Thursday, November 27, 2008


It's iffy if we're even gonna find a turkey today. But whatev's. We can always bust out some new Zealand Mussels (bleh)
And/or just go to Mickey Dees for a hearty combo.

I just wanted to point out that this McDonalds would be sued in america. Notice the Sundae AND the extra cheeseburger in their value meal? awesome, right?!

ANd then this...

TWO Big Macs in a meal?? I don't get it, It's not like everyone here is fat or anything. BUT the MOST important thing about this McDonalds is that they had FRIED apple pies!!! YUMMMMM. WHy The US McD stopped that is a complete mystery. Baked my ass, Who even cares about health in their desserts?

Just some more cool stuff about NZ. For those who were maybe dabbling in coming, this should seal the deal to buy your tickets!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Would yee-oo loike a punch in the fayce before you go to the loo?

You know what I love most about New Zealand? Their accents. they are so so cute. EVEN when they are being total assholes, they sound cute. It's impossible to get mad at anyone. I should move here. I mean, would they think I'm cute when I'm being a jerk with my american accent? Whatever. I'm cute no matter WHAT I do!

We went gambling last night. What am I turning into? Who knew New Zealand was the city of debauchery? I am losing my pure innocent self! I'll prob. be turning tricks tonight. Tomorrow I'll be selling meth down by the viaduct. But for today? We're headed to some volcano or something or other and I am SURE we will find some bar to belly up to by 10 am. where I will be sipping a diet coke SANS rum.

Oh, and my flat iron doesn't work here with the electricity. Fraggle rock doesn't even BEGIN to describe it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

whining about wine....BAH HAHHAHAHAHHA

Today we went on a wine tour and now I'm kinda drunk. we went to FIVE WINERIES. Which is four too many as far as I'm concerned. But then you're there, and it was 200 bucks, so I tried all the wines at FIVE WINERIES. At least at the fourth one they sold chocolate. At each winery I bought more and more crap. Including bottles of wine that will prob. break in my suitcase on the way home. Why don't they have chocolate tasting tours? where you go to chocolate fields and taste all the chocolates? THAT would be FIVE stops to make.

I'm trying to upload some of the pics, but I can't get them to work. Stupid blogger.

So these are from yesterday and the night before.

me, erin, bridget....future sisters.

Me, Little bro. and little bro's fiancee, erin (erin is even crankier than ME! which means I love her tons already)

It's monday morning. Do you know where your bloggers are?

My family is a bunch of partyers. Even the ones about to be in-laws. They'll mesh just fine. It's like we probably won't even notice we have new family members until one of the new ones drinks all my dad's whiskey. THEN heads will roll.

I don't do well with the drink. SO saturday night out on the town celebrating my birthday did not fare well for me yesterday. Sunday was a fog of laziness and my legs are not functioning properly either. I don't know if that's jet lag or just bad genetic make-up from a family of drunks. ( I call them "drunks" in jest (sorta )Drunks/Polacks...tomato/tomahto)

My little brother wanted desperately to watch the Utah/BYU football game yesterday....IN NEW ZEALAND. So he spent about 12 hours online trying to figure out how he could watch it. Then he was getting frustrated, slamming laptop lids down. Giant sighs. So of course me, in all my internet savvy, found the game online in about 3 minutes flat, and purchased the pay per view, acting all smug and smart and generally better than everyone in my family. AS USUAL. I was a STAR unitl 5 mins later when we realized I had purchased, for $15, the 2007 Utah/BYU game. I mean, I shoulda just fed him some more beer and would he have even known?

It's cold and rainy here this monday, but I don't even care. I love it. It's an awesome excuse to curl up with a "flat white" (no, that's not what they call New Zealand's what they call a latte)( I cant figure out the "flat" part. I get the white. but why flat?) and a good book. Okay, a laptop. but same diff.

Oh! I almost forgot. Here are the first 3 things I did. In this order.

1. CHecked to see the way the water swirls as it drains in the sink. Kept turning faucet on and off to see the water swirl the other way. It's SO CUTE!
2. Bought all their brands of candy at the supermarket (yay Vanessa! you know me too well)
3. Found coffee with internet

So you guys did pretty well with the coffee part. And all that Candy and Spare Rib flavored pringles I bought for the winner? YAY! I get to keep it!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Top O' the mornin' to ya!

K, they don't say that either. I think actually that could be irish. again, whatevs.

