Thursday, May 29, 2008

no hablo mexican computeros

It is very very VERY hard for me to navigate my blog here when ALL the words are in mexican. It took me 3 clicks just to figure out how to sign on. It didn't do that the other day. I guess my computer has defected to mexico and I don't know it yet. He's all "mi nuevo nombre es 'Juan Mac de guadalupe."

I can't even figure out how to upload pictures. Muy weird.

Kate Bosworth left. Guess she couldn't handle the place. She and her 'model' boyfriend who isn't NEARLY as cute as Orlando, cute out 2 days early. They were supposed to stay until today. They were fighting. I smell a breakup. You heard it here first folks, you heard it here first!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Just another ordinary monday...

on the beach.

I'm now in Maya Tulum. This is supposedly "work" I wish all work weeks were like this.

There's another yoga retreat group here. I My group makes fun of them endlessly. They're doing a Juice fast for a whole day and my group decided that was the day they'd have pizza delivered. I create SUCH a peaceful environment. Seriously that WAS my their idea. Good thing I don't teach kindergarten, eh?

By the way, kate Bosworth is here too. And she's NOT here with Orlando!! Makes me remember I need to invest in a telephoto lens so I can sell pics to In Touch and US weekly. I would be RICH! Stars think they can go to some remote location and be around non-confrontational yogis, instead of stalkers...guess again kate, guess again.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Playa del gained 5 lbs

I'm in Playa del carmen. Beach is beautiful blah blah.

BUT did you know they have NUTELLA gelato and double sided chocolate AND vanilla oreoS...I Cant put a question mark there because for some reason this mexican keyboard doesnt have one...ditto on apostrophes...SO let me explain. ONE side of the oreo is a vanilla cookie, the other side is a chocolate cookie!!! Mexicans are so crafty!

tacos kick ass too!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Como se dice "I'm moving to Mexico"

I am sitting here in Mexico City, well in the airport anyway. But you know, the airport counts, now I will, in polite conversations with well travelled people's say "ooohhh yah! I LOVE Mexico City!!"

Here's Why I Love Mexico city airport. When we were waiting for our luggage, there were, HELPERS! Actual live people who were there to HELP us. Sure, they didn't speak english, but whatev's. THEN I went to get a cart, and it was a whole DOLLAR, and not only THAT but there was a guy there taking the dollar and putting it in the machine and getting your cart FOR YOU.

And at this one restaurant they BRING TO YOUR TABLE a little mini coat rack for your purses and jackets. TO YOUR TABLE. AND they also bring the credit card machine TO YOUR TABLE and do it all right there. WHY are WE not modernized like this? And we call THEM lazy mexicans! pfft! Dumbass americans. I mean, it's not rocket science to make things convenient, you know?

Also? Starbucks is sooo cute here, and they say stuff like "blahblahblahblahblahmexicantalkmexicantalk" and I just hand over my credit card and nod and smile. I cheated my way through 8th grade spanish. oops.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Just a few things to make fun of....Because that's the depth of my character

I'm sorry, but If I saw anyone walking down the street in this...I would have to actually point and laugh. WHO would wear this? You also have to wear a harness with it so it'll attach...comfy. practical. I totally want to carry a harness and this bad boy around town, IN CASE IT RAINS.

Also? who would bike around in the rain and keep their HEAD dry while their, umm, SUIT gets soaked? Oh, just these pics make me giggle. I just HOPE that I get to see one in person someday.

The real horror? She probably picked this out because it was her BEST outfit. Like the NYC garden patio though.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

After I write this, i'm gonna go train for that triathalon...

I just googled myself because I am bored and I was wondering what would come up. The GREAT thing is that the yoga stuff comes up, but also there is another person out in the world who is like my alternate universe person. She is a lawyer and a water polo and Triathalon champion! YAY ME! No one will even KNOW that it's not me. They'll be all "whoa! My yoga instructor is AMAZING!" I wonder if the other KK watches people's court too!?!? I MUST become her penpal!

Oh also, what randomly comes up is that I won first place is the Los Amigos Horse Show, and i just wanted you all to know that THAT one is ME. For real. I did win a first place blue ribbon. TWICE. Sure, I was the only entry, and the judges snickered when they gave it to me, cuz I didn't get ONE thing right. I think I've actually blogged about this before. Well, at least my early dementia will be accurately documented for the 'professionals' for their 'case study'

monday monday...

