Sunday, February 28, 2010

Oh, L'amour ees een ze air!

People seem to have spring fever. Even here in LA, where it is endlessly springtime. I had to dig out my super stealth camera skillz to photograph this guy at B&N.

In case you can't make it out....his book title is How to make anyone fall in love with you* I mean. Check out his red suit! What's not to love??

I also got an email this morning from my friend...she thinks she's VERY funny...the subject line read "FWD: How Your dog can help you find love." This made me laugh because I have had dogs for 12 yrs...and...I got nuthin. THESE TWO Clearly are NOT earning their very expensive keep.

The "article" says "It may be a little-known fact among singles, but the truth is this: People are more likely to talk to you if you’re with a dog than if you’re alone."

Uh yah.

Sadly, what it fails to mention is that guys like THIS never come your way when you have a dog.

Mostly, THIS is what you get at the dogpark. It's THESE guys who wanna talk to you.

Yah. That whole "meet a hot guy at the dogpark" thing is a MYTH. It's a GOOD day if most the men in there are straight AND have all their teeth.

I've probably given up because today. on this gorgeous spring day, did I TRY to hang out with my dogs in the park in high hopes of catching a cute guy? uh uh. I spent the day making my porch all paris-garden-tuilleries-esque!

This may not seem like much to anyone who is handy in the garden. But I am not. I didn't even have a hand shovel to pot my new flowers. I used a big soup spoon. whatever.

THEN I was soooo proud of my new spring flower planting self that I went to snag the love of my life.

I mean, the DOGS aren't working on getting me a husband. Maybe these will. But who cares? They'll look GREAT for spring brunches!! (I know they're pricey, BUT when u think about it, WAY less than a few therapy sessions on 'why I'm still single')(and also? can one REALLY put a price tag on love? REALLY?)

And last but not least, spring fever has come upon Mick too.

*NO! I did NOT run down and buy that book**

**And, NO! I did NOT order it on Amazon!***

***But I maybe did browse through it, just to see if there was a chapter on shoes.****

****AND's hoping that the dog/shoe/book combo will work!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Dental. Mental. One letter difference. Coincidence? I think not.


"like jewels on a crown, the precious stones glittered in the Queen's round metal hat"
-jack handy

I had to get a crown today. No. Not the good kind.

I had to get get the OLD LADY kind, in your mouth. The kind OLD PEOPLE have to get. When their teeth have rotted out. The kind that cost many many jewels in the form of credit card debt. The kind that are actually MORE expensive than a regular old british crown.

Now i have to "be careful" when eating stuff cuz pretty soon stuff like "OOH! I broke my crown" or "oh, i can't eat THAT! It'll loosen my crown!" will be coming out of my mouth, right along with "ooops, left my trifocals in my Premier Safety Tub!"

My mouth is still all numb and gross.

But hey! The shade is a lot whiter than my actual young-person-teeth. So, THIS is my new dazzling smile....

.....except only one lone WHITE molar. In the back. To the left. Like a ray of sunshine BEAMING right at ya.

I'm sure I'll dazzle you when I see you in person.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Mommy Dearest


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family.... in another city
- George Burns

My mother has been giving me the silent treatment. She has refused to call me since Nov. This is pretty typical. And I gotta say that it's a RELIEF in a way, because she has the tendency to call me like, 5 times a day, and if I don't return her call within the hour I will PAY! OH YES I WILL.

But I've known for a while that I needed to call her soon, if only to get back into the will. I mean, I'm not getting any younger and I have no 401k. soooo, you know. (though my therapist did point out to me awhile back that expecting an inheritance from my mom? well, I'd have better chances with the lottery)

I finally called her yesterday and with gritted teeth listened to her crazy rants about how spoiled and bratty and ungrateful her kids are and how when we were younger she should have had us go live on a mountain with the monks.

uh huh.

And you know how I know that things are all patched up? My phone started ringing this morning at 9am. 10am. 11am. I WISH there were a way to post voice mails. Here's a sample..

9am. HI HONEY! It's mom! CALL me at home at (555)888-8888. okay. that's all. I'll be at home. CALL ME!
(she tells me her phone number EVERY TIME. The phone number we've had since I was a child)(WITH area code nonetheless)

10am. {my full name} IT'S YOU MOTHER!! I've been calling you ALL MORNING. Why can't you call me back. I need to TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT. CALL ME AT HOME. (555)888-8888

11am. You know, I'm really sick of calling you. I've been calling for a couple of days now. I don't appreciate you not calling back. If you can't talk just call me and TELL me you can't talk and that you'll call me later and that will be fine! (yah RIGHT!) But not calling for days makes me worried about you and IT'S RUDE! CALL. ME. AT. (555)888-8888.

