HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY MICK!!!!

FROM THIS...


TO THIS





Dear Mick,

It has been, ummm, an eventful year with you. You were SO cute that first day I brought you home. I had NO idea what ticked underneath all that yellow cottony fur. The first 10 minutes home you fell asleep right on my shoes. And I was all "WHAT a sweet little angel!"

That was the last time I ever said those words. sigh. As soon as you woke up the "fun" began. You were SO tiny that you fit under EVERYTHING. You loved my bed best. you would get under there where I couldn't reach you and just run around in circles and bark. And later, I realized that you were probably barking at all the mattress material you had ripped out from the box spring. You were not a snuggly puppy. You liked your private sleep space. You slept in ever tiny crevice in the house, you liked it behind the recliner chair.

You would play hard, and then pass out.

toys lasted about 20 minutes when you were involved. But by then you would be passed out and when you slept, and ONLY when you were asleep did I sigh and think "you are so sweet..when you're sleeping"

Every single day I would say to myself "I am giving him away. He is crazy. I can't have a crazy dog. My other two are PERFECT. Why did I have to go screw it all up?! I neeed to give him away while he's still so cute, so people don't suspect what's really there. They'll be suckered into his cuteness like I was." But then everyday, lucky for you, you would sleep, and I would change my mind. Never did you get that your precious life hung in the balance of those naps...or maybe you did.

I finally told myself that if i actually PAY for professional photographs, and actually get a good Christmas card picture out of it, then I would be more inclined to keep you. It worked. Whenever I started posting a 'craigslist' ad I would pull up iphoto and just look at how sweet you are...in pictures. I'd try to forget the sweat and dirt and HUNDREDS of frames and treats it took to get those shots, and then the two nights of diarrhea that ensued from all those treats. I uploaded all your pics onto my iphone so I could bring them up at any time to remind myself why I love you. I stared at those pictures A LOT.

Soon enough, as the weeks went by and you got bigger you couldn't fit into you nap time crawl spaces, which frustrated you to no end. you tried and tried. And quickly though, you went from sleeping under things, to being perfectly comfortable on top of things. You have been comfortable there ever since.
From day one, when you tried to nurse off of Maggie, and she kicked you down, you were confused by her lack of maternal insincts, but in love with your new doggie family. They put you in your place over and over and over, yet you never gave up.

They made you keep your distance at first, and it took a while for Beck to warm up to your annoying ways, but eventually you became one of the pack. and that's all you cared about. I could have fallen down in an epileptic fit and you would have yawned, but if Beck even LOOKED AT YOU it would make you wiggle and squirm with glee.
You were sad when Beck Died and you lost your idol, and that's when you and Maggie bonded for life. You still, however, ignore me.

Now, I still don't get you, but i can't imagine life without you. I mean I CAN, it looks tranquil on the other side of the fence, but you make life, umm, interesting. You love and are fascinated with the bathtub.

You dig holes, BIG holes, holes you can stand your full body in. Where ever there is loose dirt, and/or loose bedsheets, you try to dig holes. You even tried to dig a hole IN the bathtub for some reason.

You drink out of the toilet, a habit NONE of my other dogs have ever had. You steal all the neighbors newspapers and trot around with them. this makes me laugh, so I haven't corrected that behavior. It only makes me laugh though, until you bring them all into the house and shred each one. You like that. shredding. You "wake" me by jumping on my face and then wrestling with maggie. on my face. You LOVE my Ugg Boots. You pull every single one out of my closet. You dont ruin them, per se, you just take them all out and toss them around the living room. Or you just get them all out and sit with them. One has to wonder if you think they're some sort of furry little precious baby in your eyes.


You still are, and probably always will be a complete pain in the ass. But you have made me laugh and cry...and cry...and cry. I love you TONS. Though, i do still need to keep Carin's photo shoot on hand. Very close at hand.

PS. Mick would like you all to know he is registered at Petco and The Barking Lot.

I am "THIS MANY" years old (holds up 37 fingers)

My life was hard enough to manage as it was. Then I got a car Payment, And I was all "woohoo! I'm an ADULT now!" "I have a CAR payment!!" As if that was exciting, and novel, and chic and cutting edge. A milestone, as it were. The novelty has worn off.

THEN I lost my brain function and got a trainer and I was all "woohoo! I am SOOO HOLLYWOOD. I have a trainer" THAT novelty AND expense wore off on session two, during the 456th push-up.

NOW I decided since I am officially broke (for real, I have $2.57 in my "savings" acct. Seriously) that I would buy a condo (though, SUPER cute and New York-y) and have a mortgage! How exciting! my very first mortgage. And I can be all "man, I gotta pay that MORTGAGE instead of stupid juvenile rent. I am TRULY an adult! (adults can still eat Zingers though!) ( I mean I'm NOT eating Vanilla Zingers with Yellow vanilla frosting. I would NEVER eat those now. I am working out with my trainer) (who, incidentally reads this blog)(because my "friend" Ashley Pittman Big Mouth told him about it!)

Where was I? Oh yah. I am officially an adult with a mortgage, trainer and car payment! Then I was watching Suze Ormon yesterday (I was sick, there's NOTHING else on tv sunday afternoons) When I see her shows on, I usually RACE down the cable guide page as if I never saw it. I'd rather watch a lifetime original movie about cheerleaders, or, or, the mexican channel. But I figured that now since I actually have, what's it called, oh yah, assets that mayyyybbeeee I could learn something. Get a little tidbit of financial wizardry.

She was yelling at women as usual, about how STUPID they are to buy a brand new car and have a car payment! How irresponsible it was to NOT have a hefty savings account! How getting into a mortgage without having 6 months back-up payments was outright mental! (she used LOTS of exclamation points) How you should always put 20% of your income into savings (pfft. right) How having a trainer is ridiculous!(okay, maybe that last one wasn't said....but I know she meant to!)

Then she started speaking Chinese, crazy words like 401k and sub-prime loans and retirement plans (retirement? what?)

I watched. I listened. Then I changed the channel to I Love Lucy Shoving all that crazy talk outta my mind. Like a horror film. Or a scary commercial FOR a horror film that you wish you hadn't seen.

My point? I am not THAT much of an adult...maybe in my 60's.

make you laugh for the weekend

I don't know what made me laugh more, his shirt, or his "moves"

also? his very last move, I wanna do to certain "yoga" students and/or teachers. I could incorporate into down dog, no?

US weekly is comin' next

I am ALMOST famous. I made it onto someone famous's website. She's a model in NY and LA. I think. I don't really know her. But keep scrolling sideways and see my first debut in publicity. Paparazzi, here I come!

I wanna be fired

I am SO completely and entirely exhausted, what with the earthquake clean-up and all.

It was the longest day ever, and I don't even work that much. In fact, I subbed out my class tonight, so I didn't even work AT ALL today. Though, I will say that my LIFE is work. Seriously, when my TiVo is full, and I have like, ALL these recorded shows to watch, it's a LOT of pressure. I was actually physically gone all day, and just got home at 10pm, which never happens. And though I didn't "work" work, I ran all around doing STUFF. And I am so tired I just wanted to get in bed and not even WATCH T.V. And yet, I felt compelled to just SEE what shows I missed, and then it was more than I thought, and I was all "hmmph, I better get SOME of these out of the way" as if they were term papers I had to start on.

Well, So I better quit wasting time here, and get started on those shows.

The big QUAKE...

Okay, tragedy struck yesterday. ALL of my afternoon shows were pre-empted!

No Judge Judy, No people's Court, No Dr.Phil/Oprah/Ellen!

ALL because of "earthquake" reports, pie charts, size-mo-graphs (spelling? no?) and interviews. They even interviewed "governor" schwartzenager. Who was in uh, SACRAMENTO. In fact, it's STILL BEING COVERED.

But you know, I guess there WAS mass destruction. One asian liquor store owner was saying how she had to cover her head because the bottles might fall down on her. Then she SHOWED us how exactly she covered her head with her arms. But LUCKILY, pheeeee-ew, no mini-bottles fell on her. but ALMOST.

And then there was the guy who's pottery store was damaged. Lots of his pottery fell on the floor. Yet, it was a really dumpy old ass pottery store, so one has to question whether he went in AFTER the quake and tipped all the shelves over and was all "Man, all my pottery is gone! Good thing I have insurance!" And then 3 months later he'll be running his new starbucks chain.

And then there was the USC football player dude interviewed on campus with his backpack, all "yah, man, I was walking over there (points to grass) on the grass, and I was getting up to go to class and was all, 'whoa! I think there's an earthquake!' and then I just stayed put man. (shakes his head) it was kinda scary." Wonder when his FEMA check is arriving?