Oh. It's tuesday. Is it old age that makes me get the days mixed up? or just my sloth like lifestyle where one tv show flows into the next, until I don't even know the days unless it's "IDOL NIGHT" or "TOP CHEF NIGHT" I better make some summer plans pronto because once reruns start I won't know which MONTH it is!

ho hummm. I guess I should be packing for Mexico, but that would be, what's the word? I think it's french or, or, latin?


I better spell check that since I don't think I've ever even written it before. It's up there with other foreign language words like "energetic" and "responsible" and "friendly" and "productive"

Sunday, May 18, 2008

THIS one is called "stereotypes" hahahaha! I thought it was hilarious. no?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

World's Most Boring Movie Ever.

This is what passes for entertainment in my house.

You think this is bad? wait 'till you see what passes for 'politics' around here.

Maybe we'll see you at Sundance '09?

ps. Maggie is PISSED that she didn't get the starring, or even CO-starring role. (NOBODY PUTS MAGGIE IN THE CORNER! NOBODY!) She won't say it in public, but she was an extra. Just an extra.

pps. Wonder what I do all day between my clients in the morning, and my one class at night? Aside from Tivo-ing People's Court? Take this movie, times about a thousand. That's what I do.

ppps. I will NEVER tell how long this "movie" took me to make. Never.

Find a penny pick it up, and all the day you'll have...good stamp

You Are a Brownie Cheesecake

A little chunky and a little gooey, you pretty much run on sugar!

You take hedonism to the extreme.. And people love you for it.

Chunky? how rude!

(HA! Dede...we're the same! But, of COURSE we are! too funny. Did you answer the question that said "what do you do at parties?" with "hover by the by the food table." I did! )

Cheesecake aside (mmmm....cheeeesecake) (lunch anyone?) (oh, and my favorite is cheesecake factory, either the snickers, or the turtle, or the peanut butter cookie dough, or or or....) ahem...

what was I saying? oh yah, is anyone else OUTRAGED that the post office RAISED the price of stamps AGAIN by....

drum roll please...


yep. I had to go buy 100 ONE CENT STAMPS today, because LAST WEEK I bought a roll of 100 stamps at costco. (they never mentioned the price hike that was to take place in the next 2 days. Thanks Costco! for pawning off your OLD stamps on me!...which are only 25 cents cheaper....FOR THE WHOLE 100!)

I almost fell over when I went to send in all my bills and the little asian postal employee shoved my bills back at me and said,not very kindly either, "would you like to buy ONE CENT stamp?" And I was all "nooooo, why would I want to do THAT? Do you guys even MAKE one cent stamps? is that like some new promotion to 'save the penny' or something?" and he yelled through his bullet proof glass(really loud for a little asian guy if you ask me) (well, come to think of it I HAVE heard the cooks scream quite loudly behind the steam tables at Panda Express) "YOU CANNOT SEND LETTER WITHOUT ONE CENT STAMP. THESE OLD STAMP. YOU NEED TO ADD NEW ONE CENT STAMP!!!"

He actually scared me a little, so I was a little startled and not in my regular fighter mode and I was like "umm, I guess. I uhh....ummmm....I mean, I j j j JUST bought these stamps, like a whole hundred of em a few days ago...are you sure....

"WHERE YOU GET THESE STAMP?!?! (I think he even spit on them he was SO disgusted with my old stamps) THESE STAMP NOT FROM HERE! THESE OLD STAMP. WE HAVE NEW STAMP! (yahhhh...i got that part dude)

And then I was all "but i just bought..."


okee dokee.

"ummm, I guess I'll need like, umm, (I was trying to calculate how many I had already used, you know, from YESTERDAY) maybe, ummm, like, 95?

( he said this like I had just won an auction)

As he was ringing me up for the stamps and my other packages,and I started recovering from his "postal" behavior (HA! HA! 'postal' HA!) I began to get back to my real pissy self-righteous, consumer minded self. I mean BUYING one cent stamps? is RIDICULOUS! And because there was a world of bullet proof glass between the two of us, I said, "hey. I bet it costs more to print those one cent stamps than it
does to have to buy them. Seems like an awful lot of waste to me. Just sayin' "

I scampered away before he started yelling at me again.

