Friday, November 12, 2010

Keep! Coming! Back!

If only there were an anonymous weekly meeting for my life. Not anything specific. But just a general "F*cked-ups Anonymous" type meeting to cover it all.

"Hello. My name is Yogabitch. And I am F*CKED UP"

I'm not sad about it or anything. It would just be nice to have a support group is all. A sea of nodding heads going "yah....been there. Done that. You spent your rent money on ONE pair of shoes? ME TOO!"

"You purposely farted near that one super annoying chick in yoga? After a lunch of Indian food? Extra spicy curry? Yup. That was my twenties, girl!"

You have 29 different bottles of hair product on your shelf? That you don't use? But they're FRENCH! Yah. I got a CLOSET full of the stuff. You GO GIRL!"

if only.

But then again. I have you guys. SO Just nod and smile and know you're not alone. No matter how BAD you might think you act....there's me.

Hello.

My name is YogaBitch.

And I am F*cked up. I've been in a downward shame spiral for the last two weeks. Rock bottom? Well. Let's hope. But I have a feeling it's just more of the same ole same ole.

1. My SUPER awesome friends sent me a WHOLE BOX. (36!) Of the best cookies IN.THE.WORLD. last week. It was a total surprise. I thought it was a box of books I had ordered from amazon. (see #2) I'm sure you're already predicting that OF COURSE I ate the entire box. My friends even told me how well said cookies "freeze." yah. We, (the cookies and I) never made it that far. But you knew that already. Cut to ONE WEEK LATER where I ended up on that website ordering not ONE but TWO more boxes. (this cookie company is VERY manipulative) Delivered TO ME. FROM ME. The shame. Especially when you go to check out and the pop-up  says "include gift message?" and you click "No, proceed to checkout." I spent $75. On cookies. FOR MYSELF. When they do finally arrive I will put on my best "OH MY GOSH LOOK WHAT SOMEONE SENT ME" face.

2. I can't stop ordering books on Amazon. (But at least they're not cookies) Some of them are teen books. For teens. Maybe I can at least re-gift them to my nephew. or something. But they're SO good! 

3. I may be single. But I'm not lonely! Who says money can't buy love? 11 inches of love! Best part? When I'm tired I just slam it shut. And when I need it again? It comes up instantly. No need to wait and wait for reboot. God Created Adam, Eve, and Mac. Right? This is NORMAL! Right?



4.What's wrong with this picture? Yep. That's one....two...THREE??? Whatevs. Call me Kody Brown. I've brought in a third. What? Love should multiply! I keep saying he's just visiting. Until I get him a real home.  No one believes me. I swear he's NOT STAYING! And I'm starting my diet again. Tomorrow! (except I think that's when my two cookie boxes will arrive) (but no matter...HE'S NOT STAYING)

You're up next. Take the podium. Make me feel like I'm not alone here.

Why is the comments section empty?

WHY???????

14 comments:

NIKOL said...

When we ordered the cookies, I ordered the same box for myself. "Three dozen cookies - surely this will last us forever!" They are gone. Except for the three that I tucked in the back of the freezer basically to ensure that I got more cookies than that kids.

My addiction to Amazon is well documented. Amazon Prime with it's lusty two-day free shipping has just made it worse.

So, you're not alone. Also...where are you living? Are you back in NYC?

NIKOL said...

PS: I really hate it when I post a comment and then find typos. It irritates me.

Kris said...

I'm ashamed that I've become a cookie pusher. I've gotten lots of my friends and family addicted. I'm not proud of it. But DANG! They are the best, aren't they? And they make such a nice gift!

I too spend way too much on an overabundance of beauty products that I never use. Just bought more last night. I mean, I basically HAD TO, because Sephora invited me to a special VIP party, and gave me Godiva chocolates and 20% off. I couldn't say no. That would just be rude.

And who can blame you for another Golden Retriever? They are pretty much the best dogs on the planet.

P.S. I LOVE Hunger Games too, so absolutely no judgement there. I added the Dash & Lily book to my wishlist because it sounded cool. You got good taste!

Kelli said...

The character in my book just spent her rent check on shoes-granted is was several pairs, but still. (That doesn't count, does it?)
I don't order cookies, I usually just bake them.
Um.
I spend too much money at Starbucks?
I've got nothing.

Karen Peterson said...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to try these cookies to see for myself if they are really the best in the world.

Ever since I bought my super cheap and super awesome Motorola Droid 2 from Amazon instead of Verizon, I'm kinda addicted too...

Jillybean said...

I'm betting that the dog stays.

You can tell people that he's just there to help you eat all of those cookies.

rychelle said...

i love cookies. and teen lit. and mail. just sayin'.

VerDell Christiansen said...

Sister K,

I feel pretty sure the Lord loves you in spite of your profanity. What a nice, fluffy bunch of dogs you have!! It's hard to feel lonely, with so much four-legged love in your bed.

Now that I know you're a cookie lover, I think you'll adore my gluten-free, almost-oatmeal cookies. I've sent you a batch by parcel post.

Yours,
V. C.

PS. HAPPY FORTIETH.

Carin said...

You are perfect just the way you are!
So are those cute dogs!!!!

Come see us!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I don't know, that all sounds pretty darn normal to me. Hey, if the cookies were good, you'd sure hate them to get freezer burn, right? There, that's better.

Melanie Jacobson said...

I just started reading the Vampire Academy series. Yay. Yet another thing I can never admit publicly.

But I just did. So . . .

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Well, I have an inability to say no to anything PTA. Or anything else for that matter. My house is a disaster and I'm the one expected to actually clean it up. I was mocked all weekend long for not having a smart phone & then they moved on to my name. And I don't have a smart phone.

Nodding and smiling, nodding and smiling....

dede said...

had I read this when you first asked me to take the dog, I would've said yes!! Sorry I'm so behind on blogging - enjoy the pup!

(pretty sure Carin has invited you to come see us in every comment for the last few months, so where are you???)

dede said...

oh, and bring some of those cookies when you come!
xoxo