Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!!

I am so sick I want to DIE.

I have been reduced to shuffling around the house carrying my 'airborne' mug around in one hand, the remote control and my codiene cough syrup in another. My cough is so deep that when an attack comes on I pee a little. (i just wanted you to KNOW the severity here) I've gone through an entire sleeve of airborne but it's not working cuz I think this kind of disease HAD to be 'spit-borne'

I have watched OS many episodes Of Law & Order Criminal Intent and SVU that I am but a mere 9 millimeter glock pistol away from being a pee smelling serial killer.

This is My typical New year actually. Let's just go over it.


I FINALLY was invited to spend the night on the rose parade route by my very first boyfriend Walter. We weren't QUITE bf/gf yet, but I knew that the 'night on the route' would seal the deal. Walter was cute and funny and kinda short. I was finally gonna be "cool" I had spent my entire youth lying about spending the night on the parade route, and now I didn't have to lie! It was gonna be a GOOD year!

Enter my big oafy football playing brother who was WAY into his college years. Clearly trying to relive his youth trolling the route for beer and chicks with his other oafy football gang, all drunk and grunting. I almost died when I saw them lumbering down the street. I was sober enough to know this was BAD. Walter was already pretty "wasted" (dude)

As I am cringing in my lawn chair, hiding under my big blonde bangs, I hear a big drunken "WHAT THE HELL U DOIN WITH MY SISTER HUH!?!?!?" Walter wasn't quick enough in his state, as Craig Lifted him up in a bear hug kinda way and I swear Walter peed his pants. He didn't know what hit him. He didn't even know WHO it was. Then Craig plopped him down while his football buddies were all hooping and whooping and grunting and laughing so hard they were giggling like little school girls. Walter was still terrified. He looked at me for support. Which is when my brother put a big fat paw fist into his arm and said "hey man, just jokin' with ya, I'm craig....Kristi's brother. nice to meet you man. hey...I think I made you piss your pants, uh?! uh!?"

Walter never recovered.


I was living in Stockton CA. You've never heard of it. Just leave it at that. I went over to my dad's house, having NOTHING else to do. My little brother Derwood was there, as was my sister and the rest of the fam. they all went to bed. Derwood and I wanted to do SOMETHING more festive than bed, after all we were young and CLEARLY the hippest most normal of the family (we still ARE) But alas, there was still nowhere to go. So we rooted around the Videos for a movie or something. What we found were my little sister's MENUDO and New Kid's on the Block videos.

We were VERY excited about this. we ran to the kitchen to make mint cookie milkshakes, and hunkered down for an evening of Spanish Music videos. We watched We laughed so hard, I was spitting mint shake out my nose. We even attempted some dance moves. We were up till dawn, and then crashed.

That was my favorite New Year's EVER. We made a pact to do it again EVERY year. Our Mexican New Year tradition. Of course, life moves on and children grow up, and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when you comin' home son, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, yah, I know we'll have a good time then...bam, ba bam bam bam.


I decided that THIS was the year I would lOVE New Year's. I was living in NYC. I was gonna go to paris, or or London, or or, Italy! I was gonna do something fun and outrageous.

I went to Utah. yes, utah.

I decided to try and relive the ONE happy new year with Derwood, and go to Salt Lake, party with college friends, and then on New Years Day I was going to learn to snowboard with Derwood!!!! Wooo. FUN! Innovative! This was the stuff memories are MADE of!

I flew out there the day before and immediately got SICK. SO sick. Sick like how I am now, only running snot everywhere and a massive fever.

Not wanting to bring My little brother down, I told him to go ahead to his party and maybe I'd be better in the morning. I ended up on my friend rebecca's couch, alone, freezing with chills, watching the stupid ball drop in Manhattan, the fireworks over the thames river, the light show on the eiffel tower. i couldn't even get up to go back home into bed.

Well, anyways, Darrin got SO drunk at his party that he wouldn't have snowboarded the next morning anyway, or the next, or the next....he sure had outgrown those mint cookie milkshakes!