Scampered away and LEFT MY 95 ONE CENT STAMP...S!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

yoga burnout...

Wow...this is the THIRD one in a row having to do with yoga. Sure, that's all I do because I have no life, dogs and yoga, yoga and dogs. oh, and TV. loooootttttsssss of TV.

HOWEVER it can't go unwritten that last night, for about the fifth time in my "career" some assclown came in wearing his 'jack trippers' (shorty shorts) WITH NO LINING! That would mean, that when I walked behind him while he was in down-dog, with one leg up in the air, I got a FULL Playgirl shot, and I was NOT expecting it. I almost screamed and ran away. There is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING nastier than a sweaty upside down view of a dude's cobblers hangin out. NOTHING! I stayed on the other side of the room the rest of the time. I swear, I am scarred for life when this stuff happens. It's like that image gets seared into my brain and will pop up while I'm innocently driving, or or, trying to meditate...good thing I never do that...or just whenever! THIS? is why I don't watch horror movies. I just wanted to be all "put that thing away old man!"

AT the beginning of class too, one of my regulars who always acts like he's one of the 'group' and always sits in the front row, with the "cool kids," if you will, only he isn't. he's weird. creeps me out just a little and I can't explain why. So I sit down waiting for class to begin, and he says "I can TELL you're feeling better" and I go "uh, yep, I do feel better. My cough is finally mellowing out" and he was all "no, I mean I can tell you're FEELING better. Like, you're BACK. Energetically. I can TELL. Your energy is BACK!" and then I was all "no. I just had coffee. My ENERGY is still crusty"

WTF? You don't KNOW ME! And don't act like you're all Madame Mystery and you can READ my energy. Cuz if you COULD you'd know how much you creep me out!!

Seriously, I may need to switch careers. I love teaching yoga but I am getting SO SICK of people. People and their wallywackers hangin' out and their 'energy' and their 'patchouli'

I was so annoyed that I went home, and the next thing I know I've taken down a cookie the size of my head.

Stupid yoga people. It's a good thing Drew Barrymore sometimes comes to class, (and yes, i will mention her name continuously, until you want to puke) She is my mantra for when I want to punch these people in their energetic faces.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

yoga stripper

I have a client who lives in a fancy schmancy high rise condo building in Westwood. He's like in his late 60's at best, and he is super nice and French. And his wife is British and The cutest thing in the whole world. I need to get pics of them but I don't know how to do that just yet. After a super challenging yoga session, she pops up, takes a deep breath and says "oh...THAT was just LOVELY! I feel SPLENDID!"

Anyway, Their building has a front desk person that you have to check in with each time. Well, there's this new guy. He's a SLICK Brotha. You can tell he wants to be an actor. He wears his slick pinstripe Men's Warehouse suit, red tie, and shiny black shoes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Same coat, same tie, same slicked back hair. He's extra chatty, which you all know i JUST LOVE. Waiting for his big break when a PRODUCER walks into the building. He acts like this condo building is the Ritz Carlton. And now, after seeing him for 3 or 4 times, He is acting EXTRA friendly. Sure, it could be my big badonka donk trunk, which the brothas love. But what I suspect is that he is noticing that I am there for one hour every morning, and he thinks I am some sort of low rent stripper or whore. Because this morning as he walked me to the elevator he said "It's a FINE FINE day, have fun with the mister!" wink wink. I didn't get it at first. Then as I walked out, he says "All done? Have a FINE FINE DAY!" and gave me a look that said "I get it. we in this togetha sista"

Oh brother. the THINGS I have to deal with. I hope this guy finds a new job soon.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

just a little chuckle...

I *heart* yoga

This total high maintenance hippie yoga idiot came into my class this morning. I just KNEW she'd be trouble. ( Ummm, a quilted crushed velvet floor length skirt? No.) The more "hippie'd" out and "yoga" looking they are, the worse it's gonna be. Plus, from the front of the room, I could SMELL her patchouli oil and sage smoke. Also, come ON...if you're gonna sport the whole "i'm a hippie" thing you can't, you just CAN'T belong to a gym that costs $175 per month.

