when the meds don't work...

Well, every once in a while we all, in humanity, make BIG BIG HUGE stupid mistakes, cuz, you know, I'm, WE'RE only human on this planet. And when psychotropic meds don't work, and the psychiatric community fails you, well then I, I mean WE, turn to, say OTHER measures, EVEN IF they aren't the smartest measures. We cope. We do our best. Some turn to the bottle, some turn to Jesus. And you know, AT LEAST I don't have a reckless cocaine habit...although.....
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...although a reckless cocaine habit may have made more sense...

Trapper John, M.D.

I just went to get a "physical" at a "doctor's" office.

Now, I haven't had a physical, in umm, well, 3rd grade maybe? dunno. Mostly because I HATE doing stuff like that and even though it's "just a $20 co-pay" there are ALWAYS hidden charges from my ghetto insurance company. But anyhoo I was bored the other day, People's Court was in re-runs, and I just decided to schedule every doctor appointment possible. After all I pay $100 a month for this lame insurance, that DOESN'T even cover the ONE doctor I see every week, so i figured I should use it.

I had to fill out one of those lame forms where you lie a lot. And they ask those questions about family history to which I know none. I mean, who does? It asked about my maternal great grandmother. And her health history. Well, i don't even know my own mother's health history, and the sad part is, I didn't even know my parent's ages. they're in their mid sixties somewhere. after 50, it's all the same...just old.

(my dad reads this blog. It's gonna be a dry christmas for me)

Then the questionnaire asks funny things like "do you have a problem with food?"

wellll, isn't that kind of subjective. By FOOD, do they mean, oreos? And is coffee included in the FOOD category? I mean I have a problem with SOME foods, but I have NO problem overeating, say spinach (well, unless it's the costo spinach dip) or tofu or wheat grass...So I answered the obvious "NO"

And then of course you answer NO and you then get weighed. I just looked at the ceiling and whistled.

Then I SEE the ole doc and I explained that I had gained a heftly load of weight these last 2 years, but you know, NOT cuz I have a "problem" with food, it was you know, a 'problem' with LA. I said all this AS IF I had been skinny before, never ever had a weight issue," just these last two years. oh well, what're you gonna do?"

so he asked, "what are you going to do?"

And I said matter of fact, that you know, I work out now. I spin.

Then he says, and I quote "you know, they have found that you actually lose weight from actually taking in LESS food, LESS calories"

uhhhh. you think?

and then "and studies have actually shown that people who weigh everyday are successful in weight loss, whereas people who DON'T weigh every day gain it back"

K, I have been weighing myself everyday since I was 5, hmmmm.

Aside from all this nonsense, he was fat. not BIGGEST LOSER fat, but for sure "hefty." he must not weigh EVERY DAY.

THIS? is why I hate going to doctors. They tell you stuff you already know from the internet. I personally believe they are moving towards obsolete. They're only good for prescription meds in my book.

spiritual spin

I just got back from spin class. I cried in my car ALL.THE.WAY.HOME. I cried allll the way down Sunet, LaBrea and to my garage. Spin class left me an emotional wreck. I know, I know, using the words "emotional" and "spin" in the same sentence is CLEARLY a sign that someone is in need of clinical psychotherapy.

uh huh.

I know I have been blogging about spinning WAY too much, and quite frankly, I only go once a week. So that just goes to show how VERY much it completely tortures you. It has never left me in tears on the way home, and worst of all, I wasn't crying about ANYthing.

Thank GOD I got home and DESIGN STAR was on, because I stopped crying IMMEDIATELY and started judging other loser's lives. What really gripped me was that they had a kind of contest where "deserving" families wrote in to get chosen for the design "stars" to go "enhance" their lives by re-doing a room for them. This just cracks me up.

FIRST of all they show one of the winning families who are giving their sob story. and first up was this full on white trash couple who video taped their "living room" Their carpet section was all moldy and coming apart, their blinds were literally all falling down, their plaid couches were so stained and raggedy you could BARLEY see the pink plaid showing through. Their linoleum was all coming up from the floor...it was a disaster. And THEN among all this wreckage, their baby crawling on the particle board floor, she says into the camera, practically fake crying "I wanna fix up everything but we just don't have the money. we are broke and we jus' wanna nicer place for our baby" BUT as she's talking you can't HELP but notice the BRAND NEW 60 inch TV in the background.

HAHAHAHHAH!

Then my next favorite part is when the "designers" go out to "help" these deserving families and you can hear the voice-overs saying " this is what I LOVE about being a designer...being able to change people's lives, enhance them you know?!"

ahhh, no matter how bad life can get, no matter how much a shambles spin class leaves you in, no matter WHAT your life circumstance, you can ALWAYS redecorate....or, at least watch it happen and make fun of it on TV.

either way, it changes your life...you know?!

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

what? I mean....why is geography so important anyway?!?!

YOGIC SAGE LIFE LESSONS

SO OVER: Pampering your children

SO LAST SEASON: Pampering your pets

SO NOW: pampering your iphone

coffee talk...

Conversation this morning with Richard....the regular coffe guy in his early hundreds who is a staple here at jack's coffee in NY...

RICHARD: hey! whatever happened to that nice japonese girl that worked here?

ME: You mean Haya? Oh she became a yoga instructor! she teaches yoga now!

RICHARD: Yoga? well, you'd think she would have done something, anything, better than THAT!

ME: (smiling)

RICHARD: I mean, she is smarter than THAT. You would expect her to be in the senate or or, running a company or something. but not THAT!


god I love New York.

welllll...when in Jersey.....

All I can say is...NORDSTROM ANNIVERSARY SALE+TAX FREE SHOPPING+IHOP BREAKFAST HIGH =one happy ass yoga teacher in NO need of therapy and/or mood altering drugs. Tom Cruise was right...there ARE other ways.

riding in cars with pugs

no respect I tell ya....no respect.


too many Zingers and cheetos


"Are we there yet? are we there yet? wait...where are we?"

Number of tickets in West Virginia for driving a commercial truck in the left hand lane? 1
(cuz EVERYBODY KNOWS you don't drive a moving truck in the left lane! Idiot!)

Number of Pug pee pee stops? 42

Number of scenic views? 0

Number of pugs you can smash into the space between two car seats? 2

Number of times you stepped on dozing pugs underneath the gas pedals? countless.

Number of times you thought "my labs would NEVER do that?" millions.

uhhhh..what?

I just wanted anyone who reads this to know, if you're ever feeling like you can't do anything right, or someone or something makes you just feel dumb and stupid, well you can come to MY blog and then you will feel better!

For the past coupla days I have been feeling VERY tired. back on MON I felt like I was getting sick, so I went and bought some AIRBORNE (even though I don't REALLY believe in it, but thought, FINE, what the hell, maybe it'll work) So by WED I was feeling EXHAUSTED, so I thought it was because I was getting sick...REALLY sick. By today, I felt dizzy while I was driving, light headed all day, panicky that I had cancer that my dumb ass dogs had NOT sniffed out...and I thought I might have to go to a real doctor to get checked for cancer or whatever horrible dizzy-making disease that was sucking the lifeblood outta me.

I was actually getting really worried.

I had NEVER been so sick that I felt dizzy and like sleeping ALL THE TIME, with no other symptoms.

So I slumped home today, and grabbed desperately for my last Airborne fizzy tablet and it was only THEN that I saw on the tube that I had been, ALL WEEK...EVERY MORNING, taking airborne NIGHTIME!!!!!

so, cancer cured.

AND? AIRBORNE SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I didn't even KNOW they MADE a Night formula!

Valley of the Yoga Dolls

Aside from the fact that I don't drive a premium luxury BRAND NEW Range Rover, I had one of those moments today where I suddenly noticed my very CLICHE LA behavior, and I had to pause and laugh at myself.

Well, I was filling my MANY prescription Meds, fresh outta the shrink's office, and while at the pharmacy I picked up the new US weekly and People, and a pack of gum, and I got in my car, popped the lids, poured the happy little pills in my hand and swiftly downed them with my Iced double mocha. ahhh...lunch. (Trust me, you don't want me off my meds...) WHILE I was texting my friend in the other hand. THIS, my friends, is the GLAM life of a multitasking LA yoga teacher extraordinaire!!

I then sped away, off to Target, to get some toilet paper.

meditation, schmeditation.

WHy I sometimes hate my yoga job....

Scene 1: Int. CAR. Me (on cell phone calling the last dregs of yoga teachers because all the normal teachers are busy)

ME: Hi, umm is MOTHER there?

MOTHER: yah, this is HIM.

(a beat)

ME: umm, yah, so this is PeeWee, and I was umm, wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class.

MOTHER: oh sorry! My boyfriend and I are going to the beach.

(silence)

ME: (I have drifted off into my mind, where Mother and his boyfriend are having sex and they're in bed and his boyfriend is going "oh yes MOTHER. YES!!") uhhhokaythanksgottago...


Scene 2: int. car. ME (on cell call #2)

MAN's VOICEMAIL: Hi! You have reached the desk of SOARING EAGLE, i am either away or on another call, but please leave a message. namaste.

ME: (some silence because I am drifting...a desk? what is he...a lawyer? accountant? insurance salesman? does his boss ever get mad and be all "HEY SOARING EAGLE where the FUCK did you put those case files?!?!?")

umm, hi, SOARING EAGLE, this is ummm PeeWee and I was umm wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class, so it's gentle yoga, and ummm, you know, they are pretty easy and so if you can just call me back. (trying to sound cheery) thanks soaring eagle!


