Como se dice "I'm moving to Mexico"

I am sitting here in Mexico City, well in the airport anyway. But you know, the airport counts, now I will, in polite conversations with well travelled people's say "ooohhh yah! I LOVE Mexico City!!"

Here's Why I Love Mexico city airport. When we were waiting for our luggage, there were, HELPERS! Actual live people who were there to HELP us. Sure, they didn't speak english, but whatev's. THEN I went to get a cart, and it was a whole DOLLAR, and not only THAT but there was a guy there taking the dollar and putting it in the machine and getting your cart FOR YOU.

And at this one restaurant they BRING TO YOUR TABLE a little mini coat rack for your purses and jackets. TO YOUR TABLE. AND they also bring the credit card machine TO YOUR TABLE and do it all right there. WHY are WE not modernized like this? And we call THEM lazy mexicans! pfft! Dumbass americans. I mean, it's not rocket science to make things convenient, you know?

Also? Starbucks is sooo cute here, and they say stuff like "blahblahblahblahblahmexicantalkmexicantalk" and I just hand over my credit card and nod and smile. I cheated my way through 8th grade spanish. oops.


GREETINGS FROM DOWNTOWN MEXICO CITY airport WISH YOU WERE HERE!

Just a few things to make fun of....Because that's the depth of my character

I'm sorry, but If I saw anyone walking down the street in this...I would have to actually point and laugh. WHO would wear this? You also have to wear a harness with it so it'll attach...comfy. practical. I totally want to carry a harness and this bad boy around town, IN CASE IT RAINS.





Also? who would bike around in the rain and keep their HEAD dry while their, umm, SUIT gets soaked? Oh, just these pics make me giggle. I just HOPE that I get to see one in person someday.


The real horror? She probably picked this out because it was her BEST outfit. Like the NYC garden patio though.

After I write this, i'm gonna go train for that triathalon...

I just googled myself because I am bored and I was wondering what would come up. The GREAT thing is that the yoga stuff comes up, but also there is another person out in the world who is like my alternate universe person. She is a lawyer and a water polo and Triathalon champion! YAY ME! No one will even KNOW that it's not me. They'll be all "whoa! My yoga instructor is AMAZING!" I wonder if the other KK watches people's court too!?!? I MUST become her penpal!

Oh also, what randomly comes up is that I won first place is the Los Amigos Horse Show, and i just wanted you all to know that THAT one is ME. For real. I did win a first place blue ribbon. TWICE. Sure, I was the only entry, and the judges snickered when they gave it to me, cuz I didn't get ONE thing right. I think I've actually blogged about this before. Well, at least my early dementia will be accurately documented for the 'professionals' for their 'case study'

monday monday...

Oh. It's tuesday. Is it old age that makes me get the days mixed up? or just my sloth like lifestyle where one tv show flows into the next, until I don't even know the days unless it's "IDOL NIGHT" or "TOP CHEF NIGHT" I better make some summer plans pronto because once reruns start I won't know which MONTH it is!

ho hummm. I guess I should be packing for Mexico, but that would be, what's the word? I think it's french or, or, latin?

oh, ORGANIZED.

I better spell check that since I don't think I've ever even written it before. It's up there with other foreign language words like "energetic" and "responsible" and "friendly" and "productive"

THIS one is called "stereotypes" hahahaha! I thought it was hilarious. no?

World's Most Boring Movie Ever.

This is what passes for entertainment in my house.

You think this is bad? wait 'till you see what passes for 'politics' around here.

Maybe we'll see you at Sundance '09?

ps. Maggie is PISSED that she didn't get the starring, or even CO-starring role. (NOBODY PUTS MAGGIE IN THE CORNER! NOBODY!) She won't say it in public, but she was an extra. Just an extra.

pps. Wonder what I do all day between my clients in the morning, and my one class at night? Aside from Tivo-ing People's Court? Take this movie, times about a thousand. That's what I do.

ppps. I will NEVER tell how long this "movie" took me to make. Never.

Find a penny pick it up, and all the day you'll have...good stamp

You Are a Brownie Cheesecake

A little chunky and a little gooey, you pretty much run on sugar! You take hedonism to the extreme.. And people love you for it.

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

Chunky? how rude!

(HA! Dede...we're the same! But, of COURSE we are! too funny. Did you answer the question that said "what do you do at parties?" with "hover by the by the food table." I did! )

Cheesecake aside (mmmm....cheeeesecake) (lunch anyone?) (oh, and my favorite is cheesecake factory, either the snickers, or the turtle, or the peanut butter cookie dough, or or or....) ahem...

what was I saying? oh yah, is anyone else OUTRAGED that the post office RAISED the price of stamps AGAIN by....

drum roll please...

ONE PENNY.

yep. I had to go buy 100 ONE CENT STAMPS today, because LAST WEEK I bought a roll of 100 stamps at costco. (they never mentioned the price hike that was to take place in the next 2 days. Thanks Costco! for pawning off your OLD stamps on me!...which are only 25 cents cheaper....FOR THE WHOLE 100!)

I almost fell over when I went to send in all my bills and the little asian postal employee shoved my bills back at me and said,not very kindly either, "would you like to buy ONE CENT stamp?" And I was all "nooooo, why would I want to do THAT? Do you guys even MAKE one cent stamps? is that like some new promotion to 'save the penny' or something?" and he yelled through his bullet proof glass(really loud for a little asian guy if you ask me) (well, come to think of it I HAVE heard the cooks scream quite loudly behind the steam tables at Panda Express) "YOU CANNOT SEND LETTER WITHOUT ONE CENT STAMP. THESE OLD STAMP. YOU NEED TO ADD NEW ONE CENT STAMP!!!"

He actually scared me a little, so I was a little startled and not in my regular fighter mode and I was like "umm, I guess. I uhh....ummmm....I mean, I j j j JUST bought these stamps, like a whole hundred of em a few days ago...are you sure....

"WHERE YOU GET THESE STAMP?!?! (I think he even spit on them he was SO disgusted with my old stamps) THESE STAMP NOT FROM HERE! THESE OLD STAMP. WE HAVE NEW STAMP! (yahhhh...i got that part dude)

And then I was all "but i just bought..."

"HOW MANY OLD STAMP YOU BUY?" YOU BUY ONE HUNDRED OLD STAMP?! I DON'T KNOW WHO SELL YOU OLD STAMP, BUT NOW YOU NEED NEW ONE CENT STAMP! HOW MANY?!"


okee dokee.


"ummm, I guess I'll need like, umm, (I was trying to calculate how many I had already used, you know, from YESTERDAY) maybe, ummm, like, 95?

"OKAY! NINETY FIVE ONE CENT STAMP!"
( he said this like I had just won an auction)

As he was ringing me up for the stamps and my other packages,and I started recovering from his "postal" behavior (HA! HA! 'postal' HA!) I began to get back to my real pissy self-righteous, consumer minded self. I mean BUYING one cent stamps? is RIDICULOUS! And because there was a world of bullet proof glass between the two of us, I said, "hey. I bet it costs more to print those one cent stamps than it
does to have to buy them. Seems like an awful lot of waste to me. Just sayin' "

I scampered away before he started yelling at me again.

Scampered away and LEFT MY 95 ONE CENT STAMP...S!

yoga burnout...

Wow...this is the THIRD one in a row having to do with yoga. Sure, that's all I do because I have no life, dogs and yoga, yoga and dogs. oh, and TV. loooootttttsssss of TV.

HOWEVER it can't go unwritten that last night, for about the fifth time in my "career" some assclown came in wearing his 'jack trippers' (shorty shorts) WITH NO LINING! That would mean, that when I walked behind him while he was in down-dog, with one leg up in the air, I got a FULL Playgirl shot, and I was NOT expecting it. I almost screamed and ran away. There is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING nastier than a sweaty upside down view of a dude's cobblers hangin out. NOTHING! I stayed on the other side of the room the rest of the time. I swear, I am scarred for life when this stuff happens. It's like that image gets seared into my brain and will pop up while I'm innocently driving, or or, trying to meditate...good thing I never do that...or just whenever! THIS? is why I don't watch horror movies. I just wanted to be all "put that thing away old man!"

