Perils of a yoga teacher, Book 6, Chapter 1:You reap what you sow...

I JUST got home from teaching a class tonight. There MUST be something in the yogic air, because I am NOT EVEN KIDDING when I tell you that after class I went into the bathroom to, well, to pee, and I ran into a woman who just took class, TOTALLY NAKED with HUGE fake boobs....no towel or anything. She had, apparently, just whipped off her clothes after class, and pranced around the locker room.

I tried to book it with my head down to the stalls, but OF COURSE she stops midway to the sink and TALKS TO ME. shitshitshitshit.

"OH MY GAAWWWDDDD...that was THE hardest class!' she's just standing there, her fake boobs floating on her chest, they are SO HIGH UP that I couldn't even NOT see them as I tried to FREEZE my eyes on hers.

"WHEN ELSE DO YOU TEACH?!?" I felt like an 8th grade boy at his first nudie bar. I didn't know what to say or where to look. I think her left nipple actually poked me in the eye.

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A CLASS LIKE THAT! IT WAS FUN. I MEAN I'VE DONE YOGA AT A STUDIO WHERE......." My mind was a complete blank. WHO? is this woman!! My heart was thumping out of my chest. I think it was scared of the giant boobs across the way, like they were big threatening bullies who were all "WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU AND WE WILL CUT YOU"

This is my payback, I was thinking, for all my bitching about the hippies and the beatniks and using the word 'retarded' WAY too many times. This was the dalai lama smacking me around. So naturally I begged to my REGULAR god. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE baby jesus....MAKE her go away!!! Remember when I was in the Bell Choir? When I went to Bible Camp ? When I played wise man #3 in the Nativity scene? Even though I accidentally on purpose pulled Molly Burns' hair because she got to be Mary...

FInally I heard the words... "WELL THANKS! I'LL BE THERE EVERY WEEK.

I feel like a fugitive at my own Job. I avoid all the students as it is. I get there only minutes before class, and I bolt before everyone else, unless a velvet clad tree hugger blocks my way (they're good at that) (SORRY GOD!) I don't even feel safe in my own home. I've been scarred. When the chinese delivery came just now I was seriously expecting to open the door and he'd be all "you wanna nookie nookie in your fortune cookie" while wearing nothing but a samurai sword and a take-out menu.

I'm exhausted. I suppose this would be what SOME people call Karma. But then I don't believe in Karma, cuz then, can you imagine what would happen to meter maids??

Things that MAKE MY DAY!!

A woman came up to me in line at whole foods ( I ONLY go there for cheese puffs vitamins. And she was of some foreign country, sweden maybe? Total tourist. And she had some fruit rolls in her hand and she came up to me (I musta looked safest from the hemp dreadlocked mom's who were whipping out there boobs to breast feed) and she was like "where are ze cigarettes?" and I practically dropped my VITAMINS on the floor. The moms practically spit farm harvested soy milk on her and turned their patchouli organic cotton diapered baby's away ( i am not even kidding) And I was like " I don't THINK they have cigarettes here. They MIGHT, but I doubt it." And she looked at me puzzled. "non?" and incredulous. I was like "i know. i know. (as IF I ever smoked, but I knew our entire conversation was bugging EVERYONE in line so I hammed it up) they SHOULD have cigarettes here, but they don't. it's WEIRD.(shrug shoulders) But I know you can GET CIGARETTES next door at CVS." I don't even know if she understood me. But the organic mommies sure did. I also just kept repeating the word CIGARETTE loudly as many times as I could fit in a sentence. ahhh. You just don't get opportunities like that every day.

brand new soft white tee shirts

brand new soft white socks

people who trip right in front of you, but they don't totally fall and they try to recover, but they end up wobbling all over, then do a small jog, and then they try to be cool about it.

Brand new shoe smell right when you open the box. The more expensive the shoe, the better the smell. The more expensive the shoe when you just spent your gas bill on them, the WAY more intoxicating the smell. aahhhhh.

when there's not one but TWO of your favorite show on, new episodes, back to back.

when the starbucks guy DOESN'T charge you for vanilla syrup.

So far, so good. But I do have to drive to the airport today. Maybe I'll win a free trip to paris! or or maybe Someone will try to cut me off and run into the divide!

perils of a yoga teacher, book 5, chapter 6

I had my old client today, he's like i dunno, 72 or something, and I went to adjust him in this hip opener pose, and he was wearing these slick pants and my hand fully slipped and....well....you can tell where this is going. And it isn't good. I about died, said "ohmygodSORRY" and he was like "no, eees okay" (he's french....they're progressive like that) and for him, that was that. Me? i was mortified. I turned bright red. I couldn't focus. I was terrified to do the other side and NOT adjust him, and yet what if I hit his ding-a-ling again? I mean this is a guy is MY FATHER'S AGE. I am feeling pukey even talking about it.

I mean I have had two instances like this before. Once I was putting my foot right on a guy's hip and my foot slipped and I stepped on IT. But that was more of an ordeal for him than me. And another time I went to grab a guy's leg and he tipped over and I tried to catch him, and oh, I caught him alright. That was embarrassing, but he was gay and we both laughed. Don't get me wrong it was a nervous laugh for me. THAT! is never a comfortable situation.

I swear, why can't I just have a nice climate controlled office job? where the only danger is a paper cut.

la dolce vita....

Maggie is turned upside down on my bed snoring.

I'm watching Tyra banks on the Fox Morning News.
(I capitalized that to give FOx News the prestige and credibility that they so truly deserve)

I just ate a breakfast of Barbara's Cheese Puff Bakes (ditto the cap's on those, and if you have never eaten them DON'T START because then you will not only eat them as your entire dinner, but the next morning you'll be excited to GET UP so you can eat them for breakfast)( And Make sure to get the regular ones AND the white cheddar)(and they're from WHOLE FOODS so they're TOTALLY HEALTHY)

And I don't have to work until 6:30...PM

ahhhh...THIS! is the life. This is what my little girl dreams were made of. I mean, in my dreams I was also married to Shaun Cassidy (I needed to link to this pic because if you google 'sean cassidy' all that shows up are hundreds of pics of a Gay Porn Star, and I was all 'OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!??!?!) (not that there's ANYthing wron with gay porn stars. we all have our thing.)

(ummm, Fox News just did a story on a woman who was found dead in her house, and they were all 'we can't release her name because her family members haven't been reached yet' and then they did a full span of the front of her house and then the reported stood RIGHT in front of her house, with her car parked out front. Geez, glad they're not protecting my credit info.)

I won't mention that earlier this morning Mick ran into the house muddy...and excited...and jumped INTO my bed. My unmade bed so he hit every layer of bed sheet/comforter/top blanket/pillow cases. So you know, God Blessed me with Tyra and cheese puffs to make up for Mick and....just Mick. That's enough strife for one person.

Well, that's my Monday. How's yours goin'?

Freddy Lexus will be signing autographs at your local barnes & noble

1. ROCKSTAR NAME : (first pet, current car)
freddy lexus! (hey...that's a good one!)
2. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite shoe)
Jamoca Oreo UGG! (an' don' you fuh-get it!)
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first 3 letters of last name)
Kkam (K-kam and the jammy jam!)
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
That's MS. Periwinkle blue dog at your service!
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Diane Pasadena
6. STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first)
kamka
7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's THE PINK FRAPPUCINO!
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Edward Grampy (I cant remember my grampy's first name!)
9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mom & dad's middle names)
Louise Lawrence (oh God, i am NEVER testifying against a mobster)
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your 6th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Knox Knoxville (ha!) (knoxville's a city right? in the south somewhere? right?)
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
halloween daisy (i might just legally change to this one)
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie")
Mango Pajamie (I guess I would be a "japanimantion" star)
13. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
chinese leftovers maple tree, duuuude.
14. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + your favorite hobby/craft, favorite weather element + "Tour")
The Making Fun of People Snow Tour! **SOLD OUT** (edgy, no?)
15. CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: (half of your name, half of your significant other's name, mixed together in whichever order sounds best)
TBA
16. STRIPPER NAME (current pet+street you grew up on)
Magnolia Monterey
and if we were at chippendales....Mick Cozad

STAGE MOM....