There were SO. MANY. MORE. interviews like that. ALL.DAY.LONG. Even today. People talk excitedly, out of breath, with a look of HUGE relief on their face that they were lucky enough, bless Jesus, Mohammed and The Holy Ghost, to even be ALIVE today.

And then! After ruining my TV day, I get to work and everyone was all "where were YOU when IT happened?"

And I was all "OMIGOD, I was sitting on my couch and opened my computer and was DEVASTATED! I practically FELL OVER! Then I just cried and cried when IT happened. I knew my life was going to change dramatically, and I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest." But I will go one. LIFE will go on. Maybe. I am still in shock."

just saying

Women who call me "babe" make me want to claw their face off. ESPECIALLY ones who don't know me. But THINK they do. And if they DID know me, then they would NEVER call me 'babe' because I would never BE friends with someone who did.
the end.

tagged...

My friend Carin tagged me in her blog. (definitely go to her blog cuz her photography is so amazing you can't stop staring at her pics) Her Request was to list 7 quirky things about yourself. I LOVE the word 'quirky' cuz it sounds cute and quaint and plucky. But really, it means all the stuff that makes you but a valium away from the mental ward of your local county hospital and/or "how come no one answers their phone when I call?"

I wonder if family members count? I mean, you know, what's quirky about me is more to blame on who I was surrounded by in my youth. My Aunt Emma would be classified as criminally insane quirky. And then don't get me started on MY PARENTS! Woooo-eeeee.

Anyhoo, I think you're supposed to write them about YOU. SO uh, here goes.

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE People's Court. Judge Milian is my favorite Judge in the World. She is all professional and collected UNTIL someone pisses her off and she then pulls out her puertorican street slang and she says stuff in spanish like "como chocolate blah blah que bueno usted hablamos QUIERO!" (or something like that) and then she translates and is all "IF you're gonna order up the chocolate then PAY THE BILL!" I tivo it and it's the first thing I want to do when I get home from work. And when it's a repeat it practically ruins my afternoon.

2. I love mustard on French toast, like regular French's Yellow Mustard. AND syrup. mmmm, that mixture is SO good. SO good that I can't eat french toast without it. This makes ordering it at restaurants tricky. I also scoff at people who put ketchup on eggs, cuz THAT is just gross.

3. I sleep sideways on my bed, like across the top. I keep wondering what will happen when I have a boyfriend sleep over, like how will I arrange that one. Because that's the only way I sleep well.

4. I assess all expenses in terms of how many Mochas that would buy. But only stuff like bills and gas and parking tickets (and for SOME reason I have parking ticket karma, as in, I get A LOT. I have had my cars towed 4 times for that. twice I just left the cars there.) So say, my electric bill is $125, then I am all "GOD!! That is outrageous! I could have 27 mochas for that! Geez. God!" and I get all worked up.

5. I choose cleaning products on the merit of their prettiness. SO, like I HATE Pine Sol. Won't buy it. But, Method products, especially the pink ones? totally. who cares if it works or not, as long as they match and look pretty under the sink, I buy it. It sometimes take me hours in the cleaning section choosing exactly which counter wipes match my wood cleaner wipes. Ditto on dryer sheets. Who wants Bounty's ugly harsh reds and orange and bright yellow when you can have a cute snuggly bear in soothing lavender tones? I would buy Rat Poison if it were made by Martha. And the cute little cascade dishwaser packets that look like little candy nuggets? I LOVE those! Quirky? NO. Practical? YES!

6. What is my favorite thing on any given day? when some assporsche is driving behind me ALL close and CLEARLY annoyed at me driving slow, which of course I am not, and I can see them all frustrated in my rearview, and then they can finally pass me and then they GUN IT and their engines roar and the SPEED past me giving me a dirty look. Then they RACE all the way...to the RED LIGHT just ahead, only to find themselves not only stuck at a red light, but also unfortunately behind a school bus, and then I look over and shake my head and laugh, as I pull ahead to the red light, one bus length in FRONT of them. AHHHAHAAHHAHAA...HA!

7.


Enough said.

Ho hummm...what is more boring than TUESDAY morning? I mean, it's not Monday, so you have no excuses for being groggy and out of it, like "UGH! MOnday mornings!" and it's not WED morning, which is midweek, and getting over "the hump" and Thursday morning is lookin' good for the WEEKEND!! woohoo. And then of course friday morning is exciting and relaxing, because freedom is but a mere 8 hours way. But Tuesday is just tuesday.

Whoa, I really have nothing to say here. CLEARLY. This blog has "jumped the shark" like when cousin Oliver joined the brady bunch. It was the beginning of the end. OH! but we ARE down to the final TWO in 'Design Star' which is VERY exciting. I can't wait! If you don't wtch it, YOU NEED TO. HGTV. Sunday night.

uh, what else? ummmm. uhhhhh...I give up. You know, Tuesday morning and all. Oh wait, this is cute, our neighbors have about one million kids, and they're hasidic Jews...and they HATE dogs. But the kids are finally getting used to them, and the younger ones, who got to know Mick as a cute fuzzy puppy, are actually starting to like them. This little girl came up to me the other day and said "I sure do like your golden achievers!" HA! SO cute.

Okay, that's all I have. Maybe if I just go hang out at Target today, or Wal-Mart I'll have some good stories. Cuz there are ALWAYS good idiots who frequent those places!

I'm still alive, BARELY....

When i was driving home from work tonight Celine Dion was on the radio and it was the 'Titanic' song and I found myself oddly soothed by it. I even turned it up. And then I was all singing...."NEAR, FAR, whereEEEEEVER you are...."

Yah, that about sums up a friday night for me. At least a friday night after a week with the Tundinator! Ha! get it!? HA! Except instead of HASTA LA VISTA BABY, he's all HASTA LA CHEESE-A BABY! HA! Those of you who keep saying I need to write a book, are seriously thinking twice right now.

I also actually worked out at the gym last night. the actual gym. voluntarily. The tv shows on in front of me were...
-midget wrestling
-CNN
-Wheel of fortune
-and some sort of VH1 dance competition

Luckily I had my ipod on. There was a guy in front of me on one of those granny bikes, the kind that are all reclined. He was intently watching one of the TVs, with headphones on, and every few minutes he would whoop and clap and get all excited, in the way guys do when they're watching SPORTS. I kept trying to figure out who he was cheering? the midgets? Dancers? He certainly wasn't that excited about wheel of fortune? But I kept intently watching and his whooping and clapping didn't coincide with ANYTHING on TV. Freak.

Also, on the dance competition thing there was some song called "rock me sexy Jesus." I'm sorry, but midget wrestling aside, THAT IS JUST WRONG! Jesus is NOT SEXY! EWWWWW. Those two words should never EVER go together in a sentence. I mean, I'm practically a heathen, and I am completely offended. Jesus walked around rescuing baby lambs and has long robes and a long beard and birkenstocks. NOT SEXY.

I am SO glad I couldn't hear the words. I was piously listening to Hannah Montana. And Hairspray. And Rent. And Pet Shop Boys. And High School Musical. it's an eclectic mix, one which I could never recommend. But it does keep me running (well, MY version of running, which really, is more like walking. walking fast.) ( Well, MY version of fast. Which is coincidentally like MY version of healthy eating....I like to call it, INTERPRETIVE IMPROVISATIONAL DIETING. I wonder if I could "brand" it?! hmmmm)

Well, so My whole point here is that I haven't been able to move much all week, let alone write anything of interest. Not that it ever IS of interest, per se. And also? One of my new roommates is practically famous. Here's her red carpet moment at the "espy awards" which have something or other to do with sports or something.



Isn't she cute? People ALWAYS mix us up. They always ask if we're twins and stuff. And I'm all "My hair is NOT that long!"

A Guy walks into a bar with a duck....

...and other funny things that happened when I was in Tahoe this week.

1. I sent a text message to one of my yoga clients that I wouldn't be in town for his session and this was his reply "Hey baby girl! Don't worry about it. Have fun in Tahoe! See you next week! Uh. Baby girl? BABY GIRL???? Who IS this guy? Where did THAT come from? I don't even wanna know.

2. Blockbuster called to tell me that I hadn't returned "Mad Money" yet and if I didn't I would be charged the value of it blah blah...This was on saturday as I was driving to tahoe. It was still in my trunk. And today what showed up on my checking acct. was "$117 BLOCKBUSTER.... Excuse me, but ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS? FOR MAD MONEY? And even though I know the money will be refunded once I return it (I go through this every time, really) I was still outraged that they had the nerve to even pretend that mad money is worth $117. Now THAT? (unlike the movie) is FUNNY!
**though, really, it's one of those movies that is dumb, but also you kinda like it, but is still SO dumb, so you can't actually say you liked it, even though you kinda did.

