Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Twilight Tuesdays! (fine wednesday. whatever!)

BEST QUOTE OF THE DAY: (taken from the Defendant & Plaintiff on Judge Mathis)

P:"YOUR HONOR! If she paid Fiddy Dollas for that shirt then I hope she got her change back!"
D:"Oh PLEASE GIRL...You KNOW how much Lane Bryant clothes cost!"

Today's post is a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE of Twilight! I was unfortunate enough to get sucked into reading the books, (I liked the first book) and I will admit, front and center that yes, I did love the movie. So kill me now. And what with the new movie coming out soon, I figured it was high time for a refresher course! The other 2 books are re-capped on the website I stole all this from. But I didn't wanna spoil anything for anyone! Even if you loved the books I think you'd think this is funny. And if not I'm sure I will have a contract out on my life.

Despite being so plain, Bella is admired by everyone in her new hometown of Forks, Washington, especially Edward Cullen. Originally, Edward just wanted to eat her, but, disappointingly, realizes eventually that in fact what he is feeling is true love, and after a couple of days they start dating. After two or three weeks, Bella is begging him to turn her into a vampire because of true love.

This isn't made explicitly clear in the book, but Edward has been creeping into her room and watching her sleep every night since he met her. More on that later.

Also, Edward has mind-reading powers, except they don't work on Bella. This isn't really as big a part of the story as most people think it is, and in fact we can (and will) get away without ever mentioning it again.

A mere number of days after they begin dating, Edward takes her to the woods and reveals the real reason that vampires don't go out in the sun: they sparkle. This is the turning point in what until now has been just a bad book. Bella gasps and swoons, and Edward takes his shirt off to show her all of his glitter infection, and then they lie there chastely on the grass. The rest of the book is spent talking about true love and Edward's rock-hard abs. Kissing cold, marble, statuesque lips is apparently sexy.

Later, Bella kisses Edward so hard he almost "loses control", but luckily, as the man in the relationship, it's his duty to keep poor little overexcited Bella in line, so he tells her to stop kissing him.

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

Book Two begins with Bella angsting about reaching the old age of eighteen, which she worries will make her some sort of cradle-snatching freak because her boyfriend Edward is eternally seventeen. The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is sexually interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years his junior apparently doesn't bother her. Edward cheers up Bella by giving her a mix tape. Unfortunately, later Edward changes his mind, takes back the mix tape, and dumps Bella. He leaves her in the forest by herself, and being a woman and thus without a sense of direction, she gets lost and almost dies.

Bella spends the rest of the book going crazy, imagining Edward's voice and partaking in ever more self-destructive activities. During this time she befriends Jacob Black, who turns out to be a werewolf but is still way better for her than Edward. She finally regains Edward's attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

Bella teams up with Edward's sister Alice, who turns out to be straight and taken but is still way better for her than Edward, to rescue her ex from his emoness. After a crazy mix up that finds Bella and Edward temporarily in an Anne Rice novel, Edward reaccepts her.

This novel thus teaches two important lessons to young girls everywhere:

1) If a guy dumps you and says he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't mean it. All you have to do is beg and destroy your life to prove that you really love him, and he'll come right back and love you even more!

2) It is perfectly cool to string along innocent but decent guys who are crushing on you and then dump them immediately as soon as your ex-boyfriend reappears, and totally normal if said ex-boyfriend forbids you from seeing your old friend. After all, your love for your ex must be far stronger, because he makes you feel 'alive' and 'dangerous' since he's always on the verge of killing you. And stalking you. We can't really mention that enough.'re welcome for the color change. even though it totally doesn't match my well crafted blog color theme. SOme of you CLEARLY need lasix.


NIKOL said...

I love this post! "Almost as much as I hate and love Twilight itself!" she growled with chagrin.

Kristina P. said...

I wonder what prompted this font color change?

And thanks for sending me a sneak preview, even edited, yesterday! So funny!

rychelle said...

i would like to go on the record saying that i liked the old font color. clearly, that makes me your most loyal fan.

Kris said...

I forgive you for liking Twilight because you posted this and made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

You're right!Bella is the acceptable example of fatal attraction! I hated her for being so misearable and I hope the movie doesn't dwell to much on that part!By the third book I wanted to kick Edward's ass and blew him off. By the end of the third book I made up with him and totally loved him again, I forgave him!:)OK I'm totally into it too!

kyslp said...

Great post! I read all of the Twilight books and hated myself the whole time I was reading them.

forever folding laundry said...

I have, um, this friend who may have read all of the books. And this, um, friend couldn't believe she liked the books as much as she did, being that the target audience is clearly the 16 year old teenage girl crowd. And, furthermore, this friend wants you to know that the 3rd book is much better than the 2nd. (But Bella's still annoying all the way through.)

Loved the lessons. They were right on! So horrible for teenage girls, but totally OK for 30-something's, right?


Kathy B! said...

Brilliant! Finally, someone condensed it succinctly.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

True confessions...I liked the books. Because I have no life. But, I didn't much care for the movie. Of course, I will still be seeing the next movie. Because I have no life.

And I'd like to be the first in line for Lasik!

peewee said...

Please people! I have NO LIFE WHATSOEVER...I just opened my post with a quote from JUDGE MATHIS.

2busy said...

Funny clip. I am a TWIHARD.

bernthis said...

never read them and don't want to. I know i'm the only one in the universe

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Let me know when the Twilight kids have had a sandwich, gotten some sun and stopped gleaming in the daylight. I am clearly too old for this stuff.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Yep, you called it. Hey, I like you no matter your font color. It is not the color of your phont, but the color of your soul.

dede said...

thanks for not telling anyone I sent you the first book - think of all of the blog material you would have lost out on if that box hadn't come in the mail! Although, apparently Judge M could pick up the slack!

peewee said...

dede....I am SO GRATEFUL that you sent that first book. I would be SO in the dark! And I liked the first book. SO much that I ran out and bought the other three. And it was that second one that did me in. As u know.

You are my link to all thing ship and cool! How did u not know this?

Mega8815 said...


CynthiaK said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for summarizing New Moon for me because there's no way I'm making it through. I was given the first two books and enjoyed the first one but cannot get past the second chapter in New Moon.

So, I really appreciate getting the plot summary and now I can move on happily to other more interesting books, like How to Fall Asleep When You're an Insomniac Mother and Getting Off the Blog: Help for Addicted Bloggers. :)