My friends house, last night.
CHARACTERS PRESENT: : My friend, we'll call her Fraula, and her husband, phill, and her sister, carmin, and me. And Phill's mom and dad.
PHILL'S MOM (midstory)...and then there I was, on the toilet, minding my own business and here comes CRAWLING TOWARD me a SPIDER! And I lifted my feet and didn't know WHAT to do and it was stll crawlin' towards me closer to the toilet and I jumped off that toilet so fast I dont' even think I wiped....
PHILL: GEEZ MOM! That was just a little spider, ad you're like TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS!
FRAULA, CARMIN, and I waited a beat, testing the reactions, and proceeded to laugh so hard we were crying, and I was literally about to pee my pants, had to excuse myself to the bathroom.
Phil's mom pretended not to hear that, or didn't care.
But I'm going to bet that she went home quietly with her husband, excused herself to her bedroom, where she gently pulled her special jewelry box out from under her bed, Her special box that held all her children's baby pictures, her grandmothers wedding ring, children's birth certificates, and homemade birthday cards, written by loving adoring kindergarten hands, edges brown with age. And other such valuables, among them her last will and testament. She carefully unfolded it, and with a slight l smile to her lips, pulled out a ball point pen and scratched out Phil's name slowly at first, and then so fast and hard that it ripped right through the page. She kept going and going until the ball point of the pen was pushed so deep back that it no longer worked. She then gently folded it up, put it back in the box, and started laughing maniacally, almost drunk with power.
That's what I think happened. And when I am old with children, I will make them read this particular blog entry. just as a reminder.
Monday, September 29, 2008
My friends house, last night.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm sorry, but this was just too cool to pass up! First Pillsbury toaster strudels, and now this!
These? are toaster pockets, aka! Toastabags and they are here to save the day!
The genius invention allows you to make a deliciously toasty sandwich in three minutes sans butter, mess, or cleanup. Throw some Havarti and ham on whole wheat, slip the sandy in the bag, and put it in the toaster. PLUS you can even throw some eggs and veggies in for an OMELET! Basically, you can put ANYTHING in here and toaster it! wooooo!
PLUS Each one can be reused up to 300 times.
WOnder if you can do cookie dough? This is going to change the face of cooking (in my house) as we know it!
Monday, September 15, 2008
hey! How cool is this?! And to think I'm working all hard over here in CA when I could have invented this!
Also? I invented THIS WAYYYY long ago, but just didn't have the mechanics to get it together. This kind of thing at least makes camping ONE step closer to being possible. I mean, you know, as soon as the ritz carlton makes tents and electric hiking carts that is.
Now, all they have to do is combine these two products and you're set for life basically. Iced lattes at your fingertips!
I could have invented A LOT of things. But here are some things that aren't invented yet (I don't think) but I should invent them but won't and then in a couple of years some chick will be on oprah for inventing the VERY things I have mentioned here!
A teddy bear that's like an electric blanket. But like, you microwave it, and there's something in it that warms up, and stays warm for like 8 hrs. And then little kids can have a warm teddy all night. And I supposed if you're a lonely old guy you could have a warm 'lady' with you all night, but that's an entirely different product, really. Maybe this is already invented, but even if it is, I thought of it WAY long ago.
An application for your iphone that translates any language spoken near you. So say you're getting you nails done, you'd TOTALLY know what they're saying about you.
A mini espresso pod machine that's built into your car dashboard. Actually, what Apple needs to do is have an "icar"
here are the specs for the icar...
-comes equipped with built in ipod/itunes system, where if you want to record or hear a song you just shout it out, and it plays the song and downloads it all at once. And 'auto'matically (get it? HA!) charges your account.
-cross promoted with starbucks to have a mini espresso pod where you just press a button and espresso comes into a little icup. ePods AND ipods are available at starbucks, which you can order FROM your car and have ready for pickup.
- the 'key' to your icar is your iphone...AND a credit card. so you don't have to carry anything else around with you. You just call your car and it unlocks, starts your espresso AND turns the engine on.
