blog wars

K, so I just got home from a pleasant day at the beach with the dogs, hot, chocolate croissants from the jewish bakery down beach blvd (only thing open on easter sunday) blustery wind, wet happy dogs, brunch with friends...
...and then a blog ambush? and he edits "holy shit" with "holy toledo?"
but I laughed...out loud. I hate admitting when my parents are actually funny...and real funny, not as in "my dad's senility has been funny today"
it's so cute when old people try to connect on the internet.

the sick and the restless....

it's friday night. there is NOTHING on TV and I don't have the attention span for a movie. I have the flu. Someone told me to go get a "netty pot" whatever the hell THAT is. I wanted to punch her in in her hippie face. My big dilemna is that I teach yoga but for the most part I can't stand yoga people! (well, I guess it's no different than working at the DMV) Don't get me wrong, I love all my students, but I have a hard time with the hippie culture connected to it all...you know what I mean...the pseudo "zenned" out crunchies who put their hand on your shoulder and feel sorry for your un-enlightened ass. And when you say stuff like "i just love meat" they shake their heads in deep sorrow and "pray" for you (and the innocent animals you randomly kill) in their mediation hour.
Personally, I prefer the Jesus Jammers of my Bible Camp days. There's not a whole lot of difference, but at least the JJ's knew how to have FUN...we're talking bible verse memorization contests, Genesis Spelling Bees, Skits on mortal sins, and the songs!! The songs rocked! "if i had a hammer, if I had a be-e-ellll..."
hmmm...I seem to always find myself among groups I completely don't fit into. But at least now, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Oh, I still wear all the cute yoga clothes, I just don't care that my old lady flapper arms dangle beneath my ultra hip FUR lined prada sports bra. HA! I think I'll go meditate now...

the ultimate shame

K, so I just disvovered blogging, right? and then i get this email from my dad...about his new blog site!!! How did this happen? How did my sixty million year old father and i find a common link...on the INTERNET?!?!? (well, maybe i'm being a little harsh here...at least we're not sharing porn sites...right?!)(I would NEVER go to www.PolesInPajamas.com) I have spent my 34 years distancing myself from my inevitable polish roots. I just tell everyone I'm mexican and leave it at that, and yet here i am, full circle, in polish land, blogging right along with my dad.

Holy shit...is this the new bonding for the millenium? Are senior citizens allowed on this thing? shouldn't they get a license or something to operate a computer? Is it good for their rheumatism to be typing all day? Isn't the screen hard on their glaucoma? Dad...are you reading this? Get a nice hobby! gardening is nice for your people. scrabble? shuffleboard? lawn bowling? bingo at the senior center? trying different anti-balding treatments? Isn't there ANYthing that could occupy your time, you last few moments on this planet?

I really don't want my sentences to read "yah...the other day my dad and I were blogging...and he pissed me off so we blog-fought...but then we kissed and blogged up."

i'll die if i don't get a donut!!

K, so it is late nite, i'm exhausted to the point where i don't even have the energy to capitalize my i's. it was a snowy weird PMS type day where my emotions ran high, from sorrow to bliss in 2 seconds flat. where i tried to rationalize with my dogs when they were being loud "why are you barking?" i said..."what point does it serve, huh beck? huh maggie? are you listening...I said what point does your barking serve? don't you see that there's no one there? why do you have to bark when I CLEARLY said no?!? If you don't stop then NO park tonight? do you hear me ...no park!"

yah...it was that kind of day, uneventful enough to relay any drama to exude sympathy from my friends, eventful enough that I still had to work, and pretend to be present all the while my mind racing in between the pathalogical liar on today's oprah to Hilary's dress at the oscars.

