Festive-me...for just me.

Haha! Juuuust kidding. We all know that this season is for baby Jesus AND me. I just wanted to put it out there that every single time I go "Christmas Shopping" I come home with an awful lot of "one for my brother...two for me!"

When the sales person goes "wow...you've got a LOT of Christmas shopping done!" I just mumble..."yahsuredid" and when I say "you don't need to wrap anything but that one small one....I like to wrap the rest MYSELF. Cuz I bought this GREAT Justin Bieber paper...." I know I'm not totally lying, cuz I DID buy that paper!

(which I did)
(for real)

But uh, yah. I can't be the ONLY one who does this...right??

So, it's been awhile. Let me catch you up on my exciting hollywood single life for the past few months....in pictograph...

SEPT

Lost my mind. Got Foster dog Murphy.

OCT

UTAH/IDAHO ROAD TRIP!!

NOV

Re-decorated guest bedrooms 1 & 2 in Target Missoni collected across country from said road trip

GUEST ROOM #1

GUEST ROOM #2

Also squeezed in  NYC trip for Bday!

We look pretty decent for 40 right?

ALSO went on treacherous trip to Knotts Berry Farm. Practically died.

DEC 

          Rest after shopping. Note only I have stocking FOR ME. Santa better not forget!

Also....

....Am not ONLY one who went Target/Missoni crazy!

THE END...

(Still have "foster dog" though. sigh)

The 12 Gays of Christmas...

I think this just made my whole holiday. This was MUCH needed after a day of LA faux hippie yogis who infect this town like roaches! They were even in BARNEY'S today. BARNEY'S! That is MY territory. Go back to Occupy Wholefoods!

Anyhoo...this made me WAY more jolly!

Easy Reader That's My Name...

I always wondered WHAT exactly would get me back actually blogging. Not just "in my head" blogging whereupon as I fall asleep I recite an entire post that I SWEAR I will write down in the morning....yyyeah.

Well, here it is folks. Consider it the first day of christmas...aww aww awwwwwwww.....



PS...Morgan Freeman....I have always loved you and now I love you even more. Dare I say this was your best performance to date?

I laughed so hard I cried

Ummm, DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS AT WORK....unless you really hate your job

Oh man....If only I could take this guy to Whole Foods with me!

drunk blogging

I'm drunk
 I just ate a huge steak.
I'm in Park city

VEGANISM ROCKS!

Things I have enough of....

1. Missoni/Target stuff.**

2. Dogs.***

That is all. 

** I WAY hoarded and overbought. I couldn't help it! My friend and I drove to the GANG area of LA to get this stuff. I WORKED for it! If you want any kid stuff or shoes, lemme know cuz I would rather send to you than return it. Sadly, every time I weed through it all to take stuff back, I can't part with any of it.  That whole non-materialistic part of yoga training didn't really take.

***That little one is up for adoption. I Swear. I AM NOT KEEPING HIM. He is a FOSTER pet. It's all the rage here in LA. Anyone who's anyone fosters an animal for some rescue group. Rescuing kids from Africa is SOOOOO 2008.

It's Fall in LA!....

...cuz I'm sitting here in Starbucks drinking my salted-caramel-mocha-with-soy-no-whip-extra-hot! Nooo, I am not affected by the LA scene WHATSOEVER! DO you guys KNOW how good this drink is?? Way better WITH whip, but you know, that's not on the vegan menu...HAHAHAH!

Psych! Face! Moted!

OF COURSE I have whip....which confuses the baristas here to no end. heehee. And for my non-coffee friends...you can get this as a hot chocolate and it's just about the best durn thing in the world!

Its been SUCH a busy summer...hence the cobwebs and for rent signs on my blog.

But what I love about fall, for me, is that I get to slow down, enjoy the changing of the network line-up, long lazy sundays watching new pilot episodes, fresh brewed apple cider scent wafting through Bath and Bodyworks, spending quality time outdoors driving to all the greater LA targets hunting for Missoni wear, new Ugg boots peeking out from their summer hibernation, Fresh pomegranate lipgloss, and all the brilliant fall colors adorning the windows of Pottery Barn!

God I love LA in Fall!

BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH

Listen. I've said it many many times. But at least once a year I get my annual, uh, gift? as it were. And tonight was the night. This otherwise adorable guy was front and center(fold)  in class tonight. And it wasn't until the END of class that I had them do a two minute thing where you sit like this....

Annnnd THAT, my friends is when the magic happened. Adorable guy was wearing NO UNDERWEAR. And loose shorts.

Now, let me repeat that this is kinda old hat to me by now. I am a seasoned instructor, after all. I've been to battle. Usually I just run away and avoid that whole side of the room entirely and then drive home and take a burning shower to my eyes and scrub them with sulfuric acid to burn away the image.

But tonight I was trapped. He was in the front row, and I was DIRECTLY sitting in front of him. SITTING. There was no way to escape politely AND I had just told the class that it was a two minute pose. I mean his Don Johnson was RIGHT there. Like mere inches away. Like-I-could-have-put-a-Gucci-leash-on-it-and-adopted-it-as-my-4th-pet close.

