Nothing Really

YAY! I just got my laptop back. My warranty is up in july so I took it in to get a new keyboard thingy. I hate going to the stupid "genius" bar because there's always SOME way in which I don't even know the most basic ways of my computer. Like, the stuff a kindergartner, nay PRE-SCHOOLER, would know.

This is why I love hanging around people who think my websites and stuff are AMAZING. They're in awe...like "how did you DO that!?" or "you are SO talented...I could never do any of that!" and I just shrug my shoulders and go "what? this old thing?" and flip my hair.

Sure, "those people" are my mom who still calls and says "can you look up a recipe I saw on the food network today? It's
DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOT.......ON the INTERNET. Can you do that? And then send it to me in the mail?"

They didn't send me to private schools for nuthin'!

Um speaking of that. In oct. it's my, gulp, TWENTIETH High school reunion! AHHHHHHH!!!! How did THAT happen?? I remember at my 10th, seeing pics of the 20th reunion girls (went to an all girls high school) and being all "sucsk to be THAT old!"

sigh. I don't FEEL that old! And I certainly don't ACT it. I still eat Hostess products and rice krispy treats and watch Gossip gril and listen to Hannah Montana. Sure I don't shop at Urban Outfitters or anything, but STILL!!

NEXT SUBJECT! (deny deny deny)

I was at Jcrew yesterday...GREAT SALE on tissue tee's $15!!!...and their "fall line" is the ugliest granny looking stuff I've seen. They've brought back MAUVE. Ick! How? Why? AND Iridescent Mauve items too. Seriously. And and, ruffled prairie shirts with the high necks circa Harriet Olesen and Gunne sax.



It fits that all this ugly 80's conservative stuff is coming back at the same time as my high school reunion. Maybe I should go out and get a perm, a bleached hair job, and some big thick giant glasses to finish it off. That way everyone will recognize me!

Job interview tips!

"There is no I in TEAM....But there is a ME"-Ellen Degeneres

UGH! I have "The View" on for background noise. That show irritates me, and yet, keeps me up on the news. Elizabeth Hasselback....I THROW BLUE JELLO AT YOU!

Anyway they are having a segment on "jobs" and where to find them and then the something something from Walmart comes on and they ask her "what are you looking for?" And she was like "ENTHUSIASM!! MOTIVATION!! CREATIVITY!!"

uhhhhh boy. It is SUCH a good thing I don't need to look for a job, because I haven't had "enthusiasm" in my vocabulary since my 20's, and even then I was faking it.

This brought to memory all the "interviews" I've had and all of the hundreds of times I said "I LOVE working with PEOPLE!" hahahahha. There is no one who loves working people LESS than me. "Team player" makes me shudder. The only sport I played, ever, was Tennis. Because being on the 'tennis team' did NOT involve working with others.

Which is why I have never had a resume, or a real job interview since '89. All the jobs I've had were from word of mouth or just "you're hired." (they were desperate)

I feel for people having to go through that process again. Seriously. If you have to go through a Job interview, write me and bitch to me because I will laugh and make fun of the person who did the interviewing and hey, it's better than crying over a gallon on Jamoca Almond fudge! (well, the crying part....the jamoca almond fudge part is AWESOME) (even if you DON'T NEED A JOB!)

I especially loved when I used to whine to my mom in college how broke I was (hint hint) and couldn't find a job (no one could see my winning personality!) And she would UNSYMPATHETICALLY say "well, then you should get a job at McDonald's. What? you think you're too good for McDonalds? Well then I guess you'll just have to starve then!"

And you wonder why I've grown into the cold hearted surly bitch that you know and love!

I just wasn't born to do actual work. It was all spelled out for me when my second grade teacher, Sister Nancy Jean, wrote on my report card "does not work well with others" and "talks too much." Which is why i am such an awesome yoga teacher!! See? those grade school teachers know their stuff!!

Man's best friend....IF you have carbs on hand

Let's put it this way. They didn't look like this because I was blogging.

It's because I was bagel-ing.

