dooced!

yay me! I got to go meet the woman I plagiarize regularly!! Well, I only steal her youtube stuff from time to time. What? it's a COMPLIMENT to her, that she's so good! And I am SURE that if she ever stumbles on this site that she would full on steal stuff from me. Like that David hasslehoff pick. she would SO steal that. I like to call it "community sharing"



AWESOME pic right? iphone. Isn't the iphone AWESOMEI I didn't even THINK to bring an actual camera, well, cuz I don't do stuff like that..take pics with celebrities, because it ruins the image that I have of being above that sort of behavior. I prefer stalking.

Anyway, it was really weird for a meet and greet, cuz we had to stand in line to meet her and there were TWO big giant clunky cameras, AND one of those big fluffy microphone things that they hold on a pole RIGHT over your forehead. I felt weird, Like was I supposed to say something clever and witty? uh no. I am NOT clever and witty in person! My life is VERY compartmentalized.

BLOG LIFE=FUNNY AS HELL, SMART. WITTY, POPULAR, HUMBLE, CREATIVE...and on and on....

YOGA LIFE=BOSSY, JUDGEMENTAL, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, WITTY, CHARMING, CRAZY POPULAR!, PIOUS, FAKE GRACIOUS.

REGULAR LIFE=LAZY, APATHETIC, IMPATIENT, EXTRA MEAN, SURLY, LOYAL, KICK ASS COOK! BEST DOG OWNER IN THE WORLD, PIOUS about my Lexus Hybrid....what? YOU don't have a hybrid? Well, I'm just doing my part guys, just doing my part for the planet, ALOOF (don't act like you know me) CAFFEINATED, MEDICATED, SHALLOW, ELITIST, MATERIALISTIC, CRAFTY, GENEROUS, and I LISTEN WELL. Because I LOVE giving advice and butting in and pulling out my yoga sage wisdom. It's a gift AND a curse!

So anyway...I just stood there. Gave her a chocolate chip cookie from the place here that has THE BEST choc chip cookies and was all "hi." She is like, so insanely nice and sweet and funny and welcoming and everything you'd expect from her. I mean you never know. I once dated this guy who I met online and we had written emails for about a week and he was so funny I would be crying laughing. And then in person he said NOTHING. And he was cheap. SO, you just never know.

I didn't know what to say cuz it's either all or nothing...I either sit my ass down and tell her about my two dogs and my life in utah and does she go to banbury cross donuts too!? and go over every single post of hers that made me laugh/cry...or i stand there, mute, with a cookie.

Oh, and THEN her husband John asks where we're from, and the two girls next to me chimed in that they drove ALL THE WAY FROM VENTURA....blah blah. And then he turned to me and was all "did you come from ventura also?" Nooooo, "I live down the street." I shoulda been all..."No. I'm from Bakersfield. and I biked all the way here. just to meet you. it was no big. you're worth it." and then cue pious smile and condescending glance at the "ventura" chicks.

I can never think of that shit on the fly. it's a character flaw.

I left feeling excited cuz she's so awesome. And dejected cuz she's not my bestie, and I'm not nice like her. I drove off to teach class thinking "could I maybe try being nice and gracious?" And then quickly, "no. sigh. I've tried that one trick pony before. it doesn't work on me. When I try to be nice my friends laugh at me and ask what's wrong or if I just took an adderall"

But it was just a fleeting thought. I am totally fine with being mean ole crusty me. I mean, If I had a meet and greet, would you expect anything less? Anyhoo, it's genetic. can't be escaped. And if you're a nature/nurture defender...It is both nature AND nurture for me. My gene pool is more like a cess pool, and my family that raised me has NEVER been described as "nice. sweet. or kind" SO, I'm fine with it. I heart me.

But still, there is that twinge of envy when I meet someone like her. But, like a gorgeous expensive Stella McCartney Bag, I can just admire her from afar, know that though I'll never have that, I can appreciate it!

ummmmmmmonday

I so totally have NOTHING to post about.

wait. yah I DO.

ONE WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, you all KNOW that already.

Being that I was reared in a humble household, where we were only allowed to ask santa for ONE GIFT! every year (in some cultures I think this is child neglect) I definitely took my childhood teachings RIGHT into my humble adult life.

I would NEVER let material objects come before family! (even I couldn't type that without chuckling)

I mean I am SENSITIVE to our economic times and how that affects my loved ones. I really don't want anyone to go broke because of little ole moi! Besides, I'd way rather have LOVE in my life, rather than, say, shoes!......well, let's not go THAT far. How about LOVE and SHOES?! (did you expect a link there? see, I already posted THOSE links I am not THAT obnoxious!!)

Anyhoo...just another dull chilly monday here. (JUST KIDDING!! I already ordered that one!)(but not this!) (though, you DO get free shipping with orders over $100....just another way I'm lookin' out for your skinny stock portfolio!)

Okayyyyyy...enough about my birthday...for now. I don't want any of my newer readers to think I'm OBNOXIOUS or anything!! I mean, for my friends and family? this is mild. But you know, at least I'm not one of those people who REGISTER for their birthdays! UGH! THAT is totally rude! And obnoxious! And T.A.C.K.Y. And I? can't just choose from ONE store am NOT tacky!

Going to church is a better idea.

Here's something you maybe don't want to do on a sunday morning, while drinking your coffee and eating your yummy homemade "funeral" potatoes with bacon crumbles on top...

WATCH CSI on your TiVo.

Cuz, the odds that you will have just taken a big bite of something mushy WHILE they are cutting up a body in CLOSE UP is high. very very high.

Mutiny On the Booty....Coming to theatres soon...

Guess what I did tonight in fabulous West Hollywood? I went to a porno show!!!!

Wait, no, THAT was my YOGA CLASS.

She's baaaaaaaaack.

And THIS time she wore her same exact style of PANTIES as last time, only the entire class! No black short shorts. Just full Bare Butt.

But she tricked me cuz she walked in wearing the shorts, and then I turned around and it was all skin, all the time. I about fell over. I was so distracted I could hardly teach. Why God? WHYYYYYY?

And let me just tell you, that I had to avoid any poses with a leg up. And then i completely made the mistake of putting the class into wheel pose.

You can imagine the problems this caused for me. Let's just say that a centimeter to the right and I woulda seen her uterus.

After class I ran downstairs to talk to the front desk people to make fun of her. And was all "hey...you'll never believe this...." And the front desk girl was like..."Ohhhh...the one with the long black hair, tan skin. The porn star."

"YAHHH! TOTAL PORN STAR! hahahahha. I'm SO glad you know who I mean, so it's not just ME who thinks she dresses like a porn star"

"No she's a REAL porn star."

AHHHHHHH!! NO F-ING WAY!?!?"

Now I just have to find out her name so I can show you guys. I mean. you know, like a head shot or something.

I'm exhausted. Seriously any more of this kind of stuff and I'm filing for workman's comp.

WWJD?

I wanted to write about this last night, but given the OTHER stuff going on in the Country, I felt America needed my attention.

But, like the day after Christmas, it's back to ME.

Now, as I've griped before, my job is NO bed of roses. But last night took the cake. Not because it was someone showing body parts that should ONLY be shown in the bonds of holy matrimony AND in the dark, I mean that did happen, but at least THIS time it was funny. well, funny for me because I laughed my ass off DURING class.

A woman walked in late in HEELS. So she annoyed off the bat. Then she goes to the corner and puts down her mat and starts taking off her pants. Now, this is pretty ordinary because lots of people wear sweats or long pants and then have SHORTS on underneath and then when they get to class and it gets hot, they take off their pants and wear their SHORTS. Many yoga shorts are ALREADY totally slutty...

I mean..it's SO WRONG. right!?!?!