- there is no more "gps' system...it is now ips...you just call out the address and your car knows where to go. you are still in control and all, but if you're supposed to turn left, say, then your blinker goes on when you need to turn left! Also your icar is programmed to know all the nearest starbucks and will just drive there on command. Also, you can locate your car from your iphone, in case you forget where you parked and/or someone borrowed your icar to 'go tot the grocery store' and then you can see where they REALLY are.
-has built in mini trash compactor
-iphone stores drivers license insurance and registration on command. No more digging in the glove box. Glove box replaced with icrowave...a mini bake oven/microwave combo.
That's all i can think of for now. I'm sure I'll be obsessing and adding all day long.
there are other inventions that I have, but now I'm too tired to remember them. Good thing Benjamin Franklin didn't have my lazy gene pool, eh?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
ME: (entering tiny elevator) So, is this the last piece of furniture?
HIM:(also in tiny elevator, corn rolls & pony tail, giant baggy jeans with airbrush black man face across the right pant) Not yet. But I surprised you didn't I? I surprised YOU with how FAST I am. You didn't think. I know. I was watchin' you. How long you been in LA?
ME: About 3 yrs.
HIM: WHere you befo' that?
ME: New York
HIM: AHhhhh. I knew there was a reason I had an eye fo' you.
ME: (uh oh) Ohhhh. Ha. yah.
HIM: (looks me up and down) mmmm. You are built like SUM'thin else. You just been workin' out?
ME: (GAWWDDDD! WHY?) noooo. I just teach yoga. That's why I'm in yoga clothes.
HIM: YOGA! AH. I been meanin' to try that stuff. You give them PRI-vate lessons??? CUz I need some PRI-vate lessons.
ME: OH no. nononono...., I just teach at a gym.
HIM: What else you do?
ME: (goddamn slow elevator!) ohhhh. NOTHING. I do nothing.
HIM: ME EITHER! That's what I'm tellin' you. That's why we need to CO-lla-BO-rate.
ME: ohhh, yah. ha. ummm....hey! here we are! Oh and there are my friends....JEN! JEN! The movers are ready for the couch!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
These are two amazing clips on Norwegian Lifestyle. AND for those of you Michael Moore naysayers, Inga is sitting here right next to me on the couch saying "it's all true." Isn't it CRAZY??? On the second video below, pay attention to how the woman says that when breast feeding they "don't whip out their boobs or anything" Whole Foods Women...take a lesson!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
This morning I was doing my usual thing, you know, getting up and all, and I poked my contacts in and reached for the remote to flip on the TV and I was barely awake when I saw an announcer reading a list of names. And I was all "what's that?" and then I realized. It's 9/11. How could I forget? how do we get SO busy like that?
And for SOME reason, as they were reading the names I was riveted. I listened to every.single.name. because all of a sudden it seemed so personal. Like they weren't just NAMES. They were people. I know this seems obvious, and I am having a 7 yr delayed response here, but here it is nonetheless. Among all the STUPID news coverage lately (and if I'm saying it's stupid, then it's bad) here is this tribute to remind us what's important.
And that's the whole thing. How valuable everyone is. Even the hippies. How we obsess about our differences and prey on each other's soft spots. How we constantly judge each other, ya know? How we get SO busy that we forget how good we have it. how one last smile from a stranger may be your last smile, so notice it. And maybe if we just start small, like remembering the impact we have on each other and just once reminding yourself to connect with a stranger. just once is a good start. to remember that your face could be the last they see...so make it a good one.
Nothing earth shattering here. I'm not saying drop everything and smell the roses. I'm not saying to hug the ones you love, cuz that's easy, hugging the ones you LOVE. I'm just saying that as they read those names all I could think was that if I had lost someone in 9/11, that if that someone was on their way to the twin towers and this was their last moment, I would have hoped that someone on their way to work would have smiled, or done something like hold the door for them, or let them go first. Maybe its those smallest gestures, not the big ones that keep us connected.
And in a time like now, when opinions and "rightness" have run amok, we can just remember to stay small and kind. To not ONLY offer up our best parts to strangers, but to receive the best parts of others we are offered every single day, but just don't notice or even see as valuable.
