The mean streets of NY...

Sorry all my fans (Hi Dede & Carin!!) for not posting yesterday. i KNOW how you all eagerly await my wisdom and proverbs. I know because dede added "site" meter to my blog so I can check out who's reading and I went to the "world" map and I had dots placed in NY (me) and UT (Me again...and some friends who do "pity" comments) and LA (me) and N. CAL (my dad) I'll be popular in Singapore soon.

Anyway, I had like 3 clients yesterday, going to actual yoga classes at 6AM, and then teaching a class a day. Been pounding the pavement and since I never walk more than half a block from my house to starbucks in LA (I've driven there before) My shins are KILLING me. Now I have the whole day off!! Yippee! I just had lunch with my NYC "boyfriend" (if you know what I mean) (hi dad!) I've known him for years and we hook up have lunch whenever I'm here. He's not quite as hot as those pics make him seem. So don't think I'm all dating hot guys and stuff. But he's SO cute and adorable and SO not my type. He's in a rock band. Which makes him H.O.T. But not date-able.

And now I'm off to actual lunch. for real. with a GIRL friend. And some shopping. And making fun of people. Especially people who think Leggings are Pants....THEY'RE NOT.

seriously??

WOW. THIS beats "heather has two mommies" for sure!

Yoga People in NY are JUST as annoying as yoga people in LA

I was walking to my super hard yoga today (I pre-paid for the week...otherwise NO WAY would I have gone...I'm still sore from yesterday) (plus also there's this french croissant place that is tiny and a fat pink cheeked french guy named Claude is the only baker and all he makes are the most amazing croissants EVER and at 7:am they are still steamy melt in your mouth hot)

Anyway, I was waiting at the curb for the light to change and there was this girl in front of me, with her yoga mat strapped on her back (capital L.A.M.E.) and she is jumping up and down. Just waiting for the light, JUMPING up and down. Dude, lay off the adderall. It took all my peaceful yoga energy NOT to pick up my foot and knock her into the street.

You may be thinking, WHY? do you even DO yoga if you're a hater? BECAUSE this studio in New York has LOTS of famous people who go there and I have been NEXT to Gwyneth and what's his face from Batman...one of the evil guys...oh yah. willem da foe (i think that's how it's spelled) (maybe he's on the B list these days) (but he smiled at me once, so you know, I now KNOW him) and Madonna. Okay, I never SAW her there, but everyone says she goes there, so I go there JUST in case.

Plus it does kick my butt and there's SOMETHING about it that calms me down. Otherwise I would be even meaner and set flowers on fire and pinch babies and accidentally on purpose trip little kids who run down the aisles in grocery stores. (ummm, I might occasionally still do that one) (HAHA..J/K. LOL....sorta)

I mean, a lifetime of my mother forcing me into Vacation Bible school (vacation?! HA!) and bell choir and catholic school didn't take. SO, you know, prescription drugs, coffee and yoga make me manageable for society....hey! whatever works!

Going off to coffee now. Had the drugs and the yoga already. HAPPY HAPPY DAY!

These people also hand out raisins at halloween. organic free trade cruelty free raisins.

These were taken yesterday of an actual CHILD's birthday party at the little greenwich village playground for super fancy rich hippie kids and their nannies.

Here's the evidence that what I speak is the truth, because if I had just TOLD you about it, even though i am VERY trustworthy and not at ALL prone to exaggeration, you would NOT have believed me.








I need you to look carefully here. And notice the "party food" at this CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Items like, ummm, ORGANIC PLAIN RICE CAKES. It was the only evidence of "cake" on the table. sad. I see a therapy bill in this child's future. (actually, little harrison is probably already seeing someone)

And the multi grain organic crackers. THOSE are for the adults. The kids get the ORGANIC apple sauce cups. AND/OR and organic apples.

To wash it all down, there is a big gallon of REGULAR water, OR if you want to veer from the natural still water they have PLENTY of canada dry seltzer water. plain. It's not organic though, so that's probably for the hired help.

pillow talk...

setting the stage here...

My close friend of mine who I'm staying with in NY. We're reminiscing on her bed, slumber party style, talking about our sex lives or lack thereof, making fun of friends, shoe sales....the usual stuff. We just ate dinner and had our favorite cake from our favorite bakery....

ME: UGH! I am so mad at eating that cake because it was DISGUSTING! And SO not worth it.

HER: I KNOW~ what happened? they used to be THE BEST.

ME: MASS PRODUCTION!

HER: STUPID TOURISTS is what it is!

ME: yah...They have gone DOWNHILL.

HER: seriously, my slice was SO dry.

ME: I KNOW!! Mine too! Like, WAY dry. Like stale bread crumbs in my mouth!

HER: YAH! like drier than both our coochies!

Ancient Chinese secret huh.....

errrrr. I just woke up late and missed my super hard yoga class I was supposed to take from this yoga master dude here especially from India. THIS! is why I don't drink. Well, I mean I did drink last night. One. Maybe 2.

But my hangover isn't so much from that I don't think. It's more like a chinese food hangover from THE BEST CHINESE FOOD EVER! (in fact, there ARE leftovers in the fridge...) (no, no...today is bagel day) I tell you their general tso's packs a punch! Oh, and they have these handmade dumplings and noodles in this super spicy sauce stuff. You HAVE to get past the hanging upside down rosted ducks in the window though (I just pretend they're paper mache ducks. That the chinese have arts and crafts too)

So naturally I ordered about 5 dishes cuz I wanted a little of everything, and a little of everything turned into A LOT of everything and now I have a shrimpfriedwonton headache.

I also never drink. So when/if I do my friends get ALL excited like they've accomplished some great feat. You can see the pride in their face when I take that first sip as if they're like "hey! I did that! I got her to drink!" not unlike the brothers in the Life cereal commercial of yesteryear...I am the Mikey.

And ALL night I was like "I can't, I have yoga in the morning....I can't I have yoga in the...." Which made them more determined because if I got a vegan to eat fried little pork balls I would bow down to myself too.

Oops. So, now instead of a mind/body connection, it's gonna be more of a coffee/body connection. YAY! way better than indian world sage yoga leaders! I wonder if I'll even ever USE my yoga mat that I hauled over here? well. it's nice to be prepared anyway, to dream big. In yoga we say "it's your INTENTION that matters." Sure does! And now, I am off to my other intention. And I "intend" to be nice. And I "intend" to only have one cup and no chocolate chip cookies that they make fresh in the AM. And then I "intend" to do yoga later. Ah..DREAMS! that's what this country is MADE of!!

update

I just landed. Sitting on runway. Moth ball lady was watching animal planet for about an hour...a show all about SNAKES! Snakes in the toilet, snakes living in peoples kitchen cupboards, whole snake families discovered under someones kitchen sink. Gawd...i will have nightmares for weeks. And I couldn't even avoid seeing it cuz it was the time they were handing out diet cokes and no way am I missing my free diet coke. Freaks.

Also just as plane was about to land I had to pee so bad it felt like daggers. Got up when I wasn't supposed to and flight guy was all "not supposed to get up" so I pointed to my stomach and mouthed "pregnant" and then he goes "still not supposed to get up. I smiled as I bolted into the b.

Can't wait to am-scray off this flight.

I'm on the plane and the people next to me smell like mothballs!! Blyackkkk!! Gonna be a long flight. Sad face :( note to self...make way more money so don't have to be with moth ball passengers. Want first class where people smell like daisies and rainbows.

friday night blah-g

When I got to my class tonight, about 10 mins early, there was some couple lying on their mats with their eyes closed holding hands. BLAAAAACHK. I just wanted to walk over there and step on their little fingers all entwined, and be all "OOPS! didn't see your hands there where they don't belong, in between the mats. WE DON'T DO THAT HERE"

But of course I would be fired or something (I mean, I would deny it if they told, but just trying to avoid confilct) So, naturally I simply went to the stereo and put on justin Timberlake. LOUD. They jolted up and looked all around, clearly annoyed that I had disturbed their little tantric meditation there. Confused, bewildered. The old lady one looked at me and was all "is this the right room for yoga?" and I was pretending not to notice their annoyance and said "YEP!"

