Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Analysis V. Aerobics.


VERY GAY Black Dude: "the craziest experience I had with a racial bias was, a old white woman clutched her purse when I walked by and CLEARLY nothin' about me says 'GIRL I'm gonna beat you over your head and take your coin.

This was the dress I got for my high school reunion a couple weeks ago.THE DRESS. I thought it was SO cute and I wore them with brown tights and brown suede crippling heels.

yah. I still got it!...

Until I saw the pics that someone posted on FB. Which now that we're on the subject. I think it should be ILLEGAL to tag someone's picture w/o prior approval! It was like, THE WORST picture, forever emblazoned on FB.

(note the fantastic sam's ponytail)

I was disgusted. I didn't look like uber-cute Michael Kors runway ready fashion superstar (that was the look I was going for)

Unfortunately I was less Heidi Klum, more Nell Carter.

Anyway, now I am on a vigorous exercise routine...

...which has left me exhausted and spent at the end of the day.

I have been to some sort of yoga/work out class every single day for a whole week. I used to do this ALL.THE.TIME when I lived in NY. Voluntarily. As in, it wasn't even an option. It's just what I did. Voluntarily.

This Week? NOT voluntarily. How can that be? you say. Because I went to my shrinky last week in hopes of a new drug to 'make it all better.' (it's what we do in LA)(like massages and pedicures) And he looked at me and said "you have to go to yoga. TONIGHT. And everyday until you come back again. See you next week. That'll be $200"

WHAT?! Where's my Prozac/Valium/Xanax??? Where's that prescription pad?? huh? HUH?

Anyhoo, here are some of the things that fitness instructors/yoga teachers said this week.

-That's it! Sit down in a squat...lift up. DOWN UP DOWN UP! FASTER! RIDE your elevator into your hips!!

-Open your heart! beaming pure rays! of joy! and light! Manifesting! your light! get lit up! Inspired up!

-Create a yoga ARMY! Fierce and true. Opening your power through your heart. Just open up your chest. Care-Bear Stare. (not even kidding....that's what HE said)

-People think LOVE and COMPASSION are the same thing. They are NOT. They are very different! Compassion, you see, is a VERB. And LOVE is an adjective or a noun.

Yes. Yes. I compassion you. Just the other day I was compassioning my dogs.

You see...Prozac doesn't talk. I'm gonna have to wring this guys prescription pad outta his chubby little freudian hands today. WIsh me luck!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Playing Hookie

My clients cancelled today. SO I threw the dogs in the car and went to the beach. It was truly the most perfect day. Waves were big, breeze was nice. I guess LA has some good stuff to offer every now and then. It SORTA makes up for the whole "no fall" thing. sorta.

Mick likes to dig holes the full size of his body. Which is why he's never allowed in the backyard.

(I love just barely seeing their little heads while they surf the waves)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ei-ay Ei-ay-yoga

And you thought yoga people were BORING!

PHRASE FOR THE DAY: Yogi-okee-dokee!

Monday, October 19, 2009

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS (so old that I forget it's sunday 'till monday)

Now come on over here little Oprah. Show GrammyBitch your Halloween costume! Ah...I remember my first costu....

ACK! Wha...wha...WHAT the sam hell are you wearin'? I don't even know what you're supposed to be young lady, but alls I DO know is that THAT is no lady!! What did you say? You're a Vampire Stripper Cheerleader??? ACK!

I tell you what Little O, back in MY day we didn't look like no Vampy Ho. Back in MY day things were simpler. You went to the grocery store and bought a BOX.

(oh! to be Boss Hog again!)

And they were all stacked high in the store and we waited and waited until they came out and then we RAN to get our most treasured costume. AND in that box was ONE plastic mask and string with big holes so we could see how to steal candy from the younger kids. AND one big plastic smock/suit that you just put on all simple and easy like.

Now, you HAD to get to the store FIRST THING so you could get the GOOD stuff. The best part little O? Was that you could pick ANY costume, boy or girl, as long as it was IN. And as you know, GrammyBitch was ALWAYS IN.

You didn't wanna be the kid who got their costume too late and had to pick from the "leftovers"....

Like you WANTED to be Donny or Marie Osmond, but then got stuck with

You wanted Scooby or even Shaggy....but...