I was actually EXPECTING those shorts on her, cuz she just looked like the type. but no. THIS is what SHE wore


and I SWEAR I. am. not. joking.

It took me a while to find the EXACT thing she had stripped down to. (of COURSE though, I found it at V.Secret!)

I thought at first, like, she was just changing? And I was shocked that she just stripped to her panties in class. But like I said, though I've never seen anyone do that before, she really did look the type. THEN she got on her MAT, in DOWN DOG nonetheless, IN HER PANTIES and just started doing yoga. I actually walked over there to see if I was seeing what I thought i was seeing. I made sure not to go behind her...I have been WELL trained not to do THAT. And I just stared in disbelief. I wasn't sure if I should SAY something because I felt like I should protect the poor people next to her. I mean, this is the west hollywood class, the Males and females alike did NOT want to see her na-nanny. But then HOW do you say that?

I went back to my spot in the front of the room, deciding what the hell to do here, and my guy friend was in the front so I kicked him and I pointed to the back and mouthed "WTF???" Once he saw her, he did a double take and started laughing and then I started and then I couldn't stop.

But here's the interesting twist. Here I was, thinking that she's just a complete porn freak, and being that this IS hollywood she actually probably is, and then about 10 mins later I see her stop suddenly, look down and then reach into her bag and put on yoga shorts, kin to the first pic. And then she just continued on.

So??? What? Was she NOT AWARE until that moment that she was DOING yoga in her panties??? And she was all "oooopps, forgot my shorts!" Or she's SOOOOO used to wearing whore clothes that it's hard to tell when you're just in your underwear?

This makes my head ache. I am pretty sure that Mary Magdalen, though thought to be a prostitute, never showed up at Jesus' feet in a thong. What's a spiritual leader to do??

I GOT MY STICKER!!

YAY! I voted! And here's the cheesy part, I got tears in my eyes as I left!! Like I felt all patriotic and stuff. I'm pretty sure I got all emotional because of THIS POST. And I was like all nervous when I was voting, I even signed my name all weird. huh, who woulda thought I had a caring bone in my body?

Okay, now that's outta the way here's why I probably really felt nervous. My polling place was in a FIRE HOUSE!!!! How lucky am I? I mean for REAL! Could there even BE a better place to vote?? with all those hot firemen hanging out just FEET away? UH! If I had know this is what is possible in this country I woulda voted EVERY election!!

Wow, when I lived in Utah it was at some women's club or something. All old ladies hangin' around. And last election, in New York it was, no joke, at the gay and lesbian community center. Talk about the opposite experience! I had to shove through hard core lesbians to vote last time. So I was in n out in a RUSH. I don't even think I voted on props last year.

But THIS year, I not only voted on most every single prop, but I pondered my options.
very.
carefully.

Thank GAWD I wore my cute black pants! Now, if those firemen hadn't worn shirts? There would be WAYYYYY more voters next time around. WAYYYY MORE. You know...they never even checked my ID. hmmm....I should go back. In a tube top! HA HA! J/k. for sure!

I'm wearing my sticker on my pant leg. How hip is that?! Off to class, where i'm gonna act better than everyone because I voted!

PS. You know what I do love about election day? Seeing the big map with all the colored states and realizing that I never even knew where Kentucky was!

Well. THIS IS IT! This is THE day. The day that will MAKE a DIFFERENCE....

....in whether my Birthday presents arrive ON TIME or NOT.

IT's 13 DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Seriously, I don't care if stuff is on time....as long as it is BOUGHT. I kinda feel like all of November is mine anyway.

Also I'm up early. To vote? nah. I thought about going early but then on the news they said the lines are looonnnggggg. SO, much as I love this country and all, I don't do lines. I'm hoping that around 11ish, when all the tax paying, hard working schmucks are at work, I'll go. But seriously. those poll workers better speed shit up, cuz SURELY I'm not the ONLY one who is too lazy to get in line. If they were SMART about it, there would be door prizes and those donuts would be passed out BEFORE we vote, while IN line. get us all coked up on glaze and rainbow sprinkles.

And speaking of all those free treats we get, I was thinking on the way home from teaching class last night. (Teaching yoga puts me in a very Zen, pensive, philosophical space. I think it's less a spiritual experience, and more a "drunk with power" high. After all, people in class do whatever I say. I could make them hop on one foot for an hour in the name of "presence" and "endurance." I mean, I would NEVER!)( but I could)(just saying)

And I found it curious that WHOLE FOODS isn't giving out anything free to voters. NICE ONE whole foods! Way to support the community. Cutting out plastic bags just ISN'T gonna cut it.

Is it that they all know hippies don't vote anyway. They just complain about THE MAN and THE CORPORATIONS. Then they get high and don't move more than a couch cushion away. Am I stereotyping? hmmmmm....

Also maybe they figure if they were to give out, say wheat grass shots, that Americans wouldn't vote. it would have the opposite effect, that we would see it as punishment.

Or maybe they just KNOW that, with americans, it simply "wouldn't take." I know I wouldn't be running around all over the greater Los Angeles area to different whole foods to get my free gluten free snacks, as I will with say, the 57 Starbucks in my 5 mile radius, and the 11 Ben & Jerry's within 20 miles of my zipcode, and the 6 krispy Kreme stores that I can get to in 30 mins. I have a game plan, don't worry. This is EXCITING. It's like trick or treat for adults!!

I mean, the future of our country is exciting too, I guess. But I'm veering off track here. The REAL excitement is MY BIRTHDAY!!! I wonder how many presents/giftcards ALL MY READERS will send?!?!?!?

Barrack the vote! VOTE AmeriCAIN! JUST VOTE!!

Seriously, There are SO many reasons to vote. VOTE VOTE VOTE!! But in a departure from my regular blogging, I just wanted my Patriotic Self to come through, to tell you the MOST.IMPORTANT.REASONS.TO.VOTE.

Pay attention.

1. Starbucks is giving FREE COFEE to anyone who votes!! oh, also IT's A PRIVILEGE to vote, not a RIGHT. (but FREE COFFEEEEE)

I will be at the booth BRIGHT & EARLY!!

2. KRISPY KREME is giving FREE DONUTS if you vote! oh, and our ancestors DIED for this privilege! (thanks grandpappy! I get free fried food b/c of you!)

I can't WAIT to eat VOTE!

3. BEN & JERRY's is giving FREE ICE CREAM!! And also only 54% of people vote...more people vote for American Idol! (welll, to be fair, they're WAY hotter)

YAY DEMOCRACY!

4.You have to live in NY to get this voting prize, but it MIGHT BE WORTH THE TRIP. and also, well, there is no also. FREE SEX TOY says it all.

I bet NY gets LOTS of voters. I hope they do a count...Are Americans motivated by sex or donuts? hmmmm...I bet it's a close call. FOR me? NO QUESTION!

Wow. It's AWESOME to be an American. NOW GO VOTE!

the end is nigh....

I just got back from the dog park this morning (yes, it's 6:40 AM)(just a notation for those of you who always say "I wish I had YOUR life") and when I got there, I pulled into the parking lot (I BARELY ever drive there)(practically NEVER)(Mostly I WALK the 7 blocks there) and, I am NOT even joking....there were more than 100 crows. Seriously. Not like, there were really 10, and I'm saying 100...there were MORE than that....a virtual blanket of black, if you will.

And being that it was SIX AM there was NO ONE else around, just me, in my car, surrounded by hundreds of crows. I naturally looked around for Damien somewhere. AND they didn't fly away when my car pulled UP! I don't know about YOU but to me, That is an OMEN, man. AN OMEN.