HA.HA. Get a room next time. losers.

I'm thinking, that they DO know evil

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera

EDEN? PARADISE? PEACE? GLORIOUS?

mmmm, not so much.

I love that maggie is looking completely innocent and bored as she reaps the benefits of Mick's "rearranging" of the bed clothes. So like a woman.

ho hum.

when life gives you lemons....Throw 'em out and GO SHOPPING!

every so often, I can see the glass as half full. Ha ha...not really, but it sounded good!

I shuffled around ALL day yesterday in my Target furry slippers and Pj's ala a patient moping around with their IV bag on wheels. (and by Pj's I mean the yoga pants I wore all day the day before but fell asleep in and woke up late so didn't change them) My Norwegian "friend" said 'you are SUCH a baby. You feel SO sorry for yourself for such a little injury"

Uh, LITTLE?? I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! you ICY NORDIC BITCH! Geez, those icelandic girls have been hardened by all those arctic winds. Also, they don't have starbucks in Norway, so it's no wonder they're cold and bitter. She's just Jealous cuz I'm American, and she's NOT! HA! HA! Let's see who gets a "little" injury when I put banana peels all over those stairs.

So anyway, this post will serve as a medical guide of sorts, for those who find themselves severely injured in the lip by cement stairs. Here are some holistic things I found to ease the pain...

I call this, YOU! WITH A FAT LIP....The Owner's Manual....

1. FIrst, lying around all day with this medicinal remedy....


ALL of season 1, back to back, lessens the pain.

2. Ancient Chinese Secret Remedy, LIKE acupuncture. only better. And no needles...ick!



....Extra whip, with chopped up chocolate chips. Okay, maybe not chinese, maybe seattle-ese. Helps numb the pain. Goodbye Ice packs!

3. Trip to VInce.com...since you can't actualy go OUT in public.



Keeps you from getting hypothermia. And seriously, SO CUTE! And I am SURE, cruelty free! May SEEM expensive, but WAY cheaper than ambulance trip to the emergency room.

4. like ointment on an open wound, you need some supplements, like THIS and THIS and THIS.

Take one a day, pull the softness over your head, and feel the pain melt away. You may get addicted, BUT they won't put you in rehab. WAY better than Vicodin!!

5. And last but not least, you NEED to get some rest!



***these methods have NOT been proven effective by the FDA
***but should be

I've fallen and I can't get up!

I think I've reached the age where I'm gonna have to get one of those emergency necklaces you wear around your neck, for when you've fallen out of your wheelchair or walker, mostly sold to those who are long time members of the lawn bowling club and AARP and live in complexes called "silver Hill" and "pine meadows adult day care"

Anyway, long story VERY short. I tripped on NOTHING and slammed my face into the stairs. NOT carpeted stairs. CEMENT stairs. SO I have a HUGE fat bloody scrapey lip. I look like I got BAD collagen injections. And living in LA and all, NO ONE will believe me when I say I fell and hit the stairs.

I LOVE MONDAYS! At least I could cancel my class tonight. AS IF I'm gonna go to yoga looking like this! And no, I will not post a picture. I will only post pictures when I;m SUPER skinny and my hair is blown dry straight from the salon. So basically don't hold your breath.

I can't even have a salted caramel mocha at starbucks :( It's best not to try to make contact with me today, I'm injured and no coffee. A wounded mountain Lion would be less likely to tell you off.

I had a good post for today but now i can't remember. It was actually something about me being happy and fall, and caramel mochas. It woulda been weird, me posting happy thoughts anyway. So, nothing lost, really.

K have a horrible miserable day like me GREAT DAY!!!

this is a cruelty free blog. Wait, no, It's actually pretty cruel.

Maggie Gyllenhall was on the View yeasterday and she was talking, in a VERY pious voice reserved for religious LEADERS ONLY, about a fashion show for designers, who, get this, design environmentally friendly clothes! We've visited this topic before....environmental clothes=UGLY. And uglier. But aside from that? WHAT?!?!? Isn't, like, cotton already environmentally friendly enough for you there Maggie?

They proceeded to show a bunch of ugly nasty dresses that will NEVER make the shelves of Forever 21 (where I awlays shop, of course) (there is NOTHING better than seeing someone approaching 40 at the forever 21 store) And the View women, who will NEVER be caught dead in those frocks, were all like, "oh." and "well, what is the material?" and Maggie was all "THIS dress is made of TOFU!!"

Coco Chanel just rolled over in her grave. (she's dead right? no?...well whatever. details details)

But the best was when Maggie took off her jacket and showed HER dress (which she will never wear again...let's see this crusade at the oscars MAGGIE) and when Whoopie said "well, that just looks like silk" and Then, and this was where I went in the kitchen and stuck my head in the toaster oven, Maggie goes "YAH! it IS silk! But it's CRUELTY FREE SILK"

I'm sorry? Beg Pardon? So, what. the little worms got to live in a deluxe fully equipped penthouse loft in New york city ala America's next top model? And were they fed little worm caviar and sushi on little worm platters? And when they got tired of making silk, were they paid overtime?

I mean THAT silk is WAY different from regular silk, where the worms never see daylight, and are left to work and die in cramped worm cages. Where the worms are WAY underage to be making so much silk, and where they work like, 18 hour days. Gosh, I am SO.GLAD. there is FINALLY cruelty free silk! We have been SUCH an irresponsible greedy nation...but, THANK YOU JESUS, JOSEPH and MARY....we are about to atone.

friday morning fantasies...

Hmmm, It's friday. I have THE WHOLE day ahead of me. i don't have to teach a class until 5:30..what to do. what to do. As I lie in bed right now, half heartedly watching Regis and kelly (Ruseel Crowe is on....WHAT?! has happened to HIM?! He has a scraggly white/grey beard and a LONG hippie-esque ponytail and his hair is parted right down the middle. Gladiator indeed) I am fantasizing about what my day COULD be if I weren't so lazy. Here's what I would do If I ever got out of bed...

I would put on a tie die tee shirt that says "feeding by bare breast is BEST!" (if I had one) and birkenstocks (ditto THAT) and I would have mini jingle bells on my cankles and hemp braids (nay, pig tails!) and a couple buttons that say "I'm here, I'm queer...GET USED TO IT" and "pro choice has a voice!" and then I would douse myself in nasty patchouli oil, and I would go volunteer for the morning at the McCain campaign headquarters.

THEN I would come home and change, giggling in my car the WHOLE way while listening to the new gwen stefani, and go home and change INTO my McCain Campaign '08! white tee, real fur shorts, and snakeskin manolo blahniks, and go shopping at whole foods but stand at the entrance, smoking a cigarette before I go in. And FIrst thing, I'd ask "WHAT AISLE IS BABY FORMULA IN?"

ahhhh. But we all know I'll never do it. Could you imagine what this world could be, the possibilities if people would just GET UP and go after their dreams?! Yah, I can't imagine it either.

BUT I still might try to find that McCain tee...just to wear while I teach. But if I did, I'd wear it like ALL.THE.TIME. Except to my mom's house. She would die of excitement. I would be let back into the fold. The fold where Baby Jesus, and Lexuses and Republicans reside.

Well, I better get back to my work. My friend gave me season one of gossip girl last night, and I am only on book 2 in the "twilight" series. I have A LOT of work to do.

Forget the british shoes, here's some real news...

Hate to toot my own horn, but BEEP BEEP! Drew Barrymore was in my class again. I love when she comes because I get to act all cool and smug, and walk around like, "that's right, it's drew barrymore, no big. She's ALWAYS here. Because, well, I am CLEARLY THE BEST in town."