CALGON! Take me away! (you might have to be in your late thirties to know that reference)

Oh, and you know what the "important" thing was? Asking me to call my niece (she's not speaking to my ungrateful brat brother either) so I can see if she would like an Asian 'American Girl' doll because "well, she lives in the country in Utah, I just don't know if she'd like an asian doll!

My brother is SO LUCKY she's not speaking to him. sigh.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Remember My new renter, Lynn? Well, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago and today she trapped me. I was innocently minding my own beeswax reading blogs, when she creeps up behind me and says....

HER: I can work on your ankle today. I have 20 mins free.

BitchyThoughts: oh GREAT. Think of an excuse. fast!

ME: oh! uh, yah! that's so nice of you. Um, GREAT! So, like, NOW?

HER: yah!

...two mins later.....

HER: Now close your eyes. breathe innnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuut. I'm just going to 'read' your leg.

BitchyThoughts: HA! Hope my leg has a great twist ending for ya.

HER: Now, I want you to mentally release your Tibia. (pause) Go ahead. RELEASE your Tibia! YES! YES!! There! I felt it release! gooooooooooood. good job!

BitchyThoughts: Huh? where's the tibia?

HER: Wow. Your body is SO responsive. You are SO in tune. I can just FEEL your bones shifting everytime I tell you to. Do you feel it? Do you FEEEEEEL the difference in your bones? I can TOTALLY feel that shift!

BitchyThoughts: huh. interesting. can you FEEEEEEEEL my eyes rolling to the back of my skull?

HER: okay, now just send the intention to your ankle, your whole LEG, say " I am the truth and I will live that truth whatever that truth manifests in the truth and light truth!"

HER: okay! That's it! Now! How do you feel? Your Ankle feel WAY better?

ME: YAH! YAH!!! WOW! uh, YAH!

BitchyThoughts: uh, no.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Today's not lookin' good.

I very rarely protest anything.

Well, all right, I do protest the hippies, Paris Hilton, and Apple on a regular basis.

But NOW! Now, I have to voice my well-fought-for women's liberation! (Thanks Rosie the Riveter!)(You crazy little lesbian, you!) I must put my foot down on the atrocity that is...

Home depot. Satan's home on earth.

There is not a store I detest MORE. Not even LAMPS PLUS (which I really hate ALL the lamps NEED to be on? At the same time? In the ENTIRE store?) Not even Whole Foods. (I have a love/hate with WF. HATE the people. Love the pretty pretty aisles. HATE the hypocrisy...Organic "california medley" vegetables....from China??)

Wait. Where was I?

Oh yah. I have to go to Hell Depot to buy paint today. These are the times I say to myself "WHY? WHY did you squander your youth on work and travel because THIS IS WHY YOU NEED A HUSBAND/LESBIAN LOVER!"

Just typing about this makes me wanna cry. Walking in there makes me feel like a Whore in church. Like I am being judged by the smug tool people "you're not HANDY enough to be in here"

I can avoid this place MOST of the time because I can usually find whatever man-tool-type-thing at target. And THAT's a store who has a Woman's needs in mind. Their tools and what not are way more girly. I once bought a "tool kit" from there. It was SO CUTE. And all the tools were kinda mini-tools. In the cutest little plastic case. And I was SO proud when, for the first time, a guy friend was trying to fix something and said "do you have a screwdriver" and I excitedly and proudly sad YES! YES I DO!!" and ran to get it. When I handed it over, he did a double take and laughed and said "THIS? is a screwdriver?? No, I mean a REAL screwdriver." whatever.

K, where was I?

Oh yah. The belly of the beast. I mean, it would take SO LITTLE to make this place desirable. A candy Aisle? A Hello Kitty tool center? A magazine rack at the front. With US weekly, NOT Man & Hammer or whatever.

You know what? I can't even finish this post. I am too stressed. Any man-girls out there who wanna go for me?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

TEXT "SAVE HYDRANGEA" to 99951 to send $5 NOW!!!


"Help. Us!"

I stand corrected.

I heard the Whole Foods flower ad again today. I mis-quoted. What the ad said was "...the flowers are raised ethically." Which makes WAY more sense really. I mean, I've heard that ethics on the flower farms have PLUNGED since the Bush/Cheney Admin. Sadly, the Lilacs have gone the way of AIG and from what I understand, those A-hole Snapdragons received MILLIONS in holiday bonuses, while the Bouganvilla lost their life savings. And their homes....driving the price of Miracle-Gro through the roof!!

