Thursday, July 12, 2007

of course, it could ONLY happen to me....

Today, God and Jesus AND Noah are sitting up in heaven laughing their ASSES off, high 5ing each other...and Jesus turns to GOD and says "GOOD one dad...GOOOOOD ONE!" and then rolls over his side, catching his robe in his birkenstocks as he chokes into peals of girly snorty style laughter...

BEFORE this scene...the THREE had been sitting on the edge of their clouds waiting for THIS to happen...

I am sitting in my Shrink's office finishing a rather great $200 hour and he says "i think you can come less now...maybe even just once a month."

Excited? yes I was. I was FIXED! cured! (mostly) (i hadn't spit on anyone in days...WEEKS even!)

and then he says " and just so you know, I joined YOUR GYM"


for those of you who don't know this...My GYM? is also MY JOB!

"yah...I PROMISE though that I won't take your yoga class" he says while chuckling.

I sat there with a weird fake shocked type smile generally reserved the the criminally insane when they just find out they got THE CHAIR.

I mean...of COURSE he isn't allowed in MY CLASS, but THAT doesn't make it better. I am now going to SEE this guy in quite possibly, small, tight gym shorts! or or a dirty wife beater tank..Or worse...what if he spins? and I run into him in BIKER SHORTS?!
WHAT if he is also wearing black knee socks or something else equally nerdy and lame?
WHAT IF he decides on a hot summer day to take a swim and I see him stroilling down the hall!?!

Is this even LEGAL? ETHICAL?


I mean this is WRONG. I object! This never happened on the Sopranos! Lorraine Bracco never EVER just decided to go to Tony's strip club! or like, his mob meetings and stuff.

How can I sit in an office, at $200 an hour and take this guy seriosuly after I've seen him huffing and puffing his way up a stairclimber?!

Now I need a shrink just to get through my other shrink showing up at my GYM/JOB!

and like, what if he DOES get a wild hair and show up in class? how can I act all authoratative and bossy to a guy who knows I SPIT on people?!

I mean in the middle of down dog is he going to lift his head and be all "I THINK we need to up your meds..."

GOD. I need a drink or ten mochas or something for this. Where ARE those girl scouts and their damn cookies when I need them?!

And HOW? I ask, will I be able to make fun of him TO him!? I mean I talk about everyone else in there...(i mean, you know, except YOU...I would NEVER talk about YOU)

UGH. I guess GOD was upstairs too busy with America's Next Top Model, helping THEM out, to be bothered with little ole me.

I don't think Pfizer even MAKES a drug for this.

WHAT is this world coming to?

....meanwhile, back on cloud nine...

(JESUS is in tears) ", this is too much. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Oh! I have a stomache cramp from laughing. wait wait...let's get here MOM to join!! HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH...."


vanessa said...

dude i'm d-y-i-n-g. this is sooo motherscratchin' hilarious (yes, i said it). can't you get some kind of restraining order or something? it just seems so unfair...

doradrama said...

Don't fear Dora. This guy's got nuthin' on you in your yoga class. Make him pay! You know he's got some shit to work out in that crazy frog position you put us in back here in SLC! Bring him to his knees. Show him who's boss in your office. If that doesn't work, then spit on him and see him more often.