Sunday, September 27, 2009

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

HUSBAND: Listen. I don't want to argue with you.
WIFE: Then stop talking
-madmen

Little Oprah! Little Obama....where are yoooooooouuuuu? Grammybitch made you some cooki...AACK! What the sam hell are you wearin? Oprah! You go put a decent skirt on RIGHT now. One where your ass doesn't hang out! And take off that daisy duke top too. Something with sleeves! And Little Obama...Pull those pants up! I can see your cracker crack! And pull those bangs out your eyes. You look like a damn sheep dog! UGH! You kids dont' know how to look these days. It's all slop.

I tell you what...back in MY day it was all about hip couture. *sigh* We had it all. The hair. The clothes. And I tell you what again...you're LUCKY because your grammybitch KNEW fashion. From the very beginning I had my thumb on the pulse of fashion forward trends.

I had the first mohawk in this family. Like I said FASHION FORWARD. Even before I could talk.



After that? It was all about the Dorothy Hamil cut and the Lacoste. See that alligator? I was the first. Paris. Rome. Milan. ME. (GreatUncleDumass sure did put the "raggedy" in that Raggedy Ann & Andy cake!) (He tried, bless his heart)(you can tell by my face how much I LOVED that cake)


Like I said. Bangs. Lacoste (still! before my time!) Oh, and the shorts!! I was Jack Tripper BEFORE there was jack Tripper.


Grammybitch was even fashionable in sleepwear! Forget that Victoria's Secret Hobag crap! It was all about the LANZ ruffle collar nightgown. I don't even need to point out those designer specs. They speak for themselves! That's your GreatAuntHippie and GreatUncleDrunky. CLEARLY they didn't inherit my fashion sense. It's okay. We can't ALL be Vogue Models!


And still! I constantly set the trends with the Farah Fawcet bangs! That's your GreatUncleDumbass. And that dual photography? They just don't make em like that anymore. Straight outta the pages of Cosmo!


I don't just KEEP UP WITH the times. I SET them! Esprit! (VERY FRENCH) And we wore our collars up! To accentuate the fierce edges of the hair. It's all very Picasso like.


GrammyBitch and her au-natu-rel blonde hair! That's what the sun-inshine does! Again with the bangs...do you see how high and FULL they are? That was HOT little O's....HOT. Not to mention my famous Brooke Shield Brows. None of them pencil scraps for me! I was blessed. Thank you Jesus.



Oh! By the 90's I had it ALL
Eyebrows. check.
Guess Jean shorts. check.
Oversized multi plaid Ralph Lauren shirt. check.
Tanning bed tan. check.
NATURAL blonde. check
White socks with Penny Loafers. check.

And, do you SEE my Barbizon Model stance? It's my signature. VOGUE.

It was all about the Couture. High Fashion. Take a lesson grandkiddies....and hope, just HOPE that my genes will evolve in you SOMEday. And when they do? You're WELCOME!

LAST WEEK'S POST

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Well look what the cat dragged in!

DING DONG.

"Chinese Delivery Guy? Is that you? Hang on...let me get the door..."



MOXIE MONA! What brings you to tinseltown so early? I wasn't expecting you until NEXT we..."

"Listen up Beee-yotch. I've been up to MY EARS with Mini Vans and crazy kids this week. Never seen so many kids in all my life. Moxie is read-ay to get Foxie after some Botoxie. SO hook a girl up, yo."

"....mmm.....Perfect! I'll need some bigger boobs, little lips injections, lipo on the thighs...."


*sigh* Listen Mox, you're all Tranny right now. Your outfit is so two thousand and late. The goth hair?! And that Pasty Mayo skin? uh, no. And Cuff bracelets???.... "Hello? yesterday's news? This is moxie calling. I'd like to cancel my subscription. I already subscribe to Behind the Times."

{cue Michael Jackson's "Man in The Mirror"}


MOXI! You're gettin' a hollywood make-over. I'm making appointments for you. STAT.

....many "procedures" later, we made our final stop.


And then I called up Hollywood's most FAMOUS make-up artist.


BEFORE:


AFTER:


KNOCK KNOCK....MOXIE!? You home yet? {as I open my door...}





I didn't kick her out. Even though she allowed Zac to see her man-howdy in MY BED. But as the week went on, she started hangin with Lindsay and Paris, adopting the hollywood lifestyle that her trips to Utah and Kentucky didn't prepare her for. And well, let's just say that she won't be "Around the blogosphere" any time soon.


She'll be here the next 90 days...or so...



Thanks Moxie Media Girls!

