identity crisis

K, so over the weekend someone wiped out my checking acct by withdrawing all my money from an ATM in Staten Island. This left me potentially stranded in Las Vegas except I was with my rich friends (phew!)(though, while I was screaming at the guy on the phone I TOLD him I was stranded)(i mean what if it WAS true?)

side note: was totally RELIEVED when I found out that I actually had been ROBBED! cuz normally when my card gets declined, I call the fraud hotline HOPING it's fraud but it usually ends up being a forgotten rent check or many many impulse buys that seemed like lots of little 50's here and there that added up unbeknownst to me.

K, so I had to call a citibank taht day to figure out what the hell was going on. Here is the transcript of many tranfers and "supervisors"

PLAYER 1: "supervisor" lady from citibank who I THINK was in her early hundreds. I was transferred to her after I screamed at the first guy in India to get me someone who spoke english.

LADY: K, mam, so let's go through these purchases in the last few days so I can make sure we mark the ones that aren't yours.

ME: Well, I was told that someone withdrew $1,000 from my checking acct. this morning. HOW? WHEN? WHY? WHERE? HOW CAN CITIBANK LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM STUCK IN VEGAS! I HAVE .47 cents!!!! HOW WILL I GET HOME? (at this point I was still suspicious that maybe this was still my fault somehow)

LADY: well, let's seeeeeeeee (minutes click by) I am scrolling and I think....ummmm...let's see here...let me just grab my glasses and YES! Someone withdrew $1,000, looooooooooks like, this morning! Now, do you have that $1,000?

ME: NO!!!!! That wasn't me! I. DID. NOT. WITHDRAW. $1000. THAT"s why I am calling YOU. ( i'm still not 100 percent sure that it wasn't me, but am getting that warm feeling like it definitely maybe wasn't me) WHERE did this withdraw occur? online? WHERE?

LADY: let's.....seeeeeeeee....(minutes later) let me scroll down....and looks ....like...STATEN ISLAND? New York? Do you live in Staten Island?

ME: GOD NO! NO! I don't live in Staten Island! I've never even been there! not staten Island! UGH! I AM in LAS VEGAS! For the MADONNA concert!

LADY: Oh! Well, do you know anyone in Staten Island? Maybe a friend who maybe has your card and needed to borrow money? (I am not making this up here)

ME: NO! I would never be friends with someone in Staten Island!

LADY: Oh, well are you SURE you didn't take any money out in Staten Island?

ME: JUST. TELL. ME. HOW. TO. GET. THIS. SOLVED.

LADY: well, let's just make sure none of these other charges are yours...lets go back a week and I'll just read you the charge and you tell me which is yours?

ME: (seething, unable to speak)

LADY: okaaayyyyy....let's seeeeeee....St-ar----bu-cks? Starbucks! Now, do you go to starbucks? that's the coffee place right? the amount isssssss.....let's seee here, all righty, the amount is four dollars, and um, thirty. no that's, four dollars and sixty! yes sixty three cents! at star-bucks. now is that one yours? from star-bucks? the coffee place? and OH MY! it looks like there is a LOT of activity from there, from star-bucks. now let's just go through and MAKE SURE each one is yours. Because SOME may not be!


PLAYER 2: Guy somewhere in India

GUY: Okay. miss. yes. hello. How can I help you today madam?

ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY ACCOUNT NUMBER AND I HAVE NO MONEY AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.

GUY: okay. yes. madam. I weel help you madam. just one second while I look up your account...
...
...
ooooohhhhhh, I see here, madam, that you cannot get any money because your account balance is .47 cents. did you want to make a deposit?

ME: NO! I AM TELLING YOU THAT MY MONEY WAS TAKEN OUT THIS MORNING AND I AM STUCK IN VEGAS AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NEXT. TO GET My MONEY BACK!

GUY: Oh, I am sorry madam. you. cannot. get. any money in Lasvegas because your balance is only .47 cents. Do you have another account?? in LAsvegas?

ME: NO NO NO NO! I AM SAYING THAT I KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY BECAUSE IT WAS STOLEN!!! STOLEN! (I take a breath) Listen. to . me. Someone withdrew $1000 out of my account, and I need to know how to get it put back in. I need to file a claim or something. That's why I am calling YOU.

GUY: okay. okay. miss. you want to withdraw $1000? or you want to deposit $1000?

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT WAS ALREADY TAKEN. WHAT DO I DO NEXT IN ORDER TO FILE A CLAIM? CAN YOU HELP ME?

GUY: ummm. miss. yes. yes. i can help you. but you need to make a deposit. do you live in staten island?

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's where my money was STOLEN! I am in LAS VEGAS, that is like no where near staten island. So you see, it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to be in 2 places!!! see?!!

GUY: OH! yes! I. see. yes! miss. I understand. madam. But were you in Staten Island THIS MORNING? Because you took out the money this morning at an ATM in staten Island. That is why your balance is .47 cents.