SCENE 3: same car..


ME: hey is this LIGHT?

LIGHT: yes it is

ME: hey light! (trying to be witty) so you have a last name, or is it just light?

LIGHT: (all serious) it's just LIGHT.

ME. Oh yah! haa haa...hee...anyways, I was um wondering if you could sub my sunday class...

LIGHT: no sorry, I would LOVE to because I actually took your class once and I loved it.

ME: oh yah? well, what do you look like, would I recognize you?

LIGHT: yah, well I'm a tall black guy, but i was in the back.

(a beat)

ME: (in my mind) well, shouldn't your name be like, DARK?

ME: okay. so, well thanks anyways LIGHT (dark)



See what I have to deal with? I am so sick of all these yoga teachers whose names are PROBABLY JIm or Lamont or Nels and then they have to go pick these airy, dramatic, fluffy names. And then they act all SERIOUS when you ask about it. I mean, couldn't they be a little more REAL when choosing their yoga name? I mean couldn't MOTHER's name be FATHER? Did he discuss it with his boyfriend? did they FIGHT about it and MOTHER wanted to be FATHER but his boyfriend, a total nellie, INSISTED that he be FATHER?

Were I to have a yoga name it would just be BITCH. or FATTY...YAH! haha...just FATTY, no last name. and people would be all "hey, have you taken FATTY's class yet? it's AMAZING!" But then I'd have to be super skinny so it wouldn't make any sense.

ho hummm.

bustedtees.com

these are just a few of my faves...






















and on another note...Airborne? is disgusting! for people who say that God created everything "perfectly"...then why oh why doesn't all medicine taste like frappuccinos? huh? answer THAT one big guy!

you spin me right round baby right round...

Just got back from spin. is it getting any easier? no.
BUT here's WHY it is SO good for you. It makes you SO tired and fuzzy and mushy that you can hardly even walk, let alone think after. I know this doesn't SOUND like a benefit, but you get SO tired that you forget to scream at people. So like, on the way home, when some ass cuts you off, your arms are too shaky to honk the horn, and you open your mouth to scream, but then you just sigh. there's NO energy left.
So THAT is why it is so healthy to spin!

SAT AM...It's lonely in the wee hours...

I am up. It's 8:00 AM. Though I am sure SOME people in LA are awake, no one I KNOW is up right now, or if they are they're of the outdoorsy variety and are doing outdoorsy LA stuff. I guess I could go work out.

BUT There's a Melrose Place marathon on right now. I haven't seen this show since the early 90's. Hey...whatever DID happen to R.E.M? where did they go? I kinda miss them.

friday fog blog...

I just woke up. it's 9:30. I originally woke at 6:30 to take the dogs out. well, actually let's be real. I was WOKEN up by the idiots, cuz they wanted to go out. Then we all came back in, I threw them some bones and mama put her eye mask back on and went back to bed!

The thing is I have been trying not to have coffee in the morning...and THIS is the result. Plus today I was (am) just extra tired. for no reason. I wasn't up late. that would require a social life, a night life as the young-uns call it these days. My head is just foggy, a big caffeine deprived fog. SAD. I can't hardly even function.

I was actually up kinda late finishing a good book...called LOST AND FOUND. It's about this chick who finds a stray dog and they bond etc etc. the book talks a lot about how dogs are SO sensitive to humans and that they can actually SNIFF out cancer and illness WAY before we ever know about it. I have heard this before, but it rings in my brain right up there with the curing powers of crystals and the healing pwoers of talking to your plants and belief in ghosts, and the well being you get from cleaning your own house etc... In other words, in one ear and out the other. My brain simply refuses to retain such things.

I mean I WANT to believe AMAZING things about dogs. Will they protect me from black and asian and cat looking strangers (or anyone who wear a dangerous looking hat)? definitely. Will they calculate EXACTLY how much time it takes from when they hear my car door close to when I get up the stairs? yah! Can they hear a bag of dog treats crinkle from 5 blocks away? for sure!

But sniff out cancer? I mean...do they mean ALL dogs? or just SOME super smart kinda dogs? I mean my dogs ARE amazing! But even if beck COULD sniff out my cancer (and he is my wise soulful one) on the way over to to tell me about it he would get too quickly sidetracked by a stray stick, grab the stick with the ferocity of a guy witha reckless cocaine habit, and wanna play fetch. Then he'd pass out from exhaustion." Oh well," he thinks as he drifts off to sleep," I'll tell her tomorrow. wait. what was I gonna tell her?"

And Maggie? um she's SUPER cute. And therefore more likely to inform me that my hamburger is overcooked, and therefore unedible on my part, so I better just throw that puppy on the ground and she'll TAKE CARE OF IT.

I guess it could be true. But pehaps with a different breed. or is it different training? Are my dogs just of the paris hilton varierty? spoiled and under challenged?

perhaps. but I could make a pretty STRONg arguement for their shallow gene pool too.

Sorry to throw all this SCIENCE on you guys on a friday.


I'm totally gonna sniff out your cancer....as soon as I'm done with my nap.


hey. i think I see a big ball of cancer...wait no that's just a ball!!!! throw that thing will ya?

From the Nordstrom "magically exploding" fall shoe collection....

of course, it could ONLY happen to me....

Today, God and Jesus AND Noah are sitting up in heaven laughing their ASSES off, high 5ing each other...and Jesus turns to GOD and says "GOOD one dad...GOOOOOD ONE!" and then rolls over his side, catching his robe in his birkenstocks as he chokes into peals of girly snorty style laughter...

BEFORE this scene...the THREE had been sitting on the edge of their clouds waiting for THIS to happen...

I am sitting in my Shrink's office finishing a rather great $200 hour and he says "i think you can come less now...maybe even just once a month."

Excited? yes I was. I was FIXED! cured! (mostly) (i hadn't spit on anyone in days...WEEKS even!)

and then he says " and just so you know, I joined YOUR GYM"

UH. WHAT!?!

for those of you who don't know this...My GYM? is also MY JOB!

"yah...I PROMISE though that I won't take your yoga class" he says while chuckling.

I sat there with a weird fake shocked type smile generally reserved the the criminally insane when they just find out they got THE CHAIR.

I mean...of COURSE he isn't allowed in MY CLASS, but THAT doesn't make it better. I am now going to SEE this guy in quite possibly, small, tight gym shorts! or or a dirty wife beater tank..Or worse...what if he spins? and I run into him in BIKER SHORTS?!
WHAT if he is also wearing black knee socks or something else equally nerdy and lame?
WHAT IF he decides on a hot summer day to take a swim and I see him stroilling down the hall in...in...SPEEDOS?!?!

Is this even LEGAL? ETHICAL?

WHAT WOULD FREUD DO??

I mean this is WRONG. I object! This never happened on the Sopranos! Lorraine Bracco never EVER just decided to go to Tony's strip club! or like, his mob meetings and stuff.

How can I sit in an office, at $200 an hour and take this guy seriosuly after I've seen him huffing and puffing his way up a stairclimber?!

Now I need a shrink just to get through my other shrink showing up at my GYM/JOB!

and like, what if he DOES get a wild hair and show up in class? how can I act all authoratative and bossy to a guy who knows I SPIT on people?!

I mean in the middle of down dog is he going to lift his head and be all "I THINK we need to up your meds..."

GOD. I need a drink or ten mochas or something for this. Where ARE those girl scouts and their damn cookies when I need them?!

And HOW? I ask, will I be able to make fun of him TO him!? I mean I talk about everyone else in there...(i mean, you know, except YOU...I would NEVER talk about YOU)

UGH. I guess GOD was upstairs too busy with America's Next Top Model, helping THEM out, to be bothered with little ole me.

I don't think Pfizer even MAKES a drug for this.

WHAT is this world coming to?

....meanwhile, back on cloud nine...

(JESUS is in tears) "dad..dad...OMIDAD, this is too much. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Oh! I have a stomache cramp from laughing. wait wait...let's get here MOM to join!! HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH...."

party puffs?

I went to my friend Patrick's party last night. I got all excited when I walked in (because of course my eyes went DIRECTLY to the food table) and I saw what appeared to be a big bowl of CHEESE PUFFS!!

CHEESE PUFFS.
AT.A.PARTY.

I was in disbelief and ECSTATIC! not so much because I wanted to EAT cheespuffs right then, but more because I thought FINALLY it's acceptable again to have a bowl of cheese puffs for party food! FINALLY it's not just ME who would WANT that! AND to add to my glee, THIS friend is a healthy gym rat gay dude with healthy pretty West Hollywood gaybors...so if it's acceptable HERE, then MAN imagine what might pop up at a straight party!? bowls of fritos and bean dip in a can? deviled eggs? rice krispy treats? cheeze whiz? chicken-in-a-biskits with Lipton's onion dip?? little weinies on toothpicks?

no more wheat crackers and Carr's pepper bakes!! No more veggie platter! No more gourmet lame olives stuffed with weird stuff....CHEETOS BOWLS are back! And if they're back with the uber-gays...then bust out the hoho's as dessert!! "MAN"! I thought "I'm throwin a party!!"

I was so SO awash with relaxation and amazement. This was the beginning of a new/old era!

Then I floated over to the table itself and as I got closer my dreams started crashing...It was a big bowl of...of...of....CARROT STICKS!!!

WAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!

THAT party? sucked! stupid gays. and their fucking carrot sticks!

sunday afternoon in the summer...

