Wednesday, May 31, 2006

identity crisis

K, so over the weekend someone wiped out my checking acct by withdrawing all my money from an ATM in Staten Island. This left me potentially stranded in Las Vegas except I was with my rich friends (phew!)(though, while I was screaming at the guy on the phone I TOLD him I was stranded)(i mean what if it WAS true?)

side note: was totally RELIEVED when I found out that I actually had been ROBBED! cuz normally when my card gets declined, I call the fraud hotline HOPING it's fraud but it usually ends up being a forgotten rent check or many many impulse buys that seemed like lots of little 50's here and there that added up unbeknownst to me.

K, so I had to call a citibank taht day to figure out what the hell was going on. Here is the transcript of many tranfers and "supervisors"

PLAYER 1: "supervisor" lady from citibank who I THINK was in her early hundreds. I was transferred to her after I screamed at the first guy in India to get me someone who spoke english.

LADY: K, mam, so let's go through these purchases in the last few days so I can make sure we mark the ones that aren't yours.

ME: Well, I was told that someone withdrew $1,000 from my checking acct. this morning. HOW? WHEN? WHY? WHERE? HOW CAN CITIBANK LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM STUCK IN VEGAS! I HAVE .47 cents!!!! HOW WILL I GET HOME? (at this point I was still suspicious that maybe this was still my fault somehow)

LADY: well, let's seeeeeeeee (minutes click by) I am scrolling and I think....ummmm...let's see here...let me just grab my glasses and YES! Someone withdrew $1,000, looooooooooks like, this morning! Now, do you have that $1,000?

ME: NO!!!!! That wasn't me! I. DID. NOT. WITHDRAW. $1000. THAT"s why I am calling YOU. ( i'm still not 100 percent sure that it wasn't me, but am getting that warm feeling like it definitely maybe wasn't me) WHERE did this withdraw occur? online? WHERE?

LADY: let's.....seeeeeeeee....(minutes later) let me scroll down....and looks ISLAND? New York? Do you live in Staten Island?

ME: GOD NO! NO! I don't live in Staten Island! I've never even been there! not staten Island! UGH! I AM in LAS VEGAS! For the MADONNA concert!

LADY: Oh! Well, do you know anyone in Staten Island? Maybe a friend who maybe has your card and needed to borrow money? (I am not making this up here)

ME: NO! I would never be friends with someone in Staten Island!

LADY: Oh, well are you SURE you didn't take any money out in Staten Island?


LADY: well, let's just make sure none of these other charges are yours...lets go back a week and I'll just read you the charge and you tell me which is yours?

ME: (seething, unable to speak)

LADY: okaaayyyyy....let's seeeeeee....St-ar----bu-cks? Starbucks! Now, do you go to starbucks? that's the coffee place right? the amount isssssss.....let's seee here, all righty, the amount is four dollars, and um, thirty. no that's, four dollars and sixty! yes sixty three cents! at star-bucks. now is that one yours? from star-bucks? the coffee place? and OH MY! it looks like there is a LOT of activity from there, from star-bucks. now let's just go through and MAKE SURE each one is yours. Because SOME may not be!

PLAYER 2: Guy somewhere in India

GUY: Okay. miss. yes. hello. How can I help you today madam?


GUY: okay. yes. madam. I weel help you madam. just one second while I look up your account...
ooooohhhhhh, I see here, madam, that you cannot get any money because your account balance is .47 cents. did you want to make a deposit?


GUY: Oh, I am sorry madam. you. cannot. get. any money in Lasvegas because your balance is only .47 cents. Do you have another account?? in LAsvegas?

ME: NO NO NO NO! I AM SAYING THAT I KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY BECAUSE IT WAS STOLEN!!! STOLEN! (I take a breath) Listen. to . me. Someone withdrew $1000 out of my account, and I need to know how to get it put back in. I need to file a claim or something. That's why I am calling YOU.

GUY: okay. okay. miss. you want to withdraw $1000? or you want to deposit $1000?


GUY: ummm. miss. yes. yes. i can help you. but you need to make a deposit. do you live in staten island?

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's where my money was STOLEN! I am in LAS VEGAS, that is like no where near staten island. So you see, it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to be in 2 places!!! see?!!

