i'll die if i don't get a donut!!

K, so it is late nite, i'm exhausted to the point where i don't even have the energy to capitalize my i's. it was a snowy weird PMS type day where my emotions ran high, from sorrow to bliss in 2 seconds flat. where i tried to rationalize with my dogs when they were being loud "why are you barking?" i said..."what point does it serve, huh beck? huh maggie? are you listening...I said what point does your barking serve? don't you see that there's no one there? why do you have to bark when I CLEARLY said no?!? If you don't stop then NO park tonight? do you hear me ...no park!"

yah...it was that kind of day, uneventful enough to relay any drama to exude sympathy from my friends, eventful enough that I still had to work, and pretend to be present all the while my mind racing in between the pathalogical liar on today's oprah to Hilary's dress at the oscars.

Then my friend wrote an entire blog about fat people and their "accountability." I was revved up on that one boy oh boy. I had to teach a yoga class...the poor students who got the leftover rage on that topic and they had no idea....let's just say there was more sweat than usual. So I walked the long way home in the freezing cold to just argue the topic in my head, rehearsing the perfect editorial. Then I had cramps and I got home and while I silently raged I ate 2 brownies and a donut. for dinner.
that'll show HIM! then I was out of food, and for a split second i felt frantic. where could i get another donut this late??? WHERE??????
then america's next top model came on and i could numb out on that instead. ahhhhhh
so you see? i am not accountable for that behavior! I had no choice. i am pmsing and raging inside...how ELSE am i supposed to cope?!??!? yoga? HA! is it really my fault that my mom deprived me of junk food in the golden age, the rise even, of McDonalds, right in the prime of my youth...so that i am an adult now consumed with thoughts of spending ALL my money one day at McDonalds?! so that if i see a stray cookie on a random table my mind not only notices the cookie, but says "who's cookie IS that? did they leave it on purpose? are they coming back for it? or did it drop of a plate of cookies? i wish that was MY cookie or I wish i could find the owner and just stare at him while he freely eats that cookie without a care in the world."
sigh.
i'll NEVER be able to eat a cookie without a care in the world. even in my skinniest days, i know EXACTLY how many calories are in EVERY cookie, and every single time i eat a cookie i wonder if i'll be able to stop. will this be the cookie that sets off a 40 lb binge for the next few months? i am terrified of cookies. i LOOOOOVE cookies. Even when I don't want a cookie i THINK about the times I used to want it so bad it hurt, or i think about all the cookies i will eat in the future when i am super skinny. I thought these thoughts when i was 4 years old, and i think them now at 34. i spend days meditating,crying,wishing hoping, dreaming of being a 44 yr old woman who can eat a cookie without a care in the world.