Monday, May 31, 2010

How to Train your Teen Tuesday

I had an amazing weekend. There were beaches and biker bars and Kardashians involved. But Today! Today I made Teen Slave go to SPIN CLASS!!!!



It was her first spin class EVER. You don't even know my joy. I practically rolled on the floor giggling when she said "what IS spinning anyway? Is it just like a name for riding a bike? Like at the gym?"


She can't walk right now. She's in bed. Oh sweet sweet revenge. For all the times I have found myself humming one of her delightful ditties "I got a P*ssy so fine like yo ass. I got a p*ssy so smooth like a glass..."

It was an advanced spin class.


Saturday, May 29, 2010

Does Bose even MAKE a noise canceling product for this?

This is my Teen money suck slave. Back when she was the most adorable thing EVER.

RIght now she's passed out reeking of a vodka/tequila/rum combo from last night. Nice. I tried to count how many times I said last night..."When I was your age....."

It's just tragedy all around. Teens SUCK. Their mere existence reminds you how very old you are! And then THEIR MOUTHS remind you also. Here are some choice tidbits...

HER: You have to talk to my sister about the way she dresses! I mean she wears this crazy OLD LADY shit, and I'm all 'YOU'RE TWENTY, Not FOR-- {PAUSE} EIGHTY!

HER: My friends got this pit bull and named it BECKY! HAHAHAHH! I was dying laughing.

ME: WHY? What's wrong with Becky?

HER: UH....because a 'Becky' is a BLOWJOB!

SINCE WHEN?!?!?!??

HER: I don't even think you can call it sex if you don't even bust a nut.


HER: {she repeats louder b/c she thinks I didn't hear her b/c I am old} BUST A NUT.

ME: WHAT?!?!?!??!?

HER: ORGASM! Stupid!

OH! To hear these things out of this adorable mouth. I think I seriously need to buy some earplugs to survive this endeavor in my life. THANK GOD Mick can't talk.

Monday, May 24, 2010

a whole gleek of posts all in one.

I don't even know where to begin.

First let's start with my new teenage slave...who is less slave and more money suck machine. MAN! are teens expensive!!! I threw her a Welcome to LA brunch sunday. I let her have a mimosa. A. Single. And I don't drink. And everyone else had coffee, etc.

There was like a 3/4 bottle of champagne left.

I wake up this morning, go to teach, come back (10am) and the bottle is empty on the sink. I just figure she dumped it out.


she drank it.

at 9 am.

In the morning.


I made it clear that even hard core alcoholics don't even drink bottles of champagne at 9am!!

Oh well. Alanon here I come!



This show was SOLD OUT. And because I am the luckiest person in the world a fellow blogger called me up and invited me to go! And this blogger approved of me being invited too. I think they took huge amounts of pity on me and my gay first date. And I mean, rightly so! I deserved a night of showtunes of PURE ROCK CONCERT!

I would go into detail about the awesomeness and all. And how I may or may not have swooned when this guy sang directly to ME. (I mean SWEET JESUS!)

But then I would sound like I was bragging. DId I mention it was sold out? NATIONWIDE? But that I WENT?

If you don't watch hot teen guys Glee....DO.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm finally a Mormon Mommy Blogger! Well, not really Mormon. And not really mommy. But close enough!

My mormon friends, well and even my non-mormon friend ALWAYS accuse me of being a Mormon poser wanna-be. Why? Because I live for Friday night game night, Jello molds, Wal-Mart, and anything with marshmallows. Also I want tons of kids. It's just that whole no-coffee thingie is a deal breaker. Oh, and that no-gay-marriage thingie. I heart my homos and double iced mochas.

As for the mommy part? I just inherited a 19 yr old. it's been less that 48 hours and I have heard myself say things that I thought I WOULD NEVER SAY. Like...

1/ "I can't believe what you kids are listening to these days!"

Seriously cringe worthy. I would repeat here. But I can't even type some of those words. Lets just say that would make my grandma, who is already dead, fall over dead AGAIN.

2/"Ugh! Turn that God-awful music DOWN. Better yet, OFF!"

3/" When YOU drive you can listen to whatever you want, but when I DRIVE, we listen to what I WANT. (to which she ignored me and shoved in her dirty rap CD anyway)

Clearly, I am but a shotgun away from sitting on my porch shaking my fist in the air screaming "you crazy kids get off my lawn before I MAKE you!!"

And here I thought I was all young and hip. She ALSO made fun of my Zac Efron shoulder bag. I may un-adopt her soon.

But you just KNOW I love playing bossy mom. I TOLD YOU awhile ago I needed some kids to do chores for me. So I got one. But so far I am doing DOUBLE chores. huh. Guess that theory was shot down to hell. I mean outer darkness. Gotta keep up that Mormon front.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

A brush with the grim reaper, in the Keebler aisle.

I had a near death TARGET!

A woman ran around with a butcher knife and a carving knife and randomly stabbed people!!

I guess she was as upset as I was that they were out of Liberty of London large tumblers too. I totally get it. I couldn't help but wonder if she grabbed the knives at Target or brought her own. Then I thought OH MAN! I hope this doesn't mean Target and all other stores will start storing knives behind the counter along with all the cough syrups and allergy meds. SO ANNOYING! Why does one person have to ruin it for the rest of us?!?!

WELL. I was ON MY WAY to that very target on monday. AND I was delayed because I was being lazy. Then it was all crowded and cops were everywhere so I just went to another target figuring they were filming a cop show or sumthin'.

I COULD HAVE BEEN STABBED!!! Whew! Laziness saved my life!!

That's what happens when you live on the mean streets of West Hollywood! Angry lesbians run amok!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

My first date. (seriously)

For those of you who are still on the fence whether or not people "choose" to be gay....

....will you JUST take a look at my very first ever date?? I think I was like 13. And TRAY (maybe guys do TURN gay when given a gay name) was like 15. My only concern for that evening was that I was too young for him. Which MUST be why I chose to dress like a church librarian. So he'd think I was "older."

My dad kept alluding to the fact he was which I screamed "JUST BECAUSE HE'S AN ACTOR DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GAY!!!!!!!"

He never called again. I was crushed. If only someone could have told me that was the first of MANY a night out as a fag hag.