I'm the only one up. I'm on CPT still. SO, it's sat morning here. weird huh? You guys are prob still going to work and packing school lunches. NOT ME!

We're a day ahead and 3 hrs behind. This is all very fascinating, no? you asleep yet?

I felt like a big idiot going around shopping and acting like people here don't speak english. I would be all talking slow, using my hands..."Hel-lo. Do. you. have. LOTION?" At starbucks I was like 'I'll. have. a. medium? coffee? (blank stare from "barista") okay, a GRAN-DAY? coffee? COF-FEE. (making a cup gesture with my hands) ( a grande cup gesture nonetheless) and she goes "coffee??" and I got all flustered cuz I then though maybe they didn't call it coffee. (WTF?) and then she nods, like I'm a complete idiot and mumbles something in New Zealandish to the other barista. And of couse I had to add "and. do. you. have. like. WIRE-LESS in-ter-net? I think she actually rolled her eyes at me.

That was basically my day. Oh, and they don't call it the grocery store here. it's the super market. DUH. But it's DEFINITELY NOT the grocery store .

Phew...I better go buy a guide book or something.

Oh, bonus? their dollar fell a lot yesterday, so everything is like HALF PRICE!!!! I'll prob have to buy another suitcase for all the chips I'm bring home. Chips that are flavored honey soy chicken and chicken rosemary garlic and lamb mint and bacon sour cream and grilled steak andbacon cheddar crackers

And And everything is flavored with BACON! I am SO moving here. I bought like 7 bags of wierd flavored chips and they were ALL AMAZING! WHY don't we have that??? WHY?????

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Good aye!

they don't actually say that here, but whatev's. makes me sound worldly and well travelled.

My flight was actually not bad at all. I am shocked. No moth ball smelling people. No snake shows. I took an ambien, and thought it didn't work, but then woke up 5 hrs later. So guess it did. I was disoriented though. And my ankles were beyond puffy. At least I matched all the granny's around me though.

The worst part of the flight was choosing to watch Mamma Mia. WORST.MOVIE.EVER. I mean, seriously, BAD. It was laughable watching Meryl Streep DANCING around in overalls. And singing. And pretending to be a 41 yr old.

Anyhoo...I would tell you what I'm doing rigth now but i've decided to do something FUN!

I'm gonna do a prize giveaway. Like wheel of fortune, only you don't have to spell so much!

If you can guess the FIRST 3 things I did when I got here, I will send you an awesome prize Purchased FROM New Zealand. I mean, I'll ship it when I get back. I'm not a millionaire or anything!


Now, think like me. And they don't have be in the right order. BUT if they are? And you are THAT familiar with my neurosis quirks, then I will send you DOUBLE the bounty. ("bounty" is a local word. I am totally all about the native tongue)


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Oh geez. This entire flight is 1.a senior citizen "last chance" tour of the world and 2. Smelly backpackers

airport feast..

I'm at the airport eating a BK whopper with cheese. It's pretty gross. I know they CAN be good, but this particular $9 one isn't.

ALSO? This just happened.

ME: (SOOOOOO pleaseant) HI! I'm going to New Zealand on the 7:30 flight!

LADY: Blah Blah blah...passport...blah...gate #22..blah blah blah...checked bags...blah....SEAT 37B

ME: WHAT? is that like, there's TWO seats and one is A and the other is B.

LADY: nnnnnnnnnnnnO. B is the middle seat and there are NO OTHER seats.

ME: but it's, it's EMPTY in here. There's not even line. Are you sure???

LADY: mmmmmmm hmmmmmmm.

ME: well, well, what about an upgrade! can I upgrade to like business or something.

LADY: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....searching searching.....YES! there is a business seat available.............window!.........First row!

ME: YAY! perfect!

LADY: it's $7,800 extra.

Could she MAYBE have mentioned that first? I swear, airline check-in people didn't qualify for meter maid jobs, cuz they prob had domestic violence records and/or didn't pass the psychological test under the category of "perverse pleasure in pain" and this was the next best thing.

sigh. I brought ambien and all...but MIDDLE SEAT?? where am I supposed to put my head? I haven't flown in a middle seat, since like freshman year of college when I was poor and late to the southwest counter and got placard # Z99.

I have worked toooo hard to sit in middle seat in middle class dammit! I better bust out the charm on the gate lady and see what i can do and if that doesn't work I'll just accidentally on purpose let my psychiatric med bottles drop on the counter and start my fake shoulder/eye/neck twitch.

wish me luck!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

the aftermath...