I may not be famous (yet) but LOOK AT MY DOG!!! (these are videos from a new TV show!! If you're super bored, just click on a designer and watch my new meal ticket do his job!) I couldn't be prouder (wipe tear). Now, where's that paycheck Mick!? Momma needs a new pair o' shoes!

summer lovin' and eyelashes

Yesterday was a really fun day swimming with my nephew drew and the dogs. It was a perfect summer day, so I thought....





...hmmmm....the dogs are wet....and carin had that whole wet-eyelash-photo-challenge. And there were pics like this etc...And I LOVE challenges, but was all "hmmm, I don't have kids" So when my precious "children" were in the pool and I had my little point and shoot camera....I was all "HEY! I don't have to be left out of the challenge! My dogs have eyelashes!!! I'l show THEM wet eyelashes!"

SO after about 4 hours, I got THIS.



And then FINALLY this.



Challenge indeed! It was like a comedy show. Me. trying to get eyelash pictures. of MY DOGS. Well, I've HAD dumber ideas in life. Mick didn't know what the hell I was doing. When I would hold his head with all my might, he would roll his eyes all the way back. (the first pic) When I would put the ball by my feet so he'd look down he would look side to side so fast all I could finally manage was ONE wet eyelash...barely. Drew just shook his head at me and after a looonnnnggggg time was even all "auntie kristi....WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" As I told him the whole eyelash challenge, out of breath from chasing them around, he just looked at me puzzled, shrugged his shoulders (in the way only kids can do when they think adults have completely lost their shit and there's a small look of horror on their innocent faces for that flash of thought that this might happen to them when they're adults) and was like "whatever" and jumped in the pool.

Maybe I'll just start dressing the dogs up in cute hats and leggings for my photo shoots. Or maybe it's just time to start reproducing.....

hmmmmm...

..........
........
.....

I'm going out to baby gap now, to see if they have any cute leggings for maggie.

I know this is a cop out...

and yet...it's SO funny I cried laughing about 5 times. In a row. I had to keep pushing PLAY because I laughed so hard.

ME in 30 years!!

There are a few reasons I have gone MIA.

1. I was innocently listing my old iphone on ebay and I got sucked right into the vacuous hole of "bargains" on ebay. This isn't even past tense. I am checking my bids as we speak. I already won a Diane Von Furstenberg dress ($69!!!) and have several other auctions in the works. oooh, I also SCORED on the iphone sale...$600!!! If you have an old iphone...SELL IT. (and to think, I almost 'gave' it to my brother!)

2. I have some sort of throat/ear/sinus infection. it keeps coming and going. I finally went ti the doctor and was told I can't work out for two weeks. yah, I drove home in tears. tears of JOY! So that makes my life pretty boring too. Yet, I have WAY more energy. More enegy to ebay!

3. This whole condo buying thing is the most stressful pain in the ass thing I have ever done. EVER. When My gay friend got excommunicated from his church, he had to sit in front of like 12 guys, and go over all his indiscretions, which I am pretty sure are called sins and him being gay and all, there were a LOT of sins to be accounted for. I don't really remember or know what went on in there, I just remember how horrifying it would be to sit in front of 12 men who were all "....item number Three Hundred Twenty Two: tell us about the incident behind the bleachers at the BYU game...WITH THE COACH...AND THE QUARTEBACK....AND THE TUBA PLAYER!!!!!!" Well, That's how I FEEL going to every different bank to get my loan and pulling out my credit report. over. and over. and over. I have now been "excommunicated" from Wells Fargo, FIrst Republic, and Charles Schwab.

That's about it. Oh, and also season 4 of "Rescue Me" is on DVD. And there are a LOT of good books out now, books I haven't even begun to read! tragic.

sigh.

I have to go re-do my '07 taxes now. Seems I left off a few things. That's SO FUN. I might be excommunicated from the government soon too.

Hostess with the Mostest

This is just one of those mornings where I woke up craving stuff. If I didn't have Tunde in 3 hours I might have caved. AND while watching FOX news there was a commercial for pizza rolls! AND then following that was one for pillsbury toaster streudels, where they pull it apart and the frosting melts with the strawberry filling...

TORTURE! IT couldn't have been worse unless it followed with a hostess commercial. hey, why aren't there any hostess commercials? Have they been banned? Like, they're SO bad for you there has been an ordinance to not show them on TV like cigarettes? And what ever happened to Dolly madison? I think my next pet will be named dolly madison. La La La.

I bet Suze Ormon would yell at me for eating hostess stuff. (TUNDE: I did NOT eat any ding dongs this week. I was just SAYING that Suze Ormon would yell at me, like IF I ate them how I USED to. past Tense. It was a JOKE)

When I was about 6, My grandma Nita and I saved Knudsen Yogurt tops for tickets to the circus in San Diego. She would bundle them together with rubber bands in packs of ten. We ate a LOT of yogurt. I forget how many we needed, but we made the quota and she got two tickets to the circus, AND two train tickets to get down there. I had NEVER been on a train. It was probably the most exciting trip I ever took. When we were on the train she handed me a little backpack FILLED with cracker jacks, Tab soda, and gulp, THREE packets of hostess donuts. Chocolate. Powdered. Crumb. I was beside myself. (My mom would NEVER buy those. they were forbidden. Our 'sugar' 'treat' was raisin bran IF she was feeling jovial. I used to get to the box first and dump it out and take out ALL the sugar coated raisins, all but like 10. Then I would eat them in one bowl and by the time Craig got to the box, I would be all "wow...not too many raisins in there, huh!)

SO, anyway, My grandma said I could eat ONE packet now, and then save the rest for the circus. I don't even remember the stupid circus. I just remember that backpack sitting on my lap, counting the second until I could eat my donuts.

It started early, those addictions. Our parents' attempts to keep us off sugar just eventually backfired. By the time I got to college I went hostess Crazy. My roommate And I discovered the HOSTESS OUTLET. I bought in bulk. Raisin bran gave way to A LOT of captain crunch and lucky charms (mmmmm Lucky charms!!)

Ah, those were the days. The good ole days 'o plenty.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY MICK!!!!

FROM THIS...


TO THIS





Dear Mick,

It has been, ummm, an eventful year with you. You were SO cute that first day I brought you home. I had NO idea what ticked underneath all that yellow cottony fur. The first 10 minutes home you fell asleep right on my shoes. And I was all "WHAT a sweet little angel!"

That was the last time I ever said those words. sigh. As soon as you woke up the "fun" began. You were SO tiny that you fit under EVERYTHING. You loved my bed best. you would get under there where I couldn't reach you and just run around in circles and bark. And later, I realized that you were probably barking at all the mattress material you had ripped out from the box spring. You were not a snuggly puppy. You liked your private sleep space. You slept in ever tiny crevice in the house, you liked it behind the recliner chair.

You would play hard, and then pass out.

toys lasted about 20 minutes when you were involved. But by then you would be passed out and when you slept, and ONLY when you were asleep did I sigh and think "you are so sweet..when you're sleeping"

Every single day I would say to myself "I am giving him away. He is crazy. I can't have a crazy dog. My other two are PERFECT. Why did I have to go screw it all up?! I neeed to give him away while he's still so cute, so people don't suspect what's really there. They'll be suckered into his cuteness like I was." But then everyday, lucky for you, you would sleep, and I would change my mind. Never did you get that your precious life hung in the balance of those naps...or maybe you did.