MRS. WORLD is on right now. It is hosted by Adrienne Curry (ANTM)(cycle 1) and CHristopher Knight (BRADY BRADY BRADY!!) and it is, AMAZING. I just got in right as the TOP 12 were being announced...and guess what? MRS. POLAND! made it! Yay her!

WHY I am loving it so much? is because there are just some things that you THINK have died with the Cleavers and Prohibition and Racial Quotas and Denny's being considered a NICE restaurant...and then there's MRS. WORLD and you realize "HEY! THINGS are JUST as they were back in 1971" PHEW!

The best part is Peter Brady being SERIOUS as a host as he has to tell the "ladies" they have been eliminated.(he's had a brow lift, BTW)(when it's time to change...it's time to re-arrange!)

MRS. INDIA's last name is LOPEZ. weird. You think she came in 2nd in the MISS MEXICO finals and defected to India, got married, and applied for MRS. WORLD? We may never know unlesss IN TOUCH covers it.

Some of the ladies, during the bathing suit competition, wore nylons. MRS. America didn't. I think if you're gonna have a bathing suit contest, you have to tell the MRS. that they have to be bare legged. That's just what I think.

MRS. PAKISTAN got elimintaed and is PISSED. She called the rest of the MRS. contestants "STUPID and DUMB." Now that's just being a SORE Mrs. LOSER MRS. PAKISTAN!!

Also, Mrs. CHINA is HOT. but she's 26. While MRS. UKRAINE is also pretty hot, but she's 36. that doesn't seem fair. Because Mrs. UKRAINE has wrinkles and also had to wear nylons with her bikini.

MRS. AMERICA said in her interview "you know, we're not really competing. We're EXCELLING!"

I wonder if, like athletes can't have steroids, they can't have botox. can they test for that?

uh...MRS MOSCOW is 19...that is SO not fair! I mean seriosuly, there needs to be BOUNDARIES!!! I mean this just encourages pageant contestants to marry young.

MRS. GERMANY (she lost) says that "it's all rigged. All political" bitter grapes MRS. GERMANY....bitter grapes.

Peter Brady says that they are judged 25% bathing suits 25% formal wear and 50% interview. RIGHT peter.....Riiiiiiiggghhhhhtttt.

I wonder if the winner can go home with her crown and STILL be expected to Iron and vacuum. Cuz if I won that I SO would come home demanding a maid. And if my husband gave me ANY shit I would just be all "I AM MRS. WORLD!!!!"

okay....now I'm pissed because MRS. AMERICA won!? what. EVER. she isn't EVEN as pretty as MRS. YEMEN. MRS. GERMANY was right! this WAS rigged!

mexico and stuff...

I'm back from my vaca...no no, my retrea...nope...REHAB! I am back from rehab. It wasn't in Malibu though, it was in Mexico. And it wasn't for coke and/or martini addiction...THIS rehab was more for people who THOUGHT they were going to relax on the beach with NO coffee or meat, do some yoga, and otherwise float in the sea.
Those people would be wrong though. (These people? are ME)

Anyhoo, I came back feeling wrung out and EXHAUSTED, to people greeting me with "OH MY GOD! how was your vacationn?!?!?!? did you have funn?!?!"

I could barely mumble back "wasntavacation"

It's THURSDAY, I got back on sunday, and I am JUST recovering from my recovery.

I felt like Lindsay Lohan, walking around the first few days, with a water bottle in my hands instead of a starbucks cup. I felt "cured" and "superior" I had been HEALED. Then I saw her big coke binge car wreck of a weekend, mere weeks after her own rehab stint and I couldn't help but wonder "is that what's in store for me?" "Will I, in a mere few weeks be found slumped over a starbux patio chair, coffee stains down my face and pants, mumbling about venti doubles with whip?"

oh well, whatev's. I learned a LOT of key phrases on my VACATION.

so I share them here with you my fellow addicts....

"THE ANSWER TO HOW IS IN THE NOW." (self-help leaders LOVE to rhyme)(I don't even know what this means, but it rhymes)

"If you want to HEAL you've got to FEEL"

"THIS IS FITNESS FOR YOUR INNER WITNESS" (uhhh, what?")

"IF YOU CAN, YOU MUST" ( so I took this literally and yesterday I thought if I can get coffee, I MUST")

The funny thing about all the talky rhymey sesame street rehab talk is that everyone there just wanted to lose 10 lbs from the fruit fast they heard about.

and I DID!

Yay ME! I AM FREE! TIME FOR COFFEE!

(I'll be hosting my own mexican retreat/vacation/rehab soon. I'll keep you posted)






"

More Spin Class Cult torture...

I did another spin class. I still want to puke, can't sit normally, and my 'ha ha hole' is still numb AND it could audition for a 'very special episode' of Law & Order SVU and get the part.

Can I also mention that...

A. I actually cried it was so hard and

B. People who spin are INSANE MANIACS who I would SMACK or SPIT ON if I knew how to get my feet out of those stupid clips so I could get off my bike and do it.

One ass-peddler brought a cup of coffee. to spin class. bet there was a little vodka it there. and speed. same guy also brought little hand weights, cuz you know, spin class is so eeeeeezyyyy, papa needs a little more biceps. My friend next to me said "bet that guy goes home at night and puts coke up his ass." (sorry, dad)

one woman looked like road runner she was spinning soooo fast....quite literally could NOT see her feet or legs, just a blurrr. she was also bobbing her head like a starved chicken and would, ever few seconds scream out "WOOOOOO. WAH-HOOOOOO. YEEEEE-OOOOOOOH!!!" and then look around to everyone for a nod of solidarity.

Like I said, If I hadn't been folded over the handlebars heaving and crying, and locked into my pedals, I woulda spit on her.

BEST BOOK EVER!!!!

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS by Jennifer Lancaster....Maggie was ENTHRALLED.

WhiteyVille....Little Jewtown....

Does anyone else find it weird when they drive by signs that say "little india" or "chinatown", or "thai town"...or do you just accept this as a title of an area?

Because i kinda think it's pretty racist. I myself, am for sure racist in some ways. It's not called "yogaBITCH" for nuthin'.

It seems like we name stuff for the people who will "take it" passively. I mean, HARLEM is not called "little africa" and My neighborhood is not referred to as "JewTown" (cuz it should be. It is in fact MASSIVELY populated with hasidic jews and temples)
I just find it interesting that we are willing to call certain areas by their inhabitants, and yet it's only for some groups who don't fight it.

I mean seriously, could you imagine if we called COMPTON "blacktown?" There would be an uproar, marches on washington, etc...

Just what I was thinking today when I drove through Korea Town.

the elephant and the tree

there is a story I tell to my yoga students from time to time, to get them to go a little deeper, to seek out new answers, etc..

The story is that the way they train elephants in india is this... When they are babies, they chain them to a tree. It's a LONG chain. but they can only wander off as far as the chain will go. and they are chained for i dunno, years or something. Then when the elephant is all grown they take the chain off.. VOILA! FREEDOM!.

...or so you would THINK. But alas, NO, the elephant THINKS it still has the chain, and for the rest of it's life will never wander further (farther?) than the original chain.

The Moral? What hidden "unreal" chains bind you and limit you in your life? Even though there are no REAL chains for us (well, I mean unless you're a convicted murderer)(they wouldn't GET this story) what theoretical chains bind you to the past???

deep.

moving,

thought provoking.

.
And you know, you're probably waiting for some snide sarcastic remark from me. I LIKE this story because I think it's true. I dunno if they actually TRAIN elephants this way, but The imaginary chain thing IS TRUE, and it makes a good compelling story.And it makes me sound deep and smart when I teach.

ANd I am REALIZING this week how very true it is. I had a "lightbulb moment" as it were. I was sitting here today. watching People's court from my NEW TiVo. I have been WITHOUT TiVo for 8 WHOLE MONTHS. And you know? I sat through the WHOLE hour of my TiVo'd show and realized at the END of the show, that I also watched all the commercials! The remote was RIGHT there in front of me. I COULD HAVE fast fwd'd the commercials. By JUST pushing a button. But I did not.

I, like the little baby elephant, had been trained. And even though the chains are now gone for me, I still forget to believe in myself, and Tivo, and could EASILY have watched a commercial free show. I then realized that I had been watching the commercials for th epast few DAYS.

MAN, those invisible chains are POWERFUL.

SO I share this with you today my friends, my family...I challenge you to go DEEPER. PAY ATTENTION to your life and REALLY ask yourself...what CHAINS are holding YOU back?! Don't make my mistakes. LEARN from them.

I love you all.

Namaste.

why I love fox news

DOnald Trump AND sanjaya malakar are on fox news this morning! I used to HATE the news. Now I lOVE the news...the ONLY way I would love the news MORE is if it were donald, sanjaya, AND The new bachelor/officer. GOD...I would become a shut-in.

Speaking Of crazy ass dumbshits, and I know no one else WATCHES THE BACHELOR....but you can at least understand that ABC is CLEARLY going through budget cuts because the Bachelor is back in LA AND they have chosen a 40 yr old unmarried navy officer (don't ask don't tell ploicy in effect) who is poor and stupid and old and is in the NAVY. ewwwww....what part of that rings as "a catch" to women? Being wooed by a prince...okay. Dating a wiine mogul heir, sure I'd give it a shot. Opening your legs and heart for a hot dumb football player....why not?

