HOME SWEET TiVo!

I'm baaaaack! I have loads to unpack and my house is a filthy mess b/c my housekeeper is having health problems (which I wanna be sympathetic and all, but WHO IS GONNA VACUUM????)

In between watching all my Tivo'd shows and attempting to unpack, I figured I'd share the love of marcel. Don't worry. It's family friendly. And it kinda made my day.

This has nothing to do with fat camp

This is the video you find on your son's computer that makes you realize you will most probably have a son-in-law named Bruce in about 12 years.

FAT CAMP: DAY 4 : and shasay to the left JAZZ HANDS!

I just wanted you to see for yourself how the pool is completely empty. This was taken by me. The only person lounging by the pool. Everyone else at fat ranch camp was off hiking or biking or whatever stupid outdoor type lame thing they were doing. I was enjoying my morning coffee and USA Today news.

Why have a pool if you're not gonna LOUNGE by it, I say.

Today I only had TWO dance classes and then a Mud Wrap. YUM. The mud wrap was incredible.

But the REAL highlight of the evening was the Dance show. Which yours truly was in. Dare I say a star was born tonight?



yes. yes I do.

FAT CAMP: DAY 2 (3? 4? I've lost track)

One of the perks of Fat Ranch is that you get an allotment of "treatments" like massages and stuff. They have like HUNDREDS of different treatments ranging from your normal average deep tissue massage to freaky "shamanic Journey." (no judgments) (but, HAHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! FREAK!)

I booked your standard massage/facial/mud wrap/mani-pedi treatments and then I swore I would try one of their weirdo ones. And believe you me...I did the LEAST of the crazy. It is called WATSU. Which is WAter+shiATSU. I guess SHITER would have been a less appropriate abbreviation.

um. yah.

You lie in a really pretty indoor pool, which is warm and salt watery and a "healer" or whatever moves you around and stuff. When people around here speak of it they get all "ooooohhhhhh you haaaaaave to do WATSU!"

yah.

Basically this is it.....



except.....

I didn't have Fabrizio there swirling me around. I had Grandma Time with bling in her teeth. When she was prepping me for my swirly water "massage" she goes "looks like you'll float REAL GOOD"

BITCH-SU.

I was trying so hard not to laugh the whole time. And all I could think was "is it over yet? is it over yet? is it over yet?"

So. That rounded off day 2 of fat camp. Tomorrow I have a nice normal mud wrap.

Did I mention I took like 3 dance classes today? I'll let you know that I have a RECITAL tomorrow. There may or may not be video footage.

Fat Camp: DAY 1

First off this place is HUGE. I still don't have my bearings. We're in the arizona hills in Tucson. I mean it's nice and all. If you have a fondness for cacti. LOTS of cacti (scrabble word!!)

I took my first "ZUMBA!" class today. We don't have ZUMBA! at my gym. We're too "high fallutin" for all that latino crap. I have heard many good things from people around town about ZUMBA! (that's how they ALWAYS say it ZUMBA!!!!!) It always sounded lame to me.

So here's what I have to say about it.

It was a bunch of middle aged ladies and their gays. On meth. And mineral water.

They shout the word ZUMBAAA!!! About fifty million times. The instructor was Charro and Richard Simmons all in one. On meth.

It's a combo of every single aerobics class you've ever taken ALL IN ONE set to latino dance tunes. I felt like I was on the lido deck on the Love Boat, with all the silver haired ladies and their young gay studs. It was fun.

The schedule here is insane. I brought a STACK of books to read...imagining myself sipping mai-tais by the pool. no.

I have eaten a TON today. The problem with Canyon Ranch "fat camp" is that you have 3 restaurants here, with yummy albeit healthy food, and you can order WHATEVER YOU WANT. And it's included in the week. So, FREE!

I hate to say that I have already begun hoarding the choc chip cookies. But they're HEALTHY. ALL twenty of them!

Oh well, at least I'm working out.

AND I get my first of MANY massages tonight! Yippee! YAY FAT CAMP with choc chip cookies and massages!!!! I HEART DIETING!

MY ROOM


It's cute how they have a couch. As if you get to just sit around ever. But I am making some fun senior citizen style friends. One thing is, when you get a group of old fatties around , they have LOTS of character.

My computer time is up. Time to get to my 5pm lecture on I can't remember what but I have a purse full of cookies to see me through it!

calo-mine, calo-mine, calomine lotion!

I'm leaving for fat camp now. :( I just threw away packed up for the drive my last package of oreos. vanilla. yummm.

Pray for me brother and sisters of the united pentablogal church. And ye brethren of the Latter Blog Saints.