GUY: OH! yes! I. see. yes! miss. I understand. madam. But were you in Staten Island THIS MORNING? Because you took out the money this morning at an ATM in staten Island. That is why your balance is .47 cents.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

OTHER People's pets....

Why is it that we LOVE our own pets so much? I feel like I am COMPLETELY objective when I say that my yellow lab is the cutest most entertaining dog EVER. I have seen some amazing dogs that don't belong to me, some smarter than Maggie, Some more clever, but never cuter. Maggie can do no wrong. when she jumps up on people I marvel at how friendly and excited she gets. so full of life. Her cute habit of stealing socks makes me melt everytime I put one on and there are big doggy teeth marks. I just laugh and shake my head and say "awwww are such a naughty bad dog" (in the tone of voice only a mother uses as she coos to her newborn) When she peed on my friend's rug when she was a puppy I said "aww...poor girl, she's just SO excited to see you! She only does that when she sees YOU. isn't that sweet?"

BUT when other people's dogs come over to MY house I just want to scream at my friends "can't you train that fucking dog? jesus christ he keeps peeing EVERYWHERE!" Or when last night I was babysitting my friend's welsh terrier (they are totally stubborn)(hyper)(and dumb)and he kept barking all night, and then I put him in the laundry room and he just kept throwing himself against the door, or how he ran out of the house and would NOT return when I called.
I wanted to KILL this dog.
I couldn't drop him off fast enough. And then I wondered all day why anyone would want a dog like that when they COULD have a dog like mine. A dog who comes when she's called, doesn't bark (at night) and would never misbehave at someone else's house.(unless she was SUPER excited to see them)(but that's sweet)
When I got home after work tonight I just sat on the floor snuggling my perfectly behaved cute sweet dogs, SO grateful at how lucky I was to have them. How lucky I was that they weren't like that OTHER dog.

Then I suddenly understood my step mom...except I was such a GOOD kid!

Monday, May 29, 2006

madonna madonna madonna

K, I just wanted to say that I went to Madonna in Vegas yesterday and I am going to join her following. she is my leader. I am 35 yrs old and acted like a spazzed out retarded teenager. (and I mean 'retarded' in the funny way)(ha ha funny)(not corky and amanda funny)I stayed up all nite, flew home in the wee AM and taught 3 classes. REEKING of smoke and booze no doubt. whatever. I don't care what THEY think! I can make it alone. I can make it alone. I can make it alone....

Saturday, May 27, 2006

youth is gone and wasted when...

K, My friend and I agreed to meet at Nordstom's at the Mall today to get in some shopping time. She's my oldest friend from way way back in Kindergarten, where we competed for biggest class liar. We were both stressed out and tired, so much so that not even triple mocha's could cure it. SO after we sucked down the coffees we decided to get some drinks.
We went to some chain bbq type place, ordered from THE DRINK MENU...ME=key lime martini HER=pomegranate margarita (we wouldn't have even dared order those in high school for fear of being carded)and some wings to top it off. After another round of kiddie drinks, we were nice and drunk.
then we had to WALK THROUGH the mall to get to our cars. we were drunk. teens passed us and snickered. we are officially has-beens. To top off the evening, we go to her car and she pulls forward RIGHT over the curb thingie, throwing us and our nordy bags everywhere. we are laughing so hard that she is snorting and I can't breath. My new shoes were still safe though, as I had placed them in her baby car seat. Then she swerved her way to my car. Um, good thing MALL SECURITY didn't pull us over cuz I don't even think they know how to issue DUI's in a mall parking lot.

Dog Park in Pasadena

They opened the first dog park here in Pasadena, and I was so excited because I am tired of playing with the dogs in the local park and being paranoid of cops giving me a ticket. I mean, I am there so early all the good drug deals are still happenning, and yet I would be the one the cops stopped. I just know it.

anyhoo, I am used to the dogparks in NYC where sure, you have your handful of paranoid crazy freakshows, but we all coexist peacefully. There is an unwritten CODE in NY, that says, sure my Lab may attack your pug, but haha, dogs will be dogs...but please, if your ugly ass labradoodle (ummm, it used to be called a MUTT) takes my dog's ball, then we WILL have a confrontation if you don't give it back. AND it's all perfectly acceptable.