Maggie hurt her shoulder last night. She was partying too hard for my birthday. SO, today I had to take her to the vet. Turns out she has a torn ligament :( She's totally milking it too. she wouldn't even eat her bone, which she usually protects and inhales the way I do jars of nutella. When I gave it to her she just sighed and put her head down, and looked around to make sure we all saw.

she's sooo cute though, acting all dramatic like she's taking her last few breaths. Inga came into my room and was petting her saying "awwww, maggie. You are JUST like your mommy when you're injured" I've discussed Inga's "bedside manner" before. Maggie woulda slapped her little viking face if she could lift her paw.

AND like her mommy she is now well medicated. And since she can't shop online like me, I went ahead and got her a New comfy pale pink bedand a matching collar.

As for ME...I have had THE BEST birthday. Because I have THE BEST friends. I know, this blog is starting to sound like this one but it's TRUE. I have actually been super happy this WHOLE weekend! And let me tell you, having a monday birthday is THE BEST. Because you get to celebrate ALL weekend. If it were on a friday, then that's all you'd get.

PLUS I got the most awesome thoughtful presents. I am even eating Moose Munch
as I type. My keypad is all covered with chocolate fingerprints right now. THANKS DEDE & CARIN! That wasn't EVEN on my list...and THAT! is what I love about Awsome friends who know you better than you know you. Thanks to all my thoughtful friends who pay attention to my needs! And Joe? I KNOW yours is on the way.

Sure, I also got about a million Starbucks cards, I will be highly caffeinated well into summer '09. AND I got lots of birthday calls too. Though, the facebook greetings, are cute. DOESN'T cut it. So any of you who facebook birthdayed me? (and actually know me in person) Karma. I don't even believe in Karma. But KARMA.

But right now I am in love with my friends and family and consider myself super lucky to have such a close circle or friends from grammar school up through college and all the new ones. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Don't worry, come December when my month is over. I will be back to my crusty hateful self.

Now I have one more B-day dinner and then I pack for New Zealand!!!!!

Seriously, SO F-ing blessed!

Sunday, November 16, 2008


I am still in recovery. I had the most fun birthday EVER! YAY ME!

This is my friend Colin. And this is me with my super duper short hair, that was cut a few hours ago, and LOOKS super cute NOW. But I can already tell, it's gonna be one of those haircuts that will never be that way again, and when it gets wet and freezes up I'm gonna look like beaker.

And this is me and my friend Will and Reilly. (Will is doing his "I'm a serious actor" face)I lOVE taking pics in between two cute guys. It gives me a certain Je ne sais quois (which is french for "makes me look hotter")

And these are my oldest friends. I mean, not OLD old, (though, they DO looker older than ME, right!) but One I've been friends with since Kindergarten, and the other since High school. We survived the eighties together.

And this is everyone having SO.MUCH.FUN. at my super awesome hollywood party!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's a little early but....if Target can do it, so can I

I stole this from this funny blog.

Following are 25 Christmas facts Of a single Bi-polar, Bitter, Black Hearted & Very Charming Pill Popper!

