She totally takes after me...

I don't have kids because I think "if they don't turn out like my niece, how will I love them?"

(Thanks for the pics dede!!!) (and the trampoline!)

Sat Morning Marathon....HAHAHA....right.

I scheduled painters to come at 10:30 on a SATURDAY MORNING! What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking!?! AND...AND I still have to go to Home Depot (AAAHHHHHH) and get the paint. On a SAT. When it will be crazy busy.

I'm having a quadruple big gulp sized coffee this morning.

The painters will be here in 28 mins.

Did I mention I don't have any paint?

And I'm still in pajamas.

But they have to tape and stuff right?

And I'm still here typing.....

This blog has a 5 cow rating, as no cows were inured in its making. People, however, may have been punched once or twice.

Being that I'm apparently turning Hippie, I am ALL concerned about the dairy my milk products come from. I know I know...If ONLY Hostess were organic...I'm sure it will be soon, if only in name.

SO in my VAST research (google) I have learned some interesting and shocking stuff. Now, I am not sharing this with you because I am being all up on my soapbox, but just so you don't waste your hard earned $$$ on buying organic stuff that isn't even organic.... When that good money could be spent on Leather shoes from italy!

LIKE apparently Horizon Products are full of it. this was interesting....

And also I read a BUNCH of stuff on how you shouldn't pay MORE for "free range eggs" cuz they're not. There's just ONE GIANT cage, or "barn" as they say. But it's all the same. So just buy regular eggs unless you're gonna be like me and raise some chickens in a SUPER cute chicken coop!

Also I found this rating chart for those of you who wanna know where to get REAL organic milk stuff.

This is all very difficult for me, as you can imagine. I am the people I make fun of!! But here's the thing. I will still and forevermore eat chocolate and if it comes from the ghetto of all cow farms...like the lock-down-prison of dairies, like the cows smoke a pack a day and eat off of food stamps...well, I did my part by buying good milk!

AND? I do NOT mention this stuff in public. As far as anyone knows...I kill bunnies and voted republican all the way.

There's no place like home and a king sized bed

ahhhhhh. Back in MY BED with my nespresso home made mocha and Fox morning news and two muddy dogs on my bed.

Just slid RIGHT back into my LA life.

Here were some Utah highlights....

1. My friend to her kid: "Hey Chase! Who got your dinner for you?"

Her kid pointing to me: "HIM"

2. My Niece: How OLD are you auntie Kristi?

ME: thirty eight

{pause}

{contemplation}

HER: you look MUCH older than thirty!

ME: That's because I said thirty EIGHT.

HER: {looking at my face} oh yah. that's about right.


I had a great return to my classes last night too. Standing ovations, tears, and whatnot. The usual. Even the famous people sighed sighs of relief at my return.

All is well in Hollywood again.

We're not in kansas Anymore. No. Really. FINALLY.

Because I know you're on THE EDGE of your seats, I decided to make you a VLOG. This is gritty cinematography at it's best. Spielberg already called me in for a sundance entry.

poos and granny shoes

Had to go to the geriatric care unit foot doctor today. I won't say the P word because I've already been through enough 'old lady trauma' these past two weeks. But I had to look at x-rays of my feet. EWWWW! Creepy! I looked all Jack Skellington.


Now I can't even look at my feet without being grossed out. Like there's a DEAD THING living inside me! {shiver}

And can I just mention that whilst I was waiting for the foot doctor I had an interesting array of products and fungus toe pictures and hammer toe skeletons staring at me? Like I was in the house of foot horrors. The upside? Pre-xrays I was VERY enamored with my perfect non fungal, non hammer-toed feet.

Then the doctor said "I can tape up your foot OR you might want to consider orthodics"

I was all TAPE IT UP I WILL NOT GET ORTHODICS UNTIL I AM 75

THEN for the rest of my super fun day I had to take a poo sample to the vet! I just LOVE Mick. If there is something to GET, he gets it.

And this, folks? Is my glamorous life in New York. Whatever Whitney Port and your tan grover arms! I'll show YOU the city!

This is a yoga-mercial. The ideas expressed in this blog are in no way endorsed by anyone.

I had to go to "physical therapy" today for the first time. I was all excited for a nice foot massage, or a therapist to just sit there and move my foot around and stretch stuff and be all "I can NOT buh-lieve you've been walking around with this horrible foot injury! You poor poor thing! You are SUCH a brave pioneer!"

I did NOT expect "okay, so sit here for a second and I'll be right back and we'll start with some exercises."
"Whach you talkin' bout Willis?""Physical Therapist lady say Wha?"

ugh. Injuries are NOT what they make them out to be on TV! I mean, all those people who call Jacoby & Meyers are sittin pretty in their mansions, on their Rascals that they got cuz they slipped at work! They got THOUSANDS! Hundreds of thousands! They didn't have to EXERCISE! Pfft.

I think I'm ready to just head back to CA now. I'm bored all holed up in an apt in NYC ordering delivery all day doing nothing. When I COULD be driving across Nebraska listening to Book 3 in the Twilight series!

You don't understand. Things are dire here. I am watching TV shows I've never even HEARD of before. I even did the ultimate boredom no no. I watched an entire half hour of...of...an INFO-MERCIAL. An info-mercial with heidi Klum and her magic disappearing wrinkle wand tide stick looking thing. And...and...I considered ORDERING IT.

And then I saw a show about a "natural" mom who gave birth on her boyfriend's LAP. On purpose. And they SHOWED IT. And a show about a woman adopting a baby in Korea...and I cried! I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYONE ADOPTING THINGS IN KOREA!!!

These aren't even shows discussed amongst my already low-brow circle of sisterhood. (no offense to anyone.) I mean, discussing today's Tyra show is one thing...yesterday's Soap Network Battle of the Stars? no.
These things have scarred me for life.

Oh my gosh...Cash Cab Marathon is on!!! See ya.

waiting for guffman....

UGH! I HATE HATE HATE waiting for people who are traveling to see me to GET HERE! Especially when everything is all ready. I mean...I vacuumed for these people! And now I find myself wandering laps around the place, making sure everything is ready. Moving the salt shaker two inches to the left. Pulling the shower curtain closed JUST SO.

I seriously need to start working again! (HAHAHA! Just kidding!)

I already just found out that one of my friends isn't coming because she forgot to pack her snuggie started puking on the plane. Then had to get off the plane. Isn't that SO SAD? That people were probably pointing and laughing at her like that?

I mean, if it were ME and I were puking on a plane I would just be all furrowed brow, weak voice "I. just. need. to. be. up. front." And I woulda done it AFTER they took off. And even if first class were full, they would request someone to switch seats and if they didn't they'd feel like a real A-hole. And then I'd be all "I. just. need. something. for. my. stomach. Sprite. and. warm. cookies. would. be. fine."

But I can't expect EVERYONE to have my gifted skills.

So now I'm extra neurotic like "did R make it?" "is her plane delayed?" "did she bring a snuggie too??"

