STAGE MOM....

I may not be famous (yet) but LOOK AT MY DOG!!! (these are videos from a new TV show!! If you're super bored, just click on a designer and watch my new meal ticket do his job!) I couldn't be prouder (wipe tear). Now, where's that paycheck Mick!? Momma needs a new pair o' shoes!

summer lovin' and eyelashes

Yesterday was a really fun day swimming with my nephew drew and the dogs. It was a perfect summer day, so I thought....





...hmmmm....the dogs are wet....and carin had that whole wet-eyelash-photo-challenge. And there were pics like this etc...And I LOVE challenges, but was all "hmmm, I don't have kids" So when my precious "children" were in the pool and I had my little point and shoot camera....I was all "HEY! I don't have to be left out of the challenge! My dogs have eyelashes!!! I'l show THEM wet eyelashes!"

SO after about 4 hours, I got THIS.



And then FINALLY this.



Challenge indeed! It was like a comedy show. Me. trying to get eyelash pictures. of MY DOGS. Well, I've HAD dumber ideas in life. Mick didn't know what the hell I was doing. When I would hold his head with all my might, he would roll his eyes all the way back. (the first pic) When I would put the ball by my feet so he'd look down he would look side to side so fast all I could finally manage was ONE wet eyelash...barely. Drew just shook his head at me and after a looonnnnggggg time was even all "auntie kristi....WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" As I told him the whole eyelash challenge, out of breath from chasing them around, he just looked at me puzzled, shrugged his shoulders (in the way only kids can do when they think adults have completely lost their shit and there's a small look of horror on their innocent faces for that flash of thought that this might happen to them when they're adults) and was like "whatever" and jumped in the pool.

Maybe I'll just start dressing the dogs up in cute hats and leggings for my photo shoots. Or maybe it's just time to start reproducing.....

hmmmmm...

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I'm going out to baby gap now, to see if they have any cute leggings for maggie.

I know this is a cop out...

and yet...it's SO funny I cried laughing about 5 times. In a row. I had to keep pushing PLAY because I laughed so hard.

ME in 30 years!!

There are a few reasons I have gone MIA.

1. I was innocently listing my old iphone on ebay and I got sucked right into the vacuous hole of "bargains" on ebay. This isn't even past tense. I am checking my bids as we speak. I already won a Diane Von Furstenberg dress ($69!!!) and have several other auctions in the works. oooh, I also SCORED on the iphone sale...$600!!! If you have an old iphone...SELL IT. (and to think, I almost 'gave' it to my brother!)

2. I have some sort of throat/ear/sinus infection. it keeps coming and going. I finally went ti the doctor and was told I can't work out for two weeks. yah, I drove home in tears. tears of JOY! So that makes my life pretty boring too. Yet, I have WAY more energy. More enegy to ebay!

3. This whole condo buying thing is the most stressful pain in the ass thing I have ever done. EVER. When My gay friend got excommunicated from his church, he had to sit in front of like 12 guys, and go over all his indiscretions, which I am pretty sure are called sins and him being gay and all, there were a LOT of sins to be accounted for. I don't really remember or know what went on in there, I just remember how horrifying it would be to sit in front of 12 men who were all "....item number Three Hundred Twenty Two: tell us about the incident behind the bleachers at the BYU game...WITH THE COACH...AND THE QUARTEBACK....AND THE TUBA PLAYER!!!!!!" Well, That's how I FEEL going to every different bank to get my loan and pulling out my credit report. over. and over. and over. I have now been "excommunicated" from Wells Fargo, FIrst Republic, and Charles Schwab.

That's about it. Oh, and also season 4 of "Rescue Me" is on DVD. And there are a LOT of good books out now, books I haven't even begun to read! tragic.

sigh.

I have to go re-do my '07 taxes now. Seems I left off a few things. That's SO FUN. I might be excommunicated from the government soon too.

Hostess with the Mostest

This is just one of those mornings where I woke up craving stuff. If I didn't have Tunde in 3 hours I might have caved. AND while watching FOX news there was a commercial for pizza rolls! AND then following that was one for pillsbury toaster streudels, where they pull it apart and the frosting melts with the strawberry filling...