I finally told myself that if i actually PAY for professional photographs, and actually get a good Christmas card picture out of it, then I would be more inclined to keep you. It worked. Whenever I started posting a 'craigslist' ad I would pull up iphoto and just look at how sweet you are...in pictures. I'd try to forget the sweat and dirt and HUNDREDS of frames and treats it took to get those shots, and then the two nights of diarrhea that ensued from all those treats. I uploaded all your pics onto my iphone so I could bring them up at any time to remind myself why I love you. I stared at those pictures A LOT.

Soon enough, as the weeks went by and you got bigger you couldn't fit into you nap time crawl spaces, which frustrated you to no end. you tried and tried. And quickly though, you went from sleeping under things, to being perfectly comfortable on top of things. You have been comfortable there ever since.
From day one, when you tried to nurse off of Maggie, and she kicked you down, you were confused by her lack of maternal insincts, but in love with your new doggie family. They put you in your place over and over and over, yet you never gave up.

They made you keep your distance at first, and it took a while for Beck to warm up to your annoying ways, but eventually you became one of the pack. and that's all you cared about. I could have fallen down in an epileptic fit and you would have yawned, but if Beck even LOOKED AT YOU it would make you wiggle and squirm with glee.
You were sad when Beck Died and you lost your idol, and that's when you and Maggie bonded for life. You still, however, ignore me.

Now, I still don't get you, but i can't imagine life without you. I mean I CAN, it looks tranquil on the other side of the fence, but you make life, umm, interesting. You love and are fascinated with the bathtub.

You dig holes, BIG holes, holes you can stand your full body in. Where ever there is loose dirt, and/or loose bedsheets, you try to dig holes. You even tried to dig a hole IN the bathtub for some reason.

You drink out of the toilet, a habit NONE of my other dogs have ever had. You steal all the neighbors newspapers and trot around with them. this makes me laugh, so I haven't corrected that behavior. It only makes me laugh though, until you bring them all into the house and shred each one. You like that. shredding. You "wake" me by jumping on my face and then wrestling with maggie. on my face. You LOVE my Ugg Boots. You pull every single one out of my closet. You dont ruin them, per se, you just take them all out and toss them around the living room. Or you just get them all out and sit with them. One has to wonder if you think they're some sort of furry little precious baby in your eyes.


You still are, and probably always will be a complete pain in the ass. But you have made me laugh and cry...and cry...and cry. I love you TONS. Though, i do still need to keep Carin's photo shoot on hand. Very close at hand.

PS. Mick would like you all to know he is registered at Petco and The Barking Lot.

I am "THIS MANY" years old (holds up 37 fingers)

My life was hard enough to manage as it was. Then I got a car Payment, And I was all "woohoo! I'm an ADULT now!" "I have a CAR payment!!" As if that was exciting, and novel, and chic and cutting edge. A milestone, as it were. The novelty has worn off.

THEN I lost my brain function and got a trainer and I was all "woohoo! I am SOOO HOLLYWOOD. I have a trainer" THAT novelty AND expense wore off on session two, during the 456th push-up.

NOW I decided since I am officially broke (for real, I have $2.57 in my "savings" acct. Seriously) that I would buy a condo (though, SUPER cute and New York-y) and have a mortgage! How exciting! my very first mortgage. And I can be all "man, I gotta pay that MORTGAGE instead of stupid juvenile rent. I am TRULY an adult! (adults can still eat Zingers though!) ( I mean I'm NOT eating Vanilla Zingers with Yellow vanilla frosting. I would NEVER eat those now. I am working out with my trainer) (who, incidentally reads this blog)(because my "friend" Ashley Pittman Big Mouth told him about it!)

Where was I? Oh yah. I am officially an adult with a mortgage, trainer and car payment! Then I was watching Suze Ormon yesterday (I was sick, there's NOTHING else on tv sunday afternoons) When I see her shows on, I usually RACE down the cable guide page as if I never saw it. I'd rather watch a lifetime original movie about cheerleaders, or, or, the mexican channel. But I figured that now since I actually have, what's it called, oh yah, assets that mayyyybbeeee I could learn something. Get a little tidbit of financial wizardry.

She was yelling at women as usual, about how STUPID they are to buy a brand new car and have a car payment! How irresponsible it was to NOT have a hefty savings account! How getting into a mortgage without having 6 months back-up payments was outright mental! (she used LOTS of exclamation points) How you should always put 20% of your income into savings (pfft. right) How having a trainer is ridiculous!(okay, maybe that last one wasn't said....but I know she meant to!)

Then she started speaking Chinese, crazy words like 401k and sub-prime loans and retirement plans (retirement? what?)

I watched. I listened. Then I changed the channel to I Love Lucy Shoving all that crazy talk outta my mind. Like a horror film. Or a scary commercial FOR a horror film that you wish you hadn't seen.

My point? I am not THAT much of an adult...maybe in my 60's.

make you laugh for the weekend

I don't know what made me laugh more, his shirt, or his "moves"

also? his very last move, I wanna do to certain "yoga" students and/or teachers. I could incorporate into down dog, no?

US weekly is comin' next

I am ALMOST famous. I made it onto someone famous's website. She's a model in NY and LA. I think. I don't really know her. But keep scrolling sideways and see my first debut in publicity. Paparazzi, here I come!

I wanna be fired

I am SO completely and entirely exhausted, what with the earthquake clean-up and all.

It was the longest day ever, and I don't even work that much. In fact, I subbed out my class tonight, so I didn't even work AT ALL today. Though, I will say that my LIFE is work. Seriously, when my TiVo is full, and I have like, ALL these recorded shows to watch, it's a LOT of pressure. I was actually physically gone all day, and just got home at 10pm, which never happens. And though I didn't "work" work, I ran all around doing STUFF. And I am so tired I just wanted to get in bed and not even WATCH T.V. And yet, I felt compelled to just SEE what shows I missed, and then it was more than I thought, and I was all "hmmph, I better get SOME of these out of the way" as if they were term papers I had to start on.

Well, So I better quit wasting time here, and get started on those shows.

The big QUAKE...

Okay, tragedy struck yesterday. ALL of my afternoon shows were pre-empted!

No Judge Judy, No people's Court, No Dr.Phil/Oprah/Ellen!

ALL because of "earthquake" reports, pie charts, size-mo-graphs (spelling? no?) and interviews. They even interviewed "governor" schwartzenager. Who was in uh, SACRAMENTO. In fact, it's STILL BEING COVERED.

But you know, I guess there WAS mass destruction. One asian liquor store owner was saying how she had to cover her head because the bottles might fall down on her. Then she SHOWED us how exactly she covered her head with her arms. But LUCKILY, pheeeee-ew, no mini-bottles fell on her. but ALMOST.

And then there was the guy who's pottery store was damaged. Lots of his pottery fell on the floor. Yet, it was a really dumpy old ass pottery store, so one has to question whether he went in AFTER the quake and tipped all the shelves over and was all "Man, all my pottery is gone! Good thing I have insurance!" And then 3 months later he'll be running his new starbucks chain.

And then there was the USC football player dude interviewed on campus with his backpack, all "yah, man, I was walking over there (points to grass) on the grass, and I was getting up to go to class and was all, 'whoa! I think there's an earthquake!' and then I just stayed put man. (shakes his head) it was kinda scary." Wonder when his FEMA check is arriving?

There were SO. MANY. MORE. interviews like that. ALL.DAY.LONG. Even today. People talk excitedly, out of breath, with a look of HUGE relief on their face that they were lucky enough, bless Jesus, Mohammed and The Holy Ghost, to even be ALIVE today.

And then! After ruining my TV day, I get to work and everyone was all "where were YOU when IT happened?"