Hey, It JUST occurred to me that MAYBE R poisoned K somehow. So she could have me ALL to herself! I mean, it wouldn't be the first time.

Hopefully she'll get here tomorrow morning. But I can't guarantee that her portion of the british candy bars will still be here.

Guess I'll go around once more and move the table chairs around.

The only cat in my life....

Oh, those crazy brits!

First, they INVENTED the kit kat bar. YAY UK!

THEN they went ahead and made it CHUNKY sized. THEN they added caramel...


and now???



OH MY HECK! This was the best thing EVER. It's made by Nestle, not hersheys, which MEANS that it's made in the UK...and as we ALL KNOW, candy from the UK is the best candy in THE WORLD.

I found it here. Hope you can find some!!

(I bought two for my arriving guests. Then I ate one. And then I ate the other one. oops. Sorry!!)

City Slipper

I have been put on "NO ACTIVITY" house arrest. SO I have been sitting in my apt with my foot elevated popping pills and cheese puffs!

I know the ENTIRE TV line-up from 8AM to Midnight. 2pm is a VERY dead hour in cable land. So I've been blowing through books.
The highlight of my days are chinese delivery and when my mom calls my cell and I don't answer and this is what she says on voicemail:
"Hi Honey! Are you there?............................Pick up if you're there!....................................................Okay! I guess you're not there..Call me!" This cracks me up. She still calls her cell "the car phone." I wonder at what point I'll be doing crazy old lady stuff like that?

Um, did you know that on the west inferior coast we don't have TWO very necessary items.
1. PUFFY cheese puffs. We have Cheetos cheese puffs, but they're skinny. The ones here are the original cheetos FAT cheese puffs. I have no idea why they make them skinnier on the west, but IT'S LAME! Suffice it to say that my keyboard has a not-so-mysterious orange tint to it.
2. Wonder bread! And I'm sorry, I know wonder bread is barely even food, but egg salad, bologna and peanut butter & Jelly (not all together) BELONG on wonder bread! And they don't sell it in CA anymore! I know! RIght?! But they have it here! And boy oh boy have I made the most of this rarity!

Basically I have reverted to 8yrs old here in NY during my "recovery" (Hi workers comp people! I am WAY in pain!!)

When you are homebound you discover TV shows that you would otherwise never watch. I highly recommend that if you're gonna slip on the stairs at work, that you do so for Fall Network Sweeps. I am now hooked on "18 kids and counting." has anyone seen this show? I.LOVE.IT. It's so freaky, and yet, so so, I don't even know. The dad's name is Jim Bob...need I say more? Between TLC and Bravo, I am learning all I need to know about life.

People keep calling me asking if I need anything, like groceries. I mean, the answer is YES. But can you just IMAGINE the list I would have? Yah. You don't HAVE to imagine it. See paragraphs 1 through 3. That is why I believe that EVERY single daytime commercial is for The Jitterbug phone, Larry H Parker accident attorney, and lap band surgery. Man, do they know their old, fat, "medically" unemployed audience. ( oh and also cash4gold commercials. For those of us fat old unemployed people who cross the line into pure desperation and go stealing from grandma's jewelry box)
Hostess is missing a real ad campaign op here.

ooooh...NEW episode of Tori & Dean on! My Guests are gonna have SO.MUCH.FUN here!!!

New York Guide for Tourists....Packing 101:The essentials!

I have a LOT of friends scheduled to come visit me in the next few coming weeks. I can't help that wherever I go? THEY FOLLOW. It's not EVEN because I'm in NYC and they're using me for a free place to stay. It's like, I could be in a cabin in the ozarks and STILL they'd be booking flights.

And being the world traveler savvy self that I am, I just wanted to make sure my friends come well equipped for a big city such as this.

SO, here are some things you MUST not forget to pack when coming to the Big Apple.

First off, we have a LOT of cockroaches here. It can be VERY ANNOYING. So, it's good if you can remember to pack your RoachSwatterSlippers, or as we call them 'Roach-flops'. Coach just came out with some awesome leather ones for summer....you can get them online. Just click on Coach Roach Summer '09!

And then we also drink LOTS of coffee here. AND, for me anyway, I'm ALWAYS running into fans and celebs and whatnot. SO def bring your pole cup holders. Because you just never know when you're gonna need to answer your phone or, for my tourist friends, pull out a map (but don't do that in front of me, k?)(seriously)(I will point and laugh at you and pretend to have never met you if you pull out a map)( I might even kick you and run away)


There's ALSO a LOT of waiting around for cabs and subways and stuff. Also it's crowded here! Mostly there's never even a place to sit at Starbucks! SO for SURE don't forget your Seat-a-round! (brought to you by the makers of hov-a-round) And seriously, if you don't already own one, GET ONE because they work ANYwhere! Even when it's all crowded on the streets and you just get tired! hello! Now, you can just have a seat!



And speaking of being exhausted! We walk a lot in this town! SO you need to pack your Subway Hat, for when you fall asleep on the subway. It lets people know you're not a slumped over drunk! (and even if you ARE drunk...people won't know if you have your subway hat) If you forget to pack it, that's cool, because they have them here with the Yankees Logo or Les Mis or I HEART NY. SO CUTE!


And, as you know, you HAVE to protect yourself from disaster here in NY. Whether it be swine flu or WMD's or Bio-terrorist attacks...you HAVE to be prepared....BUT you can't be all house-frau weirdo either! At least not around ME! You have to be protected AND wear some bling! because if there IS a disaster...you don't wan't people LAUGHING at you! SO, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton and Prada have Saved us ALL! And don't worry if you're on a budget....they sell knock-offs on the corner.


And finally, If you're a dude coming to visit me...or a butch lesbian, bring your WALLET TIE! Wallet Ties are the new Man-Purse, only you don't have to be called a Nellie or a Mary anymore!! (except for the lesbo girls, people will still call u butch...oh well, what do you do)


That should do it for essential items....but also bring LOTS of cash, so your hostess doesn't have to pay for anything!

can't WAIT to see everyone!!!

XOXO

gotta get my city legs back...

Well well, not back in the city for 24 hrs and I managed to completely fall down the stairs at work today.

And by 'down the stairs' I mean

DOWN...

THE.....

STAIRS.

Do you know how that made me feel?

OLD.

That's how! When do you ever hear of a 20 yr old slipping on the stairs? yah. you don't. Unless it's from an old bitter curmudgeon like me who trips them accidentallyonpurpose for being too perky.

X-rays say I didn't break anything. But I never thought I did. I just slammed my ass into the stairs not once but twice. BOO! My butt hurts!! I also somehow twisted my foot and now have shooting pains from my back to my foot. I just hope this isn't one of those "ever since I fell on those stairs 12 yrs ago my back ain't never been the same" type of injuries.

Blah. Doctor says I have to take tylenol until the morning and IF I don't feel better I can get "something stronger." I am counting the hours down until he gets into the office in the morning.