TORTURE! IT couldn't have been worse unless it followed with a hostess commercial. hey, why aren't there any hostess commercials? Have they been banned? Like, they're SO bad for you there has been an ordinance to not show them on TV like cigarettes? And what ever happened to Dolly madison? I think my next pet will be named dolly madison. La La La.

I bet Suze Ormon would yell at me for eating hostess stuff. (TUNDE: I did NOT eat any ding dongs this week. I was just SAYING that Suze Ormon would yell at me, like IF I ate them how I USED to. past Tense. It was a JOKE)

When I was about 6, My grandma Nita and I saved Knudsen Yogurt tops for tickets to the circus in San Diego. She would bundle them together with rubber bands in packs of ten. We ate a LOT of yogurt. I forget how many we needed, but we made the quota and she got two tickets to the circus, AND two train tickets to get down there. I had NEVER been on a train. It was probably the most exciting trip I ever took. When we were on the train she handed me a little backpack FILLED with cracker jacks, Tab soda, and gulp, THREE packets of hostess donuts. Chocolate. Powdered. Crumb. I was beside myself. (My mom would NEVER buy those. they were forbidden. Our 'sugar' 'treat' was raisin bran IF she was feeling jovial. I used to get to the box first and dump it out and take out ALL the sugar coated raisins, all but like 10. Then I would eat them in one bowl and by the time Craig got to the box, I would be all "wow...not too many raisins in there, huh!)

SO, anyway, My grandma said I could eat ONE packet now, and then save the rest for the circus. I don't even remember the stupid circus. I just remember that backpack sitting on my lap, counting the second until I could eat my donuts.

It started early, those addictions. Our parents' attempts to keep us off sugar just eventually backfired. By the time I got to college I went hostess Crazy. My roommate And I discovered the HOSTESS OUTLET. I bought in bulk. Raisin bran gave way to A LOT of captain crunch and lucky charms (mmmmm Lucky charms!!)

Ah, those were the days. The good ole days 'o plenty.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY MICK!!!!

FROM THIS...


TO THIS





Dear Mick,

It has been, ummm, an eventful year with you. You were SO cute that first day I brought you home. I had NO idea what ticked underneath all that yellow cottony fur. The first 10 minutes home you fell asleep right on my shoes. And I was all "WHAT a sweet little angel!"

That was the last time I ever said those words. sigh. As soon as you woke up the "fun" began. You were SO tiny that you fit under EVERYTHING. You loved my bed best. you would get under there where I couldn't reach you and just run around in circles and bark. And later, I realized that you were probably barking at all the mattress material you had ripped out from the box spring. You were not a snuggly puppy. You liked your private sleep space. You slept in ever tiny crevice in the house, you liked it behind the recliner chair.

You would play hard, and then pass out.

toys lasted about 20 minutes when you were involved. But by then you would be passed out and when you slept, and ONLY when you were asleep did I sigh and think "you are so sweet..when you're sleeping"

Every single day I would say to myself "I am giving him away. He is crazy. I can't have a crazy dog. My other two are PERFECT. Why did I have to go screw it all up?! I neeed to give him away while he's still so cute, so people don't suspect what's really there. They'll be suckered into his cuteness like I was." But then everyday, lucky for you, you would sleep, and I would change my mind. Never did you get that your precious life hung in the balance of those naps...or maybe you did.

I finally told myself that if i actually PAY for professional photographs, and actually get a good Christmas card picture out of it, then I would be more inclined to keep you. It worked. Whenever I started posting a 'craigslist' ad I would pull up iphoto and just look at how sweet you are...in pictures. I'd try to forget the sweat and dirt and HUNDREDS of frames and treats it took to get those shots, and then the two nights of diarrhea that ensued from all those treats. I uploaded all your pics onto my iphone so I could bring them up at any time to remind myself why I love you. I stared at those pictures A LOT.

Soon enough, as the weeks went by and you got bigger you couldn't fit into you nap time crawl spaces, which frustrated you to no end. you tried and tried. And quickly though, you went from sleeping under things, to being perfectly comfortable on top of things. You have been comfortable there ever since.
From day one, when you tried to nurse off of Maggie, and she kicked you down, you were confused by her lack of maternal insincts, but in love with your new doggie family. They put you in your place over and over and over, yet you never gave up.