And I was all "OMIGOD, I was sitting on my couch and opened my computer and was DEVASTATED! I practically FELL OVER! Then I just cried and cried when IT happened. I knew my life was going to change dramatically, and I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest." But I will go one. LIFE will go on. Maybe. I am still in shock."

just saying

Women who call me "babe" make me want to claw their face off. ESPECIALLY ones who don't know me. But THINK they do. And if they DID know me, then they would NEVER call me 'babe' because I would never BE friends with someone who did.
the end.

tagged...

My friend Carin tagged me in her blog. (definitely go to her blog cuz her photography is so amazing you can't stop staring at her pics) Her Request was to list 7 quirky things about yourself. I LOVE the word 'quirky' cuz it sounds cute and quaint and plucky. But really, it means all the stuff that makes you but a valium away from the mental ward of your local county hospital and/or "how come no one answers their phone when I call?"

I wonder if family members count? I mean, you know, what's quirky about me is more to blame on who I was surrounded by in my youth. My Aunt Emma would be classified as criminally insane quirky. And then don't get me started on MY PARENTS! Woooo-eeeee.

Anyhoo, I think you're supposed to write them about YOU. SO uh, here goes.

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE People's Court. Judge Milian is my favorite Judge in the World. She is all professional and collected UNTIL someone pisses her off and she then pulls out her puertorican street slang and she says stuff in spanish like "como chocolate blah blah que bueno usted hablamos QUIERO!" (or something like that) and then she translates and is all "IF you're gonna order up the chocolate then PAY THE BILL!" I tivo it and it's the first thing I want to do when I get home from work. And when it's a repeat it practically ruins my afternoon.

2. I love mustard on French toast, like regular French's Yellow Mustard. AND syrup. mmmm, that mixture is SO good. SO good that I can't eat french toast without it. This makes ordering it at restaurants tricky. I also scoff at people who put ketchup on eggs, cuz THAT is just gross.

3. I sleep sideways on my bed, like across the top. I keep wondering what will happen when I have a boyfriend sleep over, like how will I arrange that one. Because that's the only way I sleep well.

4. I assess all expenses in terms of how many Mochas that would buy. But only stuff like bills and gas and parking tickets (and for SOME reason I have parking ticket karma, as in, I get A LOT. I have had my cars towed 4 times for that. twice I just left the cars there.) So say, my electric bill is $125, then I am all "GOD!! That is outrageous! I could have 27 mochas for that! Geez. God!" and I get all worked up.

5. I choose cleaning products on the merit of their prettiness. SO, like I HATE Pine Sol. Won't buy it. But, Method products, especially the pink ones? totally. who cares if it works or not, as long as they match and look pretty under the sink, I buy it. It sometimes take me hours in the cleaning section choosing exactly which counter wipes match my wood cleaner wipes. Ditto on dryer sheets. Who wants Bounty's ugly harsh reds and orange and bright yellow when you can have a cute snuggly bear in soothing lavender tones? I would buy Rat Poison if it were made by Martha. And the cute little cascade dishwaser packets that look like little candy nuggets? I LOVE those! Quirky? NO. Practical? YES!

6. What is my favorite thing on any given day? when some assporsche is driving behind me ALL close and CLEARLY annoyed at me driving slow, which of course I am not, and I can see them all frustrated in my rearview, and then they can finally pass me and then they GUN IT and their engines roar and the SPEED past me giving me a dirty look. Then they RACE all the way...to the RED LIGHT just ahead, only to find themselves not only stuck at a red light, but also unfortunately behind a school bus, and then I look over and shake my head and laugh, as I pull ahead to the red light, one bus length in FRONT of them. AHHHAHAAHHAHAA...HA!

7.


Enough said.

Ho hummm...what is more boring than TUESDAY morning? I mean, it's not Monday, so you have no excuses for being groggy and out of it, like "UGH! MOnday mornings!" and it's not WED morning, which is midweek, and getting over "the hump" and Thursday morning is lookin' good for the WEEKEND!! woohoo. And then of course friday morning is exciting and relaxing, because freedom is but a mere 8 hours way. But Tuesday is just tuesday.

Whoa, I really have nothing to say here. CLEARLY. This blog has "jumped the shark" like when cousin Oliver joined the brady bunch. It was the beginning of the end. OH! but we ARE down to the final TWO in 'Design Star' which is VERY exciting. I can't wait! If you don't wtch it, YOU NEED TO. HGTV. Sunday night.

uh, what else? ummmm. uhhhhh...I give up. You know, Tuesday morning and all. Oh wait, this is cute, our neighbors have about one million kids, and they're hasidic Jews...and they HATE dogs. But the kids are finally getting used to them, and the younger ones, who got to know Mick as a cute fuzzy puppy, are actually starting to like them. This little girl came up to me the other day and said "I sure do like your golden achievers!" HA! SO cute.

Okay, that's all I have. Maybe if I just go hang out at Target today, or Wal-Mart I'll have some good stories. Cuz there are ALWAYS good idiots who frequent those places!

I'm still alive, BARELY....

When i was driving home from work tonight Celine Dion was on the radio and it was the 'Titanic' song and I found myself oddly soothed by it. I even turned it up. And then I was all singing...."NEAR, FAR, whereEEEEEVER you are...."

Yah, that about sums up a friday night for me. At least a friday night after a week with the Tundinator! Ha! get it!? HA! Except instead of HASTA LA VISTA BABY, he's all HASTA LA CHEESE-A BABY! HA! Those of you who keep saying I need to write a book, are seriously thinking twice right now.

I also actually worked out at the gym last night. the actual gym. voluntarily. The tv shows on in front of me were...
-midget wrestling
-CNN
-Wheel of fortune
-and some sort of VH1 dance competition

Luckily I had my ipod on. There was a guy in front of me on one of those granny bikes, the kind that are all reclined. He was intently watching one of the TVs, with headphones on, and every few minutes he would whoop and clap and get all excited, in the way guys do when they're watching SPORTS. I kept trying to figure out who he was cheering? the midgets? Dancers? He certainly wasn't that excited about wheel of fortune? But I kept intently watching and his whooping and clapping didn't coincide with ANYTHING on TV. Freak.

Also, on the dance competition thing there was some song called "rock me sexy Jesus." I'm sorry, but midget wrestling aside, THAT IS JUST WRONG! Jesus is NOT SEXY! EWWWWW. Those two words should never EVER go together in a sentence. I mean, I'm practically a heathen, and I am completely offended. Jesus walked around rescuing baby lambs and has long robes and a long beard and birkenstocks. NOT SEXY.

I am SO glad I couldn't hear the words. I was piously listening to Hannah Montana. And Hairspray. And Rent. And Pet Shop Boys. And High School Musical. it's an eclectic mix, one which I could never recommend. But it does keep me running (well, MY version of running, which really, is more like walking. walking fast.) ( Well, MY version of fast. Which is coincidentally like MY version of healthy eating....I like to call it, INTERPRETIVE IMPROVISATIONAL DIETING. I wonder if I could "brand" it?! hmmmm)

Well, so My whole point here is that I haven't been able to move much all week, let alone write anything of interest. Not that it ever IS of interest, per se. And also? One of my new roommates is practically famous. Here's her red carpet moment at the "espy awards" which have something or other to do with sports or something.



Isn't she cute? People ALWAYS mix us up. They always ask if we're twins and stuff. And I'm all "My hair is NOT that long!"

A Guy walks into a bar with a duck....

...and other funny things that happened when I was in Tahoe this week.

1. I sent a text message to one of my yoga clients that I wouldn't be in town for his session and this was his reply "Hey baby girl! Don't worry about it. Have fun in Tahoe! See you next week! Uh. Baby girl? BABY GIRL???? Who IS this guy? Where did THAT come from? I don't even wanna know.