BUT a 40 yr old naval officer? yah...THAT"s romantic.... "and then , after we're married we get to LIVE ON BASE...and get food for REAL cheap at the base food store and I'm SURE he's not REALLY gay...that's just an old navy myth....and just think of the free time I'll have when he's away in his submarine for months and months with other men..."

workin' out

I Just took my first spin class in over about 8 months. I feel like puking, I can't move and my 'ha ha hole' is NUMB. this shit can NOT be good for you! I blame my current state on my mother.

ev'rybody was e-bay figh'in....

I've been dabbling lately in ebay selling..4 weeks now. and it only took 4 weeks until I received an email from a sweet canadian buyer...this is an actual email she sent. I took NO poetic license here.

HA HA MY ASS IS COVERED, AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY YOUR TELLING ME YOUR GONNA TRASH MY REP ON EBAY, IVE TRIED TO BE PROFESSIONAL WITH YOU UNTIL YOU SEND ME A SHIT TALK EMAIL. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU WITH YOU AMERICANS AND YOUR GANGSTER LOS ANGELES ATTITUDE, DONT YOU EVER THINK SHIT LIKE THAT IS GONNA SCARE ME HERE, IVE GOT THE FUNDS BITCH IN MY BANK ACCOUNT HERE IN CANADA, SO MY BANK IN CANADA AINT GONNA GIVE YOU ANYTHING OR REVERSE ANYTHING TO YOUR AMERICAN ASS AND NEITHER IS PAYPAL, THIS ISNT PAYMENT FOR DRUGS, LIKE THE WAY YOU MAKE IT SOUND: "GIVE ME THE MONEY IN 4 HOURS OR ILL COME TO CANADA AND SHOOT YOU WITH MY GANGSTER YOGA POSSE DRESSED IN LULU." HA! HA! I SO SHOULD HAVE SCAMMED YOU AND KEPT YOUR HOODIE BUT STUPID ME, I SENT IT OFF, AND WRAPPED IT UP REALLY NICELY SO IT WOULDNT GET DIRTY, UNLIKE YOU, JUST THROW IT IN A PARCEL UNWRAPPED SO WHEN I GOT IT THE PARCEL HAD HOLES IN IT SO IT POTENTIALLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN DIRTY, BUT DONT WORRY, IVE CHECKED IT AND ITS BRAND SPANKIN NEW. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? TOO MUCH KRISPY KREME AND POPEYES BISCUITS AND DUNKY DOUGHNUTS CLOUD YOUR BRAIN? BOY, YOU MUST THINK YOUR A REAL IDIOT NOW.

hmmmm...think I should choose another hobby? I dunno, gotta go get me another dunky donut...

Why God Loves not-quite-models!

ONE OF (because there are MANY) my favorite things about America's Next Top Model, is when a girl wins something, or gets picked, and she buckles to her knees, tears welling in her eyes and chokes out...

"Thank you JEEEESUS. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!"

or she gazes her pious face into the camera and says "...well, God was on my side tonight. HE knows what I need."

or when the winners clamor together to pray gratitude, bibles in hand, "...Jesus, heavenly father, THANK YOU for being with us today."

Now, the GOD I BELIEVE IN doesn't just sit around with Jesus on one side and Moses and NOAH on the other deciding who they will support on Tonight's ANTM!

Wait....yes he does.

Family sacrifices...

My little baby sister got married last weekend. It was adorable and sweet, she was also preggers, so it made it even more emotional...I cried blah blah...BUT she got married on Easter weekend, which in and of itself was not inconvenient.

HOWEVER when I flew home MON night I realized that I missed the big See's candy %50 off easter chocolates sale. I plan my ENTIRE year around this. I buy costco see's gift certificates so that not ONLY do I get half off, but it's also like getting another 30% off!!

you may be thinking "well, it's ONLY ONE DAY FOR CHRISSAKES!!"

You would be wrong in that thinking. This is a sale, where you have to line up the morning after easter BEFORE the place opens, shmooze all the grannies who are also lined up, patent leather purses all ready to go, ready to fight you for every last bordeaux egg, and be ready with your game plan in your head.

The part of my brain that LOVES to be in denial said "welll, maybe if you go tues morning there MIGHT be some eggs left, because MAYBE this is the year that they had LOTS of leftovers and not as many people showed up?!" (this is the same part of my zoloft induced brain that also justifies oreos and chocodiles as being "not THAT bad")

SO I went, ever the hopeful, looked around for the easter section, found it, and allllll that was left were JELLYBEANS!!! Because who in their right mind would buy JELLYBEANS at a chocolate store?!?!?

OH well, this is what it means to have FAMILY. Sacrifices need to be made sometimes. You have to think of THE OTHER PERSON. There is no I in LOVE.

BUT if that bitch goes into labor on the opening day of the Nordstrom Pre-Season fall sale, well sisterly love will fly out the window faster than you can say HALF OFF!!

no offense or anything,,,

This is what I am wondering, since I there are a few running around my gym...

WHY is it that transvetites are always like, the largest, gangliest, 6 ft 8 MEN with the hugest adam's apples on the planet? I NEVER see any trannies who are small wimpy guys to BEGIN with. In fact I know MANY smal puny men who would make GREAT women! (don't worry joe, even though you'd make a pretty lady, I am in fact NOT calling you PUNY)

But it seems like all the trannies running around my gym, as ummm, WOMEN, are larger than life. They look like giants, running on the treadmill, a good 3 feet higher than everyone else, with their false eyelashes, and long stringy weaves flinging every which way. This is all happenning while the puny straight boys are across the room, all 5 feet of them, trying to bulk up on the bench press for their Imaginary girlfriends...hoping to score with the ladies later with their teeny little pecks and little golf ball biceps. now THEY would be cute girls!

Well, guess the grass is always greener.

ebay is the new porn...

I rushed home last night, quickly fed the dogs, brushed my teeh, half-watched Idol because I was trying to get ready for bed, and then FINALLY went into my room, shut the door, turned off my phone, crawled in bed, made sure I had enough battery power, and opened my laptop as I literally went "ahhhhh"...

it was TIME to take care o' bidness. I have NEEDS.

Then the excitement began...

I waited with baited breath, my heavy breathing starting to fog the screen, so I took my sweaty hand and wiped it clean and waited for the page to load. I was dying with anticipation. the tension building...and building....going from opening page, to secured password page, to advertisements...(this is e-foreplay) and then , finally, there it was in front of me, in all it's glory.

RAW. NAKED. HUGE.

what I had been waiting for allll day....I moaned with ecstasy!!!!!!!.......

"YOU HAVE SOLD 3 ITEMS!"

I squirmed with glee. my heart was pounding, blood rushing to my nether regions as I pounded the keys...that feeling was climaxing to final glory...

"YOU HAVE BEEN PAID FOR 3 ITEMS!"

my eyes rolled back in my head...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA....

phew. what a night! I paused, sighed, swept the hair outta my face. Then went to paypal, calculated my earnings, had a few last shudders of ecstasy as I saw how much shipping they all paid, fondly took a look at the rest of my auctions, closed up the laptop and snuggled into a dreamy sleep.


I woke up this morning with a certain glow. I rolled over and felt a hardness pushing against my thigh. "oh you little rascal," I thought.

it was time for a second round.

I had another auction about to end.

seriously...

I was concerned about my morning outfit being too matchy matchy.

And then there's this.

Snoop Dog.

And his hair beads match his granny shower cap.
He needs zoloft. or something.

RAZOR THURSDAY

I woke up this morning VERY depressed, which is weird since I take stuff for that, and I figured it was the cold foggy morning.

except i LOVE cold foggy mornings. So then I paddle into the kitchen, make my NY coffee imported form NY and figure that will take the blues away, all the while thinking of how to seek revenge on our neighbors (that's a whole other blog that I can't wirte yet because am still too angry and may do bad things)

except it doesn't. I was still sitting here crusty and scowling, so I turned on the TV to fox news, which is like IN TOUCH weekly disguised as news, WITH weather!!! (I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...soooo many wasted boring mornings tedioudly half-listening to the today show or good morning america!)

anyhoo, THAT's when I realized why I had a mean spirit. BRANDON DAVIS WAS VOTED OFF!?!?!?!?!??! but wait. there's more. HE WAS VOTED OFF AND SANJAYA STAYED!!!!

I don't even know what to do with this major upset. I thought, given the odds of life, that after LAST week's crazy ass upset, that THIS week HAD TO BE BETTER. and THIS is what happens! There were like 3 people AT LEAST who were WAY WAY WAY worse (haley,phil aka powder,creepy sanjaya) than brandon. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can boycott. But at the same time It just all seems so WRONG and a waste of time if only retarded 10 yr old girls who DON'T KNOW WHAT "GAY" means yet, are the only people voting. The lifeblood has been sucked out of me. the world does not make sense. this is worse than when W won....again.

it's gonna be a dark day. Thursdays aren't looking good for the next while. consider yourself warned.

spring diet

I am starting a diet today.

WHY NOW? you ask.

WELLL...

NOT because I pay $200 an hour for my shrink to tell me that I need to lose weight.

NOT because I was prescribed anti-depressants because my shrink said gaining so much weight was a sign of depression.

NOT because none of my clothes fit, including my stretchy yoga clothes and underwear. when underwear gets tight you're in trouble...but that didn't even motivate me. I actually bought bigger undies.

NOT because I just noticed I have fat-lady-feet.

NOT because I went to vegas this weekend and pulled my back AND sprained my ankle because I am too fat to dance in heels.

