Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Trapper John, M.D.

I just went to get a "physical" at a "doctor's" office.

Now, I haven't had a physical, in umm, well, 3rd grade maybe? dunno. Mostly because I HATE doing stuff like that and even though it's "just a $20 co-pay" there are ALWAYS hidden charges from my ghetto insurance company. But anyhoo I was bored the other day, People's Court was in re-runs, and I just decided to schedule every doctor appointment possible. After all I pay $100 a month for this lame insurance, that DOESN'T even cover the ONE doctor I see every week, so i figured I should use it.

I had to fill out one of those lame forms where you lie a lot. And they ask those questions about family history to which I know none. I mean, who does? It asked about my maternal great grandmother. And her health history. Well, i don't even know my own mother's health history, and the sad part is, I didn't even know my parent's ages. they're in their mid sixties somewhere. after 50, it's all the same...just old.

(my dad reads this blog. It's gonna be a dry christmas for me)

Then the questionnaire asks funny things like "do you have a problem with food?"

wellll, isn't that kind of subjective. By FOOD, do they mean, oreos? And is coffee included in the FOOD category? I mean I have a problem with SOME foods, but I have NO problem overeating, say spinach (well, unless it's the costo spinach dip) or tofu or wheat grass...So I answered the obvious "NO"

And then of course you answer NO and you then get weighed. I just looked at the ceiling and whistled.

Then I SEE the ole doc and I explained that I had gained a heftly load of weight these last 2 years, but you know, NOT cuz I have a "problem" with food, it was you know, a 'problem' with LA. I said all this AS IF I had been skinny before, never ever had a weight issue," just these last two years. oh well, what're you gonna do?"

so he asked, "what are you going to do?"

And I said matter of fact, that you know, I work out now. I spin.

Then he says, and I quote "you know, they have found that you actually lose weight from actually taking in LESS food, LESS calories"

uhhhh. you think?

and then "and studies have actually shown that people who weigh everyday are successful in weight loss, whereas people who DON'T weigh every day gain it back"

K, I have been weighing myself everyday since I was 5, hmmmm.

Aside from all this nonsense, he was fat. not BIGGEST LOSER fat, but for sure "hefty." he must not weigh EVERY DAY.

THIS? is why I hate going to doctors. They tell you stuff you already know from the internet. I personally believe they are moving towards obsolete. They're only good for prescription meds in my book.


whore said...

whatevs. fat is the new black. live it, love it baby!!!

vanessa said...

shite dude, shite. you should go to my dr where he says things like, "you've gained weight because your doshas are out of balance. kapha is aggravated." huh?! i'm not sure i even understand who 'kapha' is but as long as it's not my fault? i'm cool w/ that.

Star Jones, JD said...

do you include juris doctors in your analysis. As a lwayer, I like to be called a doctor as well

Carin Davis said...

I would rather go to spinning than get a physical...and the last time I went spinning...was after the first time I went spinning!!!!