Here's the other PLUS to this...at the xray guy's office he said "well! No broken bones! Must be muscular trauma..but you're young and healthy...you should be okay!" I practically gave myself whiplash flipping my head around when I heard "young!" YAY! Now THAT is a drug even better than Vicodin!! (haha...not really) And believe me, before I got too excited I checked the plaque on the door for "geriatric X-ray unit" and there wasn't one! YAY TWICE!

And now I'm all ready for being drugged up on the couch watching countless re-runs of "Tori & Dean: Home sweet Hollywood"

speaking of that...g2g.

(that's YOUNG people's street talk for 'got to go')(yah. I still got it.) (oooh, my hip pain!)

I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle....

I woke up this mornin'. Put on the kettle for coffee. GROUND the coffee beans with my BARE HANDS. Made pancakes WITH homemade cinnamon apples. AND fed the cattle (dogs..but same diff)

I am like the pioneer wo-man of the century! Not only that but I also have about 45 mosquito bites. UGH! The rugged life. There's not even a starbucks within like, 50 miles or more! Who knew I could be so rugged? I might even try hiking the Appalachian Trail next week! (have you even heard of the AT?...that's what we outdoorsy folks call it...I didn't think so.)

I even showered in "mineral" water yesterday. I feel like there should be award medals for stuff like this. Maybe I'll publish a journal about my time here on the mountain. Make people AWARE that the rest of the country doesn't just LIVE like us. That some people don't even HAVE a gym to go to. SOME people dont' even HAVE treadmills and need to walk on hills just to exercise!!

Makes you 'preciate your freedoms now, don't it!

And THAT? my friends, countrymen, is what the 4th of July is ALL ABOUT! So on today, the 5th of July, let's NOT forget to 'preciate our vast freedoms, that hillbillies just don't have.

Amen.

THE happening. THE omen. THE shining. THE Exorcist........

THE CABIN

PART 1

CABIN OWNER: I'm going to go out and mow the lawn!

CABIN OWNER'S PARTNER: yah. don't forget to get all the parts around the trees like you did last time!

CABIN OWNER: (annoyed) I can only do SO MUCH!

CABIN OWNER'S PARTNER: Well! It's all poison Ivy around the trees and I can't even get in to TRIM the trees unless you mow ALL THE POISON IVY.

ME: POISON WHAT!?!?!?!?


PART 2

THEM: Oh hey yah...if you want to have fresh water use the one in the fridge....cuz our water is WELL water. I mean it's TOTALLY DRINKABLE! But it's just the COLOR is brown.

ME: sooooo, is the brown from, you know, DIRT?

THEM: NOOOOO! It's MINERALS.

THE CABIN...coming soon to a theatre near you...

PROLOGUE

ME: You sending G a text to tell him that we're running late?

THE CABIN OWNER: No. He's already at THE CABIN waiting for us.

ME: Well yah, so are you calling him or texting him that we're in traffic?

THE CABIN OWNER: (way too matter of factly) no! We don't get texts at THE CABIN!

ME: say what?

THE CABIN OWNER: Didn't I tell you? We don't get cell phone reception. There's no cell tower.

ME: (eyes glazing over....)......(fade out.....)


....to be continued.....and continued.....and continued......

Plus GO HERE IF YOU WANNA LAUGH.

Cabin Fever...FEVER...like FLU...like SICKNESS...you never hear "chateau Fever" or "hotel fever" now do you?

I'm supposed to be packing up to go to washington DC for the 4th. More specifically I'm going to my friend's "cabin" in virginia. But they live in DC. So I SAY DC to deflect from the fact that I'm going to a cabin. I don't even LIKE the word cabin. It screams BOREDOM and NATURE and NO STARBUCKS.

My friend SAYS I'll love it. I made him go through a checklist...

WIFI INTERNET? check
TV w/FULL CABLE? check
RESTAURANTS AND A VILLAGE NEARBY? I didn't get a CLEAR answer on that.

He tried to entice me further by saying that they made their own POND. I heard "We made our own mosquito colony."

And I didn't get a clear response to...'YAH, but what do you DO there?' Well, what he said was "we garden and read and just relax!"

That sounds VERY STRESSFUL to me.

I have not yet in my lifetime gone to a "cabin" that wasn't a total nightmare filled with unidentifiable bugs, fishing trips to murky lakes, hiking in thorns and weeds, and "helping out with" all the DIY chores involved in having a cabin. What is it in people that makes them want to do stuff themselves?? Out in the woods?? With bugs??? Can't you just buy a puzzle and call it a day? See? PUZZLE. That's the kind of word associated with CABIN. Because that's all I had to do when I was a kid at our CABIN. I refused to go outside unless dragged so I had to do puzzles. UGH

My friend swears that this will change my mind about cabins. That HIS cabin is not like that. And that I won't have to do ANY work. And that they don't go fishing.

SO here is what may be my last blog of freedom for the weekend. I am leaving in 4 hrs and 57 mins. I hope I survive! If not? I leave my dogs to Dede & Carin, collectively.

PS. IF you are a friend of mine or a family member reading this....BEACH HOUSE. NOT CABIN.

BEACH. HOUSE.

Nothing Really

YAY! I just got my laptop back. My warranty is up in july so I took it in to get a new keyboard thingy. I hate going to the stupid "genius" bar because there's always SOME way in which I don't even know the most basic ways of my computer. Like, the stuff a kindergartner, nay PRE-SCHOOLER, would know.

This is why I love hanging around people who think my websites and stuff are AMAZING. They're in awe...like "how did you DO that!?" or "you are SO talented...I could never do any of that!" and I just shrug my shoulders and go "what? this old thing?" and flip my hair.

Sure, "those people" are my mom who still calls and says "can you look up a recipe I saw on the food network today? It's
DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOT.......ON the INTERNET. Can you do that? And then send it to me in the mail?"

They didn't send me to private schools for nuthin'!

Um speaking of that. In oct. it's my, gulp, TWENTIETH High school reunion! AHHHHHHH!!!! How did THAT happen?? I remember at my 10th, seeing pics of the 20th reunion girls (went to an all girls high school) and being all "sucsk to be THAT old!"

sigh. I don't FEEL that old! And I certainly don't ACT it. I still eat Hostess products and rice krispy treats and watch Gossip gril and listen to Hannah Montana. Sure I don't shop at Urban Outfitters or anything, but STILL!!

NEXT SUBJECT! (deny deny deny)

I was at Jcrew yesterday...GREAT SALE on tissue tee's $15!!!...and their "fall line" is the ugliest granny looking stuff I've seen. They've brought back MAUVE. Ick! How? Why? AND Iridescent Mauve items too. Seriously. And and, ruffled prairie shirts with the high necks circa Harriet Olesen and Gunne sax.



It fits that all this ugly 80's conservative stuff is coming back at the same time as my high school reunion. Maybe I should go out and get a perm, a bleached hair job, and some big thick giant glasses to finish it off. That way everyone will recognize me!

Job interview tips!

"There is no I in TEAM....But there is a ME"-Ellen Degeneres

UGH! I have "The View" on for background noise. That show irritates me, and yet, keeps me up on the news. Elizabeth Hasselback....I THROW BLUE JELLO AT YOU!