,.,,but BECAUSE yesterday at the dog park my lovely little girl lab AND my old lab mistook me for this MUCH LARGER, shall we say, heavy set, lady WHO was also poorly dressed and a good 50 lbs heavier than me but her hair was in a bun like mine (never again) and they both went up to her thinking it was ME!!! they were noticeably confused when I SCREAMED at them to "get the hell over here" to me. They looked at me, looked at her, and THEN realized they had the wrong owner!! REALLY!!

They got no treats that night. stupid mutts.

So that was the perverbial straw that broke the fat camels back.

call me LIZA...

I have never been shy about my shrink prescribed meds...zoloft, adderral. BUT I am nothing if not discreet about it. I keep my little blue pills in a cute adorable pill case that LOOKS like a big tylenol. SO hip I can hardly stand it.

ANyhoo, as it so happens, my old dog Beck takes LOTS of meds and they come in these GIANT green prescription vials. Seriously, they look comical, the size of say, a coffee mug. He takes 3 different ones and one is a narcotic so it has a big huge label that says "THIS DRUG MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS AND MAY BECOME HIGHLY ADDICTIVE."

SO of COURSE I picked up all his meds at the vet one day, threw them in my purse and went along my merry way to teach my private client and his wife. After I was all done I went to leave and my client pulls me aside and he's hemming and hawing and I thought it was weird and he says...

"ummm, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your purse was my wife's purse and I was looking for her dayplanner, and I went searching in YOUR bag on accident and I am really sorry, because ummm, I didn't want you to think I was searching through YOUR purse, and ummm, invading your privacy, and ummm I'm REALLY SORRY."

I just chuckled and said, "oh, no big deal. it's fine. haha." I was perplexed as to why he was so nervous. so then he says...

"I mean I think I messed up some of your, ummm, STUFF, you know, and I feel really bad...because you know that's YOUR business and I feel like I really invaded your privacy because I moved some of your STUFF around"

and I was still like "oh I don't care...it's fine REALLY" all the while thinking, "man this guy has privacy issues"


THEN when I when I picked up my purse and got in my car, I realized why he was all nervous. all those big giant green pharmacy prescription NARCOTICS were askew. The labels glowing in the dark of my coach bag HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. DROWSY. REFILLS.MY NAME.

I just started snorting laughing to myself. he was probably in his house right that second telling his wife that her yoga instructor had some serious prescription drug issues.

oh well. when in hollywood....

old

I can BARELY deal with all these grey hairs that are getting INCREASINGLY difficult to pluck (my right temple is becoming quite bald) not to mention the new little spider veins creeping behind my knees...but today was icing on the alzheimers cake when I was just chilling on my couch, half watching regis and kelly, half trolling ebay, when my boss called and I answered cuz I thought maybe she wanted me to cover some no show or something. turns out I was the NO SHOW. I was supposed to be teaching a class and I 100 percent forgot. how lame is THAT? I FORGOT!!!!! And, unlike in my youth when "I FORGOT" was a half assed excuse, it is now a serious offense to my youth, because i actually forgot!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH.


what is WRONG with me? I was SO mad all day that it put me in a horrid mood that not even zoloft or the season premier of ANTM could touch.

running 'idol' commentary

Blake Lewis is going to win Idol...unless he completely fucks it up. he is SO cute and SO good. And also everyone else is sucking tonite. also he gets my vote for best dressed and best hair. he has, as simon says "the whole package."

on other news, I was witing for class to start and I was reading my new book THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE (which I can't put down) and one of my regular students walked in and said, shocked "WHAT are you reading? Are you reading something other than IN TOUCH?!?!?!?" THEY just don't KNOW me. I like to keep a nice line between me and student.

back to Idol...there's a michael jackson look/sound alike who creeps me out. his name is sanjaya. he needs a brow wax. that won't help him much. he would just look less, eddie munster-ish.

I had to pick up dogfood for my roomate yesterday (otherwise he "borrows" mine and my precious chosen ones eat only venison and duck, and it ain't cheap!) and he feeds his dog pedigree, and I was trying to figure out which flavor, and I was laughing out loud when they had "beef and noodle stew" because before man domesticated dog, back when they lived wild and hunted spaghetti, they were MUCh healthier! people are SO stupid. anyway I bought it cuz hey, not MY dog.

happy day-after-valentine's day!!

THIS is THE BEST day of the year. Why? because Valentine's is the lamest-yet-campiest holiday ever...but the day after??? NOT ONLY do all the heart chocolates go half price, BUT also the stores bust out the cadbury easter eggs, the fake egg crates filled with, not yucky egss, but perfect marshmallow filled chocolate eggs AND the "whopper" robin's eggs in the fake milk carton are released to the general public.

so in other words, you can have "eggs" and "milk" for breakfast and, you know, that counts!

I took the day off. this should be a legal holiday.

Can I also note, that in the "RALPHS" supermarket down the street, all the ceramic lawn easter bunnies are "dark". ALL. no white bunnies here. this is da hood. what I don't get though, is that we live in a hasidic jewish neighborhood. so not only is there no easter, but there are also no black people. so did our Ralph's get the wrong shipment?

on other news, there are these new shoes called MBT shoes. they are THE UGLIEST shoes ever (well, not as ugly as earth vegan shoes) and they cost about $300 per pair, the thing is, they make you build muscle and are like a workout just by walking around your house and/or office and stuff. I tried them on yesterday and just from walking around the granny store (they are sold at 'easy spirit'!!!) my legs were burning! I must have these crazy expensive shoes.

please. someone buy this for me!

this is what happens when you take a day off.

hooky

I am playing hooky today. I subbed out my class and am going to spiff up the guest room, hang my amazingly cute pictures of my amazingly cute dogs...



...and then do some yoga and stuff. right now however, I am watching regis and kelly. I am still reeling from the lame-ass TOP CHEF finale. Marcel lost. :( And more importantly he was a sore loser which THANK GOD, because THAT was the only entertaining part. he shoulda won. and TOP DESIGN? pffft. borrrrrrrring. could todd oldham BE a more lame ass YAWWWWNNNN host?

anyhoo, this is fun. taking a day off for NO REASON. I have nowhere to go. nothing to really do. don't have to fake a cough. don't have to clean (lucy polished my ugg boots) and don't have to pay any bills!!! wooohooooo. I highly recommend it.

i don't know

I really have nothing to post. But am sitting here and nothing is on TV, waiting for the TOP CHEF finale (in case you were wondering i am rooting for Marcel and his foam dishes)(and ONLY because it will make all those other asshole contestants SO mad! heeehehehhe) so I figured I would just write something. so um, let's seeeeeeee....

These are some pressing issues in my life.

1. The one and only bill that's NOT in my name is the cable bill. I hate feeling so out of control here. We have no DVR and my "roommate" keeps saying that he is calling, but I suspect like all hollywood people he is lying. So i am bitter every time I miss something good and am secretly plotting SOME sort of revenge but can't even THINK of anything that would be as torturous as NOT HAVING A DVR!!!!

2. we have a new maid. her name is Lucy. she brings her husband with her on sundays. they clean like CRAZY and make me so uncomfortable that I now can't come home for a nap after my sunday classes, because Lucy and mr. lucy will be hand scrubbing the inside of the vacuum and ironing the dogs and I can't just plop down on the newly fluffed couch to watch TV and eat a snack while they are breaking a sweat. So this week I actually went to yoga. Maybe this is what will get me to lose weight. i will be a size six in IRONED jeans!!

3. I went to get my Zoloft refill prescription last week and since it's a new year I guess I have to do the deductible again, only I didn;t know that. So when the pharmacist said "$78.85" I said matter of factly "uh NO. I only pay a co-pay" and he said "that IS the co-pay" and I said louder "NOOOOO. MY COPAY IS $25. NOT $78!!" and he said "welll, ma'am, maybe because it's a new year you have a deductible?" and I said now angry and very rude "NOOOOO! I don't start my new year until MARCH. YOU made a mistake and I don't appreciate you telling ME that I have a NEW deductible when in fact I KNOW I DO NOT!" and he said very calmly like he was talking to a psychotic "i do not know ma'am. we only go by your insurance. maybe they made a mistake and you could call them." and I said, still yelling and shaking "well YAH. I WILL. but the only mistake made was by YOU GUYS!! And I will NEVER come here again!!! and you shouldn't treat people like this!!!!!"

then I realized that I was in fact getting Zoloft and they were probably thinking "boy, she sure NEEDS that stuff!!"

assholes.

4. top chef is on!!!! we're all saved!

the lemonade diet aka...the master cleanse

I tried to go on the lemonade diet a few days ago. I bouht all these amazing meyer lemons, juiced them,started one morning and ended the day with a triple venti mocha. I failed.


sooo, what to do with all that lemon juice? well, I considered trying again today. I got the juice out, looked at it, told myself if I didn't start today then all that amazing lemon juice would go to waste, for motivational purposes.

Ended up making the MOST amazing lemon cream pie!!!! yummmmm....

one more thing....

should I get a lab puppy or have a baby? Either way i wanna name it callie.

okay okay...I'm still here

Sorry, I was in a New Year's downward spiral. THAT and it has been the week of all new tv shows like Idol and my super sweet sixteen, and the apprentice and the real housewives of orange county...and...and...and then with all the media fight between the donald and rosie, i simply had no TIME to blog.