I decided to drive from NYC to Wash party with my best friend Joe. His friend Paul had scored us an invite to some great club in the hip DC area and we got to go for FREE because Paul's friend needed people to hand out the champagne filled glasses right before midnight. Sounded like a sweet deal.

Except it was an ALL GAY party. And yes, I still arrived hopeful, because all the gay guys said "oh yah, but ton's of het's go there on New Years! TONS!"


I was SURROUNDED by the hottest guys in the city. who were ALLLL gay. AND Joe was doing NOTHING but trying to hook up with his new love interest. I was invisible. and trapped. My hair was all dyed and straightened. I looked cute and had on my cute party face. But after an hour or so I just kept kickin' back the free drinks until almost midnight arrived and we had to pass out trays of VERY TALL glasses filled with champagne. our only job.

They started handing me trays and I was so drunk, and in "stacked heeled" boots, and it was SO crowded, that i kept spilling EVERY.SINGLE.TRAY. I did not even hand out one single glass, because I dropped a good 5 trays and then that was it.

I walked home ALONE in DC, with my Light-up Top had that was still blinking 2002 and watched tv while eating reese's puffs cereal, still drunk.

I could go on.

But I'm too sick to type anymore and Goren & Eames are on and it's one that I HAVEN'T already seen.

So, you know, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

happy new years eve eve

I am sick....again. But LUCKILY there is a new year's eve eve law & order svu marathon on. and it's been on

This is my general M.O. for New Year's. I have been sick like, every other year. Maybe it's cuz I hate New Year's. I dunno...back to Stabler and benson and Ice-T.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I hate today....

December 26th sucks. Why?

Because it's THE VERY LAST acceptable day to listen to Christmas songs. And it's pushing it at that. No more Josh Groban (you can't listen to him in real life unless you're A/gay and/or B/middle aged.

No More Clay Aiken (same as above, except just gay)(actually, even my gay friends would be insulted by this)

No More Chimpunks Christmas song.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Monday, December 24, 2007



YAY! I LOVE today. I am READY. Woke up early, ready to clean this crack house (looks like it anyway) Actually i should leave all the stuffed animal batting that litters every room of my house and pretend it's "snow". ANd then maybe hang the fleece carcasses on the tree. you know, ornaments!

In my shopping expeditions, I stumbled in this merry bag from my favorite store

I mean, Barney's? Green? like green as in "earth friendly?" I'm not sure hocking Prada is Earth friendly, but of it is? Then YAY me! I support a GREEN environment!!!!

Happy GREEN holidays!!! Momma needs a new pair of "green" shoes!!! woohooo!

Saturday, December 22, 2007


Not ONLY is my whole saturday revolved around the BRIAN BOITANO CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR....but what I missed in my last blog about this very event, when I foolishly asked "what more could you ask for?" is that it includes DOROTHY HAMIL!!! AND KRISTI YAMAGUCHI!!! ALL in an ice rink inside a baseball field!!!!!!!!!!!

I just passed out.

when yoga teachers go bad...

I just took a yoga class. It was an ANUSARA yoga class. In hindu, Anusara means "sucky" Well, I mean, i think It does. I read it somewhere.

anyhoo, the "teacher" said the words "express" and "kidney" in every other sentence. It went something like this.

(read in sing song voice)

"I want you to EXPRESS your leg towards the front, leading and opening with your KIDNEYS, not your leg. And then EXPRESS your heart center towards the back, EXPRESSING your hands on your KIDNEYS, EXPRESSING your fingers into the KIDNEY line. Not below the KIDNEY line, but right in it, which allows you to EXPRESS your back correctly so you don't close off the KIDNEYS. And then bring your KIDNEYS over your leg, EXPRESSING your toes into the mat."