They made you keep your distance at first, and it took a while for Beck to warm up to your annoying ways, but eventually you became one of the pack. and that's all you cared about. I could have fallen down in an epileptic fit and you would have yawned, but if Beck even LOOKED AT YOU it would make you wiggle and squirm with glee.
You were sad when Beck Died and you lost your idol, and that's when you and Maggie bonded for life. You still, however, ignore me.

Now, I still don't get you, but i can't imagine life without you. I mean I CAN, it looks tranquil on the other side of the fence, but you make life, umm, interesting. You love and are fascinated with the bathtub.

You dig holes, BIG holes, holes you can stand your full body in. Where ever there is loose dirt, and/or loose bedsheets, you try to dig holes. You even tried to dig a hole IN the bathtub for some reason.

You drink out of the toilet, a habit NONE of my other dogs have ever had. You steal all the neighbors newspapers and trot around with them. this makes me laugh, so I haven't corrected that behavior. It only makes me laugh though, until you bring them all into the house and shred each one. You like that. shredding. You "wake" me by jumping on my face and then wrestling with maggie. on my face. You LOVE my Ugg Boots. You pull every single one out of my closet. You dont ruin them, per se, you just take them all out and toss them around the living room. Or you just get them all out and sit with them. One has to wonder if you think they're some sort of furry little precious baby in your eyes.


You still are, and probably always will be a complete pain in the ass. But you have made me laugh and cry...and cry...and cry. I love you TONS. Though, i do still need to keep Carin's photo shoot on hand. Very close at hand.

PS. Mick would like you all to know he is registered at Petco and The Barking Lot.

I am "THIS MANY" years old (holds up 37 fingers)

My life was hard enough to manage as it was. Then I got a car Payment, And I was all "woohoo! I'm an ADULT now!" "I have a CAR payment!!" As if that was exciting, and novel, and chic and cutting edge. A milestone, as it were. The novelty has worn off.

THEN I lost my brain function and got a trainer and I was all "woohoo! I am SOOO HOLLYWOOD. I have a trainer" THAT novelty AND expense wore off on session two, during the 456th push-up.

NOW I decided since I am officially broke (for real, I have $2.57 in my "savings" acct. Seriously) that I would buy a condo (though, SUPER cute and New York-y) and have a mortgage! How exciting! my very first mortgage. And I can be all "man, I gotta pay that MORTGAGE instead of stupid juvenile rent. I am TRULY an adult! (adults can still eat Zingers though!) ( I mean I'm NOT eating Vanilla Zingers with Yellow vanilla frosting. I would NEVER eat those now. I am working out with my trainer) (who, incidentally reads this blog)(because my "friend" Ashley Pittman Big Mouth told him about it!)

Where was I? Oh yah. I am officially an adult with a mortgage, trainer and car payment! Then I was watching Suze Ormon yesterday (I was sick, there's NOTHING else on tv sunday afternoons) When I see her shows on, I usually RACE down the cable guide page as if I never saw it. I'd rather watch a lifetime original movie about cheerleaders, or, or, the mexican channel. But I figured that now since I actually have, what's it called, oh yah, assets that mayyyybbeeee I could learn something. Get a little tidbit of financial wizardry.

She was yelling at women as usual, about how STUPID they are to buy a brand new car and have a car payment! How irresponsible it was to NOT have a hefty savings account! How getting into a mortgage without having 6 months back-up payments was outright mental! (she used LOTS of exclamation points) How you should always put 20% of your income into savings (pfft. right) How having a trainer is ridiculous!(okay, maybe that last one wasn't said....but I know she meant to!)

Then she started speaking Chinese, crazy words like 401k and sub-prime loans and retirement plans (retirement? what?)

I watched. I listened. Then I changed the channel to I Love Lucy Shoving all that crazy talk outta my mind. Like a horror film. Or a scary commercial FOR a horror film that you wish you hadn't seen.

My point? I am not THAT much of an adult...maybe in my 60's.

make you laugh for the weekend

I don't know what made me laugh more, his shirt, or his "moves"

also? his very last move, I wanna do to certain "yoga" students and/or teachers. I could incorporate into down dog, no?

US weekly is comin' next

I am ALMOST famous. I made it onto someone famous's website. She's a model in NY and LA. I think. I don't really know her. But keep scrolling sideways and see my first debut in publicity. Paparazzi, here I come!