And I walk out of class with an air of aristocracy, turn my nose up at the plebians who ARE NOT DREW, like I just tolerate having them in class, like they should be grateful because do they know WHO I AM?

Those Crafty Brits

OHMYGOD! I so totally am ordering THESE Mostly for the wording on their homepage..."bonding with your couch...favorite pastime is lazinesss" I think I'm related to these people.

PLUS they're from the UK. Anything from the UK is cool. Cuz then when people are all "hey! where'd you get those shoes?" and they say it with a snide little smile, like they're making a compliment, but really they think they're SO ugly and they're being funny. BUT THEN you're like "I got them in THE UK. And voila! They've just been SHUT DOWN.

For all I know, these shoes are sold at the UK version of All-A-Dollar. (except, it'd be ALL-A-Pound) (or something) (actually they would want it to rhyme too, so maybe it'd be "Around-A-Pound")( And they're smarter than us, so their title wouldn't bind them to that exact price either)

Hey, I wonder if the economy will make the all-a-dollar inventory go down? Like, they'll just have single pack smarties and old Smurfette pocket mirrors. Or will it go UP because all the stores will go broke and maybe you could score a Gap tee at the all-a-dollar! We'll just have to keep checking.

Tar-shay

I left early for pasadena today because I had something VERY IMPORTANT to get at target. And then on the way driving there I also remembered I wanted to buy some headbands. Now that my hair is short... too short actually because now I can't put it in a pony tail without the sides falling all down and me looking like a house frau with a drinking problem and 4 cats.

SO, got to target, and got my basket and went trolling around, mesmerized as always by pretty bags of candy, halloween candy! nonetheless, and clearance items like old beef jerky and expired spaghetti sauces. And I mean, they get you right as you walk in with the dollar bins filled with hello kitty pens and all kinds of cute sparkly crap that people of generation X, latch key divorced children of alcoholics, were deprived of as kids. They have our age group PEGGED.

Now you see where this story is going. I got the headbands, which totally don't work by the way. they even say "33% stronger grip!!" I don't know what they were before they got 33% stronger, but they slid off my hair like buttah. Well, $88 and a few pkgs of new gum, three books, a bag of halloween pumpkin candy corns and a new flavor of toothpaste later, I left withOUT the one really important thing I left early for in the first place. what was it? we may never know. Well, I will never know until I go to GET the thing I need from my cupboard and when it's not there I'll be all "THAT's WHAT I NEED AT TARGET!! I BETTER GET IT TODAY"

sigh. And then the cycle starts all over again.

I think that, of ALL the companies worried about the financial crisis, Target is so totally not one of them.

Girl on bike

Now, be sure you turn the volume up so you can hear her hit the pavement.

Kids say the darndest things part two

My 7 yr old neice....

"auntie Kristi....you have white hairs growing out of your head!"

'nuf said

kids say the darndest things!

My friends house, last night.

CHARACTERS PRESENT: : My friend, we'll call her Fraula, and her husband, phill, and her sister, carmin, and me. And Phill's mom and dad.

PHILL'S MOM (midstory)...and then there I was, on the toilet, minding my own business and here comes CRAWLING TOWARD me a SPIDER! And I lifted my feet and didn't know WHAT to do and it was stll crawlin' towards me closer to the toilet and I jumped off that toilet so fast I dont' even think I wiped....

PHILL: GEEZ MOM! That was just a little spider, ad you're like TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS!

FRAULA, CARMIN, and I waited a beat, testing the reactions, and proceeded to laugh so hard we were crying, and I was literally about to pee my pants, had to excuse myself to the bathroom.

Phil's mom pretended not to hear that, or didn't care.

But I'm going to bet that she went home quietly with her husband, excused herself to her bedroom, where she gently pulled her special jewelry box out from under her bed, Her special box that held all her children's baby pictures, her grandmothers wedding ring, children's birth certificates, and homemade birthday cards, written by loving adoring kindergarten hands, edges brown with age. And other such valuables, among them her last will and testament. She carefully unfolded it, and with a slight l smile to her lips, pulled out a ball point pen and scratched out Phil's name slowly at first, and then so fast and hard that it ripped right through the page. She kept going and going until the ball point of the pen was pushed so deep back that it no longer worked. She then gently folded it up, put it back in the box, and started laughing maniacally, almost drunk with power.

That's what I think happened. And when I am old with children, I will make them read this particular blog entry. just as a reminder.

One more product placement...

I'm sorry, but this was just too cool to pass up! First Pillsbury toaster strudels, and now this!



These? are toaster pockets, aka! Toastabags and they are here to save the day!

The genius invention allows you to make a deliciously toasty sandwich in three minutes sans butter, mess, or cleanup. Throw some Havarti and ham on whole wheat, slip the sandy in the bag, and put it in the toaster. PLUS you can even throw some eggs and veggies in for an OMELET! Basically, you can put ANYTHING in here and toaster it! wooooo!

PLUS Each one can be reused up to 300 times.

WOnder if you can do cookie dough? This is going to change the face of cooking (in my house) as we know it!

I

monday musings....

hey! How cool is this?! And to think I'm working all hard over here in CA when I could have invented this!



Also? I invented THIS WAYYYY long ago, but just didn't have the mechanics to get it together. This kind of thing at least makes camping ONE step closer to being possible. I mean, you know, as soon as the ritz carlton makes tents and electric hiking carts that is.



Now, all they have to do is combine these two products and you're set for life basically. Iced lattes at your fingertips!

I could have invented A LOT of things. But here are some things that aren't invented yet (I don't think) but I should invent them but won't and then in a couple of years some chick will be on oprah for inventing the VERY things I have mentioned here!

A teddy bear that's like an electric blanket. But like, you microwave it, and there's something in it that warms up, and stays warm for like 8 hrs. And then little kids can have a warm teddy all night. And I supposed if you're a lonely old guy you could have a warm 'lady' with you all night, but that's an entirely different product, really. Maybe this is already invented, but even if it is, I thought of it WAY long ago.

An application for your iphone that translates any language spoken near you. So say you're getting you nails done, you'd TOTALLY know what they're saying about you.

A mini espresso pod machine that's built into your car dashboard. Actually, what Apple needs to do is have an "icar"
here are the specs for the icar...

-comes equipped with built in ipod/itunes system, where if you want to record or hear a song you just shout it out, and it plays the song and downloads it all at once. And 'auto'matically (get it? HA!) charges your account.

-cross promoted with starbucks to have a mini espresso pod where you just press a button and espresso comes into a little icup. ePods AND ipods are available at starbucks, which you can order FROM your car and have ready for pickup.

- the 'key' to your icar is your iphone...AND a credit card. so you don't have to carry anything else around with you. You just call your car and it unlocks, starts your espresso AND turns the engine on.

- there is no more "gps' system...it is now ips...you just call out the address and your car knows where to go. you are still in control and all, but if you're supposed to turn left, say, then your blinker goes on when you need to turn left! Also your icar is programmed to know all the nearest starbucks and will just drive there on command. Also, you can locate your car from your iphone, in case you forget where you parked and/or someone borrowed your icar to 'go tot the grocery store' and then you can see where they REALLY are.

-has built in mini trash compactor

-iphone stores drivers license insurance and registration on command. No more digging in the glove box. Glove box replaced with icrowave...a mini bake oven/microwave combo.

That's all i can think of for now. I'm sure I'll be obsessing and adding all day long.
there are other inventions that I have, but now I'm too tired to remember them. Good thing Benjamin Franklin didn't have my lazy gene pool, eh?

CONVERSATIONS with a black moving guy on a saturday morning.....

ME: (entering tiny elevator) So, is this the last piece of furniture?

HIM:(also in tiny elevator, corn rolls & pony tail, giant baggy jeans with airbrush black man face across the right pant) Not yet. But I surprised you didn't I? I surprised YOU with how FAST I am. You didn't think. I know. I was watchin' you. How long you been in LA?

ME: About 3 yrs.

HIM: WHere you befo' that?

