fry-day

I have friends coming into town tomorrow. So I just spent the entire evening cleaning/preparing/baking/making party favors...I get so excited when people come to visit me that I feel I MUST reward them. And reward them well so they'll come back a lot. And these guys are coming from UTAH. That's far. I'm putting out my best french milled guest soaps and the bumble and bumble shampoo for them! My friend Starr, who lives ALLLLLL THE WAYYYYY in Brentwood (25 miles) only comes to visit me when she has the entire 3-day-weekend free and she makes a big production of packing up and "leaving town" to come over, like she's going camping. So now I have a complex and I just made enough goodies to host my own bake-sale, made 2 different fruit salads, fresh guacamole, gift bags for when they leave, and cut fresh flowers from my garden (i am not sure if they were supposed to be cut, so I will be GONE when the gardeners arrive tomorrow!)

Hey...I think the triple choc. cookies are burning.

The tragedy of the empty wallet...

I was rooting around in my wallet today to pay for Parking and I realized I had only a 5 dollar bill. That's it. And not like, uh oh, I only have $5 in my wallet and I need to go to the ATM. More like, "How much change do I have in my bag so I can at least buy coffee tomorrow?" (fri. is payday)(phew!)

This hasn't happenned to me since I was like 20 and in junior college when I bought top ramen 10 for $1 (okay okay, I was 30. 30,20,tomato,to-mah-to) And I was a little ashamed. And then I was even more ashamed because last weekend my friend was here with her little girl and her kid had a pringles container with like, ALL her money in it, in nickel and penny currrency, and she put it in my bag and it spilled all over and she cried and cried and I was like "it's okay kid, I'll get it all and give it back later" and I was thinking "that's so cute that she's all worked up over some silly change." WELL. Today, I SPENT HER MONEY.
I.HAD.TO.
I.SPENT.THE.WORLD.SAVINGS.OF.A.7YR.OLD.
IN.NICKELS.AND.PENNIES.

all for a coffee fix.
all time low. all time low.

welllll, a girl's gotta eat after all.

And then I was all "how did it come to this?" and then I was all "it is totally my parent's fault' and here's why....

I go to a shrink once a week who costs $200 dollars AN HOUR! . And had my parents sat me down in high school, and shook me hard and said "YOU WILL go to college and YOU WILL major in psychiatry" then I would be WAY better off. NOT ONLY would I be earning $200 an hour in a cushy high rise office with a secretary to fetch my snacks, but also I would have unlimited access to psychtropic drugs. Also I am sure shrinks have shrink friends so I would be able to get some free counseling over brunch and friday nite tapas. And my days would be filled going "uh huh. I see. mmmm. let me write you a prescription for that. our time is up! Off you go!" And also I could go home every night being all "at least I'm not one of THOSE sad suckers.

SO see, maybe if they had done their job early on, informed me really of life's possibilities, I would not be planning on what I need to return at Nordstrom's tomorrow just to pay my Starbucks dealer.

I'm just saying...

Let's just SAY I was flipping channels on Friday Night and happenned to see there was a "Three's Company" marathon (if you're under the age of 30 or over 50, you just don't GET this, so don't even try)and let's just SAY I put it on in total delight for background purposes ONLY and then come to find out it was an ENTIRE weekend marathon, and let's just SAY I stayed up 'til the wee hours of the morning every single night watching, for background, you know...while I did, my taxes, say. And I for sure did NOT decline dinner with friends sat nite to stay home and watch Ralph Ferley and Jack Tripper and all my FAVORITE TV characters EVER.

But nevertheless, I must say that this is the greatest sitcom EVER put on TV. EVER. I was still laughing/crying out loud when Larry Dallas tried to hit on an old grandma and when Janet and Chrissy were at the Regal Beagle with the Ropers. No one could pull off a show like that now. NO ONE. So I just had to pay homage to best show ever written and don't even try sending comments about seinfeld and taxi and cheers...blah blah blah. When Ralph Ferley merely WALKS into the room I am already squirming in my pants. I still go for guys that look like Jack.

And don't think for one second that I actually WATCHED every episode that weekend. cuz. that. would. be. Crazzzzzzyyyyyy. Not to mention I am v.v. busy LA yoga teacher.
v.v. busy.

Attack dogs...

HEY! Don't mess with us! We're totally gonna, umm, kick your...did you say 'treats'?"

why no one will get a Christmas present from me this year....