Anyway they are having a segment on "jobs" and where to find them and then the something something from Walmart comes on and they ask her "what are you looking for?" And she was like "ENTHUSIASM!! MOTIVATION!! CREATIVITY!!"

uhhhhh boy. It is SUCH a good thing I don't need to look for a job, because I haven't had "enthusiasm" in my vocabulary since my 20's, and even then I was faking it.

This brought to memory all the "interviews" I've had and all of the hundreds of times I said "I LOVE working with PEOPLE!" hahahahha. There is no one who loves working people LESS than me. "Team player" makes me shudder. The only sport I played, ever, was Tennis. Because being on the 'tennis team' did NOT involve working with others.

Which is why I have never had a resume, or a real job interview since '89. All the jobs I've had were from word of mouth or just "you're hired." (they were desperate)

I feel for people having to go through that process again. Seriously. If you have to go through a Job interview, write me and bitch to me because I will laugh and make fun of the person who did the interviewing and hey, it's better than crying over a gallon on Jamoca Almond fudge! (well, the crying part....the jamoca almond fudge part is AWESOME) (even if you DON'T NEED A JOB!)

I especially loved when I used to whine to my mom in college how broke I was (hint hint) and couldn't find a job (no one could see my winning personality!) And she would UNSYMPATHETICALLY say "well, then you should get a job at McDonald's. What? you think you're too good for McDonalds? Well then I guess you'll just have to starve then!"

And you wonder why I've grown into the cold hearted surly bitch that you know and love!

I just wasn't born to do actual work. It was all spelled out for me when my second grade teacher, Sister Nancy Jean, wrote on my report card "does not work well with others" and "talks too much." Which is why i am such an awesome yoga teacher!! See? those grade school teachers know their stuff!!

Man's best friend....IF you have carbs on hand

Let's put it this way. They didn't look like this because I was blogging.

It's because I was bagel-ing.

Farmer Yogabitch is gonna have farm....eee-i-eee-i-O....a chick chick here, a dog dog there. Here a chick there a dog, maybe gonna get a pig too.....

I am SO TOTALLY getting one of these when I get home! Seriously! I have been having some issues eating meat lately...meaning, when you're bored...NOT a great idea to look at farm animal videos on youtube.

SO, even though it is TOTALLY hippie of me, I have stopped eating meat except for fish, cuz no offense to fish? But I don't really care if they're overcrowded. One of the videos that KILLED me was about the egg industry and what a scam it is and how they kill all the baby boy chicks, etc....again, not linking here cuz it would scar you for life. And I was like "how the HELL could I give up eggs??? Eggs are in chocolate chip cookies!!"

Then I JUST found this and about fell over! And yes, I'm getting pink!



OH....and you can order the chickens from them too! CAN you even IMAGINE the excitement when UPS shows up with THIS bad boy??!?

You just don't know how excited I am for fresh eggs every morning...

That....and.....

this will SO ANNOY MY NEIGHBORS!!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

People say I inherited my dad's humor.
Let's just hope I didn't inherit his, um, 'fashion sense'

LOVE YOU!

Friday Night Recovery

I am home. NY home.

BUT I still have some remnants from my trip...

I just want to point out here that my airplane was totally circa '75. With the 12 inch TV's that come down from the ceiling in the middle aisle. It was so low rent. They had STICKERS on the backs of seats like this....


Which begs the question...."PLUS what??"

And then this cracked me up...


I mean cuz, make NO MISTAKE First Class people...THESE seats are RESERVED for Economy Class. Nice try. Go back to your first class seats cuz these ARE RESERVED. I'm SOOOOO glad United saw fit to make SURE that no person from Business, some person with no RESERVATIONS tried to steal my seat!

Seriously. Why can't Lexus make planes?

Also for some reason, (I think because no one picks anyone up from the airport anymore. Asking for an airport ride these days is like asking someone to help you MOVE. Lots of awkward silence while excuses are being thought up) I had to take A LOT of cabs. I am used to this in NY, but I had to take a cab to the airport from LA too...and it was EIGHTY DOLLARS!! AND the driver was chatty and laughed a LOT. why is this bad? Funny you should mention the word BAD...Because oh! THE BREATH! And he kept laughing and laughing. And the windows were up.

I don't know if I'll recover.

Why is there NOTHING on TV on friday night? why?

When Good Flights Go bad....OR...When they don't go at all.

I'm stuck in LA. Which, isn't SO bad. But this is the first time I have EVER been actually bumped off my flight...where I DID NOT in fact volunteer.

In the name of getting a free flight, I have been "bumped off" a few flights, or so that's what my job was meant to believe. This time however, I didn't even WANT a free ghetto flight on stupid United Airlines. So for real I was bumped off...WITH NO WARNING. The guy was literally PRETENDING to print my boarding pass at the gate and frowning at the printer when they CLOSED.THE.GATE.

There were like 8 of us who were "waiting for seat assignments" (wink wink)

And then all of a sudden the doors shut and that robo-girl-voice says "flight blah blah blah to Kenendy is set for take-off!"

8 people simultaneously went "what? huh? what?"

We had NO IDEA. They didn't even do a call for volunteers????

I was too stunned to even get all riled up ranting about my "rights" and "My job tomorrow" (heh heh..."job!") (though I for real was supposed to work 2 classes tomorrow) But ONE guy was more stunned than I.

****WARNING*****RATED R FOR LANGUAGE*****

(I can't even type in caps big enough)

HIM: WHAT? WHAT YOU MEAN I AIN'T GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE!? I PAID FOR THSI PLANE! I AM GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE!

WHY THOSE DORRS SHUT? I AM NOT ON THE PLANE! WHY THOSE DOORS SHUT! O-PEN THEM UP!

WHAT THE F*CK! HOW YOU GONNA TELL ME I'M NOT GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE?! WHY THEM OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANE AN' NOT ME!?!

(I felt bad for the guy. I was THINKING all those things.)

THEM: Sir. calm down. sir. we'll get to you. calm down.

HIM: DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
(Telling someone in a freak out to calm down never really works, does it.)

THIS IS F*CKIN' BULLSHIT!
THIS SHIT IS F*CKED UP!

THEM: (ignoring him, and typing on their little keyboards making us believe they're DOING something)

HIM: HEY! HEY YOU! DON'T PRETEND I AINT HERE. YOU! FAT BITCH. YAH! I'm TALKIN' TO YOU

HER: SECURITY!

Security comes....4 cops!

The lesson? DO NOT ever...EVER call a woman "FAT"

The funny part was when they told me I could NOT get a taxi voucher back to my HOME but they would "put me up" at a "hotel" and I was all WHAT hotel? and they were all "La Quinta Airport Inn." Yah. INNS are NOT Hotels. Unless you are touring the Swiss Alps, INNS are MOTELS.