So she lays down her hemp woven yoga mat and sets her ankle bracelet-ed and toe-ringed feet onto her mat, and begins to meditate. That was her FIRST faux-pas. we do NOT MEDITATE in my class. pfft! who does she think I am? The Dalai Lama?

Then we start class and we begin with Plank pose, which is basically a push-up position, and she immediately comes out of it and just sits there. I figure she has some shoulder injury or an old acid flashback. I walk over to her and just say "do you have an injury?" and she gets all doe-eyed and says "um, well, yes. sort of. I have this knee injury,kind of, but it's PERSONAL."

Uh, What?

Now, if you have scabies, or a hammer toe, a mental disorder, a lazy eye, or... or... a missing testicle, I DO NOT expect you divulge that information because THAT is personal. But leave it to hippie skirt to be all dramatic and mysterious about HER KNEE INJURY. Her KNEE INJURY while she was in PLANK pose, a pose that does not use the knees.

I let her be. plus I couldn't smell her anymore. I was getting dizzy and high off her fumes. She then proceeded to do every other pose that involved knees, even the super hard stuff. hmpphh. Knee Injury my ass. Then whenever she would do a pose, she forgot she was in a corporate owned yoga class, and in a true 'shroom style flashback, thought she was at the improv on interperative dance night.

My regular students started inching their mats away. I've trained them well. (mine is a style of love and acceptance, IF you don't smell and act weird)

Then after class she hovers over me and I can tell she wants to talk. I dread these moments as a teacher. I don't want to TALK to anyone after class. I want to just get my ipod/phone, check my email, and be outta there as fast as possible. (unless you're hot) (or, drew Barrymore)

HER: HI! I was just wondering, my low back has been hurting me a lot, and you said if your low back hurts not to bend forward a lot. Soooooo. you know. is that true?

ME: (curt) uh huh.

HER: yahhhhh, I mean the weird thing IS that I HAVE been bending forward to stretch my back and it's been getting so.much.worse!

ME: (patience. practice patience here. If I don't answer her concisely she will never leave) Well, yah, I'm not a doctor and I have no idea why your back is hurting, but generally speaking for low back pain, bending forward is not the best. (smile, dismissive nod)

HER: WOW! I would have never realized that because my back has been hurting so I guess it was the forward bending! Wow.


soooo. Wow.

ME: yah, so just maybe lay off the double final clearance section at Anthropologie forward bending and see if it helps! (cheerful, hopeful, yet dismissive)

HER: soooo wow! okay! then, so what SHOULD I DO? like, if I'm not bending forward, (as she says this, she demonstrates the forward bend) then what stretches should I do?

ME: (how do I get RID of her?) Umm, you know, some easy back bending would help, like bridge pose.

HER: sooooo WOW! I could just go back! (she giggles, don't know why and then she demonstrates a backbend) like just lean back like this?! (then she contorts herself into something that may break her actual spine)

ME: umm, sure yah, whatever makes it feel better! (one foot out the door...almost there...)

HER: COOL! wow! (still contorting herself backwards) so If I just do less forward bending, (bends forward again) then it should be better! Thanks...I'll try that and see...

ME: (I cut her off) You're WELCOME! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! Oh, and take care of that hallucinogenic drug problem knee injury!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Oh Thank Heaven, for 7-Eleven!

Guess who came to MY class again?


wait for it....

wait for it.....

Okay, it was Drew. AND she actually followed me in the parking lot, RAN to catch up to me, AND said "oh my GOD I'm SO glad you're here! I came on tuesday and it was someone else!"

I wonder if this is what Mother Teresa felt when she won the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not here to brag, I myself am BARELY able to keep my shit together and act normal when she is standing about 2 feet away from me.

THE PROBLEM is that when she came to class the FIRST day, I pulled out all my best moves/sayings. It was like my greatest hits yoga album. And I only have ONE. SO I was scrambling for NEW profound things to say and then I heard myself quoting Cesar Millan and knew I had then crossed the boundaries from "best yoga teacher in my life" to "this chick is a total nut job" So then I just made the class SUPER hard so she'd forget what a dumbass I had been.

