a whole gleek of posts all in one.

I don't even know where to begin.

First let's start with my new teenage slave...who is less slave and more money suck machine. MAN! are teens expensive!!! I threw her a Welcome to LA brunch sunday. I let her have a mimosa. A. Single. And I don't drink. And everyone else had coffee, etc.

There was like a 3/4 bottle of champagne left.

I wake up this morning, go to teach, come back (10am) and the bottle is empty on the sink. I just figure she dumped it out.

no.

she drank it.

at 9 am.

In the morning.

ALL OF IT. BY HERSELF.

I made it clear that even hard core alcoholics don't even drink bottles of champagne at 9am!!

Oh well. Alanon here I come!

BUT THE REAL NEWS?!?!?

THE REAL REAL NEWS?!!?





This show was SOLD OUT. And because I am the luckiest person in the world a fellow blogger called me up and invited me to go! And this blogger approved of me being invited too. I think they took huge amounts of pity on me and my gay first date. And I mean, rightly so! I deserved a night of showtunes of PURE ROCK CONCERT!

I would go into detail about the awesomeness and all. And how I may or may not have swooned when this guy sang directly to ME. (I mean SWEET JESUS!)

But then I would sound like I was bragging. DId I mention it was sold out? NATIONWIDE? But that I WENT?

If you don't watch hot teen guys Glee....DO.

I'm finally a Mormon Mommy Blogger! Well, not really Mormon. And not really mommy. But close enough!

My mormon friends, well and even my non-mormon friend ALWAYS accuse me of being a Mormon poser wanna-be. Why? Because I live for Friday night game night, Jello molds, Wal-Mart, and anything with marshmallows. Also I want tons of kids. It's just that whole no-coffee thingie is a deal breaker. Oh, and that no-gay-marriage thingie. I heart my homos and double iced mochas.

As for the mommy part? I just inherited a 19 yr old. it's been less that 48 hours and I have heard myself say things that I thought I WOULD NEVER SAY. Like...

1/ "I can't believe what you kids are listening to these days!"

Seriously cringe worthy. I would repeat here. But I can't even type some of those words. Lets just say that would make my grandma, who is already dead, fall over dead AGAIN.

2/"Ugh! Turn that God-awful music DOWN. Better yet, OFF!"

3/" When YOU drive you can listen to whatever you want, but when I DRIVE, we listen to what I WANT. (to which she ignored me and shoved in her dirty rap CD anyway)

Clearly, I am but a shotgun away from sitting on my porch shaking my fist in the air screaming "you crazy kids get off my lawn before I MAKE you!!"


And here I thought I was all young and hip. She ALSO made fun of my Zac Efron shoulder bag. I may un-adopt her soon.

But you just KNOW I love playing bossy mom. I TOLD YOU awhile ago I needed some kids to do chores for me. So I got one. But so far I am doing DOUBLE chores. huh. Guess that theory was shot down to hell. I mean outer darkness. Gotta keep up that Mormon front.

A brush with the grim reaper, in the Keebler aisle.

I had a near death experience....at TARGET!

A woman ran around with a butcher knife and a carving knife and randomly stabbed people!!

I guess she was as upset as I was that they were out of Liberty of London large tumblers too. I totally get it. I couldn't help but wonder if she grabbed the knives at Target or brought her own. Then I thought OH MAN! I hope this doesn't mean Target and all other stores will start storing knives behind the counter along with all the cough syrups and allergy meds. SO ANNOYING! Why does one person have to ruin it for the rest of us?!?!

WELL. I was ON MY WAY to that very target on monday. AND I was delayed because I was being lazy. Then it was all crowded and cops were everywhere so I just went to another target figuring they were filming a cop show or sumthin'.

I COULD HAVE BEEN STABBED!!! Whew! Laziness saved my life!!

That's what happens when you live on the mean streets of West Hollywood! Angry lesbians run amok!

My first date. (seriously)

For those of you who are still on the fence whether or not people "choose" to be gay....



....will you JUST take a look at my very first ever date?? I think I was like 13. And TRAY (maybe guys do TURN gay when given a gay name) was like 15. My only concern for that evening was that I was too young for him. Which MUST be why I chose to dress like a church librarian. So he'd think I was "older."

My dad kept alluding to the fact he was gay...to which I screamed "JUST BECAUSE HE'S AN ACTOR DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GAY!!!!!!!"

He never called again. I was crushed. If only someone could have told me that was the first of MANY a night out as a fag hag.

I have been SWAMPED with home renovations. And when I say "renovations", I don't mean like how you all rip out your kitchens and tile your own bathrooms and such. I mean paying my housekeeper's hubby to paint my walls AND totally organizing every single cupboard and shelf in my ENTIRE place. And get this....EVEN THE GARAGE!!