FIrst off, I barely know where my kidneys are. i mean, I know they're SOMEWHERE below my ribs, I think, so I don't really KNOW how to Express them or lead with them. Second, I only like to use the word EXPRESS as in " i would like a double EXpresso please..." or in the context of "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" or the EXPRESS 10 items or less line. NOT in my yoga practice please.

by the end of the longest 90 minutes of my life, I was ready to Express my fist right into her kidneys (if I knew where they were!)

Friday, December 21, 2007



THIS? is what Christmas is worth living for.

Could you even ASK for more?? We've got Barry Manilow. Singing Christmas Carols. WHILE Brian Boitano SKATES to them. And If you are NOT cancelling party plans to be home watching this event? there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

seriously it's the season of GIVING

My yoga students often give me little christmas presents. It's SO sweet and cute. Usually it's like 20 bucks, or more often a starbucks card, or a CD or something. I am always totally touched by this.

and yet....

Today one of my students, a VERY WEALTHY gay guy in his late 40's dipped into his generosity hat, and WAYYYYYYYY overextended himself by giving me, all wrapped up in a mini gift bag from Wholefoods, (the kind of gift bag that is for giftCARDS) A brownie. ONE SINGLE BROWNIE. Wrapped in foil in the wholefoods giftcard bag.

So let me break this down for you.

He basically STOLE the giftcard bag from wholefoods, even though they're free WITH PURCHASE OF GIFTCARD, and baked a batch of brownies in which I was extended ONE. And these aren't even POT brownies (not that that would matter, I don't DO pot brownies, but at least the gesture would have been rare and special)

Last year I balked when someone gave me a $5 starbucks card, cuz come on, $5? really? Better not get a VENTI. But THIS takes the, emm, brownie, as it were.

I even opened the foil allll the way to see IF there was a gift card SOMEWHERE. I was even HOPING for a $5 wholefoods giftcard. I could have bought some mints or something.

call me ungrateful, but I have STANDARDS people. ONE brownie???!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Let's just make this the season of Peace, shall we?

I think that, if you don't have time to volunteer your time to the poor, or feed the children in Africa, and you just never put money in the goodwill bucket simply because that ringing bell annoys the hell out of you (and also you wonder if some bum stole a bucket, slapped some paint on it and put on a santa suit and is going to use all your cash on crack...I mean IF you think that) then there ARE ways we can all make a DIFFERENCE (other than being a top model, or top design star anyway)(although, they DO make a difference, you know?)

So I have some GREAT ways to spread Peace and GIVE back during the holidays...After all it is the spirit of giving that drives us during the season...but ONLY during the season.

1. GIVE PATIENCE When you're standing in line at the grocery store, say, and the woman in front of you in the 10 items or less lane not only has 12 items, but is paying ALL IN CHANGE (and she's NOT poor, she has MERCEDES keys) then don't tap your foot, huff and puff, roll your eyes and glare at her. Just take a breath, remind yourself you're better than her, and take a look-see at the chocolates and mints for sale right next to the cashier. It diverts your attention, gives YOU a good excuse for a little treat, and keeps you from spitting on selfish stupid change hoarding rich lady. BE THE CHANGE.

2. In the next few days, just let everyone who is trying to get in your street lane go. pause, even, and wave them ahead. If they're trying to come out of a driveway in to heavy traffic YOU be the one to let them through. No matter how many times you have to slow down and stop. Smile to yourself. You have done a good nice holiday thing. Jesus would do it. Also, it will drive the asshole behind you who refused to let YOU in INSANE. And then you're showing HIM an important holiday lesson too. SET THE EXAMPLE.

3. NEVER EVER waste holiday candy and treats. remind yourself there are people out there starving and it is a SIN to let chocolate and stuff go to waste. just eat it all. It makes YOU happy, and when YOU are happy, others are happy. START AN EPIDEMIC.

4. when you get a stuoid lame gift that you hate, give it to someone you don't like. The person you hate the MOST even. They will be SHOCKED and they will also HAVE to be nice to you even though they still hate you and also they will probably have to go get you a gift too because no way are they going to let YOU be the bigger person. SPREAD THE JOY.