I know. I know, This kind of stuff from me is usually buried in a hermetically sealed cryogenic bunker under Popeye's chicken. But there you go. I'll be back at it tomorrow. Maybe I'll give a hippie a break on my next Whole Foods trip, which will be soon because I ate all my, erm, vitamins.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
I JUST got home from teaching a class tonight. There MUST be something in the yogic air, because I am NOT EVEN KIDDING when I tell you that after class I went into the bathroom to, well, to pee, and I ran into a woman who just took class, TOTALLY NAKED with HUGE fake boobs....no towel or anything. She had, apparently, just whipped off her clothes after class, and pranced around the locker room.
I tried to book it with my head down to the stalls, but OF COURSE she stops midway to the sink and TALKS TO ME. shitshitshitshit.
"OH MY GAAWWWDDDD...that was THE hardest class!' she's just standing there, her fake boobs floating on her chest, they are SO HIGH UP that I couldn't even NOT see them as I tried to FREEZE my eyes on hers.
"WHEN ELSE DO YOU TEACH?!?" I felt like an 8th grade boy at his first nudie bar. I didn't know what to say or where to look. I think her left nipple actually poked me in the eye.
"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A CLASS LIKE THAT! IT WAS FUN. I MEAN I'VE DONE YOGA AT A STUDIO WHERE......." My mind was a complete blank. WHO? is this woman!! My heart was thumping out of my chest. I think it was scared of the giant boobs across the way, like they were big threatening bullies who were all "WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU AND WE WILL CUT YOU"
This is my payback, I was thinking, for all my bitching about the hippies and the beatniks and using the word 'retarded' WAY too many times. This was the dalai lama smacking me around. So naturally I begged to my REGULAR god. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE baby jesus....MAKE her go away!!! Remember when I was in the Bell Choir? When I went to Bible Camp ? When I played wise man #3 in the Nativity scene? Even though I accidentally on purpose pulled Molly Burns' hair because she got to be Mary...
FInally I heard the words... "WELL THANKS! I'LL BE THERE EVERY WEEK.
I feel like a fugitive at my own Job. I avoid all the students as it is. I get there only minutes before class, and I bolt before everyone else, unless a velvet clad tree hugger blocks my way (they're good at that) (SORRY GOD!) I don't even feel safe in my own home. I've been scarred. When the chinese delivery came just now I was seriously expecting to open the door and he'd be all "you wanna nookie nookie in your fortune cookie" while wearing nothing but a samurai sword and a take-out menu.
I'm exhausted. I suppose this would be what SOME people call Karma. But then I don't believe in Karma, cuz then, can you imagine what would happen to meter maids??
A woman came up to me in line at whole foods ( I ONLY go there for
cheese puffs vitamins. And she was of some foreign country, sweden maybe? Total tourist. And she had some fruit rolls in her hand and she came up to me (I musta looked safest from the hemp dreadlocked mom's who were whipping out there boobs to breast feed) and she was like "where are ze cigarettes?" and I practically dropped my VITAMINS on the floor. The moms practically spit farm harvested soy milk on her and turned their patchouli organic cotton diapered baby's away ( i am not even kidding) And I was like " I don't THINK they have cigarettes here. They MIGHT, but I doubt it." And she looked at me puzzled. "non?" and incredulous. I was like "i know. i know. (as IF I ever smoked, but I knew our entire conversation was bugging EVERYONE in line so I hammed it up) they SHOULD have cigarettes here, but they don't. it's WEIRD.(shrug shoulders) But I know you can GET CIGARETTES next door at CVS." I don't even know if she understood me. But the organic mommies sure did. I also just kept repeating the word CIGARETTE loudly as many times as I could fit in a sentence. ahhh. You just don't get opportunities like that every day.
brand new soft white tee shirts
brand new soft white socks
people who trip right in front of you, but they don't totally fall and they try to recover, but they end up wobbling all over, then do a small jog, and then they try to be cool about it.
Brand new shoe smell right when you open the box. The more expensive the shoe, the better the smell. The more expensive the shoe when you just spent your gas bill on them, the WAY more intoxicating the smell. aahhhhh.
when there's not one but TWO of your favorite show on, new episodes, back to back.
when the starbucks guy DOESN'T charge you for vanilla syrup.