So, I'm going back to bed. In the face of doom and tragedy, there's always a 1000 thread count sheet to hide you from evil. (I mean, I don't HAVE a 1000 thread count sheet, mine are 300...but I COULD) (king. white. thanks.)

politics...in my house

I am so sick of hearing about POLLS! Polls this Polls that. I can HARDLY watch TV anymore! And we all know that puts me in A MOOD.

ANd THEN all I even hear anymore is prop this, and prop that and YES! NO! YES! NO! And all the drama in a 30 second low budget commercial. Makes me want to hit people.

This year, the whole election thing brings me HOPE. I feel hopeful, ya know, that the low budget "actors" they have on the "props" commercials become super famous one day and then they'll be on Ellen and of course she'll pull up the old 'prop" commercial and he'll turn all red and stammer while ellen dances around laughing at him. oh joy! This election has SUCH promise.

So since I couldn't stay home watching TV and squirreling away all the cupcakes and three musketeers and chocodiles into my room so my roommates wouldn't hoard it all, I decided I needed to get outside! get some sunshine on my face! Reap the benefits of living so close to nature.

So, I went to the grove and ate at cheesecake factory and then poured over books at B&N and had mexican hot chocolate (which deports you to a snuggly living room in Mexico, sitting by the fire with a hot mexican guy who starts sentences with "mi amore...") then I got suckered into buying theseand then also these
But seriously don't worry I can ALWAYS need more.
(just make SURE not to get these I mean, you know, you absolutely don't need to get me ANYTHING

Hmmm, I had a point, and now I forgot it. So you know what THAT means!!!............



This is Maggie's new costco bed, which is the cutest thing ever. It fits her JUST right. I just love when she's all curled up on it napping. but my FAVORITE thing....


...is when Mick tries to squeeze himself in it to fit. and the look on his face is "what? I totally fit. see? no problem here."

What are you gonna be for halloween? A.D.D.

WIKIPEDIA definition of Adderall..." has been commonly prescribed for many years as a treatment for children and adults with attention deficit/hyperactive disorder (ADHD), a disorder that prevents children and adults from being able to focus on tasks for extended periods of time, a particularly detrimental condition for school performance. (see dad! It wasn't MY FAULT) Depending on dosage, these beneficial effects can also last several hours allowing improved performance throughout the day.[9][10]


Well well. Look who took her adderall last night!

FINALLY! someone who is worse at geography than ME!!!

Breaking News Flash!

I bet you expect me to write about Brit or Zac or something like that. Okay, Okay, I'll take that. (although, the fact that Zac Efron is remaking 'Footloose' IS news) But this news flash is serious. REAL news.

Get this....economic times are SO bad, that even the dead are having to move! HA! NO ONE is immune from the housing crash. A cemetery is going into foreclosure! weird huh? especially at halloween time. coincidence? hmmm....Where WILL all the Zombies go? Will they have to carry around their tombstones all sad and mopey as they wait in line at the soup kitchen? I mean, won't that kinda ruin halloween?

Okay, for real, Will the feds bail out the cemeteries? cuz, isn't that KINDA important? Where they gonna go? What about the super anal people who pre-paid for their plots (creepy!) so they could be buried next to grandma? Now what?

THANK GOD I'm not old and don't have to worry about any of this. I wanna be cremated and thrown out to sea anyway. They can't foreclose on that! HA! But, in case of my early demise, let's be CLEAR. By "sea" I mean like, the caribbean or hawaii or the french riviera...yah! there...Cannes or St. tropez. So, who ever's in charge of my remains....DON'T think you'll be all cheap and throw me into Long Beach. I WILL HAUNT YOU.

Oh, and here's my twin sister's "VIEW" interview!! Her show airs saturday! And then in 3 weeks I go to New Zealand to visit her with my little brother and his fiancee. So, I will make sure to stay RIGHT by her side 24/7 so I can make it into US weekly.

NY shopping...

When I was in NY I went to one of those super cute stores filled with all the kinds of things you NEVER need but could drop about $1000 in 10 mins. The kind of place that you really only go to with girlfriends and all you keep saying to each other is "oh my god...read this!" or "I HAVE to get these $50 coasters because they're CHARLIE'S ANGELS!!!"

I try my best to NOT pick up the cocktail napkins in shapes of candy bars and the Simpson's Monopoly game. But I can never resist the magnets...because..HOW CUTE ARE THESE?!?!?!

I am totally using these little cute chinese magnets to hold the chinese delivery menus on the way cute magnetic chalkboard I bought three years ago for JUST THIS THING. It will be great to get all the menus out from between the sofa cushions where they usually are so they don't get lost. It's THE WORST when you want delivery and can't find the damn menu! Won't be problem anymore!


Now, these next two I figure, I'll put RIGHT on the front doors of my fridge and then when I have a date I'll send him to the kitchen to "get a drink" and when he sees these I am SURE to get a second date!!





And this is just one of about 15 cards I had to buy but it was my favorite. I LOVE LOVE LOVE buying funny birthday cards like this, especially since I think they're SO funny that I never actually send them because when I NEED a birthday card, I'm like "hmmmm, I don't want to send HER that card, it's too funny...I might need it for another friend."



I can't post ALL the other stuff I bought whilst shopping in NY because Blogger doesn't hold that much memory space, and also I don't want people thinking that they can't get me a gift because "she already has everything." (especially so close to my birthday) (NOVEMBER 17) Because know what? I SO DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING!!

PS. MY "twin sister" will be on THE VIEW TODAY!! WATCH!

there MIGHT be someone out there better than me...but most likely not...

K, first of all, i don't usually link to OTHER people's blogs. Mostly because I rip them all off and then you'd know where all my material comes from and what a hack I am. I'd be exposed for the Milli Vanilli that I am. (in case you don't get that reference..I'M the hot twin black lip sync'ers)

ALSO because I don't want to lose my VAST readership and I'm like Blair in Gossip Girl (in EVERY way....rich, hot...) and I need to be the queen and keep my bees close. I can't have people straying, because UNlike Jesus I will not go searching for and then cuddle my lost little lambs...I will write about them and make fun of their clothing.

***newsbreak.***showing totino's pizza roll commercials at 8 am during fox news should be banned. Seriously It's wrong.

But I can't any longer hide this blog all to myself. She actually makes me LAUGH out loud. Not like LOL, where people are all LOL but they're really NOT LOLing they're just saying "yah, that's mildly funny and/or I'm writing LOL because what you said is NOT funny, but I don't know what else to write" If you've EVER lived in Utah it will be even MORE funny...but it's funny either way. I don't know that she'll appreciate this shout out, per se, because it's like Britney endorsing a political candidate...which is why I never discuss politics here.

You know, It's like, I like to live by sayings on Hallmark decorative wall placques..."If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back it was never meant to be" But I know my reader(s) will come back because they HAVE to. They're all friends and family, who, when I talk to them and they're all "what have you been up to?" and then I say "well, remember on what I said on MY BLOG?" And then I quiz them until they cry and try to tell me their computer's been "down." And then they never make that mistake again. NEVER.

Whatever. I'm perfectly secure in that fact that, no matter what...I will ALWAYS...ALWAYS have the cutest dogs.

AND the ability to insert famous people's names here and there. FAMOUS people that I KNOW and can introduce to my readers who are LOYAL.

And just to keep me on your "reader" list I will tell you that I AM ABOUT TO be related to someone SUPER famous. And you have to watch her new show. She is going to be my sister-in-law-in-law (we'll just call her my twin sister, for short) I am going to be the next Casey Affleck/Ally Lohan/Haylie duff.

So, see you next BLOG!

PS...MY B-DAY is a mere 21 days away. So, you can still get free super saver shipping on amazon if you act in the next week or so. Just saying. You know, I mean, your comments are all the present I need! (ha! now THAT! is LOL)

only cuz I'm at the airport and have nothing better to do..