Farmer Yogabitch is gonna have farm....eee-i-eee-i-O....a chick chick here, a dog dog there. Here a chick there a dog, maybe gonna get a pig too.....

I am SO TOTALLY getting one of these when I get home! Seriously! I have been having some issues eating meat lately...meaning, when you're bored...NOT a great idea to look at farm animal videos on youtube.

SO, even though it is TOTALLY hippie of me, I have stopped eating meat except for fish, cuz no offense to fish? But I don't really care if they're overcrowded. One of the videos that KILLED me was about the egg industry and what a scam it is and how they kill all the baby boy chicks, etc....again, not linking here cuz it would scar you for life. And I was like "how the HELL could I give up eggs??? Eggs are in chocolate chip cookies!!"

Then I JUST found this and about fell over! And yes, I'm getting pink!



OH....and you can order the chickens from them too! CAN you even IMAGINE the excitement when UPS shows up with THIS bad boy??!?

You just don't know how excited I am for fresh eggs every morning...

That....and.....

this will SO ANNOY MY NEIGHBORS!!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

People say I inherited my dad's humor.
Let's just hope I didn't inherit his, um, 'fashion sense'

LOVE YOU!

Friday Night Recovery

I am home. NY home.

BUT I still have some remnants from my trip...

I just want to point out here that my airplane was totally circa '75. With the 12 inch TV's that come down from the ceiling in the middle aisle. It was so low rent. They had STICKERS on the backs of seats like this....


Which begs the question...."PLUS what??"

And then this cracked me up...


I mean cuz, make NO MISTAKE First Class people...THESE seats are RESERVED for Economy Class. Nice try. Go back to your first class seats cuz these ARE RESERVED. I'm SOOOOO glad United saw fit to make SURE that no person from Business, some person with no RESERVATIONS tried to steal my seat!

Seriously. Why can't Lexus make planes?

Also for some reason, (I think because no one picks anyone up from the airport anymore. Asking for an airport ride these days is like asking someone to help you MOVE. Lots of awkward silence while excuses are being thought up) I had to take A LOT of cabs. I am used to this in NY, but I had to take a cab to the airport from LA too...and it was EIGHTY DOLLARS!! AND the driver was chatty and laughed a LOT. why is this bad? Funny you should mention the word BAD...Because oh! THE BREATH! And he kept laughing and laughing. And the windows were up.

I don't know if I'll recover.

Why is there NOTHING on TV on friday night? why?

When Good Flights Go bad....OR...When they don't go at all.

I'm stuck in LA. Which, isn't SO bad. But this is the first time I have EVER been actually bumped off my flight...where I DID NOT in fact volunteer.

In the name of getting a free flight, I have been "bumped off" a few flights, or so that's what my job was meant to believe. This time however, I didn't even WANT a free ghetto flight on stupid United Airlines. So for real I was bumped off...WITH NO WARNING. The guy was literally PRETENDING to print my boarding pass at the gate and frowning at the printer when they CLOSED.THE.GATE.

There were like 8 of us who were "waiting for seat assignments" (wink wink)

And then all of a sudden the doors shut and that robo-girl-voice says "flight blah blah blah to Kenendy is set for take-off!"

8 people simultaneously went "what? huh? what?"

We had NO IDEA. They didn't even do a call for volunteers????

I was too stunned to even get all riled up ranting about my "rights" and "My job tomorrow" (heh heh..."job!") (though I for real was supposed to work 2 classes tomorrow) But ONE guy was more stunned than I.

****WARNING*****RATED R FOR LANGUAGE*****

(I can't even type in caps big enough)

HIM: WHAT? WHAT YOU MEAN I AIN'T GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE!? I PAID FOR THSI PLANE! I AM GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE!

WHY THOSE DORRS SHUT? I AM NOT ON THE PLANE! WHY THOSE DOORS SHUT! O-PEN THEM UP!

WHAT THE F*CK! HOW YOU GONNA TELL ME I'M NOT GETTIN' ON THIS PLANE?! WHY THEM OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANE AN' NOT ME!?!