But what was on my mind this week is this...what is the protocall during the holidays in regards to giving your shrink a gift? I mean, obviously, you don't give him a money bonus/tip or anything. I mean, they're already loaded. And then I thought "do I send a card?" But the only reason you send christmas cards anyway is to show off your perfect amazing successful life, and well, your shrink already knows how fucked up you are, so what's the point? and if you're a clepto, you just CAN'T give him a gift, cuz he'll KNOW. And if you're an drunk, then ditto on the nice wine/champagne option. Do you get him a nice box of guest soaps? but who ever visits a shrink? A mug? do they even DRINK coffee? A nice pair of socks for when he's visiting in-patients? And then if you do pick out a nice frame or tie, you then start to psycho-analyze YOURSELF "what will he think?" "does a box of soaps MEAN something" "will he open it and shake his head and say 'oh, she's worse than i thought' ?" It's all very confusing and I don't even want to ASK him because his answer would cost me like, at least $25 and that's the very amount I WAS going to spend on the shrink gift.

dilemna.

NEW YEAR resolutions....why start off the year failing?

How the hell are you supposed to start your resolution on New Year's day when there are SO MANY leftovers to be eaten and half full bottles of vodka to be consumed and all the New Years sales happenning? Seriously it's completely screwed up and backwards. If you're gonna have a resolution (IF) then make it a valentine's resolution....arbor day resolution...presidents day resolution...something that is just more CONVENIENT than this crazy "new year's resolution" nonsense.

holiday tips from dad

Here are some tips to consider when you are at those holiday parties:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going
to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It 's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great everything!!!!!!

the perfect holiday recipe...

this is what I have had for breakfast the past 5 mornings....

1/2 zoloft
1/2 speed
triple gingerbread latte.

Friends are amazed at my great disposition, family are awed by my pleasant demeanor...it's the perfect holiday breakfast cocktail.

you're welcome.

happy birthday to meeeeeee!!!

Well, another day, another year older. THIS year, I got, as an early present, a prescription for Zoloft. So, now with my zoloft/adderral cocktai, you can actually start calling me again and I will be LESS likely to yell at you. (though, no guarantees) SO bring on the birthday calls!!

When my shrink said, too matter of factly for my liking, that I was depressed, I started arguing with him, which he in turn said was a sign of depression (see blog about NOT ever dating a shrink) I was QUITE certain that my measure of whether I was depressed or not was quite scientific. You know that commercial where they voice over says "WHO does depression hurt?" and it shows various scenes of depressed people neglecting their kids or zoning out at work etc.....well they also show the sad forlorn dog sitting by the door pathetically holding a tennis ball in his mouth. just sitting there because his depressed owner is too depressed to play with him.

THAT used to be my depression check point, because I would say to myself "oh, well, I am NOT depressed because I do in fact, every single goddamn morning, play ball with my spoiled brat dogs" and then I look at said dogs, passed out on their designer dogs beds, exhausted from their morning ball playing and I say "you guys don't EVEN know how good you have it! You could ba like that sad dog with a depressed owner!"

But alas, that check point was wrong. when I drove away from the shrink's pad, I was so confused. I kept thinking "how did that happen to me? My dogs never sit by the door with a sad look holding their ball...I CAN'T BE DEPRESSED if I play ball with my dogs!!!" it just didn't compute.

then the light bulb went on. Here's the X factor i had not calculated....

MY dogs would NEVER just sit by the door with a ball in their mouth looking sad. It actually would never even occur to them. When they want to play ball, they stalk me around the house, each with a ball in their mouth. If I try to ignore them via depression, one drops the ball repeatedly on my lap, while the other shoves the ball in my face over and over. If I still try to ignore them in my depressive state one will drop the ball, stare at the ball and bark..., while the other climbs 80 lbs of fat yellow fur on my lap and hovers over my face mere centimeters away, breathing HARD with the ball in her mouth growling. My depression was masked you see, by obnoxious relentless labrador pursuit. Good think I had a shrink intervention!

anyhoo, back to MY BIRTHDAY. I'm off to vegas tonight to celebrate. Hopefully I'll catch a good .99 cent buffet. I like all things COACH and Pottery Barn. just in case anyone was wondering.

lonnnngggggg day.....

today was one of those long ass days where all you wanna do is come home and throw yourself on the couch and veg out to mindless tv like Next Top Model or people's court or something like that. But no, you throw yourself on the couch and your two cooped up dogs think this is a sign to wrestle and/or play ball. so even though I am completely ignoring them one is staring at me while dropping a wet ball on the couch and the other is pawing me with her fat paw, making what looks like heroin track marks on my arm. I don't even have the energy to swat them away, so like the single welfare mom that I resemble, I just go get the bag of treats and keep throwing them on the floor. Apple needs to make an ipod for dogs or something. where is technology when I need it?!

on modern psychiatry....

what I think is this....if you're a woman you should never fall in love with your shrink.

I've heard of it all the time, and I GET it...I mean there you are on the UGLY couch, pouring out all your evil dark shit, being all vulnerable, and this guy just looks at you with compassion, no judgement, no shock, and tells you that you are fine, you just need a few colorful pills, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You get to be completely self indulgent and a guy sits there, LISTENING, not interrupting, not watching football, just listening.

So OBVIOUSLY you would fall in love, even if he DOES have a semi-bald head, a combover, is short, and rather resembles freud.

But here would be the downside, if you think about it. He would ALWAYS win any arguement. you don't stand a chance. he will always ALWAYS pull out the soft voice and make you think YOU'RE crazy. And he will have lots of text books to back it up.

Also your kids will be screwed up. In the tradition of the "preacher's kids" who are always goth drug addict athiests, your kids will be serial killers or chess players or something weird and creepy like that.

These are the things I think of when I am paying $200 an hour and listening to him talk. And I also think, "every minute this costs $4. thats a mocha per minute. If I leave to go to the bathroom that's like 5 wasted mochas." So not only do I talk fast, I hold my pee too, try not to sneeze or cough, and I am NEVER never late.

when living in LA has perks...

I just got home from the WORLD movie premier of RUNNING WITH SCISSORS. I was in the presence of SO many stars I don't know where to begin.

So let's begin with the ones I physically touched...voluntarily or not (on their part) There was Joseph Phinnes (yes, you read that right greeps and riddle) (read on my friends, read on) and he is VERY cute in person, and way younger looking than you might imagine. And then there was my intense connection with annette benning and warren beatty. I didn't touch them per se, but we certainly connected as we stood back to back. And then there were the brush-by's with cheryl hines and jill clayburn and jacqueline bisset...just to name a few ole chums from the h'ood. Dave Navarro and I waited for our cars from the valet station and I think I handed a fork to kristin chenowith.

but the MAIN event, the highlight of my life, was meeting and shaking hands with Augusten burroughs himself. If you haven't read RUNNING WITH SCISSORS or DRY or MAGICAL THINKING...do it now! And then see the movie because it's really great and I would say more but I am so overwhelmed by my "peers" tonight I can't think straight. if I had more nights like that I wouldn't even need a shrink!

i'm sick.

it's friday nite. barely made it home. have fever. achey. barely can type. am starting to get chills.

this is a result of rescuing 2 baby kitties from the nasty ghetto druggy park down the street and said kitties were laced with nasty germs and fleas and crack dust and the asian bird flu.

anyways, snoop dogg is on "weeds" tonite. thank GOD for small favors.

little ipod on the prairie...

First there came the internet/cable combo package with the "movie" tier option.

(i stopped calling people in the evenings)

Then there was On Demand.

( i stopped calling going out in lieu of "catching up" on entire seasons of shows I otherwise would not have watched)

Then there was TiVo.

( I never left the house on weekends)

Then there were podcasts and ipod downloadable tv shows.

(patient could now leave the house armed with portable tv and make it to starbucks to watch missed shows. patient was able to function in outside world again and no longer sported bed sores from late nite Tivo watching)


NOW....they have made available FOR FREE missed tv shows that are now watchable online!!

(patient has retreated to bedroom with laptop and is now able to order meals on wheels while watching the CSI season premier from 3 weeks ago and answer emails all at once)


I feel overwhelmed. Having this much responsibility is too much for the modern woman. we can't just DO IT ALL. gone is the simplicity of the cleavers and the cunninghams who just had to turn the tv on and off. ahhhh...simple times. simple times.

happy yom kippur!!

well well, here comes Fall. And what I love most about autumn is watching nature's changes as we transition from regular lattes to pumpkin lattes, bundling up all cozy in longer shorts and transitioning from tank tops and flip flops to tee-shirts and leather slides...watching the fake plants at pottery barn shift from cherry blossoms to scarry halloween twigs...thank god for mother nature's ever changing ways.

And who ever knew that fall brings on lots and LOTS of jewish holidays? it's weird that I would move from NY to LA and learn MORE about the jews. The puzzling thing is that there are WAY more jews per capita in my neighborhood than good bagels. And to me, that is very very disturbing and puzzling. Why? I ask. LA just challenges me on every level.

Anyhoo, on more interesting news, I have 2 new BIG announcements.

1. I GOT CABLE!!!!!

2. I also got a new roommate.

SO let me tell you all the new exciting stuff....ANTM seems a little wacky this season...I mean CYCLE...the girls are very young and way way dumber than ever. Which is why I am so excited to watch. Mo-nique and Melrose are my fav's. I mean without them it would actually be boring. and then let's talk about tyra's hair. I just can't take her seriously this cycle. the short hair? when did jerry curl come back? I missed that in the Gap Skinny pant ad. And then there's "heroes" which I can tell is like the new x-files and will drive me crazy with anticipation for the next few years or so...

I can't even keep writing...there are too many shows and too little time....

oh yah, and my roommate's great too.

i am citizen, no?

