I'm Bringin' Sexy Back....if By Sexy you mean, THE CLAW

I have my TWENTIETH high school reunion tonight. Yah. You read that right. I know I know...UN-BUH-LIEVABLE! {shrugs shoulders, puzzled face} EVERYONE says I look 29...they SWEAR I am not a day over 30...but you know, my yoga vegan lifestyle....

We all know by now, my hair sitch. It's unmanageable by normal human hands. It needs HEAVY artillery. An Uzi sized flat iron. etc.

A pro-blow -out/flat iron at MY salon is $70 plus tip, so like $85. Now, I would LOVE to afford that every week. Or, ever. I'll pay top dollar for the cut and color, but the flattening? I'd rather put that $$$ towards new shoes.

AND yet...I REALLY didn't wanna attempt my own hair today. I want to show those high school BE-YOTCHES (went to all girls school) who can rock the straight hair. Who?! Ummmm, so I decided to call, gulp, Fantastic Sam's. I haven't been there since my mom tried to cheap out on me in 8th grade when I got a "perm." Uh, it was a disaster.

I think "how bad can it be? it's not a cut. Worse case I go home and wash it out. And hey! $23.95!! How have I not done this sooner" And look at me being all frugal and sensible (is that how you spell those words?) The man on the phone said "ask for Tina."

yyyyahhhhh. I shoulda known when I walked in and I was greeted by an old russian granny with BRIGHT red hair and oh! The painted on eyebrows on her! "Hi. Ummm, I have an apt. with Tina?"

"yes yes! I am Tina!" Of course you are.

Now what? Run and bolt??? My heart was pounding. Okayyyyyeeee. MAYBE, just MAYBE she knows how to flatten hair?? Maybe? please?

"what you want darling?"

What I said: "STRAIGHT! VERY STRAIGHT! NO CURL." Yes I was yelling. That's what you do when people don't speak english good. I needed to hit that point home.

What she heard: "CURL THE BOTTOM. FLUFF AND CURL BANGS. MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A SOCIALLY CHALLENGED VERSION OF KATE JACKSON CIRCA '74."

Guess I didn't yell loud enough.

"ummm, Tina? aren't you gonna FLAT IRON IT? Where's the flat iron? Is it heating somewhere?"

"oh. no no no. we no have flat iron! only blow dry. your hair is like PERM! Too hard to straighten, Is all I can do."

"BUT I called ! I ASKED for a flat iron! And that man said. HE SAID you did! HE SAID!!!"

"no no no. we no have flat iron"

A fight with the russian an ensued. There was screaming. He screamed at me. Refused to validate my parking. Wanted me to pay $35! THIRTY FIVE!!

I was all "HAY-ELL NO! You're lucky I'm willing to pay the $23.95"

And he was all "YOUR HAIR HAS PROBLEM!"

And I was all "I KNOW! That's why I came here"

Words were exchanged and I paid the $23.95 and bolted home. I was SUPPOSED to go get my make-up done and mani/pedi. But I was too horrified to go anywhere with my, um, DO.

Think I'm exaggerating??

God...those other ladies will be J.E.A.L.O.U.S.