We're not in kansas Anymore. No. Really. FINALLY.

Because I know you're on THE EDGE of your seats, I decided to make you a VLOG. This is gritty cinematography at it's best. Spielberg already called me in for a sundance entry.

poos and granny shoes

Had to go to the geriatric care unit foot doctor today. I won't say the P word because I've already been through enough 'old lady trauma' these past two weeks. But I had to look at x-rays of my feet. EWWWW! Creepy! I looked all Jack Skellington.


Now I can't even look at my feet without being grossed out. Like there's a DEAD THING living inside me! {shiver}

And can I just mention that whilst I was waiting for the foot doctor I had an interesting array of products and fungus toe pictures and hammer toe skeletons staring at me? Like I was in the house of foot horrors. The upside? Pre-xrays I was VERY enamored with my perfect non fungal, non hammer-toed feet.

Then the doctor said "I can tape up your foot OR you might want to consider orthodics"

I was all TAPE IT UP I WILL NOT GET ORTHODICS UNTIL I AM 75

THEN for the rest of my super fun day I had to take a poo sample to the vet! I just LOVE Mick. If there is something to GET, he gets it.

And this, folks? Is my glamorous life in New York. Whatever Whitney Port and your tan grover arms! I'll show YOU the city!

This is a yoga-mercial. The ideas expressed in this blog are in no way endorsed by anyone.

I had to go to "physical therapy" today for the first time. I was all excited for a nice foot massage, or a therapist to just sit there and move my foot around and stretch stuff and be all "I can NOT buh-lieve you've been walking around with this horrible foot injury! You poor poor thing! You are SUCH a brave pioneer!"

I did NOT expect "okay, so sit here for a second and I'll be right back and we'll start with some exercises."
"Whach you talkin' bout Willis?""Physical Therapist lady say Wha?"

ugh. Injuries are NOT what they make them out to be on TV! I mean, all those people who call Jacoby & Meyers are sittin pretty in their mansions, on their Rascals that they got cuz they slipped at work! They got THOUSANDS! Hundreds of thousands! They didn't have to EXERCISE! Pfft.

I think I'm ready to just head back to CA now. I'm bored all holed up in an apt in NYC ordering delivery all day doing nothing. When I COULD be driving across Nebraska listening to Book 3 in the Twilight series!

You don't understand. Things are dire here. I am watching TV shows I've never even HEARD of before. I even did the ultimate boredom no no. I watched an entire half hour of...of...an INFO-MERCIAL. An info-mercial with heidi Klum and her magic disappearing wrinkle wand tide stick looking thing. And...and...I considered ORDERING IT.

And then I saw a show about a "natural" mom who gave birth on her boyfriend's LAP. On purpose. And they SHOWED IT. And a show about a woman adopting a baby in Korea...and I cried! I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYONE ADOPTING THINGS IN KOREA!!!

These aren't even shows discussed amongst my already low-brow circle of sisterhood. (no offense to anyone.) I mean, discussing today's Tyra show is one thing...yesterday's Soap Network Battle of the Stars? no.
These things have scarred me for life.

Oh my gosh...Cash Cab Marathon is on!!! See ya.

waiting for guffman....

UGH! I HATE HATE HATE waiting for people who are traveling to see me to GET HERE! Especially when everything is all ready. I mean...I vacuumed for these people! And now I find myself wandering laps around the place, making sure everything is ready. Moving the salt shaker two inches to the left. Pulling the shower curtain closed JUST SO.

I seriously need to start working again! (HAHAHA! Just kidding!)

I already just found out that one of my friends isn't coming because she forgot to pack her snuggie started puking on the plane. Then had to get off the plane. Isn't that SO SAD? That people were probably pointing and laughing at her like that?

I mean, if it were ME and I were puking on a plane I would just be all furrowed brow, weak voice "I. just. need. to. be. up. front." And I woulda done it AFTER they took off. And even if first class were full, they would request someone to switch seats and if they didn't they'd feel like a real A-hole. And then I'd be all "I. just. need. something. for. my. stomach. Sprite. and. warm. cookies. would. be. fine."