That's all I've come up with for now. Maybe print this up for yourself, hang it above your bathroom mirror, to remind yourself to LIVE IN LOVE and truly make this THE SEASON OF GIVING.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

away in a manger....or just Reno


Jake is going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!

Christmas HAS ARRIVED!

Deck the halls with boughs of oreos fa la la la la la la!!
Tis the season to be eating. fa la la la la la la.
Don we now our fat apparel fa la la la la la la.
Join the ancient yuletide starbucks
fa la la la la
la la

mmmmm...cold rainy day in sunny CA

This is my FAVORITE kind of morning. TO wake up to cold rain, streets quiet because no one knows how to drive in the rain here. Walk the wet dogs to starbucks, grab a hot coffee, and then rush right back home, dogs curled up by my feet on the couch. Life is perfect on mornings like this. Unfortunately they only happen once or twice here in Hell-A. So Just wanted to share my perfect morning...and let you know that Christmas present requests are BEST when I'm in a good mod like this :) I might actually listen to you!
But you only have 20 more mins, at which time I have to drive to some clients all the way in Bel Air and with LA drivers who freak out in the rain, it won't be pretty.
LOVE and PEACE and JOY to ALL of God's CREATURES!!!! for now.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

What? i hadn't had coffee yet!

Today the LARGE dog area of the dog park was closed, and we were the first people/dogs there of course, and so we had to go to the SMALL dog area. Then this annoying woman comes with her chihuahua and some other small moppy dog and she looks at us, looks at the SMALL DOG AREA sign, looks at us, etc. She makes a HUGE production of this hoping I'll get her point.

So OF COURSE I say to her "the large dog run is closed, so we have to all be in here"

not at all.

I kept quiet. My mean self wanted to see her work herself up into a frenzy at which point I would then passive aggressively say it in my sweetest kindest voice.

She comes in and yells "Isn't this the SMALL DOG area?"

I turn around, smile big and say..."YES! it is. You can come in"

She now wants to kill me.

Then she steps closer, clutching her now wildly yapping chihuahua acting like Mick, Maggie and hobbling Beck are a pack of wild pitbulls.

Happily for me, they were being perfect and ignoring her stupid dogs.

She says "Isn't the LARGE dog area over there?"

So I say Smiling, ignoring "oh my gosh! your dogs are SO cute" ( a beat) oh and yah...the large dog area IS over there" as if I were giving her helpful information. smile smile. throw ball, ignore.

She is completely annoyed with me now, especially since she can't be a total bitch because I said her dogs were cute.

Her chihuahua is now going crazy and mick goes over with his puppy self to play. So her dog barks even more. She's still clutching it and the other little dog is being cute playing with mick.

So she then starts talking LOUDLY to her yappy dog."ohhhhh, it's okay nicky...I would be SCARED TOO if I just weighed 5 little pounds and there was a BIG GIANT dog around me!"

I chuckle amicably and say "Yah...Mick just LOVES all dogs, especially the ones who don't like him. The meaner they are the more he tries to get their attention."

She then talks to her dog again "ohhhh, you're not mean, you just like to run around with DOGS YOUR SIZE, don't you nicky. You're just a LITTLE guy who is 1/8 the size of these BIG DOGGIES and you just want to play, but these dogs are just TOO BIG aren't they Nicky?"

I was so thoroughly entertained. I just smiled a big dumb smile and continued to throw their ball. She left pretty fast, and after she walked out the gate she spent a good 10 minutes looking at the SMALL DOG AREA sign, looking at us, etc. So naturally, I waved and said "Have a good morning!!"

Saturday, December 15, 2007

things that make you go HMMMMM....

hey...whatever happened to Arsenio Hall anyway?

Anyhoo....there's a new coffee place down the street from me called COFFEE & COFFEE. I just wish I had been in on the meeting that took place to come up with that name. I mean unless it's a brother/sister team who's last name happens to be COFFEE....then I don't get it. I wanna go in there and ask for tea.