AT the beginning of class too, one of my regulars who always acts like he's one of the 'group' and always sits in the front row, with the "cool kids," if you will, only he isn't. he's weird. creeps me out just a little and I can't explain why. So I sit down waiting for class to begin, and he says "I can TELL you're feeling better" and I go "uh, yep, I do feel better. My cough is finally mellowing out" and he was all "no, I mean I can tell you're FEELING better. Like, you're BACK. Energetically. I can TELL. Your energy is BACK!" and then I was all "no. I just had coffee. My ENERGY is still crusty"

WTF? You don't KNOW ME! And don't act like you're all Madame Mystery and you can READ my energy. Cuz if you COULD you'd know how much you creep me out!!

Seriously, I may need to switch careers. I love teaching yoga but I am getting SO SICK of people. People and their wallywackers hangin' out and their 'energy' and their 'patchouli'

I was so annoyed that I went home, and the next thing I know I've taken down a cookie the size of my head.

Stupid yoga people. It's a good thing Drew Barrymore sometimes comes to class, (and yes, i will mention her name continuously, until you want to puke) She is my mantra for when I want to punch these people in their energetic faces.

yoga stripper

I have a client who lives in a fancy schmancy high rise condo building in Westwood. He's like in his late 60's at best, and he is super nice and French. And his wife is British and The cutest thing in the whole world. I need to get pics of them but I don't know how to do that just yet. After a super challenging yoga session, she pops up, takes a deep breath and says "oh...THAT was just LOVELY! I feel SPLENDID!"

Anyway, Their building has a front desk person that you have to check in with each time. Well, there's this new guy. He's a SLICK Brotha. You can tell he wants to be an actor. He wears his slick pinstripe Men's Warehouse suit, red tie, and shiny black shoes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Same coat, same tie, same slicked back hair. He's extra chatty, which you all know i JUST LOVE. Waiting for his big break when a PRODUCER walks into the building. He acts like this condo building is the Ritz Carlton. And now, after seeing him for 3 or 4 times, He is acting EXTRA friendly. Sure, it could be my big badonka donk trunk, which the brothas love. But what I suspect is that he is noticing that I am there for one hour every morning, and he thinks I am some sort of low rent stripper or whore. Because this morning as he walked me to the elevator he said "It's a FINE FINE day, have fun with the mister!" wink wink. I didn't get it at first. Then as I walked out, he says "All done? Have a FINE FINE DAY!" and gave me a look that said "I get it. we in this togetha sista"

Oh brother. the THINGS I have to deal with. I hope this guy finds a new job soon.

just a little chuckle...

I *heart* yoga

This total high maintenance hippie yoga idiot came into my class this morning. I just KNEW she'd be trouble. ( Ummm, a quilted crushed velvet floor length skirt? No.) The more "hippie'd" out and "yoga" looking they are, the worse it's gonna be. Plus, from the front of the room, I could SMELL her patchouli oil and sage smoke. Also, come ON...if you're gonna sport the whole "i'm a hippie" thing you can't, you just CAN'T belong to a gym that costs $175 per month.

So she lays down her hemp woven yoga mat and sets her ankle bracelet-ed and toe-ringed feet onto her mat, and begins to meditate. That was her FIRST faux-pas. we do NOT MEDITATE in my class. pfft! who does she think I am? The Dalai Lama?

Then we start class and we begin with Plank pose, which is basically a push-up position, and she immediately comes out of it and just sits there. I figure she has some shoulder injury or an old acid flashback. I walk over to her and just say "do you have an injury?" and she gets all doe-eyed and says "um, well, yes. sort of. I have this knee injury,kind of, but it's PERSONAL."

Uh, What?

Now, if you have scabies, or a hammer toe, a mental disorder, a lazy eye, or... or... a missing testicle, I DO NOT expect you divulge that information because THAT is personal. But leave it to hippie skirt to be all dramatic and mysterious about HER KNEE INJURY. Her KNEE INJURY while she was in PLANK pose, a pose that does not use the knees.

I let her be. plus I couldn't smell her anymore. I was getting dizzy and high off her fumes. She then proceeded to do every other pose that involved knees, even the super hard stuff. hmpphh. Knee Injury my ass. Then whenever she would do a pose, she forgot she was in a corporate owned yoga class, and in a true 'shroom style flashback, thought she was at the improv on interperative dance night.

My regular students started inching their mats away. I've trained them well. (mine is a style of love and acceptance, IF you don't smell and act weird)

Then after class she hovers over me and I can tell she wants to talk. I dread these moments as a teacher. I don't want to TALK to anyone after class. I want to just get my ipod/phone, check my email, and be outta there as fast as possible. (unless you're hot) (or, drew Barrymore)

HER: HI! I was just wondering, my low back has been hurting me a lot, and you said if your low back hurts not to bend forward a lot. Soooooo. you know. is that true?

ME: (curt) uh huh.

HER: yahhhhh, I mean the weird thing IS that I HAVE been bending forward to stretch my back and it's been getting so.much.worse!

ME: (patience. practice patience here. If I don't answer her concisely she will never leave) Well, yah, I'm not a doctor and I have no idea why your back is hurting, but generally speaking for low back pain, bending forward is not the best. (smile, dismissive nod)

HER: WOW! I would have never realized that because my back has been hurting so I guess it was the forward bending! Wow.


wow!


soooo. Wow.


ME: yah, so just maybe lay off the double final clearance section at Anthropologie forward bending and see if it helps! (cheerful, hopeful, yet dismissive)

HER: soooo wow! okay! then, so what SHOULD I DO? like, if I'm not bending forward, (as she says this, she demonstrates the forward bend) then what stretches should I do?


ME: (how do I get RID of her?) Umm, you know, some easy back bending would help, like bridge pose.

HER: sooooo WOW! I could just go back! (she giggles, don't know why and then she demonstrates a backbend) like just lean back like this?! (then she contorts herself into something that may break her actual spine)

ME: umm, sure yah, whatever makes it feel better! (one foot out the door...almost there...)

HER: COOL! wow! (still contorting herself backwards) so If I just do less forward bending, (bends forward again) then it should be better! Thanks...I'll try that and see...


ME: (I cut her off) You're WELCOME! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! Oh, and take care of that hallucinogenic drug problem knee injury!

Oh Thank Heaven, for 7-Eleven!

Guess who came to MY class again?

hmmmm...


wait for it....



wait for it.....


Okay, it was Drew. AND she actually followed me in the parking lot, RAN to catch up to me, AND said "oh my GOD I'm SO glad you're here! I came on tuesday and it was someone else!"

I wonder if this is what Mother Teresa felt when she won the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not here to brag, I myself am BARELY able to keep my shit together and act normal when she is standing about 2 feet away from me.

THE PROBLEM is that when she came to class the FIRST day, I pulled out all my best moves/sayings. It was like my greatest hits yoga album. And I only have ONE. SO I was scrambling for NEW profound things to say and then I heard myself quoting Cesar Millan and knew I had then crossed the boundaries from "best yoga teacher in my life" to "this chick is a total nut job" So then I just made the class SUPER hard so she'd forget what a dumbass I had been.

Totally other note, I seriously need to lose weight. NOW. I think I may have just crossed over from linebacker status to being able to play John Travolta's role in Hairspray

It's not my fault though. I have been sick for like 4 months. and sick=no work outs+comfort foods=15 more pounds or so. I don't wanna know what the "or so" is just yet. PLUS I never go to NY one month apart. Usually it's like 10 days every 5 months, and when I am in NY I HAVE to go to all my favorite NY food spots that don't exist in LA all in one week. Like...

Cupcakes, bagels (every morning) (just the bagels) (except for when sometimes it's the cupcakes too) Pizza slices, lasagna AND fettucini, hot dogs, chinese dumplings from "the dumpling guy", gelato that is SO good I always get THREE scoops. (in my defense here, it's three flavors that HAVE to go together, so if they made like, ONE flavor that incorporated all three, I would just get one scoop) (riiiightt) and vietnamese bun Xao noodles (I can't even begin to describe these they are SO GOOD!)

