Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I wanna be fired

I am SO completely and entirely exhausted, what with the earthquake clean-up and all.

It was the longest day ever, and I don't even work that much. In fact, I subbed out my class tonight, so I didn't even work AT ALL today. Though, I will say that my LIFE is work. Seriously, when my TiVo is full, and I have like, ALL these recorded shows to watch, it's a LOT of pressure. I was actually physically gone all day, and just got home at 10pm, which never happens. And though I didn't "work" work, I ran all around doing STUFF. And I am so tired I just wanted to get in bed and not even WATCH T.V. And yet, I felt compelled to just SEE what shows I missed, and then it was more than I thought, and I was all "hmmph, I better get SOME of these out of the way" as if they were term papers I had to start on.

Well, So I better quit wasting time here, and get started on those shows.

The big QUAKE...

Okay, tragedy struck yesterday. ALL of my afternoon shows were pre-empted!

No Judge Judy, No people's Court, No Dr.Phil/Oprah/Ellen!

ALL because of "earthquake" reports, pie charts, size-mo-graphs (spelling? no?) and interviews. They even interviewed "governor" schwartzenager. Who was in uh, SACRAMENTO. In fact, it's STILL BEING COVERED.

But you know, I guess there WAS mass destruction. One asian liquor store owner was saying how she had to cover her head because the bottles might fall down on her. Then she SHOWED us how exactly she covered her head with her arms. But LUCKILY, pheeeee-ew, no mini-bottles fell on her. but ALMOST.

And then there was the guy who's pottery store was damaged. Lots of his pottery fell on the floor. Yet, it was a really dumpy old ass pottery store, so one has to question whether he went in AFTER the quake and tipped all the shelves over and was all "Man, all my pottery is gone! Good thing I have insurance!" And then 3 months later he'll be running his new starbucks chain.

And then there was the USC football player dude interviewed on campus with his backpack, all "yah, man, I was walking over there (points to grass) on the grass, and I was getting up to go to class and was all, 'whoa! I think there's an earthquake!' and then I just stayed put man. (shakes his head) it was kinda scary." Wonder when his FEMA check is arriving?

There were SO. MANY. MORE. interviews like that. ALL.DAY.LONG. Even today. People talk excitedly, out of breath, with a look of HUGE relief on their face that they were lucky enough, bless Jesus, Mohammed and The Holy Ghost, to even be ALIVE today.

And then! After ruining my TV day, I get to work and everyone was all "where were YOU when IT happened?"

And I was all "OMIGOD, I was sitting on my couch and opened my computer and was DEVASTATED! I practically FELL OVER! Then I just cried and cried when IT happened. I knew my life was going to change dramatically, and I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest." But I will go one. LIFE will go on. Maybe. I am still in shock."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

just saying

Women who call me "babe" make me want to claw their face off. ESPECIALLY ones who don't know me. But THINK they do. And if they DID know me, then they would NEVER call me 'babe' because I would never BE friends with someone who did.
the end.

Friday, July 25, 2008


My friend Carin tagged me in her blog. (definitely go to her blog cuz her photography is so amazing you can't stop staring at her pics) Her Request was to list 7 quirky things about yourself. I LOVE the word 'quirky' cuz it sounds cute and quaint and plucky. But really, it means all the stuff that makes you but a valium away from the mental ward of your local county hospital and/or "how come no one answers their phone when I call?"

I wonder if family members count? I mean, you know, what's quirky about me is more to blame on who I was surrounded by in my youth. My Aunt Emma would be classified as criminally insane quirky. And then don't get me started on MY PARENTS! Woooo-eeeee.

Anyhoo, I think you're supposed to write them about YOU. SO uh, here goes.