(I felt bad for the guy. I was THINKING all those things.)

THEM: Sir. calm down. sir. we'll get to you. calm down.

HIM: DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
(Telling someone in a freak out to calm down never really works, does it.)

THIS IS F*CKIN' BULLSHIT!
THIS SHIT IS F*CKED UP!

THEM: (ignoring him, and typing on their little keyboards making us believe they're DOING something)

HIM: HEY! HEY YOU! DON'T PRETEND I AINT HERE. YOU! FAT BITCH. YAH! I'm TALKIN' TO YOU

HER: SECURITY!

Security comes....4 cops!

The lesson? DO NOT ever...EVER call a woman "FAT"

The funny part was when they told me I could NOT get a taxi voucher back to my HOME but they would "put me up" at a "hotel" and I was all WHAT hotel? and they were all "La Quinta Airport Inn." Yah. INNS are NOT Hotels. Unless you are touring the Swiss Alps, INNS are MOTELS.

Well, it's kinda sorta nice having a free night at home. Even if I DO have to take YET ANOTHER cab to the airport in the morning. They offered me a "super shuttle" voucher! HA! I'm sure. I Paid my super shuttle dues in my twenties dude. NO WAY. They pick you up at like 4:30 AM for an 8 AM flight. Way to go United! La Quinta Inn and a Super shuttle ride! And who says the airlines don't offer bells and whistles anymore?! WHO!?

Positivity on a plane...which, if u think about it, is WAY better than snakes.

I'm sitting on my flight to LA. Ho hum. We r stranded on the runway because of lightning and rain. Isn't that positive? I read an article the other day saying that you can find at least 3 positive apects to a situation and if you can see 6 and up, your life will be way better end you'll have no depression blah blah.

I'm gonna tell u the positive things about right now..,

1. I remembered to buy a really awesome chicken curry wrap and Oreo brownie and gummy frogs for my flight, which is good because we will be on this hell vessel all day long apparently and now I won't be forced to buy their $15 "snack boxes" consisting of a nature valley granola bar, a piece of string cheese, a mini bag of cheez-its and a Capri sun.

2. I am nice and organized right now because I got up at 4am and got all my stuff together and hopped in a cab and got to the airport a half hour early....early enough to browse the bookstore and buy In touch weekly and make my 8:30 flight all so I could sit on the runway!
But I am going to read all about jon & Kate plus 8 lawyers...ha! I just made that line up. I really should be working for in touch.

3. I am on an aisle seat. In coach. Sure. That's NOT at all positive except that hey...I'm not the poor asian guy in the middle seat next to me! Sucka!

4.There's an adorable, albeit chatty old lady sitting next to the middle seat guy. She is talking and talking and talking. She's pointing out all the features to him on her iPhone. And telling him, in detail, about all her "apps." And then he pulls out his iPhone and she goes "ohhhhh! They have apps in Japanese too???" heh heh. Then she goes "you know I think the iPhone is great. A lot of people seem to like those berries too. You know those berry phones?" see? I could say she is annoying! But she's not! Because she isn't talking to me!!!

5. I can blog. Even if it is on my non-Japanese iPhone. Even if it does kill my battery because I keep having to type every word twice thanks to the quote..,spell checker...unquote.

6. Let's seeeeee. Number 6...nuuiuummmmmmmmmber 6....oh! Okay! Even though I am so fat my but is shoved against the two armrests, I am not soooooo fat that I had to buy two seats!

Oh thank God I got to 6!!! Now I can be all happy and undepressed and not even cry about how I am not in business class where I normally am with all the pretty people and the double wide seats and the warm nuts and cookies and lattes.

Uh. Oh. They're handing out FREE granola bars and the chattly lady just exclaimed to the stewardess "granola bars!! How long ARE WE GONNA BE!?!?!?!"

I like her. Hey! That's 7 whole positive things!!" I am on my way to total bliss now...even if I'm not on my way anywhere else apparently.

ain't no juan valdez

Just went to my coffee place on the way to class. That's what I do. Get a large vanilla latte or some such drink and get on the subway and arrive all coked up for my class to kick their butts.

