yah.uh.huh.

K, so after class tonight I had the ultimate "reality check," as it were. This sweet (read: mean and spiteful) asian lady comes up to me and says "when your baby due?" I was leaning over, so I looked up because I THOUGHT she was talking to another student, but she was looking at me. HOPING I heard wrong, I said "huh?" and she said "your baby due next week?" (stupid stupid bitch!) So apparently, not only do I look pregnant, but I look 9 months pregnant?!!!!!!! Come ON! okay okay, I put on a few...but 9 MONTHS!?@! I hate everyone.

diet days...

Dieting seems soo, 80's. I ve probably been on one my entire life, since I have memories, I have diets. I can remember any era, every old picture, which diet I was on. I'm not gonna bore you with all the detailed diets, you know them all anyway. But do you remember the "drops" diets. those super expensive weird drops you could at first, only buy from "drop dealers" and then you could buy them at a cart in the mall. and they were NASTY and you put them in grapejuice and they were supposed to be a magic weight loss something or other. God...what was in those drops? I wonder if they ever ended up at the 99 cent store on the shelves with smurf party hats and rainbow brite bedspreads?
Anyhoo, I swore off diets for many years, but I was still yoyo-ing with weight. So I decided for medical reasons (read reference to "becoming crazy like my mother")to finally diet and stick with it to the END. We'll see how that goes. It's been a week...and a BAD week at that and I have stayed "clean." I'm only even writing about it right now because I just can't watch the entire "idol" voting results and NOT wanna eat ice cream, girl scout cookies (they call my name everytime I open the freezer for ice cubes for my protein shake) and anything else in my freezer. SO I write.

mochas with whip are the new 'gateway' drug...

Seriously, I just had a triple mocha at my favorite coffee place, with whip, after 5 dieting days of just coffee with soy milk,(I felt I deserved a treat, and a treat for me is the triple mocha and the new 'in touch weekly')(lindsay lohan has a new movie coming out)and I figured, okay mochas aren't THAT bad. It's not like I'm eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's or anything CRAZY like THAT! It's do-able in diet land to have a mocha, and then just skip lunch and have a sensible dinner of salad leftovers...and as I was drinking it I had new thoughts of "hey why don't I just have a 'treat' lunch @ taco bell too?" and then as I was reading about Tom hank's hair in Da Vinci Code, I thought "and after taco bell I could just have another 'treat' of onion rings, and well, screw the whole day then, I'll just have a 'treat' day! and then I caught myself. It never can be just a mocha....sigh.

ummmm

I just taught a class, took a class and had a big healthy type salady type dinner. and I AM BEAT. my joints ache and when I got up to go to the bathroom @ the snazzy restaurant I had to brace myself on the chairback. It's official. I am entering granny faze, and there was no one to point that out quicker that my half-deaf dad who, when I got my salad boxed up (I only ate half...I was "full")(that's what you say on a diet when really you want to order 5 more things, preferably burgers and sundaes)and I said "yah, well I can have this for lunch tomorrow" and he said "that's what old people do." I wanted to ditch that salad so fast, when minutes ago I was so excited about my lunch prospect for the following day. damn. oh well. I guess if taking leftovers home with glee is geezer central then sign my saggy ass up for BINGO!

A newsworthy week....

WOW! What a busy news week...Tom and Katie delivered, Ace is OUT and Jade remains on ANTM too too long. I have started a diet because gaining 50 lbs when you move to LA is BAD. Very very bad. Also my therapist said "you are going to have to remain active for the rest of your life or you will become bi-polar like your mother" Hey...I mean if there was ever a motivator for a diet..that's it! Haven't had a twinkie since he uttered the magic words "...like your mother." That was it! No trim spa for me. baby.

Bargains!

ugh, I feel sick and sllowoowowwww today because I have been eating all those half price easter chocolates allll day. I think there is a screw loose in my brain(gee ya think?) where SOMEhow I equate half price as half the product. So like for instance(because this needs further depth) if I buy something at half price, which means I'll buy 2, then I can eat both but it's really like I only at one because I really only paid for one. THAT my friends is how my keen mathematical brain works. I think I inherited this madness/genius. SO if I wanna be an optimist (and after all I DO TEACH THIS IN YOGA) then I will have to go with genius! I am not half empty, but half full, only I am fully full because I ate too many half price things. hmmm. I think I am creating a brilliant (!) S.A.T. question/essay! God I'm smart. (The real trouble happens when Safeway does their 10 for $10 sale) But none of this matters at all, because the REAL issue/topic for the day is will ACE YOUNG survive tonite?