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE People's Court. Judge Milian is my favorite Judge in the World. She is all professional and collected UNTIL someone pisses her off and she then pulls out her puertorican street slang and she says stuff in spanish like "como chocolate blah blah que bueno usted hablamos QUIERO!" (or something like that) and then she translates and is all "IF you're gonna order up the chocolate then PAY THE BILL!" I tivo it and it's the first thing I want to do when I get home from work. And when it's a repeat it practically ruins my afternoon.

2. I love mustard on French toast, like regular French's Yellow Mustard. AND syrup. mmmm, that mixture is SO good. SO good that I can't eat french toast without it. This makes ordering it at restaurants tricky. I also scoff at people who put ketchup on eggs, cuz THAT is just gross.

3. I sleep sideways on my bed, like across the top. I keep wondering what will happen when I have a boyfriend sleep over, like how will I arrange that one. Because that's the only way I sleep well.

4. I assess all expenses in terms of how many Mochas that would buy. But only stuff like bills and gas and parking tickets (and for SOME reason I have parking ticket karma, as in, I get A LOT. I have had my cars towed 4 times for that. twice I just left the cars there.) So say, my electric bill is $125, then I am all "GOD!! That is outrageous! I could have 27 mochas for that! Geez. God!" and I get all worked up.

5. I choose cleaning products on the merit of their prettiness. SO, like I HATE Pine Sol. Won't buy it. But, Method products, especially the pink ones? totally. who cares if it works or not, as long as they match and look pretty under the sink, I buy it. It sometimes take me hours in the cleaning section choosing exactly which counter wipes match my wood cleaner wipes. Ditto on dryer sheets. Who wants Bounty's ugly harsh reds and orange and bright yellow when you can have a cute snuggly bear in soothing lavender tones? I would buy Rat Poison if it were made by Martha. And the cute little cascade dishwaser packets that look like little candy nuggets? I LOVE those! Quirky? NO. Practical? YES!

6. What is my favorite thing on any given day? when some assporsche is driving behind me ALL close and CLEARLY annoyed at me driving slow, which of course I am not, and I can see them all frustrated in my rearview, and then they can finally pass me and then they GUN IT and their engines roar and the SPEED past me giving me a dirty look. Then they RACE all the the RED LIGHT just ahead, only to find themselves not only stuck at a red light, but also unfortunately behind a school bus, and then I look over and shake my head and laugh, as I pull ahead to the red light, one bus length in FRONT of them. AHHHAHAAHHAHAA...HA!


Enough said.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ho hummm...what is more boring than TUESDAY morning? I mean, it's not Monday, so you have no excuses for being groggy and out of it, like "UGH! MOnday mornings!" and it's not WED morning, which is midweek, and getting over "the hump" and Thursday morning is lookin' good for the WEEKEND!! woohoo. And then of course friday morning is exciting and relaxing, because freedom is but a mere 8 hours way. But Tuesday is just tuesday.

Whoa, I really have nothing to say here. CLEARLY. This blog has "jumped the shark" like when cousin Oliver joined the brady bunch. It was the beginning of the end. OH! but we ARE down to the final TWO in 'Design Star' which is VERY exciting. I can't wait! If you don't wtch it, YOU NEED TO. HGTV. Sunday night.

uh, what else? ummmm. uhhhhh...I give up. You know, Tuesday morning and all. Oh wait, this is cute, our neighbors have about one million kids, and they're hasidic Jews...and they HATE dogs. But the kids are finally getting used to them, and the younger ones, who got to know Mick as a cute fuzzy puppy, are actually starting to like them. This little girl came up to me the other day and said "I sure do like your golden achievers!" HA! SO cute.

Okay, that's all I have. Maybe if I just go hang out at Target today, or Wal-Mart I'll have some good stories. Cuz there are ALWAYS good idiots who frequent those places!

Friday, July 18, 2008

I'm still alive, BARELY....

When i was driving home from work tonight Celine Dion was on the radio and it was the 'Titanic' song and I found myself oddly soothed by it. I even turned it up. And then I was all singing...."NEAR, FAR, whereEEEEEVER you are...."