So far, so good. But I do have to drive to the airport today. Maybe I'll win a free trip to paris! or or maybe Someone will try to cut me off and run into the divide!
I had my old client today, he's like i dunno, 72 or something, and I went to adjust him in this hip opener pose, and he was wearing these slick pants and my hand fully slipped and....well....you can tell where this is going. And it isn't good. I about died, said "ohmygodSORRY" and he was like "no, eees okay" (he's french....they're progressive like that) and for him, that was that. Me? i was mortified. I turned bright red. I couldn't focus. I was terrified to do the other side and NOT adjust him, and yet what if I hit his ding-a-ling again? I mean this is a guy is MY FATHER'S AGE. I am feeling pukey even talking about it.
I mean I have had two instances like this before. Once I was putting my foot right on a guy's hip and my foot slipped and I stepped on IT. But that was more of an ordeal for him than me. And another time I went to grab a guy's leg and he tipped over and I tried to catch him, and oh, I caught him alright. That was embarrassing, but he was gay and we both laughed. Don't get me wrong it was a nervous laugh for me. THAT! is never a comfortable situation.
I swear, why can't I just have a nice climate controlled office job? where the only danger is a paper cut.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Maggie is turned upside down on my bed snoring.
I'm watching Tyra banks on the Fox Morning News.
(I capitalized that to give FOx News the prestige and credibility that they so truly deserve)
I just ate a breakfast of Barbara's Cheese Puff Bakes (ditto the cap's on those, and if you have never eaten them DON'T START because then you will not only eat them as your entire dinner, but the next morning you'll be excited to GET UP so you can eat them for breakfast)( And Make sure to get the regular ones AND the white cheddar)(and they're from WHOLE FOODS so they're TOTALLY HEALTHY)
And I don't have to work until 6:30...PM
ahhhh...THIS! is the life. This is what my little girl dreams were made of. I mean, in my dreams I was also married to Shaun Cassidy (I needed to link to this pic because if you google 'sean cassidy' all that shows up are hundreds of pics of a Gay Porn Star, and I was all 'OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!??!?!) (not that there's ANYthing wron with gay porn stars. we all have our thing.)
(ummm, Fox News just did a story on a woman who was found dead in her house, and they were all 'we can't release her name because her family members haven't been reached yet' and then they did a full span of the front of her house and then the reported stood RIGHT in front of her house, with her car parked out front. Geez, glad they're not protecting my credit info.)
I won't mention that earlier this morning Mick ran into the house muddy...and excited...and jumped INTO my bed. My unmade bed so he hit every layer of bed sheet/comforter/top blanket/pillow cases. So you know, God Blessed me with Tyra and cheese puffs to make up for Mick and....just Mick. That's enough strife for one person.
Well, that's my Monday. How's yours goin'?
Monday, September 01, 2008
1. ROCKSTAR NAME : (first pet, current car)
freddy lexus! (hey...that's a good one!)
2. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite shoe)
Jamoca Oreo UGG! (an' don' you fuh-get it!)
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first 3 letters of last name)
Kkam (K-kam and the jammy jam!)
4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
That's MS. Periwinkle blue dog at your service!
5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
6. STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first)
7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's THE PINK FRAPPUCINO!
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Edward Grampy (I cant remember my grampy's first name!)
9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mom & dad's middle names)
Louise Lawrence (oh God, i am NEVER testifying against a mobster)
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your 6th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Knox Knoxville (ha!) (knoxville's a city right? in the south somewhere? right?)
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
halloween daisy (i might just legally change to this one)
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie")
Mango Pajamie (I guess I would be a "japanimantion" star)
13. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
chinese leftovers maple tree, duuuude.
14. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + your favorite hobby/craft, favorite weather element + "Tour")
The Making Fun of People Snow Tour! **SOLD OUT** (edgy, no?)
15. CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: (half of your name, half of your significant other's name, mixed together in whichever order sounds best)
16. STRIPPER NAME (current pet+street you grew up on)
and if we were at chippendales....Mick Cozad