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both. AMAZING FANCY EXTRAVAGANT bought for a dollar at Pottery Barn in March Gift Bags with extensive tissue paper to make look bigger and candy tied to the handle. Looks SUPER expensive so person thinks they better ante up a better gift. Make sure you give earlier than them! Wrapping paper for under the tree stuff. Plain brown, pretty non-christmas ribbon (Michaels, $1) and candy tied at the bow. SOOO inviting. (hint,,,I LIKE THAT TOO)
Real or Artificial tree? REAL!!
When do you put up the tree? When the cleaning lady's husband is here to bring it upstairs.
When do you take the tree down? May-ish and/or same as above
Do you like Eggnog? HAY-ell NO! And if you work at starbux and accidentally give me that instead of a gingerbread latte that I ordered, I WILL spit it out in front of you and glare at you while you do the new one.
Favorite gift received as a child? Hungry Hungry Hippos. Weird huh? Not the 4 story dollhouse my mom had custom made (which later turned into my hamster house) (SOOOO cute when they ran up and down the stairs!) I just LOVED those hippos eating like crazy. I would play it by myself!
Hardest person to buy for? Oh GAWD! My millionaire mother, who if you don't get just the right gift spends the entire year wailing about how her selfish kids never DO anything for her.
Easiest person to buy for? ME!
Do you have a nativity scene? yah, my grandmas from Woolworths. awwww. Baby Jesus is brown from age. We like to call him the Mexican baby Jesus now. awwww.
Mail or email Christmas cards? If you even THINK of sending me an email Christmas Card (unless we're talking starbucks pre-paid) You will get the lavender soaps I was given 3 years ago as a re-gift.
Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My Brother (CRAIG) gave me ONE set of dishtowels that were leftover from his wedding gifts AND was all "WE (the entire family)(wife, 2 kids I BOUGHT individual xmas presents for by the way) know how you LOVE to cook and all so we figured you'd love these!" That even beats those Lavendar gift soaps! lavender=NASTY.
Favorite Christmas Movie? Charlie Brown Christmas and the Year without a Santa Clause
When do you start shopping for Christmas? January "everything must GO! sales" and then I'm all like " I've had this under the tree for you FOREVER!"
Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? YES. But only to the hired help. they LOVE that stuff! And recycled unwanted gift=NO cash payout!!!
Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? hmmm, where to start. These homemade chocolate dipped candy canes (you have to order early by phone..they run out fast!)(oh and they also have oreo cookie mint malt balls!!!)
Lights on the tree? YAH! White lights in living room, colored in den!
Favorite Christmas song? Little Drummer Boy
Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home at someone else's home :) (any room at the inn for a lovely girl and her two PERFECT dogs??)
Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? I dunno, maybe after a few drinks
Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel! A teddy bear angel!
Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Whenever they arrive in the mail CHRISTMAS MORNING!!!
Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Yoga people and their "less-is-more-so-i-am-cheaping-out-on-your-present-because-it's-not-about-material-goods-it's-about-spirit-and-energy-so-here's-the-gift-of-organic-rescued-from-the-compost-pinecones-I-made-with-my-loving-heart."
Favorite ornament theme or color? The old snoopy's on glitter ski's that were used for our bedroom tree when I was a kid.
Favorite for Christmas dinner? Dessert. Peppermint stick Ice Cream and hot fudge. Oh, and pie. ALL PIE. (except mince meat! EEEEEWWWWWW!!!!)
What do you want for Christmas this year? Oh, don't worry, it'll be included in every daily december post :) honestly, what I want is for my out of state friends to come visit me, and if you're a UTAH out of state friend, then visit me and arrive with a dozen or so Banbury Cross donuts!!

I'm adding a few...

WORST thing you've been forced to eat at Christmas Shredded carrot and Raisin and mayonnaise salad that my great polish grandma made. ick. At least there weren't lima beans in it. I guess.
WORST present (no matter how shameful) you've given someone mmmm, I give good presents....buuutttt maybe that time I got my hateful 6th grade teacher as my "secret santa" and I gave her a stolen old used bottle of my mom's perfume and some nasty Brach's taffy, stale, the kind with the christmas tree in the middle.
FAVORITE store bought CANDY mmm...peppermint candy cane covered tootsie pops. AND christmas colored rolos.
Worst job you ever had at Christmas timeTHE GAP!
We had to refold EVERY SINGLE THING if someone even breathed on it. had to work CHristmas eve. bah.

I think everyone who reads this blog should have to fill this out! I wanna know your Christmas secrets!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


My friend checked her "blog readability" and HERS was "high school level" which I thought was good! I was a little nervous to do this because I thought for SURE I would get like, the "pre-natal" or at best 3rd grader. So you can imagine my shock when this popped up...

blog readability test

Movie Reviews

HA! OBVIOUSLY their "meter" was broken. College! POST GRAD?!?! HA! I barely made it as college grad, and even THAT is still a little shady. (I think I still owe for a parking ticket )(and/or a semester of tuition) (small potatoes U of U....petty much?)

I wonder if it just reads, like the last entry? Maybe those leggings are WAY cerebral. They just scream "I'm in my third masters program and have no taste whatsoever"

I'm off to check every other blog's midnight on a wed. what else am I gonna do? Graduate college! HAHAHHHA!

Nothing comes between me and my whisks....

I am about to post some UGLY ASS leggings. THESE are NOT, I repeat NOT on my BIRTHDAY (NOV. 17) LIST!!!

Not only are these the ugliest pants EVER....

(please not that these are BIRDS. Many colorful BIRDS) but also they are $80....EIGHTY DOLLARS.

My guest room rug resembles this pattern.

I saved the best for last. And by best I mean WTF??? Really. This is the pattern, one of FOUR that they chose? I mean. Was it a panel of designers who were all "OMG....We are SO doing KITCHEN APPLIANCES!! It's so..soo. BAMM!"