Or worse yet, getting stuck with a GAME piece as a costume.

Getting the B list stars was pretty pathetic too. Oh the poor soul who had to be Nicholas Bradford :(

Guess they ran out of "gopher"

Or this...

I guess maybe getting the "horseshack" costume coulda been worse....nah...this one is worse.

Now for the kids that got to the store like, the day before halloween were in REAL trouble...

I mean who even wanted to be The guy from the Electric Company? tragic. just tragic.

And last but not least, I'm not sure WHO bought this one for their little boy.

NOT that there's ANYTHING wrong with being a gay biker.

Now, of COURSE GrammyBitch never had a costume faux-pas.

(see my finger in my mouth? I actually REMEMBER testing out the mouth hole to see if candy would fit through there. Some things never change)

Little O, do you see how back in my day we also gave out HOMEMADE treats? Caramel apples! popcorn balls! cookies! The loser houses gave out SINGLE unwrapped marshmallows, whole apples, and pennies taped to a piece of scotch tape and hard candy leftover from last year's Christmas or raisins. Sigh. The good ole days before the razor scare of the 80's.

Sure, our costumes never made it past house #5, but STILL, we had it good. OH so good.

Now remember Little O, GrammyBitch gets to "inspect" your candy, and take out all the um, stuff that's suspicious.

Thursday, October 15, 2009



My friend (in McDonalds): If Mcdonalds were healthy I would be SO skinny.

1. WHY? in this day and age are ALL cans NOT pop-top??? Tuna? Dogfood? EVERYTHING. EVERY.SINGLE.CAN should have a pop-top/pull-top. Is this a conspiracy with the can-opener industry? Are Tuna companies getting kick-backs for NOT having pop-tops?? Pineapple chunks have pop-tops. SO does soup! Seriously this gives me a headache.

2. It's SO FUN when your super expensive front loading washing machine BREAKS ONE MONTH after the warranty ends. And the shady "repair man" says it's gonna cost basically what you could pay for a brand new one. I HATE YOU FRIGIDAIRE.

3.When it rains for the first time in FOREVER and you're all out skipping about in utter joy, only to come home and see that your roof leaked and RUINed your brand new bedroom paint job.

4.Going to the Salon to get highlights because your hair is really just too damn dark from the last time, and what the hay? let's just go blonde!....sitting for the million hours with tin foil on your head, scalp on fire...only to come out with this...

Can you believe how BLONDE I am?! I mean, people are gonna think I'm so fake, with all that BLONDE hair. Hope people don't think I'm a dumb BLONDE now! That $125 for HIGHLIGHTS was so WORTH it!

5. Millions of people at Costco on a thursday mid-day? GET A JOB. Sheesh.

6. Powers that be at Costco? I wanna know what's in your air or paint scheme or aisle placement that makes a pretty regular person go in there for THREE ITEMS :paper towels, chocolate chips, and dog bones, and leave $145 poorer with a cart full of I don't even know...XXXL

7. WHY is there not a product for when you break a glass (or an entire glass matter) and tons of shards of it goes into your garbage disposal and it needs to get cleaned out? WHY? Is it really so difficult? Because HOW THE HELL DO I GET BROKEN GLASS OUT OF MY GARBAGE DISPOSAL?!?!?

8. Dude from my parent's party last weekend: I HATE YOUR "outfit." PS. NOT a role play party.

9. This commercial. And the fact that it is on every single break.


1. My cute Halloween Display

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Shopping Sunday


Well, I managed to make some good use of my boredom this weekend. I mean, REAL, QUALITY, GOAL-WORTHY time. It's amazing what one can do when one has exhausted an entire day's worth of LMN originals. So, when I say 'this weekend' I mean today. I decided that I needed to go on the search for Cadbury Drinking Chocolate. I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!! Have you ever had it? Well, if you HAVE had it, then you can understand my dedication to its whereabouts...

...Which took me straight to The Grove (outdoor shopping HEAVEN)(Seriously, I hope I can die and LIVE there) The problem? it was a beautiful crispy outdoorsy kind of day. I was alone. Left to my own devices. My 'sponsor' (the one friend who keeps me off the benders...usually) is on vacation.