I am in NYC right now. Haven't had time to post b/c computer has been tempermental and I have been spending all free time enjoying TOO much coffee, so I can't exactly think...or rather my thoughts race so fast I can't type. anyhoo, so I was on the subway today, standing, and the guy sitting next to me was studying what could only have been a citizenship test. It was half in russian or something, and then half in english. So I was reading the questions on the whole page, and I can honestly say that I did not know even ONE answer. not ONE. I would have WAY failed the citizenship test. There were trickster questions like
1.what job does congress do?
2.how many senators do we have?
3.what is the job of the supreme court?
4.who elects congress?
5.who makes the laws?
6.what is the house of representatives made of?
7.name 2 of your state's senators.

here were my quick answers...

1.mmm...i dunno
2.a lot? 12?
3.to make laws?
4.ummm, .......THE PRESIDENT! (i know THAT one!)(oops, not really)
5.The PRESIDENT!
6.umm, congress?
7.oh, uh, what's his name. that one guy.


***note to all my zealous DC friends and Jason....I don't NEED to know the answers, because I already know that every one of them was wrong, so as you're rolling your eyes in disbelief, calm those fingers down and DO NOT send me the correct answers. ignorance, is in fact, BLISS.

Here's the point, if stuff like that were relevant OR important, then it would be on TV. A LOT. and it isn't. DO I know how many judges are on AMERICAN Idol? YES! 3! I ain't no retard! I AM AN AMERICAN!!! How many channels on AMERICAN cable...300! how many seasons of AMERICA'S next top model....5! I am a true red/white and blue all the way. I LOVE apple pie.

So I really think the test needs to reflect current american values. oh and also, a quick thanks to my polish and mexican ancestors...god bless em, for passing that heinous test so I wouldn't have to! PHEEEEEE-eeeewww! My ass would be back across the border. Good thing they don't do random citizen testing. (see, we don't REALLY care about all that gov'mint stuff, or they WOULD do random citizen testing!)

ALL i'm saying is this...is it really fair to put the poor immigrants through unnecessary torture for useless outdated information. shouldn't they just be given a map of the mall, all starbucks locales and an US weekly? A dictionary for all idiomatic expressions like "it's allllll good" and "wassup?" and "totally lame" "grande latte" and stuff like that. I'm just saying.

no room for baby jesus...

I still don't have a roommate. I don't know what's wrong. I even had a guy from "queer eye for the straight guy" come look at it. he seemed perfect. Gay, makes good money, kinda famous...but as soon as he said "i LOVE the decor...my moroccan furniture will look GREAT in here" it was the beginning of the end.

there's NO ROOM for more stuff in here. A plasma TV, perhaps. but otherwise I have been very clear in my ads that it is FULLY furnished, and yet this is the third time someone has wanted to come in and re-decorate. It's such a quagmire (old english major rears it's ugly head) I want a gay roommate, except I want the kind of gay that does NOT want to decorate. That just isn't happenning.

ho hum. what's an LA girl to do? I am up to my ears in rent, therapy bills, mocha latte's, and Target is just way WAY too close to me. I am starting to "collect" cleaning products that are "cute" and "pretty" like their METHOD WOOD WIPES and LAVENDER LINEN SPRAY. LINEN.SPRAY. I don't even know what it's for, why anyone would spray linens, except the bottle was nice, and matched my laundry room rugs.

I need an intervention of some sort, I just don't think Betty Ford has wing for this.

Why I hate LA and other cliche's

It is so blase ( I am sure there's a way to accent that last -e- but I don't know how) to hate LA. Everyone Hates LA. I was always the one who said "well, I don't HATE it, it's okay. so now I have joined the masses. I can't find ANYTHING redeemable about it. And when I say that people here look all shocked and say "but the WEATHER! you must at least LOVE the weather!"
nope. hate it. miss the fall. miss wearing tights and jackets and cute furry boots. I wake up and it's just another sunny day. BOR-ING.

and then, there's the freaky people. I can't even post an ad on craigslist without attracting a serial killer who I then invite into my home, as a roommate nonetheless. Harvey. from vegas. mid-forties. an "actor" who works for "central casting" (that's where everyone goes to get put on the EXTRAS list) but he said that was his employer all the while staring at my crotch, asking me if me and my husband lived here while he twitched both his eyes every half second still looking at my crotch.

I deleted my craigslist ad for a roommate so now I am stuck with all the rent. AND I am sharing my perfect spanish pied-a-terre in the city with TERMITES too. I think this is outrageous, while my neighbors think I am being a spoiled diva. here's what peter the downstairs neighbor said "...well YAH, of course there are termites! everyone in LA has termites! you can't just rent a place in LA without termites! In fact, back when I was in college, a termite got into my cable box and just LIVED there forever. I think he just loved it because it was warm, and he could be alone and he would just munch on the particle board. Well, He lived in that box until I moved and turned it in. it was actually kinda cute."

(I am NOT taking poetic license here, this conversation, word for word, actually took place yesterday in my backyard)(if you don't believe me ask the termites. i am SURE they heard)

it got even better when peter went on to say "yah, last year I discovered that they had built a nest in the didning room, so I found their nest and just broke it down. that's just what you do."

Nest? dining room? break it down YOURSELF?!?!??!?!

I think there IS such thing as getting too much sunshine in your life. makes you delusional.

not even white trash...

I have fallen to an all time low. I am not even on the level of white trash because in order to BE white trash, truly and effectively, it is implied that you will have appliances collecting on your front porch. I, on the other hand have NO appliances to put on the porch. I am paying what most people would consider a double mortgage for my perfect 3 bedroom in hancock park, and i have NO fridge, NO a.c. and NO washer/dryer. I paid top dollar because i insisted that I have laundry hook-ups. I do in fact have the hook-ups. And a big empty place in the kitchen wall where sits 2 target ice coolers (that I fully intend on returning when I get my actual fridge) which I have to buy ice for AND drain every 3 days.

So when I went to Trader Joe's last night with my friend I had to just pass the dairy, the frozen goods, basically anything you would need. Her cart was full. I left with 2 bottles of water and a plastic box of fiber muffins. mmmmm. can't WAIT for dinner.

ANGRY MONDAY

I'm having what I would like to call an "ANGRY MONDAY" That's when EVERYTHING is pissing you off and not going your way. And it's monday, so on top of everything being "off" you have a million chores to do. THis is going to be an angry spoiled apathetic brat blog, so I'm just warning you. Because it's only 8:30 AM here in tinselfuck and my "NEW YORK" bagel is dry and stale and cost THREE DOLLARS!*** (Murray's Bagels in NY, one of THE BEST, is only $2.75 and they're THE BEST) and my carmel latte is bitter, too much ice and not enough carmel, and my internet connection is slower than dial up.

***the added bonus here was that I tried to "charm" the new bagel store guy up so that I would get a GOOD bagel and he said "you have a big personality. i bet when you walk into a place everyone notices you...(a pause)...well, when you dress nicer and put on make-up and stuff"

My new dog park that is across the street from Nordstrom's (and you would THINK would be pristine) is totally ghetto and nasty, with garbage and mud and bums everywhere. I don't mind the bums, but in LA you just have to watch out because these bums could be just bums OR they could be violent ex-gang bums from their hey-day in the 80's and early 90's riots who are all pent up, have had too much heroin residue, and are ready to unleash their fury on anyone who walks by. You just never know. SO all bums are potentiallty a threat. AND then this is called the PAN-AMERICAN park so there are about 80 percent OLD asians who are all terrified of dogs. PLUS there are a LOT of runners, who are the yuppie running type who are running with their business partners while discussing hedge funds. SO this so-called morning dog park is like a mine field for me. Oh and I almost forgot, the people who DO bring their dogs are also old and crazy or just crazy and they ALL want to talk to you because you are not 1.asian 2.running 3. a violent bum.

So after all this drama this morning all I wanted was a nice perfect coffee, and a nice perfect bagel while I surfed the net. Nature is clearly against me. ALSO the chores facing me today are the kind you avoid until you can avoid no longer. LIKE....setting up the cable appt, trying to figure out WHICH 9 hour block of day you have to staple yourself home and wait and wait and wait until the last 5 mins of the 9 hour block when they show up only to tell you that you need a special wire that they have to order so when would you like to re-schedule another hook-up appt?

...applying for a parking permit for the street and having to provide every legal document to prove that you do in fact live on that block so you can be ALLOWED a permit that costs $125 to park which you just KNOW will require you to change your address at the DMV which will be a WHOLE OTHER ANNOYING CHORE!!

... and last but certainly not least on my TODO list is the unavoidable (but I've SO been trying to avoid) trip to....to....HOME DEPOT. I don't even know where it is. I don't WANT to know where it is. It was bad ENOUGH last monday when I had to go to, gulp, SEARS, but this is SO. MUCH. WORSE. Why can't I just be a lesbian and have a nice butch lesbo girlfriend to do all this FOR ME? I am not geared for Home depot. I grew up in a single MOM household. we had handy men, gardners, people who did this stuff for us. And back then, if and when we did need say, a nail or hammer, we had a local hardware store, where you walked in, told them what you needed (a nail thingy for wood stuff) they KNEW what you needed, got it for you and wrapped it up so you never had to actually look at it or anything, and you certainly never needed to look for it yourself.

Best if you don't try to contact me today. oh and also, all the plants that my mom forbid me to take, but I took anyway cuz they are SUPER CUTE (potted orange and lemon trees...adorable! and potted ficus trees...super cute pots. and the pretty pink bouganvelia) are all dying because I just notcied that they haven't been watered since I moved. oops. I just figured my new gardeners would just KNOW that I don't DO that. SO on top of all these annoying chores I also have to WATER MY PLANTS!!!!