Okay, aside from CRAZY gas prices and my 2 hour traffic commutes, AND my coffee habit (coffee! who are we kidding here, if ONLY it were just coffee...)let me rephrase, my triple-skim-mocha-with-whip habit (over ice please)(and make it snappy!)ASIDE from all that, today, in LA, not breezy-by-the-beach LA, but hot pasadena, where it was 105 dees-grees...I left all my doors open in the back (that's THREE french doors. OPEN) so the dogs could roll around outside while I worked, and ALSO I left the Air Conditioning on...ALL...DAY. I just walked into a perfectly cool house, and I thought "ahhhh, the house stayed SO cool how weird cuz it's normally so hot and there's even a nice breeze coming from........NOOOOOO!"
So there. you will all get postcards, HAND delivered, and if you live far away, I will call you on the weekend and after 8PM...MY time...when it's free minutes. sorry east coasters! Love ya!

ps. no need to write a comment about how you didn't even get a Christmas present from me LAST year either. I was broke, living in LA. Save the heckles and sarcasm for your local senator.

pps. also no need to comment about how you have not seen a present from me since the 80's either. I mean well.

Trader Joe's Reality Show

SCENE ONE: INT. Trader Joe's Market. Noonish.

Two registers open. One Line has 3 ladies. Other has 1 bleached blonde bad perm lady with few items. Unsuspecting yoga girl gets behind the 1 lady, even though yoga training intuition says to her "NO! Go to other line!"


BAD PERM LADY:(with pious smile) I need some of these rung up separately.

CHECKOUT GIRL: um, sure.

BPL: let's start with this salad and the two bags of organic nuts.

(checkout girl rings up said items.)

BPL: No wait! I said ONE bag of nuts plus the one salad, and I need to charge that one on my visa.

CG: (into microphone) I NEED A VOID ON REGISTER 2.

(long wait ensues. Re-rings FIRST purchase.)

BPL: umm, what was that pin # for that card? I think... NO..oh yah. (enters wrong pin) Oh wait! that's the wrong card. Here try THIS one.

(FIRST sale finally goes through. Yoga girl tapping foot worrying that lemon sorbet will fucking melt.)

BPL: Okay, and then those Two salads together, and that will be cash. Wait no. ring those individually and I'll still pay cash.

(BPL counts ones for each salad and then puts change and receipts, meticulously folded into origami fashion as to not lose .11 cents for each order.)

BPL: and thennnnnn, the one other salad with the bag of nuts plus the mango slices on one receipt please, and that will be this mastercard.

BPL: and then the last salad plus the banana, I will use the rest of this cash plus the remainder on this other ATM card. Oh and I need separate bags too, if that's okay. But just the one salad per bag except we'll put the fruit separately. And I'll do the nuts, you don't have to bother with that!

meanwhile, back in the other line...12 people have now gone through, eaten their lunches and are now on their way to starbucks downstairs...

SCENE TWO: ext. Parking lot...

Yoga girl and melted lemon sorbet are slowly pulling out of space when black BMW races around corner and cuts her off...Yoga girl goes to glare at rude BMW and sees familiar yellow and black frizzy curls...and GRACIOUSLY lets BMW go first.

BMW peels off with 5 individually wrapped and packed salads and license plate cover says "GOT JESUS?"

Onward Christian Yogis...Marching off to...Meditate??

K...I was just emailed this today and I am enraged.Yahwehyoga is a new "Christ" centered yoga. WHAT?!? I know. I know. I am as appalled and flabbergasted as you. That's seriously like having a MEAT centered Vegan dinner. Or a "bush" centered Gay Pride. Or a Mohammed centered bible study! I am PISSED! Why do the f'ing christians have to bastardize and CLAIM everything?!?! Like Jews for Jesus...what the hell? that's called a CHRISTIAN! Yoga, by definition means Yoke or Union...a union of ALL beliefs and religions. It is it's OWN faith. there need not be any Jesus attached. and this part really got me going...

...We all have to regularly exercise and de-stress in order to experience health and wellness. Yoga is a system of health and wellness...

Yoga is not JUST a system of health and wellness...it is a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE with NO LEADER! There is a WHOLE system of beliefs attached that includes the basic teachings of jesus, among a general understanding that ALL COMES TOGETHER. NO other religious group has tried to claim yoga. There is no Jew yoga, Mormon yoga (www.hevnlylardyoga.com) or even hindu yoga...it all ONE! oh, AND here's the description of the class...