I go to a place called 'Oren's Daily Roast'. I go there for lattes and iced coffee. Jack's for regular coffee. It's a very intricate process.

ANYWAY. Their large latte comes with 3 shots of espresso...my absolute max. And today, the girl was all...do you want 4 shots? It's free. hmmmm. I don't know about you but the word "free" is like crack. It's SO hard to say no! Even if you don't want said free item. So I was like, okay! And I was thinking I'd just drink 3/4 of the latte....that way it would be strong...and I wouldn't have to drink as much! because it's FREE! This is the same logic I use for "sales." I think it's a genetic defect. On my mother's side.

BUT you see? I forgot to STOP drinking it. And then I realized I'd finished the whole thing! uh oh. My poor poor class. I was like an auctioneer barking out poses.

And now I'm writing this entire Jane Austin style post about coffee because I think when you're high on coffee you think anything is fascinating. NO TOPIC IS TOO BORING when you're on 4 espresso shots!

And this is what Mick looked like after our "walk" this morning.



hmmmm....maybe I should try this more often!! ANd then my next post will be 12 paragraphs about me doing dishes!

(HA! AS IF I ever do dishes!)

The dangerous streets of New York....

I went to see the best movie ever tonight (more about that later) and then my friend and I went out for dinner at a predominantly gay restaurant/bar. The problem with these places is that the food is expensive and usually sux. Of course they majorly screwed up my dinner, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. It went like this...

MY cheeseburger is well done. I ordered medium rare.
My new cheeseburger is now more well done than the last one.
My third new cheeseburger is practically raw now.

SO they offered me a free drink. bleh. I don't drink barely ever. When I do I start sneezing like crazy and that is so HOT. I was like "I guesssssssss...I'll have the blood orange cosmo" It was pink and pretty! So I took a sip. It was like ALL ALCOHOL. No wonder their food's bad. They can't TASTE it. But still, it was so pretty, so I sipped a few more sips. For real I had about 1/5 of that cosmo.

THEN My friend and I parted ways. I, a wee bit tipsy, made my way home walking in the dark.

And THIS is what sets New York apart from other cities. You walk home. You don't just get tipsy and then get dropped off. This is when it gets scary. Those dark walks home, your judgement slightly impaired. Not knowing WHAT will jump out at you. 

Annnndddd what jumped out at me was...

SALE!! up to 70% OFF!!

We're not talking ONE store either. They're all lined up. AND tucked away on small streets. So no one is there to hear your screams for help. I ended up with THREE new dresses, only ONE of which was on sale. That's how they get you. The sale stuff is lame. Size 00's. Neon and whatnot. 

And to make matters worse, these are not the kind of stores that take kindly to returns. And I SWEAR of the non-sale stuff they only put out ONE of each size so they can be all "yah...that's the last one...company wide...in THE WORLD."

AND unlike every other mall in the world, they stay open LATE...to GET YOU. And just when you've left one store, there's another lurking around the next corner. Must have panties, an adorable pad of paper with matching bra, that cute hardback book sitting in the window of an adorable bookstore and WHY NOT just pop in for a mani/pedi? (at the mani/pedi place they even OFFER YOU FREE DRINKS! with things called the 'summer watermelon martini pedi')

I mean, we're completely helpless creatures out there in the city all alone. Where are Benson and Stabler when u need 'em?

Anyway. Go see the movie 'UP' because honestly it's the best movie in the history of all movies! I cried 10 times AT LEAST.  In a good way. I know I'm partial since the star dog is a golden retriever. But for real I might have to say that it's my all time favorite kid's movie...MAYBE even my all time favorite movie. Seriously.

I'm going to go watch late night L&O SVU reruns to see if I can learn any new self defense techniques!

CO-family sleeping...it's best for the children.

see that teeny tiny spot on the right where the pillows are? Yah. That's where I slept last night. And my mom wonders why I haven't married yet.