2. Blockbuster called to tell me that I hadn't returned "Mad Money" yet and if I didn't I would be charged the value of it blah blah...This was on saturday as I was driving to tahoe. It was still in my trunk. And today what showed up on my checking acct. was "$117 BLOCKBUSTER.... Excuse me, but ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS? FOR MAD MONEY? And even though I know the money will be refunded once I return it (I go through this every time, really) I was still outraged that they had the nerve to even pretend that mad money is worth $117. Now THAT? (unlike the movie) is FUNNY!
**though, really, it's one of those movies that is dumb, but also you kinda like it, but is still SO dumb, so you can't actually say you liked it, even though you kinda did.

3. I was waiting in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and an old lady next to me says "you been workin' out?" and I was all wow! it shows! all my hard work has PAID off and I have SO MUCH MUSCLE that strangers notice!!!(even strangers who can barely see!) And as my head was swelling with pride and also puzzled that it was THAT noticeable, I said with false humility "oh, umm, well, yah, a little here and there" and then she looked at my shirt and I looked down and realized it was all wet from spilling my water down my front, and what she was REFERRING to in her little old lady "humor" was that I was "sweaty" from working out. Like she thought she was making a little joke. Yah REAL FUNNY GRANDMA.

4. Different bathroom in a super nice quiet restaurant in a private members only resort lodge in the mountains. All the stalls were these giant wood doors and they were all closed. They were like little toilet log cabins. And I went to push open a door and there was someone in it. "oops. sorry" I said as I shut the door. and then I hear "HEY! GEEEZ. HEY! GEEZ. WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING! GEEZ! YOU THINK YOU'D KNOCK FIRST! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE! GEEZ!" and I was like 'I SAID I was sorry. I OBVIOUSLY didn't know you were in there" and then "GEEZ! WELL THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! AND YOU JUST BANGED MY HEAD AND REALLY HURT ME AND THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! GEEZ! WHAT DID YOU THINK! SOME PEOPLE!!" and I was all " ALL the doors are closed. Why don't you try locking it? and then "YOU HURT MY HEAD! YOU BANGED ME IN THE HEAD! I WAS IN HERE! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE" (she was actually still in there) and I finally just shut up. there was nothing more to say really, and I was lost in the "why" was her head so close to the door?? I'm still standing there because now I'm terrified that they're all filled or something when in fact they were all empty and she comes out, and she's like old and maybe even drunk I realize, and I am waiting for some big confrontation and she says "There's no toilet paper in that stall, by the way." and washes her hands, pats her white hair, and leaves. oookkkkayyyyeeeee.

I guess it's not just YOGA people I hate.

it's just july 4th to me

mmm...I just had a mani/pedi at the asian place at the corner. THANK GOD they were open. This is what I love about our diverse culture, people who don't celebrate american stuff and provide all the services I might need. UN-fortunately this also includes Tunde, who beat me up earlier. When i was on the floor begging for mercy and "holiday" reprieve he just stood over me and laughed that deep african laugh that says "I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE THREE BABIES AND A KITTEN, I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD ANYWAY"

I also got a "massage." but it was a massage from my nail lady, which means they have no real masseuse training or anything. They just like, squeeze and knead wherever. I don't even mind that, and it feels good enough, but the $10 price feels better. At the end of it they karate chop your back, and this woman WENT TO TOWN. I was clutching the massage chair with my dear life. And since she has no training she was chopping my spine and bones. (Naturally, I never say anything) THEN when she was done she stopped for a sec....and then started smacking me, literally, with cupped hands. She hit me harder than even my big brother at the worst of out fights. My BIG. FOOTBALL. PLAYING. BROTHER.

So I am on my couch now, unable to move from having been at the mercy of two different continents and their "holiday special"

at least my toes look pretty.

diet schmiet

I have been doing SO well on my little no bread/no cheese/no sweets diet. Seriously TWO WHOLE WEEKS and I didn't even cheat AT ALL. SO, naturally I had TACO BELL last night. I caved. But in my defense, I only ordered ONE item, as opposed to the 4 or 5 I used to get. I got the AMAZING spicy nacho crunchwrap.

I mean TWO WHOLE WEEKS is just unNATURAL. And technically a tortilla isn't bread. Nor is a fried corn tortilla. Nor is delicious processes who-knows-what-parts-of cow-chopped "meat", and NOR is processed DELICIOUS melted in your mouth nacho cheese sauce.

mmmm....the memory will keep me alive for a day FOREVER!

But this morning I have ALL this energy, hence this post. I have been so tired and sore and exhausted that words were scrambled in my brain. So, I will assert here and now that Taco Bell FUELS your brain. it's um, GOOD FOR you, in it's own yummy cheesy way.

Of course, what happens in blog land STAYS in blog land which is precisely why A) I only tell a privileged few about this blog, and B) why Tunde will never ever know about it.

Needless to say, this little indiscretion is will be recorded in my food diary like this. "lean steak with lettuce, tomato, & corn salad" WELL, it could be true.

So I guess you can assume, that when I blog now, I have probably eaten something, um, energetic.

also...this is me on my diet.

Now, make sure you watch the whole thing. THIS is what makes me want to have kids. Cute chinese kids who play guitars.

TGIF?...uh, no.

I'm not going to discuss Tunde anymore because I just get anxious and depressed. Although I will say that I have him for my "second" session that he coerced me into. AND he did that by the way, at the END of my session, when I my defenses were down. "Judge Judy, I WAS UNDER DURESS!!"

ho hum. I'm only writing this right now because otherwise I look at the clock every 5 minutes, going "Okay. 4 more hours and 10 minutes till I have to go tunde....Okay, 4 more hours and 5 minutes..." and so on.

I woke up at like 4 am and had one of those moments where you go over really random stuff. It starts off innocently enough and then somehow works it's way into a panic attack and then you can't get back to sleep. Mine went like this

"I'm awake. Damn. Why isn't Ambien working tonight? did I take it too early? Should I tell My shrink to give me a higher dose? Then I'd have to spend another $200. sigh. God, I have spent SO MUCH MONEY on my shrink. Also I am now spending money on Tunde. Geez, how much AM I spending now? like per month? Lets see, $800 Shrinky, NOW $800 Tunde, And $400 Lucy (maid) and Coffee...no don't go there. let's seeee, that's 2,000!! on services!! OMG! That's A HOUSE PAYMENT! Not to mention all my other bills! car payment! Utilities! GAS!! DOGFOOD is $150 right there!! DOG TREATS!! I don't even WANT to know how much I spend in treats. WHy do I have DOGS?? No wonder I can't afford a BABY! Maybe I'll NEVER be able to afford a baby! I need to get married just to split this stuff. And also, I could go to PARIS every MONTH for what I'm spending ON MYSELF!!! I mean I COULD HAVE HAD A HOUSE! a whole HOUSE! AHHHHHHHHH....Okay, kk, take a breath. If I had a house instead then I would just be sitting in my DIRTY house, and I'd still be CRAZY and FAT. Okay, okay, so its GOOD that's I'm spending all this. right? RIGHT? At least I have a new car. ahhh...my car....all is well....yawn.

OMG. 3 hours and 55 minutes....

ACT 3: SCENE 2

( "END" of hour and FIFTEEN minute session)

YOU NEED TO DO TWO TIMES A WEEK. NO MORE ONCE A WEEK
( I liked when he just said 3 word sentences)

What?? bbbut....

NO BUT. I NEED TO KEEP MY EYE ON YOU.

I DON'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE IN YOU

But it's only been a WEEK

YES. ONE WHOLE WEEK. NO CHANGE


But I can't afford it

YES YOU CAN.

but...

WRITE THE CHECK. (pause) AND GET ON TREADMILL. 30 MINUTES


WHAT???? But we're DONE!

NO.NO.NO. (chuckles and shakes head)

but...ummm...I didn't put enough time in the meter!!