ME: New York

HIM: AHhhhh. I knew there was a reason I had an eye fo' you.

ME: (uh oh) Ohhhh. Ha. yah.

HIM: (looks me up and down) mmmm. You are built like SUM'thin else. You just been workin' out?

ME: (GAWWDDDD! WHY?) noooo. I just teach yoga. That's why I'm in yoga clothes.

HIM: YOGA! AH. I been meanin' to try that stuff. You give them PRI-vate lessons??? CUz I need some PRI-vate lessons.

ME: OH no. nononono...., I just teach at a gym.

HIM: What else you do?

ME: (goddamn slow elevator!) ohhhh. NOTHING. I do nothing.

HIM: ME EITHER! That's what I'm tellin' you. That's why we need to CO-lla-BO-rate.

ME: ohhh, yah. ha. ummm....hey! here we are! Oh and there are my friends....JEN! JEN! The movers are ready for the couch!!

In honor of my Norwegian Best friend...

These are two amazing clips on Norwegian Lifestyle. AND for those of you Michael Moore naysayers, Inga is sitting here right next to me on the couch saying "it's all true." Isn't it CRAZY??? On the second video below, pay attention to how the woman says that when breast feeding they "don't whip out their boobs or anything" Whole Foods Women...take a lesson!

Best place to be a mom - Norway

life is just an ordinary, extraordinary day...

This morning I was doing my usual thing, you know, getting up and all, and I poked my contacts in and reached for the remote to flip on the TV and I was barely awake when I saw an announcer reading a list of names. And I was all "what's that?" and then I realized. It's 9/11. How could I forget? how do we get SO busy like that?

And for SOME reason, as they were reading the names I was riveted. I listened to every.single.name. because all of a sudden it seemed so personal. Like they weren't just NAMES. They were people. I know this seems obvious, and I am having a 7 yr delayed response here, but here it is nonetheless. Among all the STUPID news coverage lately (and if I'm saying it's stupid, then it's bad) here is this tribute to remind us what's important.

And that's the whole thing. How valuable everyone is. Even the hippies. How we obsess about our differences and prey on each other's soft spots. How we constantly judge each other, ya know? How we get SO busy that we forget how good we have it. how one last smile from a stranger may be your last smile, so notice it. And maybe if we just start small, like remembering the impact we have on each other and just once reminding yourself to connect with a stranger. just once is a good start. to remember that your face could be the last they see...so make it a good one.

Nothing earth shattering here. I'm not saying drop everything and smell the roses. I'm not saying to hug the ones you love, cuz that's easy, hugging the ones you LOVE. I'm just saying that as they read those names all I could think was that if I had lost someone in 9/11, that if that someone was on their way to the twin towers and this was their last moment, I would have hoped that someone on their way to work would have smiled, or done something like hold the door for them, or let them go first. Maybe its those smallest gestures, not the big ones that keep us connected.

And in a time like now, when opinions and "rightness" have run amok, we can just remember to stay small and kind. To not ONLY offer up our best parts to strangers, but to receive the best parts of others we are offered every single day, but just don't notice or even see as valuable.

I know. I know, This kind of stuff from me is usually buried in a hermetically sealed cryogenic bunker under Popeye's chicken. But there you go. I'll be back at it tomorrow. Maybe I'll give a hippie a break on my next Whole Foods trip, which will be soon because I ate all my, erm, vitamins.

Perils of a yoga teacher, Book 6, Chapter 1:You reap what you sow...

I JUST got home from teaching a class tonight. There MUST be something in the yogic air, because I am NOT EVEN KIDDING when I tell you that after class I went into the bathroom to, well, to pee, and I ran into a woman who just took class, TOTALLY NAKED with HUGE fake boobs....no towel or anything. She had, apparently, just whipped off her clothes after class, and pranced around the locker room.

I tried to book it with my head down to the stalls, but OF COURSE she stops midway to the sink and TALKS TO ME. shitshitshitshit.

"OH MY GAAWWWDDDD...that was THE hardest class!' she's just standing there, her fake boobs floating on her chest, they are SO HIGH UP that I couldn't even NOT see them as I tried to FREEZE my eyes on hers.

"WHEN ELSE DO YOU TEACH?!?" I felt like an 8th grade boy at his first nudie bar. I didn't know what to say or where to look. I think her left nipple actually poked me in the eye.

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A CLASS LIKE THAT! IT WAS FUN. I MEAN I'VE DONE YOGA AT A STUDIO WHERE......." My mind was a complete blank. WHO? is this woman!! My heart was thumping out of my chest. I think it was scared of the giant boobs across the way, like they were big threatening bullies who were all "WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU AND WE WILL CUT YOU"

This is my payback, I was thinking, for all my bitching about the hippies and the beatniks and using the word 'retarded' WAY too many times. This was the dalai lama smacking me around. So naturally I begged to my REGULAR god. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE baby jesus....MAKE her go away!!! Remember when I was in the Bell Choir? When I went to Bible Camp ? When I played wise man #3 in the Nativity scene? Even though I accidentally on purpose pulled Molly Burns' hair because she got to be Mary...

FInally I heard the words... "WELL THANKS! I'LL BE THERE EVERY WEEK.

I feel like a fugitive at my own Job. I avoid all the students as it is. I get there only minutes before class, and I bolt before everyone else, unless a velvet clad tree hugger blocks my way (they're good at that) (SORRY GOD!) I don't even feel safe in my own home. I've been scarred. When the chinese delivery came just now I was seriously expecting to open the door and he'd be all "you wanna nookie nookie in your fortune cookie" while wearing nothing but a samurai sword and a take-out menu.

I'm exhausted. I suppose this would be what SOME people call Karma. But then I don't believe in Karma, cuz then, can you imagine what would happen to meter maids??

Things that MAKE MY DAY!!

A woman came up to me in line at whole foods ( I ONLY go there for cheese puffs vitamins. And she was of some foreign country, sweden maybe? Total tourist. And she had some fruit rolls in her hand and she came up to me (I musta looked safest from the hemp dreadlocked mom's who were whipping out there boobs to breast feed) and she was like "where are ze cigarettes?" and I practically dropped my VITAMINS on the floor. The moms practically spit farm harvested soy milk on her and turned their patchouli organic cotton diapered baby's away ( i am not even kidding) And I was like " I don't THINK they have cigarettes here. They MIGHT, but I doubt it." And she looked at me puzzled. "non?" and incredulous. I was like "i know. i know. (as IF I ever smoked, but I knew our entire conversation was bugging EVERYONE in line so I hammed it up) they SHOULD have cigarettes here, but they don't. it's WEIRD.(shrug shoulders) But I know you can GET CIGARETTES next door at CVS." I don't even know if she understood me. But the organic mommies sure did. I also just kept repeating the word CIGARETTE loudly as many times as I could fit in a sentence. ahhh. You just don't get opportunities like that every day.

brand new soft white tee shirts

brand new soft white socks

people who trip right in front of you, but they don't totally fall and they try to recover, but they end up wobbling all over, then do a small jog, and then they try to be cool about it.

Brand new shoe smell right when you open the box. The more expensive the shoe, the better the smell. The more expensive the shoe when you just spent your gas bill on them, the WAY more intoxicating the smell. aahhhhh.

when there's not one but TWO of your favorite show on, new episodes, back to back.

when the starbucks guy DOESN'T charge you for vanilla syrup.

So far, so good. But I do have to drive to the airport today. Maybe I'll win a free trip to paris! or or maybe Someone will try to cut me off and run into the divide!

perils of a yoga teacher, book 5, chapter 6

I had my old client today, he's like i dunno, 72 or something, and I went to adjust him in this hip opener pose, and he was wearing these slick pants and my hand fully slipped and....well....you can tell where this is going. And it isn't good. I about died, said "ohmygodSORRY" and he was like "no, eees okay" (he's french....they're progressive like that) and for him, that was that. Me? i was mortified. I turned bright red. I couldn't focus. I was terrified to do the other side and NOT adjust him, and yet what if I hit his ding-a-ling again? I mean this is a guy is MY FATHER'S AGE. I am feeling pukey even talking about it.