And then. I would NEVER leave my male readers out of the fashion post. Because You TOO are in need of an awesome new wardrode. Danny...these would look H.O.T. on you!

LOVE the matching hoodie. SO you know, CHRISTMAS LIST for your MAN!

I just wanna keep you all informed. AND I REPEAT....NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY LIST.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


yay me! I got to go meet the woman I plagiarize regularly!! Well, I only steal her youtube stuff from time to time. What? it's a COMPLIMENT to her, that she's so good! And I am SURE that if she ever stumbles on this site that she would full on steal stuff from me. Like that David hasslehoff pick. she would SO steal that. I like to call it "community sharing"

AWESOME pic right? iphone. Isn't the iphone AWESOMEI I didn't even THINK to bring an actual camera, well, cuz I don't do stuff like that..take pics with celebrities, because it ruins the image that I have of being above that sort of behavior. I prefer stalking.

Anyway, it was really weird for a meet and greet, cuz we had to stand in line to meet her and there were TWO big giant clunky cameras, AND one of those big fluffy microphone things that they hold on a pole RIGHT over your forehead. I felt weird, Like was I supposed to say something clever and witty? uh no. I am NOT clever and witty in person! My life is VERY compartmentalized.



REGULAR LIFE=LAZY, APATHETIC, IMPATIENT, EXTRA MEAN, SURLY, LOYAL, KICK ASS COOK! BEST DOG OWNER IN THE WORLD, PIOUS about my Lexus Hybrid....what? YOU don't have a hybrid? Well, I'm just doing my part guys, just doing my part for the planet, ALOOF (don't act like you know me) CAFFEINATED, MEDICATED, SHALLOW, ELITIST, MATERIALISTIC, CRAFTY, GENEROUS, and I LISTEN WELL. Because I LOVE giving advice and butting in and pulling out my yoga sage wisdom. It's a gift AND a curse!

So anyway...I just stood there. Gave her a chocolate chip cookie from the place here that has THE BEST choc chip cookies and was all "hi." She is like, so insanely nice and sweet and funny and welcoming and everything you'd expect from her. I mean you never know. I once dated this guy who I met online and we had written emails for about a week and he was so funny I would be crying laughing. And then in person he said NOTHING. And he was cheap. SO, you just never know.

I didn't know what to say cuz it's either all or nothing...I either sit my ass down and tell her about my two dogs and my life in utah and does she go to banbury cross donuts too!? and go over every single post of hers that made me laugh/cry...or i stand there, mute, with a cookie.

Oh, and THEN her husband John asks where we're from, and the two girls next to me chimed in that they drove ALL THE WAY FROM VENTURA....blah blah. And then he turned to me and was all "did you come from ventura also?" Nooooo, "I live down the street." I shoulda been all..."No. I'm from Bakersfield. and I biked all the way here. just to meet you. it was no big. you're worth it." and then cue pious smile and condescending glance at the "ventura" chicks.

I can never think of that shit on the fly. it's a character flaw.

I left feeling excited cuz she's so awesome. And dejected cuz she's not my bestie, and I'm not nice like her. I drove off to teach class thinking "could I maybe try being nice and gracious?" And then quickly, "no. sigh. I've tried that one trick pony before. it doesn't work on me. When I try to be nice my friends laugh at me and ask what's wrong or if I just took an adderall"

But it was just a fleeting thought. I am totally fine with being mean ole crusty me. I mean, If I had a meet and greet, would you expect anything less? Anyhoo, it's genetic. can't be escaped. And if you're a nature/nurture defender...It is both nature AND nurture for me. My gene pool is more like a cess pool, and my family that raised me has NEVER been described as "nice. sweet. or kind" SO, I'm fine with it. I heart me.

But still, there is that twinge of envy when I meet someone like her. But, like a gorgeous expensive Stella McCartney Bag, I can just admire her from afar, know that though I'll never have that, I can appreciate it!

Monday, November 10, 2008


I so totally have NOTHING to post about.

wait. yah I DO.


But of course, you all KNOW that already.

Being that I was reared in a humble household, where we were only allowed to ask santa for ONE GIFT! every year (in some cultures I think this is child neglect) I definitely took my childhood teachings RIGHT into my humble adult life.