DON'T PARK ON THE STREET NEXT TIME. PARK IN THE LOT.

Okay! NEXT time I won't. (phew!!)

BUT YOU'RE STILL DOING THE TREADMILL. 30 MINUTES. I'LL GO PUT MONEY IN YOUR METER. YOU WRITE THE CHECK. THEN GET ON THE TREADMILL.

(he exits)

(dumbass girl shakily writes check for TWO sessions a week and gets on treadmill)
**note to self. Use stealth combat psychological tactic on own clients)

I'M WATCHING YOU. DON'T THINK YOU'RE WALKING EITHER.

dread...may turn into dead...

Today is tun-day! HA. get it? HA!

Wait, it's no laughing matter. I woke up this morning all..."ahhh...wednesday. I think I'll go to...oh. yah. shit." I have a feeling of pure dread in the pit of my stomach, not unlike that one time I had to go to court and wasn't sure if the judge would throw me in the pokey. That, and when I knew my dad had run my credit report when I was 20 and the phone was ringing and I knew it was him, even before there was caller ID. Or that time I hid the cat in the mailbox and knew I was just about to get busted cuz I could hear it meowing while everyone was looking for it. Or that time....you get the point.

The fear is two-fold. No, five-fold.

1. Will I get yelled at for my "food diary" where I lied anyway but is STILL BAD? I am not even allowed grapes and bananas! let alone ice cream drumsticks rolled in delicious chopped peanuts and fiiled with caramel sau... ahem.

2. Will I have to do the so called "sprints" and will he make it EVEN worse? like, level 6????

3. Will there be a portrait of me with a powder blue background smiling big in a cheap frame that has a gold plate that says "BARFEE OF THE MONTH"

4. What OTHER "exercises" has he saved up for me?

5. The most obvious...WILL I HOLD MY BREAKFAST DOWN?!?!?!?

HeEeeLLLppPP

M e
e

e

e

e
e

e


e


e




e

I'll take "Modern Tragedy" for $500....

ALEC: The answer is..."Things that happen to fat people in a gym"

BUZZER

ME: What is puking in a trash can!!

ALEC: That's RIGHT PeeWee! How did you KNOW that?

ME: well Alec, it's funny, well not really funny funny, but funny like wanting to die of embarrassment funny, so really NOT FUNNY AT ALL. You see, it just SO HAPPENS that I was in the bowels of Hell once, otherwise know as The Gym, and this Nigerian Mad Man made me run sprints on the treadmill, and by sprints I mean mini-marathons, and he set the speed at FIVE, AND set the incline at FIVE, Alec. (interject lighthearted chuckle) And as you see Alec, THAT? is what makes people puke in trash cans in the middle of a gym full of people! And when I say "puke" alec, I don't mean that figuratively, I mean that in the "dry heaves after puking up your morning coffee, over and over and over again kind of puke!" ha ha, chuck chuck.

ALEC: Well, THAT sounds fun!

ME: Oh Alec, it WAS fun. Especially when the people working out all around you run like crazy to get away from you. And what's even MORE fun, is when NO ONE even cares or has sympathy, when they just look at you and try NOT to laugh at you. THAT IS SO FUN!

Hawaii Chair

grrrr...

Tunde Just called. I didn't answer. He left a voice message.

HELLO K

THIS IS TUNDE

SEE YOU TOMORROW

YOU BETTER BE SKINNIER

I think I maybe was eating ice cream when I heard that message. I can't remember. But either way. I am terrified.

Not the day to tie the knot in CA...

Today is the first official day that "the gays" in California can get officially married. , This is a huge milestone, and it's all over the news this morning, showing all the city halls flooded with crowds and crowds of gay couples getting married.

Naturally, it's mostly all lesbians rushing the altar. (SO like a woman) And when you see the news coverage, there are lines down the street of these BIG butch lesbians with mohawks, and their tiny brides-to-be.

BUT then, among this parade of biker bitches and rainbow flags and protesters with signs saying "SMILE! SATAN LOVES YOU," was this one little straight couple. All quiet. Keeping a low profile. Poor little straight couple. Boy did THEY choose the wrong day!. Talk about stealing their thunder!

Waaaa Haaaaa

Remember when I used to complain about Jake-the-trainer?

yyyaaaahhhh.

Remember when you were in 4th grade and you thought school was ruining your life? and you couldn't WAIT to be a grown up, only to find how much it sucks to pay rent?

Well, enter Tunde (toon-day). Now close your eyes. go on. close em. Does a vision of a giant black man from South Africa who speaks in only 1 to 3 word sentences appear? The kind of African black man who wins marathons barefoot and moves to America to practice voo doo?

yah, that's him. Only, his "voo doo" is personal training. If you can call it that. It's more like in the movies when the big black African guy who speaks in 3 word sentences comes out of nowhere and says "Hello my friend," and he smiles a kind gentle powerful african smile but then he pulls out his Ak-47 and blows someone's head off.

It's more like THAT.

I'm desperate. I trained with jake on and off for 5 months and GAINED weight because I was putting on muscle and then hitting In 'n Out on the way home. So I became this like, behemoth with strong FAT arms. I thought it was just ME, like I was defective. Like I was Nick Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" except instead of coming home with boxes of tequila, I had the Hostess Family packs. And the Costco size totino's pizza rolls.

So my "friend" was telling me about her trainer and was all "no, he's DIFFERENT. He KNOWS stuff. He KNOWS when I have eaten bread!" And then she threatened that if I didn't schedule an appointment she would stop playing scrabulous with me. (Anyone reading this? LET'S PLAY!) SO I called him.

Which brings me to my point here. HE MUST HAVE WORKED IN AFRICA in their super stealth torture regime. He was probably their "go-to-guy" for the real hard stubborn insurgents.

He makes Jake's sessions seem like a little girl's hopscotch match.

When I got there he was waiting outside. He had NEVER MET ME before and he yells across the parking lot, commencing the first of many 3 words (or less) sentences...

"KRISTIIIIIIIIIN."

My stomach lurched into knots. I seriously gulped. I put on my smiley "I LOVE TO WORKOUT" face, and bouncd up to the stairs and in a way too high voice was all "hiiii-yeee! Nice to meet you!"

"YOU AH LATE." (my session was 1:30. It was 1:29)

(stammering,unsure ) umm, no? I'm...right...on..... time?

YOU. AH. LATE

ummmm...uh...

DO PUSH-UPS NOW (he looks at pavement)

silence from me.

RIGHT HERE. PUSH-UPS.

long awkward silence

.........

..........

..........

(I maybe peed my pants here)

HAHAHA. COME IN!

puts his arm around me, I'm relieved AND terrified. But then huge relief like..."good, phew! this guy is only JOKING! He's funny! He's welcoming me in. I'll probably have to fill out some paperwork...

GET ON ELLIPTICAL.

I'll BE BACK

I hopped on, hit "start" and ellipticalled away. not bad. do-able. Glad he walked away for a bit, give me time to take stuff in...

ONLY LEVEL ONE?

where'd he come from? He was suddenly right by my side, pushing his finger on the "level" button until I couldn't breathe within 10 seconds.

and he hovered. With that weird african voo doo stare.

WHY YOU HERE?

"huh?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"umm, you mean like specifically here? like in personal training? or like personal training with you? specifically?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"um ,well, um, see, I have gained a lot of weight? very recently? umm, since I moved to LA..."

HOW LONG AGO?

"oh, umm, 3 years? ago."

NOT SO RECENT

"well, yah, umm, I mean, I just can't seem to get it off, and well, I have had a trainer, but I still ate a lot, and then Ahsley said I had to come to you so I did. and so, yah." (it was like truth serum had invaded my body)

AH


SO anyway...an hour AND FIFTEEN MINUTES of that plus some other rogue experimental tactics that probably brought down apartheid ensued.