Copy and paste the words.
Bold the things you have done...

1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars(but NOT by choice) 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower(kinda boring if you ask me) 6. Given more than you can afford to charity (HELL no! CHarity begins at HOME) 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain(again, not by choice)(and by mountain I mean a hike up a hill to get to the "arch") 9. Held a praying mantis (why? why is this even on here? EEEEWWWW) 10. Sang a solo(HA! UN-fortunately for my church choir) 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (making mac n cheese from the box counts, right?) 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning (panda express orange chicken!!) 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (oddly, no). 18. Grown your own vegetables (RIGHT!) 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train (still have neck pain from it) 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (is this unusual??) 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon (pfffff ) 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse (well, sang about it, of the heart) 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run . 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (NEVER!!) 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing (LAME) 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke (once. it was tragic) 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (it was Ihop...adorable old couple, and it was only 10 bucks...they had the senior special) 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had your portrait painted (GOD no!)48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theater 55. Been in a movie (i think the fact that I've been an extra in Touched By An Angel FULLY counts) 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business(PAIN.IN.THE.ASS.) . 58. Taken a martial arts class 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (I got kicked out of Brownies. sad) 62. Gone whale watching ($70 bucks...one whale tail. Just go see Free Willy)63. Got flowers for no reason(by "got" I mean I "got" them for myself) 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (got a stoner boyfriend out of it too! He worked there. I had no standards then. Also lived off the money!)65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check . (HA! I'll say. Not past tense either) 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (snoopy!!)70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial (ICK! also sooo boring) 71. Eaten Caviar(yah, but I think it was the cheap kind cuz it was disgusting) 72. Pieced a quilt. 73. Stood in Times Square (wayyyyy too many times)74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job (not so much fired as just deciding one morning not to show up) . 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone . 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (with a helmet on, of course)79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (well, flew over it. not excited) 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car (now can never buy used)83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper (yah, but it was the local paper, when I had my confirmation. I was wearing Esprit) 85. Read the entire Bible (could never get past NUMBERS!! UGH. Tedious) 86. Visited the White House .(my dog licked clinton's dog through the fence) 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (WHAT????) 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life (well, I AM an awesome yoga teacher...I have saved many many lives) 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous(Duh! do you KNOW who I am?) 92. Joined a book club (yah, the kind where you get 5 books for $1) 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person (nope, just in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, so I know there's no Basement) 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (I put my feet in...ICK. too smelly and disgusting....remember that dede??) 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone (okay, when was this created? 1996?) 99. Been stung by a bee 100. Talked your way out of a ticket (Not totally, but my fried talked her way out of a 100 mph speeding ticket and I feel my presence helped...Hi dede!)

Morning coffee in ny...heaven

AWWWW. Lucas. Isn't he cute? And so sweet. in a stoner kind-of-way. Again, not date-able, but just wanna roll him up and put him in my pocket. We had dinner last night and now we are jacks coffee..my favorite! He is thoroughly annoyed that I took his picture and am blogging from my phone. Now he's calling me a typical LA A-hole. Clearly our honeymoon phase is OVAH! He's trying to get me to go to his little rock gig tonite and I'm like uhhhh...I already have dinner plans :( sad facey. He doesn't read this blog. He doesn't DO blogs and iPhones and stuff. He still has a flip phone. Sigh. We were torn worlds apart before we even began.

Bored yet? I better get off this. He still needs a little attention for next time.
Xoxo

The mean streets of NY...

Sorry all my fans (Hi Dede & Carin!!) for not posting yesterday. i KNOW how you all eagerly await my wisdom and proverbs. I know because dede added "site" meter to my blog so I can check out who's reading and I went to the "world" map and I had dots placed in NY (me) and UT (Me again...and some friends who do "pity" comments) and LA (me) and N. CAL (my dad) I'll be popular in Singapore soon.

Anyway, I had like 3 clients yesterday, going to actual yoga classes at 6AM, and then teaching a class a day. Been pounding the pavement and since I never walk more than half a block from my house to starbucks in LA (I've driven there before) My shins are KILLING me. Now I have the whole day off!! Yippee! I just had lunch with my NYC "boyfriend" (if you know what I mean) (hi dad!) I've known him for years and we hook up have lunch whenever I'm here. He's not quite as hot as those pics make him seem. So don't think I'm all dating hot guys and stuff. But he's SO cute and adorable and SO not my type. He's in a rock band. Which makes him H.O.T. But not date-able.

And now I'm off to actual lunch. for real. with a GIRL friend. And some shopping. And making fun of people. Especially people who think Leggings are Pants....THEY'RE NOT.

seriously??

WOW. THIS beats "heather has two mommies" for sure!

Yoga People in NY are JUST as annoying as yoga people in LA

I was walking to my super hard yoga today (I pre-paid for the week...otherwise NO WAY would I have gone...I'm still sore from yesterday) (plus also there's this french croissant place that is tiny and a fat pink cheeked french guy named Claude is the only baker and all he makes are the most amazing croissants EVER and at 7:am they are still steamy melt in your mouth hot)

Anyway, I was waiting at the curb for the light to change and there was this girl in front of me, with her yoga mat strapped on her back (capital L.A.M.E.) and she is jumping up and down. Just waiting for the light, JUMPING up and down. Dude, lay off the adderall. It took all my peaceful yoga energy NOT to pick up my foot and knock her into the street.

You may be thinking, WHY? do you even DO yoga if you're a hater? BECAUSE this studio in New York has LOTS of famous people who go there and I have been NEXT to Gwyneth and what's his face from Batman...one of the evil guys...oh yah. willem da foe (i think that's how it's spelled) (maybe he's on the B list these days) (but he smiled at me once, so you know, I now KNOW him) and Madonna. Okay, I never SAW her there, but everyone says she goes there, so I go there JUST in case.

Plus it does kick my butt and there's SOMETHING about it that calms me down. Otherwise I would be even meaner and set flowers on fire and pinch babies and accidentally on purpose trip little kids who run down the aisles in grocery stores. (ummm, I might occasionally still do that one) (HAHA..J/K. LOL....sorta)

I mean, a lifetime of my mother forcing me into Vacation Bible school (vacation?! HA!) and bell choir and catholic school didn't take. SO, you know, prescription drugs, coffee and yoga make me manageable for society....hey! whatever works!

Going off to coffee now. Had the drugs and the yoga already. HAPPY HAPPY DAY!

These people also hand out raisins at halloween. organic free trade cruelty free raisins.

These were taken yesterday of an actual CHILD's birthday party at the little greenwich village playground for super fancy rich hippie kids and their nannies.

Here's the evidence that what I speak is the truth, because if I had just TOLD you about it, even though i am VERY trustworthy and not at ALL prone to exaggeration, you would NOT have believed me.








I need you to look carefully here. And notice the "party food" at this CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Items like, ummm, ORGANIC PLAIN RICE CAKES. It was the only evidence of "cake" on the table. sad. I see a therapy bill in this child's future. (actually, little harrison is probably already seeing someone)

And the multi grain organic crackers. THOSE are for the adults. The kids get the ORGANIC apple sauce cups. AND/OR and organic apples.

To wash it all down, there is a big gallon of REGULAR water, OR if you want to veer from the natural still water they have PLENTY of canada dry seltzer water. plain. It's not organic though, so that's probably for the hired help.

pillow talk...

setting the stage here...

My close friend of mine who I'm staying with in NY. We're reminiscing on her bed, slumber party style, talking about our sex lives or lack thereof, making fun of friends, shoe sales....the usual stuff. We just ate dinner and had our favorite cake from our favorite bakery....

ME: UGH! I am so mad at eating that cake because it was DISGUSTING! And SO not worth it.