Yah, that about sums up a friday night for me. At least a friday night after a week with the Tundinator! Ha! get it!? HA! Except instead of HASTA LA VISTA BABY, he's all HASTA LA CHEESE-A BABY! HA! Those of you who keep saying I need to write a book, are seriously thinking twice right now.

I also actually worked out at the gym last night. the actual gym. voluntarily. The tv shows on in front of me were...
-midget wrestling
-Wheel of fortune
-and some sort of VH1 dance competition

Luckily I had my ipod on. There was a guy in front of me on one of those granny bikes, the kind that are all reclined. He was intently watching one of the TVs, with headphones on, and every few minutes he would whoop and clap and get all excited, in the way guys do when they're watching SPORTS. I kept trying to figure out who he was cheering? the midgets? Dancers? He certainly wasn't that excited about wheel of fortune? But I kept intently watching and his whooping and clapping didn't coincide with ANYTHING on TV. Freak.

Also, on the dance competition thing there was some song called "rock me sexy Jesus." I'm sorry, but midget wrestling aside, THAT IS JUST WRONG! Jesus is NOT SEXY! EWWWWW. Those two words should never EVER go together in a sentence. I mean, I'm practically a heathen, and I am completely offended. Jesus walked around rescuing baby lambs and has long robes and a long beard and birkenstocks. NOT SEXY.

I am SO glad I couldn't hear the words. I was piously listening to Hannah Montana. And Hairspray. And Rent. And Pet Shop Boys. And High School Musical. it's an eclectic mix, one which I could never recommend. But it does keep me running (well, MY version of running, which really, is more like walking. walking fast.) ( Well, MY version of fast. Which is coincidentally like MY version of healthy eating....I like to call it, INTERPRETIVE IMPROVISATIONAL DIETING. I wonder if I could "brand" it?! hmmmm)

Well, so My whole point here is that I haven't been able to move much all week, let alone write anything of interest. Not that it ever IS of interest, per se. And also? One of my new roommates is practically famous. Here's her red carpet moment at the "espy awards" which have something or other to do with sports or something.

Isn't she cute? People ALWAYS mix us up. They always ask if we're twins and stuff. And I'm all "My hair is NOT that long!"

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

A Guy walks into a bar with a duck....

...and other funny things that happened when I was in Tahoe this week.

1. I sent a text message to one of my yoga clients that I wouldn't be in town for his session and this was his reply "Hey baby girl! Don't worry about it. Have fun in Tahoe! See you next week! Uh. Baby girl? BABY GIRL???? Who IS this guy? Where did THAT come from? I don't even wanna know.

2. Blockbuster called to tell me that I hadn't returned "Mad Money" yet and if I didn't I would be charged the value of it blah blah...This was on saturday as I was driving to tahoe. It was still in my trunk. And today what showed up on my checking acct. was "$117 BLOCKBUSTER.... Excuse me, but ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS? FOR MAD MONEY? And even though I know the money will be refunded once I return it (I go through this every time, really) I was still outraged that they had the nerve to even pretend that mad money is worth $117. Now THAT? (unlike the movie) is FUNNY!
**though, really, it's one of those movies that is dumb, but also you kinda like it, but is still SO dumb, so you can't actually say you liked it, even though you kinda did.

3. I was waiting in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and an old lady next to me says "you been workin' out?" and I was all wow! it shows! all my hard work has PAID off and I have SO MUCH MUSCLE that strangers notice!!!(even strangers who can barely see!) And as my head was swelling with pride and also puzzled that it was THAT noticeable, I said with false humility "oh, umm, well, yah, a little here and there" and then she looked at my shirt and I looked down and realized it was all wet from spilling my water down my front, and what she was REFERRING to in her little old lady "humor" was that I was "sweaty" from working out. Like she thought she was making a little joke. Yah REAL FUNNY GRANDMA.