It didn't go well. No one had the Cadbury.

BUT I did manage to find, you know, bars of soap, cute paper notepads, cute stationary (for all those LETTERS I mail in the old fashioned mail) Candles (buy one get one FREE! who can resist? WHO?!) Bigelow Lip gloss (Apple cider! Vanilla Eggnog! And I forget the last flavor....but it was BUY 2 GET 1 FREEEEEEEE! WHEEEEEE!)

Well, and by THEN, I was on a true bender of things you absolutely never need (except the candles)(and the lip gloss..cuz one ALWAYS needs that)(well, and you never know when you'll need a good $8 bar of soap!...what? it's from FRANCE)

So naturally, I headed to Target, and the only reason I'm even mentioning the Devil's Lair, is because they have THE BEST DEAL. And, being the altruistic yogi that I am, I needed to share the info with you. Ready?

K. Fiber One bars are on sale for $2.33. Big deal? not so much. BUT! If you buy 4 boxes, you get a $5 Target gift card! Now let me do that math for you...this all comes out to $1 per box! Crazy, right!? Now, I've never even HAD a fiber One bar, but so what? S.A.L.E.

I still need to find that Drinking Chocolate. Guess I'll have to go out again tomorrow!

{we'll get back to our regularly scheduled GrammyBitch Sundays next week. I'm just to old to be old tonight}

Friday, October 09, 2009

Somebody come and play...somebody come and play today-ay....

I'm bored. I've been wandering around the house looking for stuff to do. Pile of bills to file? nah. later. Organize closet? Maybe next week. Make something nice for dinner that doesn't come in a package? Work on yoga retreats and find new locations? I'll get around to that. Workout? HA!

Blog? I guess so.

Sigh. BORED! Can someone please come visit me? You can bring your kids!

I need to plan a party or SOMEthing. Though, last time I "planned" a party I bought ALL this stuff for it....annnnddd never had it. I wonder if there's a support group for people like me.

THIS is why people "my age" have kids and A LIFE. Because old people need stuff to do, and kids are as good as anything else.

Since I have nothing to actually write, I'm gonna send you to my favorite authors. And then maybe you can tell me what to read and I'll go buy it and then I won't be bored! It's a win/win situation, really.

Sarah's Key
I could not put this book down. Okay fine, I had it on CD when I drove from NY. I was RIVETED. I imagine it's just as good to read.

Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man
This may actually be my all time favorite book. SO FUNNY. Definite classic.

Anything by Laurie Notaro.
Best part? If you haven't read her, you can start at the beginning (Idiot girl's action adventure club) and there are like, MANY books after. I have to put those books down sometimes because she's so damn funny. They're not fiction, which makes 'em even more hilarious.

There are tons more. I left out the obvious authors that I figure you all already know and love. How much would you have punched me in my cyber face if I had listed "Twilight" HAHA!

When I get outta my "bored phase" I'll tell u all about my fun HS reunion and how I looked like Nell Carter.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

I'm Bringin' Sexy Back....if By Sexy you mean, THE CLAW

I have my TWENTIETH high school reunion tonight. Yah. You read that right. I know I know...UN-BUH-LIEVABLE! {shrugs shoulders, puzzled face} EVERYONE says I look 29...they SWEAR I am not a day over 30...but you know, my yoga vegan lifestyle....

We all know by now, my hair sitch. It's unmanageable by normal human hands. It needs HEAVY artillery. An Uzi sized flat iron. etc.

A pro-blow -out/flat iron at MY salon is $70 plus tip, so like $85. Now, I would LOVE to afford that every week. Or, ever. I'll pay top dollar for the cut and color, but the flattening? I'd rather put that $$$ towards new shoes.

AND yet...I REALLY didn't wanna attempt my own hair today. I want to show those high school BE-YOTCHES (went to all girls school) who can rock the straight hair. Who?! Ummmm, so I decided to call, gulp, Fantastic Sam's. I haven't been there since my mom tried to cheap out on me in 8th grade when I got a "perm." Uh, it was a disaster.

