Wednesday, August 02, 2006

what? me? dogs? Never!

MORE creative advertising...

"steps to the mall"= IF and only IF you're King Kong.

"Terraces at the grove..."= By "at" we mean that IF you rent the top unti on a sunny clear day and have 20/40 vision you may be able to catch a glimpse of "THE GROVE" sign.

"completely renovated!"=
home depot had a "last chance" clearance sale so things don't MATCH per se, but still, they're new!

"luxury!"=if you were once homeless, and squatted in an adobe hut with a clay floor and no running water and couldn't see the light of day, then you will find a popcorn ceiling, plush shag carpeting, mirrored closets AND doors (pretty girl) and brass trim on EVERYTHING luxurious.

"ultra luxury"=bigger words equal bigger shiny things made of materials from the sixties that have been banned due to toxic shock.

"Courtyard"=couch and/or appliances on porch.

"laundry on premises!" ="now the laundry is right here in the buliding! Just 4 flights down these stairs, turn left, walk around the building, through the alley, and then down the basement stairs, then through the crawlspace, go right and then continue all the way under the building, then double back track through the boiler room, and then right behind the water heater and incinerator, you'll see TWO! washers and dryers! Don't forget your quarters!!"

"art deco"=
you will PAY, oh yes you will.

I am still apartment hunting.
well, actually "hunting" would be a good word because that would mean you have a chance in hell of "catching" your prey.
but no.
not so in LA.
it's apartment stalking.

at this point my skills are getting so honed that I could be a P.I. Yesterday Starr and I went about our now daily trek
because I THOUGHT I had found my perfect apartment. I THOUGHT I was done. I just wanted her to see it to make sure that even though it wasn't THE BEST neighborhood, I wasn't crazy to pay $2,200 for it. See once you see soooo many laughable shitholes, you start to lose get REAL excited at the mere sight of a real wood floor and running water, and are then willing to pay top dollar for it even if there ARE a few bums in your garage space, even if there ARE two "jewish retirement hotels" on either side of you, even if there ARE no stores with english writing on them in the neighborhood.

So she kinda turned her nose up at it, but we couldn't get inside because of course it's impossible to even get anyone LIVE to actually return your calls, so I tried to break in, and then I tried to break into the "manager's" apt because i KNEW she was home but wasn't answering her door. So all that failing, we decided to walk around the neighborhood, to see if I felt safe. I kept trying to justify everything to starr "see! look! there's a nice building way down there!" "see! look! a nail place where pedicures are only 10 bucks!!!!" "see! a market...or something..okay, a fruit market, but I mean, everyone needs fruit!" "see, how close we are to the grove? the neighborhood is BOUND to get better!" "see, I am surrounded by two retirement homes, yah one is a shelter, but old people are harmless..." I barely got those words outta my mouth when, and i am NOT kidding here, a gun shot went off. We both ducked. I looked at her and said "uhhh, what the fuck WAS that? was that....was that...a GUNSHOT????" She said "YAH! probably!"

We walked in silence. I said " are you sure? you really think that was a GUNHSOT?"

"YEEEEEES!" And then we heard all kinds of police sirens rolling towards us. so she continued "and those are probably the police coming to see who just got murdered."

There goes my "perfect" apartment. (I might still get it)

THIS is how my apartment hunt is going. and this is only ONE episode. Others include such highlights as....

...being invited in to a russian mafia lady's house (it was THE cutest apartment complex ever) and she was sitting in her wheelchair holding a cane, patted the couch and commanded "SIT." I sat. SHe looked me up and down. she looked starr up and down in silence, then turned to me "YOU HAVE PETS?" I choked out in a high pitch "me? noooooo. no pets. nope. none. never had a pet. not me." She squinted at me "NO CATS? NO DOGS?" I gulped. "nope. no pets. just me. heh. heh. just, um, me." I couldn't even look at starr. So she approved of us being able to LOOK at the apartment. Of course it was HEAVEN and a great (2,100) price. The perfect place. For someone with no pets that is.

...(on the phone)...yah, I am a yoga teacher, good income, VERY quiet. Pets? um, yah, I have A dogtwodogs.

...looking at the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse" as we walked through the main house, littered with trash and STUFF crammed everywhere. The hippie bi-racial couple was nice as could be, hemp and incence candles burning everywhere, to mask the smell of the TWO INDUSTRIAL WASTE bins and their no-door-garage that was literally cramed floor to ceiling with STUFF, which all happened to be on the walk to the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse." They showed me everything and when I said "sooooo, there's TWO bedrooms?" they walked me through the kitchen to where would be an entryway to a backdoor and he said "this is the second bedroom, well, it could be you know, an office, or a...a...guest room, you know, it could fit, a futon or something." He stopped then. even he knew he was lying. On the way out, past the Industrial waste bins that most people only have when they're renovating, but I suspect these guys use for storage, starr said 'PLEASE! you cannot live with those hippie packrats!"

...the toothless manager who "wasn't exactly the manager" (his words) saying "yah, these units is REAL NICE. they got them nice REAL PREGO (not a typo) floors!

1 comment:

Granny~Van said...

You vely funny gul.