ebay is the new porn...

I rushed home last night, quickly fed the dogs, brushed my teeh, half-watched Idol because I was trying to get ready for bed, and then FINALLY went into my room, shut the door, turned off my phone, crawled in bed, made sure I had enough battery power, and opened my laptop as I literally went "ahhhhh"...

it was TIME to take care o' bidness. I have NEEDS.

Then the excitement began...

I waited with baited breath, my heavy breathing starting to fog the screen, so I took my sweaty hand and wiped it clean and waited for the page to load. I was dying with anticipation. the tension building...and building....going from opening page, to secured password page, to advertisements...(this is e-foreplay) and then , finally, there it was in front of me, in all it's glory.

RAW. NAKED. HUGE.

what I had been waiting for allll day....I moaned with ecstasy!!!!!!!.......

"YOU HAVE SOLD 3 ITEMS!"

I squirmed with glee. my heart was pounding, blood rushing to my nether regions as I pounded the keys...that feeling was climaxing to final glory...

"YOU HAVE BEEN PAID FOR 3 ITEMS!"

my eyes rolled back in my head...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA....

phew. what a night! I paused, sighed, swept the hair outta my face. Then went to paypal, calculated my earnings, had a few last shudders of ecstasy as I saw how much shipping they all paid, fondly took a look at the rest of my auctions, closed up the laptop and snuggled into a dreamy sleep.


I woke up this morning with a certain glow. I rolled over and felt a hardness pushing against my thigh. "oh you little rascal," I thought.

it was time for a second round.

I had another auction about to end.

seriously...

I was concerned about my morning outfit being too matchy matchy.

And then there's this.

Snoop Dog.

And his hair beads match his granny shower cap.
He needs zoloft. or something.

RAZOR THURSDAY

I woke up this morning VERY depressed, which is weird since I take stuff for that, and I figured it was the cold foggy morning.

except i LOVE cold foggy mornings. So then I paddle into the kitchen, make my NY coffee imported form NY and figure that will take the blues away, all the while thinking of how to seek revenge on our neighbors (that's a whole other blog that I can't wirte yet because am still too angry and may do bad things)

except it doesn't. I was still sitting here crusty and scowling, so I turned on the TV to fox news, which is like IN TOUCH weekly disguised as news, WITH weather!!! (I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...soooo many wasted boring mornings tedioudly half-listening to the today show or good morning america!)

anyhoo, THAT's when I realized why I had a mean spirit. BRANDON DAVIS WAS VOTED OFF!?!?!?!?!??! but wait. there's more. HE WAS VOTED OFF AND SANJAYA STAYED!!!!

I don't even know what to do with this major upset. I thought, given the odds of life, that after LAST week's crazy ass upset, that THIS week HAD TO BE BETTER. and THIS is what happens! There were like 3 people AT LEAST who were WAY WAY WAY worse (haley,phil aka powder,creepy sanjaya) than brandon. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can boycott. But at the same time It just all seems so WRONG and a waste of time if only retarded 10 yr old girls who DON'T KNOW WHAT "GAY" means yet, are the only people voting. The lifeblood has been sucked out of me. the world does not make sense. this is worse than when W won....again.

it's gonna be a dark day. Thursdays aren't looking good for the next while. consider yourself warned.

spring diet

I am starting a diet today.

WHY NOW? you ask.

WELLL...

NOT because I pay $200 an hour for my shrink to tell me that I need to lose weight.

NOT because I was prescribed anti-depressants because my shrink said gaining so much weight was a sign of depression.

NOT because none of my clothes fit, including my stretchy yoga clothes and underwear. when underwear gets tight you're in trouble...but that didn't even motivate me. I actually bought bigger undies.

NOT because I just noticed I have fat-lady-feet.

NOT because I went to vegas this weekend and pulled my back AND sprained my ankle because I am too fat to dance in heels.

,.,,but BECAUSE yesterday at the dog park my lovely little girl lab AND my old lab mistook me for this MUCH LARGER, shall we say, heavy set, lady WHO was also poorly dressed and a good 50 lbs heavier than me but her hair was in a bun like mine (never again) and they both went up to her thinking it was ME!!! they were noticeably confused when I SCREAMED at them to "get the hell over here" to me. They looked at me, looked at her, and THEN realized they had the wrong owner!! REALLY!!

They got no treats that night. stupid mutts.

So that was the perverbial straw that broke the fat camels back.

call me LIZA...

I have never been shy about my shrink prescribed meds...zoloft, adderral. BUT I am nothing if not discreet about it. I keep my little blue pills in a cute adorable pill case that LOOKS like a big tylenol. SO hip I can hardly stand it.

ANyhoo, as it so happens, my old dog Beck takes LOTS of meds and they come in these GIANT green prescription vials. Seriously, they look comical, the size of say, a coffee mug. He takes 3 different ones and one is a narcotic so it has a big huge label that says "THIS DRUG MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS AND MAY BECOME HIGHLY ADDICTIVE."

SO of COURSE I picked up all his meds at the vet one day, threw them in my purse and went along my merry way to teach my private client and his wife. After I was all done I went to leave and my client pulls me aside and he's hemming and hawing and I thought it was weird and he says...

"ummm, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your purse was my wife's purse and I was looking for her dayplanner, and I went searching in YOUR bag on accident and I am really sorry, because ummm, I didn't want you to think I was searching through YOUR purse, and ummm, invading your privacy, and ummm I'm REALLY SORRY."

I just chuckled and said, "oh, no big deal. it's fine. haha." I was perplexed as to why he was so nervous. so then he says...

"I mean I think I messed up some of your, ummm, STUFF, you know, and I feel really bad...because you know that's YOUR business and I feel like I really invaded your privacy because I moved some of your STUFF around"

and I was still like "oh I don't care...it's fine REALLY" all the while thinking, "man this guy has privacy issues"


THEN when I when I picked up my purse and got in my car, I realized why he was all nervous. all those big giant green pharmacy prescription NARCOTICS were askew. The labels glowing in the dark of my coach bag HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. DROWSY. REFILLS.MY NAME.

I just started snorting laughing to myself. he was probably in his house right that second telling his wife that her yoga instructor had some serious prescription drug issues.

oh well. when in hollywood....