So I did all I could do and looked away. Tried to PRETEND that his wiener dog wasn't wagging in front of me. And then see out of the corner of my eye that HE now notices that he is doing flasher-asana and he goes "OH DUDE!" and tries to put the thing back in!!! ALL WHILE DOING THE POSE! THIS pose...

He THINKS he has put lucifer back in the box but he hasn't really and the darned thing keeps coming back out. 

yah. 

Annnnd he keeps puttin' it back in and so forth. He's also looking around all embarrassed to see if anyone saw and he looks right at me, who's looking ANYWHERE but him, and then I just lose it.

 I start to laugh. And then I can't stop laughing but I have to cover it up because I DO NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I KNOW.  So I start talking "to the class" about stuff that isn't even funny, but I'm all cracking up and they're all confused because I am making no sense. I'm saying stuff like "yah, you know, yoga can sometimes be difficult HAHHAHAHAHAH! Especially when it's really hot in here HAHHAHAHHA! And your mats get all sweaty HAHAHHAHAHA! Ohhhhh...you guys are so funny HAHHAHAHHAHA!"

Then it was FINALLY over and I was all "SAVASANA!"(the final resting pose)  even though it wasn't at all time for the final pose and there was still 15 mins of class left. and as soon as flasher dude was lying down I bolted from my seat and ne'er returned. 

I really REALLY don't get paid enough for this. It's gonna take a double dose of Vicodin to erase this kinda pain. 

THIS is the kind of thing that gets me blogging again. Genius. Sheer Genius.

I practically killed a celebrity....and other stories in the news...

A famous chick came to my class last night. And during crow pose she sprained her wrist JUST as I was yelling at everyone "Don't wimp out in crow....DO IT!"

oops.

SO much for my celeb following. And on another note, what cracks me up living in LA is reading Yoga instructor bios. If your'e ever bored at work just go to any random LA yoga studio site and read the bios...WRITTEN by the teachers themselves btw. And you will find, 10 times out of 10, the words "Teaches classes around the world" (because they once showed their cousin a few poses in mexico)  "inspirational" and "CELEBRITY following." It's quite amusing. My MOST favorite though is when it's all "so and so has been practicing yoga since the age of 2..." Riiiiiighht.

But the REAL exciting news of the week is twofold. ONE...I figured out how to make Vegan Ranch Dressing!!!!! Life is complete. Must add this to my yoga bio. (and it tastes amazing, Bitches!) And TWO..

ANGRY. BIRDS. SHANGHAI EDITION.

'nuff said.

ps. Before you get all judgy, I just want to add that I spent countless brain cells and hours devising this vegan ranch recipe because if you BUY ranch mix it has "less than 2% buttermilk" which I would NOT have! SO I chopped up my own herbs and pepper and stuff and made my own....only to end up using it on regular cheese quesadillas. But hey...THE RANCH WAS VEGAN!!!

awwww...who needs a hug today?

My week has turned rather annoying. My brand new vacuum broke...AGAIN. And though this is about to sound very whitey elitist...I fear that it's not the vacuum but the housekeeper who has now broken my washing machine, vacuum...TWICE, expensive coffee grinder and almost the dryer.  And she doesn't speak english so I cant even yell at her.

See? Assholes need hugz too!

Dumb as They Come! or Do they have summer school for adults?

Really.

There are moments when I just have to shake my own head at myself for being the dumbest person I know. It's like, did I even GO to college?? Is this old age? Or genetic. I feel like I USED to be very smart. And then one day I woke up and was all "what's this stupid facebook thingie?"

This is how I felt the other day when my mom said "can you even believe this casey Anthony trial?"
and I said "really? there's a trial for exposing yourself on the internet? Did he get arrested for the whole twitter thing??"

My mom looked at me dumbfounded. "NO. CASEY Anthony. The woman who murdered her CHILD?!?!"

I hadn't even heard of this. But of course I said "oohhh! yah! Of course. I heard you wrong!"

LIE.

I just thought that people were calling The Anthony Weiner stuff "Casey Anthony" for some strange reason.

If that had been an exchange with a friend I would have admitted my stupidity. But admit to MY MOM??? that I'm dumber and more out of the loop that HER??

NEH. VER.

I blame Twitter wars and Hangin' with Friends and my new obsession with walking to audio books. Sure I've lost 40 lbs...but I don't even know who's running for President! I DO know however, that Ashton Kutcher stopped his war with Village Voice over sex trafficking and that Dooce is accused of being a poverty tourist and that the word "shovel" stumps people in hangin' every. single. time.

I really need to branch out  to something more mainstream media. Like the NEWS news. And no, not US weekly news. At LEAST People magazine.  At least!

Summa summa summa-time

I can't even BUH-lieve it's almost July!! I was in Nordstrom yesterday (everyday) and they had FALL STUFF out! Which thrills me to no end as that is my MOST favorite clothing season. I am SO getting these....

And when I say "getting these" what I mean is that I want these for my Birthday....soooooo.....

Also, I've been somewhat Vegan now for like a MONTH. Maybe even more. It's the gateway drug to this...