Yahweh Yoga emphasizes Christ and His strength, power and grace in us through movement. The Bible tells us repeatedly that our Heavenly Father wants us to be healthy and take care of our bodies, minds and souls as they are the temples for the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. Yahweh Yoga helps us do this in a way that is most enjoyable and effective. Classes are taught while listening to encouraging contemporary Christ-centered music, in a peaceful setting.


K, let's just begin with "contemporary christ centered music"...YUCK! SO the "christians" have taken the bare bones of yoga, robbed it of any essence, and filled it up with their own version and added some crap music to go along. I totally don't recall ANY bible passages where they did yoga. LOVE, once again, how they pick and choose and steal, and then slap on a cross and make it their own! NO! Can u imagine the backlash if I started a Howard stern "centered" convent, where we listened to contemporary acid rock in a peaceful setting?

I know that this isn't ALL christians, I have nothing against christians who mind their OWN business and don't shove it in my face in the name "of the heavenly father, amen!" But you just can't take ANOTHER spiritual practice all it's own and INSERT LEADER HERE.

I'm so mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself and I fear I am not making sense anymore. Help me baby Jesus...save me from your followers!

Gay Pride

Last night I dressed up cute, to go to dinner with some gay friends in West Hollywood. None of us knew it was gay pride weekend. Weird. there was a time when I planned my whole week around gay pride. And I'm not even gay. They were shocked too. And they ARE gay.

Instead we grumbled at the fact that we had to pay 20 bucks for parking because it was "fucking gay pride," and my gay friend was pissed because all the wait staff was straight cuz the real gay waiters were off for the night, and therefore service was dumb and slow and my friend's chiseled good looks and charm were getting him nowhere. So we laughed at all the young gays over sushi, made fun of the lesbians in their man jeans and birkenstocks (not just a stereotype)and the visiting gay tourists from Iowa etc...

Then just see if we still had any youth left in us we went into the PACKED gay club next door. It was insanity. I used to LIKE this? All I could think was that if one of these drunk fags spilled their Martinis on my $400 dollar shoes...SOMEONE was gonna get hurt! We stayed for ONE madonna song and then shoved our way outta there.

So it's sealed. No youth left. May as well sign up with the republicans and kiss youthful idealism goodbye!

That's okay. I like my shoes better than my youth.

Sat Morning entertainment...

SO, back at the Pasadena Dog Park...where no one really understands a dog park...

This Morning JUST as I was about to leave the dogpark, I saw a car pull up, and I saw two coffee cups emerge, with hands attached...and I KNEW that something good was about to happen, because you basically need to be a trained professional to manage ONE DOG + ONE COFFEE in a dog run...and here the was an entire couple BOTH with coffee cups, and being Pasadena, I knew disaster would follow. But I had NO IDEA how good it would be until the couple emerged, with a backpack, a toddler (whining already) and TWO! hyper skinny looking dogs, and for the piece de resistance...a BAG of breakfast food!!!! HA! we were staying for this!

So I watched it all unfold...in a matter of predictable seconds. As they entered, their hyper dogs ran in, and the dad had the food AND coffee. The mom had the backpack, the brat, coffee and poopbags. Immediately the mom put the kid down and it wobbled in and all the dogs, mine included (no, I didn't call her back) ran over to see the new dumb people. Obviously the kid was knocked over before I could even start laughing. then the dad ran over and placed the coffee and food down on the bench (this is when I started laughing) to get the screaming child, and obviously some other dog went over for the coffee and knocked them both over on the bench and then all the dogs started running for the free java, and then all the OTHER people started running for the dogs because caffeine can be lethal for some dogs. so the dad hands the screaming thing to the mom to go "wipe up" the coffee. Everyone now hates these people, except for me who is standing there laughing and marvelling at my luck, and of course, the bag of food is now soaked with coffee but the dad tries to save the food and is simultaneously being yelled at by one dog owner for the coffee spill while another park purveyor is informing the mom with the screaming kid that BOTH her dogs have pooped and she better clean it up!!!

I left then SO fulfilled. I am SURE that in some psychiatric medical journal I am listed under the symptom of "...Patient gets unusual pleasure watching people self destruct and does nothing to prevent it" which is probably Manic Bi-Polar pshycopathic borderline something or other disorder...but who cares!! That shit was FUNNY!

another stabucks asshole moment of the week (er, day)

My friend wrote a funny post about some girl in starbucks who was being a complete 'asshole' (and if I knew how to link posts I would do that here, but I pretty much haven't figured that out yet.) because she made everyone wait while she made them fix her drink.