NOT to mention the fact that those Pansies STILL can't marry!

What is the world coming to when even the FLOWER fields have no morals?!? I think we'd better start sending the missionaries to the Rose Parade to preach the gospel. We have to do SOMEThing!!

"Our 401k's are gone. GONE!"

"We were TORN from our homes!"

"YAH? Well, Everything AIN'T comin' up roses! Screw YOU George Dubya! You AND your "ethics!"

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

just in case you missed it....

I'm sure everyone on the planet has seen this commercial. But I didn't. Until just now. So if you too, are one of the tens of people who doesn't even KNOW when the superbowl is, then you're welcome!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

My life is too boring for a blog title

Ooooo eeeee. Boy is my family embroiled (I've always wanted to use that word) in some DEEEEEE-RAMA! I support them all. Peace. love. happiness. manifest.

I'm just glad that FOR ONCE it ain't me. NOT ONLY is it NOT me, but it's the 'child-formerly-known-as-favorite.' I just want to point out to my family readers....really, let's NOW talk about the value of a college degree? eh? eh? Not all it's cracked up to be. eh? Maybe SOMEONE shouldn't have received a brand new jeep for their 16th birthday. I'm just sayin'.

NEW TANGENT: I heard an ad on the radio for Whole Foods. I HATE WF. And this just made me hate them more. It went like this ....."and our floral selection comes from sustainable cruel free flower farms so you can feel good about giving your sweetheart roses this Valentine's day!"

Yes.Yes. I would HATE to send flowers from those irresponsible farms where they beat the hell outta the rhodedendrons. Or make underage freesia slave for 14 hrs a day.

I re-discovered Netflix. They now have it where you can instantly watch movies/tv shows online AND you can get them through the mail. SO, yesterday was me. In my room. Laptop on lap. Watching TEN HOURS of the first season of Law & Order. My renters don't think I'm a weirdo at all.

I also discovered OHMYGOD! Seriously. They have all my favorite crap I buy at Target BUT no tax, free shipping, and costs LESS than Target to begin with! Oh, AND if you transfer prescriptions to them, you get like a $50 credit.

In the past 3 days I have received two boxes of stuff from them. And the box says DRUGSTORE.COM all over them. So, my renters now think I sit in my room, prob. watching porn all day, all doped up. I'm glad I can represent LA. woop! woop!

LOVE THESE, THIS and REALLY LOVE THIS and How cute is this packaging?!?!

I feel like I MAYBE need a hobby. One that involves not-the-mall. I need to re-socialize. My one and only friend in LA, the one I have been hanging out with like everyday for the past 9 months went back to work :( So now my only "friends" are the valet guys at The Grove. They're nice and all. But after the "would you like your car washed today ma'am?" our relationship seems a bit unbalanced. Basically, I need to be around more people who I don't have to tip.

Can more of you move to LA?! Anyone? Anyone?

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Manifest Monday! or Tuesday....


"I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let's not rush into things."
THIS GUY who has the best 'tweets' EVER

It's a GORGEOUS day today! This is why I love rain. Because the next sunny day is clear and fresh. So, today. I will actually leave my blanket and head to the office. What I love about "my office" is that it's across the street from Target. Where I could, you know, get another blanket toilet paper or other such necessities on my "lunch break."

Part of the reason I've been missing, as it were, is because I have been reading a ton of good books/there have been SO many reality show premiers the last couple of weeks. And let me tell YOU...reading a book about the back maids in Mississippi in 1964 in between Millionaie Matchmaker is no easy feat! But i will say, does provide great juxtaposition. By the way, that book is INCREDIBLE. And hilarious. And genius.

Also this month I get TWO new renters. I am basically the new Ralph Ferley, running a boarding house tenement.

Up this month is a 66 yr old retired dance instructor. Her name is Lynn. She's also a not-so-retired hippie. She normally lives in Portland but is here b/c her son and daughter-in-law are having their first baby (awwww) This morning I was saying how I always wanted to live in the pac/northwest and she says "well, you just have to put it out there to the universe and it will manifest if it's meant to be"

oh boy.

And in the other corner we have Eileen and her showbiz kid. I said yes to them for pure entertainment value. They're here to get the kid famous etc. God I hope he gets cast in SOME kind of reality show. Mr producer friend says I'm really "in for it" living with a stage mom! YAY! this blog is about to get good! Let's manifest that!

Basically, with grandma, mom and kid, we are The Waltons...minus granpa. And John boy. But We'll just call showbiz kid john boy. Especially since I forget his name. Brian? Bob? huh.

Well, All I ned to know is "good night john boy!"