’1581884212_57276dd550_o’

Hosted by:
Better in Bulk
Mama’s Losin’ It
Mayhem & Moxie
Scary Mommy
& 7 Clown Circus


SOMEone's been in bed with a laptop too long


Sorry this blog has turned into bitchtube. But this made me laugh this morning. Just passing on the love! Be sure to check in tomorrow for MOXIE MONA DOES LA!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

THE PERFCT SUMMARY OF MY CARREER

This is what I have to put up with...DAILY. (okay, fine, 3 days a week...but still!)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

"dude...wake us when it's morning"



How they sleep in THEIR beds.


How they sleep in MY* bed.

*and this is a CAL KING bed.

Monday, September 21, 2009

TV TIME daybeforeTUESDAYS!


I've been sick since Wed. So I have been watching EXTRA TV. Like, ALL DAY. Which is like, at LEAST 2 more hours than normal.

In other words...you're in for a TREAT today! I wish it was tuesday so I could call this post Treatday Tuesday! The worst part of it all is that the cable guy was coming Fri, and when they called to confirm the appt. I was all "hey! is it too late to get TWO DVR'S?" and they were all "SURE"

This opens up a WHOLE new selection of shows for me!! So, FINALLY....FINALLY!!! I can watch Dancing with the Stars.(it's on right now) (GaysPeople keep gasping and choking and hyperventilating when I say I don't watch it. I kinda just don't GET IT. But I'm willing to try) AND other new shows I otherwise would have no room for on my sole DVR. This both thrills me and makes me tired. Ah, the double edged sword of life! Bittersweet, as it were.


Okay, so back to bid'ness. Dr. Phil had this mom on today. And she had one HUGE GRAY STRIPE springing up through her forehead like a weed. I was totally distracted. Like "WHY? DO they NOT have hair stylists where you live? Miss Clairol? Garnier Nutrisse? Were Dr. Phil's Hair and Make-Up people horrified?? You goin' for a
look?"

ooh...JUST IN! A PIC!


SEE!!! SEEEEE?!?!

{Dancing with the stars? Not SO much stars. More like Dancing with the Has-Beens & Never Were's. I mean the iron Chef Champion?? and Ashley Hamilton??}

Glee is really really good. We'll see if it stays good.

America's Next Top Model: MiniMe cycle. It's short girls. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....Wait, what? who? where am I?

Gossip Girl!! YAY! It's good even when it sucks! But it never sucks because sucking=good on GG! Honestly, anyone who DOESN'T want to come home to Chuck Bass even just once is LYING.
xoxo


{OH.MY. HEAVENLY. FATHER. DONNY OSMOND IS ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

I gotta go concentrate on my favorite new show EVER in the history of shows.....ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod


Sunday, September 20, 2009

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

OH Grandbrats!! PUT down those stupid video games! That's all you youngun's do. Virtual this and reality that. It's all BullPuckey! Back in MY day we had real games. Games that required skill and smarts and talent! And I tell you what, I kicked your GreatUncleDumbAss's B.U. double T all the time. Your Grammybitch was a PLAY-UH.

First off I had a MASTER MIND, which is interesting since that's the name of the game!


Calculator?! HAY-ELL no! This may not LOOK like a game, but it was a game to me. I would follow your great grammycrazybitch all around the grocery store and add everything up for her. I would tell her the totals each and every time she put a new item in the cart. That didn't bother her at ALL. Because I was such a whiz-kid.


Another all time favorite. I tell you what...Don't tip the waiter cuz if you do tip the waiter when you're puttin' on a plater, you'll have to tip the waiter and you'll lose the game..la la la la la....


Oh, and then there was Mr. Mouth.(deep man voice "mister mouth mister mouth") I loved all games that had to do with eating.


Oh and then there was Perfection! This game was stressful little O's. VERY stressful. There was a timer and a loud buzzer and explosions! Oh. Good times. Best part? You could play it alone. And Being a latch-key-kid, I had to hone my skillz all by myself. Which was good, cuz then I would kick everyone else's arse!

What's a latch-key-kid you say? Oh don't worry, it's illegal now. But GreatGrammyCrazyBitch had NOOOOO problem leaving me at the mercy of GreatUncleDumbAss.

ANd OH! The playdough Barber Shop. That was my favorite loner game. In fact. I wouldn't share that bad boy with ANYone. LOVED to cut the beard of the hippie beard guy.


Good ole Stay Alive. I loved games where you annihilated your opponent. That's why I went into yoga, kids. To torture people in the name of peace! haha! I'm just KIDDING grandkiddlets, juuuuuust kidding.