Totally other note, I seriously need to lose weight. NOW. I think I may have just crossed over from linebacker status to being able to play John Travolta's role in Hairspray

It's not my fault though. I have been sick for like 4 months. and sick=no work outs+comfort foods=15 more pounds or so. I don't wanna know what the "or so" is just yet. PLUS I never go to NY one month apart. Usually it's like 10 days every 5 months, and when I am in NY I HAVE to go to all my favorite NY food spots that don't exist in LA all in one week. Like...

Cupcakes, bagels (every morning) (just the bagels) (except for when sometimes it's the cupcakes too) Pizza slices, lasagna AND fettucini, hot dogs, chinese dumplings from "the dumpling guy", gelato that is SO good I always get THREE scoops. (in my defense here, it's three flavors that HAVE to go together, so if they made like, ONE flavor that incorporated all three, I would just get one scoop) (riiiightt) and vietnamese bun Xao noodles (I can't even begin to describe these they are SO GOOD!)

And that's just the FIRST 3 days....then I repeat...

SO going to NY that close together was problematic.

PLUS when I ran into 7-eleven tonight to see if they had NY-quil I Tripped over a package of Hostess ZINGERS! There they were, just RIGHT in the middle of the aisle. weird, huh!? I thought they didn't even MAKE those anymore!! SO of course they practically THREW themselves into my arms. And now I'm in fear that every single time I drive by a 7-eleven it's going to be a battle. I used to have 7-eleven issues when they first came out with their version of taquitos (YUMMMMM) I literally would drive to new Jersey on my way to target and I would PLAN on driving by just to get those damn taquitos. And before THAT it was corn nuts. CORN NUTS! I swear, 7-11 is the store for foods that never die.

ah well, it could be worse. i could be going in there to buy me a 40 ouncer of michelob. I mean. that's WORSE, right?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Monday, May 05, 2008

I am 448 months old!!!

I decided to take a last minute trip to NYC and you know, I thought since I was already sick, that HEY! I'll get on a plane and it'll ALL FLY AWAY.


Aside from the fact that I probably infected the entire row 7, A through C, I also decided that WITH a bad cough, I would teach a yoga workshop here. Because TALKING for 2 hours in a row is a GREAT idea when you have asthmatic bronchial death flu.

BUT the upside? is that because I was taking SO much advil & mucinex (seriously a GREAT product, albeit a bit spendy) and Advair (a steroid inhaler for asthmatics and/or 90 yr old chronic smokers) that when I went to get my na na waxed, it didn't even hurt! woooohoooo!

Also, what I love about New York, and it never disappoints, is the way people are with their dogs or kids. Like for instance, at the bagel store this morning, this dad had a screaming child that he was trying to drag out, and someone was all "ohhhhh, what a old are YOU?" and the dad says "twenty five months!"

Okay, for starters, after 23 months, YOU CAN'T SAY YOUR CHILD'S AGE IN MONTHS. It's just really annoying, because you are FORCING people to do math. When a child turns TWO, it is TWO....and until the child is 2 and a HALF can you say ANYTHING else about their two-ness. After TWO, you may only state full years or half years for your child. Now, once the kid is 5 and can speak for itself, THE KID can then answer cute stuff like "I'm five and three quarters" but NOT THE PARENT.

Also, 25 months? really? When does the little precious turn 26 months? does a stranger REALLY care how many MONTHS your kid is? It's like if you have a baby, or a puppy, you can be all "he's 12 weeks old" and after that, there are no more "weeks." You have passed the acceptable time for weeks, so there is no "he's 13 weeks old." Because all of this presumes that WE CARE.

I dunno, it just seemed, ummmm, what's the word....OBNOXIOUS.

And that's the news for today folks!

PS. My precious Mick is 9 months old today!

Friday, May 02, 2008


Of course I woke up with a BAD sore throat....AGAIN. And the chills. waaahaaa. Isn't this THE MOST boring post ever? Okay, but here's this...

Did I ever mention that two weeks ago Drew Barrymore came to my yoga class, and said, and I quote "that was THE BEST class of my entire life?" Yep. Just you all wait until I appear in US weekly as yoga teacher to the stars! THEN my life will be complete. And THEN I can write about cool stuff and not have to post endless gratuitous pictures of my pets.

I have a headache too.

I'm gonna go back to bed now.