HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

INTERIOR: Carmine's Italian Restaurant

SCENE: Birthday Lunch with Mom and Mom's Husband. Not having much in to say, conversation turns to Thanksgiving...


MOM: I can get you a great fresh turkey if you want. I ordered 6 of them, just in case.

(Explaining the "just in case" is the story of my life. wait till my autobiography comes out)

ME: Thanks, are they organic? I only use organic.

MOM: (looks insulted and angry that I am being picky about a free turkey offer) well, they don't SAY organic. Personally i can't
STAND organic turkeys. no flavor. eww.

ME: Well, I just don't want all the antibiotics and hormones.

STEPFATHER: hey. do you know HOW to make a hormone?

(a beat)

STEPFATHER: Don't pay her!

(he is turning beat red laughing)

ME: (speechless) (not sure which chapter addresses this in dr. phil's "Family First" book) (do I acknowledge this? pretend to laugh? roll my eyes?) (am confused)

MOM: (ignores and interrupts)(thank god!) Hey! do you have any gay friends in their 60's?

ME: uh, NO. why would I even KNOW any gay men in their 60's? I don't even have any regular friends in their 60's!

MOM: Well I'm just trying to find a date for my friend peter. He's SUCH a nice guy. And I figured you might know someone! you
have so many gay friends. Maybe Joe knows someone?

ME; I don't. He doesn't.

(some silence)

(I go back to my pizza)

(she bites her salad, contemplating)

MOM: (looking at me seriously) hey. do you suppose gay men have more oral sex or anal sex?



So, it's come to this. Happy birthday.