Happy EASTER!!! (half price!)

I just spent the entire morning stalking See's candy stores b/c their easter chocolates go half off the next day and I KNEW it would be a race to the marshmallow eggs. I got there a little early (wasn't sure what parking would be like at location # 1) and there was already a small crowd of what can only be best described as Senior Citizens, but I mean...BARELY...I think they surpassed that category as I believe they were all in their early hundreds. I am NOT kidding. I need to start carrying a camera with me. As I walked up (clearly I was "late" as one woman said she'd been there since 9:30. it was 9:55. they open at 10.) Same woman looked me up and down and said "you can join the club!" She was the self appointed leader. In fact when the doors opened and the mad rush began, walkers and canes flying every which way, she directed people by who got there first. and was telling other seniors "no, this lady was first...the gentlemann was next..."
Anyways, I BARELY got my bordeaux eggs and foil bunnies out unsmashed. As I was leaving one, umm 'larger' granny (I was looking at my future, really) was explaining to the sales lady about her big stash "these are for the ladies at my church, THEY just love this stuff...."

NO MORE Indian food! (at night anyways...)

K, so I woke up this morning after a fitful night of stress dreams, and not just one stress (like your typical 'you're a waitress who can NOT get to all her tables and all the customers hate you' or 'you're a high school student again, but at your same age now, and you are about to take a test you didn't study for)No, this again, was EVERY stress I could ever have in one long drawn out movie. This is the second time this month I have had that occur and BOTH times were after an indian dinner! Now, I ask, was it that particular restaurant? Indian food in general? Or is it isolated, like I can eat indian food, but just not the samosas?

Well, I WAS going to go to India next winter to do some yoga...but Then what would I eat? I would be a skinny SKINNY yoga girl. And let me tell you, I have done MANY crazy wacked out things in the name of weight loss(the cabbage dite, the lemonade diet, the tic tac and lettuce only diet) but THIS sister, is just not worth it!

PS...what happened? is this also a product of granny-hood? I used to be able to drink a bottle of vodka WITH burgers from the mini-mart, and a whole bag of doritos and a dominoes pizza, topped off with a pint of ice cream and sleep like a baby!

I was trying to put a pic on my profile and this is where it went

I HAAATE JEN LANCASTER

Why? cuz after a WHOLE year of NOT blogging I am back? why? cuz I read her book "Bitter is the New Black" and I finished it today, saturday, and I have been angry ALL DAY. why? cuz I finished it. Seriosuly i have now been in 2 whole fights, one of which was while I was teaching YOGA. I almost punched a guy in the face who was being a rude uptight yoga asshole! (please, don't act like there isn't one in almost every class)(he's the one with the 'muscle tee' and brings his own mat)(and rolls his eyes because he has decided that I am incompetent as a teacher and he knows MORE than I do because his way is the ONLY way to do yoga)(and the one hwo tells the teacher how to teach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)GAWD! It's like when the pre-models on ANTM try to tell TYRA what's what. And you just wanna slap them (Hi Jade!)

But I digress...Normally I can handle rude-yoga-guy-who-by-the-way-is-like-60yrsold-and-should-only-be-taking-class-at-silver-hill-senior-day-camp but as I said, I was already pissed. See, when I get into a book that I lOVE LOVE LOVE, when the people become my friends, and then it ends, it's like a breakup. And this was a bad one miss Jen LANcasTER and her amazingly funny and sweet fucking book that made me never want to read again because it was so good and now I'm ruining my saturday cuz I am in mourning. seriosuly I just got up from a nap cuz I was too depressed to go to a movie.And I wandered aimlessly in Border's b4 my class and I was even too restless to get my usual mocha (that habit has been alive and well this past year)(I got one later) but I looked at every new book and practically spit on the reviews on the back. "oh yah...this new author is 'witty and charming!' HA! RIGHT! DON'T THINK SO!" "oh this new book 'will make you laugh till you cry'...DOUBT IT!" I was even angry that my other favorite author (Laurie Notaro) didn't have a new book out yet (jesus f-ing christ! It's been since christmas Laurie! What do you DO All day????)