3. I was waiting in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and an old lady next to me says "you been workin' out?" and I was all wow! it shows! all my hard work has PAID off and I have SO MUCH MUSCLE that strangers notice!!!(even strangers who can barely see!) And as my head was swelling with pride and also puzzled that it was THAT noticeable, I said with false humility "oh, umm, well, yah, a little here and there" and then she looked at my shirt and I looked down and realized it was all wet from spilling my water down my front, and what she was REFERRING to in her little old lady "humor" was that I was "sweaty" from working out. Like she thought she was making a little joke. Yah REAL FUNNY GRANDMA.

4. Different bathroom in a super nice quiet restaurant in a private members only resort lodge in the mountains. All the stalls were these giant wood doors and they were all closed. They were like little toilet log cabins. And I went to push open a door and there was someone in it. "oops. sorry" I said as I shut the door. and then I hear "HEY! GEEEZ. HEY! GEEZ. WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING! GEEZ! YOU THINK YOU'D KNOCK FIRST! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE! GEEZ!" and I was like 'I SAID I was sorry. I OBVIOUSLY didn't know you were in there" and then "GEEZ! WELL THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! AND YOU JUST BANGED MY HEAD AND REALLY HURT ME AND THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! GEEZ! WHAT DID YOU THINK! SOME PEOPLE!!" and I was all " ALL the doors are closed. Why don't you try locking it? and then "YOU HURT MY HEAD! YOU BANGED ME IN THE HEAD! I WAS IN HERE! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE" (she was actually still in there) and I finally just shut up. there was nothing more to say really, and I was lost in the "why" was her head so close to the door?? I'm still standing there because now I'm terrified that they're all filled or something when in fact they were all empty and she comes out, and she's like old and maybe even drunk I realize, and I am waiting for some big confrontation and she says "There's no toilet paper in that stall, by the way." and washes her hands, pats her white hair, and leaves. oookkkkayyyyeeeee.

I guess it's not just YOGA people I hate.

it's just july 4th to me

mmm...I just had a mani/pedi at the asian place at the corner. THANK GOD they were open. This is what I love about our diverse culture, people who don't celebrate american stuff and provide all the services I might need. UN-fortunately this also includes Tunde, who beat me up earlier. When i was on the floor begging for mercy and "holiday" reprieve he just stood over me and laughed that deep african laugh that says "I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE THREE BABIES AND A KITTEN, I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD ANYWAY"

I also got a "massage." but it was a massage from my nail lady, which means they have no real masseuse training or anything. They just like, squeeze and knead wherever. I don't even mind that, and it feels good enough, but the $10 price feels better. At the end of it they karate chop your back, and this woman WENT TO TOWN. I was clutching the massage chair with my dear life. And since she has no training she was chopping my spine and bones. (Naturally, I never say anything) THEN when she was done she stopped for a sec....and then started smacking me, literally, with cupped hands. She hit me harder than even my big brother at the worst of out fights. My BIG. FOOTBALL. PLAYING. BROTHER.

So I am on my couch now, unable to move from having been at the mercy of two different continents and their "holiday special"

at least my toes look pretty.

diet schmiet

I have been doing SO well on my little no bread/no cheese/no sweets diet. Seriously TWO WHOLE WEEKS and I didn't even cheat AT ALL. SO, naturally I had TACO BELL last night. I caved. But in my defense, I only ordered ONE item, as opposed to the 4 or 5 I used to get. I got the AMAZING spicy nacho crunchwrap.

I mean TWO WHOLE WEEKS is just unNATURAL. And technically a tortilla isn't bread. Nor is a fried corn tortilla. Nor is delicious processes who-knows-what-parts-of cow-chopped "meat", and NOR is processed DELICIOUS melted in your mouth nacho cheese sauce.

mmmm....the memory will keep me alive for a day FOREVER!

But this morning I have ALL this energy, hence this post. I have been so tired and sore and exhausted that words were scrambled in my brain. So, I will assert here and now that Taco Bell FUELS your brain. it's um, GOOD FOR you, in it's own yummy cheesy way.

Of course, what happens in blog land STAYS in blog land which is precisely why A) I only tell a privileged few about this blog, and B) why Tunde will never ever know about it.

Needless to say, this little indiscretion is will be recorded in my food diary like this. "lean steak with lettuce, tomato, & corn salad" WELL, it could be true.

So I guess you can assume, that when I blog now, I have probably eaten something, um, energetic.

also...this is me on my diet.

Now, make sure you watch the whole thing. THIS is what makes me want to have kids. Cute chinese kids who play guitars.

TGIF?...uh, no.

I'm not going to discuss Tunde anymore because I just get anxious and depressed. Although I will say that I have him for my "second" session that he coerced me into. AND he did that by the way, at the END of my session, when I my defenses were down. "Judge Judy, I WAS UNDER DURESS!!"

ho hum. I'm only writing this right now because otherwise I look at the clock every 5 minutes, going "Okay. 4 more hours and 10 minutes till I have to go tunde....Okay, 4 more hours and 5 minutes..." and so on.

I woke up at like 4 am and had one of those moments where you go over really random stuff. It starts off innocently enough and then somehow works it's way into a panic attack and then you can't get back to sleep. Mine went like this

"I'm awake. Damn. Why isn't Ambien working tonight? did I take it too early? Should I tell My shrink to give me a higher dose? Then I'd have to spend another $200. sigh. God, I have spent SO MUCH MONEY on my shrink. Also I am now spending money on Tunde. Geez, how much AM I spending now? like per month? Lets see, $800 Shrinky, NOW $800 Tunde, And $400 Lucy (maid) and Coffee...no don't go there. let's seeee, that's 2,000!! on services!! OMG! That's A HOUSE PAYMENT! Not to mention all my other bills! car payment! Utilities! GAS!! DOGFOOD is $150 right there!! DOG TREATS!! I don't even WANT to know how much I spend in treats. WHy do I have DOGS?? No wonder I can't afford a BABY! Maybe I'll NEVER be able to afford a baby! I need to get married just to split this stuff. And also, I could go to PARIS every MONTH for what I'm spending ON MYSELF!!! I mean I COULD HAVE HAD A HOUSE! a whole HOUSE! AHHHHHHHHH....Okay, kk, take a breath. If I had a house instead then I would just be sitting in my DIRTY house, and I'd still be CRAZY and FAT. Okay, okay, so its GOOD that's I'm spending all this. right? RIGHT? At least I have a new car. ahhh...my car....all is well....yawn.

OMG. 3 hours and 55 minutes....

ACT 3: SCENE 2

( "END" of hour and FIFTEEN minute session)

YOU NEED TO DO TWO TIMES A WEEK. NO MORE ONCE A WEEK
( I liked when he just said 3 word sentences)

What?? bbbut....

NO BUT. I NEED TO KEEP MY EYE ON YOU.

I DON'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE IN YOU

But it's only been a WEEK

YES. ONE WHOLE WEEK. NO CHANGE


But I can't afford it

YES YOU CAN.

but...

WRITE THE CHECK. (pause) AND GET ON TREADMILL. 30 MINUTES


WHAT???? But we're DONE!

NO.NO.NO. (chuckles and shakes head)

but...ummm...I didn't put enough time in the meter!!

DON'T PARK ON THE STREET NEXT TIME. PARK IN THE LOT.

Okay! NEXT time I won't. (phew!!)

BUT YOU'RE STILL DOING THE TREADMILL. 30 MINUTES. I'LL GO PUT MONEY IN YOUR METER. YOU WRITE THE CHECK. THEN GET ON THE TREADMILL.

(he exits)

(dumbass girl shakily writes check for TWO sessions a week and gets on treadmill)
**note to self. Use stealth combat psychological tactic on own clients)

I'M WATCHING YOU. DON'T THINK YOU'RE WALKING EITHER.

dread...may turn into dead...

Today is tun-day! HA. get it? HA!

Wait, it's no laughing matter. I woke up this morning all..."ahhh...wednesday. I think I'll go to...oh. yah. shit." I have a feeling of pure dread in the pit of my stomach, not unlike that one time I had to go to court and wasn't sure if the judge would throw me in the pokey. That, and when I knew my dad had run my credit report when I was 20 and the phone was ringing and I knew it was him, even before there was caller ID. Or that time I hid the cat in the mailbox and knew I was just about to get busted cuz I could hear it meowing while everyone was looking for it. Or that time....you get the point.

The fear is two-fold. No, five-fold.