I mean I have had two instances like this before. Once I was putting my foot right on a guy's hip and my foot slipped and I stepped on IT. But that was more of an ordeal for him than me. And another time I went to grab a guy's leg and he tipped over and I tried to catch him, and oh, I caught him alright. That was embarrassing, but he was gay and we both laughed. Don't get me wrong it was a nervous laugh for me. THAT! is never a comfortable situation.

I swear, why can't I just have a nice climate controlled office job? where the only danger is a paper cut.

la dolce vita....

Maggie is turned upside down on my bed snoring.

I'm watching Tyra banks on the Fox Morning News.
(I capitalized that to give FOx News the prestige and credibility that they so truly deserve)

I just ate a breakfast of Barbara's Cheese Puff Bakes (ditto the cap's on those, and if you have never eaten them DON'T START because then you will not only eat them as your entire dinner, but the next morning you'll be excited to GET UP so you can eat them for breakfast)( And Make sure to get the regular ones AND the white cheddar)(and they're from WHOLE FOODS so they're TOTALLY HEALTHY)

And I don't have to work until 6:30...PM

ahhhh...THIS! is the life. This is what my little girl dreams were made of. I mean, in my dreams I was also married to Shaun Cassidy (I needed to link to this pic because if you google 'sean cassidy' all that shows up are hundreds of pics of a Gay Porn Star, and I was all 'OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!??!?!) (not that there's ANYthing wron with gay porn stars. we all have our thing.)

(ummm, Fox News just did a story on a woman who was found dead in her house, and they were all 'we can't release her name because her family members haven't been reached yet' and then they did a full span of the front of her house and then the reported stood RIGHT in front of her house, with her car parked out front. Geez, glad they're not protecting my credit info.)

I won't mention that earlier this morning Mick ran into the house muddy...and excited...and jumped INTO my bed. My unmade bed so he hit every layer of bed sheet/comforter/top blanket/pillow cases. So you know, God Blessed me with Tyra and cheese puffs to make up for Mick and....just Mick. That's enough strife for one person.

Well, that's my Monday. How's yours goin'?

Freddy Lexus will be signing autographs at your local barnes & noble

1. ROCKSTAR NAME : (first pet, current car)
freddy lexus! (hey...that's a good one!)
2. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite shoe)
Jamoca Oreo UGG! (an' don' you fuh-get it!)
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first 3 letters of last name)
Kkam (K-kam and the jammy jam!)
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
That's MS. Periwinkle blue dog at your service!
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Diane Pasadena
6. STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first)
kamka
7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's THE PINK FRAPPUCINO!
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Edward Grampy (I cant remember my grampy's first name!)
9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mom & dad's middle names)
Louise Lawrence (oh God, i am NEVER testifying against a mobster)
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your 6th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Knox Knoxville (ha!) (knoxville's a city right? in the south somewhere? right?)
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
halloween daisy (i might just legally change to this one)
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie")
Mango Pajamie (I guess I would be a "japanimantion" star)
13. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
chinese leftovers maple tree, duuuude.
14. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + your favorite hobby/craft, favorite weather element + "Tour")
The Making Fun of People Snow Tour! **SOLD OUT** (edgy, no?)
15. CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: (half of your name, half of your significant other's name, mixed together in whichever order sounds best)
TBA
16. STRIPPER NAME (current pet+street you grew up on)
Magnolia Monterey
and if we were at chippendales....Mick Cozad

STAGE MOM....

I may not be famous (yet) but LOOK AT MY DOG!!! (these are videos from a new TV show!! If you're super bored, just click on a designer and watch my new meal ticket do his job!) I couldn't be prouder (wipe tear). Now, where's that paycheck Mick!? Momma needs a new pair o' shoes!

summer lovin' and eyelashes

Yesterday was a really fun day swimming with my nephew drew and the dogs. It was a perfect summer day, so I thought....





...hmmmm....the dogs are wet....and carin had that whole wet-eyelash-photo-challenge. And there were pics like this etc...And I LOVE challenges, but was all "hmmm, I don't have kids" So when my precious "children" were in the pool and I had my little point and shoot camera....I was all "HEY! I don't have to be left out of the challenge! My dogs have eyelashes!!! I'l show THEM wet eyelashes!"

SO after about 4 hours, I got THIS.



And then FINALLY this.



Challenge indeed! It was like a comedy show. Me. trying to get eyelash pictures. of MY DOGS. Well, I've HAD dumber ideas in life. Mick didn't know what the hell I was doing. When I would hold his head with all my might, he would roll his eyes all the way back. (the first pic) When I would put the ball by my feet so he'd look down he would look side to side so fast all I could finally manage was ONE wet eyelash...barely. Drew just shook his head at me and after a looonnnnggggg time was even all "auntie kristi....WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" As I told him the whole eyelash challenge, out of breath from chasing them around, he just looked at me puzzled, shrugged his shoulders (in the way only kids can do when they think adults have completely lost their shit and there's a small look of horror on their innocent faces for that flash of thought that this might happen to them when they're adults) and was like "whatever" and jumped in the pool.

Maybe I'll just start dressing the dogs up in cute hats and leggings for my photo shoots. Or maybe it's just time to start reproducing.....

hmmmmm...

..........
........
.....

I'm going out to baby gap now, to see if they have any cute leggings for maggie.

I know this is a cop out...

and yet...it's SO funny I cried laughing about 5 times. In a row. I had to keep pushing PLAY because I laughed so hard.

ME in 30 years!!

There are a few reasons I have gone MIA.

1. I was innocently listing my old iphone on ebay and I got sucked right into the vacuous hole of "bargains" on ebay. This isn't even past tense. I am checking my bids as we speak. I already won a Diane Von Furstenberg dress ($69!!!) and have several other auctions in the works. oooh, I also SCORED on the iphone sale...$600!!! If you have an old iphone...SELL IT. (and to think, I almost 'gave' it to my brother!)

2. I have some sort of throat/ear/sinus infection. it keeps coming and going. I finally went ti the doctor and was told I can't work out for two weeks. yah, I drove home in tears. tears of JOY! So that makes my life pretty boring too. Yet, I have WAY more energy. More enegy to ebay!

3. This whole condo buying thing is the most stressful pain in the ass thing I have ever done. EVER. When My gay friend got excommunicated from his church, he had to sit in front of like 12 guys, and go over all his indiscretions, which I am pretty sure are called sins and him being gay and all, there were a LOT of sins to be accounted for. I don't really remember or know what went on in there, I just remember how horrifying it would be to sit in front of 12 men who were all "....item number Three Hundred Twenty Two: tell us about the incident behind the bleachers at the BYU game...WITH THE COACH...AND THE QUARTEBACK....AND THE TUBA PLAYER!!!!!!" Well, That's how I FEEL going to every different bank to get my loan and pulling out my credit report. over. and over. and over. I have now been "excommunicated" from Wells Fargo, FIrst Republic, and Charles Schwab.

That's about it. Oh, and also season 4 of "Rescue Me" is on DVD. And there are a LOT of good books out now, books I haven't even begun to read! tragic.

sigh.

I have to go re-do my '07 taxes now. Seems I left off a few things. That's SO FUN. I might be excommunicated from the government soon too.

Hostess with the Mostest

This is just one of those mornings where I woke up craving stuff. If I didn't have Tunde in 3 hours I might have caved. AND while watching FOX news there was a commercial for pizza rolls! AND then following that was one for pillsbury toaster streudels, where they pull it apart and the frosting melts with the strawberry filling...

TORTURE! IT couldn't have been worse unless it followed with a hostess commercial. hey, why aren't there any hostess commercials? Have they been banned? Like, they're SO bad for you there has been an ordinance to not show them on TV like cigarettes? And what ever happened to Dolly madison? I think my next pet will be named dolly madison. La La La.