I can barely type...I'm still mad. My commentary is THIS....read up future great writers who are super funny and bitchy and love hostess products..."IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A CAREER IN WRITING YOU MUST PUBLISH 5 BOOKS AT ONCE AND THEN ANOTHER EVERY MONTH OR SO! (preferably every week, but I realize THAT may be a little crazy of me, and I'm not crazy)(for real, my shrink said I'm not, just my mom is)(he also said you're not crazy if you're AWARE that you're acting crazy...and I am ALL ABOUT AWARENESS) It's called COMMITMENT people. You wanna write? fine...but you gotta know your audience...and your audience needs MORE than ONE book. It's not fair! We had it so good...these last few days we were TOGETHER. Before I taught, after I taught, laughing over coffee. getting me through LA traffic. ( I know...I'm a multi-tasker...and the one you HATE on the road)and now...I feel empty. robbed. alone. when will I ever find a book like that again? when?

blog wars

K, so I just got home from a pleasant day at the beach with the dogs, hot, chocolate croissants from the jewish bakery down beach blvd (only thing open on easter sunday) blustery wind, wet happy dogs, brunch with friends...
...and then a blog ambush? and he edits "holy shit" with "holy toledo?"
but I laughed...out loud. I hate admitting when my parents are actually funny...and real funny, not as in "my dad's senility has been funny today"
it's so cute when old people try to connect on the internet.

the sick and the restless....

it's friday night. there is NOTHING on TV and I don't have the attention span for a movie. I have the flu. Someone told me to go get a "netty pot" whatever the hell THAT is. I wanted to punch her in in her hippie face. My big dilemna is that I teach yoga but for the most part I can't stand yoga people! (well, I guess it's no different than working at the DMV) Don't get me wrong, I love all my students, but I have a hard time with the hippie culture connected to it all...you know what I mean...the pseudo "zenned" out crunchies who put their hand on your shoulder and feel sorry for your un-enlightened ass. And when you say stuff like "i just love meat" they shake their heads in deep sorrow and "pray" for you (and the innocent animals you randomly kill) in their mediation hour.
Personally, I prefer the Jesus Jammers of my Bible Camp days. There's not a whole lot of difference, but at least the JJ's knew how to have FUN...we're talking bible verse memorization contests, Genesis Spelling Bees, Skits on mortal sins, and the songs!! The songs rocked! "if i had a hammer, if I had a be-e-ellll..."
hmmm...I seem to always find myself among groups I completely don't fit into. But at least now, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Oh, I still wear all the cute yoga clothes, I just don't care that my old lady flapper arms dangle beneath my ultra hip FUR lined prada sports bra. HA! I think I'll go meditate now...

the ultimate shame

K, so I just disvovered blogging, right? and then i get this email from my dad...about his new blog site!!! How did this happen? How did my sixty million year old father and i find a common link...on the INTERNET?!?!? (well, maybe i'm being a little harsh here...at least we're not sharing porn sites...right?!)(I would NEVER go to www.PolesInPajamas.com) I have spent my 34 years distancing myself from my inevitable polish roots. I just tell everyone I'm mexican and leave it at that, and yet here i am, full circle, in polish land, blogging right along with my dad.

Holy shit...is this the new bonding for the millenium? Are senior citizens allowed on this thing? shouldn't they get a license or something to operate a computer? Is it good for their rheumatism to be typing all day? Isn't the screen hard on their glaucoma? Dad...are you reading this? Get a nice hobby! gardening is nice for your people. scrabble? shuffleboard? lawn bowling? bingo at the senior center? trying different anti-balding treatments? Isn't there ANYthing that could occupy your time, you last few moments on this planet?

I really don't want my sentences to read "yah...the other day my dad and I were blogging...and he pissed me off so we blog-fought...but then we kissed and blogged up."

i'll die if i don't get a donut!!

K, so it is late nite, i'm exhausted to the point where i don't even have the energy to capitalize my i's. it was a snowy weird PMS type day where my emotions ran high, from sorrow to bliss in 2 seconds flat. where i tried to rationalize with my dogs when they were being loud "why are you barking?" i said..."what point does it serve, huh beck? huh maggie? are you listening...I said what point does your barking serve? don't you see that there's no one there? why do you have to bark when I CLEARLY said no?!? If you don't stop then NO park tonight? do you hear me ...no park!"

yah...it was that kind of day, uneventful enough to relay any drama to exude sympathy from my friends, eventful enough that I still had to work, and pretend to be present all the while my mind racing in between the pathalogical liar on today's oprah to Hilary's dress at the oscars.