1. Will I get yelled at for my "food diary" where I lied anyway but is STILL BAD? I am not even allowed grapes and bananas! let alone ice cream drumsticks rolled in delicious chopped peanuts and fiiled with caramel sau... ahem.

2. Will I have to do the so called "sprints" and will he make it EVEN worse? like, level 6????

3. Will there be a portrait of me with a powder blue background smiling big in a cheap frame that has a gold plate that says "BARFEE OF THE MONTH"

4. What OTHER "exercises" has he saved up for me?

5. The most obvious...WILL I HOLD MY BREAKFAST DOWN?!?!?!?

HeEeeLLLppPP

M e
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I'll take "Modern Tragedy" for $500....

ALEC: The answer is..."Things that happen to fat people in a gym"

BUZZER

ME: What is puking in a trash can!!

ALEC: That's RIGHT PeeWee! How did you KNOW that?

ME: well Alec, it's funny, well not really funny funny, but funny like wanting to die of embarrassment funny, so really NOT FUNNY AT ALL. You see, it just SO HAPPENS that I was in the bowels of Hell once, otherwise know as The Gym, and this Nigerian Mad Man made me run sprints on the treadmill, and by sprints I mean mini-marathons, and he set the speed at FIVE, AND set the incline at FIVE, Alec. (interject lighthearted chuckle) And as you see Alec, THAT? is what makes people puke in trash cans in the middle of a gym full of people! And when I say "puke" alec, I don't mean that figuratively, I mean that in the "dry heaves after puking up your morning coffee, over and over and over again kind of puke!" ha ha, chuck chuck.

ALEC: Well, THAT sounds fun!

ME: Oh Alec, it WAS fun. Especially when the people working out all around you run like crazy to get away from you. And what's even MORE fun, is when NO ONE even cares or has sympathy, when they just look at you and try NOT to laugh at you. THAT IS SO FUN!

Hawaii Chair

grrrr...

Tunde Just called. I didn't answer. He left a voice message.

HELLO K

THIS IS TUNDE

SEE YOU TOMORROW

YOU BETTER BE SKINNIER

I think I maybe was eating ice cream when I heard that message. I can't remember. But either way. I am terrified.

Not the day to tie the knot in CA...

Today is the first official day that "the gays" in California can get officially married. , This is a huge milestone, and it's all over the news this morning, showing all the city halls flooded with crowds and crowds of gay couples getting married.

Naturally, it's mostly all lesbians rushing the altar. (SO like a woman) And when you see the news coverage, there are lines down the street of these BIG butch lesbians with mohawks, and their tiny brides-to-be.

BUT then, among this parade of biker bitches and rainbow flags and protesters with signs saying "SMILE! SATAN LOVES YOU," was this one little straight couple. All quiet. Keeping a low profile. Poor little straight couple. Boy did THEY choose the wrong day!. Talk about stealing their thunder!

Waaaa Haaaaa

Remember when I used to complain about Jake-the-trainer?

yyyaaaahhhh.

Remember when you were in 4th grade and you thought school was ruining your life? and you couldn't WAIT to be a grown up, only to find how much it sucks to pay rent?

Well, enter Tunde (toon-day). Now close your eyes. go on. close em. Does a vision of a giant black man from South Africa who speaks in only 1 to 3 word sentences appear? The kind of African black man who wins marathons barefoot and moves to America to practice voo doo?

yah, that's him. Only, his "voo doo" is personal training. If you can call it that. It's more like in the movies when the big black African guy who speaks in 3 word sentences comes out of nowhere and says "Hello my friend," and he smiles a kind gentle powerful african smile but then he pulls out his Ak-47 and blows someone's head off.

It's more like THAT.

I'm desperate. I trained with jake on and off for 5 months and GAINED weight because I was putting on muscle and then hitting In 'n Out on the way home. So I became this like, behemoth with strong FAT arms. I thought it was just ME, like I was defective. Like I was Nick Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" except instead of coming home with boxes of tequila, I had the Hostess Family packs. And the Costco size totino's pizza rolls.

So my "friend" was telling me about her trainer and was all "no, he's DIFFERENT. He KNOWS stuff. He KNOWS when I have eaten bread!" And then she threatened that if I didn't schedule an appointment she would stop playing scrabulous with me. (Anyone reading this? LET'S PLAY!) SO I called him.

Which brings me to my point here. HE MUST HAVE WORKED IN AFRICA in their super stealth torture regime. He was probably their "go-to-guy" for the real hard stubborn insurgents.

He makes Jake's sessions seem like a little girl's hopscotch match.

When I got there he was waiting outside. He had NEVER MET ME before and he yells across the parking lot, commencing the first of many 3 words (or less) sentences...

"KRISTIIIIIIIIIN."

My stomach lurched into knots. I seriously gulped. I put on my smiley "I LOVE TO WORKOUT" face, and bouncd up to the stairs and in a way too high voice was all "hiiii-yeee! Nice to meet you!"

"YOU AH LATE." (my session was 1:30. It was 1:29)

(stammering,unsure ) umm, no? I'm...right...on..... time?

YOU. AH. LATE

ummmm...uh...

DO PUSH-UPS NOW (he looks at pavement)

silence from me.

RIGHT HERE. PUSH-UPS.

long awkward silence

.........

..........

..........

(I maybe peed my pants here)

HAHAHA. COME IN!

puts his arm around me, I'm relieved AND terrified. But then huge relief like..."good, phew! this guy is only JOKING! He's funny! He's welcoming me in. I'll probably have to fill out some paperwork...

GET ON ELLIPTICAL.

I'll BE BACK

I hopped on, hit "start" and ellipticalled away. not bad. do-able. Glad he walked away for a bit, give me time to take stuff in...

ONLY LEVEL ONE?

where'd he come from? He was suddenly right by my side, pushing his finger on the "level" button until I couldn't breathe within 10 seconds.

and he hovered. With that weird african voo doo stare.

WHY YOU HERE?

"huh?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"umm, you mean like specifically here? like in personal training? or like personal training with you? specifically?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"um ,well, um, see, I have gained a lot of weight? very recently? umm, since I moved to LA..."

HOW LONG AGO?

"oh, umm, 3 years? ago."

NOT SO RECENT

"well, yah, umm, I mean, I just can't seem to get it off, and well, I have had a trainer, but I still ate a lot, and then Ahsley said I had to come to you so I did. and so, yah." (it was like truth serum had invaded my body)

AH


SO anyway...an hour AND FIFTEEN MINUTES of that plus some other rogue experimental tactics that probably brought down apartheid ensued.

Then he walked me out and said

NO BREAD.

pause

NO SWEETS.

pause

NO CHEESE.

pause

ONE MONTH.

pause.

I. WILL. KNOW.


He looked me RIGHT in the eye as he said all this. He was sealing his voodoo curse. I drove off in terror. I would NEVER be able to not show up, cuz this guy? will FIND ME. Better cancel my pizza and peanut butter delivery before the postman goes mysteriously "missing"

On other news, Tara, my new roommate who moved in last week, moved out. Oh yah, and she was an anorexic alcoholic and had a fake eye. Hence the apple cider vinegar. for the anorexia. not the eye. I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

spread it like you want it...

Go ahead and CLICK HERE and just SEE if you can read all these flavors and go without ordering. go ahead. see.

This brings 'eating peanut butter straight outta the jar' to a WHOLE new level. And I don't even LIKE eating peanut butter outta the jar!

My order will arrive in sync with my pizza delivery . And I swear I'll call JENNY after that.

HAHA...AGAIN...

I have Martha Stewart on for background TV while I play scrabulous on Facebook (I should really get up and DO something like take a walk or plant some summer herbs) (nah) and Martha had this young blonde personal trainer on, and they were lying on a yoga mat preparing to do crunches and the trainer was all....

YOU CAN'T JUST DO ABS, YOU HAVE TO DO ABS AND WATCH WHAT YOU EAT!

and Martha was all...HOW MANY CRUNCHES SHOULD WE DO PER DAY?

and the trainer was all...OH! WELL YOU AND I USED TO DO 500

and martha was all...I STILL DO 500 crunches a day and I STILL HAVE A BIG TUMMY!! (she grabbed her NOT big tummy)

and there was a slight pause and then the trainer goes...THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH GOOD FOOD AROUND HERE!!!


HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. I think what Martha was going for was "NO YOU DON'T MARTHA!"

ahhh, that just cracked me up.

Back to scrabulous...

HAHA

I just ate a sprinkles cupcake for, ummm, lunch. and I went to throw the wrapper on the coffee table and before the wrapper even hit the table maggie had bolted from the other side of the room and INHALED it whole, and then literally did a loud "gulp" sound.

that's my girl!

ps. I don't know WHERE she learned that kind of behavior!

nothing...