There's also a mini mart down the street that's called 999 LUCKY SEVEN MART. And the sign is three giant 9's and the "lucky seven mart" written through the middle. I looked to see if 999 was the address, and it's not. I wonder if they put in an order for 777 lucky seven mart and the sign shop screwed up and said they could have the sign for free and the owners just went for it. yah. I bet that's it.

when you've crossed over CHAPTER 1

I made a Christmas CD for my dumb young trainer Jaaaaaake.

HIM: HEY! Who's that cute little boy singing :i saw mamma kissing santa clause?

ME: (in a squat)(WITH weights)(matter of factly) oh that's the Jackson 5!

HIM: OH! are they new?

ME: (scoffing) THE JACKSON FIVE! Michael Jackson. When he was a KID. Ringing any bells here jake!?

HIM: sang when he was little? I didn't know that!

ME: sigh. Are we DONE yet!?!?

Thursday, December 13, 2007


My trainer, he-who-must-not-be-named, has some weird arm fetish. Every time I leave there I can't lift my arms even past my waist. typing right now is even a HUGE effort...but lifting the tv remote? impossible. seriously. I have to just watch one channel. First therapy, now this! I'd rather be sitting pretty on my shrink's couch, thank you very much. But he cut me loose. Said I was fine now, just need to exercise.


I KNOW there's another drug for me out there! I JUST KNOW IT! GOD...whatever happened to fen-fen?

Jake (of COURSE his name is Jake)(how very melrose place) is SO sweet and nice. in person.

But jake-as-trainer? not so sweet. not so nice. I can tell I am his new little project. Which I guess is fine by me. I mean this IS what I want right?!?!?

ho hummm....I just wanna be a top model.

Also, I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping yet for the simple fact that I can never lift anything. So, sorry folks, cards are gonna be all I can handle, If you're lucky, maybe I'll manage a gift card too. mayyyyybbbeeee.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

just for fun

You Are Thanksgiving

You are a bit of a homebody who enjoys being in the company of people you love.

so true so true. shut-in might be a better word sometimes.
It doesn't take a lot to make you happy. You're enjoying life as it is.

...with therapeutic drugs anyhow
You have many blessings in your life, and you are grateful for each one.

yes I do~ but is Mick a blessing??? I am not "grateful" for the "surprises" he leaves for me in the living room
You believe that life is about what you *do* have. You feel like you have enough of the good stuff.

I kinda think life is more like what I DON'T a new lexus and a doughnut maker

What makes you celebrate: Family, friends, and the changing of the seasons.

family, friends, changing of the seasons, AND gingerbread lattes
At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The host of the party


On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Spend so much energy preparing that it's a full time job
yes! and don't YOu forget iT!

Thursday, December 06, 2007


Here's the first thing on my list. AND seriously, i am NOT joking. And then if you buy it for me, and then visit me...I will make some for you! (it even has a CONVEYOR BELT!!!)
woo hoo! Keep tuning into this blog for further things I might want for the holidays :)

My Baby daddy

This is Mick's dad. His name is DIGGER...which truly explains a LOT about Mick's "garden" behavior.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

It's my girl's birthday!!!

Maggie is now 4 whole years old!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

dumb dumb dumb

I hired a personal trainer for 3 days a week.

This is one of the dumbest things I have done this year, right up there with spinning class and getting a "free" golden retriever.
I wouldn't say it's initially HARDER, per se, than spinning, as in it hasn't made me cry....YET. However, when I attempted to drive home from my session, I could barely turn the wheel right and left. My arms and legs are SO rubbery shaky I can hardly function.

I had to shampoo my hair in increments because I couldn't keep my arms up for more than a few seconds. FORGET flat-ironing it. I might even have to scale down from a grande gingerbread latte (he told me I had to get skim milk...riiiiighhhht) to a tall for the mere fact that a grande may be too heavy to lift to my mouth.

why god? why? Why weren't Adam and Eve FAT?