Well, it's kinda sorta nice having a free night at home. Even if I DO have to take YET ANOTHER cab to the airport in the morning. They offered me a "super shuttle" voucher! HA! I'm sure. I Paid my super shuttle dues in my twenties dude. NO WAY. They pick you up at like 4:30 AM for an 8 AM flight. Way to go United! La Quinta Inn and a Super shuttle ride! And who says the airlines don't offer bells and whistles anymore?! WHO!?

Positivity on a plane...which, if u think about it, is WAY better than snakes.

I'm sitting on my flight to LA. Ho hum. We r stranded on the runway because of lightning and rain. Isn't that positive? I read an article the other day saying that you can find at least 3 positive apects to a situation and if you can see 6 and up, your life will be way better end you'll have no depression blah blah.

I'm gonna tell u the positive things about right now..,

1. I remembered to buy a really awesome chicken curry wrap and Oreo brownie and gummy frogs for my flight, which is good because we will be on this hell vessel all day long apparently and now I won't be forced to buy their $15 "snack boxes" consisting of a nature valley granola bar, a piece of string cheese, a mini bag of cheez-its and a Capri sun.

2. I am nice and organized right now because I got up at 4am and got all my stuff together and hopped in a cab and got to the airport a half hour early....early enough to browse the bookstore and buy In touch weekly and make my 8:30 flight all so I could sit on the runway!
But I am going to read all about jon & Kate plus 8 lawyers...ha! I just made that line up. I really should be working for in touch.

3. I am on an aisle seat. In coach. Sure. That's NOT at all positive except that hey...I'm not the poor asian guy in the middle seat next to me! Sucka!

4.There's an adorable, albeit chatty old lady sitting next to the middle seat guy. She is talking and talking and talking. She's pointing out all the features to him on her iPhone. And telling him, in detail, about all her "apps." And then he pulls out his iPhone and she goes "ohhhhh! They have apps in Japanese too???" heh heh. Then she goes "you know I think the iPhone is great. A lot of people seem to like those berries too. You know those berry phones?" see? I could say she is annoying! But she's not! Because she isn't talking to me!!!

5. I can blog. Even if it is on my non-Japanese iPhone. Even if it does kill my battery because I keep having to type every word twice thanks to the quote..,spell checker...unquote.

6. Let's seeeeee. Number 6...nuuiuummmmmmmmmber 6....oh! Okay! Even though I am so fat my but is shoved against the two armrests, I am not soooooo fat that I had to buy two seats!

Oh thank God I got to 6!!! Now I can be all happy and undepressed and not even cry about how I am not in business class where I normally am with all the pretty people and the double wide seats and the warm nuts and cookies and lattes.

Uh. Oh. They're handing out FREE granola bars and the chattly lady just exclaimed to the stewardess "granola bars!! How long ARE WE GONNA BE!?!?!?!"

I like her. Hey! That's 7 whole positive things!!" I am on my way to total bliss now...even if I'm not on my way anywhere else apparently.

ain't no juan valdez

Just went to my coffee place on the way to class. That's what I do. Get a large vanilla latte or some such drink and get on the subway and arrive all coked up for my class to kick their butts.

I go to a place called 'Oren's Daily Roast'. I go there for lattes and iced coffee. Jack's for regular coffee. It's a very intricate process.

ANYWAY. Their large latte comes with 3 shots of espresso...my absolute max. And today, the girl was all...do you want 4 shots? It's free. hmmmm. I don't know about you but the word "free" is like crack. It's SO hard to say no! Even if you don't want said free item. So I was like, okay! And I was thinking I'd just drink 3/4 of the latte....that way it would be strong...and I wouldn't have to drink as much! because it's FREE! This is the same logic I use for "sales." I think it's a genetic defect. On my mother's side.

BUT you see? I forgot to STOP drinking it. And then I realized I'd finished the whole thing! uh oh. My poor poor class. I was like an auctioneer barking out poses.

And now I'm writing this entire Jane Austin style post about coffee because I think when you're high on coffee you think anything is fascinating. NO TOPIC IS TOO BORING when you're on 4 espresso shots!

And this is what Mick looked like after our "walk" this morning.



hmmmm....maybe I should try this more often!! ANd then my next post will be 12 paragraphs about me doing dishes!

(HA! AS IF I ever do dishes!)

The dangerous streets of New York....

I went to see the best movie ever tonight (more about that later) and then my friend and I went out for dinner at a predominantly gay restaurant/bar. The problem with these places is that the food is expensive and usually sux. Of course they majorly screwed up my dinner, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. It went like this...

MY cheeseburger is well done. I ordered medium rare.
My new cheeseburger is now more well done than the last one.
My third new cheeseburger is practically raw now.

SO they offered me a free drink. bleh. I don't drink barely ever. When I do I start sneezing like crazy and that is so HOT. I was like "I guesssssssss...I'll have the blood orange cosmo" It was pink and pretty! So I took a sip. It was like ALL ALCOHOL. No wonder their food's bad. They can't TASTE it. But still, it was so pretty, so I sipped a few more sips. For real I had about 1/5 of that cosmo.

THEN My friend and I parted ways. I, a wee bit tipsy, made my way home walking in the dark.

And THIS is what sets New York apart from other cities. You walk home. You don't just get tipsy and then get dropped off. This is when it gets scary. Those dark walks home, your judgement slightly impaired. Not knowing WHAT will jump out at you. 

Annnndddd what jumped out at me was...

SALE!! up to 70% OFF!!

We're not talking ONE store either. They're all lined up. AND tucked away on small streets. So no one is there to hear your screams for help. I ended up with THREE new dresses, only ONE of which was on sale. That's how they get you. The sale stuff is lame. Size 00's. Neon and whatnot. 

And to make matters worse, these are not the kind of stores that take kindly to returns. And I SWEAR of the non-sale stuff they only put out ONE of each size so they can be all "yah...that's the last one...company wide...in THE WORLD."

AND unlike every other mall in the world, they stay open LATE...to GET YOU. And just when you've left one store, there's another lurking around the next corner. Must have panties, an adorable pad of paper with matching bra, that cute hardback book sitting in the window of an adorable bookstore and WHY NOT just pop in for a mani/pedi? (at the mani/pedi place they even OFFER YOU FREE DRINKS! with things called the 'summer watermelon martini pedi')

I mean, we're completely helpless creatures out there in the city all alone. Where are Benson and Stabler when u need 'em?

Anyway. Go see the movie 'UP' because honestly it's the best movie in the history of all movies! I cried 10 times AT LEAST.  In a good way. I know I'm partial since the star dog is a golden retriever. But for real I might have to say that it's my all time favorite kid's movie...MAYBE even my all time favorite movie. Seriously.

I'm going to go watch late night L&O SVU reruns to see if I can learn any new self defense techniques!

CO-family sleeping...it's best for the children.

see that teeny tiny spot on the right where the pillows are? Yah. That's where I slept last night. And my mom wonders why I haven't married yet.

Just another Saturday night in the big city

HEY! I am basically, like Obama's new best friend. It's only a matter of time before I get a direct line to the Oval Office.