And that's just the FIRST 3 days....then I repeat...

SO going to NY that close together was problematic.

PLUS when I ran into 7-eleven tonight to see if they had NY-quil I Tripped over a package of Hostess ZINGERS! There they were, just RIGHT in the middle of the aisle. weird, huh!? I thought they didn't even MAKE those anymore!! SO of course they practically THREW themselves into my arms. And now I'm in fear that every single time I drive by a 7-eleven it's going to be a battle. I used to have 7-eleven issues when they first came out with their version of taquitos (YUMMMMM) I literally would drive to new Jersey on my way to target and I would PLAN on driving by just to get those damn taquitos. And before THAT it was corn nuts. CORN NUTS! I swear, 7-11 is the store for foods that never die.

ah well, it could be worse. i could be going in there to buy me a 40 ouncer of michelob. I mean. that's WORSE, right?

hey dad...Take a look at your future. Like in a few weeks.

Thanks Dede! I was CRACKING UP!!

I am 448 months old!!!

I decided to take a last minute trip to NYC and you know, I thought since I was already sick, that HEY! I'll get on a plane and it'll ALL FLY AWAY.

Wrong.

Aside from the fact that I probably infected the entire row 7, A through C, I also decided that WITH a bad cough, I would teach a yoga workshop here. Because TALKING for 2 hours in a row is a GREAT idea when you have asthmatic bronchial death flu.

BUT the upside? is that because I was taking SO much advil & mucinex (seriously a GREAT product, albeit a bit spendy) and Advair (a steroid inhaler for asthmatics and/or 90 yr old chronic smokers) that when I went to get my na na waxed, it didn't even hurt! woooohoooo!

Also, what I love about New York, and it never disappoints, is the way people are with their dogs or kids. Like for instance, at the bagel store this morning, this dad had a screaming child that he was trying to drag out, and someone was all "ohhhhh, what a cutie....how old are YOU?" and the dad says "twenty five months!"

Okay, for starters, after 23 months, YOU CAN'T SAY YOUR CHILD'S AGE IN MONTHS. It's just really annoying, because you are FORCING people to do math. When a child turns TWO, it is TWO....and until the child is 2 and a HALF can you say ANYTHING else about their two-ness. After TWO, you may only state full years or half years for your child. Now, once the kid is 5 and can speak for itself, THE KID can then answer cute stuff like "I'm five and three quarters" but NOT THE PARENT.

Also, 25 months? really? When does the little precious turn 26 months? does a stranger REALLY care how many MONTHS your kid is? It's like if you have a baby, or a puppy, you can be all "he's 12 weeks old" and after that, there are no more "weeks." You have passed the acceptable time for weeks, so there is no "he's 13 weeks old." Because all of this presumes that WE CARE.

I dunno, it just seemed, ummmm, what's the word....OBNOXIOUS.

And that's the news for today folks!

PS. My precious Mick is 9 months old today!

whiner

Of course I woke up with a BAD sore throat....AGAIN. And the chills. waaahaaa. Isn't this THE MOST boring post ever? Okay, but here's this...



Did I ever mention that two weeks ago Drew Barrymore came to my yoga class, and said, and I quote "that was THE BEST class of my entire life?" Yep. Just you all wait until I appear in US weekly as yoga teacher to the stars! THEN my life will be complete. And THEN I can write about cool stuff and not have to post endless gratuitous pictures of my pets.

I have a headache too.

I'm gonna go back to bed now.

saturday night feva...

It has been SO hot here this weekend. I don't do well in heat. anything over 80 makes me cranky (okay, cranki-ER)...90 makes me insane, over 100? don't call me.

First off, when it's crazy hot in the morning, I feel ANGRY that I don't want coffee. Because I WANT coffee, but then it's too hot! I won't drink Iced in the AM so then I am just angry all day over this injustice.

Last night it was so hot that I couldn't be in any part of the house except my bedroom (only place there's an AC) so I finished reading THIS BOOK and it made me cry about 5 times. Then with nothing else to do I decided I needed to take charge of my life so I went to match.com. (I'm feeling a little pressure here because my YOUNGEST BROTHER has decided to get married. such a betrayal! and my dad kindky referred to me as 'the spinster sister)

Now, I didn't sign up or anything, but I did fill out compatibility stuff. I must say it was kinda confusing. and lame. I mean, you had to check certain categories, like under "what interests you?" they had "shopping/antiques" all in one. I didn't know if I should check it. I mean LOVE shopping, HATE HATE HATE antiques. I mean what the hell? how did those TWO VERY SEPARATE THINGS end up as ONE category? That's like "shopping/power tools" Shopping is shopping....there is no /slash!

THIS is what I got matched with. slim pickins.

CARbuffFRANK



OLD_TIMEY_FELLOW


I think Old_Timey_fellow needs a little snuggle.

dbeezkneez


And dBeezKneez? well, I just can't. I'm sorry, but thinking of a MAN who gives HIMSELF those names? I can only cringe at what our children's names would be, I can only GUESS that he's sitting at his desk AT HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE, where he LIVES, Aksing her help him with his profile.

The depressing thing about the whole compatibility match is that it makes me feel insecure... because what part of my questionnaire MATCHED ME WITH CARBUFFFRANK!?!?!?

I went through all the guys, got frustrated and then searched THIS website...MUCH less depressing, and I matched with at least TWENTY of em!

I mean, come on! how cute is arthur?!?!

When Shopping is NO fun...

I don't know why this is, but spending vast sums of money on necessities REALLY BUGS me. I went to the grove today, and normally for me, the grove is like a trip to disneyland to a 4 year old. But today, I had to get stuff like underwear (not the fun frilly kind) and tee-shirts and running shoes (THOSE were actually fun to buy) and socks. Bleckkk. And it was SO EXPENSIVE to get those stupid basics. It made me depressed.

SO depressed that I needed a few treats.

Like THIS


and THIS


and THIS

anyhoo, now I just have to lose enough weight to look good in all of it (except that bag...bags looks GREAT on me!!)

sigh. I guess this will all go well with those webkinz I also bought. I suppose for me, this week would be called a "binge" of sorts. But hey! at least I have new socks!

Jesus is turning over in his, er, bed.

I will be SERIOUSLY PISSED if whoever created THIS ends up on Oprah's couch because he/she made millions off their cute little "idea" while being stoned one night in college and WHO KNEW? it would be SUCH A HUGE SUCCESS?!?!?

But, God Bless the poor souls who actually buy any of it.

Besides, who needs to BUY a spot in Hell when we already have Ebay right here on earth?

Also, Why is Heaven always described as having "PEARLY GATES" because if I am going to go to any effort of being "good" on this earth, I want a sparkly diamond gate, with a lit nordstrom sign above it and a blinking light that says "FREE SHOES and CUPCAKES"

THIS is what mick does during the day. It's also what he does at 5:30 am to wake me up...ON MY BODY

web kinz binge

It's official. I am LAME.

I spent the greater part of the day bidding on and winning webkinz. Never heard of em? me either. Until My niece told me that's what she wanted for her birthday. So I bought some on amazon a month ago. And then Yesterday she was telling me about " Lil Kinz"....a mini version.



So, Curiosity got the best of me and I just went to SEE on ebay what Lil kinz looked like. The I saw how "cheap" they were, and I was all "I'll bid on a couple, for Annie, for like, christmas or 4th of july or something"

It is now 10pm Pacific standard time. $200 and 23 Webkinz "won" later. And 5 more in bid status.

I don't know what mental disorder this is, but I am SURE it came from my mother.

My Beautiful Mommy, part deux...

I wrote that last blog yesterday WAY too fast....I had MUCH more to say, but i was running to work, yet I still had to post. So, for those of you who thought it MIGHT be a joke...here are some of the press things...

"My Beautiful Mommy" (Big Tent Books), out this Mother's Day. It features a perky mother explaining to her child why she's having cosmetic surgery (a nose job and tummy tuck). Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up "even more" beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

The reassuring tale helped win Acosta over—she scheduled breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. Since February, when she had the surgery, she and Junior have read the book a half dozen times, and she says it helped him feel excited rather than scared. "I didn't want him to think [the surgery] was because I was hurting. It was to make me feel good," she says.