And don't worry Words-With-Friends friends! I am SO ON. And let me tell you that my shamanic healing life/tennis coach at fat camp will help me BEAT YOU ALL. Screw Tennis and hiking and golf! pff! I will be poolside with my phone stealthily hidden in a "book". (cell phones aren't allowed at fat camp)(but as I say to the police...it's not a PHONE. It's an IPOD.)

and to think, The ZOO used to be a safe place to take the kiddies....

All I can say is that I was CRYING laughing....not so much at the ACT going on here, but more just A: Listening to the kids reactions and B: thinking of the poor parents having to explain this to their kids after their trip to the zoo.

And also C: Guys are SO STUPID and it's obviously in their genetic primal make-up!

Forgive me.

A deep and meaningful post

TV
Hey. whatever happened to male daytime talk show hosts?? Not Jerry Springer. But where's the new Montel or Phil Donahue?? I was flipping channels yesterday and it was just one chick after the other. And on that note...what happened to Jenny Jones?? Sally Jesse? Where are they now?? I wish they would make a reality show of all has-been talk show hosts. HA! That would be good. Right?

And while we're on that subject, when oh WHEN is Bravo gonna do The real GAY housewives of wherever. I don't even care. I mean that would be THE BEST SHOW EVER!!! DO YOU HEAR ME BRAVO!!??

Also, Project Runway is BOR-ING this season. Everyone is all buddy buddy and subdued. And Design Star? I'm sorry, but that's the sorriest bunch of "designers" I've seen yet. Last week's "dining rooms" were all like the ugliest dining rooms EVER. Has all the talent been exhausted??

MOVIES
I saw 'flipped' last night. Cutest movie. Took me RIGHT back to the era of my childhood. I mean, it was WAY earlier than MY childhood, but it was still kinda the same. It was nice to just watch a REAL movie with no crazy effects and no puzzles and twists. Delightful, is what I say.

Can't WAIT to see EAT PRAY LOVE!! I'm just gonna go ahead and brag that the producer who is also the producer of GLEE used to take my yoga classes religiously. Until he got all busy and popular and stuff. I realize I sound like one of the stupid housewives of DC (also BOR-ING) so I may even go so far as to say that I made that guy who he is. through yoga. yah. TOTALLY. He better THANK ME at the Oscars/Emmy's WHATEVER! I bet he even THOUGHT of Glee during one of my classes. I bet.

ANNOYING
Yoga students who come to class late AND IN 5 INCH HIGH HEELS.

Whole Foods...always on this list. They're supposed to give you a 5 cent credit if you bring your own grocery bags and don't use one of theirs. Yesterday I spent $50 and just put it all in my giant purse/bag and the bitch didn't give me my 5 cent credit so when I asked about it she goes "that's if you BRING A BAG...your purse doesn't count." And she for real wouldn't give me the 5 cent credit! WTF?!?!? I HATE THEM WITH MY SOUL.

The real housewives of DC

Yoga students who chew gum in class. The buddha hates you.

Owning 2 cars. When you're single.

HILARIOUS
Teenagers who swear up and down that they will pay for a car if you buy it for them.

THIS....(for my UTE fans)

PARENTING: FAIL

The other one moved out last night. Maybe I should consult Dr. Spock next time??

On other fronts...this oughta make your day! (watch the whole thing even if at first you think it's lame)

Genius

I got this email from a friend today....

Hello everyone,
Sorry about the group nature of this email.

It is my birthday (my 3_th, can you guess?) on 8/4.

Instead of lavishing me with expensive gifts, luxurious getaways to exotic destinations, or stays at 5 star hotels, why not change things up this year and make a donation to a pet rescue organization?

Molly's Mutts and Meows is a great, Los Angeles based, pet rescue organization. I met them at a pet event at Whole Foods in West Hollywood, CA and have been impressed by their professionalism and dedication to animal welfare.
So, how about making a donation to Mollys Mutts and Meows?

Follow this link to make a secure, financial contribution to pets in need
http://birthdays.causes.com/wishes/2441





THis is like, THE BEST WAY EVER to remind people of your birthday without looking like you're reminding people of your birthday! GENIUS!!!!

I also SO appreciate the way he snuck in the presents he really did want too. I am kicking myself for not thinking of this!

SO, be prepared at some point in early NOVEMBER to be making some "donations" for my bday!!!

An uplifting sunday message

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
When someone tells me to just roll with the punches, I roll the punches directly at their face.
-thedayhascome

This video cracks me up. ****WARNING***STRONG LANGUAGE****DO NOT PLAY AT WORK****