'tis the season to choke you with tinsel

Oh Boy. JUST when I got the tree up.

  And downloaded my new FAVORITE Christmas album..(I mean the cover ALONE is enough)

JUST when I received this AWESOME present in the mail...

JUST when I was gettin' Jolly....SOME jackhole had to get into the elevator with me and say (first off, DON'T TALK IN THE ELEVATOR) "Are you having a good day?"

I said, "WHAT?"

She said "Are you having a good day?" (WITH concerned face)(furrowed brows. half smile)

I said "A GOOD DAY?? AM I having a good day?????"

She said, and added more concerned look "yes. Did you have a good day?"

I said " Umm. I guess. yah. sure."

She said, all purposeful and thoughtful like, nodding her head "good. good. Well, the worst is over, right?" Then jumped off.

WHAT?!?!?!??!

Seriously I was clenching my fists. SHE IS SO LUCKY HER FLOOR CAME UP. I mean WTF? Is she one of Santa's self appointed freakin elves? Who asks stupid stuff like that to strangers?? IN AN ELEVATOR?? I could tell she was one of those stupid self imposed do-gooder hippies who aren't hippies cuz they also go to expensive gyms. So they're EVEN MORE pious than regular poor hippies because they see themselves as even BETTER than poor hippies because hey! I am rich AND altruistic! Look at me! Money hasn't ruined me!! la di da di da!

It took like, 4 rounds of mellow style 'Drummer Boy' to calm me down. That and a glass of wine. Let me just tell you this is my first Christmas in 3 years WITHOUT MEDS. I should try one more..

...or just have more wine. I don't even drink btw. But my friends left a bunch of cheap ass two-buck-chuck in my fridge from Thanksgiving. And I dunno, I just instinctually just reached for it tonight. Hopefully I'm not blogging from Celeb rehab this time next year. Anyhoo, IGNORITOL.

I wish I had a cat....

I totally stole this from Dooce, but this make me laugh so damn hard that I just HAD to!

PS. DOn't watch it here...go to youtube cuz I can't figure out how to make the video FIT my screen.

THIS is why I wish a had a kid. A girl kid.

Christian Louboutins! For Barbie!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

My good friend sent me this and I just cracked up so much that I re-watched immediately. Hope you're as stuffed as I am!
xoxo

Saturday Morning Sleep in

Look who's made himself right at home. And yes. That is all mud and dirt. And yes. that is my bed. Aren't you jealous of my FAB life?

girl porn

ZOOBORNS.COM!

You're welcome. Have a great weekend!

Aren't you like 40? Yah...TOP 40, Sweet Cheeks!

My friend arrived on my doorstep this morning with a  thermos of fresh homemade coffee and my present of Ugg slippers!

Now, I LOVE Ugg slippers. And I LOVE coffee.

But as I opened my present I couldn't help but laugh at how, even though I attempted to cancel my bday, my excitement over these old lady gifts was a SURE sign that I have crossed over the 30's threshold. 

The time has come my old, approaching 40 friends, where we get SLIPPERS as presents. 

AND WE LIKE IT.

Now, I for REAL am canceling the birthday where I start getting glass figurines and Hummel collectibles. 

debbie downer

I can't even BELIEVE Thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK!?!?!

How is this happening? HOW? It's 80 degrees outside! How am I even supposed to WANT to fire up my oven for a 10 lb turkey when it's SUMMER?? Why can't Cheryl's deliver turkeys WITH their cookies? (And, while I'm making demands/suggestions, I wish they'd give me free cookies for all this advertising I'm doing! )(and also change that name. I mean Cheryl's? Really?)

I'm very cranky these days. Which is EVIDENT given that I haven't even MENTIONED (let alone hinted at all the stuff I want)(with links) my Bday. That is because I have decided that it's cancelled this year.

I am canceling my birthday. (Why does cancelled have two L's and canceling have only one? WHY???)

I'm just not ready. It's too damn hot. And I am too busy playing Cesar Milan to have anything resembling a real life. I just spent another $75 on amazon buying DOG TREATS, which is ALMOST more shameful than my cookie splurge of last week.

I need a vacation. Somewhere cold. NO DOGS ALLOWED.


If I don't get a vacation soon I may end up back on my therapists couch which I SO don't wanna do A.Because I'd rather spend my money on cookies shoes and B. I'd probably just lie about everything because I've clearly regressed since my last sessions a couple years ago. I just don't know how I could fess up to a third dog, a cookie PROBLEM, AND how I almost kicked someone out of my class last week because she was chewing gum AND wore giant furry boots on an 80 degree day. I mean THAT is totally justified....but the third dog? No way. Shame central!

Maybe I should just go to Chipotle. That always make the world seem a brighter place. And speaking of that, I'll leave you with this article which is hilarious....

HOW TO EAT AT CHIPOTLE

Namaste!

**Thanks Vanessa's Facebook

Keep! Coming! Back!

If only there were an anonymous weekly meeting for my life. Not anything specific. But just a general "F*cked-ups Anonymous" type meeting to cover it all.

"Hello. My name is Yogabitch. And I am F*CKED UP"

I'm not sad about it or anything. It would just be nice to have a support group is all. A sea of nodding heads going "yah....been there. Done that. You spent your rent money on ONE pair of shoes? ME TOO!"

"You purposely farted near that one super annoying chick in yoga? After a lunch of Indian food? Extra spicy curry? Yup. That was my twenties, girl!"

You have 29 different bottles of hair product on your shelf? That you don't use? But they're FRENCH! Yah. I got a CLOSET full of the stuff. You GO GIRL!"

if only.

But then again. I have you guys. SO Just nod and smile and know you're not alone. No matter how BAD you might think you act....there's me.

Hello.

My name is YogaBitch.

And I am F*cked up. I've been in a downward shame spiral for the last two weeks. Rock bottom? Well. Let's hope. But I have a feeling it's just more of the same ole same ole.

1. My SUPER awesome friends sent me a WHOLE BOX. (36!) Of the best cookies IN.THE.WORLD. last week. It was a total surprise. I thought it was a box of books I had ordered from amazon. (see #2) I'm sure you're already predicting that OF COURSE I ate the entire box. My friends even told me how well said cookies "freeze." yah. We, (the cookies and I) never made it that far. But you knew that already. Cut to ONE WEEK LATER where I ended up on that website ordering not ONE but TWO more boxes. (this cookie company is VERY manipulative) Delivered TO ME. FROM ME. The shame. Especially when you go to check out and the pop-up  says "include gift message?" and you click "No, proceed to checkout." I spent $75. On cookies. FOR MYSELF. When they do finally arrive I will put on my best "OH MY GOSH LOOK WHAT SOMEONE SENT ME" face.

2. I can't stop ordering books on Amazon. (But at least they're not cookies) Some of them are teen books. For teens. Maybe I can at least re-gift them to my nephew. or something. But they're SO good! 

3. I may be single. But I'm not lonely! Who says money can't buy love? 11 inches of love! Best part? When I'm tired I just slam it shut. And when I need it again? It comes up instantly. No need to wait and wait for reboot. God Created Adam, Eve, and Mac. Right? This is NORMAL! Right?

4.What's wrong with this picture? Yep. That's one....two...THREE??? Whatevs. Call me Kody Brown. I've brought in a third. What? Love should multiply! I keep saying he's just visiting. Until I get him a real home.  No one believes me. I swear he's NOT STAYING! And I'm starting my diet again. Tomorrow! (except I think that's when my two cookie boxes will arrive) (but no matter...HE'S NOT STAYING)

You're up next. Take the podium. Make me feel like I'm not alone here.

Why is the comments section empty?

WHY???????