I have nothing to say because I just filled up my gas tank for SEVENTY DOLLARS.

SEVENTY.

DOLLARS.

THAT? is the cost of a nice shirt for me. I quite literally feel sick to my stomach. speechless.

Time to get THOSE DOGS in shape!

FINALLY! SOMETHING I WILL ACTUALLY DO I mean I my dogs NEED discipline! and training! and exercise!

It starts June 30, so I better start getting in shape so my own dogs don't out do me in physical fitness, which they SO will. I work THEM out every single morning. A whole hour of hard core running, while I stand there and throw the ball.

I actually went to yoga on saturday. weird huh. I actually DID yoga. There's a new place literally one block away. well, it's not new, I've been passing it everyday on my way to work. But new TO ME. I kept hearing how good it was and my friend called me that morning saying he was going, and as he was telling me that, I was shoving last night's pizza in my mouth. Then I figured, HEY, I better go!

Two things.
#1 the teacher asked everyone if they had any injuries. BIG MISTAKE. DON'T EVER OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.

YOGA GUY: my hamstring is bothering me.

YOGA GIRL: I hurt my shoulder a few days ago, but it should be okay.

ANNOYING YOGA CHICK FROM HELL: Well, I just lost my job, so I feel stressed and tired. I have interviews next week, which helps, but also makes me feeling nervous this morning too. but I'm also hopeful, because I have worked hard an am TALENTED so I feel the universe has good things in store, but it's just hard because I just don't KNOW what's in store, and THAT's the hard part, you know?

a beat...

AYCFH: I mean, that's what yoga teaches me, so I'm glad I'm here. Sigh. REALLY GLAD I'm here. Because my body just needs to be reassured, and to RELAX and I mean, i even got a massage yesterday, but it's just not the same a yoga, you know? Energetically i just need to MOVE through some stuff.....

I tuned out after that because, she DID go on. Part of me was glad though, because every minute she talked, was one less minute of having to do hard yoga.

#2 IF YOU ARE TEACHING A TWO HOURclass you need to WARN people!! also she chanted.

But it WAS a good hard class, surprisingly. It's just that this studio attracts SO MANY hippie yoga people who want to SHARE their feelings. Like, they're just being cheap moochers, because, people! THAT'S WHAT SHRINKS ARE FOR!!!

Put a little smile on your face this morning...

This is THE cutest thing EVER. make sure you watch the video too...PRICELESS.

Maggie, for the record, would NEVER do that. She didn't get the maternal instinct. in fact when I brought Mick home at 6 weeks, he immediately tried to nurse from her, and she not only looked at him like "WTF?" but also kicked him away with her hind legs. repeatedly.

WHole other note...This girl from chicago took my classes in Tulum, she wasn't part of our group, but she was crusty and we all loved her immediately. Well, as a 'thank you' she shipped me a Malnati's chicago pizza! Woohoo! I wasn't THAT excited because I have been to chicago and wasn't crazy about their pizza, and also, how good can a frozen pizza be? However, I immediately put it in the oven and I will say here and now, it was THE BEST PIZZA I have EVER had!! In fact, i may even order a couple more for a treat. I am also planning these for different presents. Seriously, when you don't know what to get someone, GET THESE!! They seem expensive, but I promise they're WORTH it! Trust me. (even though I eat hostess stuff)

HAPPY DONUT DAY!

What are YOU gonna do to celebrate this most sacred of days?? I mean, you know, everyone needs to do THEIR PART. And for my part I made us a little song...


TOTAL ECLAIR OF THE HEART
by kk

Fryaround, every now and then I get a
little bit hungry and you're never open la-ate.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of eatin' all that bran cereal.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the donuts are gone.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the fritters in the window.

Fryaround maple bars, Every now and
then I eat hostess.
Fryaround maple bars, EVERY NOW AND THEN I
EAT HOSTESS!



Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something fri-ied.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry cuz someone ate the Jelly filled and then li-ied
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the dozen size box.

Fryaround chocolate twists, Every now and
then I pull apar-art
Fryaround chocolate twists, EVRY NOW AND THEN I PULL APART!

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only let me take a bite
We'll be fryin' on forever
And we'll only be making 'em right
Cause we'll never frost wrong together
We can take it to the front of the line
Your rainbow sprinkle is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always eatin' in the dark
We're living in a Winchelle's and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight



Once upon a time I was buying a twist
But now I'm gonna buy a fry cart
There's nothing I can do
A total Eclair of the heart
Once upon a time there were buttermilk bars in my life
But now there's only glazed in the park
Nothing I can say
A total Eclair of the heart

HAVE A HAPPY DONUT DAY! SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL DONUT SHOPPE! WE CAN DO THIS!

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!! FOR REAL....why don't they tell us this stuff?

Tomorrow is National Donut Day! Talk about the BEST. HOLIDAY. EVER. (Sorry baby Jesus, maple glazed beats world salvation) I feel like this is the one thing that has been missing my hole life (HA! get it!?) I am making it my new mission in life to MAKE SURE this holiday gets the proper recognition. I will be successful as soon as I see a hallmark card about it.

In the meantime, this gives my utah readers JUST enough time to fed-ex me a dozen from Banbury Cross. Rainbow sprinkle, maple bars and chocolate old fashioned please.

And Since I now OWN THIS I can return the favor when anyone comes to visit! And/or take you to STAN's Donuts, which is NOTHING compared to banbury Cross, but is the best LA has to offer.

New Roommate

HA! not her. I just posted her so in case you were sitting down with your egg McMuffin and checking my plucky blog, you might choke and spew coffee. You know, just a little morning humor!

I rented out my guest room for the summer, and this girl was a friend of a friend in NY. Well, not even a friend, she was a fellow washington square dog park-er so immediately I knew 2 things.

1) she would be crazy. medicate-able, but still.

2) she could have hippie genes in her buried somewhere.


Last night i came home from work and she had unpacked some stuff. I sniffed around everything more than the dogs did. I became nervous when I saw organic items in the fridge from whole foods. Not just organic, but ORGANIC stuff that looks foreign, like it was packaged by a little old chinese lady in her hut on her farm where she grows exotic medicinal herbs.

There were 'vitamins' I had never heard of. Vitamins that were spelled with letters AND numbers. little bottles of creepy looking liquids where the lid is a dropper. I opened the cupboards to find "salmon jerky" ( I mean. REALLY?) and the biggest bottle of organic apple cider vinegar I have ever seen.

uh oh.

I looked for ANY sign of a hostess product.

So I called out "Tara?" (I needed more info here) and she came out of her room and we were both all "Hiiiiiii"

"Hiiiiiiii"

ME: I'm so glad you're here! Did you, um, find everything okay? (trying to peer over her shoulder to see what's in her room)(if there was incense we'd have to have a "talk")( I never had her sign a lease for this very reason)(see? People's court ain't just for entertainment)

HER: YAH! It's so great here!

ME: good! Well, you know if you need anything or have any questions feel free to ask :) I'll be watching TV...I watch A LOT of TV! ha ha chuck chuck ( didn't want to give TOO many details here, like WHAT I watch on TV...just puttin' feelers out here) Do You?

HER: Well, I didn't have cable in New York...

(I think I fell over dead her and she had to revive me. I don't know because my mind went blank. Was there running water where she's from? HUGE. RED. FLAG. I went right back to the time I got a roommate in Utah, and she came over and said she'd be moving in her SNAKES that weekend but don't worry because they'll stay in their snake cage, which she had custom built as a coffee table, you know, so you could put your feet up on the snake cage while watching the evening news....)

HER:....I just was never home and when I was I would just rent whole dvd series of Law and order and anything else like it.

ME: !!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (One plus for her!)

HER: yah. it would get bad because I wouldn't go out all weekend, I'd just pull the curtains closed and watch back to back law and order ALLL DAY. I couldn't stop!

sister? are you my real long lost sister?

ME: Yah, I do that too!

MASSIVE conversation ensued about Law and Order do's and don'ts and every other TV series in the world. I was in heart with her. The hippie food I had witnessed earlier I had shoved into the back of my brain.


ME: (making good segue into food) So we have GREAT delivery stuff around....u vegetarian? ( I said this SO nonchalantly, but on the inside it was, I imagine what it feels like for a guy to propose, and that space in between the asking and the yes/no)

HER: NO! are you?


ME: (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF)(The blood and color came back to my face) NOOO! no. I was just curious, you know, I mean, I totally don't CARE if you are, I mean, lots of people are, I have friends who are, and I'm totally FINE with it. I mean. i have been vegetarian before (chocodiles have no meat products) and I LOVE vegetables and all. Just wondering.