I would NEVER let material objects come before family! (even I couldn't type that without chuckling)

I mean I am SENSITIVE to our economic times and how that affects my loved ones. I really don't want anyone to go broke because of little ole moi! Besides, I'd way rather have LOVE in my life, rather than, say, shoes!......well, let's not go THAT far. How about LOVE and SHOES?! (did you expect a link there? see, I already posted THOSE links I am not THAT obnoxious!!)

Anyhoo...just another dull chilly monday here. (JUST KIDDING!! I already ordered that one!)(but not this!) (though, you DO get free shipping with orders over $100....just another way I'm lookin' out for your skinny stock portfolio!)

Okayyyyyy...enough about my birthday...for now. I don't want any of my newer readers to think I'm OBNOXIOUS or anything!! I mean, for my friends and family? this is mild. But you know, at least I'm not one of those people who REGISTER for their birthdays! UGH! THAT is totally rude! And obnoxious! And T.A.C.K.Y. And I? can't just choose from ONE store am NOT tacky!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Going to church is a better idea.

Here's something you maybe don't want to do on a sunday morning, while drinking your coffee and eating your yummy homemade "funeral" potatoes with bacon crumbles on top...

WATCH CSI on your TiVo.

Cuz, the odds that you will have just taken a big bite of something mushy WHILE they are cutting up a body in CLOSE UP is high. very very high.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Mutiny On the Booty....Coming to theatres soon...

Guess what I did tonight in fabulous West Hollywood? I went to a porno show!!!!

Wait, no, THAT was my YOGA CLASS.

She's baaaaaaaaack.

And THIS time she wore her same exact style of PANTIES as last time, only the entire class! No black short shorts. Just full Bare Butt.

But she tricked me cuz she walked in wearing the shorts, and then I turned around and it was all skin, all the time. I about fell over. I was so distracted I could hardly teach. Why God? WHYYYYYY?

And let me just tell you, that I had to avoid any poses with a leg up. And then i completely made the mistake of putting the class into wheel pose.

You can imagine the problems this caused for me. Let's just say that a centimeter to the right and I woulda seen her uterus.

After class I ran downstairs to talk to the front desk people to make fun of her. And was all "'ll never believe this...." And the front desk girl was like..."Ohhhh...the one with the long black hair, tan skin. The porn star."

"YAHHH! TOTAL PORN STAR! hahahahha. I'm SO glad you know who I mean, so it's not just ME who thinks she dresses like a porn star"

"No she's a REAL porn star."


Now I just have to find out her name so I can show you guys. I mean. you know, like a head shot or something.

I'm exhausted. Seriously any more of this kind of stuff and I'm filing for workman's comp.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


I wanted to write about this last night, but given the OTHER stuff going on in the Country, I felt America needed my attention.

But, like the day after Christmas, it's back to ME.

Now, as I've griped before, my job is NO bed of roses. But last night took the cake. Not because it was someone showing body parts that should ONLY be shown in the bonds of holy matrimony AND in the dark, I mean that did happen, but at least THIS time it was funny. well, funny for me because I laughed my ass off DURING class.

A woman walked in late in HEELS. So she annoyed off the bat. Then she goes to the corner and puts down her mat and starts taking off her pants. Now, this is pretty ordinary because lots of people wear sweats or long pants and then have SHORTS on underneath and then when they get to class and it gets hot, they take off their pants and wear their SHORTS. Many yoga shorts are ALREADY totally slutty...

I's SO WRONG. right!?!?!

I was actually EXPECTING those shorts on her, cuz she just looked like the type. but no. THIS is what SHE wore

and I SWEAR I. am. not. joking.

It took me a while to find the EXACT thing she had stripped down to. (of COURSE though, I found it at V.Secret!)

I thought at first, like, she was just changing? And I was shocked that she just stripped to her panties in class. But like I said, though I've never seen anyone do that before, she really did look the type. THEN she got on her MAT, in DOWN DOG nonetheless, IN HER PANTIES and just started doing yoga. I actually walked over there to see if I was seeing what I thought i was seeing. I made sure not to go behind her...I have been WELL trained not to do THAT. And I just stared in disbelief. I wasn't sure if I should SAY something because I felt like I should protect the poor people next to her. I mean, this is the west hollywood class, the Males and females alike did NOT want to see her na-nanny. But then HOW do you say that?

I went back to my spot in the front of the room, deciding what the hell to do here, and my guy friend was in the front so I kicked him and I pointed to the back and mouthed "WTF???" Once he saw her, he did a double take and started laughing and then I started and then I couldn't stop.