But I can't expect EVERYONE to have my gifted skills.

So now I'm extra neurotic like "did R make it?" "is her plane delayed?" "did she bring a snuggie too??"

Hey, It JUST occurred to me that MAYBE R poisoned K somehow. So she could have me ALL to herself! I mean, it wouldn't be the first time.

Hopefully she'll get here tomorrow morning. But I can't guarantee that her portion of the british candy bars will still be here.

Guess I'll go around once more and move the table chairs around.

The only cat in my life....

Oh, those crazy brits!

First, they INVENTED the kit kat bar. YAY UK!

THEN they went ahead and made it CHUNKY sized. THEN they added caramel...


and now???



OH MY HECK! This was the best thing EVER. It's made by Nestle, not hersheys, which MEANS that it's made in the UK...and as we ALL KNOW, candy from the UK is the best candy in THE WORLD.

I found it here. Hope you can find some!!

(I bought two for my arriving guests. Then I ate one. And then I ate the other one. oops. Sorry!!)

City Slipper

I have been put on "NO ACTIVITY" house arrest. SO I have been sitting in my apt with my foot elevated popping pills and cheese puffs!

I know the ENTIRE TV line-up from 8AM to Midnight. 2pm is a VERY dead hour in cable land. So I've been blowing through books.
The highlight of my days are chinese delivery and when my mom calls my cell and I don't answer and this is what she says on voicemail:
"Hi Honey! Are you there?............................Pick up if you're there!....................................................Okay! I guess you're not there..Call me!" This cracks me up. She still calls her cell "the car phone." I wonder at what point I'll be doing crazy old lady stuff like that?

Um, did you know that on the west inferior coast we don't have TWO very necessary items.
1. PUFFY cheese puffs. We have Cheetos cheese puffs, but they're skinny. The ones here are the original cheetos FAT cheese puffs. I have no idea why they make them skinnier on the west, but IT'S LAME! Suffice it to say that my keyboard has a not-so-mysterious orange tint to it.
2. Wonder bread! And I'm sorry, I know wonder bread is barely even food, but egg salad, bologna and peanut butter & Jelly (not all together) BELONG on wonder bread! And they don't sell it in CA anymore! I know! RIght?! But they have it here! And boy oh boy have I made the most of this rarity!

Basically I have reverted to 8yrs old here in NY during my "recovery" (Hi workers comp people! I am WAY in pain!!)

When you are homebound you discover TV shows that you would otherwise never watch. I highly recommend that if you're gonna slip on the stairs at work, that you do so for Fall Network Sweeps. I am now hooked on "18 kids and counting." has anyone seen this show? I.LOVE.IT. It's so freaky, and yet, so so, I don't even know. The dad's name is Jim Bob...need I say more? Between TLC and Bravo, I am learning all I need to know about life.

People keep calling me asking if I need anything, like groceries. I mean, the answer is YES. But can you just IMAGINE the list I would have? Yah. You don't HAVE to imagine it. See paragraphs 1 through 3. That is why I believe that EVERY single daytime commercial is for The Jitterbug phone, Larry H Parker accident attorney, and lap band surgery. Man, do they know their old, fat, "medically" unemployed audience. ( oh and also cash4gold commercials. For those of us fat old unemployed people who cross the line into pure desperation and go stealing from grandma's jewelry box)
Hostess is missing a real ad campaign op here.

ooooh...NEW episode of Tori & Dean on! My Guests are gonna have SO.MUCH.FUN here!!!

New York Guide for Tourists....Packing 101:The essentials!

I have a LOT of friends scheduled to come visit me in the next few coming weeks. I can't help that wherever I go? THEY FOLLOW. It's not EVEN because I'm in NYC and they're using me for a free place to stay. It's like, I could be in a cabin in the ozarks and STILL they'd be booking flights.

And being the world traveler savvy self that I am, I just wanted to make sure my friends come well equipped for a big city such as this.

SO, here are some things you MUST not forget to pack when coming to the Big Apple.

First off, we have a LOT of cockroaches here. It can be VERY ANNOYING. So, it's good if you can remember to pack your RoachSwatterSlippers, or as we call them 'Roach-flops'. Coach just came out with some awesome leather ones for summer....you can get them online. Just click on Coach Roach Summer '09!

