uhhhh..what?

I just wanted anyone who reads this to know, if you're ever feeling like you can't do anything right, or someone or something makes you just feel dumb and stupid, well you can come to MY blog and then you will feel better!

For the past coupla days I have been feeling VERY tired. back on MON I felt like I was getting sick, so I went and bought some AIRBORNE (even though I don't REALLY believe in it, but thought, FINE, what the hell, maybe it'll work) So by WED I was feeling EXHAUSTED, so I thought it was because I was getting sick...REALLY sick. By today, I felt dizzy while I was driving, light headed all day, panicky that I had cancer that my dumb ass dogs had NOT sniffed out...and I thought I might have to go to a real doctor to get checked for cancer or whatever horrible dizzy-making disease that was sucking the lifeblood outta me.

I was actually getting really worried.

I had NEVER been so sick that I felt dizzy and like sleeping ALL THE TIME, with no other symptoms.

So I slumped home today, and grabbed desperately for my last Airborne fizzy tablet and it was only THEN that I saw on the tube that I had been, ALL WEEK...EVERY MORNING, taking airborne NIGHTIME!!!!!

so, cancer cured.

AND? AIRBORNE SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I didn't even KNOW they MADE a Night formula!

Valley of the Yoga Dolls

Aside from the fact that I don't drive a premium luxury BRAND NEW Range Rover, I had one of those moments today where I suddenly noticed my very CLICHE LA behavior, and I had to pause and laugh at myself.

Well, I was filling my MANY prescription Meds, fresh outta the shrink's office, and while at the pharmacy I picked up the new US weekly and People, and a pack of gum, and I got in my car, popped the lids, poured the happy little pills in my hand and swiftly downed them with my Iced double mocha. ahhh...lunch. (Trust me, you don't want me off my meds...) WHILE I was texting my friend in the other hand. THIS, my friends, is the GLAM life of a multitasking LA yoga teacher extraordinaire!!

I then sped away, off to Target, to get some toilet paper.

meditation, schmeditation.

WHy I sometimes hate my yoga job....

Scene 1: Int. CAR. Me (on cell phone calling the last dregs of yoga teachers because all the normal teachers are busy)

ME: Hi, umm is MOTHER there?

MOTHER: yah, this is HIM.

(a beat)

ME: umm, yah, so this is PeeWee, and I was umm, wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class.

MOTHER: oh sorry! My boyfriend and I are going to the beach.

(silence)

ME: (I have drifted off into my mind, where Mother and his boyfriend are having sex and they're in bed and his boyfriend is going "oh yes MOTHER. YES!!") uhhhokaythanksgottago...


Scene 2: int. car. ME (on cell call #2)

MAN's VOICEMAIL: Hi! You have reached the desk of SOARING EAGLE, i am either away or on another call, but please leave a message. namaste.

ME: (some silence because I am drifting...a desk? what is he...a lawyer? accountant? insurance salesman? does his boss ever get mad and be all "HEY SOARING EAGLE where the FUCK did you put those case files?!?!?")

umm, hi, SOARING EAGLE, this is ummm PeeWee and I was umm wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class, so it's gentle yoga, and ummm, you know, they are pretty easy and so if you can just call me back. (trying to sound cheery) thanks soaring eagle!


SCENE 3: same car..


ME: hey is this LIGHT?

LIGHT: yes it is

ME: hey light! (trying to be witty) so you have a last name, or is it just light?

LIGHT: (all serious) it's just LIGHT.

ME. Oh yah! haa haa...hee...anyways, I was um wondering if you could sub my sunday class...

LIGHT: no sorry, I would LOVE to because I actually took your class once and I loved it.

ME: oh yah? well, what do you look like, would I recognize you?

LIGHT: yah, well I'm a tall black guy, but i was in the back.

(a beat)

ME: (in my mind) well, shouldn't your name be like, DARK?

ME: okay. so, well thanks anyways LIGHT (dark)



See what I have to deal with? I am so sick of all these yoga teachers whose names are PROBABLY JIm or Lamont or Nels and then they have to go pick these airy, dramatic, fluffy names. And then they act all SERIOUS when you ask about it. I mean, couldn't they be a little more REAL when choosing their yoga name? I mean couldn't MOTHER's name be FATHER? Did he discuss it with his boyfriend? did they FIGHT about it and MOTHER wanted to be FATHER but his boyfriend, a total nellie, INSISTED that he be FATHER?

Were I to have a yoga name it would just be BITCH. or FATTY...YAH! haha...just FATTY, no last name. and people would be all "hey, have you taken FATTY's class yet? it's AMAZING!" But then I'd have to be super skinny so it wouldn't make any sense.

ho hummm.

bustedtees.com

these are just a few of my faves...






















and on another note...Airborne? is disgusting! for people who say that God created everything "perfectly"...then why oh why doesn't all medicine taste like frappuccinos? huh? answer THAT one big guy!

you spin me right round baby right round...

Just got back from spin. is it getting any easier? no.
BUT here's WHY it is SO good for you. It makes you SO tired and fuzzy and mushy that you can hardly even walk, let alone think after. I know this doesn't SOUND like a benefit, but you get SO tired that you forget to scream at people. So like, on the way home, when some ass cuts you off, your arms are too shaky to honk the horn, and you open your mouth to scream, but then you just sigh. there's NO energy left.
So THAT is why it is so healthy to spin!

SAT AM...It's lonely in the wee hours...

I am up. It's 8:00 AM. Though I am sure SOME people in LA are awake, no one I KNOW is up right now, or if they are they're of the outdoorsy variety and are doing outdoorsy LA stuff. I guess I could go work out.