I think "how bad can it be? it's not a cut. Worse case I go home and wash it out. And hey! $23.95!! How have I not done this sooner" And look at me being all frugal and sensible (is that how you spell those words?) The man on the phone said "ask for Tina."

yyyyahhhhh. I shoulda known when I walked in and I was greeted by an old russian granny with BRIGHT red hair and oh! The painted on eyebrows on her! "Hi. Ummm, I have an apt. with Tina?"

"yes yes! I am Tina!" Of course you are.

Now what? Run and bolt??? My heart was pounding. Okayyyyyeeee. MAYBE, just MAYBE she knows how to flatten hair?? Maybe? please?

"what you want darling?"

What I said: "STRAIGHT! VERY STRAIGHT! NO CURL." Yes I was yelling. That's what you do when people don't speak english good. I needed to hit that point home.


Guess I didn't yell loud enough.

"ummm, Tina? aren't you gonna FLAT IRON IT? Where's the flat iron? Is it heating somewhere?"

"oh. no no no. we no have flat iron! only blow dry. your hair is like PERM! Too hard to straighten, Is all I can do."

"BUT I called ! I ASKED for a flat iron! And that man said. HE SAID you did! HE SAID!!!"

"no no no. we no have flat iron"

A fight with the russian an ensued. There was screaming. He screamed at me. Refused to validate my parking. Wanted me to pay $35! THIRTY FIVE!!

I was all "HAY-ELL NO! You're lucky I'm willing to pay the $23.95"

And he was all "YOUR HAIR HAS PROBLEM!"

And I was all "I KNOW! That's why I came here"

Words were exchanged and I paid the $23.95 and bolted home. I was SUPPOSED to go get my make-up done and mani/pedi. But I was too horrified to go anywhere with my, um, DO.

Think I'm exaggerating??

God...those other ladies will be J.E.A.L.O.U.S.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

{Dad talking about his 4 yr old}

"She didn't wanna git up this mornin'. But we got 'er up. Mountain Dew helps a lot"
-Toddlers and Tiaras

I've been getting TONS of awards lately. (2) Is that really a shock to anyone? Let's just say....IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Haha. JUST not at all KIDDING!

Of course, I am too challenged and/or lazy to follow their rules. And cut and paste stuff. And tag people and stuff. I don't like to share the limelight, so, I'm not passing along the love. I wish I got money with these "awards." But oh well.

I was totally honored here and here...two VERY funny blogs. So I am humbled. (as humble as someone like me can be) You're supposed to list 10 HONEST things about yourself and 7 things no one knows. So, I'm gonna just do 7 HONEST things that no one knows...about this blog. I mean, really, I can't talk about my blog ENOUGH!


2. My blog got it's FIRST EVER "hater: comment! It was on the BRILLIANT Moxie Mona post! Weird, right? It was this...

Anonymous said...
I think at your age you could find a better use of your time.

I'm totally like DOOCE! And Dooce was on Oprah. SO you know what that means....Chicago here we come!!

3. My blog started in Feb of '05...Here's my first ever little baby post. The best part is my blog only had ONE friend Joe who set it up for me. LOVE his comment where he's explaining what the blog is. It's so, so, Little house on the prairie. Awwww....widdle baby bloggy.

4. My blog was "anonymous" at first. I didn't want my name on it anywhere. But, stealth was never my strong point. So I didn't have my NAME anywhere, and yet, I had a side link that sent you RIGHT to my personal website with all my pics and family. I probably blogged about my name. phone #, and street address at some point too. Oh well, don't ever ask me to hide anything for ya.

5. My mother doesn't read this blog, doesn't KNOW about this blog and NEVER WILL. That's why it's 'anonymous.' I would be disinherited. Again.

6. This Blog is banned in Singapore! If you're in Singapore, you cannot read this blog. awwww. :( Maybe someday Singapore will take down this "wall" and let their people FREE!

7. I didn't design this blog. My good friend took me from blog obscurity to blog fame. She's my blog stylist. Anything cool and creative is attributed to her. Anything tacky is me MAKING her do it. Under duress that my dogs and I won't leave her house until she does.

Wasn't that SO riveting?! I'm thinking I can work all this into a script, and get it optioned for a Lifetime Original Movie.
E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD BLOG STORY:the making of a historical piece of shit relevance in the Millenium!