HE
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My new "hood"

I seem to constantly find myself where I don't technically belong, per se.

I lived in south pas. in the 70's when everyone was catholic, rich and a FAMILY, we were protestant and poor and latch key kids.
I lived in Utah when I was not at all a mormon or a hippie or a skier.
lived in harlem when I was clearly not a blaxican.
lived in pasadena where I was clearly not a married yuppie with 2 kids in private schools.
lived in stockton when i was clearly NOT white tra...okay. stockton kinda fit.

So yet again, I find myself out of my element. I tried to avoid this too. on THIS apartment hunt I kinda tried to avoid West Hollywood, because as my so so wise mother said "WHAT? WEST HOLLYWOOD? don't you EVER want to get married?! Are you just gonna hang out with the gays your whole life?!"

enough said.

SO. I moved to the sweetest neighborhood on the sweetest street in the best location...but I started to look around. It was ALMOST wisteria lane. almost. except for "syd's pharmacy" on the corner, "Brenco judaica bookstore" across from starbucks, and why is coffe bean closed on a saturday? i wondered. Oh and why is everyone wearing those funny big black hats?
oh.
I am in a hasidic Jewish neighborhood.

perfect.

NOW what will I do with my waving santa figurine? My christmas tree that lights up when you walk by? My stuffed snowman that sings "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas..." Will I get vandalized? Will my neighbors hate me? Why the big black hat? why? I saw fiddler on the roof, but they didn't wear the hat. And coffee bean closing on sat? I thought it was bad in utah when stuff was closed on sunday....but the big chains stayed neutral. You could alway go to Barnes and Noble say. or Nordstrom. But coffee bean? that's serious shit. (luckily Starbux has satyed true to the corporate heathen profit dollar and is open) And now I am going to have to be aware of all those weird holidays becasue I am SURE I will be so confused when my bank is closed on rosh hoshana (sp?) and all that other stuff I can't spell.

Oh well. I guess this too will make me well rounded. And my mom will just have to be disappointed yet again, i probably had a better change of finding a kinda straight guy in WEHO than ANYthing here!

ho hum...

This blog brought to you by "THE NEW DIET" infomercial.

I have found THE diet secret. Seriously. It's free, actually SAVES you money, AND I have lost about 20** lbs in 3 days! how? you ask. Wellll....here is it....

GET rid of your refrigerator AND cable just for a few days, 2 or 3 even. This limits you to foods that are sustainable only for a few hours, and or food that can live on a counter, like wheat bread and bananas. Now you may be saying to yourself, "yah, but kiki, I would just eat fast food, the perfect excuse for a McDonalds bender!"

ahhhh, you would be WRONG round eye, so so wrong. This is where the NO CABLE comes in. When there is nothing to watch on TV, and NO REASON to plop onto your couch, you become so depressed that even McDonalds is no longer appealling, cuz really, where are you gonna eat it? inside the actual McDonalds???? GOD NO! You haven't been INSIDE one of those since they had the big plastic Ronald and Hamburglar figurines all around. No, instead you will become sooo frustrated with life, and all the limitations no cable and no fridge put upon you that you will just sigh, grab a stupid protein bar and throw in the towel.

Now you think this is all of it....BUT WAIT! as an ADDED bonus, turn off your electricity too! Without that, there are no night munchies, cuz you can't see anything, and your days of watching nick at nite with a bag of oreos in bed are OVER! Then with nothing to do and nothing to see and no cell phone or computer (they have all lost power too) you have no choice but to get a good night's sleep. AND THEN when dawn breaks, you are UP because you are SO excited that there is LIGHT!! And since no one else is up, and you can't cook any breakfast, or surf the net, or call anyone, you just go out for a walk, given all other opportnities are now exhausted.

AND you just keep walking, cuz really, there's nothing to come home to anyway, so may as well.

SO you see folks, THIS is the foolproof diet we americans have been needing, and it costs you nothing AND your electric bill is nothing!!!

and I am proof cuz my pants all fit now, and it has only been 3 days!!***


**results a-typical

***as an added enhancement to this diet, and for faster weight loss, move out of your 3 bedroom overly furnished house to an upstairs apartment.

the prison yard

"hey hey pretty lady. why dont you come over here so we can get a good look at ya. are those space pants you wearin' cuz your ass looks OUTTA this world!"

you probably thought I was exaggerating...

bedroom gets GREAT sunlight!

what? me? dogs? Never!

MORE creative advertising...

"steps to the mall"= IF and only IF you're King Kong.

"Terraces at the grove..."= By "at" we mean that IF you rent the top unti on a sunny clear day and have 20/40 vision you may be able to catch a glimpse of "THE GROVE" sign.

"completely renovated!"=home depot had a "last chance" clearance sale so things don't MATCH per se, but still, they're new!

"luxury!"=if you were once homeless, and squatted in an adobe hut with a clay floor and no running water and couldn't see the light of day, then you will find a popcorn ceiling, plush shag carpeting, mirrored closets AND doors (pretty girl) and brass trim on EVERYTHING luxurious.

"ultra luxury"=bigger words equal bigger shiny things made of materials from the sixties that have been banned due to toxic shock.

"Courtyard"=couch and/or appliances on porch.

"laundry on premises!" ="now the laundry is right here in the buliding! Just 4 flights down these stairs, turn left, walk around the building, through the alley, and then down the basement stairs, then through the crawlspace, go right and then continue all the way under the building, then double back track through the boiler room, and then right behind the water heater and incinerator, you'll see TWO! washers and dryers! Don't forget your quarters!!"

"art deco"=you will PAY, oh yes you will.



I am still apartment hunting.
well, actually "hunting" would be a good word because that would mean you have a chance in hell of "catching" your prey.
but no.
not so in LA.
it's apartment stalking.

at this point my skills are getting so honed that I could be a P.I. Yesterday Starr and I went about our now daily trek
because I THOUGHT I had found my perfect apartment. I THOUGHT I was done. I just wanted her to see it to make sure that even though it wasn't THE BEST neighborhood, I wasn't crazy to pay $2,200 for it. See once you see soooo many laughable shitholes, you start to lose perspective...you get REAL excited at the mere sight of a real wood floor and running water, and are then willing to pay top dollar for it even if there ARE a few bums in your garage space, even if there ARE two "jewish retirement hotels" on either side of you, even if there ARE no stores with english writing on them in the neighborhood.

So she kinda turned her nose up at it, but we couldn't get inside because of course it's impossible to even get anyone LIVE to actually return your calls, so I tried to break in, and then I tried to break into the "manager's" apt because i KNEW she was home but wasn't answering her door. So all that failing, we decided to walk around the neighborhood, to see if I felt safe. I kept trying to justify everything to starr "see! look! there's a nice building way down there!" "see! look! a nail place where pedicures are only 10 bucks!!!!" "see! a market...or something..okay, a fruit market, but I mean, everyone needs fruit!" "see, how close we are to the grove? the neighborhood is BOUND to get better!" "see, I am surrounded by two retirement homes, yah one is a shelter, but old people are harmless..." I barely got those words outta my mouth when, and i am NOT kidding here, a gun shot went off. We both ducked. I looked at her and said "uhhh, what the fuck WAS that? was that....was that...a GUNSHOT????" She said "YAH! probably!"

We walked in silence. I said " are you sure? you really think that was a GUNHSOT?"

"YEEEEEES!" And then we heard all kinds of police sirens rolling towards us. so she continued "and those are probably the police coming to see who just got murdered."

There goes my "perfect" apartment. (I might still get it)

THIS is how my apartment hunt is going. and this is only ONE episode. Others include such highlights as....

...being invited in to a russian mafia lady's house (it was THE cutest apartment complex ever) and she was sitting in her wheelchair holding a cane, patted the couch and commanded "SIT." I sat. SHe looked me up and down. she looked starr up and down in silence, then turned to me "YOU HAVE PETS?" I choked out in a high pitch "me? noooooo. no pets. nope. none. never had a pet. not me." She squinted at me "NO CATS? NO DOGS?" I gulped. "nope. no pets. just me. heh. heh. just, um, me." I couldn't even look at starr. So she approved of us being able to LOOK at the apartment. Of course it was HEAVEN and a great (2,100) price. The perfect place. For someone with no pets that is.

...(on the phone)...yah, I am a yoga teacher, good income, VERY quiet. Pets? um, yah, I have A dogtwodogs.

...looking at the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse" as we walked through the main house, littered with trash and STUFF crammed everywhere. The hippie bi-racial couple was nice as could be, hemp and incence candles burning everywhere, to mask the smell of the TWO INDUSTRIAL WASTE bins and their no-door-garage that was literally cramed floor to ceiling with STUFF, which all happened to be on the walk to the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse." They showed me everything and when I said "sooooo, there's TWO bedrooms?" they walked me through the kitchen to where would be an entryway to a backdoor and he said "this is the second bedroom, well, it could be you know, an office, or a...a...guest room, you know, it could fit, a futon or something." He stopped then. even he knew he was lying. On the way out, past the Industrial waste bins that most people only have when they're renovating, but I suspect these guys use for storage, starr said 'PLEASE! you cannot live with those hippie packrats!"

...the toothless manager who "wasn't exactly the manager" (his words) saying "yah, these units is REAL NICE. they got them nice REAL PREGO (not a typo) floors!