It's basically Jaw Dropping.

When I used to teach at the white trash preschool we only got books that were donated, so of course we had THE LAMEST titles. Seriously, we had "why daddy doesn't live here anymore" and "where did grandpa go?"
(that one was uplifting!) So I can only imagine that this one will arrive there in a matter of weeks, when not a single one gets sold in North Dakota.

THis Is a FUNNY article....that has some other book options that made me giggle!

Okay, that's enough. Other topic...Yesterday some high and mighty Pious Prius owner said "oh, how about THOSE LEXUS HYBRIDS? HA. That's like the hybrid for people who just want to SAY they have a hybrid!"

ahem.

SO? So what? So what if I DO want to just say I have a hybrid?

motivation to get MY books published...

I wish this were a JOKE book, a satire, like something Jay Leno would make up. But it's NOT! This is a book for kids, to explain why their mommies leave for a few days, and then come back with scary clown lips and boobs the size of melons. SERIOUSLY. This book makes me want to move to the woods and raise my children home-schooled and live off the land.

well, almost. But you get the picture.

It's amazing to me that this got published. I guess I should switch from my cute yoga book to "when mommy has an adam's apple...and other tales from tranny mom's around the globe!" Is THIS really what we get after Harry Potter?

those crazy japanese....first Hello Kitty, now this!

wee me

Now, I spent A LOT of time designing my cartoon self. I guess this is the very thing oprah would call "wasting time"

but she's cute, no?



And so I then decided to make a wee boyfriend too. his name is Jean Marc De Lessep and he's from Paris and likes Maggie best. We get starbucks together every morning and he brings me flowers DAILY. He wears SUPER cute jeans, but is totally NOT gay, just european. he wears Armani suits to work. We split our time between paris and New York.


now YOU can try it too!

Stay posted for our wee baby announcement.

oh and, Ben & Jerry just released cake batter ice cream with chocolate frosting swirl. just so you know.

horror story

"when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party"

On oprah today she challenged 2 families to go ONE WEEK without computers, ipods, cell phones AND TV!! I made SURE to tivo it!! It was like worse than watching freddy kruger. I sat there all "ummm, NEVER" but then there was that little voice, that voice that I have shoved far far in the back of my brain, that said "you should do it. just one week." and then the normal part of my brain was all "NOOOO...just WATCH Oprah....don't EMULATE! IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE" And then i got all judgemental and was all "oh YAH oprah! you're REALLY one to talk!"

I don't know if I could DO that. I mean, when I go to yoga retreats, I do that, but at home? uh-uh. I mean I would go CRAZY. My dogs would sue me on Judge Judy for creating a hostile work environment, Oh, and also? they weren't allowed to do ANY shopping. not even starbucks or grocery. I broke out in a nervous sweat.

The problem is...now I feel challenged. Like I HAVE to do it. just out of pure curiosity. The mere THOUGHT of actually doing it is like the THOUGHT of starting a diet....like my brain goes to auto-reply "sure. you can DO IT....tomorrow. or next week" and then "noooo, next week is the premier of LOST, so summer! summer's good...reruns."

I need to stop all this crazy talk. Stupid oprah, who by the way was wearing Louboutins on the show she was talking about "america's excessive spending" just an observation.

My college life...

awwwwww....

I wonder if I could trade Mick and Maggie in for one of these Are they cute or what? I have ALWAYS had a propensity for furry little creatures. I had hamsters from the age of 12 to like, 22! I'd probably STILL have them if it were socially acceptable. but YAY! not only are the mini hedgehog's acceptable...but stylish too! I don't know how I went from hand held furry animals to destructive giant ones, musta been that period when I wasn't on medication. If only my animals would run on a wheel for 8 miles!
if only.

My dad also sent me this this morning....it's really cool. And also just goes to show that my "talent" for wasting away my life on the internet is CLEARLY inherited.

tuesdays are the new mondays

This is what I felt like this morning after eating half a frozen pizza last night from the Ralph's sale.



this is what my hair looked like this morning. I need a haircut.



I got these from this cute website. Which one are YOU today?!

I was GOING to do my taxes today....

FINALLY a piece of clothing Maggie would LOVE. I thought I made stupid stuff when I'm bored. Wow. Wonder if she just couldn't get to a Robert's Craft store?

sunday in the heat...

it is so insanely hot for april...99 degrees! So I am holed up inside and just watched a LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE.

Yah. it's THAT bad.

BUT in my defense..it starred Dermott Mulrooney!!!! and Gretchen Mol....two of my favorites. SO I was all "it can't be THAT bad"...and also it was a movie about a book i always wanted to read, THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER.

IT.WAS.SO.GOOD.

I mean, it's a lifetime movie, which equals huge budget cuts and some people smoking pot on the job, hence the brand new front loading washer/dryer in a home...in 1982.

But I just finished it and I was BAWLING at the end. And it wasn't even about dogs.

So, set your tivo cuz it's GOOD. I'm still crying.

Saturday Morning in My House....

What's missing from this picture? Me on the other side of the couch with my mug of coffee watching Beverly Hills 90210 on the SOAP network.

just a few noteworthy things...

FIrst off, yesterday, my friend decided on her blog (go to her blog and read my entry, truly THE BEST) to challenge her readers to find words with the ending "MENT" in them. Well, stuff like THAT make me crazy obsessive/competitive. (I always got A's in english class)(except in college) That's why I write children's books...I am ALWAYS rhyming stupid things. So ALLLLLL day, I was thinking of MORE words that had "MENT" at the end. Everything I read, I looked for MENT. It was exhausting!

Second, wayyyyyy back in the 70's haagen dazs used to have a flavor called HONEY VANILLA....it was SOOOOO good. and then it just went away. Well, it's BACK!!! It's called honey bee vanilla...but it's the same. YAY!

Also, if you have a RALPH'S grocery store near you, then GO...they are having a CRAZY good sale! If you buy 10 sale items, ANY 10 sale items, you get $5 off your bill, right then and there. and you can get up 30 sale items in one go. So let me break this down for you. Let's SAY you buy goldfish crackers, and they are on sale for $1 each, so if you buy 10, you get $5 off! which makes them .50 cents!! ( I REALLLY wish I remotely liked those, cuz I almost just wanted to buy them for guests with kids, or something)(also you can mix and match the items! brilliant!)

I got 10 cake mixes for .50 each!! and they were betty crocker! (for, you know, all those times I make cakes) and I got 10 mini haagen dazs ice creams for .50 each!! (so what if they weren't the good flavors...they'll go well with all my cakes!)

I gotta say, they are SMART. I went in for toilet paper, and ONLY toilet paper....$65 later, I walked out with BAGS of stuff I would NEVER need and normally never buy. but it WAS SO CHEAP!!

oh yah, and cottonelle TP was $1 and kraft mac n cheese was .60 cents! I don't even EAT mac n cheese anymore....but I did tonight!

I can't believe I just wrote 4 paragraphs about Ralph's groceries. at any rate...you should go. Oh, and if you need any goldfish crackers? I will TOTALLY buy them for you!

I'll have to explain all this to jake-the-trainer when I have gained 10 lbs next week.

ALSO I lost 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks from having that deadly bird flu thing that I got from the mean streets of NY. But WHATEVER! yay sickness diet!

Also, AUGUST RUSH is like, the BEST MOVIE EVER. I even bought the soundtrack it was so good.

ALSO, My new car is a "hybrid" That is in quotes, because I'm not sure WHAT KIND of hybrid it is, like gas and....gas? I get about 4 miles more per gallon than my last car. hmmph. Boy, I'm really uh, reducing my carbon footprint there. GO GREEN!...ish. My justification for spending $14,000 MORE for the hybrid versus the regular version was ALL THE MONEY I would save on GAS! Well, good thing ralph's had that sale, cuz that's all I'm gonna be saving this year. I'm gonna have to LIVE on mac n cheese and cake mix....hmmmm.....not SUCH a bad thing.