Lame? LAME?!??!? WHA-CHYOU TALKIN' BOUT WILLIS??! I PITY THE FOOL WHO DON'T PLAY REAL GAMES. Now go get Grammybitch a Wine Cooler.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Elephants and Sneezes...in that order

CUTEST.THING.EVER.

I have found my favorite new website. I've been on it all day DYING at all the cuteness. You might need to go kick someone or trip a child to make up for it all.

I've been doing a lot of interneting today. WHY? Cuz I'm SICK!

For real sick. Like I didn't even teach class today. This is a weird sickness. I'm gonna call it spontaneous explosive sneezing virus. HA! As I wrote that I sneezed all over my screen.

You know what drives me crazy? When someone says "That Bitch is such a trick-ass-ho that I defriended her on Facebook!" Seriously? I hear this more and more. Friended/defriended. FRIEND IS NOT A VERB. However, "texted" is just fine. Just goes to show how lazy we're getting. It's like we're talking the way we text.

Back to me. WHAT is worse than being sick when it's 80 degrees out?? I don't know how single mom's do it. Just having to take the dogs out was torture. What if I'd had to have a STROLLER?!?!

The BIG mistake I always make when I'm sick is calling my mother to whine and complain. NO one on this planet loves to complain about being sick more than my mom. So when I'm sick she lends a very good sympathetic ear. EXCEPT then good cop meets bad cop and before I know it she's screaming at me to go to the emergency room because for sure I have the swine flu and how stupid I am for NOT going because THIS IS YOUR HEALTH!"

Anyway. You're probably so bored by now that you've left this site and are right this second going "AWWWWW" at all the kittens and baby elephants on that one website.

While I'm here, feverish and dying! But that's cool. Just don't be surprised when your ass gets defriendededed!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Twilight Tuesdays! (fine wednesday. whatever!)

BEST QUOTE OF THE DAY: (taken from the Defendant & Plaintiff on Judge Mathis)

P:"YOUR HONOR! If she paid Fiddy Dollas for that shirt then I hope she got her change back!"
D:"Oh PLEASE GIRL...You KNOW how much Lane Bryant clothes cost!"

Today's post is a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE of Twilight! I was unfortunate enough to get sucked into reading the books, (I liked the first book) and I will admit, front and center that yes, I did love the movie. So kill me now. And what with the new movie coming out soon, I figured it was high time for a refresher course! The other 2 books are re-capped on the website I stole all this from. But I didn't wanna spoil anything for anyone! Even if you loved the books I think you'd think this is funny. And if not I'm sure I will have a contract out on my life.


TWILIGHT
Despite being so plain, Bella is admired by everyone in her new hometown of Forks, Washington, especially Edward Cullen. Originally, Edward just wanted to eat her, but, disappointingly, realizes eventually that in fact what he is feeling is true love, and after a couple of days they start dating. After two or three weeks, Bella is begging him to turn her into a vampire because of true love.

This isn't made explicitly clear in the book, but Edward has been creeping into her room and watching her sleep every night since he met her. More on that later.

Also, Edward has mind-reading powers, except they don't work on Bella. This isn't really as big a part of the story as most people think it is, and in fact we can (and will) get away without ever mentioning it again.

A mere number of days after they begin dating, Edward takes her to the woods and reveals the real reason that vampires don't go out in the sun: they sparkle. This is the turning point in what until now has been just a bad book. Bella gasps and swoons, and Edward takes his shirt off to show her all of his glitter infection, and then they lie there chastely on the grass. The rest of the book is spent talking about true love and Edward's rock-hard abs. Kissing cold, marble, statuesque lips is apparently sexy.

Later, Bella kisses Edward so hard he almost "loses control", but luckily, as the man in the relationship, it's his duty to keep poor little overexcited Bella in line, so he tells her to stop kissing him.

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.


NEW MOON
Book Two begins with Bella angsting about reaching the old age of eighteen, which she worries will make her some sort of cradle-snatching freak because her boyfriend Edward is eternally seventeen. The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is sexually interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years his junior apparently doesn't bother her. Edward cheers up Bella by giving her a mix tape. Unfortunately, later Edward changes his mind, takes back the mix tape, and dumps Bella. He leaves her in the forest by herself, and being a woman and thus without a sense of direction, she gets lost and almost dies.

Bella spends the rest of the book going crazy, imagining Edward's voice and partaking in ever more self-destructive activities. During this time she befriends Jacob Black, who turns out to be a werewolf but is still way better for her than Edward. She finally regains Edward's attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

Bella teams up with Edward's sister Alice, who turns out to be straight and taken but is still way better for her than Edward, to rescue her ex from his emoness. After a crazy mix up that finds Bella and Edward temporarily in an Anne Rice novel, Edward reaccepts her.