Then he walked me out and said

NO BREAD.

pause

NO SWEETS.

pause

NO CHEESE.

pause

ONE MONTH.

pause.

I. WILL. KNOW.


He looked me RIGHT in the eye as he said all this. He was sealing his voodoo curse. I drove off in terror. I would NEVER be able to not show up, cuz this guy? will FIND ME. Better cancel my pizza and peanut butter delivery before the postman goes mysteriously "missing"

On other news, Tara, my new roommate who moved in last week, moved out. Oh yah, and she was an anorexic alcoholic and had a fake eye. Hence the apple cider vinegar. for the anorexia. not the eye. I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

spread it like you want it...

Go ahead and CLICK HERE and just SEE if you can read all these flavors and go without ordering. go ahead. see.

This brings 'eating peanut butter straight outta the jar' to a WHOLE new level. And I don't even LIKE eating peanut butter outta the jar!

My order will arrive in sync with my pizza delivery . And I swear I'll call JENNY after that.

HAHA...AGAIN...

I have Martha Stewart on for background TV while I play scrabulous on Facebook (I should really get up and DO something like take a walk or plant some summer herbs) (nah) and Martha had this young blonde personal trainer on, and they were lying on a yoga mat preparing to do crunches and the trainer was all....

YOU CAN'T JUST DO ABS, YOU HAVE TO DO ABS AND WATCH WHAT YOU EAT!

and Martha was all...HOW MANY CRUNCHES SHOULD WE DO PER DAY?

and the trainer was all...OH! WELL YOU AND I USED TO DO 500

and martha was all...I STILL DO 500 crunches a day and I STILL HAVE A BIG TUMMY!! (she grabbed her NOT big tummy)

and there was a slight pause and then the trainer goes...THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH GOOD FOOD AROUND HERE!!!


HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. I think what Martha was going for was "NO YOU DON'T MARTHA!"

ahhh, that just cracked me up.

Back to scrabulous...

HAHA

I just ate a sprinkles cupcake for, ummm, lunch. and I went to throw the wrapper on the coffee table and before the wrapper even hit the table maggie had bolted from the other side of the room and INHALED it whole, and then literally did a loud "gulp" sound.

that's my girl!

ps. I don't know WHERE she learned that kind of behavior!

nothing...

I have nothing to say because I just filled up my gas tank for SEVENTY DOLLARS.

SEVENTY.

DOLLARS.

THAT? is the cost of a nice shirt for me. I quite literally feel sick to my stomach. speechless.

Time to get THOSE DOGS in shape!

FINALLY! SOMETHING I WILL ACTUALLY DO I mean I my dogs NEED discipline! and training! and exercise!

It starts June 30, so I better start getting in shape so my own dogs don't out do me in physical fitness, which they SO will. I work THEM out every single morning. A whole hour of hard core running, while I stand there and throw the ball.

I actually went to yoga on saturday. weird huh. I actually DID yoga. There's a new place literally one block away. well, it's not new, I've been passing it everyday on my way to work. But new TO ME. I kept hearing how good it was and my friend called me that morning saying he was going, and as he was telling me that, I was shoving last night's pizza in my mouth. Then I figured, HEY, I better go!

Two things.
#1 the teacher asked everyone if they had any injuries. BIG MISTAKE. DON'T EVER OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.

YOGA GUY: my hamstring is bothering me.

YOGA GIRL: I hurt my shoulder a few days ago, but it should be okay.

ANNOYING YOGA CHICK FROM HELL: Well, I just lost my job, so I feel stressed and tired. I have interviews next week, which helps, but also makes me feeling nervous this morning too. but I'm also hopeful, because I have worked hard an am TALENTED so I feel the universe has good things in store, but it's just hard because I just don't KNOW what's in store, and THAT's the hard part, you know?

a beat...

AYCFH: I mean, that's what yoga teaches me, so I'm glad I'm here. Sigh. REALLY GLAD I'm here. Because my body just needs to be reassured, and to RELAX and I mean, i even got a massage yesterday, but it's just not the same a yoga, you know? Energetically i just need to MOVE through some stuff.....

I tuned out after that because, she DID go on. Part of me was glad though, because every minute she talked, was one less minute of having to do hard yoga.

#2 IF YOU ARE TEACHING A TWO HOURclass you need to WARN people!! also she chanted.

But it WAS a good hard class, surprisingly. It's just that this studio attracts SO MANY hippie yoga people who want to SHARE their feelings. Like, they're just being cheap moochers, because, people! THAT'S WHAT SHRINKS ARE FOR!!!

Put a little smile on your face this morning...

This is THE cutest thing EVER. make sure you watch the video too...PRICELESS.

Maggie, for the record, would NEVER do that. She didn't get the maternal instinct. in fact when I brought Mick home at 6 weeks, he immediately tried to nurse from her, and she not only looked at him like "WTF?" but also kicked him away with her hind legs. repeatedly.

WHole other note...This girl from chicago took my classes in Tulum, she wasn't part of our group, but she was crusty and we all loved her immediately. Well, as a 'thank you' she shipped me a Malnati's chicago pizza! Woohoo! I wasn't THAT excited because I have been to chicago and wasn't crazy about their pizza, and also, how good can a frozen pizza be? However, I immediately put it in the oven and I will say here and now, it was THE BEST PIZZA I have EVER had!! In fact, i may even order a couple more for a treat. I am also planning these for different presents. Seriously, when you don't know what to get someone, GET THESE!! They seem expensive, but I promise they're WORTH it! Trust me. (even though I eat hostess stuff)

HAPPY DONUT DAY!

What are YOU gonna do to celebrate this most sacred of days?? I mean, you know, everyone needs to do THEIR PART. And for my part I made us a little song...


TOTAL ECLAIR OF THE HEART
by kk

Fryaround, every now and then I get a
little bit hungry and you're never open la-ate.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of eatin' all that bran cereal.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the donuts are gone.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the fritters in the window.

Fryaround maple bars, Every now and
then I eat hostess.
Fryaround maple bars, EVERY NOW AND THEN I
EAT HOSTESS!



Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something fri-ied.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry cuz someone ate the Jelly filled and then li-ied
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the dozen size box.

Fryaround chocolate twists, Every now and
then I pull apar-art
Fryaround chocolate twists, EVRY NOW AND THEN I PULL APART!

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only let me take a bite
We'll be fryin' on forever
And we'll only be making 'em right
Cause we'll never frost wrong together
We can take it to the front of the line
Your rainbow sprinkle is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always eatin' in the dark
We're living in a Winchelle's and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight



Once upon a time I was buying a twist
But now I'm gonna buy a fry cart
There's nothing I can do
A total Eclair of the heart
Once upon a time there were buttermilk bars in my life
But now there's only glazed in the park
Nothing I can say
A total Eclair of the heart

HAVE A HAPPY DONUT DAY! SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL DONUT SHOPPE! WE CAN DO THIS!

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!! FOR REAL....why don't they tell us this stuff?

Tomorrow is National Donut Day! Talk about the BEST. HOLIDAY. EVER. (Sorry baby Jesus, maple glazed beats world salvation) I feel like this is the one thing that has been missing my hole life (HA! get it!?) I am making it my new mission in life to MAKE SURE this holiday gets the proper recognition. I will be successful as soon as I see a hallmark card about it.

In the meantime, this gives my utah readers JUST enough time to fed-ex me a dozen from Banbury Cross. Rainbow sprinkle, maple bars and chocolate old fashioned please.

And Since I now OWN THIS I can return the favor when anyone comes to visit! And/or take you to STAN's Donuts, which is NOTHING compared to banbury Cross, but is the best LA has to offer.

New Roommate

HA! not her. I just posted her so in case you were sitting down with your egg McMuffin and checking my plucky blog, you might choke and spew coffee. You know, just a little morning humor!