I think that's all. Hope you don't spend YOUR day obsessing about MENT endings.

Not the boy in the bubble.

I can't believe THIS made news. Not just News, but an actual protest. This is all over a guy, who wants to make the world's biggest bubble...surrounding....AN ELEPHANT.

First of all....BOR-ING. But what's even lamer is that there is a bubble "festival" at the science center. Bubble.festival.at.the.science.center.

WHY SCIENCE? I mean, are there REALLY not enough fascinating discoveries to exhibit?

But seriously, ELEPHANTS ARE SO CUTE! I want one! I would bring it home and call it Clarence Percival. Maggie would be unhappy if I loved my elephant more than her. Her official name is Magnolia Jane Butter. She's actually total yellow-trash. She came from a backwoods breeder in Missouri and her mom's name was "QUEEN PRINCESS CORN POP" But I spruced her up, taught her manners and etiquette, until she became the prettiest most popular girl in the dog park. We don't discuss her "roots" But she'll be ready for pageants soon. very soon.

These are pictures of Mick from this morning Playing with his Teddy bear, all by himself because Maggie and I were ignoring him. I just couldn't resist because he was rolling around, tossing it up in the air on his back, catching it in his mouth, for a good 10 minutes or more. then he was just rolling on his back with the bear in his mouth, then he just fell asleep, on his back, middle of the floor, bear in mouth. I know it doesn't sound amazingly cute. but it was!

href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfIref6nsKDuSrhR9RHPyUhHDVflNmgdgxsDTiQdbhffQJDG94D5ZZWrsXKuPhrDKAraVdf5PljzUMaKEOOqYq5MksoeYQXqphc6zCppTrAGf-mwDDPiDqx78IjL5MuAc3BgtB/s1600-h/IMG_2839.JPG">

sorry to all my fans...

I just wanted to apologize to all my fans and readers (dede) (and dad) for not blogging lately. I have been...

a. sick

b. overwhelmed with not knowing how to actually operate my new car (which was REALLY embarrassing yesterday when I was driving with my friend, showing off all the electronic stuff and she said "it's hot in here...do you even know how to turn on the air?" and I was all "YAH! duh! of course I do!" a pause. more pausing. "it's just SO nice out....let's just roll down the windows!"

c. I have had  3 issues of US weekly to get through from when I was in NY and wasn't here to get my new delivered subscriptions!!

d. Part of why I spent the greater portion of what could have been the adoption fees for a chinese baby, on a CAR, is that WITH purchase of your new shiny car, comes the Lexus waitng room where they have brand new hammacher schlemmer massage chairs, every single daily paper, WiFi, a cappuccino machine WITH flavors like chocolate and vanilla, every single magazine on a spinning rack, for your convenience, a popcorn machine like in the movies popping fresh buttery popcorn ALL.DAY.LONG, a soda machine, a plate of fresh muffins and pastries, a fridge filled with bottled water...all for FREE. (with purchase) I'm basically considering getting a condo next door. In fact, while I was waiting there for the financing to go through, I was calculating all the money I would save on coffees and stuff just by coming here every week. I was mentally going over all the friends I would invite down on saturday mornings, etc.  I have been there A LOT.

e. I've been trying to get Mick into a routine so he doesn't drive me insane. it hasn't worked.  So normally when I would be blogging, I have been walking him lots, playing with him, etc. Like, right now he is on the couch burying his face under the cushions to get at any crumbs or loose change that might be there. this morning he found a dime in there and you would have thought it was the greatest treat on the planet. And since he found the dime, I came home and every cushion was pulled off the couch. Yet, he still thinks he maybe missed a quarter or two. He's a smart dog, that one. 

f. Because I've been sick I haven't had coffee, and that means my mind gets VERY sluggish. All I can really process is The People's Court. 

That's it. See? I don't even have good excuses like "oh, I have been working SO MUCH" or "I am just sooo jet lagged from the 7 times zones I just went through!" I haven't even unpacked from NY yet. I keep stubbing my toe on my suitcase that I put in the middle of the floor to inspired me to unpack. 

anyhoo...I'm back. I'll write more from my massage chair tomorrow morning.

they say....

...that moving through grief can take many shapes and forms.

Mine took in THIS form.



hmmph.

the iphone was the least of my impulse buy problems. apparently.

recovering...

I must be feeling better, going through the grieving process, because people are starting to annoy the hell out of me. What stage is that? Anger? When I got here and people were being assholes, I was all “I don’t even care, nothing matters, blah”

And now, I guess I’m back to my old self. Just this morning I was almost denied boarding my flight cuz I said “Fuck you” to the delta counter lady. Well whatever, she SO deserved that one. But they literally RIPPED my tickets off my bags and everything. So I had to apologize and beg that dumb bitch to let me back on. It’s a long story as how it got to be that bad at the counter, but I am sure we can ALWAYS assume it was totally DELTA’S FAULT.

At any rate, they made me miss my flight, and take a later one, and then when I FINALLY got to security I realized I had no ID.

!!!!!!

isn’t that what nightmares are made of? Maybe tomorrow I am going to be in school taking a test I didn’t study for or waiting on tables where I can’t get to everyone, and the customers are all mad and I might be fired for being surly and slow. Wait. That wasn’t a dream. That was my entire senior year in college. All three senior years.

The fact that I am sitting on this flight is proof that Beck is upstairs telling God “she means well….well, I mean, she got me GREAT treats anyway.”

Then I went for airport starbucks for comfort and In front of me was this French guy talking on his phone. In French. That’s hot. So I looked him up and down. He wasn’t hot. He was short. Had an ugly suitcase and those baggy pants that are all pockets and zippers and snaps EVERYWHERE. Then He hung up and Sbux was playing some sort of African dance something, and he started moving his legs to the beat.

I stood there examining him, wondering on what level of desperation would I date this guy. Like, let’s just SAY he was all in love with me, what would be the deal breaker? His height? The dancing? I mean that would be endearing, maybe, once. But on every vacation? Nah. The attire? The ugly choice of luggage? I wondered on what level would I lower my standards all for a French accent?

Then he didn’t even get coffee. He just got a muffin.

It’s over. We’re breaking up.

Also I have SUCH a bad cold. I am living off of Sudafed Extreme Cold. Everyone on my flight HATES me right now because I am all coughing and stuffy and blowing my nose every few minutes.
There was a wind storm on Thursday and we were walking around the west village and a huge gust blew STREET DIRT right IN MY MOUTH. I about died. I stood there screaming and trying to spit it all out. But I could still feel the grit in my teeth. EEEWWWW! NYC street dirt? Probably has every different mammal feces there is. And a little bum pee. I knew I was poisoned, and sure enough I woke up Friday with a BAD sore throat. EWWWW!

I am still not okay with the germs that are in my body and from whence they came. My mind won’t stop imagining the exact rat who ate the exact rotten sandwich from the exact bum sitting in his adult diaper coughing up phlegm into his whore’s heroin needle. All washed up from the sewers mixed with a little subway grime, right into MY MOUTH!

Ho hum. It’s a lovely flight.

Grief

Grief is a strange thing for sure. I have never really experienced it in my life, which I think is both a blessing and a hinderance. Beck was my first real heartbreak, watching the life leave his eyes, was, literally gut-wrenching.

Now I am in new York with maggie. watching her be depressed about it is even worse. Today was the first day that I didn't wake up crying. Though just writing those few sentences started it up again. It's weird. Nothing really triggers it. I'll be walking down the street, seemingly fine, and a memory will just pop up in my head and start the tears. ( I wear contacts and when I cry they get blurry until I take them out and rinse them, so this is a problem!)

I have only been able to sleep at night by taking ambien. I was SO tired last night that I didn't take one and then had a dream that beck was still alive, and when I woke up I felt my heart squeeze tight. THAT was the worst.

I don't know what I would do without my friends and family right now. I knew I had amazing solid friends, but this just reinforced it. I will say this too, that you don't realize how blessed you are... HOW REALLY BLESSED you are to have people who are there for you. In the smallest ways. Even the people who commented on his video...all that stuff helps. SO if ever you're not sure what to say to someone who has lost someone, for me anyway, EVERYTHING had a good impact.