And then we also drink LOTS of coffee here. AND, for me anyway, I'm ALWAYS running into fans and celebs and whatnot. SO def bring your pole cup holders. Because you just never know when you're gonna need to answer your phone or, for my tourist friends, pull out a map (but don't do that in front of me, k?)(seriously)(I will point and laugh at you and pretend to have never met you if you pull out a map)( I might even kick you and run away)


There's ALSO a LOT of waiting around for cabs and subways and stuff. Also it's crowded here! Mostly there's never even a place to sit at Starbucks! SO for SURE don't forget your Seat-a-round! (brought to you by the makers of hov-a-round) And seriously, if you don't already own one, GET ONE because they work ANYwhere! Even when it's all crowded on the streets and you just get tired! hello! Now, you can just have a seat!



And speaking of being exhausted! We walk a lot in this town! SO you need to pack your Subway Hat, for when you fall asleep on the subway. It lets people know you're not a slumped over drunk! (and even if you ARE drunk...people won't know if you have your subway hat) If you forget to pack it, that's cool, because they have them here with the Yankees Logo or Les Mis or I HEART NY. SO CUTE!


And, as you know, you HAVE to protect yourself from disaster here in NY. Whether it be swine flu or WMD's or Bio-terrorist attacks...you HAVE to be prepared....BUT you can't be all house-frau weirdo either! At least not around ME! You have to be protected AND wear some bling! because if there IS a disaster...you don't wan't people LAUGHING at you! SO, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton and Prada have Saved us ALL! And don't worry if you're on a budget....they sell knock-offs on the corner.


And finally, If you're a dude coming to visit me...or a butch lesbian, bring your WALLET TIE! Wallet Ties are the new Man-Purse, only you don't have to be called a Nellie or a Mary anymore!! (except for the lesbo girls, people will still call u butch...oh well, what do you do)


That should do it for essential items....but also bring LOTS of cash, so your hostess doesn't have to pay for anything!

can't WAIT to see everyone!!!

XOXO

gotta get my city legs back...

Well well, not back in the city for 24 hrs and I managed to completely fall down the stairs at work today.

And by 'down the stairs' I mean

DOWN...

THE.....

STAIRS.

Do you know how that made me feel?

OLD.

That's how! When do you ever hear of a 20 yr old slipping on the stairs? yah. you don't. Unless it's from an old bitter curmudgeon like me who trips them accidentallyonpurpose for being too perky.

X-rays say I didn't break anything. But I never thought I did. I just slammed my ass into the stairs not once but twice. BOO! My butt hurts!! I also somehow twisted my foot and now have shooting pains from my back to my foot. I just hope this isn't one of those "ever since I fell on those stairs 12 yrs ago my back ain't never been the same" type of injuries.

Blah. Doctor says I have to take tylenol until the morning and IF I don't feel better I can get "something stronger." I am counting the hours down until he gets into the office in the morning.

Here's the other PLUS to this...at the xray guy's office he said "well! No broken bones! Must be muscular trauma..but you're young and healthy...you should be okay!" I practically gave myself whiplash flipping my head around when I heard "young!" YAY! Now THAT is a drug even better than Vicodin!! (haha...not really) And believe me, before I got too excited I checked the plaque on the door for "geriatric X-ray unit" and there wasn't one! YAY TWICE!

And now I'm all ready for being drugged up on the couch watching countless re-runs of "Tori & Dean: Home sweet Hollywood"

speaking of that...g2g.

(that's YOUNG people's street talk for 'got to go')(yah. I still got it.) (oooh, my hip pain!)

I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle....

I woke up this mornin'. Put on the kettle for coffee. GROUND the coffee beans with my BARE HANDS. Made pancakes WITH homemade cinnamon apples. AND fed the cattle (dogs..but same diff)

I am like the pioneer wo-man of the century! Not only that but I also have about 45 mosquito bites. UGH! The rugged life. There's not even a starbucks within like, 50 miles or more! Who knew I could be so rugged? I might even try hiking the Appalachian Trail next week! (have you even heard of the AT?...that's what we outdoorsy folks call it...I didn't think so.)