SO I was in Starbucks the other day(this morning)(and afternoon)and this girl ordered an iced coffee with caramel sauce ON TOP and when she got it she said there wasn't enough ice and it was too watery, so they made her a new one and it was still too watery because they were using FRESH coffee (duh! NO!) and so she sent it back and they offered her ANY drink so OF COURSE instead, she got a grande iced caramel machiatto, even though actually she wanted an iced coffee, and was shaking her head mildly like "man, I don't wanna get mad at these stupid employees, but why oh why would you make ICED coffee with fresh brew? why?" Meanwhile the line was LOOOOONNGGGG and the place was packed, and when she FINALLY got her Iced Caramel Macchiatto she almost cried because they had put in too much milk and barely any ice so it was "WARM" and "MILKY" she said. She was nice though, so they gave her her money back.
JESUS! What an asshole!

wait...oh yah...that was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUCKERS! HA! YOU WILL ALL WAIT IN LINE CUZ YOU CAN'T DRINK ICED COFFEE WARM!.(OR WATERY!) (OR MILKY!)

Excuse me, are those earth vegan shoes you're wearing? Why YES! They are!

SOrry,. I can't help it. I am basically responding to my own post! (see below)I can't help it. I have thought of nothing but the stupid fucking earth vegan shoes ALL day! Maybe it's because, to a woman, shoes are so sacred. Or maybe it's just cuz I HATE HIPPIE BULLSHIT! I am sorry, but most hippies are poor. And please, "vegan" shoes have been around AT LEAST since Payless...only then it was called "fake leather" and they are $9.99, because THEY ARE FAKE LEATHER. SO dressing up a fake shoe, and making it UGLIER and slapping on a $100 price tag for an ugly ass clomper and calling it "animal friendly" is why I hate Whole Food shopping hippies in the first place!

hey ladies...don't foget your good ole sturdy shoe...for the workplace. Goes PERFECTLY with armani casual separates.


these Mandals are H.O.T. they are taking OVER the Castro District. No one's gonna call YOU a Nellie!


awww. they're so sweet. and pink. and shiny. That just SCREAMS feminine. Move over prissy Blahniks...there ain't enough room in this closet for both us girlz!


I just think vegans deserve better. I really do. It's no wonder they get rolled eyes and waiters secretly putting chicken broth in their Raw Veggie soup. Is this company trying to tell us that all vegans are ugly losers with NO taste or shopping skills whatsoever? I am insulted for them! If I were a vegan (and THANK GOD I'm not) I would be PISSED!

No one comes between me and my...Vegans

K, so I was in Whole foods today, but just to buy organic hormone free beef bones for my dogs that cost a million dollars a pound (I, myself get reduced price dented ding- dongs from the back shelves @ Target) And as I was walking out I stopped dead in my tracks because there was a whole display of VEGAN shoes. And, I think this goes without saying, they were the ugliest nastiest dumpy looking shoes I HAVE EVER SEEN. And many of these were for women. I don't even think the crunchiest lesbian I know would wear these. AND they were expensive! Like at least $100 per pair. And just so they don't get "stolen" whole foods informed us that there was only one of each pair out. ummmm, what would a vegan shoe stealing person look like, exactly?
And I promise, anyone ugly enough to want these "earth friendly, animal friendly fashionable(???)" shoes would NOT be a shoplifter. She would maybe at best, be a VERY sad, single, librarian, who grew up in Berkely with NO TV and NO magazines.
I was so mesmerized by this display I couldn't leave. It was like watching a live tradgedy unfold, you just CAN'T walk away. And I kept reading all the advertising lines and I thought who designed these and who, WHO said "YES! Those are GREAT! It's a GO!!"

can't WAIT to see Paris Hilton in these babies!


for a cute whimsical summer day outfit, try these flirty numbers!


and for the daytripper, try these snazzy veggie trekkers. Goes GREAT with cut-offs!

Sat afternoon...

can't write today. Must prepare for big Yoga workshop tomorrow that I'm teaching. I have to make a cheat sheet of torture for students. so you get gratuitous pics of my only LA friends.

OMMMMMMMM. shanti. shanti. shanti.

Ryan Seacrest and Terri hatcher reincarnated

The three amigos