HER: I KNOW~ what happened? they used to be THE BEST.

ME: MASS PRODUCTION!

HER: STUPID TOURISTS is what it is!

ME: yah...They have gone DOWNHILL.

HER: seriously, my slice was SO dry.

ME: I KNOW!! Mine too! Like, WAY dry. Like stale bread crumbs in my mouth!

HER: YAH! like drier than both our coochies!

Ancient Chinese secret huh.....

errrrr. I just woke up late and missed my super hard yoga class I was supposed to take from this yoga master dude here especially from India. THIS! is why I don't drink. Well, I mean I did drink last night. One. Maybe 2.

But my hangover isn't so much from that I don't think. It's more like a chinese food hangover from THE BEST CHINESE FOOD EVER! (in fact, there ARE leftovers in the fridge...) (no, no...today is bagel day) I tell you their general tso's packs a punch! Oh, and they have these handmade dumplings and noodles in this super spicy sauce stuff. You HAVE to get past the hanging upside down rosted ducks in the window though (I just pretend they're paper mache ducks. That the chinese have arts and crafts too)

So naturally I ordered about 5 dishes cuz I wanted a little of everything, and a little of everything turned into A LOT of everything and now I have a shrimpfriedwonton headache.

I also never drink. So when/if I do my friends get ALL excited like they've accomplished some great feat. You can see the pride in their face when I take that first sip as if they're like "hey! I did that! I got her to drink!" not unlike the brothers in the Life cereal commercial of yesteryear...I am the Mikey.

And ALL night I was like "I can't, I have yoga in the morning....I can't I have yoga in the...." Which made them more determined because if I got a vegan to eat fried little pork balls I would bow down to myself too.

Oops. So, now instead of a mind/body connection, it's gonna be more of a coffee/body connection. YAY! way better than indian world sage yoga leaders! I wonder if I'll even ever USE my yoga mat that I hauled over here? well. it's nice to be prepared anyway, to dream big. In yoga we say "it's your INTENTION that matters." Sure does! And now, I am off to my other intention. And I "intend" to be nice. And I "intend" to only have one cup and no chocolate chip cookies that they make fresh in the AM. And then I "intend" to do yoga later. Ah..DREAMS! that's what this country is MADE of!!

update

I just landed. Sitting on runway. Moth ball lady was watching animal planet for about an hour...a show all about SNAKES! Snakes in the toilet, snakes living in peoples kitchen cupboards, whole snake families discovered under someones kitchen sink. Gawd...i will have nightmares for weeks. And I couldn't even avoid seeing it cuz it was the time they were handing out diet cokes and no way am I missing my free diet coke. Freaks.

Also just as plane was about to land I had to pee so bad it felt like daggers. Got up when I wasn't supposed to and flight guy was all "not supposed to get up" so I pointed to my stomach and mouthed "pregnant" and then he goes "still not supposed to get up. I smiled as I bolted into the b.

Can't wait to am-scray off this flight.

I'm on the plane and the people next to me smell like mothballs!! Blyackkkk!! Gonna be a long flight. Sad face :( note to self...make way more money so don't have to be with moth ball passengers. Want first class where people smell like daisies and rainbows.

friday night blah-g

When I got to my class tonight, about 10 mins early, there was some couple lying on their mats with their eyes closed holding hands. BLAAAAACHK. I just wanted to walk over there and step on their little fingers all entwined, and be all "OOPS! didn't see your hands there where they don't belong, in between the mats. WE DON'T DO THAT HERE"

But of course I would be fired or something (I mean, I would deny it if they told, but just trying to avoid confilct) So, naturally I simply went to the stereo and put on justin Timberlake. LOUD. They jolted up and looked all around, clearly annoyed that I had disturbed their little tantric meditation there. Confused, bewildered. The old lady one looked at me and was all "is this the right room for yoga?" and I was pretending not to notice their annoyance and said "YEP!"

HA.HA. Get a room next time. losers.

I'm thinking, that they DO know evil

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera

EDEN? PARADISE? PEACE? GLORIOUS?

mmmm, not so much.

I love that maggie is looking completely innocent and bored as she reaps the benefits of Mick's "rearranging" of the bed clothes. So like a woman.

ho hum.

when life gives you lemons....Throw 'em out and GO SHOPPING!

every so often, I can see the glass as half full. Ha ha...not really, but it sounded good!

I shuffled around ALL day yesterday in my Target furry slippers and Pj's ala a patient moping around with their IV bag on wheels. (and by Pj's I mean the yoga pants I wore all day the day before but fell asleep in and woke up late so didn't change them) My Norwegian "friend" said 'you are SUCH a baby. You feel SO sorry for yourself for such a little injury"

Uh, LITTLE?? I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! you ICY NORDIC BITCH! Geez, those icelandic girls have been hardened by all those arctic winds. Also, they don't have starbucks in Norway, so it's no wonder they're cold and bitter. She's just Jealous cuz I'm American, and she's NOT! HA! HA! Let's see who gets a "little" injury when I put banana peels all over those stairs.

So anyway, this post will serve as a medical guide of sorts, for those who find themselves severely injured in the lip by cement stairs. Here are some holistic things I found to ease the pain...

I call this, YOU! WITH A FAT LIP....The Owner's Manual....

1. FIrst, lying around all day with this medicinal remedy....


ALL of season 1, back to back, lessens the pain.

2. Ancient Chinese Secret Remedy, LIKE acupuncture. only better. And no needles...ick!



....Extra whip, with chopped up chocolate chips. Okay, maybe not chinese, maybe seattle-ese. Helps numb the pain. Goodbye Ice packs!

3. Trip to VInce.com...since you can't actualy go OUT in public.



Keeps you from getting hypothermia. And seriously, SO CUTE! And I am SURE, cruelty free! May SEEM expensive, but WAY cheaper than ambulance trip to the emergency room.

4. like ointment on an open wound, you need some supplements, like THIS and THIS and THIS.

Take one a day, pull the softness over your head, and feel the pain melt away. You may get addicted, BUT they won't put you in rehab. WAY better than Vicodin!!

5. And last but not least, you NEED to get some rest!



***these methods have NOT been proven effective by the FDA
***but should be

I've fallen and I can't get up!

I think I've reached the age where I'm gonna have to get one of those emergency necklaces you wear around your neck, for when you've fallen out of your wheelchair or walker, mostly sold to those who are long time members of the lawn bowling club and AARP and live in complexes called "silver Hill" and "pine meadows adult day care"

Anyway, long story VERY short. I tripped on NOTHING and slammed my face into the stairs. NOT carpeted stairs. CEMENT stairs. SO I have a HUGE fat bloody scrapey lip. I look like I got BAD collagen injections. And living in LA and all, NO ONE will believe me when I say I fell and hit the stairs.

I LOVE MONDAYS! At least I could cancel my class tonight. AS IF I'm gonna go to yoga looking like this! And no, I will not post a picture. I will only post pictures when I;m SUPER skinny and my hair is blown dry straight from the salon. So basically don't hold your breath.

I can't even have a salted caramel mocha at starbucks :( It's best not to try to make contact with me today, I'm injured and no coffee. A wounded mountain Lion would be less likely to tell you off.

I had a good post for today but now i can't remember. It was actually something about me being happy and fall, and caramel mochas. It woulda been weird, me posting happy thoughts anyway. So, nothing lost, really.

K have a horrible miserable day like me GREAT DAY!!!

this is a cruelty free blog. Wait, no, It's actually pretty cruel.

Maggie Gyllenhall was on the View yeasterday and she was talking, in a VERY pious voice reserved for religious LEADERS ONLY, about a fashion show for designers, who, get this, design environmentally friendly clothes! We've visited this topic before....environmental clothes=UGLY. And uglier. But aside from that? WHAT?!?!? Isn't, like, cotton already environmentally friendly enough for you there Maggie?