I bet Suze Ormon would yell at me for eating hostess stuff. (TUNDE: I did NOT eat any ding dongs this week. I was just SAYING that Suze Ormon would yell at me, like IF I ate them how I USED to. past Tense. It was a JOKE)

When I was about 6, My grandma Nita and I saved Knudsen Yogurt tops for tickets to the circus in San Diego. She would bundle them together with rubber bands in packs of ten. We ate a LOT of yogurt. I forget how many we needed, but we made the quota and she got two tickets to the circus, AND two train tickets to get down there. I had NEVER been on a train. It was probably the most exciting trip I ever took. When we were on the train she handed me a little backpack FILLED with cracker jacks, Tab soda, and gulp, THREE packets of hostess donuts. Chocolate. Powdered. Crumb. I was beside myself. (My mom would NEVER buy those. they were forbidden. Our 'sugar' 'treat' was raisin bran IF she was feeling jovial. I used to get to the box first and dump it out and take out ALL the sugar coated raisins, all but like 10. Then I would eat them in one bowl and by the time Craig got to the box, I would be all "wow...not too many raisins in there, huh!)

SO, anyway, My grandma said I could eat ONE packet now, and then save the rest for the circus. I don't even remember the stupid circus. I just remember that backpack sitting on my lap, counting the second until I could eat my donuts.

It started early, those addictions. Our parents' attempts to keep us off sugar just eventually backfired. By the time I got to college I went hostess Crazy. My roommate And I discovered the HOSTESS OUTLET. I bought in bulk. Raisin bran gave way to A LOT of captain crunch and lucky charms (mmmmm Lucky charms!!)

Ah, those were the days. The good ole days 'o plenty.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY MICK!!!!

FROM THIS...


TO THIS





Dear Mick,

It has been, ummm, an eventful year with you. You were SO cute that first day I brought you home. I had NO idea what ticked underneath all that yellow cottony fur. The first 10 minutes home you fell asleep right on my shoes. And I was all "WHAT a sweet little angel!"

That was the last time I ever said those words. sigh. As soon as you woke up the "fun" began. You were SO tiny that you fit under EVERYTHING. You loved my bed best. you would get under there where I couldn't reach you and just run around in circles and bark. And later, I realized that you were probably barking at all the mattress material you had ripped out from the box spring. You were not a snuggly puppy. You liked your private sleep space. You slept in ever tiny crevice in the house, you liked it behind the recliner chair.

You would play hard, and then pass out.

toys lasted about 20 minutes when you were involved. But by then you would be passed out and when you slept, and ONLY when you were asleep did I sigh and think "you are so sweet..when you're sleeping"

Every single day I would say to myself "I am giving him away. He is crazy. I can't have a crazy dog. My other two are PERFECT. Why did I have to go screw it all up?! I neeed to give him away while he's still so cute, so people don't suspect what's really there. They'll be suckered into his cuteness like I was." But then everyday, lucky for you, you would sleep, and I would change my mind. Never did you get that your precious life hung in the balance of those naps...or maybe you did.

I finally told myself that if i actually PAY for professional photographs, and actually get a good Christmas card picture out of it, then I would be more inclined to keep you. It worked. Whenever I started posting a 'craigslist' ad I would pull up iphoto and just look at how sweet you are...in pictures. I'd try to forget the sweat and dirt and HUNDREDS of frames and treats it took to get those shots, and then the two nights of diarrhea that ensued from all those treats. I uploaded all your pics onto my iphone so I could bring them up at any time to remind myself why I love you. I stared at those pictures A LOT.

Soon enough, as the weeks went by and you got bigger you couldn't fit into you nap time crawl spaces, which frustrated you to no end. you tried and tried. And quickly though, you went from sleeping under things, to being perfectly comfortable on top of things. You have been comfortable there ever since.
From day one, when you tried to nurse off of Maggie, and she kicked you down, you were confused by her lack of maternal insincts, but in love with your new doggie family. They put you in your place over and over and over, yet you never gave up.

They made you keep your distance at first, and it took a while for Beck to warm up to your annoying ways, but eventually you became one of the pack. and that's all you cared about. I could have fallen down in an epileptic fit and you would have yawned, but if Beck even LOOKED AT YOU it would make you wiggle and squirm with glee.
You were sad when Beck Died and you lost your idol, and that's when you and Maggie bonded for life. You still, however, ignore me.

Now, I still don't get you, but i can't imagine life without you. I mean I CAN, it looks tranquil on the other side of the fence, but you make life, umm, interesting. You love and are fascinated with the bathtub.

You dig holes, BIG holes, holes you can stand your full body in. Where ever there is loose dirt, and/or loose bedsheets, you try to dig holes. You even tried to dig a hole IN the bathtub for some reason.

You drink out of the toilet, a habit NONE of my other dogs have ever had. You steal all the neighbors newspapers and trot around with them. this makes me laugh, so I haven't corrected that behavior. It only makes me laugh though, until you bring them all into the house and shred each one. You like that. shredding. You "wake" me by jumping on my face and then wrestling with maggie. on my face. You LOVE my Ugg Boots. You pull every single one out of my closet. You dont ruin them, per se, you just take them all out and toss them around the living room. Or you just get them all out and sit with them. One has to wonder if you think they're some sort of furry little precious baby in your eyes.


You still are, and probably always will be a complete pain in the ass. But you have made me laugh and cry...and cry...and cry. I love you TONS. Though, i do still need to keep Carin's photo shoot on hand. Very close at hand.

PS. Mick would like you all to know he is registered at Petco and The Barking Lot.

I am "THIS MANY" years old (holds up 37 fingers)

My life was hard enough to manage as it was. Then I got a car Payment, And I was all "woohoo! I'm an ADULT now!" "I have a CAR payment!!" As if that was exciting, and novel, and chic and cutting edge. A milestone, as it were. The novelty has worn off.

THEN I lost my brain function and got a trainer and I was all "woohoo! I am SOOO HOLLYWOOD. I have a trainer" THAT novelty AND expense wore off on session two, during the 456th push-up.

NOW I decided since I am officially broke (for real, I have $2.57 in my "savings" acct. Seriously) that I would buy a condo (though, SUPER cute and New York-y) and have a mortgage! How exciting! my very first mortgage. And I can be all "man, I gotta pay that MORTGAGE instead of stupid juvenile rent. I am TRULY an adult! (adults can still eat Zingers though!) ( I mean I'm NOT eating Vanilla Zingers with Yellow vanilla frosting. I would NEVER eat those now. I am working out with my trainer) (who, incidentally reads this blog)(because my "friend" Ashley Pittman Big Mouth told him about it!)

Where was I? Oh yah. I am officially an adult with a mortgage, trainer and car payment! Then I was watching Suze Ormon yesterday (I was sick, there's NOTHING else on tv sunday afternoons) When I see her shows on, I usually RACE down the cable guide page as if I never saw it. I'd rather watch a lifetime original movie about cheerleaders, or, or, the mexican channel. But I figured that now since I actually have, what's it called, oh yah, assets that mayyyybbeeee I could learn something. Get a little tidbit of financial wizardry.

She was yelling at women as usual, about how STUPID they are to buy a brand new car and have a car payment! How irresponsible it was to NOT have a hefty savings account! How getting into a mortgage without having 6 months back-up payments was outright mental! (she used LOTS of exclamation points) How you should always put 20% of your income into savings (pfft. right) How having a trainer is ridiculous!(okay, maybe that last one wasn't said....but I know she meant to!)

Then she started speaking Chinese, crazy words like 401k and sub-prime loans and retirement plans (retirement? what?)

I watched. I listened. Then I changed the channel to I Love Lucy Shoving all that crazy talk outta my mind. Like a horror film. Or a scary commercial FOR a horror film that you wish you hadn't seen.