HER: yah...well I just went shopping so if you want any of it, I got a big bottle of apple cider vinegar and some Kefir and salmon jerky. So if you want any, help yourself!

ME: Oh. Oh! that's soooooo sweet of you. I mean, I brought dinner, but uh, thanks. sooooo what do you do with the apple cider vinegar? I mean is it a drink, orrrrr, a condiment to your salmon jerky?

HER: I just drink it with each meal because it's supposed to be really good for your stomache.

I almost puked at the thought of it.

ME: mmmm. I think I've heard something like that before. But unfortunately, I am totally allergic to apple cider vinegar. It's a weird like family thing. vinegar. yah, my mouth itches and stuff when I have it. ( I say this with grave disappointment like I was saying i was allergic to coffee) But thanks!

she is SO not my sister. But whatever, to each his own. I wonder if this is the kind of disappointment a parnet feels when their children don't turn out the way they'd hoped. When perfect little bobby comes home in a pink dress, or when little amy sue gets arrested for her porn ring in 6th grade.


That was day ONE. This morning I came back from the park and the whole house REEKS of apple cider vinegar. So I made coffee and I am sitting here in my den drinking coffee hoping the smell of coffee would trump the ACV and it does not. In fact my stomach is churning because I am drinking coffee and inhaling APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. What? did she spray it around the house? I can't escape it.

AHHHHHHH!


She's super nice and cute, but how am I going to get over this!? And in THE MORNING?! WHO DRINKS APPLE CIDER VINEGAR IN THE MORNING!!

This will be interesting. maybe it's just the thing I need to get me outta the house, and KEEP me out. She better deliver on the TV end though.

Welcome to Barkingham Palace, please leave your shoes at the door.

I went shopping online for extra deluxe dog beds in an effort to MAYBE keep them off the furniture. pfff...right. I was shocked to see how insanely expensive they are now. And quite frankly, how insane they are in general. CHeck out this one. Next thing out...the kraft-matic-adjustable bed for dogs.

I bought the mini-couch looking one. It was between that and the pillow top one. I went with the couch one because I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PILLOW TOP BED!! And I purchased it with GREAT hesitation. I mean. really, they only deserve the Costo special. But the thing is, costco beds are SO UGLY! They'll probably still lie on the couch, but at least I tried.

Here were some other favorites that made me laugh out loud...





Oh, that last one cracks me up...I almost want to buy it just to laugh. God, If I got them one of these beds, next thing you know they'd be lying around waiting for me to feed them grapes while they read US weekly with mimosas.

Oh, and if you EVER come visit me and I actually HAVE one of these bad boys, it's time for an intervention.

Oh, and PS....If I buy two of the mini couch ones, they would total the same price as my regular couch. nice.

working dogs...

Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer says dogs NEED a job. That they are seriously unhappy unless they have a JOB to do, a job where they get to work A LOT.

hmmm.



I am thinking, given the choice, Mick and Maggie would be perfectly HAPPY on welfare, living in a double wide, getting drunk off the snausages they buy with their food stamps, and giggling themselves into a frenzy when they watch dog whisperer, convincing themselves that they DO work, work on creating the next great screenplay. They are ARTISTS. And artists work to CREATE. And how? can they create when they have to have a stupid job. Anyways, they say. they are SMARTER that those Caesar Dogs. Way Smarter. And then it's time for a nap. Because artists need their rest.

Cesar also says dog's energy matches their owners.

hmmph.

CLEARLY he doesn't know EVERYTHING.

My six degrees away from fame...still milkin it...

You know where she's going? any idea? any?

MY YOGA CLASS! She is on her way to see ME! That's the escalator up to MY CLASS!!

I better stay by her side now as she enters and leaves so I can be in the background.

someday. someday.

Oh, and by the way I DID NOT TAKE these pictures. I didn't have my camera that day would NEVER stalk someone like that!

I'm back. blah.

Well, I suppose the one good thing about being on american soil is that I can now post pics.

oh, and my dogs. there's that.

I'll start with boring pics that everyone takes on their vacations....except mine was a WORKING vacation let's not forget. And then they will get excitingly better!


"HEY! Check out those drunks yoga people on the beach!!"


This is a VERY important picture of the TACO TRUCK!!! I ate about 30 tacos in 24 hours. What? they were little!...and $1, which made it VERY easy to keep ordering. And plus, sometimes we ordered quesadillas, and those don't count.



Stalk-a-razzi 101. It's a start. You can run Kate, but you can't hide.

Told you it would get better!! And if I could have taken a picture of the mexican version of the twinkie, called "tuinky" I would have.

PS. To all the women over 40 who go off on yoga retreats because you want to dress in tight yoga clothes and pretend to be youthful again....

pigtails? no.

no hablo mexican computeros

It is very very VERY hard for me to navigate my blog here when ALL the words are in mexican. It took me 3 clicks just to figure out how to sign on. It didn't do that the other day. I guess my computer has defected to mexico and I don't know it yet. He's all "mi nuevo nombre es 'Juan Mac de guadalupe."

I can't even figure out how to upload pictures. Muy weird.

Kate Bosworth left. Guess she couldn't handle the place. She and her 'model' boyfriend who isn't NEARLY as cute as Orlando, cute out 2 days early. They were supposed to stay until today. They were fighting. I smell a breakup. You heard it here first folks, you heard it here first!

Just another ordinary monday...

on the beach.

I'm now in Maya Tulum. This is supposedly "work" I wish all work weeks were like this.

There's another yoga retreat group here. I My group makes fun of them endlessly. They're doing a Juice fast for a whole day and my group decided that was the day they'd have pizza delivered. I create SUCH a peaceful environment. Seriously that WAS my their idea. Good thing I don't teach kindergarten, eh?

By the way, kate Bosworth is here too. And she's NOT here with Orlando!! Makes me remember I need to invest in a telephoto lens so I can sell pics to In Touch and US weekly. I would be RICH! Stars think they can go to some remote location and be around non-confrontational yogis, instead of stalkers...guess again kate, guess again.

Playa del gained 5 lbs

I'm in Playa del carmen. Beach is beautiful blah blah.

BUT did you know they have NUTELLA gelato and double sided chocolate AND vanilla oreoS...I Cant put a question mark there because for some reason this mexican keyboard doesnt have one...ditto on apostrophes...SO let me explain. ONE side of the oreo is a vanilla cookie, the other side is a chocolate cookie!!! Mexicans are so crafty!

tacos kick ass too!

Como se dice "I'm moving to Mexico"

I am sitting here in Mexico City, well in the airport anyway. But you know, the airport counts, now I will, in polite conversations with well travelled people's say "ooohhh yah! I LOVE Mexico City!!"

Here's Why I Love Mexico city airport. When we were waiting for our luggage, there were, HELPERS! Actual live people who were there to HELP us. Sure, they didn't speak english, but whatev's. THEN I went to get a cart, and it was a whole DOLLAR, and not only THAT but there was a guy there taking the dollar and putting it in the machine and getting your cart FOR YOU.

And at this one restaurant they BRING TO YOUR TABLE a little mini coat rack for your purses and jackets. TO YOUR TABLE. AND they also bring the credit card machine TO YOUR TABLE and do it all right there. WHY are WE not modernized like this? And we call THEM lazy mexicans! pfft! Dumbass americans. I mean, it's not rocket science to make things convenient, you know?

Also? Starbucks is sooo cute here, and they say stuff like "blahblahblahblahblahmexicantalkmexicantalk" and I just hand over my credit card and nod and smile. I cheated my way through 8th grade spanish. oops.


GREETINGS FROM DOWNTOWN MEXICO CITY airport WISH YOU WERE HERE!

Just a few things to make fun of....Because that's the depth of my character

I'm sorry, but If I saw anyone walking down the street in this...I would have to actually point and laugh. WHO would wear this? You also have to wear a harness with it so it'll attach...comfy. practical. I totally want to carry a harness and this bad boy around town, IN CASE IT RAINS.





Also? who would bike around in the rain and keep their HEAD dry while their, umm, SUIT gets soaked? Oh, just these pics make me giggle. I just HOPE that I get to see one in person someday.


The real horror? She probably picked this out because it was her BEST outfit. Like the NYC garden patio though.

After I write this, i'm gonna go train for that triathalon...

I just googled myself because I am bored and I was wondering what would come up. The GREAT thing is that the yoga stuff comes up, but also there is another person out in the world who is like my alternate universe person. She is a lawyer and a water polo and Triathalon champion! YAY ME! No one will even KNOW that it's not me. They'll be all "whoa! My yoga instructor is AMAZING!" I wonder if the other KK watches people's court too!?!? I MUST become her penpal!