This novel thus teaches two important lessons to young girls everywhere:

1) If a guy dumps you and says he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't mean it. All you have to do is beg and destroy your life to prove that you really love him, and he'll come right back and love you even more!

2) It is perfectly cool to string along innocent but decent guys who are crushing on you and then dump them immediately as soon as your ex-boyfriend reappears, and totally normal if said ex-boyfriend forbids you from seeing your old friend. After all, your love for your ex must be far stronger, because he makes you feel 'alive' and 'dangerous' since he's always on the verge of killing you. And stalking you. We can't really mention that enough.



PS...you're welcome for the color change. even though it totally doesn't match my well crafted blog color theme. SOme of you CLEARLY need lasix.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS (so old that I forget it's sunday 'till monday)

SHUT IT BACK THERE my precious little grandhoodlums! Grammybitch is tryin' to drive! Just cuz my car doesn't have a freakin' puppet show goin' on for you, doesn't mean you gotta scream and holler like that! You kids don't KNOW from road trips! You think your grammybitch is so OLD do ya? My generation was the PIONEERS for road trips!

What? NO! You think I was countin' on an abacus when I was your age huh? I HAD portable computer. Just like you. Your GreatGrampyGrumpyAss would take us on some HORRIFIC ROAD TRIPS. And we didn't have any fancy shmancy Beta-Max player in our cars back then. SO I would take along my computer...laptop, if you will.


And I would spell stuff. ALL.DAY.LONG. That's what made me smarter than the rest of the family. And I STILL AM!

And I didn't play with no stupid tele-tubby creatures either. I had a MON CHI CHI. It was based on REAL ANIMALS. Nothin' virtual about my mon chi chi. AND it was VERY realistic. That monkey could stick its thumb in its mouth! Let me sing you the song about it...

mon chi chi, mon chi chi.
Oh so soft and cudd-aly.

I could sing that song the ENTIRE road trip! I was quite the vocal talent little O. Good times. Good times.

And also we'd bring along this crazy fun water game. Oh how we'd fight over that game. And it didn't need batteries! It worked with WATER. I tell you what...we lived in forward times back then. FORWARD times.


Now as soon as we get back from the liquor store, er, GROCERY store, GrammyBitch will tell ya all about that road trip where I threw up all over your GreatUncleDrunky while he was passed out on my lap....

LAST WEEK'S SHIT! I'm OLD POST

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Spin Cycle=TWO things I HATE

I hate more than anything TWO things.

LAUNDRY.

SPIN CLASSES

We're gonna deal with the latter today, kids. I am Obama. And I'm going to tell you a thing or two about SPIN "eductaion."

FIrst off, let's deal with the name, shall we? SPIN? Seriously? In the olden days it was a Stationary BIKE. It's a BIKE people! It's a BIKE CLASS. BICYCLE CLASS. Here's the Ad Exec's meeting....

VP of ADVERTISING: Okay. how can we reinvent the BIKE class?!? huh? Huh? come on people! I want sexy! Nouveau! Insanity! Modern! Fitness Forward!!

INTERN: I know! PEDAL PUSHERS!

GUY in BAD SUIT and HAIR PLUGS ABOUT TO BE MADE REDUNDANT: I know! I got it! RACE FACE! You know, like 'get your face ready to RACE!'

NEW GUY: Dude. ROCK a "ROUND!" get it? ROUND? Like the wheel is ROUND. And and, we'd play ROCK music! Like "dude, you wanna party tonight?" and I say "no way dude...I wanna ROCK.....A'ROUND!' Riiiiiight? Riiiiiighht?

HOT GAY GUY: SPIN. We'll call it SPIN. And the men shalll wear shorty tight shorts for no reason whatsoever. SHORTER than biker shorts. And no shirts. (jazz hands ensue as he says...) SPIN!

fade out

I've spoken in the topic before. HERE, and HERE.

But today? was NOT by choice. I was coerced. Cajoled. Trickery was used. My quote unquote friend has been harassing me for WEEKS to go. Then she used her special police skillz to entrap me. It went like this...

HER: You're coming to spin tomorrow, RIGHT?
ME: ummmmmm, maybe.
HER: Well, are you WORKING?
ME: ummmmm, well, yyahhh.
HER: your clients, right? the ones who live RIGHT NEXT TO THE GYM? The ones you have every WED MORNING??
ME: ummm, yyyahhhh
HER: GOOD! Then I'll see you right after! You have NO excuse because I also know you're not working the rest of the day.
ME: wellllll, um, don't WAIT for me or anything.
HER: (thinking.....silent....thinking) OK. If you come to spin class I will buy you breakfast after. Anywhere you want to go.
ME: (pondering)
HER: mmmmm....FREE BREAKFAST
ME: wellll, I mean, I am not coming JUST for that!
MY THOUGHTS: oooh. pancakes! bagel! eggs! hash browns! free!

