WHy I sometimes hate my yoga job....

Scene 1: Int. CAR. Me (on cell phone calling the last dregs of yoga teachers because all the normal teachers are busy)

ME: Hi, umm is MOTHER there?

MOTHER: yah, this is HIM.

(a beat)

ME: umm, yah, so this is PeeWee, and I was umm, wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class.

MOTHER: oh sorry! My boyfriend and I are going to the beach.

(silence)

ME: (I have drifted off into my mind, where Mother and his boyfriend are having sex and they're in bed and his boyfriend is going "oh yes MOTHER. YES!!") uhhhokaythanksgottago...


Scene 2: int. car. ME (on cell call #2)

MAN's VOICEMAIL: Hi! You have reached the desk of SOARING EAGLE, i am either away or on another call, but please leave a message. namaste.

ME: (some silence because I am drifting...a desk? what is he...a lawyer? accountant? insurance salesman? does his boss ever get mad and be all "HEY SOARING EAGLE where the FUCK did you put those case files?!?!?")

umm, hi, SOARING EAGLE, this is ummm PeeWee and I was umm wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class, so it's gentle yoga, and ummm, you know, they are pretty easy and so if you can just call me back. (trying to sound cheery) thanks soaring eagle!


SCENE 3: same car..


ME: hey is this LIGHT?

LIGHT: yes it is

ME: hey light! (trying to be witty) so you have a last name, or is it just light?

LIGHT: (all serious) it's just LIGHT.

ME. Oh yah! haa haa...hee...anyways, I was um wondering if you could sub my sunday class...

LIGHT: no sorry, I would LOVE to because I actually took your class once and I loved it.

ME: oh yah? well, what do you look like, would I recognize you?

LIGHT: yah, well I'm a tall black guy, but i was in the back.

(a beat)

ME: (in my mind) well, shouldn't your name be like, DARK?

ME: okay. so, well thanks anyways LIGHT (dark)



See what I have to deal with? I am so sick of all these yoga teachers whose names are PROBABLY JIm or Lamont or Nels and then they have to go pick these airy, dramatic, fluffy names. And then they act all SERIOUS when you ask about it. I mean, couldn't they be a little more REAL when choosing their yoga name? I mean couldn't MOTHER's name be FATHER? Did he discuss it with his boyfriend? did they FIGHT about it and MOTHER wanted to be FATHER but his boyfriend, a total nellie, INSISTED that he be FATHER?

Were I to have a yoga name it would just be BITCH. or FATTY...YAH! haha...just FATTY, no last name. and people would be all "hey, have you taken FATTY's class yet? it's AMAZING!" But then I'd have to be super skinny so it wouldn't make any sense.

ho hummm.