This is what passes as Christmas in my house this morning.
I spent the whole of Christmas Eve making our Grandmother's secret toffee recipe with my Aunt and my awesome cousin (we talked all night about family secrets and she told me lots of stuff about my dad)(ooooh boy do I KNOW STUFF)
I made A LOT of toffee. Like, A LOT A LOT. So, in contrast to my starvation diet, here's EXACTLY what I ate yesterday.
Two choc croissants and double mocha =Breakfast
Large iced mocha at the mall=morning snack
half box of the BEST mini gingerbread cookies from trader joes=lunch
undisclosed amount of toffee=dinner....carried over to breakfast NOW!
I'm just glad Dr. Drew doesn't do food rehab. woo ee!
AM about to leave for airport where I will then eat toffee on the plane whilst my seat neighbors eat their peanuts. I am SO excited to see what Santa left for me at my parent's house! It BETTER BE GOOD! (I'm looking at YOU dad)
So, MERRY CHRISTAMS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD FLIGHT! (ha! again. made that one up on the fly!)(get it..fly...FLY! HA!)
Friday, December 25, 2009
This is what passes as Christmas in my house this morning.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I was stuck in traffic coming home from Santa Monica. And LO, there to my left my wandering eyes did see....The most amazing lights EVER. Luckily I was in non-moving traffic, otherwise I mighta wrecked. My first thought was "wait. did I make a wrong turn at Disneyland?"And then I realized it was The LA Mormon Temple.
Verily. I was in awe.
Now, say what you will about the Mormons, But these guys can..
and C. DE-CO-RATE!!
(the Mormon Religion is the Martha Stewart of religions)
Also. I lived in Salt lake for 6 yrs or so (whatever time it was that took me to graduate college) and I probably saw THOSE Christmas lights every year. And let me just tell you that LA Mormon Temple Lights kick Salt Lake Temple lights ASS!
These pics don't even do it justice AT ALL. I tried taking iphone pics but they are laughably lame. And it's not just that there were pretty lights....they were all artistic. The palm trees looked like fireworks. And one GIANT tree looked like a hot air balloon.
See? we can all get a holiday lesson out of this. We seem to be obsessed with all the ways in which different religions DISagree with each other. But, I ain't no scientist or nuthin', but I bet if we were to do a pie chart and power point presentation, we would find that the religions of the world have MORE stuff in common than not.
So, I say, TIS THE SEASON to look at the similarities!
Let's go back to decorating, for instance. The Catholics can really tear up a Cathedral ceiling or two. And they really do make a mean fountain. And the protestants, well, I SUPPOSE if you were really into crystal, the you'd agree that the crystal cathedral is beautiful.
(I guess)(if you're into tammy faye)(and you used to watch a lot of Dynasty)
Now, the buddhists can REALLY decorate a garden. And what is more beautiful than the decorated Pagan Christmas tree? And the Jews?
Okay, not so much. But they have REALLY good deli food!! SO, that counts.
See how much we can appreciate stuff from ALL religions?! (except those crazy Scientology freaks! I mean, ALIENS? REALLY?)
HAHA! Juuuuuuuuuust Kidding! (kinda)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
There is just NOTHING, I mean NOTHING that puts me in better holiday spirits than when I walk out of the grocery store after working AND taking a neurotic spin class only to have some crazy perky hippie yell at me "DO you have a moment for starving abused orphaned children?!?!?!"
Just wish they'd come to MY neighborhood.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Ummmm. Is there a REASON? A REAL REASON? For women to stand in the gym locker room with a towel around their waist covering their girly bits BUT naked from the waist up?! REALLY? You need to blow dry your hair with Gagney and Lacey hanging around? While you style your bangs? Would a bra REALLY be so stifling? I mean COME ON! You're not a hippie feminist when you go to the most expensive meat market gym in all of So Cal. And Heads up...it's the LADIES LOCKER ROOM. We don't care. We don't wanna see your BOOB JOB bouncing around while you flat iron your extensions. It makes getting to the bathroom stalls a mine field. I just don't GET it. I just wanna know why? And you don't seem to be in any hurry. You guys MEANDER around.
I hate the gym. It's the devil's lair. THIS is what happens in purgatory. I'm sure of it. It's a fiery pit treadmills, trainers, and naked boob jobs. I'd think twice about 'bearing false witness' and 'honoring thy mother and father' from now on. HEED MY WARNING!
Friday, December 11, 2009
I just ate dinner at a French restaurant. WHY aren't the French super fat? WHY?!? I have been on the starvation diet* (patent pending) for 7 weeks and 3 days....but who's counting? I think we ordered just about everything on the menu. You think I'm exaggerating? We took that place down faster than Jean Val Jean can steal a loaf of bread! Voila!