BUT There's a Melrose Place marathon on right now. I haven't seen this show since the early 90's. Hey...whatever DID happen to R.E.M? where did they go? I kinda miss them.

friday fog blog...

I just woke up. it's 9:30. I originally woke at 6:30 to take the dogs out. well, actually let's be real. I was WOKEN up by the idiots, cuz they wanted to go out. Then we all came back in, I threw them some bones and mama put her eye mask back on and went back to bed!

The thing is I have been trying not to have coffee in the morning...and THIS is the result. Plus today I was (am) just extra tired. for no reason. I wasn't up late. that would require a social life, a night life as the young-uns call it these days. My head is just foggy, a big caffeine deprived fog. SAD. I can't hardly even function.

I was actually up kinda late finishing a good book...called LOST AND FOUND. It's about this chick who finds a stray dog and they bond etc etc. the book talks a lot about how dogs are SO sensitive to humans and that they can actually SNIFF out cancer and illness WAY before we ever know about it. I have heard this before, but it rings in my brain right up there with the curing powers of crystals and the healing pwoers of talking to your plants and belief in ghosts, and the well being you get from cleaning your own house etc... In other words, in one ear and out the other. My brain simply refuses to retain such things.

I mean I WANT to believe AMAZING things about dogs. Will they protect me from black and asian and cat looking strangers (or anyone who wear a dangerous looking hat)? definitely. Will they calculate EXACTLY how much time it takes from when they hear my car door close to when I get up the stairs? yah! Can they hear a bag of dog treats crinkle from 5 blocks away? for sure!

But sniff out cancer? I mean...do they mean ALL dogs? or just SOME super smart kinda dogs? I mean my dogs ARE amazing! But even if beck COULD sniff out my cancer (and he is my wise soulful one) on the way over to to tell me about it he would get too quickly sidetracked by a stray stick, grab the stick with the ferocity of a guy witha reckless cocaine habit, and wanna play fetch. Then he'd pass out from exhaustion." Oh well," he thinks as he drifts off to sleep," I'll tell her tomorrow. wait. what was I gonna tell her?"

And Maggie? um she's SUPER cute. And therefore more likely to inform me that my hamburger is overcooked, and therefore unedible on my part, so I better just throw that puppy on the ground and she'll TAKE CARE OF IT.

I guess it could be true. But pehaps with a different breed. or is it different training? Are my dogs just of the paris hilton varierty? spoiled and under challenged?

perhaps. but I could make a pretty STRONg arguement for their shallow gene pool too.

Sorry to throw all this SCIENCE on you guys on a friday.


I'm totally gonna sniff out your cancer....as soon as I'm done with my nap.


hey. i think I see a big ball of cancer...wait no that's just a ball!!!! throw that thing will ya?

From the Nordstrom "magically exploding" fall shoe collection....

of course, it could ONLY happen to me....

Today, God and Jesus AND Noah are sitting up in heaven laughing their ASSES off, high 5ing each other...and Jesus turns to GOD and says "GOOD one dad...GOOOOOD ONE!" and then rolls over his side, catching his robe in his birkenstocks as he chokes into peals of girly snorty style laughter...

BEFORE this scene...the THREE had been sitting on the edge of their clouds waiting for THIS to happen...

I am sitting in my Shrink's office finishing a rather great $200 hour and he says "i think you can come less now...maybe even just once a month."

Excited? yes I was. I was FIXED! cured! (mostly) (i hadn't spit on anyone in days...WEEKS even!)

and then he says " and just so you know, I joined YOUR GYM"

UH. WHAT!?!

for those of you who don't know this...My GYM? is also MY JOB!

"yah...I PROMISE though that I won't take your yoga class" he says while chuckling.

I sat there with a weird fake shocked type smile generally reserved the the criminally insane when they just find out they got THE CHAIR.

I mean...of COURSE he isn't allowed in MY CLASS, but THAT doesn't make it better. I am now going to SEE this guy in quite possibly, small, tight gym shorts! or or a dirty wife beater tank..Or worse...what if he spins? and I run into him in BIKER SHORTS?!
WHAT if he is also wearing black knee socks or something else equally nerdy and lame?
WHAT IF he decides on a hot summer day to take a swim and I see him stroilling down the hall in...in...SPEEDOS?!?!

Is this even LEGAL? ETHICAL?

WHAT WOULD FREUD DO??

I mean this is WRONG. I object! This never happened on the Sopranos! Lorraine Bracco never EVER just decided to go to Tony's strip club! or like, his mob meetings and stuff.

How can I sit in an office, at $200 an hour and take this guy seriosuly after I've seen him huffing and puffing his way up a stairclimber?!

Now I need a shrink just to get through my other shrink showing up at my GYM/JOB!

and like, what if he DOES get a wild hair and show up in class? how can I act all authoratative and bossy to a guy who knows I SPIT on people?!

I mean in the middle of down dog is he going to lift his head and be all "I THINK we need to up your meds..."

GOD. I need a drink or ten mochas or something for this. Where ARE those girl scouts and their damn cookies when I need them?!

And HOW? I ask, will I be able to make fun of him TO him!? I mean I talk about everyone else in there...(i mean, you know, except YOU...I would NEVER talk about YOU)

UGH. I guess GOD was upstairs too busy with America's Next Top Model, helping THEM out, to be bothered with little ole me.

I don't think Pfizer even MAKES a drug for this.

WHAT is this world coming to?

....meanwhile, back on cloud nine...

(JESUS is in tears) "dad..dad...OMIDAD, this is too much. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Oh! I have a stomache cramp from laughing. wait wait...let's get here MOM to join!! HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH...."