They proceeded to show a bunch of ugly nasty dresses that will NEVER make the shelves of Forever 21 (where I awlays shop, of course) (there is NOTHING better than seeing someone approaching 40 at the forever 21 store) And the View women, who will NEVER be caught dead in those frocks, were all like, "oh." and "well, what is the material?" and Maggie was all "THIS dress is made of TOFU!!"

Coco Chanel just rolled over in her grave. (she's dead right? no?...well whatever. details details)

But the best was when Maggie took off her jacket and showed HER dress (which she will never wear again...let's see this crusade at the oscars MAGGIE) and when Whoopie said "well, that just looks like silk" and Then, and this was where I went in the kitchen and stuck my head in the toaster oven, Maggie goes "YAH! it IS silk! But it's CRUELTY FREE SILK"

I'm sorry? Beg Pardon? So, what. the little worms got to live in a deluxe fully equipped penthouse loft in New york city ala America's next top model? And were they fed little worm caviar and sushi on little worm platters? And when they got tired of making silk, were they paid overtime?

I mean THAT silk is WAY different from regular silk, where the worms never see daylight, and are left to work and die in cramped worm cages. Where the worms are WAY underage to be making so much silk, and where they work like, 18 hour days. Gosh, I am SO.GLAD. there is FINALLY cruelty free silk! We have been SUCH an irresponsible greedy nation...but, THANK YOU JESUS, JOSEPH and MARY....we are about to atone.

friday morning fantasies...

Hmmm, It's friday. I have THE WHOLE day ahead of me. i don't have to teach a class until 5:30..what to do. what to do. As I lie in bed right now, half heartedly watching Regis and kelly (Ruseel Crowe is on....WHAT?! has happened to HIM?! He has a scraggly white/grey beard and a LONG hippie-esque ponytail and his hair is parted right down the middle. Gladiator indeed) I am fantasizing about what my day COULD be if I weren't so lazy. Here's what I would do If I ever got out of bed...

I would put on a tie die tee shirt that says "feeding by bare breast is BEST!" (if I had one) and birkenstocks (ditto THAT) and I would have mini jingle bells on my cankles and hemp braids (nay, pig tails!) and a couple buttons that say "I'm here, I'm queer...GET USED TO IT" and "pro choice has a voice!" and then I would douse myself in nasty patchouli oil, and I would go volunteer for the morning at the McCain campaign headquarters.

THEN I would come home and change, giggling in my car the WHOLE way while listening to the new gwen stefani, and go home and change INTO my McCain Campaign '08! white tee, real fur shorts, and snakeskin manolo blahniks, and go shopping at whole foods but stand at the entrance, smoking a cigarette before I go in. And FIrst thing, I'd ask "WHAT AISLE IS BABY FORMULA IN?"

ahhhh. But we all know I'll never do it. Could you imagine what this world could be, the possibilities if people would just GET UP and go after their dreams?! Yah, I can't imagine it either.

BUT I still might try to find that McCain tee...just to wear while I teach. But if I did, I'd wear it like ALL.THE.TIME. Except to my mom's house. She would die of excitement. I would be let back into the fold. The fold where Baby Jesus, and Lexuses and Republicans reside.

Well, I better get back to my work. My friend gave me season one of gossip girl last night, and I am only on book 2 in the "twilight" series. I have A LOT of work to do.

Forget the british shoes, here's some real news...

Hate to toot my own horn, but BEEP BEEP! Drew Barrymore was in my class again. I love when she comes because I get to act all cool and smug, and walk around like, "that's right, it's drew barrymore, no big. She's ALWAYS here. Because, well, I am CLEARLY THE BEST in town."

And I walk out of class with an air of aristocracy, turn my nose up at the plebians who ARE NOT DREW, like I just tolerate having them in class, like they should be grateful because do they know WHO I AM?

Those Crafty Brits

OHMYGOD! I so totally am ordering THESE Mostly for the wording on their homepage..."bonding with your couch...favorite pastime is lazinesss" I think I'm related to these people.

PLUS they're from the UK. Anything from the UK is cool. Cuz then when people are all "hey! where'd you get those shoes?" and they say it with a snide little smile, like they're making a compliment, but really they think they're SO ugly and they're being funny. BUT THEN you're like "I got them in THE UK. And voila! They've just been SHUT DOWN.

For all I know, these shoes are sold at the UK version of All-A-Dollar. (except, it'd be ALL-A-Pound) (or something) (actually they would want it to rhyme too, so maybe it'd be "Around-A-Pound")( And they're smarter than us, so their title wouldn't bind them to that exact price either)

Hey, I wonder if the economy will make the all-a-dollar inventory go down? Like, they'll just have single pack smarties and old Smurfette pocket mirrors. Or will it go UP because all the stores will go broke and maybe you could score a Gap tee at the all-a-dollar! We'll just have to keep checking.

Tar-shay

I left early for pasadena today because I had something VERY IMPORTANT to get at target. And then on the way driving there I also remembered I wanted to buy some headbands. Now that my hair is short... too short actually because now I can't put it in a pony tail without the sides falling all down and me looking like a house frau with a drinking problem and 4 cats.

SO, got to target, and got my basket and went trolling around, mesmerized as always by pretty bags of candy, halloween candy! nonetheless, and clearance items like old beef jerky and expired spaghetti sauces. And I mean, they get you right as you walk in with the dollar bins filled with hello kitty pens and all kinds of cute sparkly crap that people of generation X, latch key divorced children of alcoholics, were deprived of as kids. They have our age group PEGGED.

Now you see where this story is going. I got the headbands, which totally don't work by the way. they even say "33% stronger grip!!" I don't know what they were before they got 33% stronger, but they slid off my hair like buttah. Well, $88 and a few pkgs of new gum, three books, a bag of halloween pumpkin candy corns and a new flavor of toothpaste later, I left withOUT the one really important thing I left early for in the first place. what was it? we may never know. Well, I will never know until I go to GET the thing I need from my cupboard and when it's not there I'll be all "THAT's WHAT I NEED AT TARGET!! I BETTER GET IT TODAY"

sigh. And then the cycle starts all over again.

I think that, of ALL the companies worried about the financial crisis, Target is so totally not one of them.

Girl on bike

Now, be sure you turn the volume up so you can hear her hit the pavement.

Kids say the darndest things part two

My 7 yr old neice....

"auntie Kristi....you have white hairs growing out of your head!"

'nuf said

kids say the darndest things!

My friends house, last night.

CHARACTERS PRESENT: : My friend, we'll call her Fraula, and her husband, phill, and her sister, carmin, and me. And Phill's mom and dad.

PHILL'S MOM (midstory)...and then there I was, on the toilet, minding my own business and here comes CRAWLING TOWARD me a SPIDER! And I lifted my feet and didn't know WHAT to do and it was stll crawlin' towards me closer to the toilet and I jumped off that toilet so fast I dont' even think I wiped....

PHILL: GEEZ MOM! That was just a little spider, ad you're like TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS!

FRAULA, CARMIN, and I waited a beat, testing the reactions, and proceeded to laugh so hard we were crying, and I was literally about to pee my pants, had to excuse myself to the bathroom.

Phil's mom pretended not to hear that, or didn't care.

But I'm going to bet that she went home quietly with her husband, excused herself to her bedroom, where she gently pulled her special jewelry box out from under her bed, Her special box that held all her children's baby pictures, her grandmothers wedding ring, children's birth certificates, and homemade birthday cards, written by loving adoring kindergarten hands, edges brown with age. And other such valuables, among them her last will and testament. She carefully unfolded it, and with a slight l smile to her lips, pulled out a ball point pen and scratched out Phil's name slowly at first, and then so fast and hard that it ripped right through the page. She kept going and going until the ball point of the pen was pushed so deep back that it no longer worked. She then gently folded it up, put it back in the box, and started laughing maniacally, almost drunk with power.

