Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Perils of a yoga teacher, Book 6, Chapter 1:You reap what you sow...

I JUST got home from teaching a class tonight. There MUST be something in the yogic air, because I am NOT EVEN KIDDING when I tell you that after class I went into the bathroom to, well, to pee, and I ran into a woman who just took class, TOTALLY NAKED with HUGE fake boobs....no towel or anything. She had, apparently, just whipped off her clothes after class, and pranced around the locker room.

I tried to book it with my head down to the stalls, but OF COURSE she stops midway to the sink and TALKS TO ME. shitshitshitshit.

"OH MY GAAWWWDDDD...that was THE hardest class!' she's just standing there, her fake boobs floating on her chest, they are SO HIGH UP that I couldn't even NOT see them as I tried to FREEZE my eyes on hers.

"WHEN ELSE DO YOU TEACH?!?" I felt like an 8th grade boy at his first nudie bar. I didn't know what to say or where to look. I think her left nipple actually poked me in the eye.

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A CLASS LIKE THAT! IT WAS FUN. I MEAN I'VE DONE YOGA AT A STUDIO WHERE......." My mind was a complete blank. WHO? is this woman!! My heart was thumping out of my chest. I think it was scared of the giant boobs across the way, like they were big threatening bullies who were all "WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU AND WE WILL CUT YOU"

This is my payback, I was thinking, for all my bitching about the hippies and the beatniks and using the word 'retarded' WAY too many times. This was the dalai lama smacking me around. So naturally I begged to my REGULAR god. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE baby jesus....MAKE her go away!!! Remember when I was in the Bell Choir? When I went to Bible Camp ? When I played wise man #3 in the Nativity scene? Even though I accidentally on purpose pulled Molly Burns' hair because she got to be Mary...

FInally I heard the words... "WELL THANKS! I'LL BE THERE EVERY WEEK.

I feel like a fugitive at my own Job. I avoid all the students as it is. I get there only minutes before class, and I bolt before everyone else, unless a velvet clad tree hugger blocks my way (they're good at that) (SORRY GOD!) I don't even feel safe in my own home. I've been scarred. When the chinese delivery came just now I was seriously expecting to open the door and he'd be all "you wanna nookie nookie in your fortune cookie" while wearing nothing but a samurai sword and a take-out menu.

I'm exhausted. I suppose this would be what SOME people call Karma. But then I don't believe in Karma, cuz then, can you imagine what would happen to meter maids??


dede said...

can you imagine if you didn't teach yoga and just worked in a bank or something? life would be so boring!

peewee said...

I dunno, I bank might be kinda fun. I would know so mush INFO. But it would probably be illegal to blog about it :(