Thursday, March 25, 2010

That biological clock is ticking...and speaking of clocks, mine are pretty dusty....

"Next up we have Erika Badhu Performing. How YOU Bah'doin"
-wendy williams

Yesterday my two good friends came over with their two husbands and 7 kids....and a random grandma in there. It was SO much fun. We've been friends since college, and by 'college' I mean the years one would be going to college. In theory. And I won't even lie here. It was

Which is when I TRULY realized my mistake of being a selfish shopper hermit work-a-holic (that term is subjective...but I've paid my dues!) all my life. I have no offsrping to ORDER AROUND!! I have no kids to fetch my shoes and bring mama a cocktail STAT. I sat there doing the math. Even if I did have a baby it would take YEARS for me to make him/her do the dishes and arrange my shoe closet!

I mean, I'm not delusional. kids are also a WRECK. They can take down a house before they even all get in the door. But the ONLY person who spilled their drink on the furniture was, uh, ME. So, that's not REALLY a downside.

I've come to the conclusion that I could foster kids!! AND AND AND....THEY PAY YOU!!!!! I did the math again. 2 spare bedrooms+4 bunkbeds =8 mini-merry-maids loving children I could give a home to!!! WHY have I not thought of this sooner?? I could have a kid-mill. I could teach them to dust better than Lucy-the-housekeeper who doesn't get to the bottom bookshelf. ever.

Oh! This fantasy is even better than the "what would I do with my winning lottery money" fantasy or my "what if I were trapped overnight in Nordstrom/See's Candy" fantasy.

one can only dream.

Wonder if my healer roommate can help me manifest this?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

irriTATING Tuesday

There's nuthin' that spurs a posting like ANNOYING PEOPLE!

1.I just taught a class and there was this guy in the front row who kept rolling his eyes and scoffing at every single pose we did. Now, I KNOW it wasn't my mesmerizing charismatic self. After all, I am the BEST TEACHER IN the greater LA area (and NYC too, FYI)(just saying) Oh boy. Did I ever wanna give him a swift and violent kick in his down dog face!


2. And yet ANOTHER Whole Foods infraction: They had a sale on this one brand of frozen foods. and they had sale stickers all over the freezer section of this one brand. So, being that I hate myself for shopping there anyway I ONLY let myself buy what's on sale. Hopefully they LOSE money on me. I go through the loooonnng line of hippie posers and my frozen discount food is rung up at FULL price. So I point this out and they call over the manager and he goes to check. Seriously? The WHOLE product line was on sale. How do they not know this? He waves me over to point out that the "pad thai with SHRIMP" is NOT on sale, but the pad thai with beef/chicken/tofu IS. I point out that the stickers are on every single product. And he looks at me dead serious and says....only THIS one is not on sale. DIE!

3.One of my renters STOPPED THE RECORDING OF REAL HOUSEWIVES while I was in Utah. I mean, if two shows are recording at the same time, you can't even watch anything else. But SO? I see an eviction in the near future. I need to write this as a clause in the lease. KILL

4. AMerican Idol is filmed 8 blocks away from me. On the main street I have to travel to and from work. I can't BEGIN to tell you the traffic cluster F that happens when I try to come home, because every tuesday in idol season, Idol filming gets out like 15 mins before I am on the road. ROAD RAGE!

5. I decided to be "responsible" and went to Nord to return the cutest shoes on earth that I bought a few weeks ago. But I have a lot of bills, and no savings per se, no "retirement plan" as it were (unless you consider inheriting a retirement plan)(which I do) so I FORCED myself to do it. tried to be all "grown up" about it. This IS a bad economy after all. IS there a more evil word than 'downsizing?' {shudder} .....

...BUT, the story turns good. You can stop praying for my sadness. Because as I returned them the sales girls were FREAKING out and fighting over them because they had sold out company wide (what can I say? I have IMPECCABLE taste!) and they all had customers DYING for them. So of course that made my hairs on the back of my neck rise. I panicked. I CAN'T RETURN MY PRECIOUS!!!!! But then I was all "walk away. Just walk away." So I did. I walked out those doors with my head held high, annnnnd then sprinted full speed walked right back in and re-bought them.

Nice tactic sales people!

I was hugging the box on my way out.

(retirement schmetirement. I may have to be put in a state run elderly facility when I'm old, where the orderlies constantly drop me on the floor and never change my bedpan. But at least I'll always have my shoes!)

So today turned out OKAY after all. however, I will in fact body slam the eye roller should he come back to class.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Road Trippin'

I got bored last weekend and LA was driving me insane AND I was craving donuts, so I decided to throw the dogs in the car and head to Utah.

The Drive was beautiful and pretty easy, save for the one psychotic mental episode I had, but we don't need to go into that same ole same ole. It's in my genes. I accept this as part of my genetic make-up as one would, say. bad eye-sight (wait, I have that too) or fat knees (hey! no fair) or pasty skin (DAMN! Seriously, Mexicans and Polish people really need to stay away from each other)

I love road trips because where else can you sing the entire Les Mis soundtrack by yourself all super loud pretending you're Eponine dying by the river? Yah, don't deny it. You know you do.

Utah's incredible right now. Made even more so by my friend who, upon my late night arrival, had an entire untouched sheet of Rice Krispy Treats waiting for me. 10 hr drive? SO WORTH IT!

Also my friend's kids worship the dogs so FREE DOGSITTING!

I'm never leaving.

Friday, March 05, 2010

There are just some days when your Life's Work is WORTH IT.

"so I said to her, 'Oh, I will never say anything about you behind your back ever again.'.... You dumb drag queen"
-Bethenny Frankel, Real Housewives of NYC

Holy Mary Mother of God and all things holy....the HOTTEST.GUY.EVER. came to my class last night. Now, normally I don't notice hot guys in my class. (unless they're famous) Mostly cuz I teach in West Hollywood. The gay capital of gay capitals. So If you're crazy hot, and you come to my class, you're gay, unless proven straight.

This guy was HOT. And had tattoos on most of his one arm and back. Now, I am not even one for tattoos. I don't go for the bad boys ever. (sadly, I like my men clean cut, preppy, stylish, sensitive)..(gay) But I took the tattoos+hot body+well that's all we need, as a sign that he was possibly maybe almost sorta straight.

But again. I barely registered any of this. I work in a room of HOT sweaty bare-chested guys every day of the week. It all becomes a blur at some point. But AFTER class, when everyone comes up to me to worship me and tell me how I'm the best teacher EVER, I politely and humbly say "thank's nuthin shucks...this old thing?..." I turn around and he is right in my face and in the hottest, STRAIGHTEST (I hope) voice he says "Wow. That was such a great class. I'll definitely be back. Thanks!" He was looking right into my eyes.

I was frozen. It was like out of a movie. My cocky self was GONE. I was all "oh, uh, oh, awesome (I said awesome. I wanted to slash out my tongue. Clearly I haven't been stunned like that since the eighties)

I left in a stupor chanting to myself "please God let him come back. Please God let him be straight. Please God let him come back. PLEASE GOD LET HIM BE STRAIGHT"

That guy single handedly made up for every smelly non-underwear wearing, annoying hippie, and naked lady encounter I've had to endure.

Well, just so you know I'm not usually such a troll. But OH BOY....please be straight....please be straight....