Sunday, May 11, 2008

I *heart* yoga

This total high maintenance hippie yoga idiot came into my class this morning. I just KNEW she'd be trouble. ( Ummm, a quilted crushed velvet floor length skirt? No.) The more "hippie'd" out and "yoga" looking they are, the worse it's gonna be. Plus, from the front of the room, I could SMELL her patchouli oil and sage smoke. Also, come ON...if you're gonna sport the whole "i'm a hippie" thing you can't, you just CAN'T belong to a gym that costs $175 per month.

So she lays down her hemp woven yoga mat and sets her ankle bracelet-ed and toe-ringed feet onto her mat, and begins to meditate. That was her FIRST faux-pas. we do NOT MEDITATE in my class. pfft! who does she think I am? The Dalai Lama?

Then we start class and we begin with Plank pose, which is basically a push-up position, and she immediately comes out of it and just sits there. I figure she has some shoulder injury or an old acid flashback. I walk over to her and just say "do you have an injury?" and she gets all doe-eyed and says "um, well, yes. sort of. I have this knee injury,kind of, but it's PERSONAL."

Uh, What?

Now, if you have scabies, or a hammer toe, a mental disorder, a lazy eye, or... or... a missing testicle, I DO NOT expect you divulge that information because THAT is personal. But leave it to hippie skirt to be all dramatic and mysterious about HER KNEE INJURY. Her KNEE INJURY while she was in PLANK pose, a pose that does not use the knees.

I let her be. plus I couldn't smell her anymore. I was getting dizzy and high off her fumes. She then proceeded to do every other pose that involved knees, even the super hard stuff. hmpphh. Knee Injury my ass. Then whenever she would do a pose, she forgot she was in a corporate owned yoga class, and in a true 'shroom style flashback, thought she was at the improv on interperative dance night.

My regular students started inching their mats away. I've trained them well. (mine is a style of love and acceptance, IF you don't smell and act weird)

Then after class she hovers over me and I can tell she wants to talk. I dread these moments as a teacher. I don't want to TALK to anyone after class. I want to just get my ipod/phone, check my email, and be outta there as fast as possible. (unless you're hot) (or, drew Barrymore)

HER: HI! I was just wondering, my low back has been hurting me a lot, and you said if your low back hurts not to bend forward a lot. Soooooo. you know. is that true?

ME: (curt) uh huh.

HER: yahhhhh, I mean the weird thing IS that I HAVE been bending forward to stretch my back and it's been getting so.much.worse!

ME: (patience. practice patience here. If I don't answer her concisely she will never leave) Well, yah, I'm not a doctor and I have no idea why your back is hurting, but generally speaking for low back pain, bending forward is not the best. (smile, dismissive nod)

HER: WOW! I would have never realized that because my back has been hurting so I guess it was the forward bending! Wow.


soooo. Wow.

ME: yah, so just maybe lay off the double final clearance section at Anthropologie forward bending and see if it helps! (cheerful, hopeful, yet dismissive)

HER: soooo wow! okay! then, so what SHOULD I DO? like, if I'm not bending forward, (as she says this, she demonstrates the forward bend) then what stretches should I do?

ME: (how do I get RID of her?) Umm, you know, some easy back bending would help, like bridge pose.

HER: sooooo WOW! I could just go back! (she giggles, don't know why and then she demonstrates a backbend) like just lean back like this?! (then she contorts herself into something that may break her actual spine)

ME: umm, sure yah, whatever makes it feel better! (one foot out the door...almost there...)

HER: COOL! wow! (still contorting herself backwards) so If I just do less forward bending, (bends forward again) then it should be better! Thanks...I'll try that and see...

ME: (I cut her off) You're WELCOME! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! Oh, and take care of that hallucinogenic drug problem knee injury!


carin davis said...

thanks for the laughs, smiles....and the new longing to visit your yoga class!!!!

dede said...

i am so glad you teach yoga - it totally keeps me entertained - i can't quit laughing!!!