Oh also, what randomly comes up is that I won first place is the Los Amigos Horse Show, and i just wanted you all to know that THAT one is ME. For real. I did win a first place blue ribbon. TWICE. Sure, I was the only entry, and the judges snickered when they gave it to me, cuz I didn't get ONE thing right. I think I've actually blogged about this before. Well, at least my early dementia will be accurately documented for the 'professionals' for their 'case study'

monday monday...

Oh. It's tuesday. Is it old age that makes me get the days mixed up? or just my sloth like lifestyle where one tv show flows into the next, until I don't even know the days unless it's "IDOL NIGHT" or "TOP CHEF NIGHT" I better make some summer plans pronto because once reruns start I won't know which MONTH it is!

ho hummm. I guess I should be packing for Mexico, but that would be, what's the word? I think it's french or, or, latin?

oh, ORGANIZED.

I better spell check that since I don't think I've ever even written it before. It's up there with other foreign language words like "energetic" and "responsible" and "friendly" and "productive"

THIS one is called "stereotypes" hahahaha! I thought it was hilarious. no?

World's Most Boring Movie Ever.

This is what passes for entertainment in my house.

You think this is bad? wait 'till you see what passes for 'politics' around here.

Maybe we'll see you at Sundance '09?

ps. Maggie is PISSED that she didn't get the starring, or even CO-starring role. (NOBODY PUTS MAGGIE IN THE CORNER! NOBODY!) She won't say it in public, but she was an extra. Just an extra.

pps. Wonder what I do all day between my clients in the morning, and my one class at night? Aside from Tivo-ing People's Court? Take this movie, times about a thousand. That's what I do.

ppps. I will NEVER tell how long this "movie" took me to make. Never.

Find a penny pick it up, and all the day you'll have...good stamp

You Are a Brownie Cheesecake

A little chunky and a little gooey, you pretty much run on sugar! You take hedonism to the extreme.. And people love you for it.

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

Chunky? how rude!

(HA! Dede...we're the same! But, of COURSE we are! too funny. Did you answer the question that said "what do you do at parties?" with "hover by the by the food table." I did! )

Cheesecake aside (mmmm....cheeeesecake) (lunch anyone?) (oh, and my favorite is cheesecake factory, either the snickers, or the turtle, or the peanut butter cookie dough, or or or....) ahem...

what was I saying? oh yah, is anyone else OUTRAGED that the post office RAISED the price of stamps AGAIN by....

drum roll please...

ONE PENNY.

yep. I had to go buy 100 ONE CENT STAMPS today, because LAST WEEK I bought a roll of 100 stamps at costco. (they never mentioned the price hike that was to take place in the next 2 days. Thanks Costco! for pawning off your OLD stamps on me!...which are only 25 cents cheaper....FOR THE WHOLE 100!)

I almost fell over when I went to send in all my bills and the little asian postal employee shoved my bills back at me and said,not very kindly either, "would you like to buy ONE CENT stamp?" And I was all "nooooo, why would I want to do THAT? Do you guys even MAKE one cent stamps? is that like some new promotion to 'save the penny' or something?" and he yelled through his bullet proof glass(really loud for a little asian guy if you ask me) (well, come to think of it I HAVE heard the cooks scream quite loudly behind the steam tables at Panda Express) "YOU CANNOT SEND LETTER WITHOUT ONE CENT STAMP. THESE OLD STAMP. YOU NEED TO ADD NEW ONE CENT STAMP!!!"

He actually scared me a little, so I was a little startled and not in my regular fighter mode and I was like "umm, I guess. I uhh....ummmm....I mean, I j j j JUST bought these stamps, like a whole hundred of em a few days ago...are you sure....

"WHERE YOU GET THESE STAMP?!?! (I think he even spit on them he was SO disgusted with my old stamps) THESE STAMP NOT FROM HERE! THESE OLD STAMP. WE HAVE NEW STAMP! (yahhhh...i got that part dude)

And then I was all "but i just bought..."

"HOW MANY OLD STAMP YOU BUY?" YOU BUY ONE HUNDRED OLD STAMP?! I DON'T KNOW WHO SELL YOU OLD STAMP, BUT NOW YOU NEED NEW ONE CENT STAMP! HOW MANY?!"


okee dokee.


"ummm, I guess I'll need like, umm, (I was trying to calculate how many I had already used, you know, from YESTERDAY) maybe, ummm, like, 95?

"OKAY! NINETY FIVE ONE CENT STAMP!"
( he said this like I had just won an auction)

As he was ringing me up for the stamps and my other packages,and I started recovering from his "postal" behavior (HA! HA! 'postal' HA!) I began to get back to my real pissy self-righteous, consumer minded self. I mean BUYING one cent stamps? is RIDICULOUS! And because there was a world of bullet proof glass between the two of us, I said, "hey. I bet it costs more to print those one cent stamps than it
does to have to buy them. Seems like an awful lot of waste to me. Just sayin' "

I scampered away before he started yelling at me again.

Scampered away and LEFT MY 95 ONE CENT STAMP...S!

yoga burnout...

Wow...this is the THIRD one in a row having to do with yoga. Sure, that's all I do because I have no life, dogs and yoga, yoga and dogs. oh, and TV. loooootttttsssss of TV.

HOWEVER it can't go unwritten that last night, for about the fifth time in my "career" some assclown came in wearing his 'jack trippers' (shorty shorts) WITH NO LINING! That would mean, that when I walked behind him while he was in down-dog, with one leg up in the air, I got a FULL Playgirl shot, and I was NOT expecting it. I almost screamed and ran away. There is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING nastier than a sweaty upside down view of a dude's cobblers hangin out. NOTHING! I stayed on the other side of the room the rest of the time. I swear, I am scarred for life when this stuff happens. It's like that image gets seared into my brain and will pop up while I'm innocently driving, or or, trying to meditate...good thing I never do that...or just whenever! THIS? is why I don't watch horror movies. I just wanted to be all "put that thing away old man!"

AT the beginning of class too, one of my regulars who always acts like he's one of the 'group' and always sits in the front row, with the "cool kids," if you will, only he isn't. he's weird. creeps me out just a little and I can't explain why. So I sit down waiting for class to begin, and he says "I can TELL you're feeling better" and I go "uh, yep, I do feel better. My cough is finally mellowing out" and he was all "no, I mean I can tell you're FEELING better. Like, you're BACK. Energetically. I can TELL. Your energy is BACK!" and then I was all "no. I just had coffee. My ENERGY is still crusty"

WTF? You don't KNOW ME! And don't act like you're all Madame Mystery and you can READ my energy. Cuz if you COULD you'd know how much you creep me out!!

Seriously, I may need to switch careers. I love teaching yoga but I am getting SO SICK of people. People and their wallywackers hangin' out and their 'energy' and their 'patchouli'

I was so annoyed that I went home, and the next thing I know I've taken down a cookie the size of my head.

Stupid yoga people. It's a good thing Drew Barrymore sometimes comes to class, (and yes, i will mention her name continuously, until you want to puke) She is my mantra for when I want to punch these people in their energetic faces.

yoga stripper

I have a client who lives in a fancy schmancy high rise condo building in Westwood. He's like in his late 60's at best, and he is super nice and French. And his wife is British and The cutest thing in the whole world. I need to get pics of them but I don't know how to do that just yet. After a super challenging yoga session, she pops up, takes a deep breath and says "oh...THAT was just LOVELY! I feel SPLENDID!"

Anyway, Their building has a front desk person that you have to check in with each time. Well, there's this new guy. He's a SLICK Brotha. You can tell he wants to be an actor. He wears his slick pinstripe Men's Warehouse suit, red tie, and shiny black shoes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Same coat, same tie, same slicked back hair. He's extra chatty, which you all know i JUST LOVE. Waiting for his big break when a PRODUCER walks into the building. He acts like this condo building is the Ritz Carlton. And now, after seeing him for 3 or 4 times, He is acting EXTRA friendly. Sure, it could be my big badonka donk trunk, which the brothas love. But what I suspect is that he is noticing that I am there for one hour every morning, and he thinks I am some sort of low rent stripper or whore. Because this morning as he walked me to the elevator he said "It's a FINE FINE day, have fun with the mister!" wink wink. I didn't get it at first. Then as I walked out, he says "All done? Have a FINE FINE DAY!" and gave me a look that said "I get it. we in this togetha sista"

Oh brother. the THINGS I have to deal with. I hope this guy finds a new job soon.

just a little chuckle...

I *heart* yoga

This total high maintenance hippie yoga idiot came into my class this morning. I just KNEW she'd be trouble. ( Ummm, a quilted crushed velvet floor length skirt? No.) The more "hippie'd" out and "yoga" looking they are, the worse it's gonna be. Plus, from the front of the room, I could SMELL her patchouli oil and sage smoke. Also, come ON...if you're gonna sport the whole "i'm a hippie" thing you can't, you just CAN'T belong to a gym that costs $175 per month.