Speaking of bread..OH THE BREAD THERE!!! It was all like pretty leaves, and...and...it came with the best butter in the history of all butters and it was SOFT, not all hard...
I have to go pass out now. WIne was involved too. Besides. I have to REdecorate my house tomorrow....SOMEone decided to buy fancy new LED lights for the outside trees...And now Scully and Mulder are staking the place.
I'm thinking it's less "born in a manger" and more "delivered by aliens into the manger"
Monday, December 07, 2009
It's LIKE the Oprah show. Only BETTER! (If by better you mean the gifts are WAY more creative and you won't get any for free)
I know you've all been waiting! After last's year's pure genius gifting tips Here you go...
Suddenly there will be no more trips to the dentist where he's all "do you floss everyday?" and you're all YAH! for SURE! EVERYDAY! And then he cleans your teeth and you bleed like an extra on Law & order. Cuz you WILL floss with this! (PS...now you know my secret to the starvation diet. I have the truffle and chili fries version too!)
I just think this is really sweet This is my Other favorite
SOAPSICLES! AND they DON'T DISCRIMINATE
SO cute RIght?
Also? This is a NECESSITY in SOME households. I'll use it as a GUIDE when I go home for Christmas.
THIS one is called "the poof." Be careful relatives...I'm on to you!
WHAT the heck is better than....GINGERBREAD YOGA FATTY'S!
(I'm pretty sure this is EXACTLY what I look like when I do yoga.)
(ps. I think the warrior 1 gingerbread man is a little light in the loafers if you know what I mean)
(pps. NOT that that's bad. Gay Gingers have their rights too!)
(although a TRUE gingerbread nellie would NEVER sport a pot-belly like that)
This site also has the cutest mini gingerbread houses. Most of you guys are pretty crafty...so this is more of an idea for you to make yourself. I, however would have to BUY them, else mine would be more of a mini gingerbread crack house in need of an EXTREME home mini-makeover.
For your inner stepford wife. You can wear this while you make your mini gingerbread houses....APRON
...OR this gingerbread MANSION/CASTLE/FORTRESS Bundt Cake Pan
I'd like to see the fruitcake that comes outta this bad boy!
For the Middle Eastern/American in your life? I just NEVER know what to get them. UNTIL NOW
Hmmmm....baseball cap? Turban? baseball cap. turban. Which to chose??? WAIT! I know!
I think this is the BEST idea. Also just fun. Now, if only they'd have a Sharipe monthly delivery! Oh well, we'll just have to useCOLORED PENCIL DELIVERY for now.
And for the writer in your life? (And by "writer" I mean like, "writing" the grocery list) WHo wouldn't want a SPACE PEN? WHO?! This pen was invented for NASA. It writes upside down, under water, over grease, in freezing cold, boiling heat, and in outer space! Gives your to-do list more TA-DA! (hahaha! I made that up. God I'm good)
Have a coffee lover in your life? Tired of giving them a mug? (cuz let me tell you they're tired of GETTING mugs)(I've heard) Now, THIS PRESENT would go even better with a brand new espresso machine plugged into it! It may be illegal to talk on your cell in the car...but It's not illegal to make espresso! HA!
Ah. Remember how we used to ride our bikes around the
gated communityhood with a giant boombox on the handlebars, blaring New Kids or Morrisey? Well, NOW there's THIS And JUST as loud!! And don't worry you older readers, I'm SURE it fits nicely on a hov-a-round or a walker.
And don't worry...you can still LOOK oldschool
LOVE this product. For when you want to frame someone you LOVE....without the commitment. I mean, you never know when hubby's gonna forget your ben & Jerry's one night. It's a nice reminder that he is but a mere thumbtack away from extinction!
Ever cooking, say, spaghetti and you're all "I just WISH I had some fresh basil!" Well wish no more my friends. The answer is right at the tip of your fingers....or forehead. Gives a whole new meaning to "hanging plant."
We're all headed here anyway...so may as well get the lovely single girl in your life one to start her off. (THANK GOD they don't make a "crazy dog lady" one. phew!)
These are SUPER fun for decorating. My favorite is the "faux China" but I spent MANY hours on this site going through them all. I especially LOVE this site because it gives me ideas so I can pester my "vinyl machine owning" friends to replicate! (Dede...I'm looking at you)
Lookin' to Spice things up in the kitchen? Get it? spice? SPICE? chuck chuck. K, fine. I would get all excited about these. Just FIND me a lady who doesn't love a good jar/lid combo!