And Carin...Seriously, The memories you gave me I will treasure for the rest of my life. I look at them EVERY day and thank God that you took those. You captured EXACTLY who he was. I can't express my gratitude enough.

ANyway, I'm going out to dinner, and now I have to rinse my contacts...again.

Life of Beck

I hate spring!!

this is one of those days where I hate everyone and everything. Well, everyone and everything in LA. people's court was a repeat. Jake Ignored my pleas for mercy, my cries for help, and I pulled a rib muscle doing abs! I absolutely HATE "springing" forward. HATE. I even hate the cutesy stupid name someone gave it. I have been tired since sunday. It throws me off. and I prefer evenings. I DON'T LIKE having longer days and less evening time. People in class were idiots today and it's LUCKY for them I've been getting in trouble for being bitchy to students, so I held my tongue. Which made me even MADDER. I felt so, so STIFLED. My creativity SQUASHED!
blahck

Gulty pleasures. Or not so guilty.

My friend dede just blogged about her guilty pleasures. She challenged readers to post their own. I mean, I have a WHOLE WEBPAGE around that. But anyhoo, here are some more..and I would say they were more like addictions, but I like "guilty pleasure better" cuz I don't think Betty Ford or Dr. Drew have a "guilty pleasures" rehab. here goes...

*lip gloss products. I have many. many are in my drawer untouched
*mochas (if you've ever read this blog, that's OBVIOUS)
*reality TV.
*Hannah Montana
*showtunes. Really gay ones. So gay my gay friends are horrified.
*donny osmond. (what? he's HOT)
*American Idol, but who's not?
*yoga pants...they ALWAYS fit and are SO cute and color coded!
*girl scout peanut butter sandwich cookies (luckily, seasonal)(like now.)
*pedicures, but I feel that's more a life necessity
*REEF flip flops, but again, NECESSITY
*easter candy. all of it. except jelly beans
*looking at my wrinkles in the "close-up mirror"
*Cupcakes. Vanilla on Vanilla.
*Baskin Robbins Mocha almond fudge ice cream
*See's Bordeaux chocolates
*People's Court.
*Costco Books (ALWAYS puts me over the $200 mark)
*Nordstrom. I could LIVE in there.
*Dog Collars. They're like REEF's for my dogs. they have many.
*In TOUCH weekly. (it's more the WAY I rush to the newsstand on thursday mornings than the actual magazine itself)(or more like that I KNOW it comes out on thursday mornings)(unlike US weekly, cuz that comes out WED morning)
*Sharpie fine point pens. I must have every color made. in doubles.
*RObert's craft store/paper. I have A LOT of paper. For...you know...future projects.
*hello kitty crap. the tinier the better.
*saying "Totally" and "Fully"
*finding stupid stuff on the internet to blog about.


That's all I can THINK of right now. And luckily for me, outta time. Am meeting my friend at Nordstrom's for mochas and flip flop shopping. HA! ( I am actually so totally serious)

My list is WAY bigger than hers.

remember when...

it was just the neighborhood kids, pulling their red wagons filled with teddy bears, or dollies,or little brothers, or puppies...

now they're wheeling around their earth friendly organic compost gardens ?

sigh.

next up? Ergonomic recycled hemp rollerskates covered in non-toxic wheat grass moss.

what WILL they think of next?

HEy...I didn't get excited about THIS PRODUCT because I am SURE it won't work with my i-phone. But if it did? Apple would have re-invented multi-tasking.

You could watch the nasty, while setting it to some badonkadonk booty tunes, moving up slowly from Sade to Shaggy, while texting your boss and babysitter, AND talking on the phone with grandma.

whew!

ps. My FAVORITE line in that ad was "Listening to your favorite sexy music and actually feeling the corresponding vibes quickly transports you to a place where music, mind and body truly "come" together"
WHO writes this stuff?

BEST/WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I am now in the last 5 mins of the worst day in my 37 yrs.

It's 11:55 pm, and yesterday at midnight, Beck went Missing. I haven't slept since. I look like a meth addict right now. My hair is a fraggle rock looking mess, and my eyes and face are swollen and red from an entire day of gut wrenching crying.

But someone found him at around 5pm. So he's back home asleep on his bed right now. I just picked him up from the person who found him. exactly 5 mins before he had gone missing the day before.

I have never ever known a pain like that. And I have never ever known the kind of joy and relief I felt when I read this email...

Hi.
I got this e-mail today from a list I belong to and it sounds like your dog. I sent the person a link to your ad. I hope it's Beck.
Best.
Brandi


I found a dog in front of my work. He seemingly approached me out of
nowhere, but obviously has been well taken care of. He's a yellow lab
of about 9 years old or so. He has a green collar with a decorative
pattern on it. No tags, obviously. He appears to have tumors on his
body and problems with arthritis. Overall he's incredibly sweet and
calm, however at moments seems a little scared of course.

I just couldn't leave him, nor could I just drop him off at a shelter.
He's clean, his nails are clipped. Someone obviously loves him and I
have to make sure they find him. I'm reluctant to bring him to a
shelter because you know why, but I must do something with him soon.
If my landlord realizes I've got a furry roomate it could mean big
trouble.

Dog was found at Beverly & Poinsettia in front of MILK, where I work
at approximately 12:30am. I can be located at...


I had, as a last ditch effort, after an entire day of going to Los Angeles Animal shelters (depressing on a GOOD day) and pounding the pavement hanging signs, decided to leave an ad on Craigslist. I even felt pathetic leaving it, like just posting a craigslist ad was a sign of defeat, because, what are the odds?

Well, quite literally 5 mins later I got that email, from a random 3rd party.

So, Miracles do happen. Because THAT? was a miracle by definition. The girl who found him hadn't even posted a craigslist ad, she had posted it on yahoo, which I didn't even know about. And then some random woman, who, THANK GOD, had nothing better to do on a sunday, got that email from yahoo and then decided to just "look on craigslist" the very few minutes after I had posted it. So like, if she had checked craigslist 10 mins earlier, i wouldn't have my dog.

big breath here.

I am so exhausted, but I have energy to write because I had to just acknowledge that miracle today.

And, on another note, this being me and all, when Beck walked in the front door and Mick attacked him as usual with all the obsessive licking and annoyance that is Mick, Beck gave me a look that said maybe he was not so much LOST as ESCAPED.

how people in the background can ruin a picture

one of THOSE days...already....

It is only 10 am and right now, as I am TRYING to be on my computer doing, STUFF, all three dogs are in my very small office, Beck is panting on me, so close to my body that we are practically ONE, Mick is under my chair, doing TWO things, simultaneously
holding maggies Ball in his mouth, and chewing on the chair. I don't know how he is accomplishing this, but if I LOOK DOWN to see it will only excite him and he'll be all "OH.MY.GOD. SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!" and then he'll do both things more fervently. And Maggie is barking right in his face, under my chair because he won't give up the ball. And then looking at me barking at me so I can get rid of/discipline him. While she's barking she keeps lunging under my chair to get at him.

So if you were ever considering getting a dog?

A. Read the Bible instead...WAY more quiet.
B. Consult me first, cuz I have a couple of Extras that you can just HAVE.

Keep on Movin

how much did you want to be one of them?!

Sunshine Day

I just HAD to post this. I mean, it puts a pep in my step EVERY TIME!

Chinese Astrology is SO RIGHT

I just did one of those facebook applications on chinese astrology (if you're not on facebook -dede-carin-then you HAVE to join! there are GREAT fun surveys and stuff) and even though I knew I was born in the year of the dog (duh)('splains a lot, huh) which means I am loyal and needy, etc....but THIS reading was DEAD ON. So much so that I began to giggle....and the reason why dede couldn't keep the paisley country wallpaper on this site!

These were listed as the negative traits...

nasty, mean-spirited, disagreeable, bad-tempered, self-righteous, judgmental, quarrelsome, accusing, nervous, anxious and impossible to live with

HA! I just love that now I have an excuse! I can't HELP it. I was, unfortunately born under the DOG sign?! (shrug of my shoulders here)(plus an innocent face)

and then it said They can march in and take control of a situation, even when it doesn't involve them directly. This can lead people to think Dogs are nosy or gossipy, but in reality, he just means well.

see? I just MEAN WELL.

and then it finishes with They are bold, unafraid to disagree out loud about anything they feel is unjust or unfair.