Then my friend wrote an entire blog about fat people and their "accountability." I was revved up on that one boy oh boy. I had to teach a yoga class...the poor students who got the leftover rage on that topic and they had no idea....let's just say there was more sweat than usual. So I walked the long way home in the freezing cold to just argue the topic in my head, rehearsing the perfect editorial. Then I had cramps and I got home and while I silently raged I ate 2 brownies and a donut. for dinner.
that'll show HIM! then I was out of food, and for a split second i felt frantic. where could i get another donut this late??? WHERE??????
then america's next top model came on and i could numb out on that instead. ahhhhhh
so you see? i am not accountable for that behavior! I had no choice. i am pmsing and raging inside...how ELSE am i supposed to cope?!??!? yoga? HA! is it really my fault that my mom deprived me of junk food in the golden age, the rise even, of McDonalds, right in the prime of my youth...so that i am an adult now consumed with thoughts of spending ALL my money one day at McDonalds?! so that if i see a stray cookie on a random table my mind not only notices the cookie, but says "who's cookie IS that? did they leave it on purpose? are they coming back for it? or did it drop of a plate of cookies? i wish that was MY cookie or I wish i could find the owner and just stare at him while he freely eats that cookie without a care in the world."
sigh.
i'll NEVER be able to eat a cookie without a care in the world. even in my skinniest days, i know EXACTLY how many calories are in EVERY cookie, and every single time i eat a cookie i wonder if i'll be able to stop. will this be the cookie that sets off a 40 lb binge for the next few months? i am terrified of cookies. i LOOOOOVE cookies. Even when I don't want a cookie i THINK about the times I used to want it so bad it hurt, or i think about all the cookies i will eat in the future when i am super skinny. I thought these thoughts when i was 4 years old, and i think them now at 34. i spend days meditating,crying,wishing hoping, dreaming of being a 44 yr old woman who can eat a cookie without a care in the world.

late nite stuff

okay, so it's snowing and freezing and I am hunched over my laptop bored. I keep checking and re-checking my citibank homepage. Is there REALLY only $11 in my account? How did that happen. "Someone must have stolen my identity!!" my mind shouts out. (oh, the poor poor wretched soul who attempts that crime will surely lose out!) and so I check my acct activity excited while the page downloads so I can see where this thief has been shopping and then, ever the cop, I can call my bank and smugly cancel my cards and tell all my friends how I was a victim...wiped clean!" (the page is still loading) and then I can go in detail how this thief had THE NERVE to use my hard earned yoga money (karma, man, karma) to go on a spree at Prada and Circuit city...(the page loads, I scan with eager, swift eyes)...
SBUX -----4.50
Starbucks-----4.67
SBux-------4.50
coffe-rama-------7.90 (musta had a bagel too)
Cosi coffee-----4.63
petworld-----187.50
Sbux------5.10
starbucks-----19.20 (they had the MOST adorable thermos!)(and I got a free refill!)
(and .10cents off every purchase when I use my thermos)
koffee-korner-----5.34
cup o' joe-----5.87
cup o' joe-----5.87 (it was a long, cold day)
cup o' joe-----5.87 (see?)
petsmart-----56.99

etc etc.....so my mind keeps scanning and scanning, waiting to see the ridiculous high end purchases the thief made. I scan all the way back to november. "huh" my mind says, "I guess the purchases from the identity thief are SO recent they haven't appeared yet. Guess I better check first thing tomorrow!"

So, you see, I go to bed tonight, on this snowy cold day, knowing that tomorrow morning, over my double grande peppermint mocha with soymilk and extra whip, I will again check my bank totals, hoping that A. I will find the mis-charged items or B. that money has mysteriously made it's way into my account, by some huge bank error. (which is probably how all my money was LOST in the first place! banks!!)

ho hum

K, I haven't read anything smart today. I took My new In Touch weekly with my Bagel from Murray's on 6th and hunkered down to some d-lish "news" for the week. Breakfast with the celebrities is sooooo good! Murray's puts about a pound of cream cheese on their bagels, which is half the reason I go...so I had a heart healthy, mind healthy morning! So, here's my editorial on my morning read...I hate how obsessed every tabloid is with the olsen's weight...and then Kirstie Alley's weight...mary kate is too thin and Kirstie is too fat! I mean come on! Is the news so boring that this is what we need to visit over and over again?! I mean Mary kate is clearly on coke and Kirstie is clearly on donuts! Maybe if they started to make a coke and cream filled buttermilk bar then we could have some balance in this culture!

dumb girl gets wired

well well well, yoga provides so many links to the inner self...none of which includes blogging! My friend looked at me, mouth agape, as I asked what the hell blogging was. I may as well have asked "what the hell is the world wide web?" So here I am , making up for lost time. How did I let this whole world forum just pass me by? Is it because I'm old now? Out of touch with my peers? (no, my peers, after all, are busy chanting away,tuning OUT) I still don't totally "get it" but whatever, now I can say I'm in the know. I just feel sad, like Daily Candy and In Touch weekly and Regis and Kelly somehow failed me miserably.