Every single bill now has a file folder.

Every drawer is no longer scary.

The light bulbs have a home.

The Glad containers all have COORDINATING LIDS!

I only have two more rooms that need paint but I can't decide on the color yet. Are you riveted? I think I could work this whole post into a novella.

Get ready. It's a long one...

Living room. The yellow is NOT this crazy neon. I hope.



DIning area




Entryway.


MY NEW OFFICE!! This is now my favorite room in my house.






You don't even KNOW how scary this closet was. The housekeeper used to duck in order to get to the vacuum.


My Bedroom. I promise this is the first day THIS YEAR my bed has been made. So don't think I'm all that fancy.



WOuld you check out the mad or-GAN-I-zational skillz!!




Guest bedroom. Cat from Pottery Barn


Ahhhh. A peaceful laundry room!


Mick was exhausted with it all.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe/sandal combo.

They're Baaaaa-aaaaaack! With a vengeance!

The ever popular BANDAL! We thought they went away last season?? OHS NOS!



For the, uh, cowgirl? in us all.


oooh. For the fancy nights out.


The MOC Marten!


uhhhhh.


Time to tighten those boot strap...er, ankle straps!


Wearing these with socks is ALMOST as pretty as wearing Birkenstocks and socks. ALMOST.


You'd THINK they'd be as cheap as they look? yah. Not so much.

I don't think I've ever, ever, EVER been so UNtempted to buy shoes in my entire life.



And they don't call them "bandals" (my original term!) They call them "hybrids."

Oh, and hey, you biker bitches out there? Don't worry! We have some for YOU TOO!



I simply canNOT wait for UGGS to jump on the bandal wagon!!

It's Tuesday. yep. Tuesday.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Gross. People who vajazzle should have their vaginas taken away, They can have them back when they are ready."
-gabe delahay

I have been on a mad organizational tour. Remember when you were young and you had some stupid school project due, and then you procrastinated and then your mom was all "you know, it will be worse in real life!" and you rolled your eyes and were all "WHAT. EVER. HEATHER." That's what I was thinking about all weekend as I was covered with dust from digging stuff out from under my office desk. (and when I say "office" i mean making a super cute desk with all kinds of matching adorable officey decor and I get to walk by it and be all "OH! soooo cute!!" And that's the extent of my "office." I mean, sometimes I sit in my really cute "office" chair and look for a stamp or something, or stare at my pretty sharpie collection. But other than that it just looks DAMN good!

But so I spent all weekend organizing. And the ONLY reason I did that was to put to use all of the Liberty muck I bought at target that I justified by saying to myself "I will totally organize my office (and maybe even do my taxes on time!) if I buy all this cute officey looking stuff...ooh! A floral piggy bank! Perfect bookends!"

I'm gonna post pics very soon. So I am SURE you will be checking back every hour on the hour for THAT excitement.

Mid Life Crisis?

Who, Moi?




So. I'm Blonde again. And even though my stylist INSISTS on giving me "The Rachel" cut of 1994, I am in LOVE with my new goldi-locks.

I mean, at least until I have to wash it and the clock strikes midnight and it turns into this



Which it will. But for now, I LOVE being able to wear pastels again. And.. and.. frosted lipstick. And everything else age inappropriate. I think I'll go to the mall later and see what's new at Wet Seal.

I'll be sending a pic of my red convertible next week.

It's like a post, only without all the word bits

I've been falling down the Target rabbit hole as of late. Is going to 4 targets in one day in search of PLASTIC CUPS a sign of mental illness?

No matter. I've also been obsessively playing 'words with friends' (aka scrabble) on iphone (didn't take too much for them to come up with THAT snappy name, huh?) I mean, I will totally stop soon. I'm SURE I will. (in case you're interested my handle is 'peeweerocks')(you know, I'll quit tomorrow.)(or maybe monday! yah. I'll stop Target and "scrabble" on monday!) (thats PEEWEEROCKS)

Now, you just make SURE to watch this. Even if you already have. Because it almost made me happier than my trunk full o' Liberty crap and coming up with the word 'hafted' for 48 points. Never heard a that word before, but I hafted to tell you about it.

(even if you're all "I'm not in the mood to watch this" Just DO. At the VERY least get to minute 1-1:20 and THEN if you are STILL not in the mood skip to 3:59. You're welcome. (peeweerocks @ words with friends)

Proverbial Easter Basket

I woke up this Easter morning, and missing the whole Easter Egg Hunt of Easters Yore (Yore! yes, I'm 80) I went around my house and "hunted" for all the new things I'm obsessed/in love with right now. SO, consider me the Easter Bunny and here is your "basket"

1. I love these three products so much that when I shave my legs, I do one leg with the Pomegranate and the other with the Cucumber/Melon. I know. I'm a female nerd, and these are my D&D characters. That Razor is crazy smoothe (I forget the brand) and the shaving creams are like lotion and your legs are crazy soft after. I got them all at Target. of course.