Then my friend wrote an entire blog about fat people and their "accountability." I was revved up on that one boy oh boy. I had to teach a yoga class...the poor students who got the leftover rage on that topic and they had no idea....let's just say there was more sweat than usual. So I walked the long way home in the freezing cold to just argue the topic in my head, rehearsing the perfect editorial. Then I had cramps and I got home and while I silently raged I ate 2 brownies and a donut. for dinner.
that'll show HIM! then I was out of food, and for a split second i felt frantic. where could i get another donut this late??? WHERE??????
then america's next top model came on and i could numb out on that instead. ahhhhhh
so you see? i am not accountable for that behavior! I had no choice. i am pmsing and raging inside...how ELSE am i supposed to cope?!??!? yoga? HA! is it really my fault that my mom deprived me of junk food in the golden age, the rise even, of McDonalds, right in the prime of my youth...so that i am an adult now consumed with thoughts of spending ALL my money one day at McDonalds?! so that if i see a stray cookie on a random table my mind not only notices the cookie, but says "who's cookie IS that? did they leave it on purpose? are they coming back for it? or did it drop of a plate of cookies? i wish that was MY cookie or I wish i could find the owner and just stare at him while he freely eats that cookie without a care in the world."
sigh.
i'll NEVER be able to eat a cookie without a care in the world. even in my skinniest days, i know EXACTLY how many calories are in EVERY cookie, and every single time i eat a cookie i wonder if i'll be able to stop. will this be the cookie that sets off a 40 lb binge for the next few months? i am terrified of cookies. i LOOOOOVE cookies. Even when I don't want a cookie i THINK about the times I used to want it so bad it hurt, or i think about all the cookies i will eat in the future when i am super skinny. I thought these thoughts when i was 4 years old, and i think them now at 34. i spend days meditating,crying,wishing hoping, dreaming of being a 44 yr old woman who can eat a cookie without a care in the world.

late nite stuff

okay, so it's snowing and freezing and I am hunched over my laptop bored. I keep checking and re-checking my citibank homepage. Is there REALLY only $11 in my account? How did that happen. "Someone must have stolen my identity!!" my mind shouts out. (oh, the poor poor wretched soul who attempts that crime will surely lose out!) and so I check my acct activity excited while the page downloads so I can see where this thief has been shopping and then, ever the cop, I can call my bank and smugly cancel my cards and tell all my friends how I was a victim...wiped clean!" (the page is still loading) and then I can go in detail how this thief had THE NERVE to use my hard earned yoga money (karma, man, karma) to go on a spree at Prada and Circuit city...(the page loads, I scan with eager, swift eyes)...
SBUX -----4.50
Starbucks-----4.67
SBux-------4.50
coffe-rama-------7.90 (musta had a bagel too)
Cosi coffee-----4.63
petworld-----187.50
Sbux------5.10
starbucks-----19.20 (they had the MOST adorable thermos!)(and I got a free refill!)
(and .10cents off every purchase when I use my thermos)
koffee-korner-----5.34
cup o' joe-----5.87
cup o' joe-----5.87 (it was a long, cold day)
cup o' joe-----5.87 (see?)
petsmart-----56.99

etc etc.....so my mind keeps scanning and scanning, waiting to see the ridiculous high end purchases the thief made. I scan all the way back to november. "huh" my mind says, "I guess the purchases from the identity thief are SO recent they haven't appeared yet. Guess I better check first thing tomorrow!"

So, you see, I go to bed tonight, on this snowy cold day, knowing that tomorrow morning, over my double grande peppermint mocha with soymilk and extra whip, I will again check my bank totals, hoping that A. I will find the mis-charged items or B. that money has mysteriously made it's way into my account, by some huge bank error. (which is probably how all my money was LOST in the first place! banks!!)

ho hum

K, I haven't read anything smart today. I took My new In Touch weekly with my Bagel from Murray's on 6th and hunkered down to some d-lish "news" for the week. Breakfast with the celebrities is sooooo good! Murray's puts about a pound of cream cheese on their bagels, which is half the reason I go...so I had a heart healthy, mind healthy morning! So, here's my editorial on my morning read...I hate how obsessed every tabloid is with the olsen's weight...and then Kirstie Alley's weight...mary kate is too thin and Kirstie is too fat! I mean come on! Is the news so boring that this is what we need to visit over and over again?! I mean Mary kate is clearly on coke and Kirstie is clearly on donuts! Maybe if they started to make a coke and cream filled buttermilk bar then we could have some balance in this culture!

dumb girl gets wired

well well well, yoga provides so many links to the inner self...none of which includes blogging! My friend looked at me, mouth agape, as I asked what the hell blogging was. I may as well have asked "what the hell is the world wide web?" So here I am , making up for lost time. How did I let this whole world forum just pass me by? Is it because I'm old now? Out of touch with my peers? (no, my peers, after all, are busy chanting away,tuning OUT) I still don't totally "get it" but whatever, now I can say I'm in the know. I just feel sad, like Daily Candy and In Touch weekly and Regis and Kelly somehow failed me miserably.