But here's the interesting twist. Here I was, thinking that she's just a complete porn freak, and being that this IS hollywood she actually probably is, and then about 10 mins later I see her stop suddenly, look down and then reach into her bag and put on yoga shorts, kin to the first pic. And then she just continued on.

So??? What? Was she NOT AWARE until that moment that she was DOING yoga in her panties??? And she was all "oooopps, forgot my shorts!" Or she's SOOOOO used to wearing whore clothes that it's hard to tell when you're just in your underwear?

This makes my head ache. I am pretty sure that Mary Magdalen, though thought to be a prostitute, never showed up at Jesus' feet in a thong. What's a spiritual leader to do??

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


YAY! I voted! And here's the cheesy part, I got tears in my eyes as I left!! Like I felt all patriotic and stuff. I'm pretty sure I got all emotional because of THIS POST. And I was like all nervous when I was voting, I even signed my name all weird. huh, who woulda thought I had a caring bone in my body?

Okay, now that's outta the way here's why I probably really felt nervous. My polling place was in a FIRE HOUSE!!!! How lucky am I? I mean for REAL! Could there even BE a better place to vote?? with all those hot firemen hanging out just FEET away? UH! If I had know this is what is possible in this country I woulda voted EVERY election!!

Wow, when I lived in Utah it was at some women's club or something. All old ladies hangin' around. And last election, in New York it was, no joke, at the gay and lesbian community center. Talk about the opposite experience! I had to shove through hard core lesbians to vote last time. So I was in n out in a RUSH. I don't even think I voted on props last year.

But THIS year, I not only voted on most every single prop, but I pondered my options.

Thank GAWD I wore my cute black pants! Now, if those firemen hadn't worn shirts? There would be WAYYYYY more voters next time around. WAYYYY MORE. You know...they never even checked my ID. hmmm....I should go back. In a tube top! HA HA! J/k. for sure!

I'm wearing my sticker on my pant leg. How hip is that?! Off to class, where i'm gonna act better than everyone because I voted!

PS. You know what I do love about election day? Seeing the big map with all the colored states and realizing that I never even knew where Kentucky was!

Well. THIS IS IT! This is THE day. The day that will MAKE a DIFFERENCE.... whether my Birthday presents arrive ON TIME or NOT.


Seriously, I don't care if stuff is on long as it is BOUGHT. I kinda feel like all of November is mine anyway.

Also I'm up early. To vote? nah. I thought about going early but then on the news they said the lines are looonnnggggg. SO, much as I love this country and all, I don't do lines. I'm hoping that around 11ish, when all the tax paying, hard working schmucks are at work, I'll go. But seriously. those poll workers better speed shit up, cuz SURELY I'm not the ONLY one who is too lazy to get in line. If they were SMART about it, there would be door prizes and those donuts would be passed out BEFORE we vote, while IN line. get us all coked up on glaze and rainbow sprinkles.

And speaking of all those free treats we get, I was thinking on the way home from teaching class last night. (Teaching yoga puts me in a very Zen, pensive, philosophical space. I think it's less a spiritual experience, and more a "drunk with power" high. After all, people in class do whatever I say. I could make them hop on one foot for an hour in the name of "presence" and "endurance." I mean, I would NEVER!)( but I could)(just saying)

And I found it curious that WHOLE FOODS isn't giving out anything free to voters. NICE ONE whole foods! Way to support the community. Cutting out plastic bags just ISN'T gonna cut it.

Is it that they all know hippies don't vote anyway. They just complain about THE MAN and THE CORPORATIONS. Then they get high and don't move more than a couch cushion away. Am I stereotyping? hmmmmm....

Also maybe they figure if they were to give out, say wheat grass shots, that Americans wouldn't vote. it would have the opposite effect, that we would see it as punishment.

Or maybe they just KNOW that, with americans, it simply "wouldn't take." I know I wouldn't be running around all over the greater Los Angeles area to different whole foods to get my free gluten free snacks, as I will with say, the 57 Starbucks in my 5 mile radius, and the 11 Ben & Jerry's within 20 miles of my zipcode, and the 6 krispy Kreme stores that I can get to in 30 mins. I have a game plan, don't worry. This is EXCITING. It's like trick or treat for adults!!

I mean, the future of our country is exciting too, I guess. But I'm veering off track here. The REAL excitement is MY BIRTHDAY!!! I wonder how many presents/giftcards ALL MY READERS will send?!?!?!?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Barrack the vote! VOTE AmeriCAIN! JUST VOTE!!