My point? I am not THAT much of an adult...maybe in my 60's.

make you laugh for the weekend

I don't know what made me laugh more, his shirt, or his "moves"

also? his very last move, I wanna do to certain "yoga" students and/or teachers. I could incorporate into down dog, no?

US weekly is comin' next

I am ALMOST famous. I made it onto someone famous's website. She's a model in NY and LA. I think. I don't really know her. But keep scrolling sideways and see my first debut in publicity. Paparazzi, here I come!

I wanna be fired

I am SO completely and entirely exhausted, what with the earthquake clean-up and all.

It was the longest day ever, and I don't even work that much. In fact, I subbed out my class tonight, so I didn't even work AT ALL today. Though, I will say that my LIFE is work. Seriously, when my TiVo is full, and I have like, ALL these recorded shows to watch, it's a LOT of pressure. I was actually physically gone all day, and just got home at 10pm, which never happens. And though I didn't "work" work, I ran all around doing STUFF. And I am so tired I just wanted to get in bed and not even WATCH T.V. And yet, I felt compelled to just SEE what shows I missed, and then it was more than I thought, and I was all "hmmph, I better get SOME of these out of the way" as if they were term papers I had to start on.

Well, So I better quit wasting time here, and get started on those shows.

The big QUAKE...

Okay, tragedy struck yesterday. ALL of my afternoon shows were pre-empted!

No Judge Judy, No people's Court, No Dr.Phil/Oprah/Ellen!

ALL because of "earthquake" reports, pie charts, size-mo-graphs (spelling? no?) and interviews. They even interviewed "governor" schwartzenager. Who was in uh, SACRAMENTO. In fact, it's STILL BEING COVERED.

But you know, I guess there WAS mass destruction. One asian liquor store owner was saying how she had to cover her head because the bottles might fall down on her. Then she SHOWED us how exactly she covered her head with her arms. But LUCKILY, pheeeee-ew, no mini-bottles fell on her. but ALMOST.

And then there was the guy who's pottery store was damaged. Lots of his pottery fell on the floor. Yet, it was a really dumpy old ass pottery store, so one has to question whether he went in AFTER the quake and tipped all the shelves over and was all "Man, all my pottery is gone! Good thing I have insurance!" And then 3 months later he'll be running his new starbucks chain.

And then there was the USC football player dude interviewed on campus with his backpack, all "yah, man, I was walking over there (points to grass) on the grass, and I was getting up to go to class and was all, 'whoa! I think there's an earthquake!' and then I just stayed put man. (shakes his head) it was kinda scary." Wonder when his FEMA check is arriving?

There were SO. MANY. MORE. interviews like that. ALL.DAY.LONG. Even today. People talk excitedly, out of breath, with a look of HUGE relief on their face that they were lucky enough, bless Jesus, Mohammed and The Holy Ghost, to even be ALIVE today.

And then! After ruining my TV day, I get to work and everyone was all "where were YOU when IT happened?"

And I was all "OMIGOD, I was sitting on my couch and opened my computer and was DEVASTATED! I practically FELL OVER! Then I just cried and cried when IT happened. I knew my life was going to change dramatically, and I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest." But I will go one. LIFE will go on. Maybe. I am still in shock."

just saying

Women who call me "babe" make me want to claw their face off. ESPECIALLY ones who don't know me. But THINK they do. And if they DID know me, then they would NEVER call me 'babe' because I would never BE friends with someone who did.
the end.

tagged...

My friend Carin tagged me in her blog. (definitely go to her blog cuz her photography is so amazing you can't stop staring at her pics) Her Request was to list 7 quirky things about yourself. I LOVE the word 'quirky' cuz it sounds cute and quaint and plucky. But really, it means all the stuff that makes you but a valium away from the mental ward of your local county hospital and/or "how come no one answers their phone when I call?"

I wonder if family members count? I mean, you know, what's quirky about me is more to blame on who I was surrounded by in my youth. My Aunt Emma would be classified as criminally insane quirky. And then don't get me started on MY PARENTS! Woooo-eeeee.

Anyhoo, I think you're supposed to write them about YOU. SO uh, here goes.

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE People's Court. Judge Milian is my favorite Judge in the World. She is all professional and collected UNTIL someone pisses her off and she then pulls out her puertorican street slang and she says stuff in spanish like "como chocolate blah blah que bueno usted hablamos QUIERO!" (or something like that) and then she translates and is all "IF you're gonna order up the chocolate then PAY THE BILL!" I tivo it and it's the first thing I want to do when I get home from work. And when it's a repeat it practically ruins my afternoon.

2. I love mustard on French toast, like regular French's Yellow Mustard. AND syrup. mmmm, that mixture is SO good. SO good that I can't eat french toast without it. This makes ordering it at restaurants tricky. I also scoff at people who put ketchup on eggs, cuz THAT is just gross.

3. I sleep sideways on my bed, like across the top. I keep wondering what will happen when I have a boyfriend sleep over, like how will I arrange that one. Because that's the only way I sleep well.

4. I assess all expenses in terms of how many Mochas that would buy. But only stuff like bills and gas and parking tickets (and for SOME reason I have parking ticket karma, as in, I get A LOT. I have had my cars towed 4 times for that. twice I just left the cars there.) So say, my electric bill is $125, then I am all "GOD!! That is outrageous! I could have 27 mochas for that! Geez. God!" and I get all worked up.

5. I choose cleaning products on the merit of their prettiness. SO, like I HATE Pine Sol. Won't buy it. But, Method products, especially the pink ones? totally. who cares if it works or not, as long as they match and look pretty under the sink, I buy it. It sometimes take me hours in the cleaning section choosing exactly which counter wipes match my wood cleaner wipes. Ditto on dryer sheets. Who wants Bounty's ugly harsh reds and orange and bright yellow when you can have a cute snuggly bear in soothing lavender tones? I would buy Rat Poison if it were made by Martha. And the cute little cascade dishwaser packets that look like little candy nuggets? I LOVE those! Quirky? NO. Practical? YES!

6. What is my favorite thing on any given day? when some assporsche is driving behind me ALL close and CLEARLY annoyed at me driving slow, which of course I am not, and I can see them all frustrated in my rearview, and then they can finally pass me and then they GUN IT and their engines roar and the SPEED past me giving me a dirty look. Then they RACE all the way...to the RED LIGHT just ahead, only to find themselves not only stuck at a red light, but also unfortunately behind a school bus, and then I look over and shake my head and laugh, as I pull ahead to the red light, one bus length in FRONT of them. AHHHAHAAHHAHAA...HA!

7.


Enough said.

Ho hummm...what is more boring than TUESDAY morning? I mean, it's not Monday, so you have no excuses for being groggy and out of it, like "UGH! MOnday mornings!" and it's not WED morning, which is midweek, and getting over "the hump" and Thursday morning is lookin' good for the WEEKEND!! woohoo. And then of course friday morning is exciting and relaxing, because freedom is but a mere 8 hours way. But Tuesday is just tuesday.

Whoa, I really have nothing to say here. CLEARLY. This blog has "jumped the shark" like when cousin Oliver joined the brady bunch. It was the beginning of the end. OH! but we ARE down to the final TWO in 'Design Star' which is VERY exciting. I can't wait! If you don't wtch it, YOU NEED TO. HGTV. Sunday night.

uh, what else? ummmm. uhhhhh...I give up. You know, Tuesday morning and all. Oh wait, this is cute, our neighbors have about one million kids, and they're hasidic Jews...and they HATE dogs. But the kids are finally getting used to them, and the younger ones, who got to know Mick as a cute fuzzy puppy, are actually starting to like them. This little girl came up to me the other day and said "I sure do like your golden achievers!" HA! SO cute.

Okay, that's all I have. Maybe if I just go hang out at Target today, or Wal-Mart I'll have some good stories. Cuz there are ALWAYS good idiots who frequent those places!

I'm still alive, BARELY....