2. This Liberty of London for Target candle (SOMEone had a target binge this week) (or two) Not only are they pretty but the best part...$10!!!! Seriously I haven't liked a candle under 30 bucks in forever! Which means buying 3 is totally acceptable!


3.HELLO KITTY KEY COVERS!!!!!!!!! Nothing more needs to be said.


4. Magazine holder thingies from Container Store. YAY CONTAINER STORE!


5. Also up from the Container Store, the PURSEKET!! Seriously, I don't know how I lived without this. I always have big purses and there are just never enough pockets. WELL, This bad boy carries everything so I don't have to root around for stuff anymore AND it rolls up to fit you bag!



6. My coffee Grinder and Nespresso Espresso Machine. The Grinder for function, the Nespress for HOW CUTE IS IT!!?!? These actually aren't new, but this morning I was like "I LOVE YOU"


7. This ADORABLE art work my really great blogger friend got me for Christmas. It makes me SO happy when I see it. I don't know the artist but I'm sure she will post in the comments. Just goes to show how blogging can be fun AND profitable! We only met in person like 2 yrs ago and how well does she know me!


8. I WAS totally over the whole Sigg craze. But then I saw this one with the bumble bees and I couldn't resist. Unfortunately I got it and the-store-who-shall-not-be-named. Oh well. Still love it!


9. Mick's rolling his eyes at me. He does it all the time. He's over life with me. And it cracks me up lately. He's for sale at the right price not for sale.


10. I forgot to take a pic of these, but LOVE them. More for the adorable packaging. But still. LOVE. This LOOKS like a regular sized package, but it's like MINI....fits in your hand. If dryer sheets can be adorable, well then, these are it.


So, HAPPY EASTER!!

That biological clock is ticking...and speaking of clocks, mine are pretty dusty....

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"Next up we have Erika Badhu Performing. How YOU Bah'doin"
-wendy williams

Yesterday my two good friends came over with their two husbands and 7 kids....and a random grandma in there. It was SO much fun. We've been friends since college, and by 'college' I mean the years one would be going to college. In theory. And I won't even lie here. It was so.much.work.

Which is when I TRULY realized my mistake of being a selfish shopper hermit work-a-holic (that term is subjective...but I've paid my dues!) all my life. I have no offsrping to ORDER AROUND!! I have no kids to fetch my shoes and bring mama a cocktail STAT. I sat there doing the math. Even if I did have a baby it would take YEARS for me to make him/her do the dishes and arrange my shoe closet!

I mean, I'm not delusional. kids are also a WRECK. They can take down a house before they even all get in the door. But the ONLY person who spilled their drink on the furniture was, uh, ME. So, that's not REALLY a downside.

I've come to the conclusion that I could foster kids!! AND AND AND....THEY PAY YOU!!!!! I did the math again. 2 spare bedrooms+4 bunkbeds =8 mini-merry-maids loving children I could give a home to!!! WHY have I not thought of this sooner?? I could have a kid-mill. I could teach them to dust better than Lucy-the-housekeeper who doesn't get to the bottom bookshelf. ever.

Oh! This fantasy is even better than the "what would I do with my winning lottery money" fantasy or my "what if I were trapped overnight in Nordstrom/See's Candy" fantasy.

one can only dream.

Wonder if my healer roommate can help me manifest this?

irriTATING Tuesday

There's nuthin' that spurs a posting like ANNOYING PEOPLE!

1.I just taught a class and there was this guy in the front row who kept rolling his eyes and scoffing at every single pose we did. Now, I KNOW it wasn't my mesmerizing charismatic self. After all, I am the BEST TEACHER IN the greater LA area (and NYC too, FYI)(just saying) Oh boy. Did I ever wanna give him a swift and violent kick in his down dog face!

namaste.

2. And yet ANOTHER Whole Foods infraction: They had a sale on this one brand of frozen foods. and they had sale stickers all over the freezer section of this one brand. So, being that I hate myself for shopping there anyway I ONLY let myself buy what's on sale. Hopefully they LOSE money on me. I go through the loooonnng line of hippie posers and my frozen discount food is rung up at FULL price. So I point this out and they call over the manager and he goes to check. Seriously? The WHOLE product line was on sale. How do they not know this? He waves me over to point out that the "pad thai with SHRIMP" is NOT on sale, but the pad thai with beef/chicken/tofu IS. I point out that the stickers are on every single product. And he looks at me dead serious and says....only THIS one is not on sale. DIE!