YAH! you WILL BE HEARING FROM ME APPLE!!

i-assholes

I am seriously ABOUT TO KILL SOMEONE AT APPLE!!

I just found out today, when I went to teach my class, and went to USE MY IPOD/IPHONE for music, THAT IT DOESN'T PLAY ON A STEREO LIKE THE REGULAR IPOD DOES!!!!

I bought that damn phone TO REPLACE MY STOLEN IPOD!

And now I can't even USE IT!!!

Which MEANS that I have to go buy ANOTHER IPOD.

I SERIOUSLY hate apple right now. Why do they have to do stuff like that when they COULD MAKE IT EASY. It's blatantly ripping us (me) off! They did this with the nano/nike thing. So when I actually paid the $125 for the nike shoes AND the little ipod nike adaptor so you can track your runs, etc, only to find out that I CAN'T use my regular ipod...I would have to buy the nano only!!! Why? it is SO unfair.

But I forgave them, well because I HAD to. It's like forgiving your drug dealer for whatever because you know he's THE ONLY drug dealer in town.

That's what Apple does to us, and THEY KNOW IT!

I am full of hate. And here I was on a hawaii high and they totally killed my buzz.

And the worst part?

I will still have to buy their stupid products. this is blackmail. extortion. I wonder if I can sue?

Mahalo day 5

heres something else amazing about Hawaii. Kona coffee! I was planning on buying a few pounds for me and also for my coffee drinking buddies. Then I discovered that the CHEAP kona coffee is $40 per lb and the normal kind is $50 per lb.

What the fuck?

I am NOT paying that price for coffee.....

On other people!

Hawaii day two

here's one thing I love here...they have new flavors of pringles like spicy guacamole and bacon ranch.
Bacon.
ranch.
pringles.
I am moving here.

Aloha

I. Just. Landed in kona! I am blogging from my iPhone. It took me 30 mins just to type that. For real. This keyboard is made for midget anorexics. First thing I did was eat kona coffee ice cream. Yay me.

i-manipulation

fine. I got the iphone, but I'm NOT happy about it (lies..of course I am obsessed)(but still NOT HAPPY!)

The apple store is satan's lair. First off, I went in there all "i am NOT getting the iphone today. I am ONLY getting the nano. that's the plan. i can NOT get an iphone because I absolutely do not need it" ( i really believed this, mind you)

THEN I saw the nano, 4 gigs for $149...buuuutttt then I figured well, why would I pay $149 for 4 gigs, when the classic ipod is only $249 for 80 gigs! right? THAT would have been a waste of money!

And then I was all "well, if I'm GOING to spend $249 on an ipod, then I mean, I may as well, just go ahead and spend the extra $150 for the iphone, because you know, I was gonna get the iphone ANYWAY this summer, so if I get it NOW then it's like getting the phone for $149. And then I was all "the $399 iphone is 8 gigs, so i may as well spend the extra $100 for 16 gigs (double the space. Bargain!) (my dad would call this "funny math")

And then i was all "i better walk around so I can talk myself OUT of this."

And then, just as I was about to just get the ipod, my friend I went with was looking at covers for HER iphone, and I THEN I saw THE CUTEST Paul Frank iphone cover ($30!! for a piece of rubber the size of my dog's paw!) ( I wonder if the 'Michelin' man is all "DAMN! I went the wrong direction!!") I REALLY wanted the cover, and you know, Paul frank didn't just make a classic ipod cover, so that was the beginning of the end. I wanted the cover...and the phone that would fit in it.

Now, what makes apple SO evil, is that IF I wouldlhave stood in line to pay, I probably would have (maybe) been all "no, I'm putting this back. this is CRAZY" But no, As I grabbed the iphone and cover, a random sales person had a portable credit swiper ON HIS BELT and was all " I'll ring that up for you right now. your card?" I was in a nervous frenzy. and I was all "you mean, right here? like I don't have to BE IN LINE??" And before I finished that sentence, he had completed the transaction and put my stuff in a bag. i didn't even see where he got that bag!

I got home and put it on my desk and just looked at it. I wasn't happy or excited, I was more like "how did THAT happen?" (funny, I did the same thing when I brought Mick home)

So this just continues the LONG line of bad decisions I am making this year.

But still....check out this cover!


MISTAKE #2


MISTAKE #1

Let's pray there's not a #3 anytime soon. And let's pray that #3 isn't me blogging "hey! guess what? I got married in Vegas!"

i-thief

some ass clown stole my Ipod today! I feel so, so lost. And I am SO PISSED because I was planning on buying an iphone in july, when my sprint contract is up, and hopefully when the new 16 gig price goes down. This was THE PLAN.

and NOW what do I do?? I NEED my ipod. my life revolves around that, mostly because how am I supposed to workout without it? I simply can't! How can you expect someone to run on a treadmill without music???

WAAHAAA.

I can't just buy another ipod. Because I want the iphone. I can't just buy an iphone because it isn't THE PLAN. Also, I refuse to pay for two phones. also I can't justify that kind of expense right now.

ARGHHHHH.

I am SO SO MAD at the thief! They better not LOOK AT MY DOG PICS!!

Actually, it's more likely that I lost it. But I dunno. it's easier to be angry at a thief, than angry at myself for probably leaving it somewhere. I don't LIKE being oldddddd. WHy couldn't I just have misplaced Mick?!

WHY ME? WHY ME!?

here's an email I got from a totally annoying yoga teacher who works at my same company...

Hey, are you an actress at all?

my reply: nope. why?

her reply: well, i am shooting an independent film and there's a part that call for a CURVY, SWEET, SENSITIVE GAL.


FIRST OFF....GAL? really?

SECOND....I AM NOT SWEET AND SENSITIVE!

THIRD....how retarded is she? and who the hell writes a movie with a fat sweet sensitive GAL? fat people are mean and bitter because they can't eat a whole bag of oreos in front of people. And WHO writes that to a co-worker WHO IS NOT YOUR FRIEND?

I swear next time I see her, I will punch her in the throat. Then maybe she'll think twice about that 'sweet' comment!

these are a few of my favorite things...

My friend Eve found these for me at anthropologie, and they were THE LAST ones there and they had been returned at that. But I snatched em up because really? THEY.ARE.SO.CUTE.
They're so cute that I keep opening them and looking at them. I don't even want to use them for fear that I won't be able to buy more. I immediately went to their website to see other patterns, but this was the cutest, and they're even on back order. I love making cd's for people, but let me just tell you, that if you ever get a cd from me with these on them? then you will most likely be in my will too.
I hope when I die and go to heaven, it is filled with things like this.

FAST FOOD FRENZY

SCENE: McDonalds drive thru, lunch time

(the kind of drive-thru where once you give in to the sin you are about to commit, there's no turning back. literally)

BLACK GIRL IN JETTA IN FRONT OF THE LINE: (she's "talking" to the lady behind her, leaning out her front window)(I am the innocent bystander who's next)
"I SAID BACK OFF BITCH!

BLACK GIRL IN CABRIO: DON'T TALK TO MELIKE THAT YOU FUCKIN BITCH!!

JETTA BITCH: I'LL TALK TO YOU ANY WAY I WANT TO BITCH! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN CUZ YOU A STUPID BITCH! NOW BACK THE FUCK OFF!

CABRIO BITCH: I DON'T LISTEN TO CRAZY BITCHES. YOU LEARN TO TALK TO ME NICE, THEN I'LL BACK OFF.

JETTA BITCH: (Gets out of jetta) YOU BACK OFF MY BUMPER RIGHT NOW YOU CRAZY STUPID FUCKING BITCH!! YOU AIN'T GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS CUZ YOU THINK I'M JUST A BLACK WOMAN YOU CAN PUSH AROUN'.