Why?

Because last night, He ate dinner at a restaurant RIGHT DOWN MY STREET! And all the streets were blocked off. And I was walking my dogs home from the park and they wouldn't even let me back on the street! SO I was all, but I LIVE here! And the Not-so-secret-service was all "Ma'am...national security is more important than you getting home" and I had to wait FIFTEEN more minutes. (lame) And then when I FINALLY went to get into my elevator theses sniper looking' dudes with US AMRY suits were coming off the elevators.

I am SO part of US history. I did my part. Saving the president and all. JUST by allowing his guards on my roof.

Okay fine. It wasn't me. But it WAS MY BEST NEW YORK FRIEND! AND HER dogs. And she does live down my street. So, same diff. Normally, I WOULD HAVE BEEN with her. And all the rest was true, cuz she called me while she was waiting to get back in.

Later that night, in the cab home from that party we had this conversation....

{we were talking about her man}

ME: The thing is Budd doesn't EVEN look 42!

HER: He's 40.

ME: well whatever...he doesn't even look 40! He could be like 35.

HER: noo way! He doesn't look that young. He looks his age. (she's only 30...what does she know? Everyone looks older to her)

ME: HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE eye wrinkles! See? (I scrunch up my eyes so she can see said wrinkles)

HER: Well true, but he's fatter and so his skin looks smoother. YOU GUYS don't get wrinkles.

I punched her in the arm.

BLOSSOM BLISS

It's friday night. 9:44 PM.

And when I read kris's blog that Blossom was going to be on What Not To Wear, I practically knocked my laptop over to get the remote, frantically searching for TLC.

SO I'm watching as I type. Seriously. WHAT? could possibly be better for a friday night!?!?! I haven't seen anything this good since the Brian Boitano Christmas Spectacular.

THANKS KRIS!!! You're THE BEST!!!!!

Now the GREAT news is that if you live in Utah or California and are reading this, then YOU CAN STILL SEE IT!!!

I like to think that I'm "paying it forward," "doing my part," "tithing," if you will.

You're SO welcome!

(and I won't even ruin it for you by telling you that Blossom looks like a weird man-girl with freaky bangs and the ugliest wardrobe you ever did see and and and...take a breath....you think "how will they EVER make her look better...and then....)

(lets just say she loses about 10 lbs of eyebrow hair)

Buddha Talk! Buddha Talk! It's a wonder you can walk...in those girly plaid paaaaaaa-aaants!

You're going to think I'm lying, but I SWEAR ALL THAT I WILL TELL YOU IS TRUE.

As I was walking through the park today, I was passing 2 buddhist monks. Like the kind with the orange outfits and shaved heads...the whole nine yards.

One of them was on a cell phone. MAYBE even THIS this phone

Annnnd RIGHT as I passed them the one monk says on the phone, all serious like..."hmmm. I don't know. Let me meditate on that..." HAHAHAHHAHHA!!! It was like right out of some cheesy movie. It was one of those times when even I was all "did that for real just happen?"

THEN not 10 feet later a guy and his Girlfriend came walking down and he was wearing Burberry pants. LIke the PLAID Burberry.
PANTS.

I mean, as GOLF pants, sure. Golfers wear a lot of crazy shit. But for a stroll in the park? with your {alleged} girlfriend. What woman in her right mind lets her guy wear all that plaid on a regular day?

This is why I love NY. True, there are just as many crazy freaks in LA...but they're all locked away in their cars. OR in my yoga room. THIS is way better!! Out in the open. where we all can point and laugh!! Remember Buddy Hinton in the Brady bunch? When he was all making fun of cindy for her lisp and was all "baby talk! baby talk! It's a wonder you can walk!"

That's me. Only in my blog!

Blogging is the new school bully.

Some Completely Fascinating Stuff

THIS IS THE DOGPARK...WHERE DOGS "RUN AROUND" (in theory)


THIS IS WHAT MICK DOES AT THE DOGPARK


ANNNNNDDDD....THIS IS WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE GETS HOME


A few other notes...

-DOes anyone else think those Old Navy ads are creepy? The ones with the mannequins "talking?" It musta been an office memo that went like this:

RE: SHAPE UP OR YOU WILL BE REPLACED

"Heads up employees! Old Navy is experiencing some Major Budget cuts. PHASE ONE: We're FIring all the actors. We have found that our mannequins will do JUST fine! PHASE TWO: Underachievers will be fired next, as we have found Mannequins to be more labor cost effective.
THANK YOU!
-the management team

-The gym was PACKED yesterday, Memorial day. PACKED. Come on people! it's your DAY OFF!!!

-On the subway today there was this HUGE black guy reading a full on romance novel. Like a real girly lookin' one. I almost handed him my 'eclipse' cd. Bet he'd LOVE it!

-AND on same subway a woman came on wearing too small flip flops. Her heel was hanging off the end. WHY? do women do this. Is it cuz they don't want to admit they're a manly size 11? Or was there just this HUGE sale and they only had size 6...but you're an 8 and you were just like "well, THEY FIT! I SWEAR THEY DO! I'm PRETTY DAINTY! "

-A woman came to class yesterday wearing all black...and a CHAIN around her wasit. A BIG OLE Choke collar looking chain. Around her whole waist. WITH charms at the front. It scared me. She was clinking around the whole time...like a rottweiler. Whoa fido!

Just to start your week off right

If you DON'T religiously watch the Real Housewives of New York you won't get this video at all. But if you do? Oh man...I am still crying laughing. And if you don't...I am SO SO SORRY that this post would exclude you...but off you go...to all your other blogs...

Chinese delivery: Not just for food anymore.

At first I was really bummed to be without my OWN washer and dryer...in my house. I was like "THIS is why I couldn't live in New York again unless I'm a millionaire." The first week I was here I had to haul my stuff downstairs, buy a laundry card and gulp, WASH my own stuff! I felt VERY little house on the prairie.

I hate doing laundry in THE BEST of circumstances. THEN I remembered (and how I forgot I don't know) that I SEND IT OUT!!! OH! The perks of living in NY. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING is delivered. And today...they came in the morning, picked it all up, and when I got home it was all sitting at my doorstep...all perfectly folded in cute little packages! It was like getting presents!!

And now I've set it up for weekly service! As well as the bi-weekly dog food delivery! No more hauling those big bags in and out of my car! And and, when u buy groceries, you just tell them your address and they deliver it in a few hours!! Basically, here, you just never have to carry anything! How have I lived in LA without this?!?!?

And then, for this evening I ordered chinese too. BEST.CHINESE.FOOD.EVER! Seriously, New York is THE BEST. Why did I leave? Oh yah...pee smell everywhere. Ah well. I DON'T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY!!!!

I got chills, that are multiplyin'....for real.

My friend and I took our dogs to the beach today. It was way fun. We met a guy name Louis. He was cute. And flirty. And I was all.."hmmm...maybe.." And then...

