Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hello motha. Hello Fatha. Greetings from Camp. Hiawatha.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
- Miss Piggy

I've had enough. I just enrolled for fat camp. One whole week. Aug 22. I might die of no TV. I'm SURE they don't have tv there. I got a private room just in case. So I can at least have netflix streaming...wait, they better have wifi! I'm sure I'll be sneaking into the regular people's spa getaways for any wayward gourmet snacks left behind. I wonder if they search your luggage? I hope it's not all like lock down rehab. I mean, not that I've been to rehab. But I HAVE been in lockdown. Aka, juvie.

But Juvie wasn't all that bad. Bible camp. Now THAT was bad. {shiver} Yah. It's true. I was once a Jesus Jammer. I bought Jesus friendly rock albums. I was a "Job's Daughter" aka Jobie. I was a regular in Young Life (does that even exist still?) I went to Bible camp at least 3 different summers. Maybe even more. I was undefeated in the bible verse memorizing championships. I spent an entire summer working in my Uncle's Bible Bookstore in Tyler, Texas....stealing Bibles and Precious moments figurines to give to my bible campy friends. My last summer at Bible camp I was 16 and my friend and I snuck into the cabins during morning vespers to steal the camp counselors' ID's so we could get into bars when we got home.

It was never meant to be, me and the Jesus. I think what you should NEVER teach children is how no matter what you do, Jesus will forgive you, cuz that's all I took away from a lifetime of sunday school. That I could be really bad, and at say, 80 or so, I could beg for forgiveness and all would be well! No one paid more attention to 'the prodigal's son' story more than me!

wait. where was I? Oh yah. fat camp. yah. so I haven't been to camp since my holy roller days. I fully expect that nothing has changed and that even if I am approaching 40, I will probably still be breaking into the kitchen madly hunting for chocolate ganache.

So, pray for me, children of Israel, that I may be lead to the garden of apple fritters during my stay at fat camp. Because I am already in such a panic that I am planning my entire saturday around getting to the newly opened LA outpost of Magnolia Bakery to beat the crowds and get my 2 cupcakes and banana pudding and key lime cheesecake all before it has to end on that fateful day of Aug. 22.

I would beg for God's mercy right about now, but I still have those stolen Bibles to repent for, and I'm not 80 yet. So you guys pray FOR me k?

gotta get to the bakery church.....

Friday, July 23, 2010

more hassle than birthing a kid.

It all started with one email.

Be sure to bring these items with you:
• A valid, government-issued photo ID
• Your Social Security number
• A debit or credit card
*your right eyeball
*proof of American citizenship (arizona only)
*SAT score
*Notarized letter from President of the Unites States stating you are worthy of owning iphone 4

honestly it was downhill BEFORE that email, whence I had to sign up for the damn phone and get on their "waiting list" where you had to GO INTO the store itself, whereupon (see how I'm actually USING my english degree here?) a high and mighty "genius" put you on a waiting list by going to the mac website and adding my name. Something EASILY done at home. But no. They make you work for it.

Long story longer...
Had to pay $60 IN SALES TAX. On a $199 phone. hmmmmm. That's some FUNNY MATH
Found out AFTER I got home that my operating system doesn't meet the precious baby's "requirements"
New operating system is $169
Purchased said operating system...My computer doesn't have enough memory for said operating system.

OBVIOUSLY I returned the phone, right? RIGHT?!?!

I feel like one of those ladies whose boyfriends beat them up every friday night after they've lost their paychecks on black jack and bud light and I'm all "but he LOVES ME. He'll change eventually. HE SAID HE WILL!!!"

The shame.

But hey. call me! face time!

oh. and ps. the phone barely even works as a phone. I now need to get a "bumper" for the baby so I don't drop every call. What's next? an i-bjorn carrier?

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Ms. Hannigan was seriously misunderstood.

I get that now. She was no evil villain! What the story neglects to tell you is how Ms. Hannigan had to spend YEARS dealing with TEEN girls. They don't SHOW that part in the movie. They don't SHOW how HORRIFIC Annie would have been during puberty! I mean, she was a REDHEAD! Can you even imagine the torture she would have endured when Annie turned, say, 19!?

OF COURSE she hated little girls cuz she KNEW that they grow up to be money sucking, time sucking, blood sucking black holes in the universe. NO WONDER they love vampire stuff so much! it's in their NATURE.

Seriously someone needs to do the untold Ms. Hannigan story. I gotta say I am MORE than ready to take a bath of cheap vodka too! I totally GET HER!

Long story short. Tslave high tailed it back home on tues. She "couldn't take the pressure." THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!....of getting a job. That just really got to her, ya know? That whole working thing? She said, in between sobs, and I quote "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I CAN'T WAKE UP EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. SICK TO MY STOMACH! THAT I HAVE TO GET A JOBBBBBBBBB!!!!"

I can't even type in enough caps on that one. We need a double caps key for teen speak alone.

Buying a car for a 19 yr old who was going to pay half the payment? Yah. we all knew THAT was a bad idea to begin with.

I don't get teens today. I was NEVER like that! I worked from 15 on. AND, parking tickets aside, I was basically PERFECT. (I think if you live anywhere in Northern California you maybe just heard an old man named Larry choke to death)

Well, I still have the sister. but she's 20. I think that makes some sort of difference. She shed a tear or two when Tslave got on the plane. But as soon as she got back into what is now HER brand new car, those tears dried up fast. I suspect they were less "tears" and more 'bausch and lomb'.

I'm gonna go take a double vodka bubble bath now!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Well, it's a start, and That's good enough for me!

I have had such a stressful/annoying/busy couple of weeks. I've got blogs. yes. I do. But for now, this made me smile and relax for the first time in DAYS! Enjoy!