3.One of my renters STOPPED THE RECORDING OF REAL HOUSEWIVES while I was in Utah. I mean, if two shows are recording at the same time, you can't even watch anything else. But SO? I see an eviction in the near future. I need to write this as a clause in the lease. KILL

4. AMerican Idol is filmed 8 blocks away from me. On the main street I have to travel to and from work. I can't BEGIN to tell you the traffic cluster F that happens when I try to come home, because every tuesday in idol season, Idol filming gets out like 15 mins before I am on the road. ROAD RAGE!

5. I decided to be "responsible" and went to Nord to return the cutest shoes on earth that I bought a few weeks ago. But I have a lot of bills, and no savings per se, no "retirement plan" as it were (unless you consider inheriting a retirement plan)(which I do) so I FORCED myself to do it. tried to be all "grown up" about it. This IS a bad economy after all. IS there a more evil word than 'downsizing?' {shudder} .....

...BUT, the story turns good. You can stop praying for my sadness. Because as I returned them the sales girls were FREAKING out and fighting over them because they had sold out company wide (what can I say? I have IMPECCABLE taste!) and they all had customers DYING for them. So of course that made my hairs on the back of my neck rise. I panicked. I CAN'T RETURN MY PRECIOUS!!!!! But then I was all "walk away. Just walk away." So I did. I walked out those doors with my head held high, annnnnd then sprinted full speed walked right back in and re-bought them.

Nice tactic sales people!

I was hugging the box on my way out.

(retirement schmetirement. I may have to be put in a state run elderly facility when I'm old, where the orderlies constantly drop me on the floor and never change my bedpan. But at least I'll always have my shoes!)

So today turned out OKAY after all. however, I will in fact body slam the eye roller should he come back to class.

Road Trippin'

I got bored last weekend and LA was driving me insane AND I was craving donuts, so I decided to throw the dogs in the car and head to Utah.

The Drive was beautiful and pretty easy, save for the one psychotic mental episode I had, but we don't need to go into that same ole same ole. It's in my genes. I accept this as part of my genetic make-up as one would, say. bad eye-sight (wait, I have that too) or fat knees (hey! no fair) or pasty skin (DAMN! Seriously, Mexicans and Polish people really need to stay away from each other)

I love road trips because where else can you sing the entire Les Mis soundtrack by yourself all super loud pretending you're Eponine dying by the river? Yah, don't deny it. You know you do.

Utah's incredible right now. Made even more so by my friend who, upon my late night arrival, had an entire untouched sheet of Rice Krispy Treats waiting for me. 10 hr drive? SO WORTH IT!

Also my friend's kids worship the dogs so FREE DOGSITTING!

I'm never leaving.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Now THIS makes it okay to be an old granny.

There are just some days when your Life's Work is WORTH IT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"so I said to her, 'Oh, I will never say anything about you behind your back ever again.'.... You dumb drag queen"
-Bethenny Frankel, Real Housewives of NYC

Holy Mary Mother of God and all things holy....the HOTTEST.GUY.EVER. came to my class last night. Now, normally I don't notice hot guys in my class. (unless they're famous) Mostly cuz I teach in West Hollywood. The gay capital of gay capitals. So If you're crazy hot, and you come to my class, you're gay, unless proven straight.

This guy was HOT. And had tattoos on most of his one arm and back. Now, I am not even one for tattoos. I don't go for the bad boys ever. (sadly, I like my men clean cut, preppy, stylish, sensitive)..(gay) But I took the tattoos+hot body+well that's all we need, as a sign that he was possibly maybe almost sorta straight.

But again. I barely registered any of this. I work in a room of HOT sweaty bare-chested guys every day of the week. It all becomes a blur at some point. But AFTER class, when everyone comes up to me to worship me and tell me how I'm the best teacher EVER, I politely and humbly say "thank you....it's nuthin really...aw shucks...this old thing?..." I turn around and he is right in my face and in the hottest, STRAIGHTEST (I hope) voice he says "Wow. That was such a great class. I'll definitely be back. Thanks!" He was looking right into my eyes.

I was frozen. It was like out of a movie. My cocky self was GONE. I was all "oh, uh, oh, awesome (I said awesome. I wanted to slash out my tongue. Clearly I haven't been stunned like that since the eighties)

I left in a stupor chanting to myself "please God let him come back. Please God let him be straight. Please God let him come back. PLEASE GOD LET HIM BE STRAIGHT"

That guy single handedly made up for every smelly non-underwear wearing, annoying hippie, and naked lady encounter I've had to endure.

Well, just so you know I'm not usually such a troll. But OH BOY....please be straight....please be straight....