MY FRIEND: So, are you in school out here?
HIM: yep!
HER: what year are you?
HIM:Senior
HER: what school?
HIM: ST. Jude's
HER: college?
HIM: no. High school.

yah. no. I like young...but I gave him my # anyway DO HAVE LIMITS! (he IS 18 which my friend pointed out and said 'well, at least he's not jailbait!'

Then we met donna and her schnauzer. She came up to ask if her dog could play with ours.

"I was watchin' yous twos from afar and I was thinkin' hey! I bet they'll tell me and my crazy ass dog to get the hell outta here you skank! but I'm so glad I did anyway cuz yous twos look like nice girls and I don't have any friends so I was f'in' glad to see yous out here and look how nice yous are! Yous guys should come over to my place. I live third house down the block. The one with dolphins out front! You'll never remember that but you can come by anytime and we'll get stoned and WRECKED cuz F' it anyway! Who the hell cares!?!"

We got her # too...hey...sometimes finding parking by the beach is hard!...and she's 3rd house down!

I got FRIED and I am now sitting on the couch on friday night barely able to move. I mean? what the hell is WRONG with me?!? Who goes to the beach with no sunscreen on? And I just KNOW that my scalp got burned and now i'm gonna have big ole dandruff in a few days and I'll have to spend so.much.time going "no! no! It's NOT DANDRUFF! I'm PEELING. From SUNBURN!"

And can I just say there's NOTHING on TV right now. like NOTHING.

Oh, but the total BONUS? I'm subletting my friend's apt here in NY. And she has been complaining about how her maintenance fees are up to $1,600...MAINTENANCE FEES. MONTHLY. Yah, just TRY to wrap your head around that one. And then a few hours ago she stopped by and had the A/C on WITH the window right next to it fully open. I looked at her puzzled...she says...

"yah. I think the AC is sometimes TOO cold, so I just put it on WITH the open window. That way I get the natural breezes too."

I was dumbfounded and also worried...I mean, I'm paying rent here. And visions of a $500 utility bill flashed before my eyes. Until she says..."yah. I don't care. THE AC is included in the maintenance fee, so I'm just like SCREW 'EM! I'm gonna use it as much as I want!"

Moral of the story?

I am lying here on the couch, air on full blast. And I am NEVER TURNING IT OFF.

This is going to be the BEST SUMMER EVER!!

24

Saw Kiefer Sutherland at Jack's yesterday.

TWICE.

Just saying. We're practically dating at this point. Sorry Zac!

Washington Square Park

Today is like THE MOST beautiful day in NY! It's the kind of day you live for...when you wake up and the sun is shining, ad it's breezy and cool but not at all cold, etc. This is the very kind of day that makes LA oh-so-boring because it's like this almost EVERYDAY there.

But here? After a week of overcast and drizzly (which I also love) you get to wake up all in a good mood and stuff! Even ME!!!

And THEN I walked to the park this morning and I got a HUGE surprise!

But you need the backstory here...the PROLOGUE, if you will...

I live, have always lived, about 2 blocks from Washington Square Park. Nothing like Central park. It used to be all pot dealers, NYU student hippies, scads of chess players (?? I just don't GET that...outdoor park chess players. But to each his own) (LOSERS!) And a fountain that was nice enough, but always surrounded by traveling gypsy bands, mimes, jugglers and break dancers and such, and the dogpark.

When I was moving FOUR YEARS AGO they had just started "renovations" by fencing the entire park. You had to practically deploy National Guard Bootcamp training techniques to get to the dogrun. And I come back about 3 times a year, and it's been worse and worse each time.

WELL....I get there this morning, dogs and XL coffee in tow, and I almost fell over...They had JUST taken down almost ALL the fencing for most of the entire park, exposing brand new benches (sans drug dealers..yet) gorgeous new grass, bushes, flowers, etc. You could actually walk to the dogrun THROUGH the park!

AND..AND...AND...The gorgeous new fountain was RUNNING!!!! And because my idiot dogs get up so ridiculously early I was like one of the first people walking through!

The only thing this probably means to you is that you've been yawning so much through this post that you've found a good crick in your neck.

But to me, it means a lot.
1. I got to be the first of my friends to be there. This makes me act superior and annoys them all because I don't even officially live here! I'm the one who texted THEM the news! HA! Who lives in LA? Not ME!

2. I felt like it would never get done. And even though I had NOTHING whatsoever to do with it, I feel pride that it's finished and pretty. Kinda like how I feel when Lucy comes and cleans my house.

3. You can bet your ass that when you come visit me I will drag you there and be all "...and this is the park I've ALWAYS lived next to...isn't it pretty and Parisian looking?! And OH! The THINGS I had to live through during the renovations....." and thus will commence a tale not unlike ye old stories coming from a 90 yr old war vet.

4. It'll only be this pretty and nice for mayyybbeee a month. So I'll get to be all "....and I was here the VERY day it opened when there was actual grass and flowers and not a single tranny crack whore sleeping on a bench ANYWHERE!!"

It also just makes me feel connected still to a place that I call home anyway. That's the REAL reason. I woulda HATED to get a call about the opening sitting in my car in LA traffic.

So, YAY ME! Can u even believe what a good mood I'm in?!?!

AND to top off my morning of bliss...I was having coffee at Jack's, and.... Not a single stroller or toddler within sound...AND there was some jerk talking loudly on his phone inside, and the tiny grunge coffee girl yells "GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE IN THE CAFE PLEASE!" And the rest of us all snickered as he bolted out of the store.

GOD I love NY!

Here are some pics that I didn't take. I could have. but I'm too lazy. And why do it if someone else with a way better camera can?

It's just too early for me to punch you in the face.

This morning at 7:20 I went to the dog park. Here, the dog park is a big deal. It's like a church. Everyone knows everyone, but all they do is talk about everyone and how they DON'T train their dogs etc. Piety and Judgment run amok. There's this annoying lady who's ALWAYS there and wears a fanny pack...just to store dog treats and dog water and doggy poopy bags, etc. Suffice it to say SHE'S CRAZY.

Sometimes I look at her and think...am I staring at my future? And then I'm all "NO WAY!" because no matter HOW crazy I may become about my dogs, I will never...EVER...wear a fanny pack!

She starts handing out treats to HER dog, and of course all the other dogs want in. Especially my food whore Maggie. (Honesty I don't know WHERE she gets that!) (labradors! Must be genetic!) (mmm..these peanut butter & chocolate malt balls are DAMN good for breakfast!)

Maggie sits RIGHT next to her employing her BEST doe-eyed-don't-I-look-irresistibly-cute look. Which ALWAYS works on me. In fact I took a pic of her the other day while I was eating pizza because this is what she does EVERYTIME I eat pizza...


Anyhoo...she says SUPER loud..."MAGGIE! Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to beg!"

I just sat there. Maggie didn't move at all. Her focus on treats is olympic medal worthy. Didn't I teach her not to beg! HA! How else are you supposed to get stuff in life?! Honestly lady, maybe you need to take a lesson here...maybe YOU need to start BEGGING your hair stylist to start coloring that thick stripe of gray roots down the middle of your head! TRUE DAT!

