in my absence, probably because I was not there daily to make everyone else feel excluded and give the non-desirables the stink eye, it has been overrun with wall street suits and (don't take offense here) the, gulp, STROLLER CROWD.


Gone are the days of walking up to Jack's seeing 8 dogs tied up to the the bench and stoop. That has been replaced with double wide strollers, double decker strollers, giant motorized strollers that spin and do wheelies and toddlers running amok, waddling up to my pets like subdued chuckie's mumbling "dogggyyyyy. doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" and the moms going "no. no. Wren and Raven, those doggies will bite and maul you. Mustn't touch." Or when their sticky little hands grab for wads of their fur "YUCKY YUCKY Jacques! We have to wipe your hands NOW. Doggies are DIR-TY"



I tried to be nice at first. I really really did. When the moms would ask "Can my little Leila Ayn Rose pet your dog?" I would be all "YAH! They're totally friendly. They LOVE kids!" And then said child would come up and bang on their faces and the moms would go "OHHH! Isn't SHE CUTE?! We don't even have a dog and look how brave she is!"

OH and the topper? When these GIANT double strollers would come down the block and run over my dog's feet. WITH NO APOLOGY???

I love kids and all. Moms even. But there is a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about the stroller moms of manhattan. Ha! That should be a horror movie title!!

Anyway. I still go there, in complete fascination about these moms. And along those lines...

Here are some words and their contexts that you ARE NOT allowed to say unless you were born and raised on british soil and/or learned english as a second language in London.

Pram...never.

Brilliant...as in "let's have a play date this weekend...after latin lessons, guitar, and advanced toddler chemistry!" "Brilliant!"

Lead...as in "no no Amaretto Chablis! Don't pull on the doggy's lead"

splendid....as in...any sentence.

snog...NO

flat...as in "Oh, I left my braided hemp nipple cushions back in my flat"

rubbish and/or bin..."oh Madisyn, go put that in the rubbish bin."

nappy...you can say "oh my god...my hair is so nappy" you can NOT say "Oh, who has a poopy nappy?"

queue... "daddy's going to get in the coffee queue. Stay here with you nanny Guadaloupe"

holiday..."We're going on holiday to rwanda this year! Aren't we clever?"

Again, born in England? sure. cute. hot even.
Born in America? LAME.

Oh, and PS...A FIVE YEAR OLD SHOULD NOT BE CARRIED IN A BABY SLING!

The City.

yawwnnnnn.

It's raining again. I still love it. You know what I love about rain in NY? Aside from HAVING to buy super cute rain boots and chocolate chip cookie delivery?

UMBRELLAS!



HAHA! NOT THESE!

I love seeing TONS of umbrellas walking down the street. A sea of umbrellas, if you will. It looks like Mr. Roger's land of make believe. Like, I expect Lady Eberly and King Friday and Meow Meow pussy cat to be comin' round the corner on the trolley with their umbrellas.

Anyone watch Celebrity Apprentice? (HA! I only asked that to be nice. I KNOW you do) HOW good was sunday? I'm not even wanting an answer...it's a statement. And how much are you DYING for the THREE HOUR finale? again...statement. JOAN RIvers head to head with ANNIE the Poker bitch!??! I swear it was rigged. There's just NO WAY that wasn't planned from the beginning. But that's neither here nor there. I have GOT to find out where it's being held and go get tickets or something. Make my time here in the city worth while. I have big plans while I'm here.

1. Somehow get into background shots when they're filming "The City." But, a background when it's Whitney. And MAYBE like, have my dogs with me and accidentallyonpurpose slam into her. Or something like that. I mean, after all, that show IS inspired by my life here.

2. Same with the Today Show...look for me in that crowd with Al Roker. And HOPEFULLY they'll maybe even let me do a shout out to my blog peeps.

3. Get into the opinion crowd in Times Square with Harvey Levin on THE PEOPLE'S COURT. And totally give my legal expertise on the cases. Then maybe they'll let me be on Law & Order SVU. My day is coming people! soon! Very soon indeed.

Museums schmuseums. This city has TONS to offer, not the least of which is high fashion shoes!


and in case it's raining and you need to PROTECT your bandals...


This is just the beginning folks!