And here is some HOPE-IN-A-JAR! It could only be made better if it came with a side of nutella...hmmmmm...
Rain Rain....Don't go away....
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Ok. Ok. I am here. I deeply apologize to all of my fans and followers and worshippers for being gone for so long. I mean, people have been in an UPROAR about this. Sending me FB messages, texts, threatening emails...begging me, pleading with me, screaming at me to write a post!!
maybe one person commented "where are you?"
Either way. I'm HEEEEEEEEEre.
It's VERY difficult to write anything when you are starving. See, the starvation diet, though VERY successful, doesn't bode well for writing. Why? because it's a full-time job! I have been doing nothing else but my starvation diet and working out. ANd then when I get home I am too weak/tired to do ANYTHING but watch The City and The Hills. Seriously, I have to take supplements just to get through the thought provoking 'Gossip Girl.'
Oh, and when I go to post and I have to re-sign in? oh no. I just don't have the energy to type my entire username and password. THAT would require at least 100 more calories per day.
So, today? I had an extra shot of espresso and two, yes TWO slices of toast. So I am ALL amped up and ready to write!
So let's back this truck up!, shall we?
PREQUEL to Thanksgiving
I figured out the secret to life this week. Seriously. Pull up a chair, put your feet up, get your bi-focals and TAKE NOTES....This is guaranteed to CHANGE.YOUR.LIFE.
If you're anything like me, you TOTALLY roll your eyes in complete disgust/mystery when you hear people saying crazy stuff like "I'm running the turkey trot!" on Thanksgiving morning. Or, "I'll be right over for dinner AFTER I run the 2,000k triathalon this morning! Gotta work up an appetite!!"
I usually want to scalp these people, as I'm sure our indian ancestors would have done.
AND VERILY IT CAME TO PASS....
THIS year I decided I would do a spin class TG morning. A 50 minute hard class with my ONLY favorite teacher. Had he not been teaching I would NEVER had entertained such a hideous plan. The plan WAS I would go to this 9am class and be home a little after 10, cook some, set the table, clean the house, etc.
Ever heard the phrase "wanna make God laugh? Make plans."
Pre-prequel: fellow fitness instructors are NOT allowed to take classes that are full. And this spin class was FULL. You sign up 26 hrs in advance and it is usually full in seconds, which often means that people have to set their alarms at 4 am the PREVIOUS day just to wake up and sign up for a spin class. (spin people have serious issues)(but not me!) But the instructor became the man he is from coming to MY classes, so he said he would sneak me in. I wore a hat and sunglasses and everything. Over the top? perhaps. But look who DIDN'T get fired!
Back to the main story...(and I use the term story very VERY loosely here)
I'm all up on my bike, incognito, minding my own business when I hear the instructor-previously-known-as-my-friend say "OKAY FOLKS! BLAH BLAH BLAH INSPIRATIONAL TALK BLAH BLAH.......NINETY MINUTES!"
My head spins around to see if anyone ELSE is confused. They are. Panicked. We all look around as he maniacally laughs, as he says, drunken with power, "Yah! That's right. NINE. O. And if you aren't staying that long please leave because there are people here waiting for a bike!"
SO. NO one left. AND, I was trapped. I certainly couldn't leave because the guy is my friend and he risked his JOB for me.
How do I find myself in these situations? HOW?
And HERE my friends, the story comes full circle. Because THIS is what will forever change your holidays as you know it.
The spin class? PURE brilliance. Sure, I couldn't walk. BUT, I got out of any and ALL cooking. AND My friends were so impressed/guilty that they were all "NO...you sit down. What do you want to drink. We'll bring the food out. Just sit." And "NO, we'll do the clean-up...you've done enough!"
NOW I know why people do Turkey Trots and marathons and what-not on holidays. I will no longer snicker behind their backs and roll my eyes and call them psychotic exercise-a-holic idiots on my blog. I will now just wink in conspiracy because I KNOW. I KNOW YOUR TRICK!
Here is something I don't love. Seeing giant rat traps in the parking lot of my favorite restaurant. hmmmm.
Here is something ELSE I don't love. I took yoga at a new studio. In the middle of class I smelled baking. Pastry smells. Cookies. And it got stronger and stronger. I was DYING. When I got outside I looked around. Let me tell you the line-up.
PinkBerry. Baskin Robbins. Yoga studio. 'Crumbs' cupcake bakery. For real. Not going back. (for yoga anyway)
Okay. I just burned up my daily calories typing. I'm getting dizzy. Time for another tic-tac!