Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Grief is a strange thing for sure. I have never really experienced it in my life, which I think is both a blessing and a hinderance. Beck was my first real heartbreak, watching the life leave his eyes, was, literally gut-wrenching.

Now I am in new York with maggie. watching her be depressed about it is even worse. Today was the first day that I didn't wake up crying. Though just writing those few sentences started it up again. It's weird. Nothing really triggers it. I'll be walking down the street, seemingly fine, and a memory will just pop up in my head and start the tears. ( I wear contacts and when I cry they get blurry until I take them out and rinse them, so this is a problem!)

I have only been able to sleep at night by taking ambien. I was SO tired last night that I didn't take one and then had a dream that beck was still alive, and when I woke up I felt my heart squeeze tight. THAT was the worst.

I don't know what I would do without my friends and family right now. I knew I had amazing solid friends, but this just reinforced it. I will say this too, that you don't realize how blessed you are... HOW REALLY BLESSED you are to have people who are there for you. In the smallest ways. Even the people who commented on his video...all that stuff helps. SO if ever you're not sure what to say to someone who has lost someone, for me anyway, EVERYTHING had a good impact.

And Carin...Seriously, The memories you gave me I will treasure for the rest of my life. I look at them EVERY day and thank God that you took those. You captured EXACTLY who he was. I can't express my gratitude enough.

ANyway, I'm going out to dinner, and now I have to rinse my contacts...again.


carin said...

i am crying again too! what amazing memories and a beautiful relationship you have to hold on to. he seemed to be a wise, sweet soul in an adorable dog's body. i feel privileged to have been able to be there!

Connie said...

So sorry for you Christi -
Just so you know - Dede's been out of town (kids are off-track). She'll be back tonight or tomorrow.

ashley said...

:( im just reading this for the first time since we talked. so sad. love you xox