I'd rather give birth to quintuplets. Highly intelligent quintuplets.

I just had lunch with THE MOST ANNOYING YOGA TEACHER EVER! This is her second offense.

Don't even ask me how I got roped into that either. It was something like this. You know how when someone has their fist baby and then right after the delivery she's all "I will NEVER have another one. That was the most painful thing EVER" and then sure enough 1 yr. later they're preggers and you're all "I thought you were never having another one" and then she's all "it's weird, you just forget the pain"

That's how I ended up having lunch with this girl. I had forgotten the pain.

Here's how it went down...

ME: Hey! Hi! (forced obligatory yoga hug)

HER: Hi! Did you want me to get you a coffee? I mean, I can't drink coffee! I SO wish I could. But I just get like SICK! It's probably because I had like THE WORST CHILDHOOD ever and now have to take all kids of anxiety medication because my parents totally screwed me over and were horrific, I mean completely horrifying, and now coffee just doesn't agree with my tummy.

(not kidding. she talks that fast, and that annoying)(and this was for real her first sentence)

ME: ohhhh, yah. huh.

HER: I know. It seriously sucks. ESPECIALLY since I LOVED coffee when I lived in New York. Since moving to LA, which I NEVER would have except I had about 5 studios who wanted to buy my script, and I had just wrapped another production, so I moved here and the coffee's not as good, you know? But it's okay, because I HAD to move from NY anyway to just get some space between me and my childhood, because ANYONE who went through what I did needs to get away at some point. Wheeew. I'm lucky, ya know? I mean to even be where I am today after surviving like that. Sure, I have my problems, but I think....I really think that all of that CRAZINESS in my childhood made me extremely creative and intuitive, which is great. I mean, I'm of very high intelligence, you know? And when you're THIS intelligent, genius level, I mean, I went to choat (sp) and I was going to go to yale, but I just had to get away from my childhood, so I chose the production/acting route because I was so good at that too, when you're of such a higher intelligence AND you've been through the things. I've. been. through. in life....I mean, it's been a HARD life...seriously bad stuff, you can't HELP but recognize your talents and understand that that level of genius has a dark side too.

ME: Jaw on floor. Brain spinning to memorize everything, fingers on phone keyboard hiding under table trying to type in the keywords.

HER: Seriously. I know I'm going to have such extremely intelligent kids, everyone is always saying "you are going to have THE smartest kids" and the best part is that THEY will have the intelligence without the CRAZY nightmare of a childhood that I did....

TWO GRUELING HOURS and 175 UTTERINGS OF "CHILDHOOD" LATER...

HER:...Oh god! Do you know that when I have male clients, when it's time for them to pay for their session, they will come out in just a towel and be like, "hey, I'll trade you some hot tub time..." and I just laugh.

ME: really? No. Really??

HER: Oh yah! of course! I mean they just see me and and see a BLONDE! SKINNY! HOT! YOGA TEACHER! of course they'll try that! hahahah! They're guys! Even my boyfriend will say to me "you're the hot pretty one, and I'm the intelligent one" and I'm like "UH. EXCUSE ME? You may be of high intelligence, but guess what? I don't just have THE LOOKS...I've got the high intelligence too buster!" You get kicked in your ass your entire life and NO ONE is going to tell you you're just the pretty one! And OH! My other friend, gretchen, who's also a yoga teacher, has the SAME problem! I think every female teacher has to have that problem! (yah, no.) you HAVE to meet gretchen! we'll have to go out and you'd LOVE her cuz she's a totally WACKY teacher like you!

I sped home to write this so you wouldn't think I ad-libbed any of it. I'm super fast like that, cuz well, you'd have to be given my in-humane childhood of running from my mother. (actually....that's kinda true)

So if this is the equivalent of having a second baby, I will not. repeat NOT be having a third! This blog will serve as a reminder.