When i was driving home from work tonight Celine Dion was on the radio and it was the 'Titanic' song and I found myself oddly soothed by it. I even turned it up. And then I was all singing...."NEAR, FAR, whereEEEEEVER you are...."

Yah, that about sums up a friday night for me. At least a friday night after a week with the Tundinator! Ha! get it!? HA! Except instead of HASTA LA VISTA BABY, he's all HASTA LA CHEESE-A BABY! HA! Those of you who keep saying I need to write a book, are seriously thinking twice right now.

I also actually worked out at the gym last night. the actual gym. voluntarily. The tv shows on in front of me were...
-midget wrestling
-CNN
-Wheel of fortune
-and some sort of VH1 dance competition

Luckily I had my ipod on. There was a guy in front of me on one of those granny bikes, the kind that are all reclined. He was intently watching one of the TVs, with headphones on, and every few minutes he would whoop and clap and get all excited, in the way guys do when they're watching SPORTS. I kept trying to figure out who he was cheering? the midgets? Dancers? He certainly wasn't that excited about wheel of fortune? But I kept intently watching and his whooping and clapping didn't coincide with ANYTHING on TV. Freak.

Also, on the dance competition thing there was some song called "rock me sexy Jesus." I'm sorry, but midget wrestling aside, THAT IS JUST WRONG! Jesus is NOT SEXY! EWWWWW. Those two words should never EVER go together in a sentence. I mean, I'm practically a heathen, and I am completely offended. Jesus walked around rescuing baby lambs and has long robes and a long beard and birkenstocks. NOT SEXY.

I am SO glad I couldn't hear the words. I was piously listening to Hannah Montana. And Hairspray. And Rent. And Pet Shop Boys. And High School Musical. it's an eclectic mix, one which I could never recommend. But it does keep me running (well, MY version of running, which really, is more like walking. walking fast.) ( Well, MY version of fast. Which is coincidentally like MY version of healthy eating....I like to call it, INTERPRETIVE IMPROVISATIONAL DIETING. I wonder if I could "brand" it?! hmmmm)

Well, so My whole point here is that I haven't been able to move much all week, let alone write anything of interest. Not that it ever IS of interest, per se. And also? One of my new roommates is practically famous. Here's her red carpet moment at the "espy awards" which have something or other to do with sports or something.



Isn't she cute? People ALWAYS mix us up. They always ask if we're twins and stuff. And I'm all "My hair is NOT that long!"

A Guy walks into a bar with a duck....

...and other funny things that happened when I was in Tahoe this week.

1. I sent a text message to one of my yoga clients that I wouldn't be in town for his session and this was his reply "Hey baby girl! Don't worry about it. Have fun in Tahoe! See you next week! Uh. Baby girl? BABY GIRL???? Who IS this guy? Where did THAT come from? I don't even wanna know.

2. Blockbuster called to tell me that I hadn't returned "Mad Money" yet and if I didn't I would be charged the value of it blah blah...This was on saturday as I was driving to tahoe. It was still in my trunk. And today what showed up on my checking acct. was "$117 BLOCKBUSTER.... Excuse me, but ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS? FOR MAD MONEY? And even though I know the money will be refunded once I return it (I go through this every time, really) I was still outraged that they had the nerve to even pretend that mad money is worth $117. Now THAT? (unlike the movie) is FUNNY!
**though, really, it's one of those movies that is dumb, but also you kinda like it, but is still SO dumb, so you can't actually say you liked it, even though you kinda did.

3. I was waiting in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and an old lady next to me says "you been workin' out?" and I was all wow! it shows! all my hard work has PAID off and I have SO MUCH MUSCLE that strangers notice!!!(even strangers who can barely see!) And as my head was swelling with pride and also puzzled that it was THAT noticeable, I said with false humility "oh, umm, well, yah, a little here and there" and then she looked at my shirt and I looked down and realized it was all wet from spilling my water down my front, and what she was REFERRING to in her little old lady "humor" was that I was "sweaty" from working out. Like she thought she was making a little joke. Yah REAL FUNNY GRANDMA.

4. Different bathroom in a super nice quiet restaurant in a private members only resort lodge in the mountains. All the stalls were these giant wood doors and they were all closed. They were like little toilet log cabins. And I went to push open a door and there was someone in it. "oops. sorry" I said as I shut the door. and then I hear "HEY! GEEEZ. HEY! GEEZ. WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING! GEEZ! YOU THINK YOU'D KNOCK FIRST! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE! GEEZ!" and I was like 'I SAID I was sorry. I OBVIOUSLY didn't know you were in there" and then "GEEZ! WELL THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! AND YOU JUST BANGED MY HEAD AND REALLY HURT ME AND THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! GEEZ! WHAT DID YOU THINK! SOME PEOPLE!!" and I was all " ALL the doors are closed. Why don't you try locking it? and then "YOU HURT MY HEAD! YOU BANGED ME IN THE HEAD! I WAS IN HERE! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE" (she was actually still in there) and I finally just shut up. there was nothing more to say really, and I was lost in the "why" was her head so close to the door?? I'm still standing there because now I'm terrified that they're all filled or something when in fact they were all empty and she comes out, and she's like old and maybe even drunk I realize, and I am waiting for some big confrontation and she says "There's no toilet paper in that stall, by the way." and washes her hands, pats her white hair, and leaves. oookkkkayyyyeeeee.

I guess it's not just YOGA people I hate.

it's just july 4th to me

mmm...I just had a mani/pedi at the asian place at the corner. THANK GOD they were open. This is what I love about our diverse culture, people who don't celebrate american stuff and provide all the services I might need. UN-fortunately this also includes Tunde, who beat me up earlier. When i was on the floor begging for mercy and "holiday" reprieve he just stood over me and laughed that deep african laugh that says "I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE THREE BABIES AND A KITTEN, I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD ANYWAY"

I also got a "massage." but it was a massage from my nail lady, which means they have no real masseuse training or anything. They just like, squeeze and knead wherever. I don't even mind that, and it feels good enough, but the $10 price feels better. At the end of it they karate chop your back, and this woman WENT TO TOWN. I was clutching the massage chair with my dear life. And since she has no training she was chopping my spine and bones. (Naturally, I never say anything) THEN when she was done she stopped for a sec....and then started smacking me, literally, with cupped hands. She hit me harder than even my big brother at the worst of out fights. My BIG. FOOTBALL. PLAYING. BROTHER.

So I am on my couch now, unable to move from having been at the mercy of two different continents and their "holiday special"

at least my toes look pretty.

diet schmiet

I have been doing SO well on my little no bread/no cheese/no sweets diet. Seriously TWO WHOLE WEEKS and I didn't even cheat AT ALL. SO, naturally I had TACO BELL last night. I caved. But in my defense, I only ordered ONE item, as opposed to the 4 or 5 I used to get. I got the AMAZING spicy nacho crunchwrap.

I mean TWO WHOLE WEEKS is just unNATURAL. And technically a tortilla isn't bread. Nor is a fried corn tortilla. Nor is delicious processes who-knows-what-parts-of cow-chopped "meat", and NOR is processed DELICIOUS melted in your mouth nacho cheese sauce.

mmmm....the memory will keep me alive for a day FOREVER!

But this morning I have ALL this energy, hence this post. I have been so tired and sore and exhausted that words were scrambled in my brain. So, I will assert here and now that Taco Bell FUELS your brain. it's um, GOOD FOR you, in it's own yummy cheesy way.

Of course, what happens in blog land STAYS in blog land which is precisely why A) I only tell a privileged few about this blog, and B) why Tunde will never ever know about it.

Needless to say, this little indiscretion is will be recorded in my food diary like this. "lean steak with lettuce, tomato, & corn salad" WELL, it could be true.

So I guess you can assume, that when I blog now, I have probably eaten something, um, energetic.

also...this is me on my diet.

Now, make sure you watch the whole thing. THIS is what makes me want to have kids. Cute chinese kids who play guitars.