I rented out my guest room for the summer, and this girl was a friend of a friend in NY. Well, not even a friend, she was a fellow washington square dog park-er so immediately I knew 2 things.

1) she would be crazy. medicate-able, but still.

2) she could have hippie genes in her buried somewhere.


Last night i came home from work and she had unpacked some stuff. I sniffed around everything more than the dogs did. I became nervous when I saw organic items in the fridge from whole foods. Not just organic, but ORGANIC stuff that looks foreign, like it was packaged by a little old chinese lady in her hut on her farm where she grows exotic medicinal herbs.

There were 'vitamins' I had never heard of. Vitamins that were spelled with letters AND numbers. little bottles of creepy looking liquids where the lid is a dropper. I opened the cupboards to find "salmon jerky" ( I mean. REALLY?) and the biggest bottle of organic apple cider vinegar I have ever seen.

uh oh.

I looked for ANY sign of a hostess product.

So I called out "Tara?" (I needed more info here) and she came out of her room and we were both all "Hiiiiiii"

"Hiiiiiiii"

ME: I'm so glad you're here! Did you, um, find everything okay? (trying to peer over her shoulder to see what's in her room)(if there was incense we'd have to have a "talk")( I never had her sign a lease for this very reason)(see? People's court ain't just for entertainment)

HER: YAH! It's so great here!

ME: good! Well, you know if you need anything or have any questions feel free to ask :) I'll be watching TV...I watch A LOT of TV! ha ha chuck chuck ( didn't want to give TOO many details here, like WHAT I watch on TV...just puttin' feelers out here) Do You?

HER: Well, I didn't have cable in New York...

(I think I fell over dead her and she had to revive me. I don't know because my mind went blank. Was there running water where she's from? HUGE. RED. FLAG. I went right back to the time I got a roommate in Utah, and she came over and said she'd be moving in her SNAKES that weekend but don't worry because they'll stay in their snake cage, which she had custom built as a coffee table, you know, so you could put your feet up on the snake cage while watching the evening news....)

HER:....I just was never home and when I was I would just rent whole dvd series of Law and order and anything else like it.

ME: !!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (One plus for her!)

HER: yah. it would get bad because I wouldn't go out all weekend, I'd just pull the curtains closed and watch back to back law and order ALLL DAY. I couldn't stop!

sister? are you my real long lost sister?

ME: Yah, I do that too!

MASSIVE conversation ensued about Law and Order do's and don'ts and every other TV series in the world. I was in heart with her. The hippie food I had witnessed earlier I had shoved into the back of my brain.


ME: (making good segue into food) So we have GREAT delivery stuff around....u vegetarian? ( I said this SO nonchalantly, but on the inside it was, I imagine what it feels like for a guy to propose, and that space in between the asking and the yes/no)

HER: NO! are you?


ME: (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF)(The blood and color came back to my face) NOOO! no. I was just curious, you know, I mean, I totally don't CARE if you are, I mean, lots of people are, I have friends who are, and I'm totally FINE with it. I mean. i have been vegetarian before (chocodiles have no meat products) and I LOVE vegetables and all. Just wondering.

HER: yah...well I just went shopping so if you want any of it, I got a big bottle of apple cider vinegar and some Kefir and salmon jerky. So if you want any, help yourself!

ME: Oh. Oh! that's soooooo sweet of you. I mean, I brought dinner, but uh, thanks. sooooo what do you do with the apple cider vinegar? I mean is it a drink, orrrrr, a condiment to your salmon jerky?

HER: I just drink it with each meal because it's supposed to be really good for your stomache.

I almost puked at the thought of it.

ME: mmmm. I think I've heard something like that before. But unfortunately, I am totally allergic to apple cider vinegar. It's a weird like family thing. vinegar. yah, my mouth itches and stuff when I have it. ( I say this with grave disappointment like I was saying i was allergic to coffee) But thanks!

she is SO not my sister. But whatever, to each his own. I wonder if this is the kind of disappointment a parnet feels when their children don't turn out the way they'd hoped. When perfect little bobby comes home in a pink dress, or when little amy sue gets arrested for her porn ring in 6th grade.


That was day ONE. This morning I came back from the park and the whole house REEKS of apple cider vinegar. So I made coffee and I am sitting here in my den drinking coffee hoping the smell of coffee would trump the ACV and it does not. In fact my stomach is churning because I am drinking coffee and inhaling APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. What? did she spray it around the house? I can't escape it.

AHHHHHHH!


She's super nice and cute, but how am I going to get over this!? And in THE MORNING?! WHO DRINKS APPLE CIDER VINEGAR IN THE MORNING!!

This will be interesting. maybe it's just the thing I need to get me outta the house, and KEEP me out. She better deliver on the TV end though.

Welcome to Barkingham Palace, please leave your shoes at the door.

I went shopping online for extra deluxe dog beds in an effort to MAYBE keep them off the furniture. pfff...right. I was shocked to see how insanely expensive they are now. And quite frankly, how insane they are in general. CHeck out this one. Next thing out...the kraft-matic-adjustable bed for dogs.

I bought the mini-couch looking one. It was between that and the pillow top one. I went with the couch one because I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PILLOW TOP BED!! And I purchased it with GREAT hesitation. I mean. really, they only deserve the Costo special. But the thing is, costco beds are SO UGLY! They'll probably still lie on the couch, but at least I tried.

Here were some other favorites that made me laugh out loud...





Oh, that last one cracks me up...I almost want to buy it just to laugh. God, If I got them one of these beds, next thing you know they'd be lying around waiting for me to feed them grapes while they read US weekly with mimosas.

Oh, and if you EVER come visit me and I actually HAVE one of these bad boys, it's time for an intervention.

Oh, and PS....If I buy two of the mini couch ones, they would total the same price as my regular couch. nice.

working dogs...

Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer says dogs NEED a job. That they are seriously unhappy unless they have a JOB to do, a job where they get to work A LOT.

hmmm.



I am thinking, given the choice, Mick and Maggie would be perfectly HAPPY on welfare, living in a double wide, getting drunk off the snausages they buy with their food stamps, and giggling themselves into a frenzy when they watch dog whisperer, convincing themselves that they DO work, work on creating the next great screenplay. They are ARTISTS. And artists work to CREATE. And how? can they create when they have to have a stupid job. Anyways, they say. they are SMARTER that those Caesar Dogs. Way Smarter. And then it's time for a nap. Because artists need their rest.

Cesar also says dog's energy matches their owners.

hmmph.

CLEARLY he doesn't know EVERYTHING.

My six degrees away from fame...still milkin it...

You know where she's going? any idea? any?

MY YOGA CLASS! She is on her way to see ME! That's the escalator up to MY CLASS!!

I better stay by her side now as she enters and leaves so I can be in the background.

someday. someday.

Oh, and by the way I DID NOT TAKE these pictures. I didn't have my camera that day would NEVER stalk someone like that!

I'm back. blah.

Well, I suppose the one good thing about being on american soil is that I can now post pics.

oh, and my dogs. there's that.

I'll start with boring pics that everyone takes on their vacations....except mine was a WORKING vacation let's not forget. And then they will get excitingly better!


"HEY! Check out those drunks yoga people on the beach!!"


This is a VERY important picture of the TACO TRUCK!!! I ate about 30 tacos in 24 hours. What? they were little!...and $1, which made it VERY easy to keep ordering. And plus, sometimes we ordered quesadillas, and those don't count.



Stalk-a-razzi 101. It's a start. You can run Kate, but you can't hide.

Told you it would get better!! And if I could have taken a picture of the mexican version of the twinkie, called "tuinky" I would have.

PS. To all the women over 40 who go off on yoga retreats because you want to dress in tight yoga clothes and pretend to be youthful again....

pigtails? no.