Seriously, There are SO many reasons to vote. VOTE VOTE VOTE!! But in a departure from my regular blogging, I just wanted my Patriotic Self to come through, to tell you the MOST.IMPORTANT.REASONS.TO.VOTE.

Pay attention.

1. Starbucks is giving FREE COFEE to anyone who votes!! oh, also IT's A PRIVILEGE to vote, not a RIGHT. (but FREE COFFEEEEE)

I will be at the booth BRIGHT & EARLY!!

2. KRISPY KREME is giving FREE DONUTS if you vote! oh, and our ancestors DIED for this privilege! (thanks grandpappy! I get free fried food b/c of you!)

I can't WAIT to eat VOTE!

3. BEN & JERRY's is giving FREE ICE CREAM!! And also only 54% of people vote...more people vote for American Idol! (welll, to be fair, they're WAY hotter)


4.You have to live in NY to get this voting prize, but it MIGHT BE WORTH THE TRIP. and also, well, there is no also. FREE SEX TOY says it all.

I bet NY gets LOTS of voters. I hope they do a count...Are Americans motivated by sex or donuts? hmmmm...I bet it's a close call. FOR me? NO QUESTION!

Wow. It's AWESOME to be an American. NOW GO VOTE!

the end is nigh....

I just got back from the dog park this morning (yes, it's 6:40 AM)(just a notation for those of you who always say "I wish I had YOUR life") and when I got there, I pulled into the parking lot (I BARELY ever drive there)(practically NEVER)(Mostly I WALK the 7 blocks there) and, I am NOT even joking....there were more than 100 crows. Seriously. Not like, there were really 10, and I'm saying 100...there were MORE than that....a virtual blanket of black, if you will.

And being that it was SIX AM there was NO ONE else around, just me, in my car, surrounded by hundreds of crows. I naturally looked around for Damien somewhere. AND they didn't fly away when my car pulled UP! I don't know about YOU but to me, That is an OMEN, man. AN OMEN.

So, I'm going back to bed. In the face of doom and tragedy, there's always a 1000 thread count sheet to hide you from evil. (I mean, I don't HAVE a 1000 thread count sheet, mine are 300...but I COULD) (king. white. thanks.)

Saturday, November 01, 2008 my house

I am so sick of hearing about POLLS! Polls this Polls that. I can HARDLY watch TV anymore! And we all know that puts me in A MOOD.

ANd THEN all I even hear anymore is prop this, and prop that and YES! NO! YES! NO! And all the drama in a 30 second low budget commercial. Makes me want to hit people.

This year, the whole election thing brings me HOPE. I feel hopeful, ya know, that the low budget "actors" they have on the "props" commercials become super famous one day and then they'll be on Ellen and of course she'll pull up the old 'prop" commercial and he'll turn all red and stammer while ellen dances around laughing at him. oh joy! This election has SUCH promise.

So since I couldn't stay home watching TV and squirreling away all the cupcakes and three musketeers and chocodiles into my room so my roommates wouldn't hoard it all, I decided I needed to get outside! get some sunshine on my face! Reap the benefits of living so close to nature.

So, I went to the grove and ate at cheesecake factory and then poured over books at B&N and had mexican hot chocolate (which deports you to a snuggly living room in Mexico, sitting by the fire with a hot mexican guy who starts sentences with "mi amore...") then I got suckered into buying theseand then also these
But seriously don't worry I can ALWAYS need more.
(just make SURE not to get these I mean, you know, you absolutely don't need to get me ANYTHING

Hmmm, I had a point, and now I forgot it. So you know what THAT means!!!............

This is Maggie's new costco bed, which is the cutest thing ever. It fits her JUST right. I just love when she's all curled up on it napping. but my FAVORITE thing.... when Mick tries to squeeze himself in it to fit. and the look on his face is "what? I totally fit. see? no problem here."

What are you gonna be for halloween? A.D.D.

WIKIPEDIA definition of Adderall..." has been commonly prescribed for many years as a treatment for children and adults with attention deficit/hyperactive disorder (ADHD), a disorder that prevents children and adults from being able to focus on tasks for extended periods of time, a particularly detrimental condition for school performance. (see dad! It wasn't MY FAULT) Depending on dosage, these beneficial effects can also last several hours allowing improved performance throughout the day.[9][10]

Well well. Look who took her adderall last night!