She knows me well.

Here's the thing about spin. It attracts THE CRAZY. Today, we had the old late 50's couple, front and center, with NEON RED earplugs in. MATCHING earplugs. Because when you're OLD and wrinkly? The ears are just too sensitive for all that LOUDNESS.

Annnnnddd, then there was the girl next to me chugging her TRIPLE RED BULL X5 ENEGERATOR 2000!

Annnnd, it wouldn't be complete with out the 40++++woman in front with her mayonnaise jar filled with her lemonade 10 day master cleanse! No. Can't bring water to spin class. Can't find a NORMAL BOTTLE to put your "lemonade" in. Gotta use that recycled mayo jar. That doesn't stand out AT ALL. After all, poor dear is trying to lose those saddle bags any.way.possible.

And when the spin instructor bee bopped his way over and gave me a TWO THUMBS UP, I decided then and there that I was ordering the Hungry Man's Lumberjack Breakfast WITH a side of French Toast! HA! That'll show HER who to make come to spin class!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I will be signing autographs from 4-9pm. Please form an orderly line. No Pushing and shoving.

HOLY MACARONI! (mmmm....macaroni & cheese....)

I just googled my name to see if my yoga retreat website appeared at all. It doesn't.

BUT! I am BESIDE myself with excitement because I just found out that I am LEGITIMATELY FAMOUS! As in, not just in my mind. But FOR REAL!

When I moved to LA from NY everyone was all "Why are you moving to LA? LA sucks. I thought you hated LA?"

And I would say "I know. LA does suck. But I just want to make it into the pages of US weekly, and THEN. THEN I will be satisfied with my amounts of fame.

WELL THIS IS JUST AS GOOD!!!

ACCESS HOLLYWOOD!!! MY NAME!

Yah. that's right. You wanna find the stars? Where do you go? MY CLASS!!!

I'm gonna go start my memoirs now. I'm sure the publishing houses will have a bid war going. I'll be sure to blog about when Matt Lauer come to do the exclusive interview. Don't worry. I won't change TOO much. I'll always still be yogabitch from the block.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

(sundays, mondays, tomato, tomahto. When it's a 3 day weekend the lines become very blurred)

No No grandkiddies. Grammybitch isn't gonna tell you about how back in my day I had to walk 5 miles to school. Geez! I'm not THAT old!

We carpooled! And the only place you saw an SUV was in the army. Your great grammycrazybitch drove us around in a fancy STATION WAGON. And we rode around in the back trunk in a fold out bench seat with NO SEAT BELTS! Now don't get any ideas. The gov'mint makes you wear seat belts so little crazy brats like you don't run around like we did.


AND we didn't have any XYZ boxes or playspace stations either. We had ATARI. Well, WE didn't have Atari. GreatGrammyCrazyBitch had a fondness for the Cooking Sherry, if you know what I mean. So WE would mooch off the neighbor kids to play games of "tennis" like this...


Oh children, you don't KNOW how many booger eating rich kids I had to pretend to like in order to play that "tennis" game!

LAST WEEK'S POST

Friday, September 04, 2009

Occupational Hazards

Remember Frail Voice lady from LAST friday?
She's back. Not only did she whisper at me in class last night, but I then awoke to her Facebook status update. I swear I'm not makin' this stuff up. I simply cut and paste. I am only the messenger!


FRAIL VOICE VEGAN loves this full moon energy.
10 hours ago · Comment · Like

FRAIL VOICE FRIEND me toooo! Its nutty! I love it!
10 hours ago

FRAIL VOICE VEGAN I feel like I could conquer the world right now. Now that's an idea. I think I will. You can too. Let's go!
10 hours ago

FRIEND Lets do it! I feel the same way! I am on the 5th day of a 5 day cleanse, I just had an amazing yoga practice and the moon is full! BAM!
10 hours ago

FRAIL VOICE VEGAN Since it's national yoga month...i'm doing yoga EVERY day.
10 hours ago


I tell you what. THIS is the kind of thing I attract in my career as a Yoga Guru. It's no wonder I come home everyday to watch The Duggars on TV. I need to see NORMAL people in their NORMAL lives.

Now...get out there and start your National Yoga Month Celebrations!!

BAM!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

reminds me of a guy I once dated....



The boy in this made me laugh this morning. Laughing is good when it's too damn hot outside to do anything. And, watch the whole thing cuz he just gets better and better.