4. Different bathroom in a super nice quiet restaurant in a private members only resort lodge in the mountains. All the stalls were these giant wood doors and they were all closed. They were like little toilet log cabins. And I went to push open a door and there was someone in it. "oops. sorry" I said as I shut the door. and then I hear "HEY! GEEEZ. HEY! GEEZ. WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING! GEEZ! YOU THINK YOU'D KNOCK FIRST! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE! GEEZ!" and I was like 'I SAID I was sorry. I OBVIOUSLY didn't know you were in there" and then "GEEZ! WELL THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! AND YOU JUST BANGED MY HEAD AND REALLY HURT ME AND THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! GEEZ! WHAT DID YOU THINK! SOME PEOPLE!!" and I was all " ALL the doors are closed. Why don't you try locking it? and then "YOU HURT MY HEAD! YOU BANGED ME IN THE HEAD! I WAS IN HERE! GEEZ! SOME PEOPLE" (she was actually still in there) and I finally just shut up. there was nothing more to say really, and I was lost in the "why" was her head so close to the door?? I'm still standing there because now I'm terrified that they're all filled or something when in fact they were all empty and she comes out, and she's like old and maybe even drunk I realize, and I am waiting for some big confrontation and she says "There's no toilet paper in that stall, by the way." and washes her hands, pats her white hair, and leaves. oookkkkayyyyeeeee.

I guess it's not just YOGA people I hate.

Friday, July 04, 2008

it's just july 4th to me

mmm...I just had a mani/pedi at the asian place at the corner. THANK GOD they were open. This is what I love about our diverse culture, people who don't celebrate american stuff and provide all the services I might need. UN-fortunately this also includes Tunde, who beat me up earlier. When i was on the floor begging for mercy and "holiday" reprieve he just stood over me and laughed that deep african laugh that says "I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE THREE BABIES AND A KITTEN, I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD ANYWAY"

I also got a "massage." but it was a massage from my nail lady, which means they have no real masseuse training or anything. They just like, squeeze and knead wherever. I don't even mind that, and it feels good enough, but the $10 price feels better. At the end of it they karate chop your back, and this woman WENT TO TOWN. I was clutching the massage chair with my dear life. And since she has no training she was chopping my spine and bones. (Naturally, I never say anything) THEN when she was done she stopped for a sec....and then started smacking me, literally, with cupped hands. She hit me harder than even my big brother at the worst of out fights. My BIG. FOOTBALL. PLAYING. BROTHER.

So I am on my couch now, unable to move from having been at the mercy of two different continents and their "holiday special"

at least my toes look pretty.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

diet schmiet

I have been doing SO well on my little no bread/no cheese/no sweets diet. Seriously TWO WHOLE WEEKS and I didn't even cheat AT ALL. SO, naturally I had TACO BELL last night. I caved. But in my defense, I only ordered ONE item, as opposed to the 4 or 5 I used to get. I got the AMAZING spicy nacho crunchwrap.

I mean TWO WHOLE WEEKS is just unNATURAL. And technically a tortilla isn't bread. Nor is a fried corn tortilla. Nor is delicious processes who-knows-what-parts-of cow-chopped "meat", and NOR is processed DELICIOUS melted in your mouth nacho cheese sauce.

mmmm....the memory will keep me alive for a day FOREVER!

But this morning I have ALL this energy, hence this post. I have been so tired and sore and exhausted that words were scrambled in my brain. So, I will assert here and now that Taco Bell FUELS your brain. it's um, GOOD FOR you, in it's own yummy cheesy way.

Of course, what happens in blog land STAYS in blog land which is precisely why A) I only tell a privileged few about this blog, and B) why Tunde will never ever know about it.

Needless to say, this little indiscretion is will be recorded in my food diary like this. "lean steak with lettuce, tomato, & corn salad" WELL, it could be true.

So I guess you can assume, that when I blog now, I have probably eaten something, um, energetic.

also...this is me on my diet.