Thursday, May 31, 2007

mexico and stuff...

I'm back from my no, my retrea...nope...REHAB! I am back from rehab. It wasn't in Malibu though, it was in Mexico. And it wasn't for coke and/or martini addiction...THIS rehab was more for people who THOUGHT they were going to relax on the beach with NO coffee or meat, do some yoga, and otherwise float in the sea.
Those people would be wrong though. (These people? are ME)

Anyhoo, I came back feeling wrung out and EXHAUSTED, to people greeting me with "OH MY GOD! how was your vacationn?!?!?!? did you have funn?!?!"

I could barely mumble back "wasntavacation"

It's THURSDAY, I got back on sunday, and I am JUST recovering from my recovery.

I felt like Lindsay Lohan, walking around the first few days, with a water bottle in my hands instead of a starbucks cup. I felt "cured" and "superior" I had been HEALED. Then I saw her big coke binge car wreck of a weekend, mere weeks after her own rehab stint and I couldn't help but wonder "is that what's in store for me?" "Will I, in a mere few weeks be found slumped over a starbux patio chair, coffee stains down my face and pants, mumbling about venti doubles with whip?"

oh well, whatev's. I learned a LOT of key phrases on my VACATION.

so I share them here with you my fellow addicts....

"THE ANSWER TO HOW IS IN THE NOW." (self-help leaders LOVE to rhyme)(I don't even know what this means, but it rhymes)

"If you want to HEAL you've got to FEEL"


"IF YOU CAN, YOU MUST" ( so I took this literally and yesterday I thought if I can get coffee, I MUST")

The funny thing about all the talky rhymey sesame street rehab talk is that everyone there just wanted to lose 10 lbs from the fruit fast they heard about.

and I DID!


(I'll be hosting my own mexican retreat/vacation/rehab soon. I'll keep you posted)


Thursday, May 03, 2007

More Spin Class Cult torture...

I did another spin class. I still want to puke, can't sit normally, and my 'ha ha hole' is still numb AND it could audition for a 'very special episode' of Law & Order SVU and get the part.

Can I also mention that...

A. I actually cried it was so hard and

B. People who spin are INSANE MANIACS who I would SMACK or SPIT ON if I knew how to get my feet out of those stupid clips so I could get off my bike and do it.

One ass-peddler brought a cup of coffee. to spin class. bet there was a little vodka it there. and speed. same guy also brought little hand weights, cuz you know, spin class is so eeeeeezyyyy, papa needs a little more biceps. My friend next to me said "bet that guy goes home at night and puts coke up his ass." (sorry, dad)

one woman looked like road runner she was spinning soooo fast....quite literally could NOT see her feet or legs, just a blurrr. she was also bobbing her head like a starved chicken and would, ever few seconds scream out "WOOOOOO. WAH-HOOOOOO. YEEEEE-OOOOOOOH!!!" and then look around to everyone for a nod of solidarity.

Like I said, If I hadn't been folded over the handlebars heaving and crying, and locked into my pedals, I woulda spit on her.