I even showered in "mineral" water yesterday. I feel like there should be award medals for stuff like this. Maybe I'll publish a journal about my time here on the mountain. Make people AWARE that the rest of the country doesn't just LIVE like us. That some people don't even HAVE a gym to go to. SOME people dont' even HAVE treadmills and need to walk on hills just to exercise!!

Makes you 'preciate your freedoms now, don't it!

And THAT? my friends, countrymen, is what the 4th of July is ALL ABOUT! So on today, the 5th of July, let's NOT forget to 'preciate our vast freedoms, that hillbillies just don't have.

Amen.

THE happening. THE omen. THE shining. THE Exorcist........

THE CABIN

PART 1

CABIN OWNER: I'm going to go out and mow the lawn!

CABIN OWNER'S PARTNER: yah. don't forget to get all the parts around the trees like you did last time!

CABIN OWNER: (annoyed) I can only do SO MUCH!

CABIN OWNER'S PARTNER: Well! It's all poison Ivy around the trees and I can't even get in to TRIM the trees unless you mow ALL THE POISON IVY.

ME: POISON WHAT!?!?!?!?


PART 2

THEM: Oh hey yah...if you want to have fresh water use the one in the fridge....cuz our water is WELL water. I mean it's TOTALLY DRINKABLE! But it's just the COLOR is brown.

ME: sooooo, is the brown from, you know, DIRT?

THEM: NOOOOO! It's MINERALS.

THE CABIN...coming soon to a theatre near you...

PROLOGUE

ME: You sending G a text to tell him that we're running late?

THE CABIN OWNER: No. He's already at THE CABIN waiting for us.

ME: Well yah, so are you calling him or texting him that we're in traffic?

THE CABIN OWNER: (way too matter of factly) no! We don't get texts at THE CABIN!

ME: say what?

THE CABIN OWNER: Didn't I tell you? We don't get cell phone reception. There's no cell tower.

ME: (eyes glazing over....)......(fade out.....)


....to be continued.....and continued.....and continued......

Plus GO HERE IF YOU WANNA LAUGH.

Cabin Fever...FEVER...like FLU...like SICKNESS...you never hear "chateau Fever" or "hotel fever" now do you?

I'm supposed to be packing up to go to washington DC for the 4th. More specifically I'm going to my friend's "cabin" in virginia. But they live in DC. So I SAY DC to deflect from the fact that I'm going to a cabin. I don't even LIKE the word cabin. It screams BOREDOM and NATURE and NO STARBUCKS.

My friend SAYS I'll love it. I made him go through a checklist...

WIFI INTERNET? check
TV w/FULL CABLE? check
RESTAURANTS AND A VILLAGE NEARBY? I didn't get a CLEAR answer on that.

He tried to entice me further by saying that they made their own POND. I heard "We made our own mosquito colony."

And I didn't get a clear response to...'YAH, but what do you DO there?' Well, what he said was "we garden and read and just relax!"

That sounds VERY STRESSFUL to me.

I have not yet in my lifetime gone to a "cabin" that wasn't a total nightmare filled with unidentifiable bugs, fishing trips to murky lakes, hiking in thorns and weeds, and "helping out with" all the DIY chores involved in having a cabin. What is it in people that makes them want to do stuff themselves?? Out in the woods?? With bugs??? Can't you just buy a puzzle and call it a day? See? PUZZLE. That's the kind of word associated with CABIN. Because that's all I had to do when I was a kid at our CABIN. I refused to go outside unless dragged so I had to do puzzles. UGH

My friend swears that this will change my mind about cabins. That HIS cabin is not like that. And that I won't have to do ANY work. And that they don't go fishing.

SO here is what may be my last blog of freedom for the weekend. I am leaving in 4 hrs and 57 mins. I hope I survive! If not? I leave my dogs to Dede & Carin, collectively.

PS. IF you are a friend of mine or a family member reading this....BEACH HOUSE. NOT CABIN.

BEACH. HOUSE.