CABRIO BITCH: (gets out.) (me: am v v afraid I might lose my life in this gangsta girl fight all because i had a chicken nugget craVing.)
I'M A AFRICAN AMERICAN TOO YOU STUPID BLACK BITCH

JETTA BITCH: I DON'T CARE WHAT U ARE CUZ WHAT YOU ARE NOT IS OFF MY BUMPER. NOW BACK THE FUCK UP!!



They never did leave. ever. and while they stayed, screaming, the McPeople still hand delivered everyone's food, including theirs. so as soon as cabrio bitch got her food, she got back in her car, shut her door, and started eating her fries, still fuming, while they waited for the police. in the drive thru.


guess I won't be giving in to those cravings again anytime soon. though i did get my nuggets for free.

this is a test. this is only a test of the emergency broadcraft system...

UPDATE: she changed the site to the coolest design ever! and it's MUCH more mean looking!!

i know, you're probably all "waiiiiitt....where am I? did i put in the right URL? waittttt....it looks like a nice, kind, crafty person blogs here...but.but.but....

don't adjust your computer. You're in the right spot. My incredibly talented friend, after many many threatening emails from me, begging, pleading, for her to tell me all she knows, designed my blog. (she cut her losses, and just did it for me, knowing full well it would have taken her the greater part of the summer to explain it all to me)

When i first signed on it was like christmas all over again. my eyes lit up in awe, I hunted around for all the little bells and whistles she added. Then I looked again and realized that her job was TOO good. it looks warm and inviting, like i might be blogging about my plucky kids, or my latest perfect bun recipe (i do have the perfect recipe, i just somehow can't make them weigh less than 3 lbs each) (which is why dede went ahead and just did this for me) or like i might start a knitting circle with my nice, kind, friends. I don't even think i can type swear words on here. heck.

yyyyyahhhh. Now, being that I'm me, and can't just accept her cute blog design, i email her, like the demanding client that i am, and tell her "ummm, i need a wallpaper that looks more, mmmm, how should I say, MEAN. yah...I need a mean looking wallpaper so people aren't duped.

and being the she's her she writes back, not "F*** OFF! YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNTALENTED HACK!" like I would have. No she writes, "i know...i actually looked for a meaner wallpaper, but couldn't find any. maybe you could start a mean wallpaper business!"

she should be the next president. think of how the whitehouse would look!! she would give saddam a haircut, outfit him at The Gap and have him baking buns in the kitchen with mitt romney in matching aprons.

anyway...i hope this wallpaper, while it's up, doesn't make me, gulp, nicer. hurry up and find the mean scrapbook sites dede!

three blind annoying mice....

i just went to take mick to the vet to get fixed. (Mick's fix! HA!) (i see a kid's book happening here)

At any rate, I was driving down santa monica blvd, a VERY busy street, and at a stop sign, right when I stopped, was this blind guy who was attempting to cross. He was so sweet looking, and he maybe is newly blind? cuz he seemed nervous to cross with his stick thing, and he was reaching his hands out like he was afraid.

I had such sympathy. i mean, I WOULD HAVE, had he not begun to shuffle his feet, "happy feet" style and I saw that he had an ipod, and he was dance/shuffling with his ipod, with little happy penguin feet that seemed to go NOWHERE. I waited. and waited. and waited while he busted a move across the crosswalk. And then I wondered if maybe he was even blind. I mean this IS LA. anyway, he kept doing little hands boppin to the beat gestures, and shaking his hips, etc.

I could NOT have been more fascinated and annoyed at the same time.

On another note, the house is SO QUIET without Mick. On one hand I miss him (he's been gone now 30 mins) and on the other...well, actually, i can't imagine life without him anymore. it's just too...easy. I mean we walked into the house, beck and maggie following obediently behind, they came in, went straight to their beds (my bed) and that was it! no, screaming for mick to drop the neighbor's newspaper, no barrelling through the front door headed straight for my uggs, no barking his head off wanting a treat...still, too quiet though.

UPDATE: Beck and Maggie seem to have a mixed reaction...they are either thrilled that I took Mick to "a better suited home for special needs" or they think they're next.

Charlie bit my finger - again !

this is a reminder to me that i really really want kids. i want kids with british accents. or australian too. i better start vacationing in england. or new zealand.

thanks dede!

this is me trying to have a fancy pants blog like my friend from college who JUST STARTED TO BLOG like a week ago. pfft. mormons. have to outdo you on every homebaked item and/or craft project. this slide was SUPPOSED to be on the side, with crafty wallpaper in the background. i need to change religions

sometimes I feel like the luckiest person...(but RARELY)

I know this doesn't count as a real post...but still....

when you care enough to send the very best

MEXICO RETREAT!!

come lie around on this lounge!

backyardyogaretreats.com

Wiener poopie

GREAT NEWS!!! HOT OFF THE PRESS!!!

Did you KNOW that Farmer John maple smoked bacon is only 35 calories a slice?? And it's not reduced fat or ANYTHING. It's just regular yummy perfect BACON!!! I mean, were we NOT always told how fattening bacon was? LIES! ALLLL LIES!!!

In fact, for the past few YEARS I have been choking down turkey bacon in the name of HEALTH Wellllll, Mr. Man....Guess what? Turkey bacon has, a-hem, 35 calories tooo!

Hmmm, Turkey bacon? Regular bacon? Turkey bacon? Regular bacon? YAH! tough choice there!

If this new info doesn't put a pep in your step on your way to vote? I don't know what will!

Marshmallows anyone....?

This has to be the COOLEST THING EVER

and by cool I mean warm.

I can JUST envision myself sitting in front of my crackling fire, eating smores (that I previously microwaved) and reading a good book. Never mind that I already have a REAL fireplace that I'm afraid to use because I can't figure out if I need to open the flu thingie or not and also I can't figure out if it's gas or not gas....so THIS is the perfect solution! easy! Just my style!

makes me wanna move back to my teeny tiny apartment in NY.

What? so what IF I AM 37!

Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock!
-hannah Montana

This song was in my head allll night and allll morning. I have actually been humming it. So let me just say this once and for all.

Hannah Montana is perhaps THE best show EVER for teens. I can't stop watching it because I am so proud of it, and Miley Cyrus. There's no insane drama (90210) there are no sex issues or slutty clothing or even TRENDY clothing for that matter (Saved By the Bell) There are no totally lame cheesy "life lessons" (full house) The songs aren't annoying and lame with stupid lyrics (Jem!)(although i DID like her too...JEEEEEMMMM. jem is my name, no one else is the same. JEM!) Her songs are not only GOOD but also have cute inspiring teen messages. Also, she's so funny, like a young I LOVE LUCY. I so wish they had had something like this when I was growing up. But I'm glad it's around now. There's still hope for bratty annoying teenagers yet!

So if you have any teenagers, (and THANK GOD MYfriends don't yet, because then I WOULD feel like a washed up old maid (although I only have 3 yrs to go when most my friend's kids hit 13)(better get busy) but IF you do, then MAKE them watch this show.

okayyyyyyy, anyhoo, it's another cold rainy sunday here in LA, and I couldn't be happier!!

ME.

HAPPY.

Go figure.

Liiifeee's what you make it, so leettttt's make it Rock!

Hey! Who put their sweats in MY ROBE? HEY! Who put their robe in MY SWEATS!?

Now, the thing with stuff like this, is it ENCOURAGES shut-ins, depressies, TV crazies and housewives/single yoga teachers to NEVER. LEAVE.THE.HOUSE.

I would LOVE to see the woman who created this little number. One day she was all hunkering down with a quart of baskin robbin;s jamoca almond fudge (you know, I'm just GUESSING) and she was in her regular flawed bathrobe, and she thought, "I SO wish I didn't have to make the EFFORT to put on my robe AND then put on a pair of sweats. waiiiiittttt, I KNOW!

Also, all the ads for these have skinny women lounging around in them ,which is just plain funny, skinny women don't wear shit like this. I mean, it's basically an adult trundle bundle. Skinny women lounge around in skimpy silk short robes. Just you wait, this will be one of Oprah's favorite things this year. OPRAH.

PS. if you secretly went to the website to order this, don't worry, I GET it.