LUCKILY the fine people from Europe FINALLY brought these to the US....

Seriously. If you have not even had a Magnum bar then just don't start. Annnnnd I ate a whole box yesterday. Which isn't very vegan of me. When I have ever gone to another Country I GORGE on these. Obsessed. Which is good, because now that they're in the US, these alone will keep me from ever being 100% vegan and therefore I will remain hated by all Outback Drivers and Tom's shoes wearers. 

Subject changer...I also saw this at the grocery check-out yesterday...

And I thought, huh....I wonder if Italians are BEYOND insulted by this! Like, THIS is what Italy has to offer??? THIS is a gift of Italy?? 

Just typing all this made me hungry...gonna go eat more magnum bars make my vegan smoothie

One of THOSE People

Yah. I've done IT. Crossed over into Crazy Town aka Whole Foods Shopper. I'm a vegan now. Well. that's not entirely true. I'm a sometimes fair weathered vegan...MEANING if you are visiting me from out of town (OR down the block) we ARE going to cheesecake factory. 

But in my everyday life at home I am attempting to eliminate all animal products. Yes. Even cheese :(  (unless you're coming over for a wine and cheese party)(anyone? anyone?) And I'm only telling YOU guys this because my audience is judgy free! HA!

 AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

The PROBLEM with this lifestyle is that ONE...It means I have to go to Whole foods WAY more than ever. I try to limit it to once a week. And I am learning more and more about their uh, clientele, as it were. I haven't stumbled upon more busy body proselytizers  IN MY LIFE. And I've BEEN to Bible camp AND lived in Utah! I am not even kidding when I tell you that at LEAST once per trip SOMEone has come up to tell me about what product to buy....and we aren't talking about employees here. CUSTOMERS. I'll be looking at the ingredient list on something and sure enough I hear "Oh..have you TRIED that one yet? Because you have GOT to try the raw organic chia seeds...what you have there? those are just plain raw! Blyackkkk!"

The OTHER problem is that I get kinda spacey and light headed sometimes. I don't know if it's my body weeding out toxins OR screaming for a slab of Brie.

I consider myself blameless here. It's NOT MY FAULT! It all started with this stupid movie and then from that movie I read this stupid book. And now I am hooked. And people say media doesn't affect us! Please God...PLEASE...SOMEONE make a movie about the benefit of Oreos! 

This has surprisingly been pretty easy. I mean I was almost kinda sorta vegetarian before (except for that honey baked ham my brother made at easter) (the one I said I wouldn't touch)(and then ate half of it) (to his chagrin because there went the leftovers for ham sandwiches!) But yah. So. It HAS been easy and actually kinda fun. I know. 

You're shaking your head. 

Deleting me from your RSS feed.

I don't blame you. But just know that mommy and cheese still love each other and we will NEVER stop loving YOU.

procrastinators r us

Seriously. I am the worlds biggest procrastinator. I am procrastinating so hard that I'm BLOGGING! And this, AFTER I already tidied up the house, cleaned the counter tops (I don't clean) and took out the recycle bin! (I have never done this) I have lots to do....they just are THAT unappealing apparently that I refuse to do them. SO here I sit. Writing and watching Sex and the City reruns and playing Words with Friends and now even the new "Hanging with Friends" (hurry...GET THIS ONE so we can play!)

It's a good thing I own my new (non) business. Otherwise I'd SO be fired!

Pooped Friday

I am exhausted. NOT from all the spinning and walking and general exercise I've been doing the last few months. No. I am pooped because PEOPLE KEEP WEARING PATCHOULI TO SPIN CLASS!!! WHY???? That smell makes me want to die. Its worse than a fart. And it sucks my energy into its nasty vapors. I always try to find the culprit so I can yell at them or spit on them or SOMETHING like I would normally have done pre-personality rehab. But it makes me all dizzy and confused and I feel like PeeWee Herman when he lost his bike and was all wandering around thinking that EVERYONE stole it...

I'm not making sense am I? yah. It's the patchouli fumes. And all the workouts.

But all I have to say is...I've missed you guys SO much! That's the only reason I'm back here, bitching again. Because my life has been lonely and empty without all your funny banter and comments.  And who else will listen to my Fabio sightings and how I ate lunch RIGHT next to heidi montag last week?

Or how I walk by this sign everyday...

and up until just a few days ago thought it was saying "421 brunches for u" and I was all "wow! The banks are giving away brunches now? cool!"

Or look at gratuitous pics of the cutest baby niece ever...

or look at even more pics of the cutest DOG ever!

And WHO else would I share my underwear hoarding problem with??

(I counted 102 pairs....74 brand new) (I guess they didn't really cover this at personality rehab)

SO THANK GOD for you guys!

Is it time for cousin Oliver to go home?

My poor sad neglected blog....do I keep writing on this dinosaur or have we already jumped the shark??

Sorry. But this made me laugh too.

This is so freakin cute. It's been on the morning news all day. My dogs don't eat bubbles. Unless they're shaped like shoes.

apparently it's youtube week here at the YB

I actually laughed out loud in parts.