That's what I think happened. And when I am old with children, I will make them read this particular blog entry. just as a reminder.

One more product placement...

I'm sorry, but this was just too cool to pass up! First Pillsbury toaster strudels, and now this!



These? are toaster pockets, aka! Toastabags and they are here to save the day!

The genius invention allows you to make a deliciously toasty sandwich in three minutes sans butter, mess, or cleanup. Throw some Havarti and ham on whole wheat, slip the sandy in the bag, and put it in the toaster. PLUS you can even throw some eggs and veggies in for an OMELET! Basically, you can put ANYTHING in here and toaster it! wooooo!

PLUS Each one can be reused up to 300 times.

WOnder if you can do cookie dough? This is going to change the face of cooking (in my house) as we know it!

I

monday musings....

hey! How cool is this?! And to think I'm working all hard over here in CA when I could have invented this!



Also? I invented THIS WAYYYY long ago, but just didn't have the mechanics to get it together. This kind of thing at least makes camping ONE step closer to being possible. I mean, you know, as soon as the ritz carlton makes tents and electric hiking carts that is.



Now, all they have to do is combine these two products and you're set for life basically. Iced lattes at your fingertips!

I could have invented A LOT of things. But here are some things that aren't invented yet (I don't think) but I should invent them but won't and then in a couple of years some chick will be on oprah for inventing the VERY things I have mentioned here!

A teddy bear that's like an electric blanket. But like, you microwave it, and there's something in it that warms up, and stays warm for like 8 hrs. And then little kids can have a warm teddy all night. And I supposed if you're a lonely old guy you could have a warm 'lady' with you all night, but that's an entirely different product, really. Maybe this is already invented, but even if it is, I thought of it WAY long ago.

An application for your iphone that translates any language spoken near you. So say you're getting you nails done, you'd TOTALLY know what they're saying about you.

A mini espresso pod machine that's built into your car dashboard. Actually, what Apple needs to do is have an "icar"
here are the specs for the icar...

-comes equipped with built in ipod/itunes system, where if you want to record or hear a song you just shout it out, and it plays the song and downloads it all at once. And 'auto'matically (get it? HA!) charges your account.

-cross promoted with starbucks to have a mini espresso pod where you just press a button and espresso comes into a little icup. ePods AND ipods are available at starbucks, which you can order FROM your car and have ready for pickup.

- the 'key' to your icar is your iphone...AND a credit card. so you don't have to carry anything else around with you. You just call your car and it unlocks, starts your espresso AND turns the engine on.

- there is no more "gps' system...it is now ips...you just call out the address and your car knows where to go. you are still in control and all, but if you're supposed to turn left, say, then your blinker goes on when you need to turn left! Also your icar is programmed to know all the nearest starbucks and will just drive there on command. Also, you can locate your car from your iphone, in case you forget where you parked and/or someone borrowed your icar to 'go tot the grocery store' and then you can see where they REALLY are.

-has built in mini trash compactor

-iphone stores drivers license insurance and registration on command. No more digging in the glove box. Glove box replaced with icrowave...a mini bake oven/microwave combo.

That's all i can think of for now. I'm sure I'll be obsessing and adding all day long.
there are other inventions that I have, but now I'm too tired to remember them. Good thing Benjamin Franklin didn't have my lazy gene pool, eh?

CONVERSATIONS with a black moving guy on a saturday morning.....

ME: (entering tiny elevator) So, is this the last piece of furniture?

HIM:(also in tiny elevator, corn rolls & pony tail, giant baggy jeans with airbrush black man face across the right pant) Not yet. But I surprised you didn't I? I surprised YOU with how FAST I am. You didn't think. I know. I was watchin' you. How long you been in LA?

ME: About 3 yrs.

HIM: WHere you befo' that?

ME: New York

HIM: AHhhhh. I knew there was a reason I had an eye fo' you.

ME: (uh oh) Ohhhh. Ha. yah.

HIM: (looks me up and down) mmmm. You are built like SUM'thin else. You just been workin' out?

ME: (GAWWDDDD! WHY?) noooo. I just teach yoga. That's why I'm in yoga clothes.

HIM: YOGA! AH. I been meanin' to try that stuff. You give them PRI-vate lessons??? CUz I need some PRI-vate lessons.

ME: OH no. nononono...., I just teach at a gym.

HIM: What else you do?

ME: (goddamn slow elevator!) ohhhh. NOTHING. I do nothing.

HIM: ME EITHER! That's what I'm tellin' you. That's why we need to CO-lla-BO-rate.

ME: ohhh, yah. ha. ummm....hey! here we are! Oh and there are my friends....JEN! JEN! The movers are ready for the couch!!

In honor of my Norwegian Best friend...

These are two amazing clips on Norwegian Lifestyle. AND for those of you Michael Moore naysayers, Inga is sitting here right next to me on the couch saying "it's all true." Isn't it CRAZY??? On the second video below, pay attention to how the woman says that when breast feeding they "don't whip out their boobs or anything" Whole Foods Women...take a lesson!

Best place to be a mom - Norway

life is just an ordinary, extraordinary day...

This morning I was doing my usual thing, you know, getting up and all, and I poked my contacts in and reached for the remote to flip on the TV and I was barely awake when I saw an announcer reading a list of names. And I was all "what's that?" and then I realized. It's 9/11. How could I forget? how do we get SO busy like that?

And for SOME reason, as they were reading the names I was riveted. I listened to every.single.name. because all of a sudden it seemed so personal. Like they weren't just NAMES. They were people. I know this seems obvious, and I am having a 7 yr delayed response here, but here it is nonetheless. Among all the STUPID news coverage lately (and if I'm saying it's stupid, then it's bad) here is this tribute to remind us what's important.

And that's the whole thing. How valuable everyone is. Even the hippies. How we obsess about our differences and prey on each other's soft spots. How we constantly judge each other, ya know? How we get SO busy that we forget how good we have it. how one last smile from a stranger may be your last smile, so notice it. And maybe if we just start small, like remembering the impact we have on each other and just once reminding yourself to connect with a stranger. just once is a good start. to remember that your face could be the last they see...so make it a good one.

Nothing earth shattering here. I'm not saying drop everything and smell the roses. I'm not saying to hug the ones you love, cuz that's easy, hugging the ones you LOVE. I'm just saying that as they read those names all I could think was that if I had lost someone in 9/11, that if that someone was on their way to the twin towers and this was their last moment, I would have hoped that someone on their way to work would have smiled, or done something like hold the door for them, or let them go first. Maybe its those smallest gestures, not the big ones that keep us connected.

And in a time like now, when opinions and "rightness" have run amok, we can just remember to stay small and kind. To not ONLY offer up our best parts to strangers, but to receive the best parts of others we are offered every single day, but just don't notice or even see as valuable.

I know. I know, This kind of stuff from me is usually buried in a hermetically sealed cryogenic bunker under Popeye's chicken. But there you go. I'll be back at it tomorrow. Maybe I'll give a hippie a break on my next Whole Foods trip, which will be soon because I ate all my, erm, vitamins.

Perils of a yoga teacher, Book 6, Chapter 1:You reap what you sow...

I JUST got home from teaching a class tonight. There MUST be something in the yogic air, because I am NOT EVEN KIDDING when I tell you that after class I went into the bathroom to, well, to pee, and I ran into a woman who just took class, TOTALLY NAKED with HUGE fake boobs....no towel or anything. She had, apparently, just whipped off her clothes after class, and pranced around the locker room.

