Tuesday, December 01, 2009

'Tis the Season to be exercisey, fa la la la la....La. La. La. La.

Ok. Ok. I am here. I deeply apologize to all of my fans and followers and worshippers for being gone for so long. I mean, people have been in an UPROAR about this. Sending me FB messages, texts, threatening emails...begging me, pleading with me, screaming at me to write a post!!


maybe one person commented "where are you?"

Either way. I'm HEEEEEEEEEre.

It's VERY difficult to write anything when you are starving. See, the starvation diet, though VERY successful, doesn't bode well for writing. Why? because it's a full-time job! I have been doing nothing else but my starvation diet and working out. ANd then when I get home I am too weak/tired to do ANYTHING but watch The City and The Hills. Seriously, I have to take supplements just to get through the thought provoking 'Gossip Girl.'

Oh, and when I go to post and I have to re-sign in? oh no. I just don't have the energy to type my entire username and password. THAT would require at least 100 more calories per day.

So, today? I had an extra shot of espresso and two, yes TWO slices of toast. So I am ALL amped up and ready to write!

So let's back this truck up!, shall we?

PREQUEL to Thanksgiving

I figured out the secret to life this week. Seriously. Pull up a chair, put your feet up, get your bi-focals and TAKE NOTES....This is guaranteed to CHANGE.YOUR.LIFE.

If you're anything like me, you TOTALLY roll your eyes in complete disgust/mystery when you hear people saying crazy stuff like "I'm running the turkey trot!" on Thanksgiving morning. Or, "I'll be right over for dinner AFTER I run the 2,000k triathalon this morning! Gotta work up an appetite!!"

I usually want to scalp these people, as I'm sure our indian ancestors would have done.


THIS year I decided I would do a spin class TG morning. A 50 minute hard class with my ONLY favorite teacher. Had he not been teaching I would NEVER had entertained such a hideous plan. The plan WAS I would go to this 9am class and be home a little after 10, cook some, set the table, clean the house, etc.

Ever heard the phrase "wanna make God laugh? Make plans."

Pre-prequel: fellow fitness instructors are NOT allowed to take classes that are full. And this spin class was FULL. You sign up 26 hrs in advance and it is usually full in seconds, which often means that people have to set their alarms at 4 am the PREVIOUS day just to wake up and sign up for a spin class. (spin people have serious issues)(but not me!) But the instructor became the man he is from coming to MY classes, so he said he would sneak me in. I wore a hat and sunglasses and everything. Over the top? perhaps. But look who DIDN'T get fired!

Back to the main story...(and I use the term story very VERY loosely here)
I'm all up on my bike, incognito, minding my own business when I hear the instructor-previously-known-as-my-friend say "OKAY FOLKS! BLAH BLAH BLAH INSPIRATIONAL TALK BLAH BLAH.......NINETY MINUTES!"

Say wha?

My head spins around to see if anyone ELSE is confused. They are. Panicked. We all look around as he maniacally laughs, as he says, drunken with power, "Yah! That's right. NINE. O. And if you aren't staying that long please leave because there are people here waiting for a bike!"

SO. NO one left. AND, I was trapped. I certainly couldn't leave because the guy is my friend and he risked his JOB for me.

How do I find myself in these situations? HOW?

And HERE my friends, the story comes full circle. Because THIS is what will forever change your holidays as you know it.

The spin class? PURE brilliance. Sure, I couldn't walk. BUT, I got out of any and ALL cooking. AND My friends were so impressed/guilty that they were all "NO...you sit down. What do you want to drink. We'll bring the food out. Just sit." And "NO, we'll do the clean-up...you've done enough!"

NOW I know why people do Turkey Trots and marathons and what-not on holidays. I will no longer snicker behind their backs and roll my eyes and call them psychotic exercise-a-holic idiots on my blog. I will now just wink in conspiracy because I KNOW. I KNOW YOUR TRICK!


Here is something I don't love. Seeing giant rat traps in the parking lot of my favorite restaurant. hmmmm.

Here is something ELSE I don't love. I took yoga at a new studio. In the middle of class I smelled baking. Pastry smells. Cookies. And it got stronger and stronger. I was DYING. When I got outside I looked around. Let me tell you the line-up.

PinkBerry. Baskin Robbins. Yoga studio. 'Crumbs' cupcake bakery. For real. Not going back. (for yoga anyway)

Okay. I just burned up my daily calories typing. I'm getting dizzy. Time for another tic-tac!


Kristina P. said...

Gossip Girl is really pulling out the Mensa story lines this season. Sleeping with married men? Ex-boyfriends still being in love with their ex-girlfriend? Lady Gaga?!?!? I just can't keep up!

And the thought of sitting on a spin bike for 90 minutes makes my vagina hurt.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Spinning has a way of sucking. I mean, sucking you in. And, seriously, what's the deal with the starvation diet?! Are you going to go all weak and vegan on us?
Also, I was going to comment wondering where you were earlier tonight, but couldn't come up with anything clever so I didn't. So much pressure to make clever comments.....

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Spinning? Is this something you do after your 1/2 way into your third bottle of wine, or is that only me?
Welcome back!

2busy said...

If I go to a 90 minute spin class next year, NO ONE will eat. I'm serious. I'm the only one who will cook. Plus, I'd end up with a yeast infection or something yucky...

NIKOL said...

I think the starvation diet is probably in my future. After Christmas Cookiefest is over, of course.

rychelle said...

what the hell?!? a starvation/exercise diet?!? it's like i don't even know you anymore!

i'm driving down there and taking you to crumbs RIGHT NOW!

(seriously, i've been CRAVING one of those cream filled cupcakes for WEEKS)

Meg said...

I see no point to spin classes. I sweat like a 400-pound trucker on meth and my ass hurts.

Also, thought you were dead. Glad I was wrong. Welcome home.

Also, let's open a bakery/yoga studio. Seriously.

kys said...

I don't know...., I think I'd rather cook. The bakery and ice cream stores next to the yoga studio reminds me of the episode of Sex and The City when Miranda goes to Weight Watchers and there's a Krispy Kreme next door.

dede said...

ahhh, I missed you! This post was worth the wait - thanks for cheering up my night!

J said...

glad to see you posting, whore. i'm proud of you for starving yourself, and all, but you should splurge and have some grape nuts now and then.

peewee said...

Nope. It's tic tacs and lettuce ALL THE WAY!

bernthis said...

You must live in los angeles. I've seen that set up a million times.

Carin said...

I've missed you~
is it time for an intervention!?

p.s. looks like we are FINALLY coming in March!

r you coming for Christmas?

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

well, i've missed you.
Fine. i am one of those nutso ladies who ran 10 miles on thanksgiving morning. Sue me.
However, youare even more nuts than me!! 90 min spin class? Death!

Debbie said...

Gross on the rat traps. Just curious, what was their special of the day?

seriously? said...

Ummm, HELLLOOOO???? What the heck? You tell me you are coming back only to leave again? This bites!!!!