WELL here, in suburbia, no one knows what the hell to do with a dogpark, they don't follow the RULES. They freak out if there is so much as a good lab-lab-rottweiller on top of french bulldog pile-up. They bring their KIDS and their kids cry when fluffy gets gang-raped but a couple 'a weiner dogs. They try to DISCIPLINE my dogs by saying,(to the dog) and I QUOTE "well well, now aren't you a mean one this morning. You need to tell your mommy you need some discipline." (all so I could hear of course) And then the big mexican maid who brings her Boss's 180 lb rottweiller who does steal my 70 lb arthritic dog's ball and she laughs, shrugs her shoulders and says "ah well, he no know what his ball is. he like every ball. HAHAHAHAHA." and then she half heartedly adds "Rocky! Rocky! Oh, jew are bad doggy! HAHAHAHA. jew are bad ball doggy! HAHAHAHA! I say-ed you geeev doggy his ball you bad doggy HAHAHAA!" and then she just leaves...her, rocky, and my dog's only source of morning happiness.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

best OLD friends...

When I drive to and from classes (25 miles LA traffic, to and from)(so we're talking anywhere from 30 mins to 2.5 hours) instead of becoming full of road rage and then taking it out on students later, I just hunker down in my deli-mart of a front seat, mocha snugly in the cupholder, water bottle in my lap, phone in one hand, steering wheel in the other (unless I need a sip of my mocha)and I call my best friend and we chat for the whole time. We amuse ourselves with tales of forgetting our keys, screaming at the Nordstrom's clerks for not giving us back our credit cards and then finding them an hour later in our pocket...that sorta thing.
And then I call her on the way home too(she had left me a voicemail saying she had 'exciting news' for me)(was kinda scared she MIGHT be preg...has 4 kids, me has none) and today the conversation took a nose dive (which is pretty bad considering we usually spend hours on end discussing people from reality shows as if they were our childhood companions) she asked me how my day was, etc, (her exciting news for me was that IN TOUCH and LIFE & STYLE were 25cents this week!) and before I knew it we were discussing brangelina!
HER: I am SO SICK of angelina jolie!
ME: I KNOW! I mean, i am not JUDGEMENTAL or anything, especially since we don't REALLY know what goes on...BUT...GAWD she is such a selfish mom!
HER: I KNOW what is WITH her obsession with africa!? and I read in IN TOUCH that her new baby is sick and she won't even come home to care for it!
ME: UGH! seriously, even if that's not true, she is so crazy!
HER: seriously!
ME: I mean I don't even have kids, so I'm not one to talk, but If I did have a baby, and I really do want a baby. SOON. seriously I really do want a baby.
HER: yah! you know...I got an email about someone from somewhere who doesn't want this baby.
ME: uhhh, someone from somewhere? in an email? VANESSA! I don't want a CRACK baby!
HER: NO! it's not a CRACK baby! It's a normal baby. boy I think. but it's still little! And besides I met these 2 girls from church and they were like 18 and both of them were crack babies and THEY're fine!
ME: I thought our ANgelina conversation was bad. and now we're debating crack babies.
HER: hahahahaha...yah! We're such grandmas!! hey! I stole a shirt from you at Xmas and you never even noticed.

This was the exact conversation. no names were changed, no sentences deleted to protect anyone.

GOd I love the LA commute!

Monday, May 01, 2006

head shots...

I just had to have a "photo shoot" for my work. I teach yoga. (I know I know...but somebody who hates pachouli and hippies HAS to be amongst the pious bunch) So I had to not only put my fat ass body into yoga poses, but also I had to make sit-com faces while doing so. I felt like Teddy Ruxpin. Eyes all wide, big fake smile, chubby body, posing for the lense. I mean the last time I had a photo shoot was in high school for yearbook shots when I had to sneak my way into a group of friends and pretend to be having a "blast" with people who's lockers I would eventually break into to steal their prom pictures so I would have prom pictures in my wallet. The best year was senior year when I really had no friends so I scrambled for a group to join and I ended up with the "cholas". I guess though, that it was better than the year I ended up with the religious girls who toyed with the idea of being nuns, and they looked all sweet and innocent in braids and there was me with short spikey eighties hair and frosted lipstick. I LOVE photo shoots...