I tried to book it with my head down to the stalls, but OF COURSE she stops midway to the sink and TALKS TO ME. shitshitshitshit.

"OH MY GAAWWWDDDD...that was THE hardest class!' she's just standing there, her fake boobs floating on her chest, they are SO HIGH UP that I couldn't even NOT see them as I tried to FREEZE my eyes on hers.

"WHEN ELSE DO YOU TEACH?!?" I felt like an 8th grade boy at his first nudie bar. I didn't know what to say or where to look. I think her left nipple actually poked me in the eye.

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A CLASS LIKE THAT! IT WAS FUN. I MEAN I'VE DONE YOGA AT A STUDIO WHERE......." My mind was a complete blank. WHO? is this woman!! My heart was thumping out of my chest. I think it was scared of the giant boobs across the way, like they were big threatening bullies who were all "WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU AND WE WILL CUT YOU"

This is my payback, I was thinking, for all my bitching about the hippies and the beatniks and using the word 'retarded' WAY too many times. This was the dalai lama smacking me around. So naturally I begged to my REGULAR god. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE baby jesus....MAKE her go away!!! Remember when I was in the Bell Choir? When I went to Bible Camp ? When I played wise man #3 in the Nativity scene? Even though I accidentally on purpose pulled Molly Burns' hair because she got to be Mary...

FInally I heard the words... "WELL THANKS! I'LL BE THERE EVERY WEEK.

I feel like a fugitive at my own Job. I avoid all the students as it is. I get there only minutes before class, and I bolt before everyone else, unless a velvet clad tree hugger blocks my way (they're good at that) (SORRY GOD!) I don't even feel safe in my own home. I've been scarred. When the chinese delivery came just now I was seriously expecting to open the door and he'd be all "you wanna nookie nookie in your fortune cookie" while wearing nothing but a samurai sword and a take-out menu.

I'm exhausted. I suppose this would be what SOME people call Karma. But then I don't believe in Karma, cuz then, can you imagine what would happen to meter maids??

Things that MAKE MY DAY!!

A woman came up to me in line at whole foods ( I ONLY go there for cheese puffs vitamins. And she was of some foreign country, sweden maybe? Total tourist. And she had some fruit rolls in her hand and she came up to me (I musta looked safest from the hemp dreadlocked mom's who were whipping out there boobs to breast feed) and she was like "where are ze cigarettes?" and I practically dropped my VITAMINS on the floor. The moms practically spit farm harvested soy milk on her and turned their patchouli organic cotton diapered baby's away ( i am not even kidding) And I was like " I don't THINK they have cigarettes here. They MIGHT, but I doubt it." And she looked at me puzzled. "non?" and incredulous. I was like "i know. i know. (as IF I ever smoked, but I knew our entire conversation was bugging EVERYONE in line so I hammed it up) they SHOULD have cigarettes here, but they don't. it's WEIRD.(shrug shoulders) But I know you can GET CIGARETTES next door at CVS." I don't even know if she understood me. But the organic mommies sure did. I also just kept repeating the word CIGARETTE loudly as many times as I could fit in a sentence. ahhh. You just don't get opportunities like that every day.

brand new soft white tee shirts

brand new soft white socks

people who trip right in front of you, but they don't totally fall and they try to recover, but they end up wobbling all over, then do a small jog, and then they try to be cool about it.

Brand new shoe smell right when you open the box. The more expensive the shoe, the better the smell. The more expensive the shoe when you just spent your gas bill on them, the WAY more intoxicating the smell. aahhhhh.

when there's not one but TWO of your favorite show on, new episodes, back to back.

when the starbucks guy DOESN'T charge you for vanilla syrup.

So far, so good. But I do have to drive to the airport today. Maybe I'll win a free trip to paris! or or maybe Someone will try to cut me off and run into the divide!

perils of a yoga teacher, book 5, chapter 6

I had my old client today, he's like i dunno, 72 or something, and I went to adjust him in this hip opener pose, and he was wearing these slick pants and my hand fully slipped and....well....you can tell where this is going. And it isn't good. I about died, said "ohmygodSORRY" and he was like "no, eees okay" (he's french....they're progressive like that) and for him, that was that. Me? i was mortified. I turned bright red. I couldn't focus. I was terrified to do the other side and NOT adjust him, and yet what if I hit his ding-a-ling again? I mean this is a guy is MY FATHER'S AGE. I am feeling pukey even talking about it.

I mean I have had two instances like this before. Once I was putting my foot right on a guy's hip and my foot slipped and I stepped on IT. But that was more of an ordeal for him than me. And another time I went to grab a guy's leg and he tipped over and I tried to catch him, and oh, I caught him alright. That was embarrassing, but he was gay and we both laughed. Don't get me wrong it was a nervous laugh for me. THAT! is never a comfortable situation.

I swear, why can't I just have a nice climate controlled office job? where the only danger is a paper cut.

la dolce vita....

Maggie is turned upside down on my bed snoring.

I'm watching Tyra banks on the Fox Morning News.
(I capitalized that to give FOx News the prestige and credibility that they so truly deserve)

I just ate a breakfast of Barbara's Cheese Puff Bakes (ditto the cap's on those, and if you have never eaten them DON'T START because then you will not only eat them as your entire dinner, but the next morning you'll be excited to GET UP so you can eat them for breakfast)( And Make sure to get the regular ones AND the white cheddar)(and they're from WHOLE FOODS so they're TOTALLY HEALTHY)

And I don't have to work until 6:30...PM

ahhhh...THIS! is the life. This is what my little girl dreams were made of. I mean, in my dreams I was also married to Shaun Cassidy (I needed to link to this pic because if you google 'sean cassidy' all that shows up are hundreds of pics of a Gay Porn Star, and I was all 'OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!??!?!) (not that there's ANYthing wron with gay porn stars. we all have our thing.)

(ummm, Fox News just did a story on a woman who was found dead in her house, and they were all 'we can't release her name because her family members haven't been reached yet' and then they did a full span of the front of her house and then the reported stood RIGHT in front of her house, with her car parked out front. Geez, glad they're not protecting my credit info.)

I won't mention that earlier this morning Mick ran into the house muddy...and excited...and jumped INTO my bed. My unmade bed so he hit every layer of bed sheet/comforter/top blanket/pillow cases. So you know, God Blessed me with Tyra and cheese puffs to make up for Mick and....just Mick. That's enough strife for one person.

Well, that's my Monday. How's yours goin'?

Freddy Lexus will be signing autographs at your local barnes & noble

1. ROCKSTAR NAME : (first pet, current car)
freddy lexus! (hey...that's a good one!)
2. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite shoe)
Jamoca Oreo UGG! (an' don' you fuh-get it!)
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first 3 letters of last name)
Kkam (K-kam and the jammy jam!)
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
That's MS. Periwinkle blue dog at your service!
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Diane Pasadena
6. STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first)
kamka
7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's THE PINK FRAPPUCINO!
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Edward Grampy (I cant remember my grampy's first name!)
9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mom & dad's middle names)
Louise Lawrence (oh God, i am NEVER testifying against a mobster)
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your 6th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Knox Knoxville (ha!) (knoxville's a city right? in the south somewhere? right?)
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
halloween daisy (i might just legally change to this one)
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie")
Mango Pajamie (I guess I would be a "japanimantion" star)
13. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
chinese leftovers maple tree, duuuude.
14. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + your favorite hobby/craft, favorite weather element + "Tour")
The Making Fun of People Snow Tour! **SOLD OUT** (edgy, no?)
15. CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: (half of your name, half of your significant other's name, mixed together in whichever order sounds best)
TBA
16. STRIPPER NAME (current pet+street you grew up on)
Magnolia Monterey
and if we were at chippendales....Mick Cozad