Did I mention this is yet another phrase I hear by white girls ALL THE TIME?! In fact I was at Bergdorf's over the weekend (I was just LOOKING) and in the shoe section (LOOKING!) and this insane upper east-sider mom with bleached blonde hair, Chanel stilettos and a Birkin Bag said to her equally obnoxious friend "GOD! I just think Jimmy Choos are getting uglier and uglier as they cater to the masses!" and her friend goes "TRUE DAT GIRLFRIEN'!!" It took all my resolve to not laugh out loud. I shoulda been all "yah! I second dat!"

Only in New York kids, Only in New York!

CHAPTERS: The Poignant Novel about...CHAPTERS!

CHAPTER 1: THE HORRORS OF NEW YORK CITY:And Why You Should Know That a Slice of Pizza is 330 Calories and Therefore Diet Food.

CHAPTER 2: WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR A LONG SKIRT TO YOGA WITH GRANNY UNDERWEAR AND NOTHING ELSE...You Idiot!


CHAPTER 3: WHY A BIG BAG OF DARK CHOCOLATE M&M's CAN BE CONSIDERED LUNCH

CHAPTER 4: TEACHING HERE SUBJECTS YOU TO THE CRAZIEST WOMEN ON.THE.PLANET.

CHAPTER 5: DEATH BY YOGA MAT: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "SPIDER POSE" AND THEREFORE IF YOU ARE A SPIDER IN A YOGA ROOM YOU WILL BE IN DANGER

CHAPTER 6: TASTI D-LITE: IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST,LUNCH & DINNER ANYMORE.

CHAPTER 7: HOT FRESH TOFFEE PEANUT CARTS ARE LIKE BITS OF GOD ON EVERY CORNER: THE ROAD TO HEAVEN IS PAVED WITH PEANUTS



CHAPTER 8: HURTING YOUR KNEE BY WALKING, YES, WALKING, MAY BE A SIGN OF PERPETUAL LAZINESS.

CHAPTER 8 (RE-TITLED) BEWARE! HOW YOU MIGHT HURT YOUR KNEE FROM POUNDING THE EXTRA HARD SURFACES OF NY STREETS

CHAPTER 9: SUBWAYS: DON'T FART ON ME

CHAPTER 10: ELEVATORS: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHOWER FIRST!

Coming next...Ever wanna know how it ALL started?

PROLOGUES! THE IRONIC BOOK OF PROLOGUES!

I dare say, It's a war zone out there, ole chap

My favorite coffee place in NY has turned on me. It used to be all the neighborhood locals. The really old school pool player gang of dudes in their early hundreds. The little old lady Lorraine and her little dog. All the cool artists, even some hippies. It was sesame-street-sit-on-the-stoop-with-Mr-Hooper and a hot coffee and a bagel. Sigh. The good ole days.

THEN somehow in my absence, probably because I was not there daily to make everyone else feel excluded and give the non-desirables the stink eye, it has been overrun with wall street suits and (don't take offense here) the, gulp, STROLLER CROWD.


Gone are the days of walking up to Jack's seeing 8 dogs tied up to the the bench and stoop. That has been replaced with double wide strollers, double decker strollers, giant motorized strollers that spin and do wheelies and toddlers running amok, waddling up to my pets like subdued chuckie's mumbling "dogggyyyyy. doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" and the moms going "no. no. Wren and Raven, those doggies will bite and maul you. Mustn't touch." Or when their sticky little hands grab for wads of their fur "YUCKY YUCKY Jacques! We have to wipe your hands NOW. Doggies are DIR-TY"



I tried to be nice at first. I really really did. When the moms would ask "Can my little Leila Ayn Rose pet your dog?" I would be all "YAH! They're totally friendly. They LOVE kids!" And then said child would come up and bang on their faces and the moms would go "OHHH! Isn't SHE CUTE?! We don't even have a dog and look how brave she is!"

OH and the topper? When these GIANT double strollers would come down the block and run over my dog's feet. WITH NO APOLOGY???

I love kids and all. Moms even. But there is a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about the stroller moms of manhattan. Ha! That should be a horror movie title!!

Anyway. I still go there, in complete fascination about these moms. And along those lines...

Here are some words and their contexts that you ARE NOT allowed to say unless you were born and raised on british soil and/or learned english as a second language in London.

Pram...never.

Brilliant...as in "let's have a play date this weekend...after latin lessons, guitar, and advanced toddler chemistry!" "Brilliant!"

Lead...as in "no no Amaretto Chablis! Don't pull on the doggy's lead"

splendid....as in...any sentence.

snog...NO

flat...as in "Oh, I left my braided hemp nipple cushions back in my flat"

rubbish and/or bin..."oh Madisyn, go put that in the rubbish bin."

nappy...you can say "oh my god...my hair is so nappy" you can NOT say "Oh, who has a poopy nappy?"

queue... "daddy's going to get in the coffee queue. Stay here with you nanny Guadaloupe"

holiday..."We're going on holiday to rwanda this year! Aren't we clever?"

Again, born in England? sure. cute. hot even.
Born in America? LAME.

Oh, and PS...A FIVE YEAR OLD SHOULD NOT BE CARRIED IN A BABY SLING!

The City.

yawwnnnnn.

It's raining again. I still love it. You know what I love about rain in NY? Aside from HAVING to buy super cute rain boots and chocolate chip cookie delivery?

UMBRELLAS!



HAHA! NOT THESE!

I love seeing TONS of umbrellas walking down the street. A sea of umbrellas, if you will. It looks like Mr. Roger's land of make believe. Like, I expect Lady Eberly and King Friday and Meow Meow pussy cat to be comin' round the corner on the trolley with their umbrellas.

Anyone watch Celebrity Apprentice? (HA! I only asked that to be nice. I KNOW you do) HOW good was sunday? I'm not even wanting an answer...it's a statement. And how much are you DYING for the THREE HOUR finale? again...statement. JOAN RIvers head to head with ANNIE the Poker bitch!??! I swear it was rigged. There's just NO WAY that wasn't planned from the beginning. But that's neither here nor there. I have GOT to find out where it's being held and go get tickets or something. Make my time here in the city worth while. I have big plans while I'm here.

1. Somehow get into background shots when they're filming "The City." But, a background when it's Whitney. And MAYBE like, have my dogs with me and accidentallyonpurpose slam into her. Or something like that. I mean, after all, that show IS inspired by my life here.

2. Same with the Today Show...look for me in that crowd with Al Roker. And HOPEFULLY they'll maybe even let me do a shout out to my blog peeps.

3. Get into the opinion crowd in Times Square with Harvey Levin on THE PEOPLE'S COURT. And totally give my legal expertise on the cases. Then maybe they'll let me be on Law & Order SVU. My day is coming people! soon! Very soon indeed.

Museums schmuseums. This city has TONS to offer, not the least of which is high fashion shoes!


and in case it's raining and you need to PROTECT your bandals...


This is just the beginning folks!