So she lays down her hemp woven yoga mat and sets her ankle bracelet-ed and toe-ringed feet onto her mat, and begins to meditate. That was her FIRST faux-pas. we do NOT MEDITATE in my class. pfft! who does she think I am? The Dalai Lama?

Then we start class and we begin with Plank pose, which is basically a push-up position, and she immediately comes out of it and just sits there. I figure she has some shoulder injury or an old acid flashback. I walk over to her and just say "do you have an injury?" and she gets all doe-eyed and says "um, well, yes. sort of. I have this knee injury,kind of, but it's PERSONAL."

Uh, What?

Now, if you have scabies, or a hammer toe, a mental disorder, a lazy eye, or... or... a missing testicle, I DO NOT expect you divulge that information because THAT is personal. But leave it to hippie skirt to be all dramatic and mysterious about HER KNEE INJURY. Her KNEE INJURY while she was in PLANK pose, a pose that does not use the knees.

I let her be. plus I couldn't smell her anymore. I was getting dizzy and high off her fumes. She then proceeded to do every other pose that involved knees, even the super hard stuff. hmpphh. Knee Injury my ass. Then whenever she would do a pose, she forgot she was in a corporate owned yoga class, and in a true 'shroom style flashback, thought she was at the improv on interperative dance night.

My regular students started inching their mats away. I've trained them well. (mine is a style of love and acceptance, IF you don't smell and act weird)

Then after class she hovers over me and I can tell she wants to talk. I dread these moments as a teacher. I don't want to TALK to anyone after class. I want to just get my ipod/phone, check my email, and be outta there as fast as possible. (unless you're hot) (or, drew Barrymore)

HER: HI! I was just wondering, my low back has been hurting me a lot, and you said if your low back hurts not to bend forward a lot. Soooooo. you know. is that true?

ME: (curt) uh huh.

HER: yahhhhh, I mean the weird thing IS that I HAVE been bending forward to stretch my back and it's been getting so.much.worse!

ME: (patience. practice patience here. If I don't answer her concisely she will never leave) Well, yah, I'm not a doctor and I have no idea why your back is hurting, but generally speaking for low back pain, bending forward is not the best. (smile, dismissive nod)

HER: WOW! I would have never realized that because my back has been hurting so I guess it was the forward bending! Wow.


wow!


soooo. Wow.


ME: yah, so just maybe lay off the double final clearance section at Anthropologie forward bending and see if it helps! (cheerful, hopeful, yet dismissive)

HER: soooo wow! okay! then, so what SHOULD I DO? like, if I'm not bending forward, (as she says this, she demonstrates the forward bend) then what stretches should I do?


ME: (how do I get RID of her?) Umm, you know, some easy back bending would help, like bridge pose.

HER: sooooo WOW! I could just go back! (she giggles, don't know why and then she demonstrates a backbend) like just lean back like this?! (then she contorts herself into something that may break her actual spine)

ME: umm, sure yah, whatever makes it feel better! (one foot out the door...almost there...)

HER: COOL! wow! (still contorting herself backwards) so If I just do less forward bending, (bends forward again) then it should be better! Thanks...I'll try that and see...


ME: (I cut her off) You're WELCOME! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! Oh, and take care of that hallucinogenic drug problem knee injury!

Oh Thank Heaven, for 7-Eleven!

Guess who came to MY class again?

hmmmm...


wait for it....



wait for it.....


Okay, it was Drew. AND she actually followed me in the parking lot, RAN to catch up to me, AND said "oh my GOD I'm SO glad you're here! I came on tuesday and it was someone else!"

I wonder if this is what Mother Teresa felt when she won the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not here to brag, I myself am BARELY able to keep my shit together and act normal when she is standing about 2 feet away from me.

THE PROBLEM is that when she came to class the FIRST day, I pulled out all my best moves/sayings. It was like my greatest hits yoga album. And I only have ONE. SO I was scrambling for NEW profound things to say and then I heard myself quoting Cesar Millan and knew I had then crossed the boundaries from "best yoga teacher in my life" to "this chick is a total nut job" So then I just made the class SUPER hard so she'd forget what a dumbass I had been.

Totally other note, I seriously need to lose weight. NOW. I think I may have just crossed over from linebacker status to being able to play John Travolta's role in Hairspray

It's not my fault though. I have been sick for like 4 months. and sick=no work outs+comfort foods=15 more pounds or so. I don't wanna know what the "or so" is just yet. PLUS I never go to NY one month apart. Usually it's like 10 days every 5 months, and when I am in NY I HAVE to go to all my favorite NY food spots that don't exist in LA all in one week. Like...

Cupcakes, bagels (every morning) (just the bagels) (except for when sometimes it's the cupcakes too) Pizza slices, lasagna AND fettucini, hot dogs, chinese dumplings from "the dumpling guy", gelato that is SO good I always get THREE scoops. (in my defense here, it's three flavors that HAVE to go together, so if they made like, ONE flavor that incorporated all three, I would just get one scoop) (riiiightt) and vietnamese bun Xao noodles (I can't even begin to describe these they are SO GOOD!)

And that's just the FIRST 3 days....then I repeat...

SO going to NY that close together was problematic.

PLUS when I ran into 7-eleven tonight to see if they had NY-quil I Tripped over a package of Hostess ZINGERS! There they were, just RIGHT in the middle of the aisle. weird, huh!? I thought they didn't even MAKE those anymore!! SO of course they practically THREW themselves into my arms. And now I'm in fear that every single time I drive by a 7-eleven it's going to be a battle. I used to have 7-eleven issues when they first came out with their version of taquitos (YUMMMMM) I literally would drive to new Jersey on my way to target and I would PLAN on driving by just to get those damn taquitos. And before THAT it was corn nuts. CORN NUTS! I swear, 7-11 is the store for foods that never die.

ah well, it could be worse. i could be going in there to buy me a 40 ouncer of michelob. I mean. that's WORSE, right?

hey dad...Take a look at your future. Like in a few weeks.

Thanks Dede! I was CRACKING UP!!

I am 448 months old!!!

I decided to take a last minute trip to NYC and you know, I thought since I was already sick, that HEY! I'll get on a plane and it'll ALL FLY AWAY.

Wrong.

Aside from the fact that I probably infected the entire row 7, A through C, I also decided that WITH a bad cough, I would teach a yoga workshop here. Because TALKING for 2 hours in a row is a GREAT idea when you have asthmatic bronchial death flu.

BUT the upside? is that because I was taking SO much advil & mucinex (seriously a GREAT product, albeit a bit spendy) and Advair (a steroid inhaler for asthmatics and/or 90 yr old chronic smokers) that when I went to get my na na waxed, it didn't even hurt! woooohoooo!

Also, what I love about New York, and it never disappoints, is the way people are with their dogs or kids. Like for instance, at the bagel store this morning, this dad had a screaming child that he was trying to drag out, and someone was all "ohhhhh, what a cutie....how old are YOU?" and the dad says "twenty five months!"

Okay, for starters, after 23 months, YOU CAN'T SAY YOUR CHILD'S AGE IN MONTHS. It's just really annoying, because you are FORCING people to do math. When a child turns TWO, it is TWO....and until the child is 2 and a HALF can you say ANYTHING else about their two-ness. After TWO, you may only state full years or half years for your child. Now, once the kid is 5 and can speak for itself, THE KID can then answer cute stuff like "I'm five and three quarters" but NOT THE PARENT.

Also, 25 months? really? When does the little precious turn 26 months? does a stranger REALLY care how many MONTHS your kid is? It's like if you have a baby, or a puppy, you can be all "he's 12 weeks old" and after that, there are no more "weeks." You have passed the acceptable time for weeks, so there is no "he's 13 weeks old." Because all of this presumes that WE CARE.

I dunno, it just seemed, ummmm, what's the word....OBNOXIOUS.

And that's the news for today folks!

PS. My precious Mick is 9 months old today!

whiner

Of course I woke up with a BAD sore throat....AGAIN. And the chills. waaahaaa. Isn't this THE MOST boring post ever? Okay, but here's this...



Did I ever mention that two weeks ago Drew Barrymore came to my yoga class, and said, and I quote "that was THE BEST class of my entire life?" Yep. Just you all wait until I appear in US weekly as yoga teacher to the stars! THEN my life will be complete. And THEN I can write about cool stuff and not have to post endless gratuitous pictures of my pets.

I have a headache too.

I'm gonna go back to bed now.